第1章

AUGUSTINE’STESTIMONYCONCERNINGTHECONFESSIONS

I。THERetractations，II，6(A。D。427)

1。MyConfessions，inthirteenbooks，praisetherighteousandgoodGodastheyspeakeitherofmyevilorgood，andtheyaremeanttoexcitemen’smindsandaffectionstowardhim。AtleastasfarasIamconcerned，thisiswhattheydidformewhentheywerebeingwrittenandtheystilldothiswhenread。Whatsomepeoplethinkofthemistheirownaffair[ipseviderint]；butI

doknowthattheyhavegivenpleasuretomanyofmybrethrenandstilldoso。Thefirstthroughthetenthbookswerewrittenaboutmyself；theotherthreeaboutHolyScripture，fromwhatiswrittenthere，InthebeginningGodcreatedtheheavenandtheearth，[2]

evenasfarasthereferencetotheSabbathrest。[3]

2。InBookIV，whenIconfessedmysoul’smiseryoverthedeathofafriendandsaidthatoursoulhadsomehowbeenmadeoneoutoftwosouls，”ButitmayhavebeenthatIwasafraidtodie，lestheshouldthendiewhollywhomIhadsogreatlyloved”(Ch。

VI，11)——thisnowseemstobemoreatrivialdeclamationthanaseriousconfession，althoughthisineptexpressionmaybetemperedsomewhatbythe”mayhavebeen”[forte]whichIadded。AndinBookXIIIwhatIsaid——”Thefirmamentwasmadebetweenthehigherwaters(andsuperior)andthelower(andinferior)waters”——

wassaidwithoutsufficientthought。Inanycase，thematterisveryobscure。

Thisworkbeginsthus:”Greatartthou，OLord。”

II。DeDonoPerseverantiae，XX，53(A。D。428)

Whichofmyshorterworkshasbeenmorewidelyknownorgivengreaterpleasurethanthe[thirteen]booksofmyConfessions？

And，althoughIpublishedthemlongbeforethePelagianheresyhadevenbeguntobe，itisplainthatinthemIsaidtomyGod，againandagain，”Givewhatthoucommandestandcommandwhatthouwilt。”

WhenthesewordsofminewererepeatedinPelagius’presenceatRomebyacertainbrotherofmine(anepiscopalcolleague)，hecouldnotbearthemandcontradictedhimsoexcitedlythattheynearlycametoaquarrel。Nowwhat，indeed，doesGodcommand，firstandforemost，exceptthatwebelieveinhim？Thisfaith，therefore，hehimselfgives；sothatitiswellsaidtohim，”Givewhatthoucommandest。”Moreover，inthosesamebooks，concerningmyaccountofmyconversionwhenGodturnedmetothatfaithwhichIwaslayingwastewithaverywretchedandwildverbalassault，[4

]doyounotrememberhowthenarrationshowsthatIwasgivenasagifttothefaithfulanddailytearsofmymother，whohadbeenpromisedthatIshouldnotperish？IcertainlydeclaredtherethatGodbyhisgraceturnsmen’swillstothetruefaithwhentheyarenotonlyaversetoit，butactuallyadverse。AsfortheotherwaysinwhichIsoughtGod’saidinmygrowthinperseverance，youeitherknoworcanreviewthemasyouwish(PL，45，c。1025)。

III。LettertoDarius(A。D。429)

Thus，myson，takethebooksofmyConfessionsandusethemasagoodmanshould——notsuperficially，butasaChristianinChristiancharity。HereseemeasIamanddonotpraisemeformorethanIam。Herebelievenothingelseaboutmethanmyowntestimony。HereobservewhatIhavebeeninmyselfandthroughmyself。Andifsomethinginmepleasesyou，herepraiseHimwithme——himwhomIdesiretobepraisedonmyaccountandnotmyself。”Foritishethathathmadeusandnotweourselves。”[5]

Indeed，wewereourselvesquitelost；buthewhomadeus，remadeus[sedquifecit，refecit]。As，then，youfindmeinthesepages，prayformethatIshallnotfailbutthatImaygoontobeperfected。Prayforme，myson，prayforme！(Epist。CCXXXI，PL，33，c。1025)。

TheConfessionsofSaintAugustineBOOKONE

InGod’ssearchingpresence，Augustineundertakestoplumbthedepthsofhismemorytotracethemysteriouspilgrimageofgracewhichhislifehasbeen——andtopraiseGodforhisconstantandomnipotentgrace。Inamoodofsustainedprayer，herecallswhathecanofhisinfancy，hislearningtospeak，andhischildhoodexperiencesinschool。HeconcludeswithapaeanofgratefulpraisetoGod。

CHAPTERI

1。”Greatartthou，OLord，andgreatlytobepraised；greatisthypower，andinfiniteisthywisdom。”[6]Andmandesirestopraisethee，forheisapartofthycreation；hebearshismortalityaboutwithhimandcarriestheevidenceofhissinandtheproofthatthoudostresisttheproud。Stillhedesirestopraisethee，thismanwhoisonlyasmallpartofthycreation。

Thouhastpromptedhim，thatheshoulddelighttopraisethee，forthouhastmadeusforthyselfandrestlessisourheartuntilitcomestorestinthee。Grantme，OLord，toknowandunderstandwhetherfirsttoinvoketheeortopraisethee；whetherfirsttoknowtheeorcalluponthee。Butwhocaninvokethee，knowingtheenot？Forhewhoknowstheenotmayinvoketheeasanotherthanthouart。Itmaybethatweshouldinvoketheeinorderthatwemaycometoknowthee。But”howshalltheycallonhiminwhomtheyhavenotbelieved？Orhowshalltheybelievewithoutapreacher？”[7]Now，”theyshallpraisetheLordwhoseekhim，”[8]

for”thosewhoseekshallfindhim，”[9]and，findinghim，shallpraisehim。Iwillseekthee，OLord，andcalluponthee。Icalluponthee，OLord，inmyfaithwhichthouhastgivenme，whichthouhastinspiredinmethroughthehumanityofthySon，andthroughtheministryofthypreacher。[10]

CHAPTERII

2。AndhowshallIcalluponmyGod——myGodandmyLord？

ForwhenIcallonhimIaskhimtocomeintome。AndwhatplaceisthereinmeintowhichmyGodcancome？HowcouldGod，theGodwhomadebothheavenandearth，comeintome？Isthereanythinginme，OLordmyGod，thatcancontainthee？Doeventheheavenandtheearth，whichthouhastmade，andinwhichthoudidstmakeme，containthee？Isitpossiblethat，sincewithouttheenothingwouldbewhichdoesexist，thoudidstmakeitsothatwhateverexistshassomecapacitytoreceivethee？Why，then，doIasktheetocomeintome，sinceIalsoamandcouldnotbeifthouwertnotinme？ForIamnot，afterall，inhell——andyetthouarttheretoo，for”ifIgodownintohell，thouartthere。”[11]

ThereforeIwouldnotexist——Iwouldsimplynotbeatall——

unlessIexistinthee，fromwhomandbywhomandinwhomallthingsare。Evenso，Lord；evenso。WheredoIcalltheeto，whenIamalreadyinthee？Orfromwhencewouldstthoucomeintome？Where，beyondheavenandearth，couldIgothattheremyGodmightcometome——hewhohathsaid，”Ifillheavenandearth”？[12]

CHAPTERIII

3。Since，then，thoudostfilltheheavenandearth，dotheycontainthee？Or，dostthoufillandoverflowthem，becausetheycannotcontainthee？Andwheredostthoupouroutwhatremainsoftheeafterheavenandeartharefull？Or，indeed，istherenoneedthatthou，whodostcontainallthings，shouldstbecontainedbyany，sincethosethingswhichthoudostfillthoufillestbycontainingthem？Forthevesselswhichthoudostfilldonotconfinethee，sinceeveniftheywerebroken，thouwouldstnotbepouredout。And，whenthouartpouredoutonus，thouartnottherebybroughtdown；rather，weareuplifted。Thouartnotscattered；rather，thoudostgatherustogether。Butwhenthoudostfillallthings，dostthoufillthemwiththywholebeing？

Or，sincenotevenallthingstogethercouldcontaintheealtogether，doesanyonethingcontainasinglepart，anddoallthingscontainthatsamepartatthesametime？Dosingularscontaintheesingly？Dogreaterthingscontainmoreofthee，andsmallerthingsless？Or，isitnotratherthatthouartwhollypresenteverywhere，yetinsuchawaythatnothingcontainstheewholly？

