第1章

MynameisHughParet.Iwasacorporationlawyer,butbynomeansatypicalone,thechoiceofmyprofessionbeingmerelyincidental,anddue,aswillbeseen,totheaccidentofenvironment.ThebookIamabouttowritemightaptlybecalledTheAutobiographyofaRomanticist.

Inthatsense,ifinnoother,IhavebeenatypicalAmerican,regardingmycountryasthehappyhunting-groundofenlightenedself-interest,asafunctionofmydesires.WhetherornotIhavecompletelygotridofthisromanticvirusImustleavetothosetheaimofwhoseexistenceistoeradicateitfromourliteratureandourlife.AsomewhatAugeantask!

Ihavebeenimpelledthereforetomakeanattemptatsettingforth,withwhatfranknessandsincerityImay,withthosepowersofselectionofwhichIamcapable,thelifeIhavelivedinthismodernAmerica;thepassionsIhaveknown,theevilsIhavedone.Iendeavourtowriteabiographyoftheinnerlife;butinordertodothisIshallhavetorelatethosecausalexperiencesoftheouterexistencethattakeplaceintheworldofspaceandtime,inthefourwallsofthehome,intheschoolanduniversity,inthenoisystreets,intherealmofbusinessandpolitics.Ishalltrytosetdown,impartially,themotivesthathaveimpelledmyactions,torevealinsomedegreetheamazingmixtureofgoodandevilwhichhasmademewhatIamto-day:toavoidthetricksofmemoryandresisttheinherentdesiretopresentmyselfotherandbetterthanIam.YourAmericanromanticistisasentimentalspoiledchildwhobelievesinmiracles,whoseneedsaremostlybaubles,whosedesiresaredreams.Expediencyishismotto.Innocentofaknowledgeoftheprinciplesoftheuniverse,helivesinastateofceaselessactivity,admittingnolimitations,impatientofallrestrictions.Whathewants,hewantsverybadlyindeed.Thiswantingthingswasthecorner-stoneofmycharacter,andIbelievethatthescienceofthefuturewillbearmeoutwhenIsaythatitmighthavebeendifferentlybuiltupon.Certainitisthatthesystemofeducationinvogueinthe70"sand80"snevercontemplatedthesearchfornaturalcorner-stones.

Atallevents,whenIlookbackupontheboyIwas,Iseethebeginningsofarealpersonwhofadeslittlebylittleasmanhoodarrivesandadvances,untilsuddenlyIamawarethatastrangerhastakenhisplace

IlivedinacitywhichisnowsometwelvehoursdistantfromtheAtlanticseaboard.Averydifferentcity,too,itwasinyouth,inmygrandfather"sdayandmyfather"s,eveninmyownboyhood,fromwhatithassincebecomeinthismostmaterialofages.

Thereisabookofmyphotographs,preservedbymymother,whichIhavebeenlookingoverlately.Firstispresentedaplumpchildoftwo,gazinginsmilingtrustfulnessuponaworldofsunshine;lateronaleanboyinplaidedkilts,whosewavy,chestnut-brownhairhasbeenmostcarefullypartedonthesidebyNorah,hisnurse.Thefaceisstillchildish.Thenappearsayouthoffourteenorthereaboutinlongtrousersandthequeerestofshortjackets,standingbesideamarbletableagainstaclassicbackground;heissmilingstillinundiminishedhopeandtrust,despiteincreasingvexationsandcrossings,meaninglesslessonswhichhadtobelearned,disciplinestorackanaspiringsoul,andlong,uncomfortablehoursinthestiffpewoftheFirstPresbyterianChurch.AssociatedwiththistortureisapeculiarSundaysmellandthefaintrustlingofsilkdresses.IcanseethesternblackfigureofDr.

Pound,whomadeinterminablestatementstotheLord.

