第18章

IsatdownbesidehimandwespentthemorninggoingoverthedetailsoftheRibblevalesuit,Mr.WatlingdelegatingtomecertainmattersconnectedwithitofakindwithwhichIhadnothithertobeenentrusted;

andhespokeagain,beforeIleft,ofhisintentionoftakingmeintothefirmassoonastheaffaircouldbearranged.Walkinghomeward,withmymindintentuponthingstocome,ImetmymotheratthecornerofLymeStreetcomingfromchurch.Herfacelightedupatsightofme.

"Haveyoubeenworkingto-day,Hugh?"sheasked.

IexplainedthatIhadspentthemorningwithMr.Watling.

"I"lltellyouasecret,mother.I"mgoingtobetakenintothefirm."

"Oh,mydear,I"msoglad!"sheexclaimed."Ioftenthink,ifonlyyourfatherwerealive,howhappyhewouldbe,andhowproudofyou.Iwishhecouldknow.Perhapshedoesknow."

TheodoreWatlinghadoncesaidtomethatthemanwhocanbestkeephisowncounselisthebestcounselforothermentokeep.IdidnotgoaboutboastingofthepartIhadplayedinoriginatingthenowfamousBillNo.709,thepassageofwhichhadbroughtaboutthecapitulationoftheRibblevaleSteelCompanytoourclients.ButRalphHambletonknewofit,ofcourse.

"Thatwasaprettygoodthingyoupulledoff,Hughie,"hesaid."I

didn"tthinkyouhaditinyou."

Itwasrankpatronage,ofcourse,yetIwassecretlypleased.AstheyearswentonIwasthrownmoreandmorewithhim,thoughinboyhoodtherehadbeenbetweenusnobondofsympathy.AboutthistimehewasbeginningtoincreaseveryconsiderablytheHambletonfortune,andalittlelaterIbecamecounselfortheCrescentGasandElectricCompany,inwhichhehadshrewdlygainedacontrollinginterest.Eventowardthecolossalgameofmodernfinancehisattitudewascharacteristicallythatofthedilettante,oftheamateur;heplayedit,asitwere,contemptuously,evenashehadplayedpokeratHarvard,withacynicalaudacitythathadapeculiarlydisturbingeffectuponhiscompanions.Hebluffed,heraisedthelimitinspiteofprotests,andwhenhelostonealwayshadthefeelingthathewouldultimatelygethismoneybacktwiceover.AttheconferencesintheBoyneClub,whichheoftenattended,hismannertowardMr.DickinsonandMr.SchererandeventowardMillerGorsewasfrequentlyoneofthinlyveiledamusementattheirseriousness.I

oftenwonderedthattheydidnotresentit.Buthewasaprivilegedperson.

Hiscousin,HamDurrett,whoseinheritancewasevengreaterthanRalph"shadbeen,hadalsobecomeaprivilegedpersonwhosecomingsandgoingsandmorereputabledoingswereoftenrecordedinthenewspapers.HamhadattainedtowhatGeneHollisteraptlybutinadvertentlycalled"notoriety":asRalphwittilyremarked,Hamgavetopoloandwomenthatwhichmighthavegoneintohighfinance.HespentmuchofhistimeintheEast;hisconductthereandathomewouldoncehavecreatedablackscandalinourcommunity,butweweregraduallyleavingourCalvinismbehindusandgrowingmoretolerant:wewerereadytoForgivemuchtowealthespeciallyifitwasinherited.HostesseslamentedthefactthatHamwas"wild,"buttheyaskedhimtodinnersanddancestomeettheirdaughters.

Ifsomemoralistbettereducatedandmorefar-seeingthanPerryBlackwood(forPerryhadbecomeamoralist)hadtoldthesehostessesthatHambletonDurrettwasavictimofournewcivilization,theywouldhaveraisedtheireyebrows.Theydeploredwhiletheycoveted.IfHamhadbeentoldhewasavictimofanysort,hewouldhavelaughed.