CHAPTERIV

4。What，therefore，ismyGod？What，Iask，buttheLordGod？”ForwhoisLordbuttheLordhimself，orwhoisGodbesidesourGod？”[13]Mosthigh，mostexcellent，mostpotent，mostomnipotent；mostmercifulandmostjust；mostsecretandmosttrulypresent；mostbeautifulandmoststrong；stable，yetnotsupported；unchangeable，yetchangingallthings；nevernew，neverold；makingallthingsnew，yetbringingoldageupontheproud，andtheyknowitnot；alwaysworking，everatrest；gathering，yetneedingnothing；sustaining，pervading，andprotecting；creating，nourishing，anddeveloping；seeking，andyetpossessingallthings。Thoudostlove，butwithoutpassion；artjealous，yetfreefromcare；dostrepentwithoutremorse；artangry，yetremainestserene。Thouchangestthyways，leavingthyplansunchanged；thourecoverestwhatthouhastneverreallylost。Thouartneverinneedbutstillthoudostrejoiceatthygains；artnevergreedy，yetdemandestdividends。Menpaymorethanisrequiredsothatthoudostbecomeadebtor；yetwhocanpossessanythingatallwhichisnotalreadythine？Thouowestmennothing，yetpayestouttothemasifindebttothycreature，andwhenthoudostcanceldebtsthoulosestnothingthereby。Yet，O

myGod，mylife，myholyJoy，whatisthisthatIhavesaid？Whatcananymansaywhenhespeaksofthee？Butwoetothemthatkeepsilence——sinceeventhosewhosaymostaredumb。

CHAPTERV

5。Whoshallbringmetorestinthee？WhowillsendtheeintomyheartsotooverwhelmitthatmysinsshallbeblottedoutandImayembracethee，myonlygood？Whatartthoutome？HavemercythatImayspeak。WhatamItotheethatthoushouldstcommandmetolovethee，andifIdoitnot，artangryandthreatenestvastmisery？Isit，then，atriflingsorrownottolovethee？Itisnotsotome。Tellme，bythymercy，OLord，myGod，whatthouarttome。”Saytomysoul，Iamyoursalvation。”[14]SospeakthatImayhear。Behold，theearsofmyheartarebeforethee，OLord；openthemand”saytomysoul，Iamyoursalvation。”Iwillhastenafterthatvoice，andIwilllayholduponthee。Hidenotthyfacefromme。EvenifIdie，letmeseethyfacelestIdie。

6。Thehouseofmysoulistoonarrowfortheetocomeintome；letitbeenlargedbythee。Itisinruins；dothourestoreit。Thereismuchaboutitwhichmustoffendthyeyes；Iconfessandknowit。Butwhowillcleanseit？Or，towhomshallIcrybuttothee？”Cleansethoumefrommysecretfaults，”OLord，”andkeepbackthyservantfromstrangesins。”[15]”Ibelieve，andthereforedoIspeak。”[16]Butthou，OLord，thouknowest。

HaveInotconfessedmytransgressionsuntothee，OmyGod；andhastthounotputawaytheiniquityofmyheart？[17]Idonotcontendinjudgmentwiththee，[18]whoarttruthitself；andI

wouldnotdeceivemyself，lestmyiniquitylieeventoitself。I

donot，therefore，contendinjudgmentwiththee，for”ifthou，Lord，shouldstmarkiniquities，OLord，whoshallstand？”[19]

CHAPTERVI

7。Still，dustandashesasIam，allowmetospeakbeforethymercy。Allowmetospeak，for，behold，itistothymercythatIspeakandnottoamanwhoscornsme。Yetperhapseventhoumightestscornme；butwhenthoudostturnandattendtome，thouwilthavemercyuponme。ForwhatdoIwishtosay，OLordmyGod，butthatIknownotwhenceIcamehitherintothislife-

in-death。OrshouldIcallitdeath-in-life？Idonotknow。Andyettheconsolationsofthymercyhavesustainedmefromtheverybeginning，asIhaveheardfrommyfleshlyparents，fromwhomandinwhomthoudidstformmeintime——forIcannotmyselfremember。Thuseventhoughtheysustainedmebytheconsolationofwoman’smilk，neithermymothernormynursesfilledtheirownbreastsbutthou，throughthem，didstgivemethefoodofinfancyaccordingtothyordinanceandthybountywhichunderlieallthings。Foritwasthouwhodidstcausemenottowantmorethanthougavestanditwasthouwhogavesttothosewhonourishedmethewilltogivemewhatthoudidstgivethem。Andthey，byaninstinctiveaffection，werewillingtogivemewhatthouhadstsuppliedabundantly。Itwas，indeed，goodforthemthatmygoodshouldcomethroughthem，though，intruth，itwasnotfromthembutbythem。Foritisfromthee，OGod，thatallgoodthingscome——andfrommyGodisallmyhealth。ThisiswhatIhavesincelearned，asthouhastmadeitabundantlyclearbyallthatI

haveseentheegive，bothtomeandtothosearoundme。ForevenattheveryfirstIknewhowtosuck，toliequietwhenIwasfull，andtocrywheninpain——nothingmore。

8。AfterwardIbegantolaugh——atfirstinmysleep，thenwhenwaking。ForthisIhavebeentoldaboutmyselfandIbelieveit——thoughIcannotrememberit——forIseethesamethingsinotherinfants。Then，littlebylittle，IrealizedwhereIwasandwishedtotellmywishestothosewhomightsatisfythem，butI

couldnot！Formywantswereinsideme，andtheywereoutside，andtheycouldnotbyanypoweroftheirscomeintomysoul。AndsoIwouldflingmyarmsandlegsaboutandcry，makingthefewandfeeblegesturesthatIcould，thoughindeedthesignswerenotmuchlikewhatIinwardlydesiredandwhenIwasnotsatisfied——

eitherfromnotbeingunderstoodorbecausewhatIgotwasnotgoodforme——IgrewindignantthatmyelderswerenotsubjecttomeandthatthoseonwhomIactuallyhadnoclaimdidnotwaitonmeasslaves——andIavengedmyselfonthembycrying。Thatinfantsarelikethis，Ihavemyselfbeenabletolearnbywatchingthem；andthey，thoughtheyknewmenot，haveshownmebetterwhatIwaslikethanmyownnurseswhoknewme。

9。And，behold，myinfancydiedlongago，butIamstillliving。Butthou，OLord，whoselifeisforeverandinwhomnothingdies——sincebeforetheworldwas，indeed，beforeallthatcanbecalled”before，”thouwast，andthouarttheGodandLordofallthycreatures；andwiththeeabideallthestablecausesofallunstablethings，theunchangingsourcesofallchangeablethings，andtheeternalreasonsofallnon-rationalandtemporalthings——tellme，thysuppliant，OGod，tellme，O

mercifulOne，inpitytellapitifulcreaturewhethermyinfancyfollowedyetanearlierageofmylifethathadalreadypassedawaybeforeit。WasitsuchanotheragewhichIspentinmymother’swomb？Forsomethingofthatsorthasbeensuggestedtome，andIhavemyselfseenpregnantwomen。Butwhat，OGod，myJoy，preceded_that_periodoflife？WasI，indeed，anywhere，oranybody？Noonecanexplainthesethingstome，neitherfathernormother，northeexperienceofothers，normyownmemory。Dostthoulaughatmeforaskingsuchthings？OrdostthoucommandmetopraiseandconfessuntotheeonlywhatIknow？

10。Igivethankstothee，OLordofheavenandearth，givingpraisetotheeforthatfirstbeingandmyinfancyofwhichIhavenomemory。Forthouhastgrantedtomanthatheshouldcometoself-knowledgethroughtheknowledgeofothers，andthatheshouldbelievemanythingsabouthimselfontheauthorityofthewomenfolk。Now，clearly，Ihadlifeandbeing；and，asmyinfancyclosed，Iwasalreadylearningsignsbywhichmyfeelingscouldbecommunicatedtoothers。

Whencecouldsuchacreaturecomebutfromthee，OLord？Isanymanskillfulenoughtohavefashionedhimself？Oristhereanyothersourcefromwhichbeingandlifecouldflowintous，savethis，thatthou，OLord，hastmadeus——thouwithwhombeingandlifeareone，sincethouthyselfartsupremebeingandsupremelifebothtogether。Forthouartinfiniteandintheethereisnochange，noranendtothispresentday——althoughthereisasenseinwhichitendsintheesinceallthingsareintheeandtherewouldbenosuchthingasdayspassingawayunlessthoudidstsustainthem。Andsince”thyyearsshallhavenoend，”[20]

thyyearsareanever-presentday。Andhowmanyofoursandourfathers’dayshavepassedthroughthisthydayandhavereceivedfromitwhatmeasureandfashionofbeingtheyhad？Andallthedaystocomeshallsoreceiveandsopassaway。”Butthouartthesame”！[21]Andallthethingsoftomorrowandthedaysyettocome，andallofyesterdayandthedaysthatarepast，thouwiltgatherintothisthyday。Whatisittomeifsomeonedoesnotunderstandthis？Lethimstillrejoiceandcontinuetoask，”Whatisthis？”Lethimalsorejoiceandprefertoseekthee，evenifhefailstofindananswer，ratherthantoseekananswerandnotfindthee！