"Oh,Lord,"Icanhearhimsay,"thouknowest"

Thesepictures,thoughyellowedandfaded,suggestvividlythebeingI

oncewas,thefeelingsthatpossessedandanimatedme,loveformyplaymates,vagueimpulsesstrugglingforexpressioninaworldforeverthwartingthem.Irecall,too,innocentdreamsofafutureunidentified,dreamsfromwhichIemergedvibratingwithanenergythatwaslostforlackofadefiniteobjective:yetitwasconstantlybeingrenewed.I

oftenwonderwhatImighthavebecomeifitcouldhavebeenharnessed,directed!Speculationsarevain.Calvinism,thoughithadbeguntomakecompromises,wasstillaforceinthosedays,inimicaltospontaneityandhumaninstincts.AndwhenIthinkofCalvinismIsee,notDr.Pound,whopreachedit,butmyfather,whopractisedandembodiedit.Ilovedhim,buthemadeofrighteousnessasternandterriblethingimplyingnotjoy,butpunishment,the,suppressionratherthantheexpansionofaspirations.Hisreligionseemedwovenallofausterity,containednoshiningthreadstocatchmyeye.Dreams,tohim,weremattersforsuspicionanddistrust.

Isometimesaskmyself,asIgazeuponhisportraitnow,theduplicateoftheonepaintedfortheBarAssociation,whetherheevercouldhavefeltthesecret,hotthrillsIknewanddidnotidentifywithreligion.Hisreligionwasrealtohim,thoughhefailedutterlytomakeitcomprehensibletome.Theapparentcalmness,evennessofhislifeawedme.Asuccessfullawyer,arespectedandtrustedcitizen,washelackingsomewhatinvirility,vitality?Icannotjudgehim,evento-day.I

neverknewhim.Thereweretimesinmyyouthwhenthecurtainofhisunfamiliarspiritwaswithdrawnalittle:andonce,afterIhadpassedthecrisisofsomechildhooddisease,Iawoketofindhimbendingovermybedwithatenderexpressionthatsurprisedandpuzzledme.

Hewaswelleducated,andfromhisportraitashrewdobservermightdivineinhimagenteeltasteforliterature.ThefinefeaturesbearwitnesstotheinfluenceofanAmericanenvironment,yetsuggesttheintellectualEnglishmanofMatthewArnold"stime.Thefaceisdistinguished,ascetic,thechestnuthairlighterandthinnerthanmyown;thesidewhiskersarenottooobtrusive,theeyesblue-grey.Thereisalargeblackcravatcrossedandheldbyacameopin,andthecoathasodd,narrowlapels.HishabitsofmindwereEnglish,althoughheharmonizedwellenoughwiththemannersandtraditionsofacitywhoseinheritancewasScotch-Irish;andheinvariablydrankteaforbreakfast.

Oneofmyearliestrecollectionsisofthesilverbreakfastserviceandegg-cupswhichmygreat-grandfatherbroughtwithhimfromSheffieldtoPhiladelphiashortlyaftertheRevolution.Hisson,Dr.HughMoretonParet,afterwhomIwasnamed,wasthebestknownphysicianofthecityinthedecorous,SecondBankdays.

MymotherwasSarahBreck.HerswasmyScotch-Irishside.OldBenjaminBreck,hergrandfather,undauntedbyseaorwilderness,hadcomestraightfromBelfasttothelittlelogsettlementbythegreatriverthatmirroredthenthemantleofprimevalforestonthehills.Somuchforchance.Hekeptastorewithasideporchandsquare-panedwindows,wherehamsandsidesofbaconandsugarloavesinblueglazedpaperhungbesideploughsandcalicoprints,barrelsofflour,ofmolassesandrum,allofwhichhadbeensomehowmarvellouslytransportedoverthepassesofthoseforbiddingmountains,——passesweblithelythreadto-dayindiningcarsandcompartmentsleepers.BehindthestoreweremooredthebargesthatfloateddownontheswiftcurrenttotheOhio,carryinggoodstoevenremotersettlementsinthewesternwilderness.

Benjamin,inadditiontohisemigrant"sleatherbox,broughtwithhimsomeofthatpigmentthatwastodyethelocalityforgenerationsadeepblue.Irefer,ofcourse,tohisPresbyterianism.Andinorderthebettertoensuretohisprogenythefastnessofthisdye,hemarriedthegranddaughterofafamousdivine,celebratedintheannalsofNewEngland,——nodoubtwithsomeinjustice,——asastaunchadvocateonthedoctrineofinfantdamnation.MycousinRobertBreckhadoldBenjamin"sportrait,whichhassincegonetotheKinley"s.Heavenknowswhopaintedit,thoughnogreatartwereneededtosuggestoncanvasthetoughfabricofthatsitter,whowasmoreIrishthanScotch.Theheavystickheholdsmight,withaslightstretchoftheimagination,beablackthorn;hisheadlookscapableofwithstandingmanyblows;hishandofgivingmany.

