第4章

TheinferencebehindtheepithetwasnotlostonPaddy；hewentaswhiteashisson。"Don’tyoudarecallmethat！"

"Whatelseareyou？You’redisgusting，you’reworsethanaraminrut！Couldn’tyouleaveheralone，couldn’tyoukeepyourhandsoffher？""No，no，no！"Meggiescreamed。FatherRalph’shandsbitintohershoulderslikeclawsandheldherpainfullyagainsthim。Thetearspoureddownherface，shetwistedtofreeherselffranticallyandvainly。"No，Daddy，no！Oh，Frank，please！Please，please！"sheshrilled。

ButtheonlyonewhoheardherwasFatherRalph。FrankandPaddyfacedeachother，thedislikeandthefear，eachfortheother，admittedatlast。ThedamofmutualloveforFeewasbreachedandthebitterrivalryforFeeacknowledged。

"Iamherhusband。ItisbyGod’sgraceweareblessedwithourchildren，"saidPaddymorecalmly，fightingforcontrol。

"You’renobetterthanashittyolddogafteranybitchyoucanstickyourthinginto！"

"Andyou’renobetterthantheshittyolddogwhofatheredyou，whoeverhewas！ThankGodIneverhadahandinit！"shoutedPaddy，andstopped。"Oh，dearJesus！"Hisragequithimlikeahowlingwind，hesaggedandshriveledandhishandspluckedathismouthasiftotearoutthetonguewhichhadutteredtheunutterable。"Ididn’tmeanit，Ididn’tmeanit！1didn’tmeanit！"ThemomentthewordswereoutFatherRalphletgoofMeggieandgrabbedFrank。HehadFrank’srightarmtwistedbehindhim，hisownleftarmaroundFrank’sneck，throttlinghim。Andhewasstrong，thegripparalyzing；Frankfoughttobefreeofhim，thensuddenlyhisresistanceflaggedandheshookhisheadinsubmission。Meggiehadfallentothefloorandkneltthere，weeping，hereyesgoingfromherbrothertoherfatherinhelpless，beseechingagony。Shedidn’tunderstandwhathadhappened，butsheknewitmeantshecouldn’tkeepthemboth。

"Youmeantit，"Frankcroaked。"Imustalwayshaveknownit！Imustalwayshaveknownit。"HetriedtoturnhisheadtoFatherRalph。"Letmego，Father。Iwon’ttouchhim；sohelpmeGodIwon’t。"

"SohelpyouGod？Godrotyoursouls，bothofyou！Ifyou’veruinedthechildI’llkillyou！"thepriestroared，theonlyoneangrynow。"DoyourealizeIhadtokeepherheretolistentothis，forfearifItookherawayyou’dkilleachotherwhileIwasgone？Ioughttohaveletyoudoit，youmiserable，self-centeredcretins！"

"It’sallright，I’mgoing，"Franksaidinastrange，emptyvoice。"I’mgoingtojoinJimmySharman’stroupe，andIwon’tbeback。"

"You’vegottocomeback！"Paddywhispered。"WhatcanItellyourmother？Youmeanmoretoherthantherestofusputtogether。She’llneverforgiveme！"

"TellherIwenttojoinJimmySharmanbecauseIwanttobesomeone。It’sthetruth。"

"WhatIsaid-itwasn’ttrue，Frank。"

Frank’salienblackeyesflashedscornfully，theeyesthepriesthadwonderedatthefirsttimehesawthem；whatweregrey-eyedFeeandblue-eyedPaddydoingwithablack-eyedson？FatherRalphknewhis

Mendelianlaws，anddidn’tthinkevenFee’sgreynessmadeitpossible。Frankpickeduphishatandcoat。"Oh，itwastrue！Imustalwayshaveknownit。ThememoriesofMumplayingherspinetinaroomyoucouldneverhaveowned！Thefeelingyouhadn’talwaysbeenthere，thatyoucameafterme。Thatshewasminefirst。"Helaughedsoundlessly。"AndtothinkalltheseyearsI’veblamedyoufordraggingherdown，whenitwasme。Itwasme！""Itwasnoone，Frank，noone！"thepriestcried，tryingtopullhimback。"It’sapartofGod’sgreatunfathomableplan；thinkofitlikethat！"Frankshookoffthedetaininghandandwalkedtothedoorwithhislight，deadly，tiptoedgait。Hewasborntobeaboxer，thoughtFatherRalphinsomedetachedcornerofhisbrain，thatcardinal’sbrain。"God’sgreatunfathomableplan！"mockedtheyoungman’svoicefromthedoor。"You’renobetterthanaparrotwhenyouactthepriest，FatherdeBricassart！IsayGodhelpyou，becauseyou’retheonlyoneofusherewhohasnoideawhathereallyis！"