Heenjoyedlife;hewasgenialandjovial,bothlavishandparsimonious,——

thislattercharacteristicbeingthecurioussurvivalofthetraitoftheancestorstowhichheowedhismillions.Hewasgrowingevenheavier,anddecidedlyredintheface.

PerryusedtotakeRalphtotaskfornotsavingHamfromhisiniquities,andRalphwouldreplythatHamwasgoingtothedevilanyway,andnoteventhedevilhimselfcouldstophim.

"Youcanstophim,andyouknowit,"Perryretortedindignantly.

"Whatdoyouwantmetodowithhim?"askedRalph."ConverthimtothesaintlylifeIlead?"

Thiswasaposer.

"That"safact,"sandPerry,"you"renobetterthanheis."

"Idon"tknowwhatyoumeanby"better,""retortedRalph,grinning."I"mwiser,that"sall."(WehadbeentalkingabouttheethicsofbusinesswhenPerryhadswitchedofftoHam.)"Ibelieve,atleast,inrestraintoftrade.Hamdoesn"tbelieveinrestraintofanykind."

When,therefore,thenewssuddenlybegantobecirculatedintheBoyneClubthatHamwasshowingatendencytostraightenup,surpriseandincredulityweregenuine.Hewasdrinkingless,——muchless;anditwassaidthathehadseveredcertaintiesthatneednotagainbedefinitelymentioned.Thetheoryofreligiousregenerationnotbeingtenable,itwasnaturallysupposedthathehadfalleninlove;theidentityoftheunknownladybecomingafruitfulsubjectofspeculationamongthefeminineportionofsociety.TheannouncementofthemarriageofHambletonDurrettwouldbenewsofthefirstmagnitude,tobeabsorbedeagerlybythemanywhohadnotthehonourofhisacquaintance,——

comparableonlytothatofadevastatingfloodoramurdermysteryorachangeinthetariff.

Beingabsorbedinaffairsthatseemedmoreimportant,thesubjectdidnotinterestmegreatly.ButonecoldSundayafternoon,asImademyway,inanswertoherinvitation,toseeNancyWillett,IfoundmyselfwonderingidlywhethershemightnotbebywayofmakingashrewdguessastotheobjectofHambleton"saffections.Itwaswellknownthathehadentertainedahopelessinfatuationforher;andsomewereinclinedtoattributehislaterlapsestoherlackofresponse.Hestillcalledonher,andherlectures,whichshedeliveredlikeagreatauntwithareconditeknowledgeoftheworld,hetookmeekly.Butevenshehadseemedpowerlesstoalterhishabits

PowellStreet,thathappyhunting-groundofmyyouth,hadchangeditscharacter,becomecontractedandunfamiliar,sooty.TheMcAlerysandotherolderfamilieswhohadnotdecayedwiththeneighbourhoodwererapidlydesertingit,movingouttothenewresidencedistrictknownas"theHeights."IcametotheWillettHouse.That,too,hadanairofshabbiness,——ofwell-tendedshabbiness,tobesure;thestonestepshadbeenscrupulouslyscrubbed,butoneofthemwascrackedclearacross,andthesilveronthepolishedname-platewaswearingoff;eventheactofpullingtheknobofadoor-bellwasbecomingobsolete,sousedhadwegrowntopushingporcelainbuttonsinbright,newvestibules.AsI

waitedformysummonstobeanswereditstruckmeasremarkablethatneitherNancynorherfatherhadbeencontaminatedbytheshabbinessthatsurroundedthem.

Shehadmanagedrathermarvellouslytoredeemoneroomfromtheold-

fashionedseverityoftherestofthehouse,thelibrarybehindthebig"parlour."ItwasNancy"sroom,eloquentofherdaintinessandtaste,ofheressentialmodernityandluxuriousness;andthatevening,asIwasusheredintoit,thisqualityofluxuriousness,ofbeingabletoshutoutthedisagreeableaspectsoflifethatsurroundedandthreatenedher,particularlyimpressedme.Shehadnotlackedopportunitiestoescape.

