第15章
ThatheisrightinhisestimationIamabsolutelypersuaded。
"ItpuzzlesmemuchtothinkhowonearththeprinceguessedyesterdaythatIhavehadbaddreams。Hesaidtome，’YourexcitementanddreamswillfindreliefatPavlofsk。’Whydidhesay’dreams’？Eitherheisadoctor，orelseheisamanofexceptionalintelligenceandwonderfulpowersofobservation。
(Butthatheisan’idiot，’atbottomtherecanbenodoubtwhatever。)ItsohappenedthatjustbeforehearrivedIhadadelightfullittledream；oneofakindthatIhavehundredsofjustnow。Ihadfallenasleepaboutanhourbeforehecamein，anddreamedthatIwasinsomeroom，notmyown。Itwasalargeroom，wellfurnished，withacupboard，chestofdrawers，sofa，andmybed，afinewidebedcoveredwithasilkencounterpane。
ButIobservedintheroomadreadful-lookingcreature，asortofmonster。Itwasalittlelikeascorpion，butwasnotascorpion，butfarmorehorrible，andespeciallyso，becausetherearenocreaturesanythinglikeitinnature，andbecauseithadappearedtomeforapurpose，andboresomemysterioussignification。I
lookedatthebeastwell；itwasbrownincolourandhadashell；
itwasacrawlingkindofreptile，abouteightincheslong，andnarroweddownfromthehead，whichwasaboutacoupleoffingersinwidth，totheendofthetail，whichcametoafinepoint。Outofitstrunk，aboutacoupleofinchesbelowitshead，cametwolegsatanangleofforty-fivedegrees，eachaboutthreeincheslong，sothatthebeastlookedlikeatridentfromabove。Ithadeighthardneedle-likewhiskerscomingoutfromdifferentpartsofitsbody；itwentalonglikeasnake，bendingitsbodyaboutinspiteoftheshellitwore，anditsmotionwasveryquickandveryhorribletolookat。Iwasdreadfullyafraiditwouldstingme；somebodyhadtoldme，Ithought，thatitwasvenomous；butwhattormentedmemostofallwasthewonderingandwonderingastowhohadsentitintomyroom，andwhatwasthemysterywhichI
feltitcontained。
"Ithiditselfunderthecupboardandunderthechestofdrawers，andcrawledintothecorners。Isatonachairandkeptmylegstuckedunderme。Thenthebeastcrawledquietlyacrosstheroomanddisappearedsomewherenearmychair。Ilookedaboutforitinterror，butIstillhopedthatasmyfeetweresafelytuckedawayitwouldnotbeabletotouchme。
"SuddenlyIheardbehindme，andaboutonalevelwithmyhead，asortofrattlingsound。Iturnedsharproundandsawthatthebrutehadcrawledupthewallashighasthelevelofmyface，andthatitshorribletail，whichwasmovingincrediblyfastfromsidetoside，wasactuallytouchingmyhair！Ijumpedup——anditdisappeared。Ididnotdareliedownonmybedforfearitshouldcreepundermypillow。Mymothercameintotheroom，andsomefriendsofhers。TheybegantohuntforthereptileandweremorecomposedthanIwas；theydidnotseemtobeafraidofit。ButtheydidnotunderstandasIdid。
"Suddenlythemonsterreappeared；itcrawledslowlyacrosstheroomandmadeforthedoor，asthoughwithsomefixedintention，andwithaslowmovementthatwasmorehorriblethanever。
"Thenmymotheropenedthedoorandcalledmydog，Norma。NormawasagreatNewfoundland，anddiedfiveyearsago。
"Shesprangforwardandstoodstillinfrontofthereptileasifshehadbeenturnedtostone。Thebeaststoppedtoo，butitstailandclawsstillmovedabout。Ibelieveanimalsareincapableoffeelingsupernaturalfright——ifIhavebeenrightlyinformed，——butatthismomentthereappearedtometobesomethingmorethanordinaryaboutNorma’sterror，asthoughitmustbesupernatural；
andasthoughshefelt，justasIdidmyself，thatthisreptilewasconnectedwithsomemysterioussecret，somefatalomen。
"Normabackedslowlyandcarefullyawayfromthebrute，whichfollowedher，creepingdeliberatelyafterherasthoughitintendedtomakeasuddendartandstingher。
"InspiteofNorma’sterrorshelookedfurious，thoughshetrembledinallherlimbs。Atlengthsheslowlybaredherterribleteeth，openedhergreatredjaws，hesitated——tookcourage，andseizedthebeastinhermouth。Itseemedtotrytodartoutofherjawstwice，butNormacaughtatitandhalfswalloweditasitwasescaping。Theshellcrackedinherteeth；
andthetailandlegsstuckoutofhermouthandshookaboutinahorriblemanner。SuddenlyNormagaveapiteouswhine；thereptilehadbittenhertongue。Sheopenedhermouthwidewiththepain，andIsawthebeastlyingacrosshertongue，andoutofitsbody，whichwasalmostbittenintwo，cameahideouswhite-lookingsubstance，oozingoutintoNorma’smouth；itwasoftheconsistencyofacrushedblack-beetle。justthenIawokeandtheprinceenteredtheroom。"
"Gentlemen！"saidHippolyte，breakingoffhere，"Ihavenotdoneyet，butitseemstomethatIhavewrittendownagreatdealherethatisunnecessary，——thisdream——"
"Youhaveindeed！"saidGania。
"Thereistoomuchaboutmyself，Iknow，but——"AsHippolytesaidthishisfaceworeatired，painedlook，andhewipedthesweatoffhisbrow。
"Yes，"saidLebedeff，"youcertainlythinkagreatdealtoomuchaboutyourself。"
"Well——gentlemen——Idonotforceanyonetolisten！Ifanyofyouareunwillingtosititout，pleasegoaway，byallmeans！"
"Heturnspeopleoutofahousethatisn’thisown，"mutteredRogojin。
"Supposeweallgoaway？"saidFerdishenkosuddenly。
Hippolyteclutchedhismanuscript，andgazingatthelastspeakerwithglitteringeyes，said:"Youdon’tlikemeatall！"Afewlaughedatthis，butnotall。
"Hippolyte，"saidtheprince，"givemethepapers，andgotobedlikeasensiblefellow。We’llhaveagoodtalktomorrow，butyoureallymustn’tgoonwiththisreading；itisnotgoodforyou！"
"HowcanI？HowcanI？"criedHippolyte，lookingathiminamazement。"Gentlemen！Iwasafool！Iwon’tbreakoffagain。
Listen，everyonewhowantsto！"
Hegulpeddownsomewateroutofaglassstandingnear，bentoverthetable，inordertohidehisfacefromtheaudience，andrecommenced。
"Theideathatitisnotworthwhilelivingforafewweekstookpossessionofmeamonthago，whenIwastoldthatIhadfourweekstolive，butonlypartiallysoatthattime。Theideaquiteovermasteredmethreedayssince，thateveningatPavlofsk。ThefirsttimethatIfeltreallyimpressedwiththisthoughtwasontheterraceattheprince’s，attheverymomentwhenIhadtakenitintomyheadtomakealasttrialoflife。Iwantedtoseepeopleandtrees(IbelieveIsaidsomyself)，Igotexcited，I
maintainedBurdovsky’srights，’myneighbour！’——Idreamtthatoneandallwouldopentheirarms，andembraceme，thattherewouldbeanindescribableexchangeofforgivenessbetweenusall！Inaword，Ibehavedlikeafool，andthen，atthatverysameinstant，Ifeltmy’lastconviction。’IaskmyselfnowhowIcouldhavewaitedsixmonthsforthatconviction！IknewthatIhadadiseasethatsparesnoone，andIreallyhadnoillusions；butthemoreIrealizedmycondition，themoreIclungtolife；I
wantedtoliveatanyprice。IconfessImightwellhaveresentedthatblind，deaffate，which，withnoapparentreason，seemedtohavedecidedtocrushmelikeafly；butwhydidInotstopatresentment？WhydidIbegintolive，knowingthatitwasnotworthwhiletobegin？WhydidIattempttodowhatIknewtobeanimpossibility？AndyetIcouldnotevenreadabooktotheend；Ihadgivenupreading。Whatisthegoodofreading，whatisthegoodoflearninganything，forjustsixmonths？Thatthoughthasmademethrowasideabookmorethanonce。
"Yes，thatwallofMeyer’scouldtellataleifitliked。TherewasnospotonitsdirtysurfacethatIdidnotknowbyheart。
Accursedwall！andyetitisdearertomethanallthePavlofsktrees！——Thatis——itWOULDbedearerifitwerenotallthesametome，now！
"IremembernowwithwhathungryinterestIbegantowatchthelivesofotherpeople——interestthatIhadneverfeltbefore！I