Paddywassittinginachair，ashen，hisshockedeyesonMeggieasshehuddledonherkneesbythefire，weepingandrockingherselfbackandforth。Hegotuptogotoher，butFatherRalphpushedhimroughlyaway。"Leaveheralone。You’vedoneenough！There’swhiskeyinthesideboard；takesome。I’mgoingtoputthechildtobed，butI’llbebacktotalktoyou，sodon’tgo。Doyouhearme，man？"

"I’llbehere，Father。Puthertobed。"

Upstairsinthecharmingapple-greenbedroomthepriestunbuttonedthelittlegirl’sdressandchemise，madehersitontheedgeofthebedsohecouldpulloffhershoesandstockings。HernightdresslayonthepillowwhereAnniehadleftit；hetuggeditoverherheadanddecentlydownbeforeheremovedherdrawers。Andallthewhilehetalkedtoheraboutnothing，sillystoriesofbuttonsrefusingtocomeundone，andshoesstubbornlystayingtied，andribbonsthatwouldnotcomeoff。Itwasimpossibletotellifsheheardhim；withtheirunspokentalesofinfanttragedies，oftroublesandpainsbeyondheryears，theeyesstareddrearilypasthisshoulder。"Nowliedown，mydarlinggirl，andtrytogotosleep。I’llbebackinalittlewhiletoseeyou，sodon’tworry，doyouhear？We’lltalkaboutitthen。"

"Issheallright？"askedPaddyashecamebackintothelounge。FatherRalphreachedforthewhiskeybottlestandingonthesideboard，andpouredatumblerhalffull。

"Idon’thonestlyknow。Godinheaven，Paddy，IwishIknewwhichisanIrishman’sgreatercurse，thedrinkorthetemper。Whatpossessedyoutosaythat？No，don’tevenbotheranswering！Thetemper。It’strue，ofcourse。Iknewhewasn’tyoursthemomentIfirstsawhim。"

"There’snotmuchmissesyou，isthere？"

"Isupposenot。However，itdoesn’ttakemuchmorethanveryordinarypowersofobservationtoseewhenthevariousmembersofmyparisharetroubled，orinpain。Andhavingseen，itismydutytodowhatIcantohelp。"

"You’reverywelllikedinGilly，Father。"

"ForwhichnodoubtImaythankmyfaceandmyfigure，"saidthepriestbitterly，unabletomakeitsoundaslightashehadintended。"Isthatwhatyouthink？Ican’tagree，Father。Welikeyoubecauseyou’reagoodpastor。"

"Well，Iseemtobethoroughlyembroiledinyourtroubles，atanyrate，"saidFatherRalphuncomfortably。"You’dbestgetitoffyourchest，man。"Paddystaredintothefire，whichhehadbuiltuptotheproportionsofafurnacewhilethepriestwasputtingMeggietobed，inanexcessofremorseandfrantic