IwondereduneasilyasIwaitedwhyshehadnotembracedthem.Istrayedabouttheroom.Acoalfireburnedinthegrate,thered-shadedlampsgaveasubduedbutcheerfullight;someimpulseledmetocrossovertothewindowsanddrawasidetheheavyhangings.Duskwasgatheringoverthatgarden,bleakandfrozennow,wherewehadrompedtogetheraschildren.Howqueertheplaceseemed!Howshrivelled!Onceithadhadthewiderangeofapark.There,stillweatheringtheelements,wastheold-fashionedlatticedsummer-house,butthefruit-treesthatIrecalledascloudsofpinkandwhiteweregoneAtouchofpoignancywasinthesememories.Idroppedthecurtain,andturnedtoconfrontNancy,whohadenterednoiselessly.

"Well,Hugh,wereyoudreaming?"shesaid.

"Notexactly,"Ireplied,embarrassed."Iwaslookingatthegarden."

"Thesoothasruinedit.Mylifeseemstobeonecontinualstruggleagainstthesoot,——theblacks,astheEnglishcallthem.It"samoreexpressiveterm.Theyarelikeanarmy,youknow,overwhelmingintheirrelentlessinvasion.Well,dositdown.Itisniceofyoutocome.

You"llhavesometea,won"tyou?"

Themaidhadbroughtinthetray.Afternoonteawasstillratheranewcustomwithus,moreofaceremonythanameal;andasNancyhandedmemycupandthethinnestofslicesofbreadandbutterIfoundtheintimacyofthesituationalittledisquieting.Hermannerwasindeedintimate,andyetithadtheoddanddisturbingeffectofmakingherseemmoreremote.AsshechattedIansweredherperfunctorily,whileallthetimeIwasaskingmyselfwhyIhadceasedtodesireher,whethertheoldlongingforhermightnotreturn——wasnotevennowreturning?ImightindeedgofarafieldtofindawifesosuitedtomeasNancy.Shehadbeauty,distinction,andposition.Shewasawomanofwhomanymanmightbeproud

"Ihaven"tcongratulatedyouyet,Hugh,"shesaidsuddenly,"nowthatyouareapartnerofMr.Watling"s.Ihearonallsidesthatyouareonthehighroadtoagreatsuccess."

"OfcourseI"mgladtobeinthefirm,"Iadmitted.

ItwasanewtackforNancy,ratheradisquietingone,thisdiscussionofmyaffairs,whichshehadsolongavoidedorignored."Youaregettingwhatyouhavealwayswanted,aren"tyou?"

Iwonderedinsometrepidationwhetherbythatword"always"shewasmakingadeliberatereferencetothepast.

"Always?"Irepeated,ratherfatuously.

"Nearlyalways,eversinceyouhavebeenaman."

Iwasincapableoftakingadvantageoftheopening,ifitwereone.Shewasbaffling.

"Amanlikestosucceedinhisprofession,ofcourse,"Isaid.

"Andyoumadeupyourmindtosucceedmoredeliberatelythanmostmen.I

needn"taskyouifyouaresatisfied,Hugh.Successseemstoagreewithyou,——althoughIimagineyouwillneverbesatisfied."

"Whydoyousaythat?"Idemanded.

"Ihaven"tknownyouallyourlifefornothing.IthinkIknowyoumuchbetterthanyouknowyourself."

"Youhaven"tactedasifyoudid,"Iexclaimed.

Shesmiled.

"HaveyoubeeninterestedinwhatIthoughtaboutyou?"sheasked.

"Thatisn"tquitefair,Nancy,"Iprotested."Youhaven"tgivenmemuchevidencethatyoudidthinkaboutme."