usedtowaitforColia’sarrivalimpatiently，forIwassoillmyself，then，thatIcouldnotleavethehouse。Isothrewmyselfintoeverylittledetailofnews，andtooksomuchinterestineveryreportandrumour，thatIbelieveIbecamearegulargossip！Icouldnotunderstand，amongotherthings，howallthesepeople——withsomuchlifeinandbeforethem——donotbecomeRICH——
andIdon’tunderstanditnow。IrememberbeingtoldofapoorwretchIonceknew，whohaddiedofhunger。Iwasalmostbesidemyselfwithrage！IbelieveifIcouldhaveresuscitatedhimI
wouldhavedonesoforthesolepurposeofmurderinghim！
"OccasionallyIwassomuchbetterthatIcouldgoout；butthestreetsusedtoputmeinsucharagethatIwouldlockmyselfupfordaysratherthangoout，evenifIwerewellenoughtodoso！
Icouldnotbeartoseeallthosepreoccupied，anxious-lookingcreaturescontinuouslysurgingalongthestreetspastme！Whyaretheyalwaysanxious？Whatisthemeaningoftheireternalcareandworry？Itistheirwickedness，theirperpetualdetestablemalice——that’swhatitis——theyareallfullofmalice，malice！
"Whosefaultisitthattheyareallmiserable，thattheydon’tknowhowtolive，thoughtheyhavefiftyorsixtyyearsoflifebeforethem？Whydidthatfoolallowhimselftodieofhungerwithsixtyyearsofunlivedlifebeforehim？
"Andeveryoneofthemshowshisrags，histoil-wornhands，andyellsinhiswrath:’Herearewe，workinglikecattleallourlives，andalwaysashungryasdogs，andthereareotherswhodonotwork，andarefatandrich！’Theeternalrefrain！Andsidebysidewiththemtrotsalongsomewretchedfellowwhohasknownbetterdays，doinglightporter’sworkfrommorntonightforaliving，alwaysblubberingandsayingthat’hiswifediedbecausehehadnomoneytobuymedicinewith，’andhischildrendyingofcoldandhunger，andhiseldestdaughtergonetothebad，andsoon。Oh！Ihavenopityandnopatienceforthesefoolsofpeople。
Whycan’ttheybeRothschilds？WhosefaultisitthatamanhasnotgotmillionsofmoneylikeRothschild？Ifhehaslife，allthismustbeinhispower！Whosefaultisitthathedoesnotknowhowtolivehislife？
"Oh！it’sallthesametomenow——NOW！ButatthattimeIwouldsoakmypillowatnightwithtearsofmortification，andtearatmyblanketinmyrageandfury。Oh，howIlongedatthattimetobeturnedout——ME，eighteenyearsold，poor，half-clothed，turnedoutintothestreet，quitealone，withoutlodging，withoutwork，withoutacrustofbread，withoutrelations，withoutasingleacquaintance，insomelargetown——hungry，beaten(ifyoulike)，butingoodhealth——andTHENIwouldshowthem——
"WhatwouldIshowthem？
"Oh，don’tthinkthatIhavenosenseofmyownhumiliation！I
havesufferedalreadyinreadingsofar。Whichofyoualldoesnotthinkmeafoolatthismoment——ayoungfoolwhoknowsnothingoflife——forgettingthattoliveasIhavelivedtheselastsixmonthsistolivelongerthangrey-hairedoldmen。Well，letthemlaugh，andsayitisallnonsense，iftheyplease。Theymaysayitisallfairy-tales，iftheylike；andIhavespentwholenightstellingmyselffairy-tales。Irememberthemall。ButhowcanItellfairy-talesnow？Thetimeforthemisover。TheyamusedmewhenIfoundthattherewasnoteventimeformetolearntheGreekgrammar，asIwantedtodo。’IshalldiebeforeI
gettothesyntax，’Ithoughtatthefirstpage——andthrewthebookunderthetable。Itistherestill，forIforbadeanyonetopickitup。
"Ifthis’Explanation’getsintoanybody’shands，andtheyhavepatiencetoreaditthrough，theymayconsidermeamadman，oraschoolboy，or，morelikely，amancondemnedtodie，whothoughtitonlynaturaltoconcludethatallmen，exceptinghimself，esteemlifefartoolightly，liveitfartoocarelesslyandlazily，andare，therefore，oneandall，unworthyofit。Well，I
affirmthatmyreaderiswrongagain，formyconvictionshavenothingtodowithmysentenceofdeath。Askthem，askanyoneofthem，orallofthem，whattheymeanbyhappiness！Oh，youmaybeperfectlysurethatifColumbuswashappy，itwasnotafterhehaddiscoveredAmerica，butwhenhewasdiscoveringit！YoumaybequitesurethathereachedtheculminatingpointofhishappinessthreedaysbeforehesawtheNewWorldwithhisactualeves，whenhismutinoussailorswantedtotackabout，andreturntoEurope！WhatdidtheNewWorldmatterafterall？Columbushadhardlyseenitwhenhedied，andinrealityhewasentirelyignorantofwhathehaddiscovered。Theimportantthingislife——
lifeandnothingelse！Whatisany’discovery’whatevercomparedwiththeincessant，eternaldiscoveryoflife？
"Butwhatistheuseoftalking？I’mafraidallthisissocommonplacethatmyconfessionwillbetakenforaschoolboyexercise——theworkofsomeambitiousladwritinginthehopeofhiswork’seeingthelight’；orperhapsmyreaderswillsaythat’Ihadperhapssomethingtosay，butdidnotknowhowtoexpressit。’
"Letmeaddtothisthatineveryideaemanatingfromgenius，orevenineveryserioushumanidea——borninthehumanbrain——therealwaysremainssomething——somesediment——whichcannotbeexpressedtoothers，thoughonewrotevolumesandlectureduponitforfive-and-thirtyyears。Thereisalwaysasomething，aremnant，whichwillnevercomeoutfromyourbrain，butwillremaintherewithyou，andyoualone，foreverandever，andyouwilldie，perhaps，withouthavingimpartedwhatmaybetheveryessenceofyourideatoasinglelivingsoul。
"SothatifIcannotnowimpartallthathastormentedmeforthelastsixmonths，atalleventsyouwillunderstandthat，havingreachedmy’lastconvictions，’Imusthavepaidaverydearpriceforthem。ThatiswhatIwished，forreasonsofmyown，tomakeapointofinthismy’Explanation。’
"Butletmeresume。
VI。
"IWILLnotdeceiveyou。’Reality’gotmesoentrappedinitsmeshesnowandagainduringthepastsixmonths，thatIforgotmy’sentence’(orperhapsIdidnotwishtothinkofit)，andactuallybusiedmyselfwithaffairs。
"Awordastomycircumstances。When，eightmonthssince，I
becameveryill，Ithrewupallmyoldconnectionsanddroppedallmyoldcompanions。AsIwasalwaysagloomy，morosesortofindividual，myfriendseasilyforgotme；ofcourse，theywouldhaveforgottenmeallthesame，withoutthatexcuse。Mypositionathomewassolitaryenough。FivemonthsagoIseparatedmyselfentirelyfromthefamily，andnoonedaredentermyroomexceptatstatedtimes，tocleanandtidyit，andsoon，andtobringmemymeals。Mymotherdarednotdisobeyme；shekeptthechildrenquiet，formysake，andbeatthemiftheydaredtomakeanynoiseanddisturbme。IsooftencomplainedofthemthatIshouldthinktheymustbeveryfond，indeed，ofmebythistime。IthinkI
musthavetormented’myfaithfulColia’(asIcalledhim)agooddealtoo。Hetormentedmeoflate；Icouldseethathealwaysboremytempersasthoughhehaddeterminedto’sparethepoorinvalid。’Thisannoyedme，naturally。HeseemedtohavetakenitintohisheadtoimitatetheprinceinChristianmeekness！Surikoff，wholivedaboveus，annoyedme，too。Hewassomiserablypoor，andIusedtoprovetohimthathehadnoonetoblamebuthimselfforhispoverty。IusedtobesoangrythatIthinkIfrightenedhimeventually，forhestoppedcomingtoseeme。Hewasamostmeekandhumblefellow，wasSurikoff。(N。B——
Theysaythatmeeknessisagreatpower。Imustasktheprinceaboutthis，fortheexpressionishis。)ButIrememberonedayinMarch，whenIwentuptohislodgingstoseewhetheritwastruethatoneofhischildrenhadbeenstarvedandfrozentodeath，I
begantoholdforthtohimabouthispovertybeinghisownfault，and，inthecourseofmyremarks，Iaccidentallysmiledatthecorpseofhischild。Well，thepoorwretch’slipsbegantotremble，andhecaughtmebytheshoulder，andpushedmetothedoor。’Goout，’hesaid，inawhisper。Iwentout，ofcourse，andIdeclareILIKEDit。IlikeditattheverymomentwhenIwasturnedout。ButhiswordsfilledmewithastrangesortoffeelingofdisdainfulpityforhimwheneverIthoughtofthem——afeelingwhichIdidnotintheleastdesiretoentertain。Attheverymomentoftheinsult(forIadmitthatIdidinsulthim，thoughIdidnotmeanto)，thismancouldnotlosehistemper。