CHAPTERVII

11。”Hearme，OGod！Woetothesinsofmen！”Whenamancriesthus，thoushowesthimmercy，forthoudidstcreatethemanbutnotthesininhim。Whobringstoremembrancethesinsofmyinfancy？Forinthysightthereisnonefreefromsin，noteventheinfantwhohaslivedbutadayuponthisearth。Whobringsthistomyremembrance？Doesnoteachlittleone，inwhomInowobservewhatInolongerrememberofmyself？Inwhatways，inthattime，didIsin？WasitthatIcriedforthebreast？IfI

shouldnowsocry——notindeedforthebreast，butforfoodsuitabletomycondition——Ishouldbemostjustlylaughedatandrebuked。WhatIdidthendeservedrebukebut，sinceIcouldnotunderstandthosewhorebukedme，neithercustomnorcommonsensepermittedmetoberebuked。Aswegrowwerootoutandcastawayfromussuchchildishhabits。YetIhavenotseenanyonewhoiswisewhocastawaythegoodwhentryingtopurgethebad。Norwasitgood，eveninthattime，tostrivetogetbycryingwhat，ifithadbeengivenme，wouldhavebeenhurtful；ortobebitterlyindignantatthosewho，becausetheywereolder——notslaves，either，butfree——andwiserthanI，wouldnotindulgemycapriciousdesires。Wasitagoodthingformetotry，bystrugglingashardasIcould，toharmthemfornotobeyingme，evenwhenitwouldhavedonemeharmtohavebeenobeyed？Thus，theinfant’sinnocenceliesintheweaknessofhisbodyandnotintheinfantmind。Ihavemyselfobservedababytobejealous，thoughitcouldnotspeak；itwaslividasitwatchedanotherinfantatthebreast。

Whoisignorantofthis？MothersandnursestellusthattheycurethesethingsbyIknownotwhatremedies。Butisthisinnocence，whenthefountainofmilkisflowingfreshandabundant，thatanotherwhoneedsitshouldnotbeallowedtoshareit，eventhoughherequiressuchnourishmenttosustainhislife？

Yetwelooklenientlyonsuchthings，notbecausetheyarenotfaults，orevensmallfaults，butbecausetheywillvanishastheyearspass。For，althoughweallowforsuchthingsinaninfant，thesamethingscouldnotbetoleratedpatientlyinanadult。

12。Therefore，OLordmyGod，thouwhogavestlifetotheinfant，andabodywhich，aswesee，thouhastfurnishedwithsenses，shapedwithlimbs，beautifiedwithform，andendowedwithallvitalenergiesforitswell-beingandhealth——thoudostcommandmetopraisetheeforthesethings，togivethanksuntotheLord，andtosingpraiseuntohisname，OMostHigh。[22]ForthouartGod，omnipotentandgood，evenifthouhadstdonenomorethanthesethings，whichnootherbutthoucanstdo——thoualonewhomadestallthingsfairanddidstordereverythingaccordingtothylaw。

Iamloathtodwellonthispartofmylifeofwhich，OLord，Ihavenoremembrance，aboutwhichImusttrustthewordofothersandwhatIcansurmisefromobservingotherinfants，evenifsuchguessesaretrustworthy。ForitliesinthedeepmurkofmyforgetfulnessandthusisliketheperiodwhichIpassedinmymother’swomb。Butif”Iwasconceivedininiquity，andinsinmymothernourishedmeinherwomb，”[23]where，Ipraythee，OmyGod，where，OLord，orwhenwasI，thyservant，everinnocent？

Butseenow，Ipassoverthatperiod，forwhathaveItodowithatimefromwhichIcanrecallnomemories？

CHAPTERVIII

13。DidInot，then，asIgrewoutofinfancy，comenexttoboyhood，orratherdiditnotcometomeandsucceedmyinfancy？

Myinfancydidnotgoaway(forwherewoulditgo？)。Itwassimplynolongerpresent；andIwasnolongeraninfantwhocouldnotspeak，butnowachatteringboy。Irememberthis，andIhavesinceobservedhowIlearnedtospeak。Myeldersdidnotteachmewordsbyrote，astheytaughtmemylettersafterward。ButI

myself，whenIwasunabletocommunicateallIwishedtosaytowhomeverIwishedbymeansofwhimperingsandgruntsandvariousgesturesofmylimbs(whichIusedtoreinforcemydemands)，I

myselfrepeatedthesoundsalreadystoredinmymemorybythemindwhichthou，OmyGod，hadstgivenme。Whentheycalledsomethingbynameandpointeditoutwhiletheyspoke，Isawitandrealizedthatthethingtheywishedtoindicatewascalledbythenametheythenuttered。Andwhattheymeantwasmadeplainbythegesturesoftheirbodies，byakindofnaturallanguage，commontoallnations，whichexpressesitselfthroughchangesofcountenance，glancesoftheeye，gesturesandintonationswhichindicateadispositionandattitude——eithertoseekortopossess，torejectortoavoid。Soitwasthatbyfrequentlyhearingwords，indifferentphrases，Igraduallyidentifiedtheobjectswhichthewordsstoodforand，havingformedmymouthtorepeatthesesigns，Iwastherebyabletoexpressmywill。ThusIexchangedwiththoseaboutmetheverbalsignsbywhichweexpressourwishesandadvanceddeeperintothestormyfellowshipofhumanlife，dependingallthewhileupontheauthorityofmyparentsandthebehestofmyelders。

CHAPTERIX

14。OmyGod！WhatmiseriesandmockeriesdidIthenexperiencewhenitwasimpressedonmethatobediencetomyteacherswaspropertomyboyhoodestateifIwastoflourishinthisworldanddistinguishmyselfinthosetricksofspeechwhichwouldgainhonorformeamongmen，anddeceitfulriches！TothisendIwassenttoschooltogetlearning，thevalueofwhichI

knewnot——wretchthatIwas。YetifIwasslowtolearn，Iwasflogged。Forthiswasdeemedpraiseworthybyourforefathersandmanyhadpassedbeforeusinthesamecourse，andthushadbuiltuptheprecedentforthesorrowfulroadonwhichwetoowerecompelledtotravel，multiplyinglaborandsorrowuponthesonsofAdam。Aboutthistime，OLord，Iobservedmenprayingtothee，andIlearnedfromthemtoconceivethee——aftermycapacityforunderstandingasitwasthen——tobesomegreatBeing，who，thoughnotvisibletooursenses，wasabletohearandhelpus。

ThusasaboyIbegantopraytothee，myHelpandmyRefuge，and，incallingonthee，brokethebandsofmytongue。SmallasIwas，IprayedwithnoslightearnestnessthatImightnotbebeatenatschool。Andwhenthoudidstnotheedme——forthatwouldhavebeengivingmeovertomyfolly——myeldersandevenmyparentstoo，whowishedmenoill，treatedmystripesasajoke，thoughtheywerethenagreatandgrievousilltome。

15。Isthereanyone，OLord，withaspiritsogreat，whocleavestotheewithsuchsteadfastaffection(oristhereevenakindofobtusenessthathasthesameeffect)——isthereanymanwho，bycleavingdevoutlytothee，isendowedwithsogreatacouragethathecanregardindifferentlythoseracksandhooksandothertortureweaponsfromwhichmenthroughouttheworldpraysoferventlytobespared；andcantheyscornthosewhosogreatlyfearthesetorments，justasmyparentswereamusedatthetormentswithwhichourteacherspunishedusboys？Forwewerenolessafraidofourpains，nordidwebeseechtheelesstoescapethem。Yet，evenso，weweresinningbywritingorreadingorstudyinglessthanourassignedlessons。

ForIdidnot，OLord，lackmemoryorcapacity，for，bythywill，Ipossessedenoughformyage。However，mymindwasabsorbedonlyinplay，andIwaspunishedforthisbythosewhoweredoingthesamethingsthemselves。Buttheidlingofoureldersiscalledbusiness；theidlingofboys，thoughquitelikeit，ispunishedbythosesameelders，andnoonepitieseithertheboysorthemen。ForwillanycommonsenseobserveragreethatI

wasrightlypunishedasaboyforplayingball——justbecausethishinderedmefromlearningmorequicklythoselessonsbymeansofwhich，asaman，Icouldplayatmoreshamefulgames？AnddidhebywhomIwasbeatendoanythingdifferent？Whenhewasworstedinsomesmallcontroversywithafellowteacher，hewasmoretormentedbyangerandenvythanIwaswhenbeatenbyaplaymateintheballgame。

CHAPTERX

16。AndyetIsinned，OLordmyGod，thourulerandcreatorofallnaturalthings——butofsinsonlytheruler——Isinned，O

LordmyGod，inactingagainstthepreceptsofmyparentsandofthoseteachers。Forthislearningwhichtheywishedmetoacquire——nomatterwhattheirmotiveswere——Imighthaveputtogoodaccountafterward。Idisobeyedthem，notbecauseIhadchosenabetterway，butfromasheerloveofplay。Ilovedthevanityofvictory，andIlovedtohavemyearstickledwithlyingfables，whichmadethemitchevenmoreardently，andasimilarcuriosityglowedmoreandmoreinmyeyesfortheshowsandsportsofmyelders。Yetthosewhoputonsuchshowsareheldinsuchhighreputethatalmostalldesirethesamefortheirchildren。Theyarethereforewillingtohavethembeaten，iftheirchildhoodgameskeepthemfromthestudiesbywhichtheirparentsdesirethemtogrowuptobeabletogivesuchshows。Lookdownonthesethingswithmercy，OLord，anddeliveruswhonowcalluponthee；

deliverthosealsowhodonotcalluponthee，thattheymaycalluponthee，andthoumayestdeliverthem。