And,asIgazedtheotherdayatthispicturehangingintheshabbysuburbanparlour,Icouldonlycontrasthimwithhisanaemicdescendantswhopossessedthelikeness.BetweenthechildrenofpoorMaryKinley,——

CousinRobert"sdaughter,andthehardystockoftheoldcountrythereisagapindeed!

BenjaminBreckmadethefoundationofafortune.ItwashissonwhobuiltontheSecondBankthewide,cornicedmansioninwhichtohousecomfortablyhiseightchildren.There,twotiersabovetheriver,livedmypaternalgrandfather,Dr.Paret,theBreck"sphysicianandfriend;theDurrettsandtheHambletons,iron-masters;theHollisters,Sherwins,theMcAlerysandEwanses,——Breckconnections,——theWillettsandOgilvys;inshort,everyoneofimportanceinthedaysbetweenthe"thirtiesandtheCivilWar.Theirsweregeneroushousessurroundedbyshadetrees,withgloriousbackyards——Ihavebeentold——whereapricotsandpearsandpeachesandevennectarinesgrew.

ThebusinessofBreckandCompany,wholesalegrocers,descendedtomymother"sfirstcousin,RobertBreck,wholivedatClaremore.Theverysoundofthatwordoncesufficedtogivemeashiverofdelight;buttheClaremoreIknewhasdisappearedascompletelyasAtlantis,andtheplaceisnowasuburb(hatefulword!)cutupintobuildinglotsandconnectedwithBoyneStreetandthebusinesssectionofthecitybytrolleylines.

Thenitwas"thecountry,"andfairlysaturatedwithromance.CousinRobert,whenhecameintotowntospendhisdaysatthestore,broughtwithhimsomeofthisromance,Ihadalmostsaidofthisaroma.Hewasnosuburbanite,butruraltothebackbone,professingamostpropercontemptfordwellersintowns.

EverysummerdaythatdawnedheldClaremoreasapossibility.AndsuchwasmycapacityforjoythatmyappetitewoulddepartcompletelywhenI

heardmymothersay,questioninglyandwithproperwifelyrespect"Ifyou"rereallygoingoffonabusinesstripforadayortwo,Mr.

Paret"(shegenerallyaddressedmyfatherthusformally),"IthinkI"llgotoRobert"sandtakeHugh."

"ShallItellNorahtopack,mother,"Iwouldexclaim,startingup.

"We"llseewhatyourfatherthinks,mydear."

"Remainatthetableuntilyouareexcused,Hugh,"hewouldsay.

Releasedatlength,IwouldrushtoNorah,whoalwaysrejoicedwithme,andthentothewirefencewhichmarkedtheboundaryofthePetersdomainnextdoor,eager,withtherefreshinglackofconsiderationcharacteristicofyouth,toannouncetothePeterses——whoweretoremainathomethenewsofmygoodfortune.TherewouldbeTomandAlfredandRussellandJuliaandlittleMyrawithhergrass-stainedknees,faringforthtoseektheadventuresofanewdayintheshadywesternyard.

Myrawastooyoungnottolookwistfulatmynews,buttheotherspretendedindifference,seekingtolessenmytriumph.AnditwasJuliawhoinvariablyretorted"WecangoouttoUncleJake"sfarmwheneverwewantto.Can"twe,Tom?"

Nojourneyevertakensincehasequalledinecstasythatleisurelytripofthirteenmilesinthenarrow-gaugerailroadthatwoundthroughhotfieldsofnoddingcorntasselsandbetweendelicious,acrid-smellingwoodstoClaremore.Nosilentpalace"sleepinginthesun,"noedificedecreedbyKublaKhancouldhavewornmoreglamourthanthehouseofCousinRobertBreck.

