第17章
Athickmilkymisthungoverthetown。SvidrigailovwalkedalongtheslipperydirtywoodenpavementtowardstheLittleNeva。HewaspicturingthewatersoftheLittleNevaswolleninthenight,PetrovskyIsland,thewetpaths,thewetgrass,thewettreesandbushesandatlastthebush……Hebeganill-humouredlystaringatthehouses,tryingtothinkofsomethingelse。Therewasnotacabmanorapasser-byinthestreet。Thebrightyellow,wooden,littlehouseslookeddirtyanddejectedwiththeirclosedshutters。Thecoldanddamppenetratedhiswholebodyandhebegantoshiver。Fromtimetotimehecameacrossshopsignsandreadeachcarefully。Atlasthereachedtheendofthewoodenpavementandcametoabigstonehouse。Adirty,shiveringdogcrossedhispathwithitstailbetweenitslegs。Amaninagreatcoatlayfacedownwards;deaddrunk,acrossthepavement。Helookedathimandwenton。Ahightowerstoodupontheleft。“Bah！”heshouted,“hereisaplace。WhyshoulditbePetrovsky?Itwillbeinthepresenceofanofficialwitnessanyway……“
Healmostsmiledatthisnewthoughtandturnedintothestreetwheretherewasthebighousewiththetower。Atthegreatclosedgatesofthehouse,alittlemanstoodwithhisshoulderleaningagainstthem,wrappedinagreysoldier"scoat,withacopperAchilleshelmetonhishead。HecastadrowsyandindifferentglanceatSvidrigailov。Hisfaceworethatperpetuallookofpeevishdejection,whichissosourlyprintedonallfacesofJewishracewithoutexception。Theyboth,SvidrigailovandAchilles,staredateachotherforafewminuteswithoutspeaking。AtlastitstruckAchillesasirregularforamannotdrunktobestandingthreestepsfromhim,staringandnotsayingaword。
“Whatdoyouwanthere？”hesaid,withoutmovingorchanginghisposition。
“Nothing,brother,goodmorning,“answeredSvidrigailov。
“Thisisn"ttheplace。“
“Iamgoingtoforeignparts,brother。“
“Toforeignparts？”
“ToAmerica。“
“America。“
Svidrigailovtookouttherevolverandcockedit。Achillesraisedhiseyebrows。
“Isay,thisisnottheplaceforsuchjokes！”
“Whyshouldn"titbetheplace？”
“Becauseitisn"t。“
“Well,brother,Idon"tmindthat。It"sagoodplace。Whenyouareasked,youjustsayhewasgoing,hesaid,toAmerica。“
Heputtherevolvertohisrighttemple。
“Youcan"tdoithere,it"snottheplace,“criedAchilles,rousinghimself,hiseyesgrowingbiggerandbigger。
Svidrigailovpulledthetrigger。
ChapterSevenTHESAMEday,aboutseveno"clockintheevening,Raskolnikovwasonhiswaytohismother"sandsister"slodging-thelodginginBakaleyev"shousewhichRazumihinhadfoundforthem。Thestairswentupfromthestreet。Raskolnikovwalkedwithlaggingsteps,asthoughstillhesitatingwhethertogoornot。Butnothingwouldhaveturnedhimback：hisdecisionwastaken。
“Besides,itdoesn"tmatter,theystillknownothing,“hethought,“andtheyareusedtothinkingofmeaseccentric。“
Hewasappallinglydressed：hisclothestornanddirty,soakedwithanight"srain。Hisfacewasalmostdistortedfromfatigue,exposure,theinwardconflictthathadlastedfortwenty-fourhours。
Hehadspentallthepreviousnightalone,Godknowswhere。Butanywayhehadreachedadecision。
Heknockedatthedoorwhichwasopenedbyhismother。Douniawasnotathome。Eventheservanthappenedtobeout。AtfirstPulcheriaAlexandrovnawasspeechlesswithjoyandsurprise;thenshetookhimbythehandanddrewhimintotheroom。
“Hereyouare！”shebegan,falteringwithjoy。“Don"tbeangrywithme,Rodya,forwelcomingyousofoolishlywithtears：Iamlaughingnotcrying。DidyouthinkIwascrying?No,Iamdelighted,butI"vegotintosuchastupidhabitofsheddingtears。I"vebeenlikethateversinceyourfather"sdeath。Icryforanything。Sitdown,dearboy,youmustbetired;Iseeyouare。Ah,howmuddyyouare。“
“Iwasintherainyesterday,mother……“Raskolnikovbegan。
“No,no,“PulcheriaAlexandrovnahurriedlyinterrupted,“youthoughtIwasgoingtocross-questionyouinthewomanishwayIusedto;don"tbeanxious,Iunderstand,Iunderstanditall：nowI"velearnedthewayshereantrulyIseeformyselfthattheyarebetter。I"vemadeupmymindonceforall：howcouldIunderstandyourplansandexpectyoutogiveanaccountofthem?Godknowswhatconcernsandplansyoumayhave,orwhatideasyouarehatching;soit"snotformetokeepnudgingyourelbow,askingyouwhatyouarethinkingabout。But,mygoodness!whyamIrunningtoandfroasthoughIwerecrazy……?I
amreadingyourarticleinthemagazineforthethirdtime,Rodya。
DmitriProkofitchbroughtittome。DirectlyIsawitIcriedouttomyself,there,foolishone,Ithought,that"swhatheisbusyabout;
that"sthesolutionofthemystery!Learnedpeoplearealwayslikethat。Hemayhavesomenewideasinhisheadjustnow;heisthinkingthemoverandIworryhimandupsethim。Ireadit,mydear,andofcoursetherewasagreatdealIdidnotunderstand;butthat"sonlynatural-howshouldI？”
“Showme,mother。“
Raskolnikovtookthemagazineandglancedathisarticle。
Incongruousasitwaswithhismoodandhiscircumstances,hefeltthatstrangeandbittersweetsensationthateveryauthorexperiencesthefirsttimeheseeshimselfinprint;besides,hewasonlytwenty-three。Itlastedonlyamoment。Afterreadingafewlineshefrownedandhisheartthrobbedwithanguish。Herecalledalltheinwardconflictoftheprecedingmonths。Heflungthearticleonthetablewithdisgustandanger。
“But,howeverfoolishImaybe,Rodya,Icanseeformyselfthatyouwillverysoonbeoneoftheleading-ifnottheleadingman-intheworldofRussianthought。Andtheydaredtothinkyouweremad!Youdon"tknow,buttheyreallythoughtthat。Ah,thedespicablecreatures,howcouldtheyunderstandgenius!AndDounia,Douniawasallbutbelievingit-whatdoyousaytothat!Yourfathersenttwicetomagazines-thefirsttimepoems(I"vegotthemanuscriptandwillshowyou)andthesecondtimeawholenovel(Ibeggedhimtoletmecopyitout)andhowweprayedthattheyshouldbetaken-
theyweren"t!Iwasbreakingmyheart,Rodya,sixorsevendaysagooveryourfoodandyourclothesandthewayyouareliving。ButnowIseeagainhowfoolishIwas,foryoucanattainanypositionyoulikebyyourintellectandtalent。Nodoubtyoudon"tcareaboutthatforthepresentandyouareoccupiedwithmuchmoreimportantmatters……“
“Dounia"snotathome,mother？”
“No,Rodya。Ioftendon"tseeher;sheleavesmealone。DmitriProkofitchcomestoseeme,it"ssogoodofhim,andhealwaystalksaboutyou。Helovesyouandrespectsyou,mydear。Idon"tsaythatDouniaisverywantinginconsideration。Iamnotcomplaining。ShehasherwaysandIhavemine;sheseemstohavegotsomesecretsoflateandIneverhaveanysecretsfromyoutwo。Ofcourse,IamsurethatDouniahasfartoomuchsense,andbesidesshelovesyouandme……butIdon"tknowwhatitwillallleadto。You"vemademesohappybycomingnow,Rodya,butshehasmissedyoubygoingout;whenshecomesinI"lltellher：yourbrothercameinwhileyouwereout。Wherehaveyoubeenallthistime?Youmustn"tspoilme,Rodya,youknow;
comewhenyoucan,butifyoucan"t,itdoesn"tmatter,Icanwait。
Ishallknow,anyway,thatyouarefondofme,thatwillbeenoughforme。Ishallreadwhatyouwrite,Ishallhearaboutyoufromeveryone,andsometimesyou"llcomeyourselftoseeme。Whatcouldbebetter?Hereyou"vecomenowtocomfortyourmother,Iseethat。“
HerePulcheriaAlexandrovnabegantocry。
“HereIamagain!Don"tmindmyfoolishness。Mygoodness,whyamI
sittinghere？”shecried,jumpingup。“ThereiscoffeeandIdon"tofferyouany。Ah,that"stheselfishnessofoldage。I"llgetitatonce！”
“Mother,don"ttrouble,Iamgoingatonce。Ihaven"tcomeforthat。
Pleaselistentome。“
PulcheriaAlexandrovnawentuptohimtimidly。
“Mother,whateverhappens,whateveryouhearaboutme,whateveryouaretoldaboutme,willyoualwayslovemeasyoudonow？”heaskedsuddenlyfromthefulnessofhisheart,asthoughnotthinkingofhiswordsandnotweighingthem。
“Rodya,Rodya,whatisthematter?Howcanyouaskmesuchaquestion?Why,whowilltellmeanythingaboutyou?Besides,I
shouldn"tbelieveanyone,Ishouldrefusetolisten。“
“I"vecometoassureyouthatI"vealwayslovedyouandIamgladthatwearealone,evengladDouniaisout,“hewentonwiththesameimpulse。“Ihavecometotellyouthatthoughyouwillbeunhappy,youmustbelievethatyoursonlovesyounowmorethanhimself,andthatallyouthoughtaboutme,thatIwascruelanddidn"tcareaboutyou,wasallamistake。Ishallneverceasetoloveyou……Well,that"senough：IthoughtImustdothisandbeginwiththis……“
PulcheriaAlexandrovnaembracedhiminsilence,pressinghimtoherbosomandweepinggently。