1921-1928RALPHtobedoingsomething。Theemptyglassinhishandshookinaseriesofrapidjerks；FatherRalphgotupforthewhiskeybottleandreplenishedit。AfteralongdraftPaddysighed，wipingtheforgottentearsfromhisface。"Idon’tknowwhoFrank’sfatheris。IthappenedbeforeImetFee。HerpeoplearepracticallyNewZealand’sfirstfamilysocially，andherfatherhadabigwheat-and-sheeppropertyoutsideAshburtonintheSouthIsland。Moneywasnoobject，andFeewashisonlydaughter。AsIunderstandit，he’dplannedherlifeforher-atriptotheoldcountry，adebutatcourt，therighthusband。Shehadneverliftedahandinthehouse，ofcourse。Theyhadmaidsandbutlersandhorsesandbigcarriages；theylivedlikelords。"Iwasthedairyhand，andsometimesIusedtoseeFeeinthedistance，walkingwithalittleboyabouteighteenmonthsold。Thenextthing，oldJamesArmstrongcametoseeme。Hisdaughter，hesaid，haddisgracedthefamily；shewasn’tmarriedandshehadachild。Ithalebeenhushedup，ofcourse，butwhentheytriedtogetherawayhergrandmothermadesuchafusstheyhadnochoicebuttokeepherontheplace，inspiteoftheawkwardness。Nowthegrandmotherwasdying，therewasnothingtostopthemgettingridofFeeandherchild。Iwasasingleman，Jamessaid；ifI’dmarryherandguaranteetotakeheroutoftheSouthIsland，they’dpayourtravelingexpensesandanadditionalfivehundredpounds。"Well，Father，itwasafortunetome，andIwastiredofthesinglelife。ButIwasalwayssoshyIwasneveranygoodwiththegirls。Itseemedlikeagoodideatome，andIhonestlydidn’tmindthechild。Thegrandmothergotwindofitandsentforme，eventhoughshewasveryill。Shewasatartarinherday，I’llbet，butareallady。ShetoldmeabitaboutFee，butshedidn’tsaywhothefatherwas，andIdidn’tliketoask。Anyway，shemademepromisetobegoodtoFeesheknewthey’dhaveFeeofftheplacetheminuteshewasdead，soshehadsuggestedtoJamesthattheyfindFeeahusband。Ifeltsorryforthepooroldthing；shewasterriblyfondofFee。

"Wouldyoubelieve，Father，thatthefirsttimeIwasevercloseenoughtoFeetosayhellotoherwasthedayImarriedher？""Oh，I’dbelieveit，"thepriestsaidunderhisbreath。Helookedattheliquidinhisglass，thendraineditandreachedforthebottle，fillingbothglasses。"Soyoumarriedaladyfaraboveyou，Paddy。"

"Yes。Iwasfrightenedtodeathofheratfirst。Shewassobeautifulinthosedays，Father，andso……outofit，ifyouknowwhatImean。Asifshewasn’teventhere，asifitwasallhappeningtosomeoneelse。""She’sstillbeautiful，Paddy，"saidFatherRalphgently。"IcanseeinMeggiewhatshemusthavebeenlikebeforeshebegantoage。"

"Ithasn’tbeenaneasylifeforher，Father，butIdon’tknowwhatelseIcouldhavedone。Atleastwithmeshewassafe，andnotabused。Ittookmetwoyearstogetupthecouragetobe-well，arealhusbandtoher。Ihadtoteachhertocook，tosweepafloor，washandironclothes。Shedidn’tknowhow。

"Andneveronceinalltheyearswe’vebeenmarried，Father，hassheevercomplained，orlaughed，orcried。It’sonlyinthemostprivatepartofourlifetogetherthatsheeverdisplaysanyfeeling，andeventhensheneverspeaks。Ihopeshewill，yetIdon’twantherto，becauseIalwayshavetheideaifshedid，itwouldbehisnameshe’dsay。Oh，Idon’tmeanshedoesn’tlikeme，orourchildren。ButIlovehersomuch，anditjustseemstomeshehasn’tgotthatsortoffeelingleftinher。ExceptforFrank。I’vealwaysknownshelovedFrankmorethantherestofusputtogether。Shemusthavelovedhisfather。ButIdon’tknowathingabouttheman，whohewas，whyshecouldn’tmarryhim。"

FatherRalphlookeddownathishands，blinking。

"Oh，Paddy，whathellitistobealive！ThankGodIhaven’tthecouragetotrymorethanthefringeofit。"

Paddygotup，ratherunsteadily。"Well，I’vedoneitnow，Father，haven’tI？I’vesentFrankaway，andFeewillneverforgiveme。"

"Youcan’ttellher，Paddy。No，youmustn’ttellher，ever。JusttellherFrankranawaywiththeboxersandleaveitatthat。SheknowshowrestlessFrank’sbeen；she’llbelieveyou。"

"Icouldn’tdothat，Father！"Paddywasaghast。"You’vegotto，Paddy。Hasn’tsheknownenoughpainandmisery？Don’theapmoreonherhead。"Andtohimselfhethought:Whoknows？Maybeshe’lllearntogivetheloveshehasforFranktoyouatlast，toyouandthelittlethingupstairs。

"Youreallythinkthat，Father？"

"Ido。Whathappenedtonightmustgonofurther。"

"ButwhataboutMeggie？Shehearditall。"

