第11章
Headjustedhimselfatonce，becamenormallydistant。
`IfIfindIcanlivesufficientlybymyself，"hecontinued，`Ishallgiveupmyworkaltogether。Ithasbecomedeadtome。Idon"tbelieveinthehumanityIpretendtobepartof，Idon"tcareastrawforthesocialidealsIliveby，Ihatethedyingorganicformofsocialmankind——soitcan"tbeanythingbuttrumpery，toworkateducation。IshalldropitassoonasIamclearenough——tomorrowperhaps——andbebymyself。"
`Haveyouenoughtoliveon？"askedUrsula。
`Yes——I"veaboutfourhundredayear。Thatmakesiteasyforme。"
Therewasapause。
`AndwhataboutHermione？"askedUrsula。
`That"sover，finally——apurefailure，andnevercouldhavebeenanythingelse。"
`Butyoustillknoweachother？"
`Wecouldhardlypretendtobestrangers，couldwe？"
Therewasastubbornpause。
`Butisn"tthatahalf—measure？"askedUrsulaatlength。
`Idon"tthinkso，"hesaid。`You"llbeabletotellmeifitis。"
Againtherewasapauseofsomeminutes"duration。Hewasthinking。
`Onemustthroweverythingaway，everything——leteverythinggo，togettheonelastthingonewants，"hesaid。
`Whatthing？"sheaskedinchallenge。
`Idon"tknow——freedomtogether，"hesaid。
Shehadwantedhimtosay`love。"
Therewasheardaloudbarkingofthedogsbelow。Heseemeddisturbedbyit。Shedidnotnotice。Onlyshethoughtheseemeduneasy。
`Asamatteroffact，"hesaid，inratherasmallvoice，`IbelievethatisHermionecomenow，withGeraldCrich。Shewantedtoseetheroomsbeforetheyarefurnished。"
`Iknow，"saidUrsula。`Shewillsuperintendthefurnishingforyou。"
`Probably。Doesitmatter？"
`Ohno，Ishouldthinknot，"saidUrsula。`Thoughpersonally，Ican"tbearher。Ithinksheisalie，ifyoulike，youwhoarealwaystalkingaboutlies。"Thensheruminatedforamoment，whenshebrokeout:`Yes，andIdomindifshefurnishesyourrooms——Idomind。Imindthatyoukeepherhangingonatall。"
Hewassilentnow，frowning。
`Perhaps，"hesaid。`Idon"twanthertofurnishtheroomshere——andIdon"tkeepherhangingon。Only，Ineedn"tbechurlishtoher，needI？Atanyrate，Ishallhavetogodownandseethemnow。You"llcome，won"tyou？"
`Idon"tthinkso，"shesaidcoldlyandirresolutely。
`Won"tyou？Yesdo。Comeandseetheroomsaswell。Docome。"
WomenInLove:Chapter12CHAPTERXIICarpetingHESETOFFdownthebank，andshewentunwillinglywithhim。Yetshewouldnothavestayedaway，either。
`Weknoweachotherwell，youandI，already，"hesaid。Shedidnotanswer。
Inthelargedarkishkitchenofthemill，thelabourer"swifewastalkingshrillytoHermioneandGerald，whostood，heinwhiteandsheinaglisteningbluishfoulard，strangelyluminousintheduskoftheroom;whilstfromthecagesonthewalls，adozenormorecanariessangatthetopoftheirvoices。Thecageswereallplacedroundasmallsquarewindowattheback，wherethesunshinecamein，abeautifulbeam，filteringthroughgreenleavesofatree。ThevoiceofMrsSalmonshrilledagainstthenoiseofthebirds，whichroseevermorewildandtriumphant，andthewoman"svoicewentupandupagainstthem，andthebirdsrepliedwithwildanimation。
`Here"sRupert！"shoutedGeraldinthemidstofthedin。Hewassufferingbadly，beingverysensitiveintheear。
`O—o—hthembirds，theywon"tletyouspeak——！"shrilledthelabourer"swifeindisgust。`I"llcoverthemup。"