“Idon"tknowwhatiswrongwithyou,Rodya,“shesaidatlast。
“I"vebeenthinkingallthistimethatweweresimplyboringyouandnowIseethatthereisagreatsorrowinstoreforyou,andthat"swhyyouaremiserable。I"veforeseenitalongtime,Rodya。Forgivemeforspeakingaboutit。Ikeepthinkingaboutitandlieawakeatnights。Yoursisterlaytalkinginhersleepalllastnight,talkingofnothingbutyou。Icaughtsomething,butIcouldn"tmakeitout。
IfeltallthemorningasthoughIweregoingtobehanged,waitingforsomething,expectingsomething,andnowithascome!Rodya,Rodya,whereareyougoing?Youaregoingawaysomewhere？”
“Yes。“
“That"swhatIthought!Icancomewithyou,youknow,ifyouneedme。AndDounia,too;shelovesyou,shelovesyoudearly-andSofyaSemyonovnamaycomewithusifyoulike。Yousee,Iamgladtolookuponherasadaughtereven……DmitriProkofitchwillhelpustogotogether。But……where……areyougoing？”
“Good-bye,mother。“
“What,to-day？”shecried,asthoughlosinghimforever。
“Ican"tstay,Imustgonow……“
“Andcan"tIcomewithyou？”
“No,butkneeldownandpraytoGodforme。YourprayerperhapswillreachHim。“
“Letmeblessyouandsignyouwiththecross。That"sright,that"sright。Oh,God,whatarewedoing？”
Yes,hewasglad,hewasverygladthattherewasnoonethere,thathewasalonewithhismother。Forthefirsttimeafterallthoseawfulmonthshisheartwassoftened。Hefelldownbeforeher,hekissedherfeetandbothwept,embracing。Andshewasnotsurprisedanddidnotquestionhimthistime。Forsomedaysshehadrealisedthatsomethingawfulwashappeningtohersonandthatnowsometerribleminutehadcomeforhim。
“Rodya,mydarling,myfirstborn,“shesaidsobbing,“nowyouarejustaswhenyouwerelittle。Youwouldrunlikethistomeandhugmeandkissme。Whenyourfatherwaslivingandwewerepoor,youcomfortedussimplybybeingwithusandwhenIburiedyourfather,howoftenwewepttogetherathisgraveandembraced,asnow。AndifI"vebeencryinglately,it"sthatmymother"shearthadaforebodingoftrouble。ThefirsttimeIsawyou,thateveningyouremember,assoonaswearrivedhere,Iguessedsimplyfromyoureyes。
Myheartsankatonce,andto-daywhenIopenedthedoorandlookedatyou,Ithoughtthefatalhourhadcome。Rodya,Rodya,youarenotgoingawayto-day？”
“No！”
“You"llcomeagain？”
“Yes……I"llcome。“
“Rodya,don"tbeangry,Idon"tdaretoquestionyou。IknowI
mustn"t。Onlysaytwowordstome-isitfarwhereyouaregoing？”
“Veryfar。“
“Whatisawaitingyouthere?Somepostorcareerforyou？”
“WhatGodsends……onlyprayforme。“Raskolnikovwenttothedoor,butsheclutchedhimandgazeddespairinglyintohiseyes。Herfaceworkedwithterror。
“Enough,mother,“saidRaskolnikov,deeplyregrettingthathehadcome。
“Notforever,it"snotyetforever?You"llcome,you"llcometo-morrow？”
“Iwill,Iwill,good-bye。“Hetorehimselfawayatlast。
Itwasawarm,fresh,brightevening;ithadclearedupinthemorning。Raskolnikovwenttohislodgings;hemadehaste。Hewantedtofinishallbeforesunset。Hedidnotwanttomeetanyonetillthen。
GoingupthestairshenoticedthatNastasyarushedfromthesamovartowatchhimintently。“Cananyonehavecometoseeme？”hewondered。
HehadadisgustedvisionofPorfiry。ButopeninghisdoorhesawDounia。Shewassittingalone,plungedindeepthought,andlookedasthoughshehadbeenwaitingalongtime。Hestoppedshortinthedoorway。Sherosefromthesofaindismayandstoodupfacinghim。Hereyesfixeduponhim,betrayedhorrorandinfinitegrief。Andfromthoseeyesalonehesawatoncethatsheknew。
“AmItocomeinorgoaway？”heaskeduncertainly。
“I"vebeenalldaywithSofyaSemyonovna。Wewerebothwaitingforyou。Wethoughtthatyouwouldbesuretocomethere。“
Raskolnikovwentintotheroomandsankexhaustedonachair。
“Ifeelweak,Dounia,Iamverytired;andIshouldhavelikedatthismomenttobeabletocontrolmyself。“
Heglancedathermistrustfully。
“Wherewereyouallnight？”
“Idon"trememberclearly。Yousee,sister,Iwantedtomakeupmymindonceforall,andseveraltimesIwalkedbytheNeva,I
rememberthatIwantedtoenditallthere,but……Icouldn"tmakeupmymind,“hewhispered,lookingathermistrustfullyagain。
“ThankGod!Thatwasjustwhatwewereafraidof,SofyaSemyonovnaandI。Thenyoustillhavefaithinlife?ThankGod,thankGod！”
Raskolnikovsmiledbitterly。
“Ihaven"tfaith,butIhavejustbeenweepinginmother"sarms;I
haven"tfaith,butIhavejustaskedhertoprayforme。Idon"tknowhowitis,Dounia,Idon"tunderstandit。“
“Haveyoubeenatmother"s?Haveyoutoldher？”criedDounia,horror-stricken。“Surelyyouhaven"tdonethat？”
“No,Ididn"ttellher……inwords;butsheunderstoodagreatdeal。
Sheheardyoutalkinginyoursleep。Iamsureshehalfunderstandsitalready。PerhapsIdidwrongingoingtoseeher。Idon"tknowwhyI
didgo。Iamacontemptibleperson,Dounia。“
“Acontemptibleperson,butreadytofacesuffering!Youare,aren"tyou？”
“Yes,Iamgoing。Atonce。Yes,toescapethedisgraceIthoughtofdrowningmyself,Dounia,butasIlookedintothewater,I
thoughtthatifIhadconsideredmyselfstrongtillnowI"dbetternotbeafraidofdisgrace,“hesaid,hurryingon。“It"spride,Dounia。“
“Pride,Rodya。“
Therewasagleamoffireinhislustrelesseyes;heseemedtobegladtothinkthathewasstillproud。
“Youdon"tthink,sister,thatIwassimplyafraidofthewater？”heasked,lookingintoherfacewithasinistersmile。
“Oh,Rodya,hush！”criedDouniabitterly。Silencelastedfortwominutes。Hesatwithhiseyesfixedonthefloor;Douniastoodattheotherendofthetableandlookedathimwithanguish。Suddenlyhegotup。
“It"slate,it"stimetogo!Iamgoingatoncetogivemyselfup。
ButIdon"tknowwhyIamgoingtogivemyselfup。“
Bigtearsfelldownhercheeks。
“Youarecrying,sister,butcanyouholdoutyourhandtome？”
“Youdoubtedit？”
Shethrewherarmsroundhim。
“Aren"tyouhalfexpiatingyourcrimebyfacingthesuffering！”
shecried,holdinghimcloseandkissinghim。
“Crime?Whatcrime？”hecriedinsuddenfury。“ThatIkilledavilenoxiousinsect,anoldpawnbrokerwoman,ofusetonoone!……
Killingherwasatonementforfortysins。Shewassuckingthelifeoutofpoorpeople。Wasthatacrime?IamnotthinkingofitandIamnotthinkingofexpiatingit,andwhyareyouallrubbingitinonallsides?"Acrime!acrime!"OnlynowIseeclearlytheimbecilityofmycowardice,nowthatIhavedecidedtofacethissuperfluousdisgrace。It"ssimplybecauseIamcontemptibleandhavenothinginmethatIhavedecidedto,perhapstooformyadvantage,asthat……
Porfiry……suggested！”
“Brother,brother,whatareyousaying!Why,youhaveshedblood！”
criedDouniaindespair。
“Whichallmenshed,“heputinalmostfrantically,“whichflowsandhasalwaysflowedinstreams,whichisspiltlikechampagne,andforwhichmenarecrownedintheCapitolandarecalledafterwardsbenefactorsofmankind。Lookintoitmorecarefullyandunderstandit!
Itoowantedtodogoodtomenandwouldhavedonehundreds,thousandsofgooddeedstomakeupforthatonepieceofstupidity,notstupidityeven,simplyclumsiness,fortheideawasbynomeanssostupidasitseemsnowthatithasfailed……(Everythingseemsstupidwhenitfails。)BythatstupidityIonlywantedtoputmyselfintoanindependentposition,totakethefirststep,toobtainmeans,andtheneverythingwouldhavebeensmoothedoverbybenefitsimmeasurableincomparison……ButI……Icouldn"tcarryouteventhefirststep,becauseIamcontemptible,that"swhat"sthematter!
AndyetIwon"tlookatitasyoudo。IfIhadsucceededIshouldhavebeencrownedwithglory,butnowI"mtrapped。“
“Butthat"snotso,notso!Brother,whatareyousaying。“
“Ah,it"snotpicturesque,notaestheticallyattractive!Ifailtounderstandwhybombardingpeoplebyregularsiegeismorehonourable。Thefearofappearancesisthefirstsymptomofimpotence。
I"venever,neverrecognisedthismoreclearlythannow,andIamfurtherthaneverfromseeingthatwhatIdidwasacrime。I"venever,neverbeenstrongerandmoreconvincedthannow。“
Thecolourhadrushedintohispaleexhaustedface,butasheutteredhislastexplanation,hehappenedtomeetDounia"seyesandhesawsuchanguishinthemthathecouldnothelpbeingchecked。Hefeltthathehadanywaymadethesetwopoorwomenmiserable,thathewasanywaythecause……
“Douniadarling,ifIamguiltyforgiveme(thoughIcannotbeforgivenifIamguilty)。Good-bye!Wewon"tdispute。It"stime,hightimetogo。Don"tfollowme,Ibeseechyou,Ihavesomewhereelsetogo……Butyougoatonceandsitwithmother。Ientreatyouto!
