第18章

Foratimetheartistseemedrather"distrait"also,asifamemoryweretroublinghim.Heoftenlookedaroundwhenanyoneentered,andhiseyesattimesrestedonIda"svacantchair.ButhesoonpassedunderthespellofJennieBurton"sgenialtalk,whichseeminglyglowedwiththesunshinethathadenvelopedherduringherquestoftheroses,andthepoorgirl,whowasfairlyquiveringwithpainbecauseofhissignificantactandwordsonthepiazza,wasforgotten.

Sheknewshewasforgotten.Thehumofvoices,thecheerfulclatterfromthelightedsupper-room,cameuptoherdarkeningapartment,andonlyincreasedhersenseoflonelinessandisolation.HerquickearcaughtVanBerg"smellowlaugh,evokedbyoneofMissBurton"ssallies.

Itisadrearysensationtofindone"sselfwhollyforgottenbymereacquaintances;buttofindthatwehavenoplaceinthethoughtsofthosewelove,seemsinacertainsenselikebeingannihilated.

ButforpoorIdawasreservedadeepersufferingstill,sinceshebelievedthatthemansheloveddidnotdismissherfromhismindindifferently,butratherwithaversionanddisgust.

Shefeltherisolationterribly.Towhomcouldsheturninhertrouble?Thethoughtofherfatherwasbothareproachandahumiliation.Hewasdriftinghopelessly,andalmostunresistingly,towardsfinalwreck,and,sofarfromseekingtorestrain,shehadaddedtotheevilimpetus.Sheshrankfromtheveryideaofconfidinginhergarrulous,superficialmother.Shefeltthathercousindetestedaswellasdespisedher.Theflatteredgirl,whoalittlebeforethoughttheworldwasatherfeet,nowfeltfriendlessandalone,scarcelytoleratedbyherownfamily,andscornedbyothers.

Ofcoursesheexaggeratedtheevilofherlot.Theyounganinexperiencedareeverpronetolook,forthetime,ontheearliermisfortunesoftheirlivesasirretrievable.Inafteryearstheymaysmileattheircauselessdespair;buttheworldisfulloftragediesthattothewiseandsobermindedhadslightcause.

Ida"stroubles,however,werescarcelyslight,andshe,aboveallothers,wastheleastfittedtobeartroubleandthwarting.Toberefusedanythingwouldbeanewanddisagreeableexperience,buttobedeniedthatwhichherheartcravedsupremely,tendedtocalloutallthepassionaterecklessnessofherungoverned,undisciplinednature.Thechildfromwhomsomethingistaken,willoftencastawayinangerallthatisofferedinitsplace;andinlikehastyfollymanyamanandwoman,totheireternalregret,havethrownawaylifeitself.Suicideisoftentheproductofpassionaswellasofdespair;theirritable,headlongprotestagainstevilsthatmighthavebeenandshouldhavebeenremedied.

AsIdasataloneinherdesolationandshame,thethoughtofself-destructionhadsurgedupinthelavaofothertumultuousthoughtsoccasionedbytheartist"sscorn,andatfirstshehadshrunkfromitwithnaturalandinstinctivedread.Buttheawfulthoughtbegantofascinateherlikeadizzyheightfromwhichitseemssoeasytofallandendeverything.

Inhermorbidconditionandtoherpoisonedimaginationtheactdidnotappearsorevoltingafterall.Shehadbeenmadefamiliarwithitinherfavoritenovels.Shehadoftenseenitsimulatedwithapplauseonthestage,withallthemelodramaticaccessorieswithwhichitisproducemereeffect.Indeed,fromhereducation,shemightalsothinkself-destructionwastheonlydignifiedandhigh-spiritedthingtodo.

Foratimeherthoughtstookthecoloringofhightragedy.Shewouldteachthisproudartistalessen,eventhoughatsupremecosttoherself.Ifhewouldneverloveher,shewouldmakeitcertainthathecouldnotlongerdespiseher.Shewouldwritehimaletterthatwouldharrowhisverysoul,informinghimthatshehadtakenhishintandfollowedhissuggestion.Sincehehadthrownawaytheemblemofherselfasaworthlessandunsightlything,shehadthrownherselfaway,sothatfaultlesstasteandfaultlesspeoplemightbenomoreoffendedbythepresenceofsomuchimperfection.