"HaveIreceivedmuchencouragementtodoso?"sheinquired.

"Butyouhaven"tseemedtoinvite——you"vekeptmeatarm"slength."

"Oh,don"tfence!"shecried,rathersharply.

Ihadbecomeagitated,buthernextwordsgavemeashockthatwasmomentarilyparalyzing.

"Iaskedyoutocomehereto-day,Hugh,becauseIwishedyoutoknowthatIhavemadeupmymindtomarryHambletonDurrett."

"HambletonDurrett!"Iechoedstupidly."HambletonDurrett!"

"Whynot?"

"Haveyou——haveyouacceptedhim?"

"No.ButImeantodoso."

"You——youlovehim?"

"Idon"tseewhatrightyouhavetoask."

"Butyoujustsaidthatyouinvitedmeheretotalkfrankly."

"No,Idon"tlovehim."

"Thenwhy,inheaven"sname,areyougoingtomarryhim?"

Shelaybackinherchair,regardingme,herlipsslightlyparted.Allatoncethefullflavourofher,thesuperfinequalitywasrevealedafteryearsofblindness——NorcanIdescribethesuddenrebellion,therevulsionthatIexperienced.HambletonDurrett!Itwasanoutrage,asacrilege!Igotup,andputmyhandonthemantel.Nancyremainedmotionless,inert,herheadlyingbackagainstthechair.Coulditbethatshewereenjoyingmydiscomfiture?ThereisnoneedtoconfessthatIknewnexttonothingofwomen;hadIbeenlessexcited,ImighthavemadethediscoverythatIstillregardedthemsentimentally.Certainromanticaxiomsconcerningthem,garneredfromVictorianliterature,passedcurrentinmymindforwisdom;andoneofthesedeclaredthattheywerepronetoremaintruetoanearlylove.DidNancystillcareforme?

Thequery,comingasitdidontopofmyemotion,broughtwithitastrangeandoverwhelmingperplexity.DidIreallycareforher?ThemanyyearsduringwhichIhadpractisedthehabitofcautionbegantoexertaninhibitingpressure.Herewasasituation,anopportunitysuddenlythrustuponmewhichmightneverreturn,andwhichIwasutterlyunpreparedtomeet.WouldIbehappywithNancy,afterall?Herexpressionwasstillenigmatic.

"Whyshouldn"tImarryhim?"shedemanded.

"Becausehe"snotgoodenoughforyou."

"Good!"sheexclaimed,andlaughed."Helovesme.Hewantsmewithoutreservationorcalculation."Therewasastinginthis."Andisheanyworse,"sheaskedslowly,"thanmanyotherswhomightbementioned?"

"No,"Iagreed.IdidnotintendtobeledintothethanklessanddisagreeablepositionofcondemningHambletonDurrett."Butwhyhaveyouwaitedalltheseyearsifyoudidnotmeantomarryamanofability,amanwhohasmadesomethingofhimself?"

"Amanlikeyou,Hugh?"shesaidgently.

Iflushed.

"Thatisn"tquitefair,Nancy."

"Whatareyouworkingfor?"shesuddenlyinquired,straighteningup.

"Whatanymanworksfor,Isuppose."

"Ah,thereyouhavehitit,——whatanymanworksforinourworld.

Power,——personalpower.Youwanttobesomebody,——isn"tthatit?Notthenoblestambition,you"llhavetoadmit,——notthekindofthingweusedtodreamabout,whenwediddream.Well,whenwefindwecan"trealizeourdreams,wetakethenextbestthing.AndIfailtoseewhyyoushouldblamemefortakingitwhenyouyourselfhavetakenit.

HambletonDurrettcangiveittome.He"llacceptmeonmyownterms,hewon"tinterferewithme,Ishan"tbedisillusionized,——andIshallhaveapositionwhichIcouldnothopetohaveifIremainedunmarried,averymarkedpositionasHambletonDurrett"swife.Iamthirty,youknow."