CHAPTERXI

17。EvenasaboyIhadheardofeternallifepromisedtousthroughthehumilityoftheLordourGod，whocamedowntovisitusinourpride，andIwassignedwiththesignofhiscross，andwasseasonedwithhissaltevenfromthewombofmymother，whogreatlytrustedinthee。Thoudidstsee，OLord，how，once，whileIwasstillachild，Iwassuddenlyseizedwithstomachpainsandwasatthepointofdeath——thoudidstsee，OmyGod，foreventhenthouwastmykeeper，withwhatagitationandwithwhatfaithIsolicitedfromthepietyofmymotherandfromthyChurch(whichisthemotherofusall)thebaptismofthyChrist，myLordandmyGod。Themotherofmyfleshwasmuchperplexed，for，withaheartpureinthyfaith，shewasalwaysindeeptravailformyeternalsalvation。IfIhadnotquicklyrecovered，shewouldhaveprovidedforthwithformyinitiationandwashingbythylife-

givingsacraments，confessingthee，OLordJesus，fortheforgivenessofsins。Somycleansingwasdeferred，asifitwereinevitablethat，ifIshouldlive，Iwouldbefurtherpolluted；

and，further，becausetheguiltcontractedbysinafterbaptismwouldbestillgreaterandmoreperilous。

Thus，atthattime，I”believed”alongwithmymotherandthewholehousehold，exceptmyfather。Buthedidnotovercometheinfluenceofmymother’spietyinme，nordidhepreventmybelievinginChrist，althoughhehadnotyetbelievedinhim。Foritwasherdesire，OmyGod，thatIshouldacknowledgetheeasmyFatherratherthanhim。Inthisthoudidstaidhertoovercomeherhusband，towhom，thoughhissuperior，sheyieldedobedience。

Inthiswayshealsoyieldedobediencetothee，whodostsocommand。

18。Iaskthee，OmyGod，forIwouldgladlyknowifitbethywill，towhatgoodendmybaptismwasdeferredatthattime？

Wasitindeedformygoodthatthereinswereslackened，asitwere，toencouragemeinsin？Or，weretheynotslackened？Ifnot，thenwhyisitstilldinnedintoourearsonallsides，”Lethimalone，lethimdoashepleases，forheisnotyetbaptized”？

Inthematterofbodilyhealth，noonesays，”Lethimalone；lethimbeworsewounded；forheisnotyetcured”！Howmuchbetter，then，wouldithavebeenformetohavebeencuredatonce——andifthereafter，throughthediligentcareoffriendsandmyself，mysoul’srestoredhealthhadbeenkeptsafeinthykeeping，whogaveitinthefirstplace！Thiswouldhavebeenfarbetter，intruth。

ButhowmanyandgreatthewavesoftemptationwhichappearedtohangovermeasIgrewoutofchildhood！Thesewereforeseenbymymother，andshepreferredthattheunformedclayshouldberiskedtothemratherthantheclaymoldedafterChrist’simage。[24]

CHAPTERXII

19。Butinthistimeofchildhood——whichwasfarlessdreadedformethanmyadolescence——Ihadnoloveoflearning，andhatedtobedriventoit。YetIwasdriventoitjustthesame，andgoodwasdoneforme，eventhoughIdidnotdoitwell，forIwouldnothavelearnedifIhadnotbeenforcedtoit。Fornomandoeswellagainsthiswill，evenifwhathedoesisagoodthing。Neitherdidtheywhoforcedmedowell，butthegoodthatwasdonemecamefromthee，myGod。FortheydidnotcareaboutthewayinwhichIwouldusewhattheyforcedmetolearn，andtookitforgrantedthatitwastosatisfytheinordinatedesiresofarichbeggaryandashamefulglory。Butthou，Lord，bywhomthehairsofourheadarenumbered，didstuseformygoodtheerrorofallwhopushedmeontostudy:butmyerrorinnotbeingwillingtolearnthoudidstuseformypunishment。AndI——

thoughsosmallaboyyetsogreatasinner——wasnotpunishedwithoutwarrant。Thusbytheinstrumentalityofthosewhodidnotdowell，thoudidstwellforme；andbymyownsinthoudidstjustlypunishme。Foritisevenasthouhastordained:thateveryinordinateaffectionbringsonitsownpunishment。

CHAPTERXIII

20。ButwhatwerethecausesformystrongdislikeofGreekliterature，whichIstudiedfrommyboyhood？EventothisdayI

havenotfullyunderstoodthem。ForLatinIlovedexceedingly——

notjusttherudiments，butwhatthegrammariansteach。Forthosebeginner’slessonsinreading，writing，andreckoning，I

considerednolessaburdenandpainthanGreek。Yetwhencecamethis，unlessfromthesinandvanityofthislife？ForIwas”butflesh，awindthatpassethawayandcomethnotagain。”[25]Thosefirstlessonswerebetter，assuredly，becausetheyweremorecertain，andthroughthemIacquired，andstillretain，thepowerofreadingwhatIfindwrittenandofwritingformyselfwhatI

will。Intheothersubjects，however，IwascompelledtolearnaboutthewanderingsofacertainAeneas，obliviousofmyownwanderings，andtoweepforDidodead，whoslewherselfforlove。

AndallthiswhileIborewithdryeyesmyownwretchedselfdyingtothee，OGod，mylife，inthemidstofthesethings。

21。Forwhatcanbemorewretchedthanthewretchwhohasnopityuponhimself，whoshedstearsoverDido，deadfortheloveofAeneas，butwhoshedsnotearsforhisowndeathinnotlovingthee，OGod，lightofmyheart，andbreadoftheinnermouthofmysoul，Opowerthatlinkstogethermymindwithmyinmostthoughts？

Ididnotlovethee，andthuscommittedfornicationagainstthee。[26]Thosearoundme，alsosinning，thuscriedout:”Welldone！Welldone！”Thefriendshipofthisworldisfornicationagainstthee；and”Welldone！Welldone！”iscrieduntilonefeelsashamednottoshowhimselfamaninthisway。FormyownconditionIshednotears，thoughIweptforDido，who”soughtdeathatthesword’spoint，”[27]whileImyselfwasseekingthelowestrungofthycreation，havingforsakenthee；earthsinkingbacktoearthagain。And，ifIhadbeenforbiddentoreadthesepoems，IwouldhavegrievedthatIwasnotallowedtoreadwhatgrievedme。Thissortofmadnessisconsideredmorehonorableandmorefruitfullearningthanthebeginner’scourseinwhichI

learnedtoreadandwrite。

22。Butnow，OmyGod，cryuntomysoul，andletthytruthsaytome:”Notso，notso！Thatfirstlearningwasfarbetter。”

For，obviously，IwouldratherforgetthewanderingsofAeneas，andallsuchthings，thanforgethowtowriteandread。Still，overtheentranceofthegrammarschooltherehangsaveil。Thisisnotsomuchthesignofacoveringforamysteryasacurtainforerror。Letthemexclaimagainstme——thoseInolongerfear——whileIconfesstothee，myGod，whatmysouldesires，andletmefindsomerest，forinblamingmyownevilwaysImaycometolovethyholyways。Neitherletthosecryoutagainstmewhobuyandsellthebaublesofliterature。ForifIaskthemifitistrue，asthepoetsays，thatAeneasoncecametoCarthage，theunlearnedwillreplythattheydonotknowandthelearnedwilldenythatitistrue。ButifIaskwithwhatlettersthenameAeneasiswritten，allwhohaveeverlearnedthiswillanswercorrectly，inaccordancewiththeconventionalunderstandingmenhaveagreeduponastothesesigns。Again，ifIshouldaskwhichwouldcausethegreatestinconvenienceinourlife，ifitwereforgotten:readingandwriting，orthesepoeticalfictions，whodoesnotseewhateveryonewouldanswerwhohadnotentirelylosthisownmemory？Ierred，then，whenasaboyIpreferredthosevainstudiestothesemoreprofitableones，orratherlovedtheoneandhatedtheother。”Oneandonearetwo，twoandtwoarefour”:thiswasthenatrulyhatefulsongtome。Butthewoodenhorsefullofitsarmedsoldiers，andtheholocaustofTroy，andthespectralimageofCreusawereallamostdelightful——andvain——show！[28]

23。Butwhy，then，didIdislikeGreeklearning，whichwasfullofsuchtales？ForHomerwasskillfulininventingsuchpoeticfictionsandismostsweetlywanton；yetwhenIwasaboy，hewasmostdisagreeabletome。IbelievethatVirgilwouldhavethesameeffectonGreekboysasHomerdidonmeiftheywereforcedtolearnhim。ForthetediumoflearningaforeignlanguagemingledgallintothesweetnessofthoseGrecianmyths。