"Don’tworryaboutMeggie，I’lltakecareofher。Idon’tthinksheunderstoodmoreofwhatwentonthanthatyouandFrankquarreled。I’llmakeherseethatwithFrankgone，totellhermotherofthequarrelwouldonlybeanadditionalgrief。Besides，IhaveafeelingMeggiedoesn’ttellhermothermuchtobeginwith。"Hegotup。"Gotobed，Paddy。You’vegottoseemnormalanddanceattendanceonMarytomorrow，remember？"Meggiewasnotasleep；shewaslyingwitheyeswideinthedimlightofthelittlelampbesideherbed。Thepriestsatdownbesideherandnoticedherhairstillinitsbraids。Carefullyheuntiedthenavyribbonsandpulledgentlyuntilthehairlayinarippling，moltensheetacrossthepillow。"Frankhasgoneaway，Meggie，"hesaid。

"Iknow，Father。"

"Doyouknowwhy，darting？"

"HehadafightwithDaddy。"

"Whatareyougoingtodo？"

"I’mgoingtogowithFrank。Heneedsme。"

"Youcan’t，myMeggie。"

"Yes，Ican。Iwasgoingtofindhimtonight，butmylegswouldn’tholdmeup，andIdon’tlikethedark。ButinthemorningI’lllookforhim。""No，Meggie，youmustn’t。Yousee，Frank’sgothisownlifetolead，andit’stimehewentaway。Iknowyoudon’twanthimtogoaway，buthe’sbeenwantingtogoforalongtime。Youmustn’tbeselfish；you’vegottolethimlivehisownlife。"Themonotonyofrepetition，hethought，keepondrummingitin。"Whenwegrowupit’snaturalandrightforustowantalifeawayfromthehomewegrewupin，andFrankisagrownman。Heoughttohavehisownhomenow，hisownwifeandfamily。Doyouseethat，Meggie？ThefightbetweenyourdaddyandFrankwasonlyasignofFrank’swantingtogo。Itdidn’thappenbecausetheydon’tlikeeachother。Ithappenedbecausethat’sthewayalotofyoungmenleavehome，it’sasortofexcuse。ThefightwasjustanexcuseforFranktodowhathe’sbeenwantingtodoforalongtime，anexcuseforFranktoleave。Doyouunderstandthat，myMeggie？"Hereyesshiftedtohisfaceandrestedthere。Theyweresoexhausted，sofullofpain，soold。"Iknow，"shesaid。"Iknow。FrankwantedtogoawaywhenIwasalittlegirl，andhedidn’tgo。Daddybroughthimbackandmadehimstaywithus。"

"ButthistimeDaddyisn’tgoingtobringhimback，becauseDaddycan’tmakehimstaynow。Frankhasgoneforgood，Meggie。Heisn’tcomingback。""Won’tIeverseehimagain？"

"Idon’tknow，"heansweredhonestly。"I’dliketosayofcourseyouwill，butnoonecanpredictthefuture，Meggie，evenpriests。"Hedrewabreath。"Youmustn’ttellMumtherewasafight，Meggie，doyouhearme？Itwouldupsetherverymuch，andsheisn’twell。"

"Becausethere’sgoingtobeanotherbaby？"

"Whatdoyouknowaboutthat？"

"Mumlikesgrowingbabies；she’sdoneitalot。Andshegrowssuchnicebabies，Father，evenwhensheisn’twell。I’mgoingtogrowonelikeHalmyself，thenIwon’tmissFranksomuch，willI？""Parthenogenesis，"hesaid。"Goodluck，Meggie。Onlywhatifyoudon’tmanagetogrowone？"

"I’vestillgotHal，"shesaidsleepily，nestlingdown。Thenshesaid，"Father，willyougoaway，too？Willyou？"

"Oneday，Meggie。Butnotsoon，Ithink，sodon’tworry。IhaveafeelingI’mgoingtobestuckinGillyforalong，longtime，"answeredthepriest，hiseyesbitter。