Hislipshadtrembled，butIswearitwasnotwithrage。Hehadtakenmebythearm，andsaid，’Goout，’withouttheleastanger。
Therewasdignity，agreatdealofdignity，abouthim，anditwassoinconsistentwiththelookofhimthat，Iassureyou，itwasquitecomical。Buttherewasnoanger。Perhapshemerelybegantodespisemeatthatmoment。
"Sincethattimehehasalwaystakenoffhishattomeonthestairs，wheneverImethim，whichisathingheneverdidbefore；
buthealwaysgetsawayfrommeasquicklyashecan，asthoughhefeltconfused。Ifhediddespiseme，hedespisedme’meekly，’
afterhisownfashion。
"Idaresayheonlytookhishatoffoutoffear，asitwere，tothesonofhiscreditor；forhealwaysowedmymothermoney。I
thoughtofhavinganexplanationwithhim，butIknewthatifI
did，hewouldbegintoapologizeinaminuteortwo，soIdecidedtolethimalone。
"Justaboutthattime，thatis，themiddleofMarch，Isuddenlyfeltverymuchbetter；thiscontinuedforacoupleofweeks。I
usedtogooutatdusk。Ilikethedusk，especiallyinMarch，whenthenightfrostbeginstohardentheday’spuddles，andthegasisburning。
"Well，onenightintheShestilavochnaya，amanpassedmewithapaperparcelunderhisarm。Ididnottakestockofhimverycarefully，butheseemedtobedressedinsomeshabbysummerdust-coat，muchtoolightfortheseason。Whenhewasoppositethelamp-post，sometenyardsaway，Iobservedsomethingfalloutofhispocket。Ihurriedforwardtopickitup，justintime，foranoldwretchinalongkaftanrusheduptoo。Hedidnotdisputethematter，butglancedatwhatwasinmyhandanddisappeared。
"Itwasalargeold-fashionedpocket-book，stuffedfull；butI
guessed，ataglance，thatithadanythingintheworldinsideit，exceptmoney。
"Theownerwasnowsomefortyyardsaheadofme，andwasverysoonlostinthecrowd。Iranafterhim，andbegancallingout；
butasIknewnothingtosayexcepting’hey！’hedidnotturnround。Suddenlyheturnedintothegateofahousetotheleft；
andwhenIdartedinafterhim，thegatewaywassodarkthatI
couldseenothingwhatever。Itwasoneofthoselargehousesbuiltinsmalltenements，ofwhichtheremusthavebeenatleastahundred。
"WhenIenteredtheyardIthoughtIsawamangoingalongonthefarsideofit；butitwassodarkIcouldnotmakeouthisfigure。
"Icrossedtothatcornerandfoundadirtydarkstaircase。I
heardamanmountingupaboveme，somewayhigherthanIwas，andthinkingIshouldcatchhimbeforehisdoorwouldbeopenedtohim，Irushedafterhim。Iheardadooropenandshutonthefifthstorey，asIpantedalong；thestairswerenarrow，andthestepsinnumerable，butatlastIreachedthedoorIthoughttherightone。SomemomentspassedbeforeIfoundthebellandgotittoring。
"Anoldpeasantwomanopenedthedoor；shewasbusylightingthe’samovar’inatinykitchen。Shelistenedsilentlytomyquestions，didnotunderstandaword，ofcourse，andopenedanotherdoorleadingintoalittlebitofaroom，lowandscarcelyfurnishedatall，butwithalarge，widebedinit，hungwithcurtains。OnthisbedlayoneTerentich，asthewomancalledhim，drunk，itappearedtome。Onthetablewasanendofcandleinanironcandlestick，andahalf-bottleofvodka，nearlyfinished。Terentichmutteredsomethingtome，andsignedtowardsthenextroom。Theoldwomanhaddisappeared，sotherewasnothingformetodobuttoopenthedoorindicated。Ididso，andenteredthenextroom。
"Thiswasstillsmallerthantheother，socrampedthatIcouldscarcelyturnround；anarrowsinglebedatonesidetookupnearlyalltheroom。Besidesthebedtherewereonlythreecommonchairs，andawretchedoldkitchen-tablestandingbeforeasmallsofa。Onecouldhardlysqueezethroughbetweenthetableandthebed。
"Onthetable，asintheotherroom，burnedatallowcandle-endinanironcandlestick；andonthebedtherewhinedababyofscarcelythreeweeksold。Apale-lookingwomanwasdressingthechild，probablythemother；shelookedasthoughshehadnotasyetgotoverthetroubleofchildbirth，sheseemedsoweakandwassocarelesslydressed。Anotherchild，alittlegirlofaboutthreeyearsold，layonthesofa，coveredoverwithwhatlookedlikeaman’solddress-coat。
"Atthetablestoodamaninhisshirtsleeves；hehadthrownoffhiscoat；itlayuponthebed；andhewasunfoldingabluepaperparcelinwhichwereacoupleofpoundsofbread，andsomelittlesausages。
"Onthetablealongwiththesethingswereafewoldbitsofblackbread，andsometeainapot。Fromunderthebedthereprotrudedanopenportmanteaufullofbundlesofrags。Inaword，theconfusionanduntidinessoftheroomwereindescribable。
"Itappearedtome，atthefirstglance，thatboththemanandthewomanwererespectablepeople，butbroughttothatpitchofpovertywhereuntidinessseemstogetthebetterofeveryefforttocopewithit，tillatlasttheytakeasortofbittersatisfactioninit。WhenIenteredtheroom，theman，whohadenteredbutamomentbeforeme，andwasstillunpackinghisparcels，wassayingsomethingtohiswifeinanexcitedmanner。
Thenewswasapparentlybad，asusual，forthewomanbeganwhimpering。Theman’sfaceseemedtometoberefinedandevenpleasant。Hewasdark-complexioned，andabouttwenty-eightyearsofage；heworeblackwhiskers，andhislipandchinwereshaved。
Helookedmorose，butwithasortofprideofexpression。A
curiousscenefollowed。
"Therearepeoplewhofindsatisfactionintheirowntouchyfeelings，especiallywhentheyhavejusttakenthedeepestoffence；atsuchmomentstheyfeelthattheywouldratherbeoffendedthannot。Theseeasily-ignitednatures，iftheyarewise，arealwaysfullofremorseafterwards，whentheyreflectthattheyhavebeententimesasangryastheyneedhavebeen。
"Thegentlemanbeforemegazedatmeforsomesecondsinamazement，andhiswifeinterror；asthoughtherewassomethingalarminglyextraordinaryinthefactthatanyonecouldcometoseethem。Butsuddenlyhefelluponmealmostwithfury；Ihadhadnotimetomuttermorethanacoupleofwords；buthehaddoubtlessobservedthatIwasdecentlydressedand，therefore，tookdeepoffencebecauseIhaddaredenterhisdensounceremoniously，andspyoutthesqualoranduntidinessofit。
"Ofcoursehewasdelightedtogetholdofsomeoneuponwhomtoventhisrageagainstthingsingeneral。
"ForamomentIthoughthewouldassaultme；hegrewsopalethathelookedlikeawomanabouttohavehysterics；hiswifewasdreadfullyalarmed。
"’Howdareyoucomeinso？Beoff！’heshouted，tremblingalloverwithrageandscarcelyabletoarticulatethewords。
Suddenly，however，heobservedhispocketbookinmyhand。
"’Ithinkyoudroppedthis，’Iremarked，asquietlyanddrilyasIcould。(Ithoughtitbesttotreathimso。)Forsomewhilehestoodbeforemeindownrightterror，andseemedunabletounderstand。Hethensuddenlygrabbedathisside-pocket，openedhismouthinalarm，andbeathisforeheadwithhishand。
"’MyGod！’hecried，’wheredidyoufindit？How？’IexplainedinasfewwordsasIcould，andasdrilyaspossible，howIhadseenitandpickeditup；howIhadrunafterhim，andcalledouttohim，andhowIhadfollowedhimupstairsandgropedmywaytohisdoor。
"’GraciousHeaven！’hecried，’allourpapersareinit！Mydearsir，youlittleknowwhatyouhavedoneforus。Ishouldhavebeenlost——lost！’
"Ihadtakenholdofthedoor-handlemeanwhile，intendingtoleavetheroomwithoutreply；butIwaspantingwithmyrunupstairs，andmyexhaustioncametoaclimaxinaviolentfitofcoughing，sobadthatIcouldhardlystand。