Foramomenthereyesglowedwithexultationoverhisimagineddismayashereadthismessagefromonetowhomnoreparationcouldbemade;andthenbetterandmorewholesomefeelingsresumedtheirsway.Perverted,misguided,anduncounselledasshewas,shewastooyoung,toonearthemotherheartofnature,nottoreactfromthefalseandtheeviltowardsthesimpleandthetrue.

Shethrewherselfuponhercouch."Oh,thatImightliveandbehappy!"shesobbed."Ifintheplaceofthebitterfrostofhiswordsandmannerhewouldgivemebutonerayofkindness,Iwouldtrytobloom,eventhoughbutapoorworm-eatenbud."

FrownsblightfarmoreflowersthanOctobernights.

ChapterXXXIII."HopediesHard."

Whenalonewithhisfriendaftersupper,Stantonbrokeout,"SinceIdacan"texistwithoutthesightofthatwretch,Sibley,IwishshewouldfollowhimtoNewYork.Ifshedotesonsuchscum,theyhadbetterbemarried,asfarassuchpeoplecanbe,andsorelieveherrelativesofanincubusthatiswell-nighintolerable."

"AreyouabsolutelysurethatshedoesdoteonSibley,andthatheisthecauseofherevidenttrouble?"askedVanBerg,withaperplexedfrownloweringonhisbrow.

"I"mnotsureofanythingconcerninghersavethatshewasborntomaketrouble.Iknowshewaswithhimallthetimehewashere,andsincehewasmetaphoricallykickedoffthepremisesshehassulkedinherroom.Isuppose,ofcourse,thatsheismortified,andhatestomeetpeople.Indeed,fromaremarkshemade,someonemusthavesnubbedhervigorouslyto-day;buthercoursemakeseverythingahundredfoldworse.Iambesmirchedbecauseofmyrelationship.Icanseethisinthebearingofmorethanone,andevenMissBurton,whocouldnotbeconsciouslyunkindtoanyone,keepsmeatadistancebybarriers,which,althoughseeminglyviewless,aresorealIcannotpassthem."

VanBergsurmisedthattheevasivetactwhichMissBurtonexercisedtowardshisfriendwasnotcausedbyhisrelationshiptoIda,andyetwascompelledtoadmitthatherfrankandfriendlybearingtowardshimselfwasscarcelylessdispiriting.Hermanner,asarule,wassoplainlythatofafriendonly,thatwereitnotforoccasionalandfurtiveglanceswhichheintercepted,hewoulddeemhisprospectslittlebetterthanStanton"s,inspiteofallthathadpassedbetweenthem.Eveninthesestolen,questioning,longingglances,therewasanelementthattroubleandperplexedhim,andthestrangethoughtcrossedhismindthatwhenshelookedmostintentlyshedidnotseeHaroldVanBerg,butaninterveningvision.

Hermystery,however,renderedheronlythemoreattractive,andsheseemedlikeagoodangelthathadcomefromanunknownworldconcerningwhichshecouldnotspeak,andperhapshecouldnotunderstand.

Hersocietywaslikeadelicatewine,delightfullyexhilaratingwhileenjoyed,butwhoseeffectistransient.Hewasprovokedathimselftofindhowwellheenduredherabsence,andhowcontenthewaswiththegenuinefriendshipshewasevidentlyformingforhim.SometimesheevenlongedformoreoftheabsorbingpassionwhichhesawhadwhollymasteredStanton;buttriedtosatisfyhimselfbyreasoningthathislovewasinaccordancewithhisnature,whichwascalmandconstant,ratherthanimpulsiveandpassionate.