Itstoodhalfamilefromthedrowsyvillage,deepinitsowngroundsamidstlawnssplashedwithshadows,withgravelpathsedged——inbarbarousfashion,ifyoupleasewithshells.Therewereflowerbedsofequallybarbarousdesign;andtwoirondeer,which,likethefiguresonKeats"sGrecianurn,wereeverreadypoisedtoflee,——andyetneverfled.ForCousinRobertwasrich,asricheswentinthosedays:notonlyrich,butcomfortable.Stretchingbehindthehouseweresweetmeadowsofhayandredcloverbaskingintheheat,orchardswherethecowscroppedbeneaththetrees,arbourswherepurpleclustersofConcordshungbeneathwarmleaves:therewerewoodsbeyond,intowhich,undertheguidanceofWillieBreck,Imadeadventurousexcursions,andintheautumngatheredhickoriesandwalnuts.Thehousewasarambling,woodenmansionpaintedgrey,withredscroll-workonitsporchesandhorsehairfurnitureinside.

Oh,thesmellofitsdarkenedinterioronamidsummerday!Liketheflavourofthatchoicestoftropicalfruits,themangosteen,itbafflesanalysis,andthenearestIcancometoitisamixtureofmattingandcorn-bread,withanotherelementtoosubtletodefine.

Thehospitalityofthathouse!Onewouldhavethoughtwehadarrived,mymotherandI,fromtheendsoftheearth,suchwasthewelcomewegotfromCousinJenny,CousinRobert"swife,fromMaryandHelenwiththeflaxenpig-tails,fromWillie,whomIrecallaspermanentlywithoutshoesorstockings.MetandembracedbyCousinJennyatthestationanddriventothehouseinthesqueakysurrey,themomentwearrivedsheandmymotherwouldputonthedressing-sacksIassociatedwithhotweather,andsitsewingalldaylonginrocking-chairsatthecoolestendofthepiazza.Thewomenofthatdayscornedlyingdown,exceptatnight,andaseveningcameontheydonnedstarcheddresses;Irecallinparticularonemymotherwore,withlittleverticalstripesofblackandwhite,andafullskirt.Andhowtheytalked,fromthebeginningofthevisituntiltheend!Ihaveoftensincewonderedwherethetopicscamefrom.

Itwasnotuntilnearlyseveno"clockthatthetrainarrivedwhichbroughthomemyCousinRobert.Hewasabigman;hisfeaturesandevenhisamplemoustachegaveadisconcertingimpressionofruggedintegrity,andIrememberhimchieflyinanalpacaorseersuckercoat.Thoughmuchlessformal,moredemocratic——inaword——thanmyfather,Istoodinaweofhimforadifferentreason,andthisIknownowwasbecausehepossessedthepenetrationtodiscerntheflawsinmyyouthfulcharacter,——flawsthatpersistedinmanhood.NonesoquickasCousinRoberttodetectdeceptionswhichwerehiddenfrommymother.

Hishobbywascarpentering,andhehadalittleshopbesidethestablefilledwithshiningtoolswhichWillieandI,inspiteoftheirattractions,wereforbiddentotouch.Willie,bydireexperience,hadlearnedtokeepthelaw;butononeoccasionIstoleinalone,andpromptlycutmyfingerwithachisel.MymotherandCousinJennyacceptedthefictionthattheinjuryhadbeendonewithaflintarrowheadthatWilliehadgivenme,butwhenCousinRobertcamehomeandsawmyboundhandandheardthestory,hegavemeacertainlookwhichsticksinmymind.

"Wonderfulpeople,thoseIndianswere!"heobserved."Theycouldmakearrowheadsassharpaschisels."

Iwasmostuncomfortable

Hehadastrongvoice,andspokewitharisinginflectionandamarkedaccentthatstillremainspeculiartoourlocality,althoughitwasmuchmodifiedinmymotherandnotatallnoticeableinmyfather;withanoddnasalalterationoftheburrourScotch-Irishancestorshadbroughtwiththemacrosstheseas.Forinstance,healwayscalledmyfatherMr.Par-

r-ret.Hehadanadmirationandrespectforhimthatseemedtoforbidtheinformalityof"Matthew."Itwassharedbyothersofmyfather"sfriendsandrelations.

"Sarah,"CousinRobertwouldsaytomymother,"you"recoddlingthatboy,yououghttolamhimoftener.Handhimovertomeforacoupleofmonths——I"llputhimthroughhispacesSoyou"regoingtosendhimtocollege,areyou?He"stoogoodforoldBenjamin"sgrocerybusiness."