"Isawhowthemandashedabouttheroomtofindmeanemptychair，howhekickedtheragsoffachairwhichwascoveredupbythem，broughtittome，andhelpedmetositdown；butmycoughwentonforanotherthreeminutesorso。WhenIcametomyselfhewassittingbymeonanotherchair，whichhehadalsoclearedoftherubbishbythrowingitalloverthefloor，andwaswatchingmeintently。
"’I’mafraidyouareill？’heremarked，inthetonewhichdoctorsusewhentheyaddressapatient。’Iammyselfamedicalman’(hedidnotsay’doctor’)，withwhichwordshewavedhishandstowardstheroomanditscontentsasthoughinprotestathispresentcondition。’Iseethatyou——’
"’I’minconsumption，’Isaidlaconically，risingfrommyseat。
Hejumpedup，too。
"’Perhapsyouareexaggerating——ifyouweretotakepropermeasuresperhaps——"
"Hewasterriblyconfusedanddidnotseemabletocollecthisscatteredsenses；thepocket-bookwasstillinhislefthand。
"’Oh，don’tmindme，’Isaid。’Dr。B——sawmelastweek’(I
luggedhiminagain)，’andmyhashisquitesettled；pardonme-’
Itookholdofthedoor-handleagain。Iwasonthepointofopeningthedoorandleavingmygratefulbutconfusedmedicalfriendtohimselfandhisshame，whenmydamnablecoughgotholdofmeagain。
"Mydoctorinsistedonmysittingdownagaintogetmybreath。Henowsaidsomethingtohiswifewho，withoutleavingherplace，addressedafewwordsofgratitudeandcourtesytome。Sheseemedveryshyoverit，andhersicklyfaceflushedupwithconfusion。
Iremained，butwiththeairofamanwhoknowsheisintrudingandisanxioustogetaway。Thedoctor’sremorseatlastseemedtoneedavent，Icouldsee。
"’IfI——’hebegan，breakingoffabruptlyeveryothermoment，andstartinganothersentence。’I-Iamsoverygratefultoyou，andI
amsomuchtoblameinyoureyes，Ifeelsure，I——yousee——’(hepointedtotheroomagain)’atthismomentIaminsuchaposition-’
"’Oh！’Isaid，’there’snothingtosee；it’squiteaclearcase——
you’velostyourpostandhavecomeuptomakeexplanationsandgetanother，ifyoucan！’
"’Howdoyouknowthat？’heaskedinamazement。
"’Oh，itwasevidentatthefirstglance，’Isaidironically，butnotintentionallyso。’Therearelotsofpeoplewhocomeupfromtheprovincesfullofhope，andrunabouttown，andhavetoliveasbesttheycan。’
"Hebegantotalkatonceexcitedlyandwithtremblinglips；hebegancomplainingandtellingmehisstory。Heinterestedme，I
confess；Isattherenearlyanhour。Hisstorywasaveryordinaryone。Hehadbeenaprovincialdoctor；hehadacivilappointment，andhadnosoonertakenitupthanintriguesbegan。
Evenhiswifewasdraggedintothese。Hewasproud，andflewintoapassion；therewasachangeoflocalgovernmentwhichactedinfavourofhisopponents；hispositionwasundermined，complaintsweremadeagainsthim；helosthispostandcameuptoPetersburgwithhislastremainingmoney，inordertoappealtohigherauthorities。Ofcoursenobodywouldlistentohimforalongtime；hewouldcomeandtellhisstoryonedayandberefusedpromptly；anotherdayhewouldbefedonfalsepromises；againhewouldbetreatedharshly；thenhewouldbetoldtosignsomedocuments；thenhewouldsignthepaperandhanditin，andtheywouldrefusetoreceiveit，andtellhimtofileaformalpetition。Inawordhehadbeendrivenaboutfromofficetoofficeforfivemonthsandhadspenteveryfarthinghehad；hiswife’slastragshadjustbeenpawned；andmeanwhileachildhadbeenborntothemand——andtodayIhaveafinalrefusaltomypetition，andIhavehardlyacrumbofbreadleft——Ihavenothingleft；mywifehashadababylately——andI-I——’
"Hesprangupfromhischairandturnedaway。Hiswifewascryinginthecorner；thechildhadbeguntomoanagain。Ipulledoutmynote-bookandbeganwritinginit。WhenIhadfinishedandrosefrommychairhewasstandingbeforemewithanexpressionofalarmedcuriosity。
"’Ihavejotteddownyourname，’Itoldhim，’andalltherestofit——theplaceyouservedat，thedistrict，thedate，andall。I
haveafriend，Bachmatoff，whoseuncleisacouncillorofstateandhastodowiththesematters，onePeterMatveyevitchBachmatoff。’
"’PeterMatveyevitchBachmatoff！’hecried，tremblingalloverwithexcitement。’Why，nearlyeverythingdependsonthatveryman！’
"Itisverycurious，thisstoryofthemedicalman，andmyvisit，andthehappyterminationtowhichIcontributedbyaccident！
Everythingfittedin，asinanovel。Itoldthepoorpeoplenottoputmuchhopeinme，becauseIwasbutapoorschoolboymyself——
(Iamnotreally，butIhumiliatedmyselfasmuchaspossibleinordertomakethemlesshopeful)——butthatIwouldgoatoncetotheVassiliOstroffandseemyfriend；andthatasIknewforcertainthathisuncleadoredhim，andwasabsolutelydevotedtohimasthelasthopeandbranchofthefamily，perhapstheoldmanmightdosomethingtoobligehisnephew。
"’Ifonlytheywouldallowmetoexplainalltohisexcellency！
IfIcouldbutbepermittedtotellmytaletohim！"hecried，tremblingwithfeverishagitation，andhiseyesflashingwithexcitement。IrepeatedoncemorethatIcouldnotholdoutmuchhope——thatitwouldprobablyendinsmoke，andifIdidnotturnupnextmorningtheymustmakeuptheirmindsthattherewasnomoretobedoneinthematter。
"Theyshowedmeoutwithbowsandeverykindofrespect；theyseemedquitebesidethemselves。Ishallneverforgettheexpressionoftheirfaces！
"ItookadroshkyanddroveovertotheVassiliOstroffatonce。
ForsomeyearsIhadbeenatenmitywiththisyoungBachmatoff，atschool。Weconsideredhimanaristocrat；atalleventsI
calledhimone。Heusedtodresssmartly，andalwaysdrovetoschoolinaprivatetrap。Hewasagoodcompanion，andwasalwaysmerryandjolly，sometimesevenwitty，thoughhewasnotveryintellectual，inspiteofthefactthathewasalwaystopoftheclass；Imyselfwasnevertopinanything！Allhiscompanionswereveryfondofhim，exceptingmyself。Hehadseveraltimesduringthoseyearscomeuptomeandtriedtomakefriends；butI
hadalwaysturnedsulkilyawayandrefusedtohaveanythingtodowithhim。Ihadnotseenhimforawholeyearnow；hewasattheuniversity。When，atnineo’clock，orso，thisevening，Iarrivedandwasshownuptohimwithgreatceremony，hefirstreceivedmewithastonishment，andnottooaffably，buthesooncheeredup，andsuddenlygazedintentlyatmeandburstoutlaughing。
"’Why，whatonearthcanhavepossessedyoutocomeandseeME，Terentieff？’hecried，withhisusualpleasant，sometimesaudacious，butneveroffensivefamiliarity，whichIlikedinreality，butforwhichIalsodetestedhim。’Whywhat’sthematter？’hecriedinalarm。’Areyouill？’
"Thatconfoundedcoughofminehadcomeonagain；Ifellintoachair，andwithdifficultyrecoveredmybreath。’It’sallright，it’sonlyconsumption’Isaid。’Ihavecometoyouwithapetition！’
"Hesatdowninamazement，andIlostnotimeintellinghimthemedicalman’shistory；andexplainedthathe，withtheinfluencewhichhepossessedoverhisuncle，mightdosomegoodtothepoorfellow。
"’I’lldoit——I’lldoit，ofcourse！’hesaid。’Ishallattackmyuncleaboutittomorrowmorning，andI’mverygladyoutoldmethestory。Buthowwasitthatyouthoughtofcomingtomeaboutit，Terentieff？’
"’Somuchdependsuponyouruncle，’Isaid。’Andbesideswehavealwaysbeenenemies，Bachmatoff；andasyouareageneroussortoffellow，IthoughtyouwouldnotrefusemyrequestbecauseI
wasyourenemy！’Iaddedwithirony。
"’LikeNapoleongoingtoEngland，eh？’criedhe，laughing。’I’lldoitthough——ofcourse，andatonce，ifIcan！’headded，seeingthatIroseseriouslyfrommychairatthispoint。
"Andsureenoughthematterendedassatisfactorilyaspossible。
Amonthorsolatermymedicalfriendwasappointedtoanotherpost。Hegothistravellingexpensespaid，andsomethingtohelphimtostartlifewithoncemore。IthinkBachmatoffmusthavepersuadedthedoctortoacceptaloanfromhimself。IsawBachmatofftwoorthreetimes，aboutthisperiod，thethirdtimebeingwhenhegaveafarewelldinnertothedoctorandhiswifebeforetheirdeparture，achampagnedinner。