Andshedartedhereandthere，throwingaduster，anapron，atowel，atable—clothoverthecagesofthebirds。
`Nowwillyoustopit，andletabodyspeakforyourrow，"shesaid，stillinavoicethatwastoohigh。
Thepartywatchedher。Soonthecageswerecovered，theyhadastrangefunereallook。Butfromunderthetowelsodddefianttrillsandbubblingsstillshookout。
`Oh，theywon"tgoon，"saidMrsSalmonreassuringly。`They"llgotosleepnow。"
`Really，"saidHermione，politely。
`Theywill，"saidGerald。`Theywillgotosleepautomatically，nowtheimpressionofeveningisproduced。"
`Aretheysoeasilydeceived？"criedUrsula。
`Oh，yes，"repliedGerald。`Don"tyouknowthestoryofFabre，who，whenhewasaboy，putahen"sheadunderherwing，andshestraightawaywenttosleep？It"squitetrue。"
`Anddidthatmakehimanaturalist？"askedBirkin。
`Probably，"saidGerald。
MeanwhileUrsulawaspeepingunderoneofthecloths。Theresatthecanaryinacorner，bunchedandfluffedupforsleep。
`Howridiculous！"shecried。`Itreallythinksthenighthascome！Howabsurd！Really，howcanonehaveanyrespectforacreaturethatissoeasilytakenin！"
`Yes，"sangHermione，comingalsotolook。SheputherhandonUrsula"sarmandchuckledalowlaugh。`Yes，doesn"thelookcomical？"shechuckled。
`Likeastupidhusband。"
Then，withherhandstillonUrsula"sarm，shedrewheraway，saying，inhermildsing—song:
`Howdidyoucomehere？WesawGudruntoo。"
`Icametolookatthepond，"saidUrsula，`andIfoundMrBirkinthere。"
`Didyou？ThisisquiteaBrangwenland，isn"tit！"
`I"mafraidIhopedso，"saidUrsula。`Iranhereforrefuge，whenI
sawyoudownthelake，justputtingoff。"
`Didyou！Andnowwe"verunyoutoearth。"
Hermione"seyelidsliftedwithanuncannymovement，amusedbutoverwrought。
Shehadalwaysherstrange，raptlook，unnaturalandirresponsible。
`Iwasgoingon，"saidUrsula。`MrBirkinwantedmetoseetherooms。
Isn"titdelightfultolivehere？Itisperfect。"
`Yes，"saidHermione，abstractedly。ThensheturnedrightawayfromUrsula，ceasedtoknowherexistence。
`Howdoyoufeel，Rupert？"shesanginanew，affectionatetone，toBirkin。
`Verywell，"hereplied。
`Wereyouquitecomfortable？"Thecurious，sinister，raptlookwasonHermione"sface，sheshruggedherbosominaconvulsedmovement，andseemedlikeonehalfinatrance。
`Quitecomfortable，"hereplied。
Therewasalongpause，whilstHermionelookedathimforalongtime，fromunderherheavy，druggedeyelids。
`Andyouthinkyou"llbehappyhere？"shesaidatlast。
`I"msureIshall。"
`I"msureIshalldoanythingforhimasIcan，"saidthelabourer"swife。`AndI"msureourmasterwill;soIhopehe"llfindhimselfcomfortable。"
Hermioneturnedandlookedatherslowly。
`Thankyousomuch，"shesaid，andthensheturnedcompletelyawayagain。
Sherecoveredherposition，andliftingherfacetowardshim，andaddressinghimexclusively，shesaid:
`Haveyoumeasuredtherooms？"
`No，"hesaid，`I"vebeenmendingthepunt。"
`Shallwedoitnow？"shesaidslowly，balancedanddispassionate。
`Haveyougotatapemeasure，MrsSalmon？"hesaid，turningtothewoman。
`Yessir，IthinkIcanfindone，"repliedthewoman，bustlingimmediatelytoabasket。`ThisistheonlyoneI"vegot，ifitwilldo。"
Hermionetookit，thoughitwasofferedtohim。