ForIdidnotunderstandawordofthelanguage，andyetIwasdrivenwiththreatsandcruelpunishmentstolearnit。Therewasalsoatimewhen，asaninfant，IknewnoLatin；butthisI

acquiredwithoutanyfearortormenting，butmerelybybeingalerttotheblandishmentsofmynurses，thejestsofthosewhosmiledonme，andthesportivenessofthosewhotoyedwithme。Ilearnedallthis，indeed，withoutbeingurgedbyanypressureofpunishment，formyownhearturgedmetobringforthitsownfashioning，whichIcouldnotdoexceptbylearningwords:notfromthosewhotaughtmebutthosewhotalkedtome，intowhoseearsIcouldpourforthwhateverIcouldfashion。Fromthisitissufficientlyclearthatafreecuriosityismoreeffectiveinlearningthanadisciplinebasedonfear。Yet，bythyordinance，OGod，disciplineisgiventorestraintheexcessesoffreedom；

thisrangesfromtheferuleoftheschoolmastertothetrialsofthemartyrandhastheeffectofminglingforusawholesomebitterness，whichcallsusbacktotheefromthepoisonouspleasuresthatfirstdrewusfromthee。

CHAPTERXV

24。Hearmyprayer，OLord；letnotmysoulfaintunderthydiscipline，norletmefaintinconfessinguntotheethymercies，wherebythouhastsavedmefromallmymostwickedwaystillthoushouldstbecomesweettomebeyondalltheallurementsthatIusedtofollow。Letmecometolovetheewholly，andgraspthyhandwithmywholeheartthatthoumayestdelivermefromeverytemptation，evenuntothelast。Andthus，OLord，myKingandmyGod，mayallthingsusefulthatIlearnedasaboynowbeofferedinthyservice——letitbethatforthyserviceInowspeakandwriteandreckon。ForwhenIwaslearningvainthings，thoudidstimposethydisciplineuponme:andthouhastforgivenmemysinofdelightinginthosevanities。InthosestudiesIlearnedmanyausefulword，butthesemighthavebeenlearnedinmattersnotsovain；andsurelythatisthesafewayforyouthstowalkin。

CHAPTERXVI

25。Butwoeuntoyou，Otorrentofhumancustom！Whoshallstayyourcourse？Whenwillyoueverrundry？HowlongwillyoucarrydownthesonsofEveintothatvastandhideousocean，whicheventhosewhohavetheTree(foranark)[29]canscarcelypassover？DoInotreadinyouthestoriesofJovethethunderer——

andtheadulterer？[30]Howcouldhebeboth？Butsoitsays，andtheshamthunderservedasacloakforhimtoplayatrealadultery。Yetwhichofourgownedmasterswillgiveatemperedhearingtoamantrainedintheirownschoolswhocriesoutandsays:”ThesewereHomer’sfictions；hetransfersthingshumantothegods。Icouldhavewishedthathewouldtransferdivinethingstous。”[31]Butitwouldhavebeenmoretrueifhesaid，”Theseare，indeed，hisfictions，butheattributeddivineattributestosinfulmen，thatcrimesmightnotbeaccountedcrimes，andthatwhoevercommittedsuchcrimesmightappeartoimitatethecelestialgodsandnotabandonedmen。”

26。Andyet，Otorrentofhell，thesonsofmenarestillcastintoyou，andtheypayfeesforlearningallthesethings。

Andmuchismadeofitwhenthisgoesonintheforumundertheauspicesoflawswhichgiveasalaryoverandabovethefees。Andyoubeatagainstyourrockyshoreandroar:”Herewordsmaybelearned；hereyoucanattaintheeloquencewhichissonecessarytopersuadepeopletoyourwayofthinking；sohelpfulinunfoldingyouropinions。”Verily，theyseemtoarguethatweshouldneverhaveunderstoodthesewords，”goldenshower，””bosom，””intrigue，””highestheavens，”andothersuchwords，ifTerencehadnotintroducedagood-for-nothingyouthuponthestage，settingupapictureofJoveashisexampleoflewdnessandtellingthetale”OfJove’sdescendinginagoldenshowerIntoDanae’sbosom……

Withawomantointrigue。”

Seehowheexciteshimselftolust，asifbyaheavenlyauthority，whenhesays:”GreatJove，Whoshakesthehighestheavenswithhisthunder；

ShallI，poormortalman，notdothesame？

I’vedoneit，andwithallmyheart，I’mglad。”[32]

Thesewordsarenotlearnedonewhitmoreeasilybecauseofthisvileness，butthroughthemthevilenessismoreboldlyperpetrated。Idonotblamethewords，fortheyare，asitwere，choiceandpreciousvessels，butIdodeplorethewineoferrorwhichwaspouredouttousbyteachersalreadydrunk。And，unlesswealsodrankwewerebeaten，withoutlibertyofappealtoasoberjudge。Andyet，OmyGod，inwhosepresenceIcannowwithsecurityrecallthis，Ilearnedthesethingswillinglyandwithdelight，andforitIwascalledaboyofgoodpromise。

CHAPTERXVII

27。Bearwithme，OmyGod，whileIspeakalittleofthosetalents，thygifts，andofthefolliesonwhichIwastedthem。

Foralessonwasgivenmethatsufficientlydisturbedmysoul，forinittherewasbothhopeofpraiseandfearofshameorstripes。

TheassignmentwasthatIshoulddeclaimthewordsofJuno，assheragedandsorrowedthatshecouldnot”BaroffItalyFromalltheapproachesoftheTeucrianking。”[33]

IhadlearnedthatJunohadneverutteredthesewords。Yetwewerecompelledtostrayinthefootstepsofthesepoeticfictions，andtoturnintoprosewhatthepoethadsaidinverse。

Inthedeclamation，theboywonmostapplausewhomoststrikinglyreproducedthepassionsofangerandsorrowaccordingtothe”character”ofthepersonspresentedandwhoclotheditallinthemostsuitablelanguage。Whatisitnowtome，OmytrueLife，myGod，thatmydeclaimingwasapplaudedabovethatofmanyofmyclassmatesandfellowstudents？Actually，wasnotallthatsmokeandwind？Besides，wastherenothingelseonwhichIcouldhaveexercisedmywitandtongue？Thypraise，OLord，thypraisesmighthaveproppedupthetendrilsofmyheartbythyScriptures；

anditwouldnothavebeendraggedawaybytheseemptytrifles，ashamefulpreytothespiritsoftheair。Forthereismorethanonewayinwhichmensacrificetothefallenangels。

CHAPTERXVIII

28。ButitwasnowonderthatIwasthuscarriedtowardvanityandwasestrangedfromthee，OmyGod，whenmenwereheldupasmodelstomewho，whenrelatingadeedoftheirs——notinitselfevil——werecoveredwithconfusioniffoundguiltyofabarbarismorasolecism；butwhocouldtelloftheirownlicentiousnessandbeapplaudedforit，solongastheydiditinafullandornateorationofwell-chosenwords。Thouseestallthis，OLord，anddostkeepsilence——”long-suffering，andplenteousinmercyandtruth”[34]asthouart。Wiltthoukeepsilenceforever？Evennowthoudrawestfromthatvastdeepthesoulthatseekstheeandthirstsafterthydelight，whose”heartsaiduntothee，？Ihavesoughtthyface；thyface，Lord，willI

seek。’”[35]ForIwasfarfromthyfaceinthedarkshadowsofpassion。Foritisnotbyourfeet，norbychangeofplace，thatweeitherturnfromtheeorreturntothee。Thatyoungersondidnotcharterhorsesorchariots，orships，orflyawayonvisiblewings，orjourneybywalkingsothatinthefarcountryhemightprodigallywasteallthatthoudidstgivehimwhenhesetout。[36]

AkindFatherwhenthougavest；andkinderstillwhenhereturneddestitute！Tobewanton，thatistosay，tobedarkenedinheart——thisistobefarfromthyface。

29。Lookdown，OLordGod，andseepatiently，asthouartwonttodo，howdiligentlythesonsofmenobservetheconventionalrulesoflettersandsyllables，taughtthembythosewholearnedtheirlettersbeforehand，whiletheyneglecttheeternalrulesofeverlastingsalvationtaughtbythee。Theycarryitsofarthatifhewhopracticesorteachestheestablishedrulesofpronunciationshouldspeak(contrarytogrammaticalusage)withoutaspiratingthefirstsyllableof”hominem”