"BachmatoffsawmehomeafterthedinnerandwecrossedtheNicolaibridge。Wewerebothalittledrunk。Hetoldmeofhisjoy，thejoyfulfeelingofhavingdoneagoodaction；hesaidthatitwasallthankstomyselfthathecouldfeelthissatisfaction；andheldforthaboutthefoolishnessofthetheorythatindividualcharityisuseless"I，too，wasburningtohavemysay！
"’InMoscow，’Isaid，’therewasanoldstatecounsellor，acivilgeneral，who，allhislife，hadbeeninthehabitofvisitingtheprisonsandspeakingtocriminals。EverypartyofconvictsonitswaytoSiberiaknewbeforehandthatontheVorobeefHillsthe"oldgeneral"wouldpaythemavisit。Hedidallheundertookseriouslyanddevotedly。Hewouldwalkdowntherowsoftheunfortunateprisoners，stopbeforeeachindividualandaskafterhisneeds——heneversermonizedthem；hespokekindlytothem——hegavethemmoney；hebroughtthemallsortsofnecessariesforthejourney，andgavethemdevotionalbooks，choosingthosewhocouldread，underthefirmconvictionthattheywouldreadtothosewhocouldnot，astheywentalong。
"’Hescarcelyevertalkedabouttheparticularcrimesofanyofthem，butlistenedifanyvolunteeredinformationonthatpoint。
Alltheconvictswereequalforhim，andhemadenodistinction。
Hespoketoallastobrothers，andeveryoneofthemlookeduponhimasafather。Whenheobservedamongtheexilessomepoorwomanwithachild，hewouldalwayscomeforwardandfondlethelittleone，andmakeitlaugh。Hecontinuedtheseactsofmercyuptohisverydeath；andbythattimeallthecriminals，alloverRussiaandSiberia，knewhim！
"’AmanIknewwhohadbeentoSiberiaandreturned，toldmethathehimselfhadbeenawitnessofhowtheverymosthardenedcriminalsrememberedtheoldgeneral，though，inpointoffact，hecouldnever，ofcourse，havedistributedmorethanafewpencetoeachmemberofaparty。Theirrecollectionofhimwasnotsentimentalorparticularlydevoted。Somewretch，forinstance，whohadbeenamurderer——cuttingthethroatofadozenfellow-
creatures，forinstance；orstabbingsixlittlechildrenforhisownamusement(therehavebeensuchmen！)——wouldperhaps，withoutrhymeorreason，suddenlygiveasighandsay，"Iwonderwhetherthatoldgeneralisalivestill！"Althoughperhapshehadnotthoughtofmentioninghimforadozenyearsbefore！Howcanonesaywhatseedofgoodmayhavebeendroppedintohissoul，nevertodie？’
"Icontinuedinthatstrainforalongwhile，pointingouttoBachmatoffhowimpossibleitistofollowuptheeffectsofanyisolatedgooddeedonemaydo，inallitsinfluencesandsubtleworkingsupontheheartandafter-actionsofothers。
"’Andtothinkthatyouaretobecutofffromlife！’remarkedBachmatoff，inatoneofreproach，asthoughhewouldliketofindsomeonetopitchintoonmyaccount。
"Wewereleaningoverthebalustradeofthebridge，lookingintotheNevaatthismoment。
"’Doyouknowwhathassuddenlycomeintomyhead？’saidI，suddenly——leaningfurtherandfurtherovertherail。
"’Surelynottothrowyourselfintotheriver？’criedBachmatoffinalarm。Perhapshereadmythoughtinmyface。
"’No，notyet。Atpresentnothingbutthefollowingconsideration。YouseeIhavesometwoorthreemonthsleftmetolive——perhapsfour；well，supposingthatwhenIhavebutamonthortwomore，Itakeafancyforsome"gooddeed"thatneedsbothtroubleandtime，likethisbusinessofourdoctorfriend，forinstance:why，Ishallhavetogiveuptheideaofitandtaketosomethingelse——someLITTLEgooddeed，MOREWITHINMYMEANS，eh？
Isn’tthatanamusingidea！’
"PoorBachmatoffwasmuchimpressed——painfullyso。Hetookmeallthewayhome；notattemptingtoconsoleme，butbehavingwiththegreatestdelicacy。Ontakingleavehepressedmyhandwarmlyandaskedpermissiontocomeandseeme。Irepliedthatifhecametomeasa’comforter，’sotospeak(forhewouldbeinthatcapacitywhetherhespoketomeinasoothingmanneroronlykeptsilence，asIpointedouttohim)，hewouldbutremindmeeachtimeofmyapproachingdeath！Heshruggedhisshoulders，butquiteagreedwithme；andwepartedbetterfriendsthanIhadexpected。
"Butthateveningandthatnightweresownthefirstseedsofmy’lastconviction。’Iseizedgreedilyonmynewidea；Ithirstilydrankinallitsdifferentaspects(Ididnotsleepawinkthatnight！)，andthedeeperIwentintoitthemoremybeingseemedtomergeitselfinit，andthemorealarmedIbecame。Adreadfulterrorcameovermeatlast，anddidnotleavemeallnextday。
"Sometimes，thinkingoverthis，Ibecamequitenumbwiththeterrorofit；andImightwellhavededucedfromthisfact，thatmy’lastconviction’waseatingintomybeingtoofastandtooseriously，andwouldundoubtedlycometoitsclimaxbeforelong。
AndfortheclimaxIneededgreaterdeterminationthanIyetpossessed。
"However，withinthreeweeksmydeterminationwastaken，owingtoaverystrangecircumstance。
"Hereonmypaper，Imakeanoteofallthefiguresanddatesthatcomeintomyexplanation。Ofcourse，itisallthesametome，butjustnow——andperhapsonlyatthismoment——Idesirethatallthosewhoaretojudgeofmyactionshouldseeclearlyoutofhowlogicalasequenceofdeductionshasatlengthproceededmy’lastconviction。’
"Ihavesaidabovethatthedeterminationneededbymefortheaccomplishmentofmyfinalresolve，cametohandnotthroughanysequenceofcauses，butthankstoacertainstrangecircumstancewhichhadperhapsnoconnectionwhateverwiththematteratissue。TendaysagoRogojincalleduponmeaboutcertainbusinessofhisownwithwhichIhavenothingtodoatpresent。IhadneverseenRogojinbefore，buthadoftenheardabouthim。
"Igavehimalltheinformationheneeded，andheverysoontookhisdeparture；sothat，sinceheonlycameforthepurposeofgainingtheinformation，themattermighthavebeenexpectedtoendthere。
"Butheinterestedmetoomuch，andallthatdayIwasundertheinfluenceofstrangethoughtsconnectedwithhim，andI
determinedtoreturnhisvisitthenextday。
"Rogojinwasevidentlybynomeanspleasedtoseeme，andhinted，delicately，thathesawnoreasonwhyouracquaintanceshouldcontinue。Forallthat，however，Ispentaveryinterestinghour，andso，Idaresay，didhe。TherewassogreatacontrastbetweenusthatIamsurewemustbothhavefeltit；anyhow，Ifeltitacutely。HerewasI，withmydaysnumbered，andhe，amaninthefullvigouroflife，livinginthepresent，withouttheslightestthoughtfor’finalconvictions，’ornumbers，ordays，or，infact，foranythingbutthatwhich-which——well，whichhewasmadabout，ifhewillexcusemetheexpression——asafeebleauthorwhocannotexpresshisideasproperly。
"Inspiteofhislackofamiability，Icouldnothelpseeing，inRogojinamanofintellectandsense；andalthough，perhaps，therewaslittleintheoutsideworldwhichwasof。interesttohim，stillhewasclearlyamanwitheyestosee。
"Ihintednothingtohimaboutmy’finalconviction，’butitappearedtomethathehadguesseditfrommywords。Heremainedsilent——heisaterriblysilentman。Iremarkedtohim，asIrosetodepart，that，inspiteofthecontrastandthewidedifferencesbetweenustwo，lesextremitessetouchent(’extremesmeet，’asIexplainedtohiminRussian)；sothatmaybehewasnotsofarfrommyfinalconvictionasappeared。
"Hisonlyreplytothiswasasourgrimace。Heroseandlookedformycap，andplaceditinmyhand，andledmeoutofthehouse——thatdreadfulgloomyhouseofhis——toallappearances，ofcourse，asthoughIwereleavingofmyownaccord，andheweresimplyseeingmetothedooroutofpoliteness。Hishouseimpressedmemuch；itislikeaburial-ground，heseemstolikeit，whichis，however，quitenatural。Suchafulllifeasheleadsissooverflowingwithabsorbingintereststhathehaslittleneedofassistancefromhissurroundings。