`Thankyousomuch，"shesaid。`Itwilldoverynicely。Thankyousomuch。"ThensheturnedtoBirkin，sayingwithalittlegaymovement:`Shallwedoitnow，Rupert？"
`Whatabouttheothers，they"llbebored，"hesaidreluctantly。
`Doyoumind？"saidHermione，turningtoUrsulaandGeraldvaguely。
`Notintheleast，"theyreplied。
`Whichroomshallwedofirst？"shesaid，turningagaintoBirkin，withthesamegaiety，nowshewasgoingtodosomethingwithhim。
`We"lltakethemastheycome，"hesaid。
`ShouldIbegettingyourteasready，whileyoudothat？"saidthelabourer"swife，alsogaybecauseshehadsomethingtodo。
`Wouldyou？"saidHermione，turningtoherwiththecuriousmotionofintimacythatseemedtoenvelopthewoman，drawheralmosttoHermione"sbreast，andwhichlefttheothersstandingapart。`Ishouldbesoglad。
Whereshallwehaveit？"
`Wherewouldyoulikeit？Shallitbeinhere，oroutonthegrass？"
`Whereshallwehavetea？"sangHermionetothecompanyatlarge。
`Onthebankbythepond。Andwe"llcarrythethingsup，ifyou"lljustgetthemready，MrsSalmon，"saidBirkin。
`Allright，"saidthepleasedwoman。
Thepartymoveddownthepassageintothefrontroom。Itwasempty，butcleanandsunny。Therewasawindowlookingontothetangledfrontgarden。
`Thisisthediningroom，"saidHermione。`We"llmeasureitthisway，Rupert——yougodownthere——"
`Can"tIdoitforyou，"saidGerald，comingtotaketheendofthetape。
`No，thankyou，"criedHermione，stoopingtothegroundinherbluish，brilliantfoulard。Itwasagreatjoytohertodothings，andtohavetheorderingofthejob，withBirkin。Heobeyedhersubduedly。UrsulaandGeraldlookedon。ItwasapeculiarityofHermione"s，thatateverymoment，shehadoneintimate，andturnedalltherestofthosepresentintoonlookers。Thisraisedherintoastateoftriumph。
Theymeasuredanddiscussedinthedining—room，andHermionedecidedwhatthefloorcoveringsmustbe。Itsentherintoastrange，convulsedanger，tobethwarted。Birkinalwaysletherhaveherway，forthemoment。
Thentheymovedacross，throughthehall，totheotherfrontroom，thatwasalittlesmallerthanthefirst。
`Thisisthestudy，"saidHermione。`Rupert，IhavearugthatIwantyoutohaveforhere。Willyouletmegiveittoyou？Do——Iwanttogiveityou。"
`Whatisitlike？"heaskedungraciously。
`Youhaven"tseenit。Itischieflyrosered，thenblue，ametallic，mid—blue，andaverysoftdarkblue。Ithinkyouwouldlikeit。Doyouthinkyouwould？"
`Itsoundsverynice，"hereplied。`Whatisit？Oriental？Withapile？"
`Yes。Persian！Itismadeofcamel"shair，silky。IthinkitiscalledBergamos——twelvefeetbyseven——。Doyouthinkitwilldo？"
`Itwoulddo，"hesaid。`Butwhyshouldyougivemeanexpensiverug？IcanmanageperfectlywellwithmyoldOxfordTurkish。"
`ButmayIgiveittoyou？Doletme。"
`Howmuchdiditcost？"
Shelookedathim，andsaid:
`Idon"tremember。Itwasquitecheap。"
Helookedather，hisfaceset。
`Idon"twanttotakeit，Hermione，"hesaid。
`Doletmegiveittotherooms，"shesaid，goinguptohimandputtingherhandonhisarmlightly，pleadingly。`Ishallbesodisappointed。"
`YouknowIdon"twantyoutogivemethings，"herepeatedhelplessly。
`Idon"twanttogiveyouthings，"shesaidteasingly。`Butwillyouhavethis？"
`Allright，"hesaid，defeated，andshetriumphed。