It"smylastrequestofyou。Don"tleaveheratall;Ileftherinastateofanxiety,thatsheisnotfittobear;shewilldieorgooutofhermind。Bewithher!Razumihinwillbewithyou。I"vebeentalkingtohim……Don"tcryaboutme：I"lltrytobehonestandmanlyallmylife,evenifIamamurderer。PerhapsIshallsomedaymakeaname。Iwon"tdisgraceyou,youwillsee;I"llstillshow……Nowgood-byeforthepresent,“heconcludedhurriedly,noticingagainastrangeexpressioninDounia"seyesathislastwordsandpromises。
“Whyareyoucrying?Don"tcry,don"tcry：wearenotpartingforever!Ah,yes!Waitaminute,I"dforgotten！”
Hewenttothetable,tookupathickdustybook,openeditandtookfrombetweenthepagesalittlewater-colourportraitonivory。Itwastheportraitofhislandlady"sdaughter,whohaddiedoffever,thatstrangegirlwhohadwantedtobeanun。Foraminutehegazedatthedelicateexpressivefaceofhisbetrothed,kissedtheportraitandgaveittoDounia。
“Iusedtotalkagreatdealaboutittoher,onlytoher,“hesaidthoughtfully。“ToherheartIconfidedmuchofwhathassincebeensohideouslyrealised。Don"tbeuneasy,“hereturnedtoDounia,“shewasasmuchopposedtoitasyou,andIamgladthatsheisgone。Thegreatpointisthateverythingnowisgoingtobedifferent,isgoingtobebrokenintwo,“hecried,suddenlyreturningtohisdejection。
“Everything,everything,andamIpreparedforit?DoIwantitmyself?Theysayitisnecessaryformetosuffer!What"stheobjectofthesesenselesssufferings?shallIknowanybetterwhattheyarefor,whenIamcrushedbyhardshipsandidiocy,andweakasanoldmanaftertwentyyears"penalservitude?AndwhatshallIhavetoliveforthen?WhyamIconsentingtothatlifenow?Oh,IknewIwascontemptiblewhenIstoodlookingattheNevaatdaybreakto-day！”
Atlasttheybothwentout。ItwashardforDounia,butshelovedhim。Shewalkedaway,butaftergoingfiftypacessheturnedroundtolookathimagain。Hewasstillinsight。Atthecornerhetooturnedandforthelasttimetheireyesmet;butnoticingthatshewaslookingathim,hemotionedherawaywithimpatienceandevenvexation,andturnedthecornerabruptly。
“Iamwicked,Iseethat,“hethoughttohimself,feelingashamedamomentlaterofhisangrygesturetoDounia。“ButwhyaretheysofondofmeifIdon"tdeserveit?Oh,ifonlyIwerealoneandnoonelovedmeandItoohadneverlovedanyone!Nothingofallthiswouldhavehappened。ButIwondershallIinthosefifteenortwentyyearsgrowsomeekthatIshallhumblemyselfbeforepeopleandwhimperateverywordthatIamacriminal。Yes,that"sit,that"sit,that"swhattheyaresendingmetherefor,that"swhattheywant。Lookatthemrunningtoandfroaboutthestreets,everyoneofthemascoundrelandacriminalatheartand,worsestill,anidiot。Buttrytogetmeoffandthey"dbewildwithrighteousindignation。Oh,howIhatethemall！”
Hefelltomusingbywhatprocessitcouldcometopass,thathecouldbehumbledbeforeallofthem,indiscriminately-humbledbyconviction。Andyetwhynot?Itmustbeso。Wouldnottwentyyearsofcontinualbondagecrushhimutterly?Waterwearsoutastone。Andwhy,whyshouldheliveafterthat?Whyshouldhegonowwhenheknewthatitwouldbeso?Itwasthehundredthtimeperhapsthathehadaskedhimselfthatquestionsincethepreviousevening,butstillhewent。
ChapterEightWHENHEwentintoSonia"sroom,itwasalreadygettingdark。AlldaySoniahadbeenwaitingforhiminterribleanxiety。Douniahadbeenwaitingwithher。Shehadcometoherthatmorning,rememberingSvidrigailov"swordsthatSoniaknew。Wewillnotdescribetheconversationandtearsofthetwogirls,andhowfriendlytheybecame。
Douniagainedonecomfortatleastfromthatinterview,thatherbrotherwouldnotbealone。Hehadgonetoher,Sonia,firstwithhisconfession;hehadgonetoherforhumanfellowshipwhenheneededit;shewouldgowithhimwhereverfatemightsendhim。Douniadidnotask,butsheknewitwasso。ShelookedatSoniaalmostwithreverenceandatfirstalmostembarrassedherbyit。Soniawasalmostonthepointoftears。Shefeltherself,onthecontrary,hardlyworthytolookatDounia。Dounia"sgraciousimagewhenshehadbowedtohersoattentivelyandrespectfullyattheirfirstmeetinginRaskolnikov"sroomhadremainedinhermindasoneofthefairestvisionsofherlife。
Douniaatlastbecameimpatientand,leavingSonia,wenttoherbrother"sroomtoawaithimthere;shekeptthinkingthathewouldcometherefirst。Whenshehadgone,Soniabegantobetorturedbythedreadofhiscommittingsuicide,andDouniatoofearedit。Buttheyhadspentthedaytryingtopersuadeeachotherthatthatcouldnotbe,andbothwerelessanxiouswhiletheyweretogether。Assoonastheyparted,eachthoughtofnothingelse。SoniarememberedhowSvidrigailovhadsaidtoherthedaybeforethatRaskolnikovhadtwoalternatives-Siberiaor……Besidessheknewhisvanity,hisprideandhislackoffaith。
“Isitpossiblethathehasnothingbutcowardiceandfearofdeathtomakehimlive？”shethoughtatlastindespair。
Meanwhilethesunwassetting。Soniawasstandingindejection,lookingintentlyoutofthewindow,butfromitshecouldseenothingbuttheunwhitewashedblankwallofthenexthouse。Atlastwhenshebegantofeelsureofhisdeath-hewalkedintotheroom。
Shegaveacryofjoy,butlookingcarefullyintohisfacesheturnedpale。
“Yes,“saidRaskolnikov,smiling。“Ihavecomeforyourcross,Sonia。Itwasyoutoldmetogotothecrossroads;whyisityouarefrightenednowit"scometothat？”
Soniagazedathimastonished。Histoneseemedstrangetoher;acoldshiverranoverher,butinamomentsheguessedthatthetoneandthewordswereamask。Hespoketoherlookingaway,asthoughtoavoidmeetinghereyes。
“Yousee,Sonia,I"vedecidedthatitwillbebetterso。Thereisonefact……Butit"salongstoryandthere"snoneedtodiscussit。Butdoyouknowwhatangersme?Itannoysmethatallthosestupidbrutishfaceswillbegapingatmedirectly,pesteringmewiththeirstupidquestions,whichIshallhavetoanswer-they"llpointtheirfingersatme……Tfoo!YouknowIamnotgoingtoPorfiry,Iamsickofhim。I"drathergotomyfriend,theExplosiveLieutenant;howIshallsurprisehim,whatasensationIshallmake!ButImustbecooler;I"vebecometooirritableoflate。YouknowIwasnearlyshakingmyfistatmysisterjustnow,becausesheturnedtotakealastlookatme。It"sabrutalstatetobein!Ah!whatamIcomingto!Well,wherearethecrosses？”
Heseemedhardlytoknowwhathewasdoing。Hecouldnotstaystillorconcentratehisattentiononanything;hisideasseemedtogallopafteroneanother,hetalkedincoherently,hishandstrembledslightly。
WithoutawordSoniatookoutofthedrawertwocrosses,oneofcypresswoodandoneofcopper。Shemadethesignofthecrossoverherselfandoverhim,andputthewoodencrossonhisneck。
“It"sthesymbolofmytakingupthecross,“helaughed。“AsthoughIhadnotsufferedmuchtillnow!Thewoodencross,thatisthepeasantone;thecopperone,thatisLizaveta"s-youwillwearyourself,showme!Soshehaditon……atthatmoment?Iremembertwothingslikethesetoo,asilveroneandalittleikon。Ithrewthembackontheoldwoman"sneck。Thosewouldbeappropriatenow,really,thosearewhatIoughttoputonnow……ButIamtalkingnonsenseandforgettingwhatmatters;I"msomehowforgetful……YouseeIhavecometowarnyou,Sonia,sothatyoumightknow……that"sall-that"sallIcamefor。ButIthoughtIhadmoretosay。Youwantedmetogoyourself。Well,nowIamgoingtoprisonandyou"llhaveyourwish。Well,whatareyoucryingfor?Youtoo?Don"t。Leaveoff!Oh,howIhateitall！”
Buthisfeelingwasstirred;hisheartached,ashelookedather。
“Whyisshegrievingtoo？”hethoughttohimself。“WhatamItoher?