Hewasveryfondofmymother,thoughhelecturedhersoundlyforherweaknessinindulgingme.Icanseehimashesatattheheadofthesuppertable,carvingliberalhelpingswhichMaryandHelenandWilliedevouredwithcountryappetites,watchingourplates.

"What"sthematter,Hugh?Youhaven"teatenallyourlamb."

"Hedoesn"tlikefat,Robert,"mymotherexplained.

"I"dteachhimtolikeitifheweremyboy."

"Well,Robert,heisn"tyourboy,"CousinJennywouldremindhim

Hisbarkwasworsethanhisbite.Likemanykindpeoplehemadeuseofbrusquenesstohideaninnertenderness,andonthetrainhewashailfellowwellmetwitheveryTom,DickandHarrythatcommuted,——althoughthewordwasnotinventedinthosedays,——andtheconductorandbrakemantoo.Buthehadhisstandards,andheldtothem

Minewasnotaquestioningchildhood,andIwaswillingtoaccepttheschemeofthingsaspresentedtomeentire.Inmytendereryears,whenI

hadbrokenoneofthecommandmentsonmyfather"stablet(thereweremorethanten),andhad,onhishome-coming,beensenttobed,mymotherwouldcomesoftlyupstairsaftersupperwithabookinherhand;abookofselectedBiblestoriesonwhichDr.Poundhadsetthesealofhisapproval,withaglazedpicturecover,representingDanielinthelions"

denandanangelstandingbesidehim.OnthesomewhatspeciouspleathatHolyWritmighthaveachasteningeffect,shewaspermittedtoministertomeinmyshame.TheamazingadventureofShadrach,MeshachandAbednegoparticularlyappealedtoanimaginationneedinglittlestimulation.Itneveroccurredtometodoubtthatthesegentlemenhadtriumphedovercaloriclaws.Butoutofmywindow,atthebackofthesecondstorey,Ioftensawasudden,crimsonglowintheskytothesouthward,asthoughthatpartofthecityhadcaughtfire.Therewerethebigsteel-works,mymothertoldme,belongingtoMr.DurrettandMr.

Hambleton,thefatherofRalphHambletonandthegrandfatherofHambletonDurrett,myschoolmatesatMissCaroline"s.Iinvariablyconnectedtheglow,notwithHambletonandRalph,butwithShadrach,MeshachandAbednego!Lateron,whenmyfathertookmetothesteel-works,andI

beheldwithaweahugepotfilledwithmoltenmetalthatranoutofitlikewater,Iaskedhim——ifIleapedintothatstream,couldGodsaveme?

Hewasshocked.Miracles,hetoldme,didn"thappenanymore.

"Whendidtheystop?"Idemanded.

"Abouttwothousandyearsago,myson,"herepliedgravely.

"Then,"saidI,"nomatterhowmuchIbelievedinGod,hewouldn"tsavemeifIjumpedintothebigkettleforhissake?"

ForthisIwasproperlyrebukedandsilenced.

Myboyhoodwasfilledwithobsessingdesires.IfGod,forexample,hadcastdown,outofhisabundantstore,mannaandquailinthedesert,whycouldn"theflingmealittlepocketmoney?Apaltryquarterofadollar,letussay,whichtomerepresentedwealth.ToavoidthereproachofthePharisees,Iwentintotheclosetofmybed-chambertopray,requestingthatthequartershouldbedroppedonthenorthsideofLymeStreet,betweenStamfordandTryon;inshort,asconvenientlynearhomeaspossible.ThenIissuedforth,notfeelingoverconfident,buthoping.TomPeters,leaningovertheornamentalcast-ironfencewhichseparatedhisfrontyardfromthestreet,presentlyspiedmescanningthesidewalk.

"Whatareyoulookingfor,Hugh?"hedemandedwithinterest.

"Oh,somethingIdropped,"Ianswereduneasily.

"What?"

Naturally,Irefusedtotell.Itwasabroiling,midsummerday;JuliaandRussell,whohadbeenwarnedtostayintheshade,butwhowereengagedintheexperimentofthrowingtheyellowcatfromthetopofthelatticefencetoseeifshewouldalightonherfeet,werepresentlyattracted,andjoinedinthesearch.ThemysterywhichIthrewarounditaddedtoitsinterest,andIwasnotinconsiderablyannoyed.SupposeoneofthemweretofindthequarterwhichGodhadintendedforme?Wouldthatbejustice?