Therewasnohelpforit，Meggiehadtocomehome。Feecouldnotmanagewithouther，andthemomenthewasleftaloneattheconventinGilly，Stuartwentonahungerstrike，sohetoocamebacktoDrogheda。ItwasAugust，andbitterlycold。JustayearsincetheyhadarrivedinAustralia；butthiswasacolderwinterthanlast。Therainwasabsentandtheairwassocrispithurtthelungs。UponthetopsoftheGreatDividethreehundredmilestotheeast，snowlaythickerthaninmanyyears，butnorainhadfallenwestofBurrenJunctionsincethemonsoonaldrenchingoftheprevioussummer。PeopleinGillywerespeakingofanotherdrought:itwasoverdue，itmustcome，perhapsthiswouldbeit。WhenMeggiesawhermother，shefeltasifanawfulweightsettleduponherbeing；maybealeaving-behindofchildhood，apresentimentofwhatitwastobeawoman。Outwardlytherewasnochange，asidefromthebigbelly；butinwardlyFeehadsloweddownlikeatiredoldclock，runningtimedownanddownuntilitwasforeverstilled。ThebrisknessMeggiehadneverknownabsentfromhermotherhadgone。Shepickedherfeetupandputthemdownagainasifshewasnolongersureoftherightwaytodoit，asortofspiritualfumblinggotintohergait；andtherewasnojoyinherforthecomingbaby，noteventherigidlycontrolledcontentshehadshownoverHal。Thatlittlered-hairedfellowwastoddlingalloverthehouse，constantlyintoeverything，butFeemadenoattempttodisciplinehim，orevensupervisehisactivities。Sheploddedinherself-perpetuatingcircleofstove，worktableandsinkasifnothingelseexisted。SoMeggiehadnochoice；shesimplyfilledthevacuuminthechild’slifeandbecamehismother。Itwasn’tanysacrifice，forshelovedhimdearlyandfoundhimahelpless，willingtargetforalltheloveshewasbeginningtowanttolavishonsomehumancreature。Hecriedforher，hespokehernamebeforeallothers，heliftedhisarmstohertobepickedup；itwassosatisfyingitfilledherwithjoy。Inspiteofthedrudgery，theknittingandmendingandsewing，thewashing，theironing，thehens，alltheotherjobsshehadtodo，Meggiefoundherlifeverypleasant。

NooneevermentionedFrank，buteverysixweeksFeewouldliftherheadwhensheheardthemailcall，andforawhilebeanimated。ThenMrs。Smithwouldbringintheirshareofwhateverhadcome，andwhenitcontainednoletterfromFrankthesmallburstofpainfulinterestwoulddie。Thereweretwonewlivesinthehouse。Feewasdeliveredoftwins，twomoretinyred-hairedClearyboys，christenedJamesandPatrick。Thedearestlittlefellows，withtheirfather’ssunnydispositionandhissweetnessofnature，theybecamecommonpropertyimmediatelytheywereborn，for"beyondgivingthemmilkFeetooknointerestinthem。SoontheirnameswereshortenedtoJimsandPatsy；theywereprimefavoriteswiththewomenupatthebighouse，thetwospinstermaidsandthewidowedchildlesshousekeeper，whowerestarvedforthedeliciousnessofbabies。ItwasmademagicallyeasyforFeetoforgetthem-theyhadthreeveryeagermothers-andastimewentonitbecametheacceptedthingthattheyshouldspendmostoftheirwakinghoursupatthebighouse。Meggiejustdidn’thavetimetotakethemunderherwingaswellasmanagingHal，whowasextremelypossessive。Notforhimtheawkward，unpracticedblandishmentsofMrs。Smith，MinnieandCat。MeggiewasthelovingnucleusofHal’sworld；hewantednoonebutMeggie，hewouldhavenoonebutMeggie。

BlueyWilliamstradedinhislovelydrafthorsesandhismassivedrayforatruckandthemailcameeveryfourweeksinsteadofeverysix，buttherewasneverawordfromFrank。Andgraduallyhismemoryslippedalittle，asmemoriesdo，eventhosewithsomuchloveattachedtothem；asifthereisanunconscioushealingprocesswithinthemindwhichmendsupinspiteofourdesperatedeterminationnevertoforget。ToMeggie，anachingfadingofthewayFrankhadlooked，ablurringofthebelovedlineamentstosomefuzzy，saintlikeimagenomorerelatedtotherealFrankthanaholypictureChristtowhatmusthavebeentheMan。AndtoFee，fromoutofthosesilentdepthsinwhichshehadstilledtheevolutionofhersoul，asubstitution。Itcameaboutsounobtrusivelythatnoonenoticed。ForFeekeptherselffoldedupwithquietness，andatotalundemonstrativeness；thesubstitutionwasaninnerthingnoonehadtimetosee，exceptthenewobjectofherlove，whomadenooutwardsign。Itwasahidden，unspokenthingbetweenthem，somethingtobuffertheirloneliness。