Theywentupstairs。Thereweretwobedroomstocorrespondwiththeroomsdownstairs。Oneofthemwashalffurnished，andBirkinhadevidentlysleptthere。Hermionewentroundtheroomcarefully，takingineverydetail，asifabsorbingtheevidenceofhispresence，inalltheinanimatethings。
Shefeltthebedandexaminedthecoverings。
`Areyousureyouwerequitecomfortable？"shesaid，pressingthepillow。
`Perfectly，"herepliedcoldly。
`Andwereyouwarm？Thereisnodownquilt。Iamsureyouneedone。
Youmustn"thaveagreatpressureofclothes。"
`I"vegotone，"hesaid。`Itiscomingdown。"
Theymeasuredtherooms，andlingeredovereveryconsideration。Ursulastoodatthewindowandwatchedthewomancarryingtheteaupthebanktothepond。ShehatedthepalaverHermionemade，shewantedtodrinktea，shewantedanythingbutthisfussandbusiness。
Atlasttheyallmountedthegrassybank，tothepicnic。Hermionepouredouttea。SheignorednowUrsula"spresence。AndUrsula，recoveringfromherill—humour，turnedtoGeraldsaying:
`Oh，Ihatedyousomuchtheotherday，MrCrich，"
`Whatfor？"saidGerald，wincingslightlyaway。
`Fortreatingyourhorsesobadly。Oh，Ihatedyousomuch！"
`Whatdidhedo？"sangHermione。
`HemadehislovelysensitiveArabhorsestandwithhimattherailway—crossingwhilstahorriblelotoftruckswentby;andthepoorthing，shewasinaperfectfrenzy，aperfectagony。Itwasthemosthorriblesightyoucanimagine。"
`Whydidyoudoit，Gerald？"askedHermione，calmandinterrogative。
`Shemustlearntostand——whatuseisshetomeinthiscountry，ifsheshiesandgoesoffeverytimeanenginewhistles。"
`Butwhyinflictunnecessarytorture？"saidUrsula。`Whymakeherstandallthattimeatthecrossing？Youmightjustaswellhaveriddenbackuptheroad，andsavedallthathorror。Hersideswerebleedingwhereyouhadspurredher。Itwastoohorrible——！"
Geraldstiffened。
`Ihavetouseher，"hereplied。`AndifI"mgoingtobesureofheratall，she"llhavetolearntostandnoises。"
`Whyshouldshe？"criedUrsulainapassion。`Sheisalivingcreature，whyshouldshestandanything，justbecauseyouchoosetomakeher？Shehasasmuchrighttoherownbeing，asyouhavetoyours。"
`ThereIdisagree，"saidGerald。`Iconsiderthatmareisthereformyuse。NotbecauseIboughther，butbecausethatisthenaturalorder。
Itismorenaturalforamantotakeahorseanduseitashelikes，thanforhimtogodownonhiskneestoit，beggingittodoasitwishes，andtofulfilitsownmarvellousnature。"
Ursulawasjustbreakingout，whenHermioneliftedherfaceandbegan，inhermusingsing—song:
`Idothink——Idoreallythinkwemusthavethecouragetousetheloweranimallifeforourneeds。Idothinkthereissomethingwrong，whenwelookoneverylivingcreatureasifitwereourselves。I
dofeel，thatitisfalsetoprojectourownfeelingsoneveryanimatecreature。Itisalackofdiscrimination，alackofcriticism。"
`Quite，"saidBirkinsharply。`Nothingissodetestableasthemaudlinattributingofhumanfeelingsandconsciousnesstoanimals。"
`Yes，"saidHermione，wearily，`wemustreallytakeaposition。Eitherwearegoingtousetheanimals，ortheywilluseus。"
`That"safact，"saidGerald。`Ahorsehasgotawilllikeaman，thoughithasnomindstrictly。Andifyourwillisn"tmaster，thenthehorseismasterofyou。AndthisisathingIcan"thelp。Ican"thelpbeingmasterofthehorse。"