Whydoessheweep?Whyisshelookingafterme,likemymotherorDounia?She"llbemynurse。“
“Crossyourself,sayatleastoneprayer,“Soniabeggedinatimidbrokenvoice。
“Ohcertainly,asmuchasyoulike!Andsincerely,Sonia,sincerely……“
Buthewantedtosaysomethingquitedifferent。
Hecrossedhimselfseveraltimes。Soniatookuphershawlandputitoverherhead。ItwasthegreendrapdedamesshawlofwhichMarmeladovhadspoken,“thefamilyshawl。“Raskolnikovthoughtofthatlookingatit,buthedidnotask。Hebegantofeelhimselfthathewascertainlyforgettingthingsandwasdisgustinglyagitated。Hewasfrightenedatthis。HewassuddenlystrucktoobythethoughtthatSoniameanttogowithhim。
“Whatareyoudoing?Whereareyougoing?Stayhere,stay!I"llgoalone,“hecriedincowardlyvexation,andalmostresentful,hemovedtowardsthedoor。“What"stheuseofgoinginprocession！”hemutteredgoingout。
Soniaremainedstandinginthemiddleoftheroom。Hehadnotevensaidgood-byetoher;hehadforgottenher。Apoignantandrebelliousdoubtsurgedinhisheart。
“Wasitright,wasitright,allthis？”hethoughtagainashewentdownthestairs。“Couldn"thestopandretractitall……andnotgo？”
Butstillhewent。Hefeltsuddenlyonceforallthathemustn"taskhimselfquestions。Asheturnedintothestreetherememberedthathehadnotsaidgood-byetoSonia,thathehadleftherinthemiddleoftheroominhergreenshawl,notdaringtostirafterhehadshoutedather,andhestoppedshortforamoment。Atthesameinstant,anotherthoughtdawneduponhim,asthoughithadbeenlyinginwaittostrikehimthen。
“Why,withwhatobjectdidIgotoherjustnow?Itoldher-onbusiness;onwhatbusiness?Ihadnosortofbusiness!TotellherI
wasgoing;butwherewastheneed?DoIloveher?No,no,Idroveherawayjustnowlikeadog。DidIwanthercrosses?Oh,howlowI"vesunk!No,Iwantedhertears,Iwantedtoseeherterror,toseehowherheartached!Ihadtohavesomethingtoclingto,somethingtodelayme,somefriendlyfacetosee!AndIdaredtobelieveinmyself,todreamofwhatIwoulddo!Iamabeggarlycontemptiblewretch,contemptible！”
Hewalkedalongthecanalbank,andhehadnotmuchfurthertogo。
ButonreachingthebridgehestoppedandturningoutofhiswayalongitwenttotheHayMarket。
Helookedeagerlytorightandleft,gazedintentlyateveryobjectandcouldnotfixhisattentiononanything;everythingslippedaway。“Inanotherweek,anothermonthIshallbedriveninaprisonvanoverthisbridge,howshallIlookatthecanalthen?Ishouldliketorememberthis！”slippedintohismind。“Lookatthissign!HowshallIreadthoselettersthen?It"swrittenhere"Campany,"that"sathingtoremember,thatlettera,andtolookatitagaininamonth-howshallIlookatitthen?WhatshallIbefeelingandthinkingthen?……Howtrivialitallmustbe,whatIamfrettingaboutnow!Ofcourseitmustallbeinteresting……initsway……
(Ha-ha-ha!WhatamIthinkingabout?)Iambecomingababy,Iamshowingofftomyself;whyamIashamed?Foo,howpeopleshove!thatfatman-aGermanhemustbe-whopushedagainstme,doesheknowwhomhepushed?There"sapeasantwomanwithababy,begging。It"scuriousthatshethinksmehappierthansheis。Imightgivehersomething,fortheincongruityofit。Here"safivecopeckpieceleftinmypocket,wheredidIgetit?Here,here……takeit,mygoodwoman！”
“Godblessyou,“thebeggarchantedinalachrymosevoice。
HewentintotheHayMarket。Itwasdistasteful,verydistastefultobeinacrowd,buthewalkedjustwherehesawmostpeople。Hewouldhavegivenanythingintheworldtobealone;butheknewhimselfthathewouldnothaveremainedaloneforamoment。Therewasamandrunkanddisorderlyinthecrowd;hekepttryingtodanceandfallingdown。
Therewasaringroundhim。Raskolnikovsqueezedhiswaythroughthecrowd,staredforsomeminutesatthedrunkenmanandsuddenlygaveashortjerkylaugh。Aminutelaterhehadforgottenhimanddidnotseehim,thoughhestillstared。Hemovedawayatlast,notrememberingwherehewas;butwhenhegotintothemiddleofthesquareanemotionsuddenlycameoverhim,overwhelminghimbodyandmind。
HesuddenlyrecalledSonia"swords,“Gotothecrossroads,bowdowntothepeople,kisstheearth,foryouhavesinnedagainstittoo,andsayaloudtothewholeworld,"Iamamurderer。"“Hetrembled,rememberingthat。Andthehopelessmiseryandanxietyofallthattime,especiallyofthelasthours,hadweighedsoheavilyuponhimthathepositivelyclutchedatthechanceofthisnewunmixed,completesensation。Itcameoverhimlikeafit;itwaslikeasinglesparkkindledinhissoulandspreadingfirethroughhim。
Everythinginhimsoftenedatonceandthetearsstartedintohiseyes。Hefelltotheearthonthespot……
Hekneltdowninthemiddleofthesquare,boweddowntotheearth,andkissedthatfilthyearthwithblissandrapture。Hegotupandboweddownasecondtime。
“He"sboozed,“ayouthnearhimobserved。
Therewasaroaroflaughter。
“He"sgoingtoJerusalem,brothers,andsayinggood-byetohischildrenandhiscountry。He"sbowingdowntoalltheworldandkissingthegreatcityofSt。Petersburganditspavement,“addedaworkmanwhowasalittledrunk。
“Quiteayoungman,too！”observedathird。
“Andagentleman,“someoneobservedsoberly。
“There"snoknowingwho"sagentlemanandwhoisn"tnowadays。“
TheseexclamationsandremarkscheckedRaskolnikov,andthewords,“Iamamurderer,“whichwereperhapsonthepointofdroppingfromhislips,diedaway。Heboretheseremarksquietly,however,andwithoutlookinground,heturneddownastreetleadingtothepoliceoffice。Hehadaglimpseofsomethingonthewaywhichdidnotsurprisehim;hehadfeltthatitmustbeso。ThesecondtimeheboweddownintheHayMarket,hesawstandingfiftypacesfromhimontheleftSonia。Shewashidingfromhimbehindoneofthewoodenshantiesinthemarket-place。Shehadfollowedhimthenonhispainfulway!RaskolnikovatthatmomentfeltandknewonceforallthatSoniawaswithhimforeverandwouldfollowhimtotheendsoftheearth,whereverfatemighttakehim。Itwrunghisheart……buthewasjustreachingthefatalplace。
Hewentintotheyardfairlyresolutely。Hehadtomounttothethirdstorey。“Ishallbesometimegoingup,“hethought。Hefeltasthoughthefatefulmomentwasstillfaroff,asthoughhehadplentyoftimeleftforconsideration。
Againthesamerubbish,thesameeggshellslyingaboutonthespiralstairs,againtheopendoorsoftheflats,againthesamekitchensandthesamefumesandstenchcomingfromthem。Raskolnikovhadnotbeenheresincethatday。Hislegswerenumbandgavewayunderhim,butstilltheymovedforward。Hestoppedforamomenttotakebreath,tocollecthimself,soastoenterlikeaman。“Butwhy?whatfor？”hewondered,reflecting。“IfImustdrinkthecupwhatdifferencedoesitmake?Themorerevoltingthebetter。“Heimaginedforaninstantthefigureofthe“explosivelieutenant,“IlyaPetrovitch。Washeactuallygoingtohim?Couldn"thegotosomeoneelse?ToNikodimFomitch?
Couldn"theturnbackandgostraighttoNikodimFomitch"slodgings?
Atleastthenitwouldbedoneprivately……No,no!Tothe“explosivelieutenant“!Ifhemustdrinkit,drinkitoffatonce。
Turningcoldandhardlyconscious,heopenedthedooroftheoffice。
Therewereveryfewpeopleinitthistime-onlyahouseporterandapeasant。Thedoorkeeperdidnotevenpeepoutfrombehindhisscreen。Raskolnikovwalkedintothenextroom。“PerhapsIstillneednotspeak,“passedthroughhismind。Somesortofclerknotwearingauniformwassettlinghimselfatabureautowrite。Inacorneranotherclerkwasseatinghimself。Zametovwasnotthere,nor,ofcourse,NikodimFomitch。
“Noonein？”Raskolnikovasked,addressingthepersonatthebureau。
“Whomdoyouwant？”
“A-ah!Notasoundwasheard,notasightwasseen,butIscenttheRussian……howdoesitgooninthefairytale……I"veforgotten!Atyourservice！”afamiliarvoicecriedsuddenly。
Raskolnikovshuddered。TheExplosiveLieutenantstoodbeforehim。Hehadjustcomeinfromthethirdroom。“Itisthehandoffate,“
thoughtRaskolnikov。“Whyishehere？”
“You"vecometoseeus?Whatabout？”criedIlyaPetrovitch。Hewasobviouslyinanexceedinglygoodhumourandperhapsatrifleexhilarated。“Ifit"sonbusinessyouareratherearly。*It"sonlyachancethatIamhere……howeverI"lldowhatIcan。Imustadmit,I……whatisit,whatisit?Excuseme……“-
*Dostoevskyappearstohaveforgottenthatitisaftersunset,andthatthelasttimeRaskolnikovvisitedthepoliceofficeattwointheafternoon,hewasreproachedforcomingtoolate-
“Raskolnikov。“
“Ofcourse,Raskolnikov。Youdidn"timagineI"dforgotten?Don"tthinkIamlikethat……RodionRo——Ro——Rodionovitch,that"sit,isn"tit？”
“RodionRomanovitch。“
“Yes,yes,ofcourse,RodionRomanovitch!Iwasjustgettingatit。Imademanyinquiriesaboutyou。IassureyouI"vebeengenuinelygrievedsincethat……sinceIbehavedlikethat……itwasexplainedtomeafterwardsthatyouwerealiteraryman……andalearnedonetoo……andsotosaythefirststeps……Mercyonus!
Whatliteraryorscientificmandoesnotbeginbysomeoriginalityofconduct!MywifeandIhavethegreatestrespectforliterature,inmywifeit"sagenuinepassion!Literatureandart!Ifonlyamanisagentleman,alltherestcanbegainedbytalents,learning,goodsense,genius。Asforahat-well,whatdoesahatmatter?IcanbuyahataseasilyasIcanabun;butwhat"sunderthehat,whatthehatcovers,Ican"tbuythat!Iwasevenmeaningtocomeandapologisetoyou,butthoughtmaybeyou"d……ButIamforgettingtoaskyou,isthereanythingyouwantreally?Ihearyourfamilyhavecome？”
“Yes,mymotherandsister。“
“I"veevenhadthehonourandhappinessofmeetingyoursister-ahighlycultivatedandcharmingperson。IconfessIwassorryIgotsohotwithyou。Thereitis!Butasformylookingsuspiciouslyatyourfaintingfit,-thataffairhasbeenclearedupsplendidly!
Bigotryandfanaticism!Iunderstandyourindignation。Perhapsyouarechangingyourlodgingonaccountofyourfamily"sarriving？”
“No,Ionlylookedin……Icametoask……IthoughtthatIshouldfindZametovhere。“
“Oh,yes!Ofcourse,you"vemadefriends,Iheard。Well,no,Zametovisnothere。Yes,we"velostZametov。He"snotbeenheresinceyesterday……hequarrelledwitheveryoneonleaving……intherudestway。Heisafeather-headedyoungster,that"sall;onemighthaveexpectedsomethingfromhim,butthere,youknowwhattheyare,ourbrilliantyoungmen。Hewantedtogoinforsomeexamination,butit"sonlytotalkandboastaboutit,itwillgonofurtherthanthat。Ofcourseit"saverydifferentmatterwithyouorMr。Razumihinthere,yourfriend。Yourcareerisanintellectualoneandyouwon"tbedeterredbyfailure。Foryou,onemaysay,alltheattractionsoflifenihilest-youareanascetic,amonk,ahermit!……Abook,apenbehindyourear,alearnedresearch-that"swhereyourspiritsoars!I
amthesamewaymyself……HaveyoureadLivingstone"sTravels？”
“No。“
“Oh,Ihave。ThereareagreatmanyNihilistsaboutnowadays,youknow,andindeeditisnottobewonderedat。Whatsortofdaysarethey?Iaskyou。Butwethought……youarenotaNihilistofcourse?
Answermeopenly,openly！”
“N-no……“
“Believeme,youcanspeakopenlytomeasyouwouldtoyourself!