[”ominem，”andthusmakeit”a’umanbeing”]，hewilloffendmenmorethanifhe，ahumanbeing，wereto_hate_anotherhumanbeingcontrarytothycommandments。Itisasifheshouldfeelthatthereisanenemywhocouldbemoredestructivetohimselfthanthathatredwhichexciteshimagainsthisfellowman；orthathecoulddestroyhimwhomhehatesmorecompletelythanhedestroyshisownsoulbythissamehatred。Now，obviously，thereisnoknowledgeoflettersmoreinnatethanthewritingofconscience——

againstdoinguntoanotherwhatonewouldnothavedonetohimself。

Howmysteriousthouart，who”dwellestonhigh”[37]insilence。Othou，theonlygreatGod，whobyanunweariedlawhurlestdownthepenaltyofblindnesstounlawfuldesire！Whenamanseekingthereputationofeloquencestandsbeforeahumanjudge，whileathrongingmultitudesurroundshim，andinveighsagainsthisenemywiththemostfiercehatred，hetakesmostvigilantheedthathistonguedoesnotslipinagrammaticalerror，forexample，andsayinterhominibus[insteadofinterhomines]，buthetakesnoheedlest，inthefuryofhisspirit，hecutoffamanfromhisfellowmen[exhominibus]。

30。ThesewerethecustomsinthemidstofwhichIwascast，anunhappyboy。ThiswasthewrestlingarenainwhichIwasmorefearfulofperpetratingabarbarismthan，havingdoneso，ofenvyingthosewhohadnot。ThesethingsIdeclareandconfesstothee，myGod。IwasapplaudedbythosewhomIthenthoughtitmywholedutytoplease，forIdidnotperceivethegulfofinfamywhereinIwascastawayfromthyeyes。

Forinthyeyes，whatwasmoreinfamousthanIwasalready，sinceIdispleasedevenmyownkindanddeceived，withendlesslies，mytutor，mymastersandparents——allfromaloveofplay，acravingforfrivolousspectacles，astage-struckrestlessnesstoimitatewhatIsawintheseshows？Ipilferedfrommyparents’

cellarandtable，sometimesdrivenbygluttony，sometimesjusttohavesomethingtogivetootherboysinexchangefortheirbaubles，whichtheywerepreparedtoselleventhoughtheylikedthemaswellasI。Moreover，inthiskindofplay，Ioftensoughtdishonestvictories，beingmyselfconqueredbythevaindesireforpre-eminence。AndwhatwasIsounwillingtoendure，andwhatwasitthatIcensuredsoviolentlywhenIcaughtanyone，excepttheverythingsIdidtoothers？And，whenIwasmyselfdetectedandcensured，Ipreferredtoquarrelratherthantoyield。Isthistheinnocenceofchildhood？Itisnot，OLord，itisnot。I

entreatthymercy，OmyGod，forthesesamesinsaswegrowolderaretransferredfromtutorsandmasters；theypassfromnutsandballsandsparrows，tomagistratesandkings，togoldandlandsandslaves，justastherodissucceededbymoreseverechastisements。Itwas，then，thefactofhumilityinchildhoodthatthou，OourKing，didstapproveasasymbolofhumilitywhenthousaidst，”OfsuchistheKingdomofHeaven。”[38]

CHAPTERXIX

31。However，OLord，totheemostexcellentandmostgood，thouArchitectandGovernoroftheuniverse，thankswouldbeduethee，OourGod，evenifthouhadstnotwilledthatIshouldsurvivemyboyhood。ForIexistedeventhen；Ilivedandfeltandwassolicitousaboutmyownwell-being——atraceofthatmostmysteriousunityfromwhenceIhadmybeing。[39]Ikeptwatch，bymyinnersense，overtheintegrityofmyoutersenses，andeveninthesetriflesandalsoinmythoughtsabouttrifles，Ilearnedtotakepleasureintruth。Iwasaversetobeingdeceived；Ihadavigorousmemory；Iwasgiftedwiththepowerofspeech，wassoftenedbyfriendship，shunnedsorrow，meanness，ignorance。Isnotsuchananimatedcreatureasthiswonderfulandpraiseworthy？

ButallthesearegiftsofmyGod；Ididnotgivethemtomyself。

Moreover，theyaregood，andtheyalltogetherconstitutemyself。

Good，then，ishethatmademe，andheismyGod；andbeforehimwillIrejoiceexceedinglyforeverygoodgiftwhich，evenasaboy，Ihad。Buthereinlaymysin，thatitwasnotinhim，butinhiscreatures——myselfandtherest——thatIsoughtforpleasures，honors，andtruths。AndIfelltherebyintosorrows，troubles，anderrors。Thanksbetothee，myjoy，mypride，myconfidence，myGod——thanksbetotheeforthygifts；butdothoupreservetheminme。Forthuswiltthoupreserveme；andthosethingswhichthouhastgivenmeshallbedevelopedandperfected，andImyselfshallbewiththee，forfromtheeismybeing。

BOOKTWO

Heconcentrateshereonhissixteenthyear，ayearofidleness，lust，andadolescentmischief。Thememoryofstealingsomepearspromptsadeepprobingofthemotivesandaimsofsinfulacts。”I

becametomyselfawasteland。”

CHAPTERI

1。Iwishnowtoreviewinmemorymypastwickednessandthecarnalcorruptionsofmysoul——notbecauseIstilllovethem，butthatImaylovethee，OmyGod。ForloveofthyloveIdothis，recallinginthebitternessofself-examinationmywickedways，thatthoumayestgrowsweettome，thousweetnesswithoutdeception！Thousweetnesshappyandassured！ThusthoumayestgathermeupoutofthosefragmentsinwhichIwastorntopieces，whileIturnedawayfromthee，OUnity，andlostmyselfamong”themany。”[40]ForasIbecameayouth，Ilongedtobesatisfiedwithworldlythings，andIdaredtogrowwildinasuccessionofvariousandshadowyloves。Myformwastedaway，andIbecamecorruptinthyeyes，yetIwasstillpleasingtomyowneyes——

andeagertopleasetheeyesofmen。

CHAPTERII

2。Butwhatwasitthatdelightedmesavetoloveandtobeloved？StillIdidnotkeepthemoderatewayoftheloveofmindtomind——thebrightpathoffriendship。Instead，themistsofpassionsteamedupoutofthepuddlyconcupiscenceoftheflesh，andthehotimaginationofpuberty，andtheysoobscuredandovercastmyheartthatIwasunabletodistinguishpureaffectionfromunholydesire。Bothboiledconfusedlywithinme，anddraggedmyunstableyouthdownoverthecliffsofunchastedesiresandplungedmeintoagulfofinfamy。Thyangerhadcomeuponme，andIknewitnot。Ihadbeendeafenedbytheclankingofthechainsofmymortality，thepunishmentformysoul’spride，andI

wanderedfartherfromthee，andthoudidstpermitmetodoso。I

wastossedtoandfro，andwasted，andpouredout，andIboiledoverinmyfornications——andyetthoudidstholdthypeace，OmytardyJoy！Thoudidststillholdthypeace，andIwanderedstillfartherfromtheeintomoreandyetmorebarrenfieldsofsorrow，inprouddejectionandrestlesslassitude。

3。Ifonlytherehadbeensomeonetoregulatemydisorderandturntomyprofitthefleetingbeautiesofthethingsaroundme，andtofixaboundtotheirsweetness，sothatthetidesofmyyouthmighthavespentthemselvesupontheshoreofmarriage！

Thentheymighthavebeentranquilizedandsatisfiedwithhavingchildren，asthylawprescribes，OLord——Othouwhodostformtheoffspringofourdeathandartablealsowithatenderhandtobluntthethornswhichwereexcludedfromthyparadise！[41]Forthyomnipotenceisnotfarfromusevenwhenwearefarfromthee。

Now，ontheotherhand，Imighthavegivenmorevigilantheedtothevoicefromtheclouds:”Nevertheless，suchshallhavetroubleintheflesh，butIspareyou，”[42]and，”Itisgoodforamannottotouchawoman，”[43]and，”HethatisunmarriedcaresforthethingsthatbelongtotheLord，howhemaypleasetheLord；buthethatismarriedcaresforthethingsthatareoftheworld，howhemaypleasehiswife。”[44]Ishouldhavelistenedmoreattentivelytothesewords，and，thushavingbeen”madeaeunuchfortheKingdomofHeaven’ssake，”[45]Iwouldhavewithgreaterhappinessexpectedthyembraces。

4。But，foolthatIwas，Ifoamedinmywickednessastheseaand，forsakingthee，followedtherushingofmyowntide，andburstoutofallthybounds。ButIdidnotescapethyscourges。

Forwhatmortalcandoso？Thouwastalwaysbyme，mercifullyangryandflavoringallmyunlawfulpleasureswithbitterdiscontent，inorderthatImightseekpleasuresfreefromdiscontent。ButwherecouldIfindsuchpleasuresaveinthee，O

Lord——saveinthee，whodostteachusbysorrow，whowoundestustohealus，anddostkillusthatwemaynotdieapartfromthee。

WherewasI，andhowfarwasIexiledfromthedelightsofthyhouse，inthatsixteenthyearoftheageofmyflesh，whenthemadnessoflustheldfullswayinme——thatmadnesswhichgrantsindulgencetohumanshamelessness，eventhoughitisforbiddenbythylaws——andIgavemyselfentirelytoit？Meanwhile，myfamilytooknocaretosavemefromruinbymarriage，fortheirsolecarewasthatIshouldlearnhowtomakeapowerfulspeechandbecomeapersuasiveorator。