"Allthehigherfacultiesofmysoulareherallies,"hethought,complacently."Iadmirehonor,andevenreverenceher.Shecouldwalkthroughlifeasmycompanion,myequal,andinmanyrespects,mysuperior;"andsowithallthedelicateandunobtrusivetactofwhichhewasthemasterheproposedtopresshissuit.

SinceJennieBurtonhadplainlyintimatedthat,likeKingLear,shehadlostherwoman"skingdom——herheart——andsowasnotabletorewardsuchsuitandservice,howcameitshekeptpoorStantonatadistance,butwelcomedthesocietyofVanBerg?PossiblyherintuitionrecognizedthefactthatinthecaseofStantonshehadtouchedtheheart,buthadwonthemindoftheartist.Thefirstseemeddisposedtogiveallandtodemandall.Stanton"salldidnotcountforverymuchthusfarinherestimation.ShehadrecognizedthecharacterhehadbroughttotheLakeHouse——thatofapleasure-lovingmanoftheworld——andshewasfartoomodesttosupposethatshecouldworkanymaterialchangeinthischaracter.

Self-indulgentbynature,shebelievedthathehadproposedtoenjoyasummerflirtationwithonewhomhewouldeasilyforgetintheautumn,and,whilethisimpressionlasted,shepunishedhimbyrequiringthatheshouldbethechivalricattendantofeveryforlornfemaleinthehouse.Whenshebelieved,however,thatsuchheartashepossessedwastrulyinterested,shebecameasunapproachableastheafternoonhorizon,whoserichglowisseeminglynear,butcanneverbereached.Whilesherecognizedthegenuinenessofhispassion,shedidnot,asbeforeintimated,regarditasaveryseriousaffair.

"GooddinnersandfairerfacesthanminewillcomforthimbeforeChristmas,"shethought.

Fewknowthemselves——theirowncapabilitiesofjoy,suffering,orachievement.AswithIda,Stantonwasatalosstounderstandthechangesinhisowncharacter.Itwasquitepossible,therefore,thatMissBurtonshouldmisunderstandhim.Indeedhehad,asyet,butlittleplaceinhersadandpreoccupiedthoughts.

Forsomereason,however,VanBerg"ssocietyhadforherapeculiarfascinationthatshecouldnotresist.Shescarcelyknewwhethershederivedfromitmoreofpleasurethanofpain.Sheoftenaskedherselfthisquestion:

"Whichwerebetterforatravellerinthedesert——toseeamirage,orthesandsonlyinalltheirbarrenreality?"

Herjudgmentsaid,thelatter;butwhentheelusivemirageappeared,shelookedoftenwithalongingwistfulnessthatmightwellsuggestapilgrimthatwasathirstandfamishing.

Inspiteofherquickness,VanBergoccasionallycaughtsomethingofthisexpression,andwhilehedrewencouragementfromit,hewastoofreefromvanityandtooacuteanobservertoconcludethatallwouldresultashehoped.Theunwelcomethoughtwouldcomethathewasonlytheoccasionandnotthecause,ofthesefurtiveglances.Washerheartalreadyweddedtoamemory,andwassheinterestedinhimchieflybecauseforsomereasonhegavevividnessandrealitytothatmemory?Ifthisweretrue,whatmorehadhetohopeforthanStanton?Ifthisweretrue,washenotinacertainsensepursuingashadow?Woudsuccessbesuccess?Wouldhewishtoclasp,ashiswife,awomanwhosehearthadbeenburiedinasepulchrefromwhichthestonemightneverberolledaway?

Hisfirstimpression,thatMissBurtonhadpassedthroughsomeexperience,someordealofsufferingthatseparatedherfromordinaryhumanity,oftenreasserteditselfmorestronglythanever.

Attimesherflame-likespiritwouldflashupwithaglowandbrilliancythatlightedandwarmedhisverysoul,butthefeelingbegantogrowuponhimthatthisgenialfireconsumedthecostliestofallofferings——self.Didnotherownbrokenheartandshatteredhopessupplythefuel?Insteadofbroodingapartoversomemisfortunethatwouldhavecrushedmostnatures,wasshenotseekingtomakeherlifeanaltaronwhichshelaidasagifttoothersthebesttreasuresofherwoman"ssoul?