Officialdutyisonethingbut……youarethinkingImeanttosayfriendshipisquiteanother?No,you"rewrong!It"snotfriendship,butthefeelingofamanandacitizen,thefeelingofhumanityandoflovefortheAlmighty。Imaybeanofficial,butIamalwaysboundtofeelmyselfamanandacitizen……YouwereaskingaboutZametov。ZametovwillmakeascandalintheFrenchstyleinahouseofbadreputation,overaglassofchampagne……that"sallyourZametovisgoodfor!WhileI"mperhaps,sotospeak,burningwithdevotionandloftyfeelings,andbesidesIhaverank,consequence,apost!Iammarriedandhavechildren,Ifulfilthedutiesofamanandacitizen,butwhoishe,mayIask?Iappealtoyouasamanennobledbyeducation……Thenthesemidwives,too,havebecomeextraordinarilynumerous。“
Raskolnikovraisedhiseyebrowsinquiringly。ThewordsofIlyaPetrovitch,whohadobviouslybeendining,wereforthemostpartastreamofemptysoundsforhim。Butsomeofthemheunderstood。Helookedathiminquiringly,notknowinghowitwouldend。
“Imeanthosecrop-headedwenches,“thetalkativeIlyaPetrovitchcontinued。“Midwivesismynameforthem。Ithinkitaverysatisfactoryone,ha-ha!TheygototheAcademy,studyanatomy。IfI
fallill,amItosendforayoungladytotreatme?Whatdoyousay?Ha-ha！”IlyaPetrovitchlaughed,quitepleasedwithhisownwit。“It"sanimmoderatezealforeducation,butonceyou"reeducated,that"senough。Whyabuseit?Whyinsulthonourablepeople,asthatscoundrelZametovdoes?Whydidheinsultme,Iaskyou?Lookatthesesuicides,too,howcommontheyare,youcan"tfancy!Peoplespendtheirlasthalfpennyandkillthemselves,boysandgirlsandoldpeople。Onlythismorningweheardaboutagentlemanwhohadjustcometotown。NilPavlitch,Isay,whatwasthenameofthatgentlemanwhoshothimself？”
“Svidrigailov,“someoneansweredfromtheotherroomwithdrowsylistlessness。
Raskolnikovstarted。
“Svidrigailov!Svidrigailovhasshothimself！”hecried。
“What,doyouknowSvidrigailov？”
“Yes……Iknewhim……Hehadn"tbeenherelong。“
“Yes,that"sso。Hehadlosthiswife,wasamanofrecklesshabitsandallofasuddenshothimself,andinsuchashockingway……Heleftinhisnotebookafewwords;thathediesinfullpossessionofhisfacultiesandthatnooneistoblameforhisdeath。
Hehadmoney,theysay。Howdidyoucometoknowhim？”
“I……wasacquainted……mysisterwasgovernessinhisfamily。“
“Bah-bah-bah!Thennodoubtyoucantellussomethingabouthim。Youhadnosuspicion？”
“Isawhimyesterday……he……wasdrinkingwine;Iknewnothing。“
Raskolnikovfeltasthoughsomethinghadfallenonhimandwasstiflinghim。
“You"veturnedpaleagain。It"ssostuffyhere……“
“Yes,Imustgo,“mutteredRaskolnikov。“Excusemytroublingyou……“
“Oh,notatall,asoftenasyoulike。It"sapleasuretoseeyouandIamgladtosayso。“
IlyaPetrovitchheldouthishand。
“Ionlywanted……IcametoseeZametov。“
“Iunderstand,Iunderstand,andit"sapleasuretoseeyou。“
“I……amveryglad……good-bye,“Raskolnikovsmiled。
Hewentout;hereeled,hewasovertakenwithgiddinessanddidnotknowwhathewasdoing。Hebegangoingdownthestairs,supportinghimselfwithhisrighthandagainstthewall。Hefanciedthataporterpushedpasthimonhiswayupstairstothepoliceoffice,thatadoginthelowerstoreykeptupashrillbarkingandthatawomanflungarolling-pinatitandshouted。Hewentdownandoutintotheyard。
There,notfarfromtheentrance,stoodSonia,paleandhorror-stricken。Shelookedwildlyathim。Hestoodstillbeforeher。Therewasalookofpoignantagony,ofdespair,inherface。
Sheclaspedherhands。Hislipsworkedinanugly,meaninglesssmile。Hestoodstillaminute,grinnedandwentbacktothepoliceoffice。
IlyaPetrovitchhadsatdownandwasrummagingamongsomepapers。
Beforehimstoodthesamepeasantwhohadpushedbyonthestairs。
“Hulloa!Backagain!haveyouleftsomethingbehind?What"sthematter？”
Raskolnikov,withwhitelipsandstaringeyes,cameslowlynearer。
Hewalkedrighttothetable,leanedhishandonit,triedtosaysomething,butcouldnot;onlyincoherentsoundswereaudible。
“Youarefeelingill,achair!Here,sitdown!Somewater！”
Raskolnikovdroppedontoachair,buthekepthiseyesfixedonthefaceofIlyaPetrovitchwhichexpressedunpleasantsurprise。Bothlookedatoneanotherforaminuteandwaited。Waterwasbrought。
“ItwasI……“beganRaskolnikov。
“Drinksomewater。“
Raskolnikovrefusedthewaterwithhishand,andsoftlyandbrokenly,butdistinctlysaid：
“ItwasIkilledtheoldpawnbrokerwomanandhersisterLizavetawithanaxeandrobbedthem。“
IlyaPetrovitchopenedhismouth。Peopleranuponallsides。
Raskolnikovrepeatedhisstatement。
EPILOGUE
ChapterOneSIBERIA。Onthebanksofabroadsolitaryriverstandsatown,oneoftheadministrativecentresofRussia;inthetownthereisafortress,inthefortressthereisaprison。Intheprisonthesecond-classconvictRodionRaskolnikovhasbeenconfinedforninemonths。Almostayearandahalfhaspassedsincehiscrime。
Therehadbeenlittledifficultyabouthistrial。Thecriminaladheredexactly,firmly,andclearlytohisstatement。Hedidnotconfusenormisrepresentthefacts,norsoftentheminhisowninterest,noromitthesmallestdetail。Heexplainedeveryincidentofthemurder,thesecretofthepledge(thepieceofwoodwithastripofmetal)whichwasfoundinthemurderedwoman"shand。Hedescribedminutelyhowhehadtakenherkeys,whattheywerelike,aswellasthechestanditscontents;heexplainedthemysteryofLizaveta"smurder;describedhowKochand,afterhim,thestudentknocked,andrepeatedalltheyhadsaidtooneanother;howheafterwardshadrundownstairsandheardNikolayandDmitrishouting;howhehadhiddenintheemptyflatandafterwardsgonehome。HeendedbyindicatingthestoneintheyardofftheVoznesenskyProspectunderwhichthepurseandthetrinketswerefound。Thewholething,infact,wasperfectlyclear。Thelawyersandthejudgeswereverymuchstruck,amongotherthings,bythefactthathehadhiddenthetrinketsandthepurseunderastone,withoutmakinguseofthem,andthat,whatwasmore,hedidnotnowrememberwhatthetrinketswerelike,orevenhowmanytherewere。Thefactthathehadneveropenedthepurseanddidnotevenknowhowmuchwasinitseemedincredible。Thereturnedouttobeinthepursethreehundredandseventeenroublesandsixtycopecks。
Frombeingsolongunderthestone,someofthemostvaluablenoteslyinguppermosthadsufferedfromthedamp。Theywerealongwhiletryingtodiscoverwhytheaccusedmanshouldtellalieaboutthis,whenabouteverythingelsehehadmadeatruthfulandstraightforwardconfession。Finallysomeofthelawyersmoreversedinpsychologyadmittedthatitwaspossiblehehadreallynotlookedintothepurse,andsodidn"tknowwhatwasinitwhenhehiditunderthestone。Buttheyimmediatelydrewthedeductionthatthecrimecouldonlyhavebeencommittedthroughtemporarymentalderangement,throughhomicidalmania,withoutobjectorthepursuitofgain。Thisfellinwiththemostrecentfashionabletheoryoftemporaryinsanity,sooftenappliedinourdaysincriminalcases。MoreoverRaskolnikov"shypochondriacalconditionwasprovedbymanywitnesses,byDr。
Zossimov,hisformerfellowstudents,hislandladyandherservant。
AllthispointedstronglytotheconclusionthatRaskolnikovwasnotquitelikeanordinarymurdererandrobber,butthattherewasanotherelementinthecase。
Totheintenseannoyanceofthosewhomaintainedthisopinion,thecriminalscarcelyattemptedtodefendhimself。Tothedecisivequestionastowhatmotiveimpelledhimtothemurderandtherobbery,heansweredveryclearlywiththecoarsestfranknessthatthecausewashismiserableposition,hispovertyandhelplessness,andhisdesiretoprovideforhisfirststepsinlifebythehelpofthethreethousandroubleshehadreckonedonfinding。Hehadbeenledtothemurderthroughhisshallowandcowardlynature,exasperatedmoreoverbyprivationandfailure。Tothequestionwhatledhimtoconfess,heansweredthatitwashisheartfeltrepentance。Allthiswasalmostcoarse……
Thesentencehoweverwasmoremercifulthancouldhavebeenexpected,perhapspartlybecausethecriminalhadnottriedtojustifyhimself,buthadrathershownadesiretoexaggeratehisguilt。Allthestrangeandpeculiarcircumstancesofthecrimeweretakenintoconsideration。Therecouldbenodoubtoftheabnormalandpoverty-strickenconditionofthecriminalatthetime。Thefactthathehadmadenouseofwhathehadstolenwasputdownpartlytotheeffectofremorse,partlytohisabnormalmentalconditionatthetimeofthecrime。IncidentallythemurderofLizavetaservedindeedtoconfirmthelasthypothesis：amancommitstwomurdersandforgetsthatthedoorisopen!Finally,theconfession,attheverymomentwhenthecasewashopelesslymuddledbythefalseevidencegivenbyNikolaythroughmelancholyandfanaticism,andwhen,moreover,therewerenoproofsagainsttherealcriminal,nosuspicionseven(PorfiryPetrovitchfullykepthisword)-allthisdidmuchtosoftenthesentence。Othercircumstances,too,intheprisoner"sfavourcameoutquiteunexpectedly。RazumihinsomehowdiscoveredandprovedthatwhileRaskolnikovwasattheuniversityhehadhelpedapoorconsumptivefellowstudentandhadspenthislastpennyonsupportinghimforsixmonths,andwhenthisstudentdied,leavingadecrepitoldfatherwhomhehadmaintainedalmostfromhisthirteenthyear,Raskolnikovhadgottheoldmanintoahospitalandpaidforhisfuneralwhenhedied。Raskolnikov"slandladyborewitness,too,thatwhentheyhadlivedinanotherhouseatFiveCorners,Raskolnikovhadrescuedtwolittlechildrenfromahouseonfireandwasburntindoingso。Thiswasinvestigatedandfairlywellconfirmedbymanywitnesses。Thesefactsmadeanimpressioninhisfavour。
Andintheendthecriminalwasinconsiderationofextenuatingcircumstancescondemnedtopenalservitudeinthesecondclassforatermofeightyearsonly。
AttheverybeginningofthetrialRaskolnikov"smotherfellill。
DouniaandRazumihinfounditpossibletogetheroutofPetersburgduringthetrial。RazumihinchoseatownontherailwaynotfarfromPetersburg,soastobeabletofolloweverystepofthetrialandatthesametimetoseeAvdotyaRomanovnaasoftenaspossible。
PulcheriaAlexandrovna"sillnesswasastrangenervousoneandwasaccompaniedbyapartialderangementofherintellect。
WhenDouniareturnedfromherlastinterviewwithherbrother,shehadfoundhermotheralreadyill,infeverishdelirium。ThateveningRazumihinandsheagreedwhatanswerstheymustmaketohermother"squestionsaboutRaskolnikovaddmadeupacompletestoryforhermother"sbenefitofhishavingtogoawaytoadistantpartofRussiaonabusinesscommission,whichwouldbringhimintheendmoneyandreputation。
ButtheywerestruckbythefactthatPulcheriaAlexandrovnaneveraskedthemanythingonthesubject,neitherthennorthereafter。Onthecontrary,shehadherownversionofherson"ssuddendeparture;