"ThevisittoRogojinexhaustedmeterribly。Besides，Ihadfeltillsincethemorning；andbyeveningIwassoweakthatItooktomybed，andwasinhighfeveratintervals，andevendelirious。Coliasatwithmeuntileleveno’clock。
"YetIrememberallhetalkedabout，andeverywordwesaid，thoughwhenevermyeyesclosedforamomentIcouldpicturenothingbuttheimageofSurikoffjustintheactoffindingamillionroubles。Hecouldnotmakeuphismindwhattodowiththemoney，andtorehishairoverit。Hetrembledwithfearthatsomebodywouldrobhim，andatlasthedecidedtoburyitintheground。Ipersuadedhimthat，insteadofputtingitallawayuselesslyunderground，hehadbettermeltitdownandmakeagoldencoffinoutofitforhisstarvedchild，andthendigupthelittleoneandputherintothegoldencoffin。Surikoffacceptedthissuggestion，Ithought，withtearsofgratitude，andimmediatelycommencedtocarryoutmydesign。
"IthoughtIspatonthegroundandlefthimindisgust。Coliatoldme，whenIquiterecoveredmysenses，thatIhadnotbeenasleepforamoment，butthatIhadspokentohimaboutSurikoffthewholewhile。
"AtmomentsIwasinastateofdreadfulweaknessandmisery，sothatColiawasgreatlydisturbedwhenheleftme。
"WhenIarosetolockthedoorafterhim，IsuddenlycalledtomindapictureIhadnoticedatRogojin’sinoneofhisgloomiestrooms，overthedoor。Hehadpointeditouttomehimselfaswewalkedpastit，andIbelieveImusthavestoodagoodfiveminutesinfrontofit。Therewasnothingartisticaboutit，butthepicturemademefeelstrangelyuncomfortable。ItrepresentedChristjusttakendownfromthecross。ItseemstomethatpaintersasarulerepresenttheSaviour，bothonthecrossandtakendownfromit，withgreatbeautystilluponHisface。ThismarvellousbeautytheystrivetopreserveeveninHismomentsofdeepestagonyandpassion。ButtherewasnosuchbeautyinRogojin’spicture。Thiswasthepresentmentofapoormangledbodywhichhadevidentlysufferedunbearableanguishevenbeforeitscrucifixion，fullofwoundsandbruises，marksoftheviolenceofsoldiersandpeople，andofthebitternessofthemomentwhenHehadfallenwiththecross——allthiscombinedwiththeanguishoftheactualcrucifixion。
"Thefacewasdepictedasthoughstillsuffering；asthoughthebody，onlyjustdead，wasstillalmostquiveringwithagony。Thepicturewasoneofpurenature，forthefacewasnotbeautifiedbytheartist，butwasleftasitwouldnaturallybe，whosoeverthesufferer，aftersuchanguish。
"IknowthattheearliestChristianfaithtaughtthattheSavioursufferedactuallyandnotfiguratively，andthatnaturewasallowedherownwayevenwhileHisbodywasonthecross。
"ItisstrangetolookonthisdreadfulpictureofthemangledcorpseoftheSaviour，andtoputthisquestiontooneself:
’Supposingthatthedisciples，thefutureapostles，thewomenwhohadfollowedHimandstoodbythecross，allofwhombelievedinandworshippedHim——supposingthattheysawthistorturedbody，thisfacesomangledandbleedingandbruised(andtheyMUSThavesoseenit)——howcouldtheyhavegazeduponthedreadfulsightandyethavebelievedthatHewouldriseagain？’
"Thethoughtstepsin，whetheronelikesitorno，thatdeathissoterribleandsopowerful，thatevenHewhoconquereditinHismiraclesduringlifewasunabletotriumphoveritatthelast。
HewhocalledtoLazarus，’Lazarus，comeforth！’andthedeadmanlived——HewasnowHimselfapreytonatureanddeath。Natureappearstoone，lookingatthispicture，assomehuge，implacable，dumbmonster；orstillbetter——astrangersimile——someenormousmechanicalengineofmoderndayswhichhasseizedandcrushedandswallowedupagreatandinvaluableBeing，aBeingworthnatureandallherlaws，worththewholeearth，whichwasperhapscreatedmerelyforthesakeoftheadventofthatBeing。
"Thisblind，dumb，implacable，eternal，unreasoningforceiswellshowninthepicture，andtheabsolutesubordinationofallmenandthingstoitissowellexpressedthattheideaunconsciouslyarisesinthemindofanyonewholooksatit。Allthosefaithfulpeoplewhoweregazingatthecrossanditsmutilatedoccupantmusthavesufferedagonyofmindthatevening；fortheymusthavefeltthatalltheirhopesandalmostalltheirfaithhadbeenshatteredatablow。Theymusthaveseparatedinterroranddreadthatnight，thougheachperhapscarriedawaywithhimonegreatthoughtwhichwasnevereradicatedfromhismindforeverafterwards。IfthisgreatTeacheroftheirscouldhaveseenHimselfaftertheCrucifixion，howcouldHehaveconsentedtomounttheCrossandtodieasHedid？Thisthoughtalsocomesintothemindofthemanwhogazesatthispicture。Ithoughtofallthisbysnatchesprobablybetweenmyattacksofdelirium——foranhourandahalforsobeforeColia’sdeparture。
"Cantherebeanappearanceofthatwhichhasnoform？Andyetitseemedtome，atcertainmoments，thatIbeheldinsomestrangeandimpossibleform，thatdark，dumb，irresistiblypowerful，eternalforce。
"Ithoughtsomeoneledmebythehandandshowedme，bythelightofacandle，ahuge，loathsomeinsect，whichheassuredmewasthatveryforce，thatveryalmighty，dumb，irresistiblePower，andlaughedattheindignationwithwhichIreceivedthisinformation。Inmyroomtheyalwayslightthelittlelampbeforemyiconforthenight；itgivesafeebleflickeroflight，butitisstrongenoughtoseebydimly，andifyousitjustunderityoucanevenreadbyit。Ithinkitwasabouttwelveoralittlepastthatnight。Ihadnotsleptawink，andwaslyingwithmyeyeswideopen，whensuddenlythedooropened，andincameRogojin。
"Heentered，andshutthedoorbehindhim。Thenhesilentlygazedatmeandwentquicklytothecorneroftheroomwherethelampwasburningandsatdownunderneathit。
"Iwasmuchsurprised，andlookedathimexpectantly。
"Rogojinonlyleanedhiselbowonthetableandsilentlystaredatme。Sopassedtwoorthreeminutes，andIrecollectthathissilencehurtandoffendedmeverymuch。Whydidhenotspeak？
"Thathisarrivalatthistimeofnightstruckmeasmoreorlessstrangemaypossiblybethecase；butIrememberIwasbynomeansamazedatit。Onthecontrary，thoughIhadnotactuallytoldhimmythoughtinthemorning，yetIknowheunderstoodit；
andthisthoughtwasofsuchacharacterthatitwouldnotbeanythingveryremarkable，ifoneweretocomeforfurthertalkaboutitatanyhourofnight，howeverlate。
"Ithoughthemusthavecomeforthispurpose。
"Inthemorningwehadpartednotthebestoffriends；Irememberhelookedatmewithdisagreeablesarcasmonceortwice；andthissamelookIobservedinhiseyesnow——whichwasthecauseoftheannoyanceIfelt。
"IdidnotforamomentsuspectthatIwasdeliriousandthatthisRogojinwasbuttheresultoffeverandexcitement。Ihadnottheslightestideaofsuchatheoryatfirst。
"Meanwhilehecontinuedtositandstarejeeringlyatme。
"IangrilyturnedroundinbedandmadeupmymindthatIwouldnotsayawordunlesshedid；soIrestedsilentlyonmypillowdeterminedtoremaindumb，ifitweretolasttillmorning。I
feltresolvedthatheshouldspeakfirst。Probablytwentyminutesorsopassedinthisway。Suddenlytheideastruckme——whatifthisisanapparitionandnotRogojinhimself？
"NeitherduringmyillnessnoratanyprevioustimehadIeverseenanapparition；——butIhadalwaysthought，bothwhenIwasalittleboy，andevennow，thatifIweretoseeoneIshoulddieonthespot——thoughIdon’tbelieveinghosts。AndyetNOW，whentheideastruckmethatthiswasaghostandnotRogojinatall，Iwasnotintheleastalarmed。Nay——thethoughtactuallyirritatedme。Strangelyenough，thedecisionofthequestionastowhetherthiswereaghostorRogojindidnot，forsomereasonorother，interestmenearlysomuchasitoughttohavedone；——I