CHAPTERIII

5。Now，inthatyearmystudieswereinterrupted。IhadcomebackfromMadaura，aneighboringcity[46]whereIhadgonetostudygrammarandrhetoric；andthemoneyforafurthertermatCarthagewasbeinggottogetherforme。Thisprojectwasmoreamatterofmyfather’sambitionthanofhismeans，forhewasonlyapoorcitizenofTagaste。

TowhomamInarratingallthis？Nottothee，OmyGod，buttomyownkindinthypresence——tothatsmallpartofthehumanracewhomaychancetocomeuponthesewritings。Andtowhatend？

ThatIandallwhoreadthemmayunderstandwhatdepthstherearefromwhichwearetocryuntothee。[47]Forwhatismoresurelyheardinthyearthanaconfessingheartandafaithfullife？

Whodidnotextolandpraisemyfather，becausehewentquitebeyondhismeanstosupplyhissonwiththenecessaryexpensesforafarjourneyintheinterestofhiseducation？Formanyfarrichercitizensdidnotdosomuchfortheirchildren。Still，thissamefathertroubledhimselfnotatallastohowIwasprogressingtowardtheenorhowchasteIwas，justsolongasI

wasskillfulinspeaking——nomatterhowbarrenIwastothytillage，OGod，whoarttheonetrueandgoodLordofmyheart，whichisthyfield。[48]

6。Duringthatsixteenthyearofmyage，Ilivedwithmyparents，havingaholidayfromschoolforatime——thisidlenessimposeduponmebymyparents’straitenedfinances。Thethornbushesoflustgrewrankaboutmyhead，andtherewasnohandtorootthemout。Indeed，whenmyfathersawmeonedayatthebathsandperceivedthatIwasbecomingaman，andwasshowingthesignsofadolescence，hejoyfullytoldmymotheraboutitasifalreadylookingforwardtograndchildren，rejoicinginthatsortofinebriationinwhichtheworldsooftenforgetsthee，itsCreator，andfallsinlovewiththycreatureinsteadofthee——

theinebriationofthatinvisiblewineofapervertedwillwhichturnsandbowsdowntoinfamy。Butinmymother’sbreastthouhadstalreadybeguntobuildthytempleandthefoundationofthyholyhabitation——whereasmyfatherwasonlyacatechumen，andthatbutrecently。Shewas，therefore，startledwithaholyfearandtrembling:forthoughIhadnotyetbeenbaptized，shefearedthosecrookedwaysinwhichtheywalkwhoturntheirbackstotheeandnottheirfaces。

7。Woeisme！DoIdareaffirmthatthoudidstholdthypeace，OmyGod，whileIwanderedfartherawayfromthee？Didstthoureallythenholdthypeace？Thenwhosewordsweretheybutthinewhichbymymother，thyfaithfulhandmaid，thoudidstpourintomyears？Noneofthem，however，sankintomyhearttomakemedoanything。Shedeploredand，asIremember，warnedmeprivatelywithgreatsolicitude，”nottocommitfornication；butaboveallthingsnevertodefileanotherman’swife。”Theseappearedtomebutwomanishcounsels，whichIwouldhaveblushedtoobey。Yettheywerefromthee，andIknewitnot。Ithoughtthatthouwastsilentandthatitwasonlyshewhospoke。Yetitwasthroughherthatthoudidstnotkeepsilencetowardme；andinrejectinghercounselIwasrejectingthee——I，herson，”thesonofthyhandmaid，thyservant。”[49]ButIdidnotrealizethis，andrushedonheadlongwithsuchblindnessthat，amongmyfriends，Iwasashamedtobelessshamelessthanthey，whenIheardthemboastingoftheirdisgracefulexploits——yes，andgloryingallthemoretheworsetheirbasenesswas。Whatisworse，Itookpleasureinsuchexploits，notforthepleasure’ssakeonlybutmostlyforpraise。Whatisworthyofvituperationexceptviceitself？YetImademyselfoutworsethanIwas，inorderthatI

mightnotgolackingforpraise。AndwheninanythingIhadnotsinnedastheworstonesinthegroup，IwouldstillsaythatI

haddonewhatIhadnotdone，inordernottoappearcontemptiblebecauseIwasmoreinnocentthanthey；andnottodropintheiresteembecauseIwasmorechaste。

8。BeholdwithwhatcompanionsIwalkedthestreetsofBabylon！Irolledinitsmireandlolledaboutonit，asifonabedofspicesandpreciousointments。And，drawingmemorecloselytotheverycenterofthatcity，myinvisibleenemytrodmedownandseducedme，forIwaseasytoseduce。MymotherhadalreadyfledoutofthemidstofBabylon[50]andwasprogressing，albeitslowly，towarditsoutskirts。Forincounselingmetochastity，shedidnotbearinmindwhatherhusbandhadtoldheraboutme。Andalthoughsheknewthatmypassionsweredestructiveeventhenanddangerousforthefuture，shedidnotthinktheyshouldberestrainedbythebondsofconjugalaffection——if，indeed，theycouldnotbecutawaytothequick。Shetooknoheedofthis，forshewasafraidlestawifeshouldproveahindranceandaburdentomyhopes。Thesewerenotherhopesoftheworldtocome，whichmymotherhadinthee，butthehopeoflearning，whichbothmyparentsweretooanxiousthatIshouldacquire——myfather，becausehehadlittleornothoughtofthee，andonlyvainthoughtsforme；mymother，becauseshethoughtthattheusualcourseofstudywouldnotonlybenohindrancebutactuallyafurtherancetowardmyeventualreturntothee。ThismuchI

conjecture，recallingaswellasIcanthetemperamentsofmyparents。Meantime，thereinsofdisciplinewereslackenedonme，sothatwithouttherestraintofdueseverity，ImightplayatwhatsoeverIfancied，eventothepointofdissoluteness。Andinallthistherewasthatmistwhichshutoutfrommysightthebrightnessofthytruth，OmyGod；andmyiniquitybulgedout，asitwere，withfatness！[51]

CHAPTERIV

9。Theftispunishedbythylaw，OLord，andbythelawwritteninmen’shearts，whichnoteveningrainedwickednesscanerase。Forwhatthiefwilltolerateanotherthiefstealingfromhim？Evenarichthiefwillnottolerateapoorthiefwhoisdriventotheftbywant。YetIhadadesiretocommitrobbery，anddidso，compelledtoitbyneitherhungernorpoverty，butthroughacontemptforwell-doingandastrongimpulsetoiniquity。ForIpilferedsomethingwhichIalreadyhadinsufficientmeasure，andofmuchbetterquality。IdidnotdesiretoenjoywhatIstole，butonlythetheftandthesinitself。

Therewasapeartreeclosetoourownvineyard，heavilyladenwithfruit，whichwasnottemptingeitherforitscolororforitsflavor。Lateonenight——havingprolongedourgamesinthestreetsuntilthen，asourbadhabitwas——agroupofyoungscoundrels，andIamongthem，wenttoshakeandrobthistree。Wecarriedoffahugeloadofpears，nottoeatourselves，buttodumpouttothehogs，afterbarelytastingsomeofthemourselves。

Doingthispleasedusallthemorebecauseitwasforbidden。Suchwasmyheart，OGod，suchwasmyheart——whichthoudidstpityeveninthatbottomlesspit。Behold，nowletmyheartconfesstotheewhatitwasseekingthere，whenIwasbeinggratuitouslywanton，havingnoinducementtoevilbuttheevilitself。Itwasfoul，andIlovedit。Ilovedmyownundoing。Ilovedmyerror——notthatforwhichIerredbuttheerroritself。Adepravedsoul，fallingawayfromsecurityintheetodestructioninitself，seekingnothingfromtheshamefuldeedbutshameitself。

CHAPTERV

10。Nowthereisacomelinessinallbeautifulbodies，andingoldandsilverandallthings。Thesenseoftouchhasitsownpowertopleaseandtheothersensesfindtheirproperobjectsinphysicalsensation。Worldlyhonoralsohasitsownglory，andsodothepowerstocommandandtoovercome:andfromthesetherespringsupthedesireforrevenge。Yet，inseekingthesepleasures，wemustnotdepartfromthee，OLord，nordeviatefromthylaw。Thelifewhichweliveherehasitsownpeculiarattractivenessbecauseithasacertainmeasureofcomelinessofitsownandaharmonywithalltheseinferiorvalues。Thebondofhumanfriendshiphasasweetnessofitsown，bindingmanysoulstogetherasone。Yetbecauseofthesevalues，siniscommitted，becausewehaveaninordinatepreferenceforthesegoodsofalowerorderandneglectthebetterandthehighergood——

neglectingthee，OourLordGod，andthytruthandthylaw。Fortheseinferiorvalueshavetheirdelights，butnotatallequaltomyGod，whohathmadethemall。Forinhimdotherighteousdelightandheisthesweetnessoftheuprightinheart。