Themorecloselyhestudiedhercharacter,andthecontrollingimpulsesofherlife,themoresincerebecamehisadmiration,andthedeeperhisreverence.HefeltwithtruththatsheWASofdifferentandfinerclayfromhimself.

Sostrongwasthisimpression,thatthethoughtoccurredtohimthatinthisandkindredreasonsmightbefoundtheexplanationofthepeculiarregardhefeltforher.Hehadvirtuallyofferedhimself,andwouldagainifhecouldfindtheopportunity.Ifheweresurethehewouldwinher,hewouldexultasonemightwhohadsecuredtherevenueofakingdom,thepurestandlargestgemintheworld,orsomeotherpossessionthatwasuniqueandpriceless.Thewholeofhisstrongintellectualnaturewouldbejubilantoverthegreatsuccessofhislife.Hewasalsoconsciousthatsomeofthedeepestfeelingsofhissoulwereinterested.Shewasbecominglikeareligiontohim,andheimaginedthathisregardforherwassomewhatakintothatofadevoutCatholicforapatronsaint.

Andyethewascompelledtoadmittohimselfthathedidnotloverherashesupposedhewouldlovethewomanhehopedtomakehiswife.Whywashisheartsotranquilandhispulsesosteady?

Certainlynotbecauseofassuredsuccess.WhydidhisregarddiffersoradicallyfromStanton"sconsumingpassion?ShouldStantonwinherhefeltthathecouldstillseekhersocietyandenjoyherfriendship.Theprospectofneverwinningherhimselfdidnotroblifeofitszestandcolor.Onthecontrary,hebelievedthatshewouldeverbeaninspiration,anexquisiteidealrealizedinactuallife.Assuchhecouldnotloseheranymorethanthosewomenwhompoetry,fiction,andhistoryhadplacedasstarsinhisfirmament,andthisbeliefsocontentedhimastoawakensurprise.

AshereturnedfromalongandsolitarystrollonMondayeveninghesoliloquizedcomplacently,"Iammakingtoogreatamysteryofitall.Sheisnotanordinarywoman.WhyshouldIfeeltowardshertheordinaryandconventionallovewhichanywomanmightevoke?

Thereismoreofspiritthanoffleshandbloodinherexquisiteorganization.Sorrowhasrefinedawayeverygrossandselfishelement,andleftasainttowardswhomdevotionisfarmoreseemlyandnaturalthanpassion.Sheawakensinmearegardcorrespondingtoherownnature,andIthankheaventhatIamatleastfinelyenoughorganizedtounderstandherandsocanseektowinherinaccordancewiththesubtlelawsofherbeing.Shewouldshrinkinevitablyfromadownright,headlongpassionlikethatofStanton"s,nomatterhowhonestitmightbeorhowgoodthemanexpressingit.Nohand,howeverstrong,willevergraspthis"raraavis,"

thisgoodangel,rather.Herwingsmustbepinionedbygossamerthreadsofpatientkindness,delicatesympathy,niceappreciation,andallwovenandwoundsounobtrusivelythattheshyspiritmaynotbestartled.WhatafoolIwastoblurtoutmyfeelingslastevening!Whatraregoodfortuneismineinthefactthatshegivesmethevantage-groundoffriendshipfromwhichtourgeasuitwhereinmustbecombinedsinceritywithconsummateskill.IfearImusteffacesomeotherimagebeforeIcanimplantmyown.HowfortunateIamthatmycoolandwell-poisednaturewillenablemetoworkundertheguidanceofjudgmentratherthanimpulse."

Feelingthathehadmuchtogainandwasindangerofirretrievableloss,helightlymountedthestepsofthehotel,bentonfindingatoncetheobjectofhisthoughts.