Herfranknessappalledme.

"Thetroublewithyou,Hugh,isthatyoustilldeceiveyourself.Youthrowaglamouroverthings.Youwanttokeepyourcakeandeatittoo.

"Idon"tseewhyyousaythat.Andmarriageespecially——"

Shetookmeup.

"Marriage!Whatothercareerisopentoawoman?Unlesssheismarried,andmarriedwell,accordingtothemoneystandardyoumenhavesetup,sheisnobody.Wecan"tallbeFlorenceNightingales,andIamunabletoimaginemyselfaJuliaWardHoweoraHarrietBeecherStowe.Whatisleft?Nothingbutmarriage.I"mhardandcynical,youwillsay,butI

havethought,andI"mnotafraid,asIhavetoldyou,tolookthingsintheface.Thereareveryfewwomen,Ithink,whowouldnottaketherealthingiftheyhadthechancebeforeitweretoolate,whowouldn"tbewillingtodotheirowncookinginordertogetit."

Shefellsilentsuddenly.Ibegantopacetheroom.

"ForGod"ssake,don"tdothis,Nancy!"Ibegged.

Butshecontinuedtostareintothefire,asthoughshehadnotheardme.

"Ifyouhadmadeupyourmindtodoit,whydidyoutellme?"Iasked.

"Sentiment,Isuppose.IampayingatributetowhatIoncewas,towhatyouoncewere,"shesaid.A——asortofgood-byetosentiment."

"Nancy!"Isaidhoarsely.

Sheshookherhead.

"No,Hugh.Surelyyoucan"tmisjudgemeso!"sheansweredreproachfully.

"DoyouthinkIshouldhavesentforyouifIhadmeant——that!"

"No,no,Ididn"tthinkso.Butwhynot?You——youcaredonce,andyoutellmeplainlyyoudon"tlovehim.Itwasallaterriblemistake.Weweremeantforeachother."

"Ididloveyouthen,"shesaid."Youneverknewhowmuch.AndthereisnothingIwouldn"tgivetobringitallbackagain.ButIcan"t.It"sgone.You"regone,andI"mgone.Imeanwhatwewere.Oh,whydidyouchange?"

"Itwasyouwhochanged,"Ideclared,bewildered.

"Couldn"tyousee——can"tyouseenowwhatyoudid?Butperhapsyoucouldn"thelpit.Perhapsitwasjustyou,afterall."

"WhatIdid?"

"Whycouldn"tyouhaveheldfasttoyourfaith?Ifyouhad,youwouldhaveknownwhatitwasIadoredinyou.Oh,Idon"tmindtellingyounow,itwasjustthatfaith,Hugh,thatfaithyouhadinlife,thatfaithyouhadinme.Youweren"tcynicalandcalculating,likeRalphHambleton,youhadimagination.I——Idreamed,too.Anddoyourememberthetimewhenyoumadetheboat,andwewenttoLogan"sPond,andyousankinher?"

"Andyoustayed,"Iwenton,"whenalltheothersranaway?Yourandownthehilllikeawhirlwind."

Shelaughed.

"Andthenyoucamehereoneday,toaparty,andsaidyouweregoingtoHarvard,andquarrelledwithme."

"Whydidyoudoubtmet"Iaskedagitatedly."Whydidn"tyouletmeseethatyoustillcared?"

"Becausethatwasn"tyou,Hugh,thatwasn"tyourrealself.DoyousupposeitmatteredtomewhetheryouwenttoHarvardwiththeothers?

Oh,Iwasfoolishtoo,Iknow.Ishouldn"thavesaidwhatIdid.Butwhatistheuseofregrets?"sheexclaimed."We"vebothrunafterthepracticalgods,andtheothershavehiddentheirfacesfromus.Itmaybethatwearenottoblame,eitherofus,thatthepracticalgodsaretoostrong.We"velearnedtoloveandworshipthem,andnowwecan"tdowithoutthem."