shetoldthemwithtearshowhehadcometosaygood-byetoher,hintingthatshealoneknewmanymysteriousandimportantfacts,andthatRodyahadmanyverypowerfulenemies,sothatitwasnecessaryforhimtobeinhiding。Asforhisfuturecareer,shehadnodoubtthatitwouldbebrilliantwhencertainsinisterinfluencescouldberemoved。SheassuredRazumihinthathersonwouldbeonedayagreatstatesman,thathisarticleandbrilliantliterarytalentprovedit。
Thisarticleshewascontinuallyreading,sheevenreaditaloud,almosttookittobedwithher,butscarcelyaskedwhereRodyawas,thoughthesubjectwasobviouslyavoidedbytheothers,whichmighthavebeenenoughtoawakenhersuspicions。
TheybegantobefrightenedatlastatPulcheriaAlexandrovna"sstrangesilenceoncertainsubjects。Shedidnot,forinstance,complainofgettingnolettersfromhim,thoughinpreviousyearsshehadonlylivedonthehopeoflettersfromherbelovedRodya。ThiswasthecauseofgreatuneasinesstoDounia;theideaoccurredtoherthathermothersuspectedthattherewassomethingterribleinherson"sfateandwasafraidtoask,forfearofhearingsomethingstillmoreawful。Inanycase,Douniasawclearlythathermotherwasnotinfullpossessionofherfaculties。
Ithappenedonceortwice,however,thatPulcheriaAlexandrovnagavesuchaturntotheconversationthatitwasimpossibletoanswerherwithoutmentioningwhereRodyawas,andonreceivingunsatisfactoryandsuspiciousanswersshebecameatoncegloomyandsilent,andthismoodlastedforalongtime。Douniasawatlastthatitwashardtodeceiveherandcametotheconclusionthatitwasbettertobeabsolutelysilentoncertainpoints;butitbecamemoreandmoreevidentthatthepoormothersuspectedsomethingterrible。Douniarememberedherbrother"stellingherthathermotherhadoverheardhertalkinginhersleeponthenightafterherinterviewwithSvidrigailovandbeforethefataldayoftheconfession：hadnotshemadeoutsomethingfromthat?Sometimesdaysandevenweeksofgloomysilenceandtearswouldbesucceededbyaperiodofhystericalanimation,andtheinvalidwouldbegintotalkalmostincessantlyofherson,ofherhopesofhisfuture……Herfanciesweresometimesverystrange。Theyhumouredher,pretendedtoagreewithher(shesawperhapsthattheywerepretending),butshestillwentontalking。
FivemonthsafterRaskolnikov"sconfession,hewassentenced。
RazumihinandSoniasawhiminprisonasoftenasitwaspossible。
Atlastthemomentofseparationcame。Douniasworetoherbrotherthattheseparationshouldnotbeforever,Razumihindidthesame。
Razumihin,inhisyouthfulardour,hadfirmlyresolvedtolaythefoundationsatleastofasecurelivelihoodduringthenextthreeorfouryears,andsavingupacertainsum,toemigratetoSiberia,acountryrichineverynaturalresourceandinneedofworkers,activemenandcapital。TheretheywouldsettleinthetownwhereRodyawasandalltogetherwouldbeginanewlife。Theyallweptatparting。
Raskolnikovhadbeenverydreamyforafewdaysbefore。Heaskedagreatdealabouthismotherandwasconstantlyanxiousabouther。HeworriedsomuchaboutherthatitalarmedDounia。Whenheheardabouthismother"sillnesshebecameverygloomy。WithSoniahewasparticularlyreservedallthetime。WiththehelpofthemoneylefttoherbySvidrigailov,SoniahadlongagomadeherpreparationstofollowthepartyofconvictsinwhichhewasdespatchedtoSiberia。
NotawordpassedbetweenRaskolnikovandheronthesubject,butbothknewitwouldbeso。Atthefinalleave-takinghesmiledstrangelyathissister"sandRazumihin"sferventanticipationsoftheirhappyfuturetogetherwhenheshouldcomeoutofprison。Hepredictedthattheirmother"sillnesswouldsoonhaveafatalending。Soniaandheatlastsetoff。
TwomonthslaterDouniawasmarriedtoRazumihin。Itwasaquietandsorrowfulwedding;PorfiryPetrovitchandZossimovwereinvitedhowever。DuringallthisperiodRazumihinworeanairofresolutedetermination。Douniaputimplicitfaithinhiscarryingouthisplansandindeedshecouldnotbutbelieveinhim。Hedisplayedararestrengthofwill。Amongotherthingshebeganattendinguniversitylecturesagaininordertotakehisdegree。Theywerecontinuallymakingplansforthefuture;bothcountedonsettlinginSiberiawithinfiveyearsatleast。TillthentheyrestedtheirhopesonSonia。
PulcheriaAlexandrovnawasdelightedtogiveherblessingtoDounia"smarriagewithRazumihin;butafterthemarriageshebecameevenmoremelancholyandanxious。TogiveherpleasureRazumihintoldherhowRaskolnikovhadlookedafterthepoorstudentandhisdecrepitfatherandhowayearagohehadbeenburntandinjuredinrescuingtwolittlechildrenfromafire。ThesetwopiecesofnewsexcitedPulcheriaAlexandrovna"sdisorderedimaginationalmosttoecstasy。Shewascontinuallytalkingaboutthem,evenenteringintoconversationwithstrangersinthestreet,thoughDouniaalwaysaccompaniedher。Inpublicconveyancesandshops,wherevershecouldcapturealistener,shewouldbeginthediscourseaboutherson,hisarticle,howhehadhelpedthestudent,howhehadbeenburntatthefire,andsoon!Douniadidnotknowhowtorestrainher。Apartfromthedangerofhermorbidexcitement,therewastheriskofsomeone"srecallingRaskolnikov"snameandspeakingoftherecenttrial。
PulcheriaAlexandrovnafoundouttheaddressofthemotherofthetwochildrenhersonhadsavedandinsistedongoingtoseeher。
Atlastherrestlessnessreachedanextremepoint。Shewouldsometimesbegintocrysuddenlyandwasoftenillandfeverishlydelirious。OnemorningshedeclaredthatbyherreckoningRodyaoughtsoontobehome,thatsherememberedwhenhesaidgood-byetoherhesaidthattheymustexpecthimbackinninemonths。Shebegantoprepareforhiscoming,begantodoupherroomforhim,tocleanthefurniture,towashandputupnewhangingsandsoon。Douniawasanxious,butsaidnothingandhelpedhertoarrangetheroom。Afterafatiguingdayspentincontinualfancies,injoyfuldaydreamsandtears,PulcheriaAlexandrovnawastakenillinthenightandbymorningshewasfeverishanddelirious。Itwasbrainfever。Shediedwithinafortnight。Inherdeliriumshedroppedwordswhichshowedthatsheknewagreatdealmoreaboutherson"sterriblefatethantheyhadsupposed。
ForalongtimeRaskolnikovdidnotknowofhismother"sdeath,thougharegularcorrespondencehadbeenmaintainedfromthetimehereachedSiberia。ItwascarriedonbymeansofSonia,whowroteeverymonthtotheRazumihinsandreceivedananswerwithunfailingregularity。AtfirsttheyfoundSonia"slettersdryandunsatisfactory,butlaterontheycametotheconclusionthattheletterscouldnotbebetter,forfromtheseletterstheyreceivedacompletepictureoftheirunfortunatebrother"slife。Sonia"sletterswerefullofthemostmatteroffactdetail,thesimplestandclearestdescriptionofallRaskolnikov"ssurroundingsasaconvict。Therewasnowordofherownhopes,noconjectureastothefuture,nodescriptionofherfeelings。Insteadofanyattempttointerprethisstateofmindandinnerlife,shegavethesimplefacts-
thatis,hisownwords,anexactaccountofhishealth,whatheaskedforattheirinterviews,whatcommissionhegaveherandsoon。Allthesefactsshegavewithextraordinaryminuteness。Thepictureoftheirunhappybrotherstoodoutatlastwithgreatclearnessandprecision。Therecouldbenomistake,becausenothingwasgivenbutfacts。
ButDouniaandhusbandcouldgetlittlecomfortoutofthenews,especiallyatfirst。Soniawrotethathewasconstantlysullenandnotreadytotalk,thathescarcelyseemedinterestedinthenewsshegavehimfromtheirletters,thathesometimesaskedafterhismotherandthatwhen,seeingthathehadguessedthetruth,shetoldhimatlastofherdeath,shewassurprisedtofindthathedidnotseemgreatlyaffectedbyit,notexternallyatanyrate。Shetoldthemthat,althoughheseemedsowrappedupinhimselfand,asitwere,shuthimselfofffromeveryone-hetookaverydirectandsimpleviewofhisnewlife;thatheunderstoodhisposition,expectednothingbetterforthetime,hadnoill-foundedhopes(asissocommoninhisposition)andscarcelyseemedsurprisedatanythinginhissurroundings,sounlikeanythinghehadknownbefore。Shewrotethathishealthwassatisfactory;hedidhisworkwithoutshirkingorseekingtodomore;hewasalmostindifferentaboutfood,butexceptonSundaysandholidaysthefoodwassobadthatatlasthehadbeengladtoacceptsomemoneyfromher,Sonia,tohavehisownteaeveryday。Hebeggedhernottotroubleaboutanythingelse,declaringthatallthisfussabouthimonlyannoyedhim。Soniawrotefurtherthatinprisonhesharedthesameroomwiththerest,thatshehadnotseentheinsideoftheirbarracks,butconcludedthattheywerecrowded,miserableandunhealthy;thathesleptonaplankbedwitharugunderhimandwasunwillingtomakeanyotherarrangement。Butthathelivedsopoorlyandroughly,notfromanyplanordesign,butsimplyfrominattentionandindifference。
Soniawrotesimplythathehadatfirstshownnointerestinhervisits,hadalmostbeenvexedwithherindeedforcoming,unwillingtotalkandrudetoher。Butthatintheendthesevisitshadbecomeahabitandalmostanecessityforhim,sothathewaspositivelydistressedwhenshewasillforsomedaysandcouldnotvisithim。Sheusedtoseehimonholidaysattheprisongatesorintheguard-room,towhichhewasbroughtforafewminutestoseeher。Onworkingdaysshewouldgotoseehimatworkeitherattheworkshopsoratthebrickkilns,orattheshedsonthebanksoftheIrtish。
Aboutherself,Soniawrotethatshehadsucceededinmakingsomeacquaintancesinthetown,thatshedidsewing,and,astherewasscarcelyadressmakerinthetown,shewaslookeduponasanindispensablepersoninmanyhouses。Butshedidnotmentionthattheauthoritieswere,throughher,interestedinRaskolnikov;thathistaskwaslightenedandsoon。
Atlastthenewscame(Douniahadindeednoticedsignsofalarmanduneasinessintheprecedingletters)thatheheldalooffromeveryone,thathisfellowprisonersdidnotlikehim,thathekeptsilentfordaysatatimeandwasbecomingverypale。InthelastletterSoniawrotethathehadbeentakenveryseriouslyillandwasintheconvictwardofthehospital。
ChapterTwoHEWASillalongtime。Butitwasnotthehorrorsofprisonlife,notthehardlabour,thebadfood,theshavenhead,orthepatchedclothesthatcrushedhim。Whatdidhecareforallthosetrialsandhardships!hewasevengladofthehardwork。Physicallyexhausted,hecouldatleastreckononafewhoursofquietsleep。Andwhatwasthefoodtohim-thethincabbagesoupwithbeetlesfloatinginit?Inthepastasastudenthehadoftennothadeventhat。Hisclotheswerewarmandsuitedtohismanneroflife。Hedidnotevenfeelthefetters。Washeashamedofhisshavenheadandparti-colouredcoat?