Perhapsitwasinevitable，forofallherchildrenStuartwastheonlyonelikeher。AtfourteenhewasasbigamysterytohisfatherandbrothersasFrankhadbeen，butunlikeFrankheengenderednohostility，noirritation。Hedidashewastoldwithoutcomplaint，workedashardasanyoneandcreatedabsolutelynoripplesinthepoolofClearylife。Thoughhishairwasredhewasthedarkestofalltheboys，moremahogany，andhiseyeswereasclearaspalewaterintheshade，asiftheyreachedallthewaybackintimetotheverybeginning，andsaweverythingasitreallywas。HewasalsotheonlyoneofPaddy’ssonswhopromisedadulthandsomeness，thoughprivatelyMeggiethoughtherHalwouldoutshinehimwhenitcamehisturntogrowup。NooneeverknewwhatStuartwasthinking；likeFee，hespokelittleandneverairedanopinion。Andhehadacuriousknackofbeingutterlystill，asstillwithinhimselfashewasinbody，andtoMeggie，closesttohiminage，itseemedhecouldgosomewherenooneelsecouldeverfollow。FatherRalphexpresseditanotherway。"Thatladisn’thuman！"hehadexclaimedthedayhedumpedahunger-strikingStuartbackatDroghedaafterhewasleftattheconventminusMeggie。"Didhesayhewantedtogohome？DidhesayhemissedMeggie？No！Hejuststoppedeatingandpatientlywaitedforthereasonwhytosinkintoourthickskulls。Notoncedidheopenhismouthtocomplain，andwhenImarcheduptohimandyelleddidhewanttogohome，hesimplysmiledatmeandnodded！"

ButastimewentonitwastacitlyassumedthatStuartwouldnotgooutintothepaddockstoworkwithPaddyandtheotherboys，eventhoughinagehemighthave。Stuwouldremainonguardatthehouse，chopthewood，takecareofthevegetablegarden，dothemilking-thehugenumberofdutiesthewomenhadnotimeforwiththreebabiesinthehouse。Itwasprudenttohaveamanabouttheplace，albeitahalf-grownone；itgaveproofofothermencloseby。Fortherewerevisitors-theclumpofstrangebootsuptheplankstepstothebackveranda，astrangevoicesaying:"Hullo，Missus，gotabitoftuckerforaman？"TheOutbackhadswarmsofthem，swagmenhumpingtheirblueysfromstationtostation，downfromQueenslandandupfromVictoria，menwhohadlosttheirluckorwerecharyofholdingaregularjob，preferringtotramponfootthousandsofmilesinsearchofonlytheyknewwhat。Mostlytheyweredecentfellows，whoappeared，ateahugemeal，packedabitofdonatedteaandsugarandflourinthefoldsoftheirblueys，thendisappeareddownthetrackheadedforBarcoolaorNarrengang，batteredoldbillycansbouncing，skinnydogsbellydownbehindthem。Australianitinerantsrarelyrode；theywalked。

Occasionallyabadmanwouldcome，onthelookoutforwomenwhosemenwereaway；withaviewtorobbery，notrape。ThusFeekeptashotgunstandingloadedinacornerofthekitchenwherethebabiescouldn’tgettoit，andmadesureshewasclosertoitthanhervisitoruntilherexperteyeassessedhischaracter。AfterStuartwasofficiallyallottedthehouseashisdomain，Feepassedtheshotguntohimgladly。

Notallthevisitorswereswaggies，thoughtheywereinthemajority；therewastheWatkinsmaninhisoldmodel-T，forinstance。Hecarriedeverythingfromhorselinimenttofragrantsoapunliketherock-hardstuffFeemadeinthelaundrycopperfromfatandcaustic；hehadlavenderwaterandeaudecologne，powdersandcreamsforsun-driedfaces。TherewerecertainthingsoneneverdreamedofbuyingfromanyonebuttheWatkinsman；likehisointment，betterbyfarthananydrugstoreorprescriptionsalve，capableofhealinganythingfromarentinthesideofaworkdogtoanulceronahumanshin。Thewomenwouldcrowdaroundineverykitchenhevisited，waitingeagerlyforhimtopopopenhisbigsuitcaseofwares。Andtherewereothersalesmen，lessregularpatrollersoftheback-blocksthantheWatkinsmanbutequallywelcome，hawkingeverythingfromtailor-madecigarettesandfancypipestowholeboltsofmaterial，sometimesevenluridlyseductiveunderwearandlavishlyberibbonedstays。Theyweresostarved，thesewomenoftheOutback，limitedtomaybeoneortwotripsayearintothenearesttown，farfromthebrilliantshopsofSydney，farfromfashionsandfemininefurbelows。