"Wecantry,Nancy,"Ipleaded.

"No,"sheansweredinalowvoice,"that"sthedifferencebetweenyouandme.Iknowmyselfbetterthanyouknowyourself,andIknowyoubetter."

Shesmiledagain."Unlesswecouldhaveitallbackagain,Ishouldn"twantanyofit.Youdonotloveme——"

Istartedoncemoretoprotest.

"No,no,don"tsayit!"shecried.

"Youmaythinkyoudo,justthismoment,butit"sonlybecause——you"vebeenmoved.Andwhatyoubelieveyouwantisn"tme,it"swhatIwas.

ButI"mnotthatanymore,——I"msimplyrecallingthat,don"tyousee?

Andeventhenyouwouldn"twishme,now,asIwas.Thatsoundsinvolved,butyoumustunderstand.Youwantawomanwhowillbewrappedupinyourcareer,Hugh,andyetwhowillnotshareit,——whowilldevoteherselfbodyandsoultowhatyouhavebecome.Awomanwhomyoucanshape.Andyouwon"treallyloveher,butonlyjustsomuchofherasmaybecometheincarnationofyou.Well,I"mnotthatkindofwoman.Imighthavebeen,hadyoubeendifferent.I"mnotatallsure.CertainlyI"mnotthatkindnow,eventhoughIknowinmyheartthatthesortofcareeryouhavemadeforyourself,andthatIintendtomakeformyselfisalldross.ButnowIcan"tdowithoutit."

"AndyetyouaregoingtomarryHambletonDurrett!"Isaid.

Sheunderstoodme,althoughIregrettedmywordsatonce.

"Yes,Iamgoingtomarryhim."Therewasashadeofbitterness,ofdefianceinhervoice."Surelyyouarenotofferingmethe——theotherthing,now.Oh,Hugh!"

"Iamwillingtoabandonitall,Nancy."

"No,"shesaid,"you"renot,andI"mnot.Whatyoucan"tseeandwon"tseeisthatithasbecomepartofyou.Oh,youaresuccessful,youwillbemoreandmoresuccessful.AndyouthinkIshouldbesomebody,asyourwife,Hugh,moreperhaps,eventually,thanIshallbeasHambleton"s.

ButIshouldbenobody,too.Icouldn"tstanditnow,mydear.Youmustrealizethatassoonasyouhavetimetothinkitover.Weshallbefriends."

Thesuddengentlenessinhervoicepiercedmethroughandthrough.Sheheldoutherhand.Somethinginhergraspspokeofaresolutionwhichcouldnotbeshaken.

"Andbesides,"sheaddedsadly,"Idon"tloveyouanymore,Hugh.I"mmourningforsomethingthat"sgone.Iwantedtohavejustthisonetalkwithyou.Butweshan"tmentionitagain,——we"llclosethebook."

AtthatIfledoutofthehouse,andatfirstthethoughtofherasanotherman"swife,asHambletonDurrett"swife,wasseeminglynottobeborne.Itwasincredible!"We"llclosethebook."Ifoundmyselfrepeatingthephrase;anditseemedthenasthoughsomethingwithinmeI

hadbelieveddead——somethingthatformerlyhadbeenallofme——hadrevivedagaintothrobwithpain.

Itisnotsurprisingthattheacutenessofmysufferingwasofshortduration,thoughIremembercertainsharptwingeswhentheannouncementoftheengagementburstonthecity.TherewasmuchcontroversyoverthequestionastowhetherornotHamDurrett"sreformwouldbepermanent;

butmostpeoplewerewillingtogivehimthebenefitofthedoubt;itwastimehesettleddownandtookthepositioninthecommunitythatwastobeexpectedofoneofhisname;andasforNancy,itwasgenerallyagreedthatshehaddonewellforherself.Shewasnotmadeforpoverty——andwhosowellasshewasfittedforthesocialleadershipofourcommunity?