11。When，therefore，weinquirewhyacrimewascommitted，wedonotaccepttheexplanationunlessitappearsthattherewasthedesiretoobtainsomeofthosevalueswhichwedesignateinferior，orelseafearoflosingthem。Fortrulytheyarebeautifulandcomely，thoughincomparisonwiththesuperiorandcelestialgoodstheyareabjectandcontemptible。Amanhasmurderedanotherman——whatwashismotive？Eitherhedesiredhiswifeorhispropertyorelsehewouldstealtosupporthimself；orelsehewasafraidoflosingsomethingtohim；orelse，havingbeeninjured，hewasburningtoberevenged。Wouldamancommitmurderwithoutamotive，takingdelightsimplyintheactofmurder？Whowouldbelievesuchathing？Evenforthatsavageandbrutalman[Catiline]，ofwhomitwassaidthathewasgratuitouslywickedandcruel，thereisstillamotiveassignedtohisdeeds。”Lestthroughidleness，”hesays，”handorheartshouldgrowinactive。”[52]Andtowhatpurpose？Why，eventhis:

that，havingoncegotpossessionofthecitythroughhispracticeofhiswickedways，hemightgainhonors，empire，andwealth，andthusbeexemptfromthefearofthelawsandfromfinancialdifficultiesinsupplyingtheneedsofhisfamily——andfromtheconsciousnessofhisownwickedness。SoitseemsthatevenCatilinehimselflovednothisownvillainies，butsomethingelse，anditwasthisthatgavehimthemotiveforhiscrimes。

CHAPTERVI

12。Whatwasitinyou，Otheftofmine，thatI，poorwretch，dotedon——youdeedofdarkness——inthatsixteenthyearofmyage？Beautifulyouwerenot，foryouwereatheft。Butareyouanythingatall，sothatIcouldanalyzethecasewithyou？

Thosepearsthatwestolewerefairtothesightbecausetheywerethycreation，OBeautybeyondcompare，OCreatorofall，OthougoodGod——Godthehighestgoodandmytruegood。[53]Thosepearsweretrulypleasanttothesight，butitwasnotforthemthatmymiserablesoullusted，forIhadanabundanceofbetterpears。IstolethosesimplythatImightsteal，for，havingstolenthem，Ithrewthemaway。Mysolegratificationinthemwasmyownsin，whichIwaspleasedtoenjoy；for，ifanyoneofthesepearsenteredmymouth，theonlygoodflavorithadwasmysinineatingit。Andnow，OLordmyGod，Iaskwhatitwasinthattheftofminethatcausedmesuchdelight；forbeholdithadnobeautyofitsown——certainlynotthesortofbeautythatexistsinjusticeandwisdom，norsuchasisinthemind，memorysenses，andtheanimallifeofman；noryetthekindthatisthegloryandbeautyofthestarsintheircourses；northebeautyoftheearth，orthesea——teemingwithspawninglife，replacinginbirththatwhichdiesanddecays。Indeed，itdidnothavethatfalseandshadowybeautywhichattendsthedeceptionsofvice。

13。Forthusweseepridewearingthemaskofhigh-

spiritedness，althoughonlythou，OGod，arthighaboveall。

Ambitionseekshonorandglory，whereasonlythoushouldstbehonoredaboveall，andglorifiedforever。Thepowerfulmanseekstobefeared，becauseofhiscruelty；butwhooughtreallytobefearedbutGodonly？Whatcanbeforcedawayorwithdrawnoutofhispower——whenorwhereorwhitherorbywhom？Theenticementsofthewantonclaimthenameoflove；andyetnothingismoreenticingthanthylove，norisanythinglovedmorehealthfullythanthytruth，brightandbeautifulaboveall。Curiositypromptsadesireforknowledge，whereasitisonlythouwhoknowestallthingssupremely。Indeed，ignoranceandfoolishnessthemselvesgomaskedunderthenamesofsimplicityandinnocence；yetthereisnobeingthathastruesimplicitylikethine，andnoneisinnocentasthouart。Thusitisthatbyasinner’sowndeedsheishimselfharmed。Humanslothpretendstolongforrest，butwhatsurerestistheresaveintheLord？Luxurywouldfainbecalledplentyandabundance；butthouartthefullnessandunfailingabundanceofunfadingjoy。Prodigalitypresentsashowofliberality；butthouartthemostlavishgiverofallgoodthings。

Covetousnessdesirestopossessmuch；butthouartalreadythepossessorofallthings。Envycontendsthatitsaimisforexcellence；butwhatissoexcellentasthou？Angerseeksrevenge；butwhoavengesmorejustlythanthou？Fearrecoilsattheunfamiliarandthesuddenchangeswhichthreatenthingsbeloved，andiswaryforitsownsecurity；butwhatcanhappenthatisunfamiliarorsuddentothee？Orwhocandeprivetheeofwhatthoulovest？Where，really，isthereunshakensecuritysavewiththee？Grieflanguishesforthingslostinwhichdesirehadtakendelight，becauseitwillstohavenothingtakenfromit，justasnothingcanbetakenfromthee。

14。Thusthesoulcommitsfornicationwhensheisturnedfromthee，[54]andseeksapartfromtheewhatshecannotfindpureanduntainteduntilshereturnstothee。Allthingsthusimitatethee——butpervertedly——whentheyseparatethemselvesfarfromtheeandraisethemselvesupagainstthee。But，eveninthisactofperverseimitation，theyacknowledgetheetobetheCreatorofallnature，andrecognizethatthereisnoplacewhithertheycanaltogetherseparatethemselvesfromthee。Whatwasit，then，thatIlovedinthattheft？AndwhereinwasIimitatingmyLord，eveninacorruptedandpervertedway？DidIwish，ifonlybygesture，torebelagainstthylaw，eventhoughIhadnopowertodosoactually——sothat，evenasacaptive，Imightproduceasortofcounterfeitliberty，bydoingwithimpunitydeedsthatwereforbidden，inadeludedsenseofomnipotence？Beholdthisservantofthine，fleeingfromhisLordandfollowingashadow！O

rottenness！Omonstrousnessoflifeandabyssofdeath！CouldI

findpleasureonlyinwhatwasunlawful，andonlybecauseitwasunlawful？

CHAPTERVII

15。”WhatshallIrenderuntotheLord”[55]forthefactthatwhilemymemoryrecallsthesethingsmysoulnolongerfearsthem？Iwilllovethee，OLord，andthankthee，andconfesstothyname，becausethouhastputawayfrommesuchwickedandevildeeds。TothygraceIattributeitandtothymercy，thatthouhastmeltedawaymysinasifitwereice。TothygracealsoI

attributewhatsoeverofevilIdid_not_commit——forwhatmightInothavedone，lovingsinasIdid，justforthesakeofsinning？Yea，allthesinsthatIconfessnowtohavebeenforgivenme，boththosewhichIcommittedwillfullyandthosewhich，bythyprovidence，Ididnotcommit。Whatmanistherewho，whenreflectinguponhisowninfirmity，darestoascribehischastityandinnocencetohisownpowers，sothatheshouldlovetheeless——asifhewereinlessneedofthymercyinwhichthouforgivestthetransgressionsofthosethatreturntothee？Asforthatmanwho，whencalledbythee，obeyedthyvoiceandshunnedthosethingswhichheherereadsofmeasIrecallandconfessthemofmyself，lethimnotdespiseme——forI，whowassick，havebeenhealedbythesamePhysicianbywhoseaiditwasthathedidnotfallsick，orratherwaslesssickthanI。Andforthislethimlovetheejustasmuch——indeed，allthemore——sinceheseesmerestoredfromsuchagreatweaknessofsinbytheselfsameSaviourbywhomheseeshimselfpreservedfromsuchaweakness。

CHAPTERVIII

16。WhatprofitdidI，awretchedone，receivefromthosethingswhich，whenIrememberthemnow，causemeshame——aboveall，fromthattheft，whichIlovedonlyforthetheft’ssake？

And，asthetheftitselfwasnothing，IwasallthemorewretchedinthatIloveditso。YetbymyselfaloneIwouldnothavedoneit——IstillrecallhowIfeltaboutthisthen——Icouldnothavedoneitalone。IloveditthenbecauseofthecompanionshipofmyaccompliceswithwhomIdidit。Ididnot，therefore，lovethetheftalone——yet，indeed，itwasonlythetheftthatI

loved，forthecompanionshipwasnothing。Whatisthisparadox？

WhoisitthatcanexplainittomebutGod，whoilluminesmyheartandsearchesoutthedarkcornersthereof？Whatisitthathaspromptedmymindtoinquireaboutit，todiscussandtoreflectuponallthis？ForhadIatthattimelovedthepearsthatIstoleandwishedtoenjoythem，Imighthavedonesoalone，ifIcouldhavebeensatisfiedwiththemereactoftheftbywhichmypleasurewasserved。NordidIneedtohavethatitchingofmyownpassionsinflamedbytheencouragementofmyaccomplices。ButsincethepleasureIgotwasnotfromthepears，itwasinthecrimeitself，enhancedbythecompanionshipofmyfellowsinners。