Lifeseemedmostlyfliesanddust。Therehadnotbeenanyraininalongtime，evenasprinkletosettlethedustanddrowntheflies；forthelessrain，themoreflies，themoredust。

Everyceilingwasfestoonedwithlong，lazilyspinninghelixesofstickyflypaper，blackwithbodieswithinadayofbeingtackedup。Nothingcouldbeleftuncoveredforamomentwithoutbecomingeitheranorgyoragraveyardfortheflies，andtinyspecklesofflydirtdewedthefurniture，thewalls，theGillanboneGeneralStorecalendar。

Andoh，thedust！Therewasnogettingawayfromit，thatfine-grainedbrownpowderwhichseepedintoeventightlyliddedcontainers，dulledfreshlywashedhair，madetheskingritty，layinthefoldsofclothesandcurtains，smearedafilmacrosspolishedtableswhichresettledthemomentitwaswhiskedaway。Thefloorswerethickwithit，fromcarelesslywipedbootsandthehotdrywinddriftingitthroughtheopendoorsandwindows；FeewasforcedtorollupherPersiancarpetsintheparlorandhaveStuartnaildownlinoleumsheboughtsightunseenfromthestoreinGilly。Thekitchen，whichtookmostofthetrafficfromoutside，wasflooredinteakplanksbleachedtothecolorofoldbonesbyendlessscrubbingwithawirebrushandlyesoap。FeeandMeggiewouldstrewitwithsawdustStuartcarefullycollectedfromthewoodheap，sprinklethesawdustwithpreciousparticlesofwaterandsweepthedamp，pungent-fragrantmessawayoutofdoors，downofftheverandaontothevegetablegarden，theretodecomposeitselftohumus。

Butnothingkeptthedustatbayforlong，andafterawhilethecreekdrieduptoastringofwaterholes，sothattherewasnowatertobepumpedupfromittokitchenorbathroom。Stuarttookthetanktruckouttotheboreheadandbroughtitbackfull，emptieditintooneofthespareraintanks，andthewomenhadtogetusedtoadifferentkindofhorriblewaterondishesandclothesandbodies，worsethanmuddycreekwater。Therank，sulphur-smellingminerallystuffhadtobewipedoffdishesscrupulously，andmadethehairdullandcoarse，likestraw。Whatlittlerainwatertheyhadwasusedstrictlyfordrinkingandcooking。

FatherRalphwatchedMeggietenderly。ShewasbrushingPatsy’scurlyredhead，Jimsstandingobedientlybutalittlerockilywaitingforhisturn，bothpairsofbrightblueeyesturneduptoheradoringly。Justlikeatinymother，shewas。Ithadtobeathingborninthem，hemused，thatpeculiarobsessionwomenhadforinfants，elseatherageshewouldhaveregardeditasadutyratherthanpurepleasure，andbeenofftodosomethingmorealluringasfastasshecould。Insteadshewasdeliberatelyprolongingtheprocess，crimpingPatsy’shairbetweenherfingerstoshapewavesoutofitsunruliness。Forawhilethepriestwascharmedwithheractivity，thenhewhackedthesideofhisdustybootwithhiscropandstaredmoodilyofftheverandatowardthebighouse，hiddenbyitsghostgumsandvines，theprofusionofstationbuildingsandpeppertreeswhichlaybetweenitsisolationandthishubofstationlife，theheadstockman’sresidence。Whatplotwassheweaving，thatoldspiderupthereatthecenterofhervastweb？"Father，you’renotwatching！"Meggieaccusedhim。"I’msorry，Meggie。Iwasthinking。"HeturnedbacktoherasshefinishedwithJims；thethreeofthemstoodwatchinghimexpectantlyuntilhebentandscoopedthetwinsup，oneoneitherhip。"Let’sgoandseeyourAuntieMary，shallwe？"