thinkIbegantomuseaboutsomethingaltogetherdifferent。Forinstance，IbegantowonderwhyRogojin，whohadbeenindressing——gownandslipperswhenIsawhimathome，hadnowputonadress-coatandwhitewaistcoatandtie？Ialsothoughttomyself，Iremember——’ifthisisaghost，andIamnotafraidofit，whydon’tIapproachitandverifymysuspicions？PerhapsI
amafraid——’Andnosoonerdidthislastideaentermyheadthananicyblastblewoverme；Ifeltachilldownmybackboneandmykneesshook。
"Atthisverymoment，asthoughdiviningmythoughts，Rogojinraisedhisheadfromhisarmandbegantoparthislipsasthoughheweregoingtolaugh——buthecontinuedtostareatmeaspersistentlyasbefore。
"IfeltsofuriouswithhimatthismomentthatIlongedtorushathim；butasIhadswornthatheshouldspeakfirst，I
continuedtoliestill——andthemorewillingly，asIwasstillbynomeanssatisfiedastowhetheritreallywasRogojinornot。
"Icannotrememberhowlongthislasted；Icannotrecollect，either，whetherconsciousnessforsookmeatintervals，ornot。
ButatlastRogojinrose，staringatmeasintentlyasever，butnotsmilinganylonger，——andwalkingverysoftly，almostontip-
toes，tothedoor，heopenedit，wentout，andshutitbehindhim。
"Ididnotrisefrommybed，andIdon’tknowhowlongIlaywithmyeyesopen，thinking。Idon’tknowwhatIthoughtabout，norhowIfellasleeporbecameinsensible；butIawokenextmorningafternineo’clockwhentheyknockedatmydoor。MygeneralordersarethatifIdon’topenthedoorandcall，bynineo’clock，Matreonaistocomeandbringmytea。WhenInowopenedthedoortoher，thethoughtsuddenlystruckme——howcouldhehavecomein，sincethedoorwaslocked？ImadeinquiriesandfoundthatRogojinhimselfcouldnotpossiblyhavecomein，becauseallourdoorswerelockedforthenight。
"Well，thisstrangecircumstance——whichIhavedescribedwithsomuchdetail——wastheultimatecausewhichledmetotakingmyfinaldetermination。Sothatnologic，orlogicaldeductions，hadanythingtodowithmyresolve；——itwassimplyamatterofdisgust。
"Itwasimpossibleformetogoonlivingwhenlifewasfullofsuchdetestable，strange，tormentingforms。Thisghosthadhumiliatedme；——norcouldIbeartobesubordinatetothatdark，horribleforcewhichwasembodiedintheformoftheloathsomeinsect。Itwasonlytowardsevening，whenIhadquitemadeupmymindonthispoint，thatIbegantofeeleasier。
VII。
"IHADasmallpocketpistol。Ihadprocureditwhilestillaboy，atthatdrollagewhenthestoriesofduelsandhighwaymenbegintodelightone，andwhenoneimaginesoneselfnoblystandingfireatsomefutureday，inaduel。
"Therewereacoupleofoldbulletsinthebagwhichcontainedthepistol，andpowderenoughinanoldflaskfortwoorthreecharges。
"Thepistolwasawretchedthing，verycrookedandwouldn’tcarryfartherthanfifteenpacesatthemost。However，itwouldsendyourskullflyingwellenoughifyoupressedthemuzzleofitagainstyourtemple。
"IdeterminedtodieatPavlofskatsunrise，inthepark——soastomakenocommotioninthehouse。
"This’explanation’willmakethematterclearenoughtothepolice。Studentsofpsychology，andanyoneelsewholikes，maymakewhattheypleaseofit。Ishouldnotlikethispaper，however，tobemadepublic。Irequesttheprincetokeepacopyhimself，andtogiveacopytoAglayaIvanovnaEpanchin。Thisismylastwillandtestament。Asformyskeleton，IbequeathittotheMedicalAcademyforthebenefitofscience。
"Irecognizenojurisdictionovermyself，andIknowthatIamnowbeyondthepoweroflawsandjudges。
"Alittlewhileagoaveryamusingideastruckme。WhatifIwerenowtocommitsometerriblecrime——murdertenfellow-creatures，forinstance，oranythingelsethatisthoughtmostshockinganddreadfulinthisworld——whatadilemmamyjudgeswouldbein，withacriminalwhoonlyhasafortnighttoliveinanycase，nowthattherackandotherformsoftortureareabolished！Why，I
shoulddiecomfortablyintheirownhospital——inawarm，cleanroom，withanattentivedoctor——probablymuchmorecomfortablythanIshouldathome。
"Idon’tunderstandwhypeopleinmypositiondonotoftenerindulgeinsuchideas——ifonlyforajoke！Perhapstheydo！Whoknows！Thereareplentyofmerrysoulsamongus！
"ButthoughIdonotrecognizeanyjurisdictionovermyself，stillIknowthatIshallbejudged，whenIamnothingbutavoicelesslumpofclay；thereforeIdonotwishtogobeforeI
haveleftawordofreply——thereplyofafreeman——notoneforcedtojustifyhimself——ohno！Ihavenoneedtoaskforgivenessofanyone。IwishtosayawordmerelybecauseI
happentodesireitofmyownfreewill。
"Here，inthefirstplace，comesastrangethought！
"Who，inthenameofwhatLaw，wouldthinkofdisputingmyfullpersonalrightoverthefortnightoflifelefttome？Whatjurisdictioncanbebroughttobearuponthecase？Whowouldwishme，notonlytobesentenced，buttoendurethesentencetotheend？Surelythereexistsnomanwhowouldwishsuchathing——whyshouldanyonedesireit？Forthesakeofmorality？Well，IcanunderstandthatifIweretomakeanattemptuponmyownlifewhileintheenjoymentoffullhealthandvigour——mylifewhichmighthavebeen’useful，’etc。，etc——moralitymightreproachme，accordingtotheoldroutine，fordisposingofmylifewithoutpermission——orwhateveritstenetmaybe。Butnow，NOW，whenmysentenceisoutandmydaysnumbered！Howcanmoralityhaveneedofmylastbreaths，andwhyshouldIdielisteningtotheconsolationsofferedbytheprince，who，withoutdoubt，wouldnotomittodemonstratethatdeathisactuallyabenefactortome？
(Christianslikehimalwaysendupwiththat——itistheirpettheory。)Andwhatdotheywantwiththeirridiculous’Pavlofsktrees’？Tosweetenmylasthours？CannottheyunderstandthatthemoreIforgetmyself，themoreIletmyselfbecomeattachedtotheselastillusionsoflifeandlove，bymeansofwhichtheytrytohidefrommeMeyer’swall，andallthatissoplainlywrittenonit——themoreunhappytheymakeme？Whatistheuseofallyournaturetome——allyourparksandtrees，yoursunsetsandsunrises，yourblueskiesandyourself-satisfiedfaces——whenallthiswealthofbeautyandhappinessbeginswiththefactthatitaccountsme——onlyme——onetoomany！Whatisthegoodofallthisbeautyandglorytome，wheneverysecond，everymoment，Icannotbutbeawarethatthislittleflywhichbuzzesaroundmyheadinthesun’srays——eventhislittleflyisasharerandparticipatorinallthegloryoftheuniverse，andknowsitsplaceandishappyinit；——whileI——onlyI，amanoutcast，andhavebeenblindtothefacthitherto，thankstomysimplicity！Oh！Iknowwellhowtheprinceandotherswouldlikeme，insteadofindulginginallthesewickedwordsofmyown，tosing，tothegloryandtriumphofmorality，thatwell-knownverseofGilbert’s:
"’0，puissentvoirlongtempsvotrebeautesacreeTantd’amis，sourdsamesadieux！
Qu’ilsmeurentpleinsdejours，queleurmortsoitpleuree，Qu’unamileurfermelesyeux！’
"Butbelieveme，believeme，mysimple-heartedfriends，thatinthishighlymoralverse，inthisacademicalblessingtotheworldingeneralintheFrenchlanguage，ishiddentheintensestgallandbitterness；butsowellconcealedisthevenom，thatIdaresaythepoetactuallypersuadedhimselfthathiswordswerefullofthetearsofpardonandpeace，insteadofthebitternessofdisappointmentandmalice，andsodiedinthedelusion。
"Doyouknowthereisalimitofignominy，beyondwhichman’sconsciousnessofshamecannotgo，andafterwhichbeginssatisfactioninshame？Well，ofcoursehumilityisagreatforceinthatsense，Iadmitthat——thoughnotinthesenseinwhichreligionaccountshumilitytobestrength！
"Religion！——Iadmiteternallife——andperhapsIalwaysdidadmitit。