`Ifonlywecouldlearnhowtouseourwill，"saidHermione，`wecoulddoanything。Thewillcancureanything，andputanythingright。ThatI
amconvincedof——ifonlyweusethewillproperly，intelligibly。"
`Whatdoyoumeanbyusingthewillproperly？"saidBirkin。
`Averygreatdoctortaughtme，"shesaid，addressingUrsulaandGeraldvaguely。`Hetoldmeforinstance，thattocureoneselfofabadhabit，oneshouldforceoneselftodoit，whenonewouldnotdoit——makeoneselfdoit——andthenthehabitwoulddisappear。"
`Howdoyoumean？"saidGerald。
`Ifyoubiteyournails，forexample。Then，whenyoudon"twanttobiteyournails，bitethem，makeyourselfbitethem。Andyouwouldfindthehabitwasbroken。"
`Isthatso？"saidGerald。
`Yes。Andinsomanythings，Ihavemademyselfwell。Iwasaveryqueerandnervousgirl。Andbylearningtousemywill，simplybyusingmywill，Imademyselfright。"
UrsulalookedallthewhiteatHermione，asshespokeinherslow，dispassionate，andyetstrangelytensevoice。Acuriousthrillwentovertheyoungerwoman。
Somestrange，dark，convulsivepowerwasinHermione，fascinatingandrepelling。
`Itisfataltousethewilllikethat，"criedBirkinharshly，`disgusting。
Suchawillisanobscenity。"
Hermionelookedathimforalongtime，withhershadowed，heavyeyes。
Herfacewassoftandpaleandthin，almostphosphorescent，herjawwaslean。
`I"msureitisn"t，"shesaidatlength。Therealwaysseemedaninterval，astrangesplitbetweenwhatsheseemedtofeelandexperience，andwhatsheactuallysaidandthought。Sheseemedtocatchherthoughtsatlengthfromoffthesurfaceofamaelstromofchaoticblackemotionsandreactions，andBirkinwasalwaysfilledwithrepulsion，shecaughtsoinfallibly，herwillneverfailedher。Hervoicewasalwaysdispassionateandtense，andperfectlyconfident。Yetsheshudderedwithasenseofnausea，asortofseasicknessthatalwaysthreatenedtooverwhelmhermind。Buthermindremainedunbroken，herwillwasstillperfect。ItalmostsentBirkinmad。
Buthewouldnever，neverdaretobreakherwill，andletloosethemaelstromofhersubconsciousness，andseeherinherultimatemadness。Yethewasalwaysstrikingather。
`Andofcourse，"hesaidtoGerald，`horseshaven"tgotacompletewill，likehumanbeings。Ahorsehasnoonewill。Everyhorse，strictly，hastwowills。Withonewill，itwantstoputitselfinthehumanpowercompletely——andwiththeother，itwantstobefree，wild。Thetwowillssometimeslock——youknowthat，ifeveryou"vefeltahorsebolt，whileyou"vebeendrivingit。"
`IhavefeltahorseboltwhileIwasdrivingit，"saidGerald，`butitdidn"tmakemeknowithadtwowills。Ionlyknewitwasfrightened。"
Hermionehadceasedtolisten。Shesimplybecameobliviouswhenthesesubjectswerestarted。
`Whyshouldahorsewanttoputitselfinthehumanpower？"askedUrsula。
`Thatisquiteincomprehensibletome。Idon"tbelieveiteverwantedit。"
`Yesitdid。It"sthelast，perhapshighest，love—impulse:resignyourwilltothehigherbeing，"saidBirkin。
`Whatcuriousnotionsyouhaveoflove，"jeeredUrsula。
`Andwomanisthesameashorses:twowillsactinoppositioninsideher。Withonewill，shewantstosubjectherselfutterly。Withtheothershewantstobolt，andpitchherridertoperdition。"
`ThenI"mabolter，"saidUrsula，withaburstoflaughter。
`It"sadangerousthingtodomesticateevenhorses，letalonewomen，"