Hesawherleavingagroupintheparlor,ofwhichStantonwasone,andhehastenedtointerceptherinthehall-way.Justashewasabouttospeaktoher,Mr.Burleighcamebustlingupandsaid:

"MissBurton,astranger——nottofameorfortune,nortoyouprobably,butastrangertome——isinquiringforyou——astrangerfromtheSouth.Hewouldnotgivehisname,and——goodheaven,MissBurton!areyouill?"

VanBergledherintoaprivateparlornear.Shecertainlyhadgrownverywhiteandfaint.Butafteramomenttherecameaflashofhopeandeagerexpectationintoherfacethatnowordscouldhaveexpressed.

"Hisname——hisname?"shegasped.

Mr.Burleighlookedatherasecond,andthensaid:"Stayquietlyhere,I"llbringhimtoyou;andthen,Mr.VanBerg,perhapsyouandImightformanenormouscrowd."

"HadInotbetterleaveyouatonce?"theartistaskedwhentheywerealone.

"Waitamoment.I——I——amveryweak.Itcannotbe——buthopedieshard."

Tremblinglikealeaf,andwitheyesaflamewithintense,eagerhope,shewatchedthedoor.

AmomentlaterMr.Burleighusheredinamiddle-agedgentleman,whocommencedsaying:

"Pardonme,MissBurton,fornotsendingmyname,butyouwouldnothaveknownit"——thentheyounglady"sappearancecheckedhim.

Theeffectofhiscomingwasindeedstriking.Itwasasifagustofwindhadsuddenlyextinguishedalamp.Theluminouseyesclosedforamoment,andthefacebecamesopallidandasheninitshueastosuggestdeath.ItwasevidenttoVanBergthatherdisappointmentwasmorebitterthandeath.

"MissBurtontookalongwalkthisafternoon,"hesaid,hastily,"and,Ifear,wentmuchbeyondherstrength.Perhapsshehadbetterseeyouto-morrow."

"Oh,certainly,certainly;Iwillremain,ifthereisneed,"thegentlemanbegan.

ByastrongandevidenteffortMissBurtonregainedself-control,andsaid,withafaintsmilethatplayedoverherfaceamomentlikeagleamofwintrysunshine:

"Youstrongmenoftencallwomenweak,andwe,toooften,proveyouright.AsMr.VanBergsuggests,Iamalittleovertaxedto-night.

PerhapsIhadbetterseeyouinthemorning."

"Iamatransientguest,andoughttobeonmywaywiththefirsttrain,"saidthegentleman."Myerrandisasbriefasitisgratefultome.Donotleave,sir,"hesaidtoVanBerg."IfyouareafriendofMissBurtonitwillbepleasantforyoutohearwhatIhavetosay;and,Iwarrantyouthatshewillnevertellyounoranyoneelseherself."

"MayIstay?"heasked.

Shefeltsoweakandunnerved,soinneedofasustaininghandandmindthatshelookedathimappealingly,andsaid:

"Yes.ThisgentlemancannotdisgracememorethanIhavemyselfthisevening."

"Disgraceyou!MissBurton,"exclaimedthegentleman."Yournameisahouseholdwordinourhome,andourhonorforitisonlyexcelledbyourlove.Youremembermyinvaliddaughter,EmilyMusgrave——ouronlyandunfortunatechild.Sheattendedthecollegeinwhichyouareaninstructress.Beforeshecameunderyourinfluenceherinfirmitieswerecrushingherspiritandembitteringherlife.Somorbidwasshebecomingthatsheapparentlybegantohatehermotherandmyselfastheauthorsofherwretchedexistence.

Butbysomedivinemagicyousweetenedthebitterwatersofherlife,andnowsheisafountainofjoyinourhome.Inherbehalfandhermother"s,Ithankyou;andevenmore,ifpossible,inmyownbehalf,forthereproachful,avertedfaceofmychildwaskillingme;"andtearsstoodinthestrongman"seyes.

TherewasnothingconventionalinthewayinwhichJeannieBurtonreceivedhiswarmgratitude.Sheleanedwearilybackinherchair,andforamomentclosedhereyes.Therewasfarmoreresignationthanofpleasureinherface,andshehadtheairofonesubmittingtoafatewhichonecouldnotandoughtnottoresist.