Beforewhom?BeforeSonia?Soniawasafraidofhim,howcouldhebeashamedbeforeher?AndyethewasashamedevenbeforeSonia,whomhetorturedbecauseofitwithhiscontemptuousroughmanner。Butitwasnothisshavenheadandhisfettershewasashamedof：hispridehadbeenstungtothequick。Itwaswoundedpridethatmadehimill。
Oh,howhappyhewouldhavebeenifhecouldhaveblamedhimself!Hecouldhaveborneanythingthen,evenshameanddisgrace。Buthejudgedhimselfseverely,andhisexasperatedconsciencefoundnoparticularlyterriblefaultinhispast,exceptasimpleblunderwhichmighthappentoanyone。Hewasashamedjustbecausehe,Raskolnikov,hadsohopelessly,stupidlycometogriefthroughsomedecreeofblindfate,andmusthumblehimselfandsubmitto“theidiocy“ofasentence,ifhewereanyhowtobeatpeace。
Vagueandobjectlessanxietyinthepresent,andinthefutureacontinualsacrificeleadingtonothing-thatwasallthatlaybeforehim。Andwhatcomfortwasittohimthatattheendofeightyearshewouldonlybethirty-twoandabletobeginanewlife!Whathadhetolivefor?Whathadhetolookforwardto?Whyshouldhestrive?Toliveinordertoexist?Why,hehadbeenreadyathousandtimesbeforetogiveupexistenceforthesakeofanidea,forahope,evenforafancy。Mereexistencehadalwaysbeentoolittleforhim;
hehadalwayswantedmore。Perhapsitwasjustbecauseofthestrengthofhisdesiresthathehadthoughthimselfamantowhommorewaspermissiblethantoothers。
Andifonlyfatewouldhavesenthimrepentance-burningrepentancethatwouldhavetornhisheartandrobbedhimofsleep,thatrepentance,theawfulagonyofwhichbringsvisionsofhangingordrowning!Oh,hewouldhavebeengladofit!Tearsandagonieswouldatleasthavebeenlife。Buthedidnotrepentofhiscrime。
Atleasthemighthavefoundreliefinragingathisstupidity,ashehadragedatthegrotesqueblundersthathadbroughthimtoprison。
Butnowinprison,infreedom,hethoughtoverandcriticisedallhisactionsagainandbynomeansfoundthemsoblunderingandsogrotesqueastheyhadseemedatthefataltime。
“Inwhatway,“heaskedhimself,“wasmytheorystupiderthanothersthathaveswarmedandclashedfromthebeginningoftheworld?Onehasonlytolookatthethingquiteindependently,broadly,anduninfluencedbycommonplaceideas,andmyideawillbynomeansseemso……strange。Oh,scepticsandhalfpennyphilosophers,whydoyouhalthalf-way！”
“Whydoesmyactionstrikethemassohorrible？”hesaidtohimself。
“Isitbecauseitwasacrime?Whatismeantbycrime?Myconscienceisatrest。Ofcourse,itwasalegalcrime,ofcourse,theletterofthelawwasbrokenandbloodwasshed。Well,punishmefortheletterofthelaw……andthat"senough。Ofcourse,inthatcasemanyofthebenefactorsofmankindwhosnatchedpowerforthemselvesinsteadofinheritingitoughttohavebeenpunishedattheirfirststeps。Butthosemensucceededandsotheywereright,andIdidn"t,andsoIhadnorighttohavetakenthatstep。“
Itwasonlyinthatthatherecognizedhiscriminality,onlyinthefactthathehadbeenunsuccessfulandhadconfessedit。
Hesufferedtoofromthequestion：whyhadhenotkilledhimself?
Whyhadhestoodlookingattheriverandpreferredtoconfess?Wasthedesiretolivesostrongandwasitsohardtoovercomeit?HadnotSvidrigailovovercomeit,althoughhewasafraidofdeath?
Inmiseryheaskedhimselfthisquestion,andcouldnotunderstandthat,attheverytimehehadbeenstandinglookingintotheriver,hehadperhapsbeendimlyconsciousofthefundamentalfalsityinhimselfandhisconvictions。Hedidn"tunderstandthatthatconsciousnessmightbethepromiseofafuturecrisis,ofanewviewoflifeandofhisfutureresurrection。
Hepreferredtoattributeittothedeadweightofinstinctwhichhecouldnotstepover,againthroughweaknessandmeanness。Helookedathisfellowprisonersandwasamazedtoseehowtheyalllovedlifeandprizedit。Itseemedtohimthattheylovedandvaluedlifemoreinprisonthaninfreedom。Whatterribleagoniesandprivationssomeofthem,thetrampsforinstance,hadendured!Couldtheycaresomuchforarayofsunshine,fortheprimevalforest,thecoldspringhiddenawayinsomeunseenspot,whichthetramphadmarkedthreeyearsbefore,andlongedtoseeagain,ashemighttoseehissweetheart,dreamingofthegreengrassrounditandthebirdsinginginthebush?