saidBirkin。`Thedominantprinciplehassomerareantagonists。"
`Goodthingtoo，"saidUrsula。
`Quite，"saidGerald，withafaintsmile。`There"smorefun。"
Hermionecouldbearnomore。Sherose，sayinginhereasysing—song:
`Isn"ttheeveningbeautiful！Igetfilledsometimeswithsuchagreatsenseofbeauty，thatIfeelIcanhardlybearit。"
Ursula，towhomshehadappealed，rosewithher，movedtothelastimpersonaldepths。AndBirkinseemedtoheralmostamonsterofhatefularrogance。
ShewentwithHermionealongthebankofthepond，talkingofbeautiful，soothingthings，pickingthegentlecowslips。
`Wouldn"tyoulikeadress，"saidUrsulatoHermione，`ofthisyellowspottedwithorange——acottondress？"
`Yes，"saidHermione，stoppingandlookingattheflower，lettingthethoughtcomehometoherandsootheher。`Wouldn"titbepretty？Ishouldloveit。"
AndsheturnedsmilingtoUrsula，inafeelingofrealaffection。
ButGeraldremainedwithBirkin，wantingtoprobehimtothebottom，toknowwhathemeantbythedualwillinhorses。AflickerofexcitementdancedonGerald"sface。
HermioneandUrsulastrayedontogether，unitedinasuddenbondofdeepaffectionandcloseness。
`Ireallydonotwanttobeforcedintoallthiscriticismandanalysisoflife。Ireallydowanttoseethingsintheirentirety，withtheirbeautylefttothem，andtheirwholeness，theirnaturalholiness。
Don"tyoufeelit，don"tyoufeelyoucan"tbetorturedintoanymoreknowledge？"saidHermione，stoppinginfrontofUrsula，andturningtoherwithclenchedfiststhrustdownwards。
`Yes，"saidUrsula。`Ido。Iamsickofallthispokingandprying。"
`I"msogladyouare。Sometimes，"saidHermione，againstoppingarrestedinherprogressandturningtoUrsula，`sometimesIwonderifIoughttosubmittoallthisrealisation，ifIamnotbeingweakinrejectingit。ButIfeelIcan"t——Ican"t。Itseemstodestroyeverything。
Allthebeautyandthe——andthetrueholinessisdestroyed——andIfeelIcan"tlivewithoutthem。"
`Anditwouldbesimplywrongtolivewithoutthem，"criedUrsula。`No，itissoirreverenttothinkthateverythingmustberealisedinthehead。Really，somethingmustbelefttotheLord，therealwaysisandalwayswillbe。"
`Yes，"saidHermione，reassuredlikeachild，`itshould，shouldn"tit？AndRupert——"sheliftedherfacetothesky，inamuse——`hecanonlytearthingstopieces。Hereallyislikeaboywhomustpulleverythingtopiecestoseehowitismade。AndIcan"tthinkitisright——itdoesseemsoirreverent，asyousay。"
`Liketearingopenabudtoseewhattheflowerwillbelike，"saidUrsula。
`Yes。Andthatkillseverything，doesn"tit？Itdoesn"tallowanypossibilityofflowering。"
`Ofcoursenot，"saidUrsula。`Itispurelydestructive。"
`Itis，isn"tit！"
HermionelookedlongandslowatUrsula，seemingtoacceptconfirmationfromher。Thenthetwowomenweresilent。Assoonastheywereinaccord，theybeganmutuallytomistrusteachother。Inspiteofherself，UrsulafeltherselfrecoilingfromHermione。Itwasallshecoulddotorestrainherrevulsion。
Theyreturnedtothemen，liketwoconspiratorswhohavewithdrawntocometoanagreement。Birkinlookedupatthem。Ursulahatedhimforhiscoldwatchfulness。Buthesaidnothing。
`Shallwebegoing？"saidHermione。`Rupert，youarecomingtoShortlandstodinner？Willyoucomeatonce，willyoucomenow，withus？"