"AdmittedthatconsciousnessiscalledintoexistencebythewillofaHigherPower；admittedthatthisconsciousnesslooksoutupontheworldandsays’Iam；’andadmittedthattheHigherPowerwillsthattheconsciousnesssocalledintoexistence，besuddenlyextinguished(forso——forsomeunexplainedreason——itisandmustbe)——stilltherecomestheeternalquestion——whymustI
behumblethroughallthis？IsitnotenoughthatIamdevoured，withoutmybeingexpectedtoblessthepowerthatdevoursme？
Surely——surelyIneednotsupposethatSomebody——there——willbeoffendedbecauseIdonotwishtoliveoutthefortnightallowedme？Idon’tbelieveit。
"Itismuchsimpler，andfarmorelikely，tobelievethatmydeathisneeded——thedeathofaninsignificantatom——inordertofulfilthegeneralharmonyoftheuniverse——inordertomakeevensomeplusorminusinthesumofexistence。Justaseverydaythedeathofnumbersofbeingsisnecessarybecausewithouttheirannihilationtherestcannotliveon——(althoughwemustadmitthattheideaisnotaparticularlygrandoneinitself！)
"However——admitthefact！Admitthatwithoutsuchperpetualdevouringofoneanothertheworldcannotcontinuetoexist，orcouldneverhavebeenorganized——IameverreadytoconfessthatIcannotunderstandwhythisisso——butI’lltellyouwhatIDO
know，forcertain。IfIhaveoncebeengiventounderstandandrealizethatIAM——whatdoesitmattertomethattheworldisorganizedonasystemfulloferrorsandthatotherwiseitcannotbeorganizedatall？Whowillorcanjudgemeafterthis？Saywhatyoulike——thethingisimpossibleandunjust！
"AndmeanwhileIhaveneverbeenable，inspiteofmygreatdesiretodoso，topersuademyselfthatthereisnofutureexistence，andnoProvidence。
"ThefactofthematteristhatallthisDOESexist，butthatweknowabsolutelynothingaboutthefuturelifeanditslaws！
"Butitissodifficult，andevenimpossibletounderstand，thatsurelyIamnottobeblamedbecauseIcouldnotfathomtheincomprehensible？
"OfcourseIknowtheysaythatonemustbeobedient，andofcourse，too，theprinceisoneofthosewhosayso:thatonemustbeobedientwithoutquestions，outofpuregoodnessofheart，andthatformyworthyconductinthismatterIshallmeetwithrewardinanotherworld。WedegradeGodwhenweattributeourownideastoHim，outofannoyancethatwecannotfathomHisways。
"Again，Irepeat，IcannotbeblamedbecauseIamunabletounderstandthatwhichitisnotgiventomankindtofathom。WhyamItobejudgedbecauseIcouldnotcomprehendtheWillandLawsofProvidence？No，wehadbetterdropreligion。
"Andenoughofthis。BythetimeIhavegotsofarinthereadingofmydocumentthesunwillbeupandthehugeforceofhisrayswillbeactinguponthelivingworld。Sobeit。IshalldiegazingstraightatthegreatFountainoflifeandpower；Idonotwantthislife！
"IfIhadhadthepowertopreventmyownbirthIshouldcertainlyneverhaveconsentedtoacceptexistenceundersuchridiculousconditions。However，Ihavethepowertoendmyexistence，althoughIdobutgivebackdaysthatarealreadynumbered。Itisaninsignificantgift，andmyrevoltisequallyinsignificant。
"Finalexplanation:Idie，notintheleastbecauseIamunabletosupportthesenextthreeweeks。Ohno，Ishouldfindstrengthenough，andifIwisheditIcouldobtainconsolationfromthethoughtoftheinjurythatisdoneme。ButIamnotaFrenchpoet，andIdonotdesiresuchconsolation。Andfinally，naturehassolimitedmycapacityforworkoractivityofanykind，inallottingmebutthreeweeksoftime，thatsuicideisabouttheonlythingleftthatIcanbeginandendinthetimeofmyownfreewill。
"PerhapsthenIamanxioustotakeadvantageofmylastchanceofdoingsomethingformyself。Aprotestissometimesnosmallthing。"
Theexplanationwasfinished；Hippolytepausedatlast。
Thereis，inextremecases，afinalstageofcynicalcandourwhenanervousman，excited，andbesidehimselfwithemotion，willbeafraidofnothingandreadyforanysortofscandal，nay，gladofit。Theextraordinary，almostunnatural，tensionofthenerveswhichupheldHippolyteuptothispoint，hadnowarrivedatthisfinalstage。Thispoorfeebleboyofeighteen——exhaustedbydisease——lookedforalltheworldasweakandfrailasaleaflettornfromitsparenttreeandtremblinginthebreeze；butnosoonerhadhiseyesweptoverhisaudience，forthefirsttimeduringthewholeofthelasthour，thanthemostcontemptuous，themosthaughtyexpressionofrepugnancelighteduphisface。Hedefiedthemall，asitwere。Buthishearerswereindignant，too；
theyrosetotheirfeetwithannoyance。Fatigue，thewineconsumed，thestrainoflisteningsolong，alladdedtothedisagreeableimpressionwhichthereadinghadmadeuponthem。
SuddenlyHippolytejumpedupasthoughhehadbeenshot。
"Thesunisrising，"hecried，seeingthegildedtopsofthetrees，andpointingtothemastoamiracle。"See，itisrisingnow！"
"Well，whatthen？Didyousupposeitwasn’tgoingtorise？"askedFerdishenko。
"It’sgoingtobeatrociouslyhotagainallday，"saidGania，withanairofannoyance，takinghishat。"Amonthofthis……Areyoucominghome，Ptitsin？"Hippolytelistenedtothisinamazement，almostamountingtostupefaction。Suddenlyhebecamedeadlypaleandshuddered。
"Youmanageyourcomposuretooawkwardly。Iseeyouwishtoinsultme，"hecriedtoGania。"You——youareacur！"HelookedatGaniawithanexpressionofmalice。
"Whatonearthisthematterwiththeboy？Whatphenomenalfeeble-mindedness！"exclaimedFerdishenko。
"Oh，he’ssimplyafool，"saidGania。
Hippolytebracedhimselfupalittle。
"Iunderstand，gentlemen，"hebegan，tremblingasbefore，andstumblingovereveryword，"thatIhavedeservedyourresentment，and——andamsorrythatIshouldhavetroubledyouwiththisravingnonsense"(pointingtohisarticle)，"orrather，IamsorrythatIhavenottroubledyouenough。"Hesmiledfeebly。"HaveI
troubledyou，EvgeniePavlovitch？"HesuddenlyturnedonEvgeniewiththisquestion。"Tellmenow，haveItroubledyouornot？"
"Well，itwasalittledrawnout，perhaps；but——"
"Come，speakout！Don’tlie，foronceinyourlife——speakout！"
continuedHippolyte，quiveringwithagitation。
"Oh，mygoodsir，Iassureyouit’sentirelythesametome。
Pleaseleavemeinpeace，"saidEvgenie，angrily，turninghisbackonhim。
"Good-night，prince，"saidPtitsin，approachinghishost。
"Whatareyouthinkingof？Don’tgo，he’llblowhisbrainsoutinaminute！"criedVeraLebedeff，rushinguptoHippolyteandcatchingholdofhishandsinatormentofalarm。"Whatareyouthinkingof？Hesaidhewouldblowhisbrainsoutatsunrise。"
"Oh，hewon’tshoothimself！"criedseveralvoices，sarcastically。
"Gentlemen，you’dbetterlookout，"criedColia，alsoseizingHippolytebythehand。"Justlookathim！Prince，whatareyouthinkingof？"VeraandColia，andKeller，andBurdovskywereallcrowdingroundHippolytenowandholdinghimdown。
"Hehastheright——theright——"-murmuredBurdovsky。"Excuseme，prince，butwhatareyourarrangements？"askedLebedeff，tipsyandexasperated，goinguptoMuishkin。
"Whatdoyoumeanby’arrangements’？"
"No，no，excuseme！I’mmasterofthishouse，thoughIdonotwishtolackrespecttowardsyou。Youaremasterofthehousetoo，inaway；butIcan’tallowthissortofthing——"
"Hewon’tshoothimself；theboyisonlyplayingthefool，"saidGeneralIvolgin，suddenlyandunexpectedly，withindignation。
"Iknowhewon’t，Iknowhewon’t，general；butI——I’mmasterhere！"
"Listen，Mr。Terentieff，"saidPtitsin，whohadbiddentheprincegood-night，andwasnowholdingouthishandtoHippolyte；"I
thinkyouremarkinthatmanuscriptofyours，thatyoubequeathyourskeletontotheAcademy。Areyoureferringtoyourownskeleton——Imean，yourverybones？"
"Yes，mybones，I——"
"Quiteso，Isee；because，youknow，littlemistakeshaveoccurrednowandthen。Therewasacase——"