"Yourthreelivesaremuchhappierthen?"shesaid,gently,asifwishingtohearthereassuringtruthagain.

"Youdonotrealizeyourservicetous,"saidMr.Musgrave,eagerly.

"Ourliveswerenothappyatall.Thereseemednothingbeforeusbutincreasingpain.Youhavenotaddedtoahappinessalreadyexistingmerely,buthavecausedustoexchangepositivesufferingforhappiness.Emilyseemstohavelearnedtheartofmakingeverydayofourlivesablessing,andshesaysyoutaughtherhow.I

wouldgoaroundtheworldtosaytoyou,"Godblessyouforit!""

"Suchassurancesoughttomakeoneresigned,ifnotcontent,"

shemurmuredinalowtone,asifhalfspeakingtoherself.Thenrising,byanevidenteffort,shecordiallygaveherhandtoMr.

Musgrave,andsaid:

"Yousee,sir,thatIamscarcelymyselfto-night.IthinkIcouldgiveyouabetterimpressionofyourdaughter"sfriendto-morrow.

Givehermysincereloveandcongratulations.SheisevidentlybearingherburdenbetterthanImine.Youcannotknowhowmuchgoodyourwordshavedonemeto-night.Ineededthem,andtheywillhelpmeforyearstocome."

Thegentleman"seyesgrewmoistagain,andhesaid,huskily:

"Iknowyouareratheraloneintheworld,butifitshouldeverhappenthatthereisanythingthatIcoulddoforyouwereIyourfather,callonJohnMusgrave.There,Icannottrustmyselftospeaktoyouanymore,thoughIhavesomuchtosay.Good-night,andgood-by;"andhemadeaveryprecipitateretreat,thoroughlyovercomebyhiswarmSouthernheart.

"Idreadtoleaveyoulookingsosadandill,orelseIwouldsaygood-nightalso,"saidVanBerg.

Shestartedasifshehadhalfforgottenhispresence,andkeptherfaceavertedasshereplied:

"Iwillsaygood-nighttoyou,Mr.VanBerg.Iwouldprovepoorcompanythisevening."

"BeforeyougoIwishtothankyouforlettingmestay,"hesaid,hastily."AsMr.Musgraveasserted,youwouldindeedneverhavetoldmewhatIhaveheard,andyetIwouldnothavemissedhearingitformorethanyouwillbelieve.Howmanyliveshaveyoublessed,JennieBurton?"

"Notverymany,Ifear,butIhalfwishIknew.Eachonewouldbelikeanargument."

"Argumentsthatshouldprovethatyououghttoletthedeadpastburyitsdead,andliveinthericherpresent,"hesaid,earnestly.

"Thericherpresent!"sherepeatedslowly,andherfacegrewalmoststerninitsreproach.

"Forgiveme——inthepresentyousoenrich,then,"hesaid,eagerly.

Againsheavertedherface,andhesawthatforsomereasonshewishedtoavoidhiseyes.

"Iamtooweakandunnervedtodomorethansaygood-nightagain,"

shesaid,tryingtosmile."Youarefastlearningthatifyouwouldbemyfriendyoumustbeapatientandgenerousone."

"ThankheavenIcametotheLakeHouse!"ejaculatedtheartistashestrolledoutintothestar-light.Thankheavenforthisminglingmysteryandcrystalpurity.Itdoesmegoodtotrusther.Thereisadeepandabidingjoyintheverygenerositysheinspires.I

amlearningthespellunderwhichEmilyMusgravecame.Buthowstrangeitallis!Sheexpectedsomeoneto-night,whomshewouldhavewelcomedassheneverwillme."TheonlyrivalIhavetofearmaynotbedead,asIsupposed,andyetmyperverseheartismorefullofpityforherthanjealousy.IhadnoideathatIwascapableofsuchself-abnegation.Hasshetheartofspiritualalchemy,andsocantransmutenaturesfullofalloyintofinegold?"