`I"mnotdressed，"repliedBirkin。`AndyouknowGeraldsticklesforconvention。"
`Idon"tstickleforit，"saidGerald。`Butifyou"dgotassickasIhaveofrowdygo—as—you—pleaseinthehouse，you"dpreferitifpeoplewerepeacefulandconventional，atleastatmeals。"
`Allright，"saidBirkin。
`Butcan"twewaitforyouwhileyoudress？"persistedHermione。
`Ifyoulike。"
Herosetogoindoors。Ursulasaidshewouldtakeherleave。
`Only，"shesaid，turningtoGerald，`Imustsaythat，howevermanislordofthebeastandthefowl，Istilldon"tthinkhehasanyrighttoviolatethefeelingsoftheinferiorcreation。Istillthinkitwouldhavebeenmuchmoresensibleandniceofyouifyou"dtrottedbackuptheroadwhilethetrainwentby，andbeenconsiderate。"
`Isee，"saidGerald，smiling，butsomewhatannoyed。`Imustrememberanothertime。"
`TheyallthinkI"maninterferingfemale，"thoughtUrsulatoherself，asshewentaway。Butshewasinarmsagainstthem。
Sheranhomeplungedinthought。ShehadbeenverymuchmovedbyHermione，shehadreallycomeintocontactwithher，sothattherewasasortofleaguebetweenthetwowomen。Andyetshecouldnotbearher。Butsheputthethoughtaway。`She"sreallygood，"shesaidtoherself。`Shereallywantswhatisright。"AndshetriedtofeelatonewithHermione，andtoshutofffromBirkin。Shewasstrictlyhostiletohim。Butshewasheldtohimbysomebond，somedeepprinciple。Thisatonceirritatedherandsavedher。
Onlynowandagain，violentlittleshudderswouldcomeoverher，outofhersubconsciousness，andsheknewitwasthefactthatshehadstatedherchallengetoBirkin，andhehad，consciouslyorunconsciously，accepted。
Itwasafighttothedeathbetweenthem——ortonewlife:thoughinwhattheconflictlay，noonecouldsay。
WomenInLove:Chapter13CHAPTERXIIIMinoTHEDAYSwentby，andshereceivednosign。Washegoingtoignoreher，washegoingtotakenofurthernoticeofhersecret？
Adrearyweightofanxietyandacridbitternesssettledonher。AndyetUrsulaknewshewasonlydeceivingherself，andthathewouldproceed。
Shesaidnowordtoanybody。
Then，sureenough，therecameanotefromhim，askingifshewouldcometoteawithGudrun，tohisroomsintown。
`WhydoesheaskGudrunaswell？"sheaskedherselfatonce。`Doeshewanttoprotecthimself，ordoeshethinkIwouldnotgoalone？"Shewastormentedbythethoughtthathewantedtoprotecthimself。Butattheendofall，sheonlysaidtoherself:
`Idon"twantGudruntobethere，becauseIwanthimtosaysomethingmoretome。SoIshan"ttellGudrunanythingaboutit，andIshallgoalone。
ThenIshallknow。"
Shefoundherselfsittingonthetram—car，mountingupthehillgoingoutofthetown，totheplacewherehehadhislodging。Sheseemedtohavepassedintoakindofdreamworld，absolvedfromtheconditionsofactuality。
Shewatchedthesordidstreetsofthetowngobybeneathher，asifshewereaspiritdisconnectedfromthematerialuniverse。Whathaditalltodowithher？Shewaspalpitatingandformlesswithinthefluxoftheghostlife。Shecouldnotconsideranymore，whatanybodywouldsayofherorthinkabouther。Peoplehadpassedoutofherrange，shewasabsolved。
Shehadfallenstrangeanddim，outofthesheathofthemateriallife，asaberryfallsfromtheonlyworldithaseverknown，downoutofthesheathontotherealunknown。