Ashewentonhesawstillmoreinexplicableexamples。
Inprison,ofcourse,therewasagreatdealhedidnotseeanddidnotwanttosee;helivedasitwerewithdowncasteyes。Itwasloathsomeandunbearableforhimtolook。Butintheendtherewasmuchthatsurprisedhimandhebegan,asitwereinvoluntarily,tonoticemuchthathehadnotsuspectedbefore。Whatsurprisedhimmostofallwastheterribleimpossiblegulfthatlaybetweenhimandalltherest。Theyseemedtobeadifferentspecies,andhelookedatthemandtheyathimwithdistrustandhostility。Hefeltandknewthereasonsofhisisolation,buthewouldneverhaveadmittedtillthenthatthosereasonsweresodeepandstrong。ThereweresomePolishexiles,politicalprisoners,amongthem。Theysimplylookeddownuponalltherestasignorantchurls;butRaskolnikovcouldnotlookuponthemlikethat。HesawthattheseignorantmenwereinmanyrespectsfarwiserthanthePoles。ThereweresomeRussianswhowerejustascontemptuous,aformerofficerandtwoseminarists。Raskolnikovsawtheirmistakeasclearly。Hewasdislikedandavoidedbyeveryone;theyevenbegantohatehimatlast,-why,hecouldnottell。Menwhohadbeenfarmoreguiltydespisedandlaughedathiscrime。
“You"reagentleman,“theyusedtosay。“Youshouldn"thackaboutwithanaxe;that"snotagentleman"swork。“
ThesecondweekinLent,histurncametotakethesacramentwithhisgang。Hewenttochurchandprayedwiththeothers。Aquarrelbrokeoutoneday,hedidnotknowhow。Allfellonhimatonceinafury。
“You"reaninfidel!Youdon"tbelieveinGod,“theyshouted。“Yououghttobekilled。“
HehadnevertalkedtothemaboutGodnorhisbelief,buttheywantedtokillhimasaninfidel。Hesaidnothing。Oneoftheprisonersrushedathiminaperfectfrenzy。Raskolnikovawaitedhimcalmlyandsilently;hiseyebrowsdidnotquiver,hisfacedidnotflinch。Theguardsucceededininterveningbetweenhimandhisassailant,ortherewouldhavebeenbloodshed。
Therewasanotherquestionhecouldnotdecide：whyweretheyallsofondofSonia?Shedidnottrytowintheirfavour;sherarelymetthem,sometimesonlyshecametoseehimatworkforamoment。Andyeteverybodyknewher,theyknewthatshehadcomeouttofollowhim,knewhowandwhereshelived。Shenevergavethemmoney,didthemnoparticularservices。OnlyonceatChristmasshesentthemallpresentsofpiesandrolls。ButbydegreescloserrelationssprangupbetweenthemandSonia。Shewouldwriteandpostlettersforthemtotheirrelations。Relationsoftheprisonerswhovisitedthetown,attheirinstructions,leftwithSoniapresentsandmoneyforthem。Theirwivesandsweetheartsknewherandusedtovisither。AndwhenshevisitedRaskolnikovatwork,ormetapartyoftheprisonersontheroad,theyalltookofftheirhatstoher。“LittlemotherSofyaSemyonovna,youareourdear,goodlittlemother,“coarsebrandedcriminalssaidtothatfraillittlecreature。Shewouldsmileandbowtothemandeveryonewasdelightedwhenshesmiled。Theyevenadmiredhergaitandturnedroundtowatchherwalking;theyadmiredhertooforbeingsolittle,and,infact,didnotknowwhattoadmirehermostfor。Theyevencametoherforhelpintheirillnesses。
HewasinthehospitalfromthemiddleofLenttillafterEaster。
Whenhewasbetter,herememberedthedreamshehadhadwhilehewasfeverishanddelirious。HedreamtthatthewholeworldwascondemnedtoaterriblenewstrangeplaguethathadcometoEuropefromthedepthsofAsia。Allweretobedestroyedexceptaveryfewchosen。
Somenewsortsofmicrobeswereattackingthebodiesofmen,butthesemicrobeswereendowedwithintelligenceandwill。Menattackedbythembecameatoncemadandfurious。Butneverhadmenconsideredthemselvessointellectualandsocompletelyinpossessionofthetruthasthesesufferers,neverhadtheyconsideredtheirdecisions,theirscientificconclusions,theirmoralconvictionssoinfallible。
Wholevillages,wholetownsandpeopleswentmadfromtheinfection。
Allwereexcitedanddidnotunderstandoneanother。Eachthoughtthathealonehadthetruthandwaswretchedlookingattheothers,beathimselfonthebreast,wept,andwrunghishands。Theydidnotknowhowtojudgeandcouldnotagreewhattoconsiderevilandwhatgood;theydidnotknowwhomtoblame,whomtojustify。Menkilledeachotherinasortofsenselessspite。Theygatheredtogetherinarmiesagainstoneanother,butevenonthemarchthearmieswouldbeginattackingeachother,therankswouldbebrokenandthesoldierswouldfalloneachother,stabbingandcutting,bitinganddevouringeachother。Thealarmbellwasringingalldaylonginthetowns;
menrushedtogether,butwhytheyweresummonedandwhowassummoningthemnooneknew。Themostordinarytradeswereabandoned,becauseeveryoneproposedhisownideas,hisownimprovements,andtheycouldnotagree。Thelandtoowasabandoned。Menmetingroups,agreedonsomething,sworetokeeptogether,butatoncebeganonsomethingquitedifferentfromwhattheyhadproposed。Theyaccusedoneanother,foughtandkilledeachother。Therewereconflagrationsandfamine。Allmenandallthingswereinvolvedindestruction。Theplaguespreadandmovedfurtherandfurther。Onlyafewmencouldbesavedinthewholeworld。Theywereapurechosenpeople,destinedtofoundanewraceandanewlife,torenewandpurifytheearth,butnoonehadseenthesemen,noonehadheardtheirwordsandtheirvoices。
Raskolnikovwasworriedthatthissenselessdreamhauntedhismemorysomiserably,theimpressionofthisfeverishdeliriumpersistedsolong。ThesecondweekafterEasterhadcome。Therewerewarmbrightspringdays;intheprisonwardthegratingwindowsunderwhichthesentinelpacedwereopened。Soniahadonlybeenabletovisithimtwiceduringhisillness;eachtimeshehadtoobtainpermission,anditwasdifficult。Butsheoftenusedtocometothehospitalyard,especiallyintheevening,sometimesonlytostandaminuteandlookupatthewindowsoftheward。
Oneevening,whenhewasalmostwellagain,Raskolnikovfellasleep。
Onwakinguphechancedtogotothewindow,andatoncesawSoniainthedistanceatthehospitalgate。Sheseemedtobewaitingforsomeone。Somethingstabbedhimtotheheartatthatminute。Heshudderedandmovedawayfromthewindow。NextdaySoniadidnotcome,northedayafter;henoticedthathewasexpectingheruneasily。Atlasthewasdischarged。OnreachingtheprisonhelearntfromtheconvictsthatSofyaSemyonovnawaslyingillathomeandwasunabletogoout。
Hewasveryuneasyandsenttoinquireafterher;hesoonlearntthatherillnesswasnotdangerous。Hearingthathewasanxiousabouther,Soniasenthimapencillednote,tellinghimthatshewasmuchbetter,thatshehadaslightcoldandthatshewouldsoon,verysooncomeandseehimathiswork。Hisheartthrobbedpainfullyashereadit。
Againitwasawarmbrightday。Earlyinthemorning,atsixo"clock,hewentofftoworkontheriverbank,wheretheyusedtopoundalabasterandwheretherewasakilnforbakingitinashed。
Therewereonlythreeofthemsent。Oneoftheconvictswentwiththeguardtothefortresstofetchatool;theotherbegangettingthewoodreadyandlayingitinthekiln。Raskolnikovcameoutoftheshedontotheriverbank,satdownonaheapoflogsbytheshedandbegangazingatthewidedesertedriver。Fromthehighbankabroadlandscapeopenedbeforehim,thesoundofsingingfloatedfaintlyaudiblefromtheotherbank。Inthevaststeppe,bathedinsunshine,hecouldjustsee,likeblackspecks,thenomads"tents。Theretherewasfreedom,thereothermenwereliving,utterlyunlikethosehere;
theretimeitselfseemedtostandstill,asthoughtheageofAbrahamandhisflockshadnotpassed。Raskolnikovsatgazing,histhoughtspassedintoday-dreams,intocontemplation;hethoughtofnothing,butavaguerestlessnessexcitedandtroubledhim。SuddenlyhefoundSoniabesidehim;shehadcomeupnoiselesslyandsatdownathisside。Itwasstillquiteearly;themorningchillwasstillkeen。Sheworeherpooroldburnousandthegreenshawl;herfacestillshowedsignsofillness,itwasthinnerandpaler。Shegavehimajoyfulsmileofwelcome,butheldoutherhandwithherusualtimidity。Shewasalwaystimidofholdingoutherhandtohimandsometimesdidnotofferitatall,asthoughafraidhewouldrepelit。
Healwaystookherhandasthoughwithrepugnance,alwaysseemedvexedtomeetherandwassometimesobstinatelysilentthroughouthervisit。
Sometimesshetrembledbeforehimandwentawaydeeplygrieved。Butnowtheirhandsdidnotpart。Hestolearapidglanceatheranddroppedhiseyesonthegroundwithoutspeaking。Theywerealone,noonehadseenthem。Theguardhadturnedawayforthetime。
Howithappenedhedidnotknow。Butallatoncesomethingseemedtoseizehimandflinghimatherfeet。Heweptandthrewhisarmsroundherknees。Forthefirstinstantshewasterriblyfrightenedandsheturnedpale。Shejumpedupandlookedathimtrembling。Butatthesamemomentsheunderstood,andalightofinfinitehappinesscameintohereyes。Sheknewandhadnodoubtthathelovedherbeyondeverythingandthatatlastthemomenthadcome……
Theywantedtospeak,butcouldnot;tearsstoodintheireyes。Theywerebothpaleandthin;butthosesickpalefaceswerebrightwiththedawnofanewfuture,ofafullresurrectionintoanewlife。Theywererenewedbylove;theheartofeachheldinfinitesourcesoflifefortheheartoftheother。
Theyresolvedtowaitandbepatient。Theyhadanothersevenyearstowait,andwhatterriblesufferingandwhatinfinitehappinessbeforethem!Buthehadrisenagainandheknewitandfeltitinallhisbeing,whileshe-sheonlylivedinhislife。
Ontheeveningofthesameday,whenthebarrackswerelocked,Raskolnikovlayonhisplankbedandthoughtofher。Hehadevenfanciedthatdaythatalltheconvictswhohadbeenhisenemieslookedathimdifferently;hehadevenenteredintotalkwiththemandtheyansweredhiminafriendlyway。Herememberedthatnow,andthoughtitwasboundtobeso。Wasn"teverythingnowboundtobechanged?
Hethoughtofher。Herememberedhowcontinuallyhehadtormentedherandwoundedherheart。Herememberedherpaleandthinlittleface。Buttheserecollectionsscarcelytroubledhimnow;heknewwithwhatinfinitelovehewouldnowrepayallhersufferings。Andwhatwereall,alltheagoniesofthepast!Everything,evenhiscrime,hissentenceandimprisonment,seemedtohimnowinthefirstrushoffeelinganexternal,strangefactwithwhichhehadnoconcern。Buthecouldnotthinkforlongtogetherofanythingthatevening,andhecouldnothaveanalysedanythingconsciously;hewassimplyfeeling。Lifehadsteppedintotheplaceoftheoryandsomethingquitedifferentwouldworkitselfoutinhismind。
UnderhispillowlaytheNewTestament。Hetookitupmechanically。ThebookbelongedtoSonia;itwastheonefromwhichshehadreadtheraisingofLazarustohim。Atfirsthewasafraidthatshewouldworryhimaboutreligion,wouldtalkaboutthegospelandpesterhimwithbooks。ButtohisgreatsurpriseshehadnotonceapproachedthesubjectandhadnotevenofferedhimtheTestament。Hehadaskedherforithimselfnotlongbeforehisillnessandshebroughthimthebookwithoutaword。Tillnowhehadnotopenedit。
Hedidnotopenitnow,butonethoughtpassedthroughhismind：
“Canherconvictionsnotbeminenow?Herfeelings,heraspirationsatleast……“
Shetoohadbeengreatlyagitatedthatday,andatnightshewastakenillagain。Butshewassohappy-andsounexpectedlyhappy-thatshewasalmostfrightenedofherhappiness。Sevenyears,onlysevenyears!Atthebeginningoftheirhappinessatsomemomentstheywerebothreadytolookonthosesevenyearsasthoughtheyweresevendays。Hedidnotknowthatthenewlifewouldnotbegivenhimfornothing,thathewouldhavetopaydearlyforit,thatitwouldcosthimgreatstriving,greatsuffering。
Butthatisthebeginningofanewstory-thestoryofthegradualrenewalofaman,thestoryofhisgradualregeneration,ofhispassingfromoneworldintoanother,ofhisinitiationintoanewunknownlife。Thatmightbethesubjectofanewstory,butourpresentstoryisended。
THEEND