VanBergwasanacuteobserver,andhadlargeacquaintancewiththeworldinwhichhelived,anditsinhabitants.Hewasinthemain,however,anunknownquantitytohimself.

ChapterXXXIV.Puzzled.

TuesdaywasdrearyenoughtomorethanoneattheLakeHouse.

Cloudscoveredthesky,yettheygavelittlepromiseoftherainwhichthethirstyearthsoneeded.ToIda,asshelookedoutlateinthemorning,theyseemedlikealeadenwallaroundher,shuttingoffallavenuesofescape.

Hermotherjoinedherasshewentdowntoacoldanddismalbreakfast,longafteralltheotherguestshadleftthedining-room,andshecommencedfrettingandfuming,aswashercustomwhentheworlddidnotarrangeitselftosuithermood.

"Everythingisonthebiasto-day,"shesaid,"andyoumostofallfromyourappearance.IwishIcouldseethingsstraightenedoutforonce.Thelittleschool-ma"am,whoturnseverybody"shead,issickinherroom,anddidnotcomedowntobreakfast.ThereforewehadaQuakermeeting.Ifyouhadbeenpresentwithyourlongface,theoccasionwouldhavebeenoneofoppressivesolemnity.Ikappearedasdejectedasifheweretobeexecutedbeforedinner,andscarcelyateamouthful;Ineversawafellowsochangedinallmylife.Althoughyourartistfriendhadarapt,absorbedlook,hewasstillabletoabsorbagooddealofsteakandcoffee.I

sawhimandMissBurtonemergefromaprivateparlorlastnight,andheprobablyunderstandsMissBurton"smaladybetterthantherestofus.Why——what"sthematter?WouldtoheavenIunderstoodyourmaladybetter!Areyousick?"

"Yes,"saidIda,risingabruptlyfromthetable,"Iamsick——sickofmyself,sickoftheworld."

"Goodgracious!"exclaimedMrs.Mayhew,sharply,"areyousowraptupinthatfellowSibley,thatyoucan"tlivewithouthim?"

Idamadeaslightbutexpressivegestureofprotestanddisgust;

thensaid,inalowtone,asiftoherself:"Ifmyownmothersomisjudgesme,whatcanIexpectofothers?"

Mrs.Mayhewfollowedherdaughtertoherroomwithaperplexedandworriedlook.

"Ida,"shebegan,"youarealloutofsorts;youarebilious;you"vegotthishorridmalaria,thatthedoctorsarealwaystalkingabout,inyoursystem.Letmesendforourcityphysician,DoctorBetts.

Neverwassuchamanatdiagnosis.Heseemstolookrightinsideofoneandseeeverythingthat"sgoingonwrong."

"Forheaven"ssakedon"tsendforhimthen!"exclaimedIda.

Mrs.Mayhewlookedaskanceatherdaughteramoment,andthenaskedbluntly:

"Why?What"sgoingonwronginyou?"

"Idonotknowofanythingthat"sgoingonright,——touseyourownphraseology."

"Youmeantosay,then,thatthereissomethingwrong?"

"Youintimatedatthebreakfast-tablethateverythingwasgoingwrong.Soithasseemedtome,forsometime.Butcome,mother,drugscan"treachmytrouble,andsoyoucan"thelpme.Youmustleavemetomyself."

"Ithinkyoumighttellyourownmotherwhatisthematter,"whinedMrs.Mayhew.

"IthinkImightalso,"saidIda,coldly."ItisnotmyfaultbutmygreatmisfortunethatIcannot."

AtthisMrs.Mayhewwhimpered:"Youareverycrueltotalktomeinthatway."

"IsupposeI"meverythingthat"sbad,"Idaansweredrecklessly.

"Thatseemstobethegeneralverdict.PerhapsitwouldbebestforyouallwereIoutoftheway.IcanscarcelyrememberwhenIhavehadafriendlylookfromanyone.Thingscouldnotbemuchworsewithmethantheyarenow.IthinkIwouldlikeachange,andmayhaveaverydecidedone."Thenseizingherhat,shelefthermothertoherself.