Meggiefollowedhimupthetrackcarryinghiscropandleadingthechestnutmare；hetotedtheinfantswitheasyfamiliarityandseemednottomind，thoughitwasalmostamilefromthecreektothebighouse。AtthecookhouseherelinquishedthetwinstoanecstaticMrs。SmithandpassedonupthewalkwaytothemainhousewithMeggiebyhisside。MaryCarsonwassittinginherwingchair。Shehardlyevermovedfromitthesedays；therewasnotthenecessityanymorewithPaddysocapableofoverseeingthings。AsFatherRalphcameinholdingMeggie’shand，hermalevolentgazebeatthechild’sdown；FatherRalphfelttheincreaseinMeggie’spulserateandsqueezedherwristsympathetically。Thelittlegirldroppedherauntaclumsycurtsy，murmuringaninaudiblegreeting。"Gotothekitchen，girl，haveyourteawithMrs。Smith，"saidMaryCarsoncurtly。

"Whydon’tyoulikeher？"FatherRalphaskedashesankintothechairhehadcometothinkofashisown。

"Becauseyoudo，"sheanswered。

"Oh，comenow！"Foronceshemadehimfeelataloss。"She’sjustawaif，Mary。"

"That’snotwhatyouseeinher，andyouknowit。"

Thefineblueeyesrestedonhersardonically；hewasmoreatease。"DoyouthinkItamperwithchildren？Iam，afterall，apriest！""You’reamanfirst，RalphdeBricassart！Beingapriestmakesyoufeelsafe，that’sall。"

Startled，helaughed。Somehowhecouldn’tfencewithhertoday；itwasasifshehadfoundthechinkinhisarmor，creptinsidewithherspider’spoison。Andhewaschanging，growingolderperhaps，becomingreconciledtoobscurityinGillanbone。Thefiresweredying；orwasitthatheburnednowforotherthings？

"Iamnotaman，"hesaid。"Iamapriest……It’stheheat，maybe，thedustandtheflies……ButIamnotaman，Mary。I’mapriest。""Oh，Ralph，howyou’vechanged！"shemocked。"CanthisbeCardinaldeBricassartIhear？"

"Itisn’tpossible，"hesaid，apassingunhappinessinhiseyes。"Idon’tthinkIwantitanymore。"

Shebegantolaugh，rockingbackandforthinher

chair，watchinghim。"Don’tyou，Ralph？Don’tyou？Well，I’llletyoustewalittlewhilelonger，butyourdayofreckoningiscoming，neverdoubtit。Notyet，notfortwoorthreeyears，perhaps，butitwillcome。I’llbeliketheDevil，andofferyou-Enoughsaid！ButneverdoubtI’llmakeyouwrithe。You’rethemostfascinatingmanI’veevermet。Youthrowyourbeautyinourteeth，contemptuousofourfoolishness。ButI’llpinyoutothewallonyourownweakness，I’llmakeyousellyourselflikeanypaintedwhore。Doyoudoubtit？"

Heleanedback，smiling。"Idon’tdoubtyou’lltry。ButIdon’tthinkyouknowmeaswellasyouthinkyoudo。"

"DoInot？Timewilltell，Ralph，andonlytime。I’mold；Ihavenothingbuttimelefttome。"

"AndwhatdoyouthinkIhave？"heasked。"Time，Mary，nothingbuttime。Time，anddust，andflies。"

Thecloudsheapedthemselvesinthesky，andPaddybegantohopeforrain。"Drystorms，"saidMaryCarson。"Wewon’tgetrainoutofthis。Wewon’tgetanyrainforalongtime。"

IftheClearysthoughttheyhadseentheworstthatAustraliacouldofferinthewayofclimaticharshness，itwasbecausetheyhadn’tyetexperiencedthedrystormsofdrought-doggedplains。Bereftofsoothingdampness，thedrynessoftheearthandtheairrubbedeachotherrawandcrackling，anirritatingfrictionwhichbuiltupandupandupuntilitcouldendonlyinagargantuandissipationofaccumulatedenergy。TheskydroppedanddarkenedsomuchFeehadtolightthelampsindoors；outinthestockyardsthehorsesshiveredandjumpedattheslightestnoise；thehenssoughttheirperchesandsanktheirheadsintoapprehensivebreasts；thedogsfoughtandsnarled；thetamepigswhichrootedamongtherubbishof，thestationdumpburrowedtheirsnoutsintothedustandpeeredoutofitwithbright，skittisheyes。Broodingforcespentintheheavensstruckfearintothebonesofalllivingthings，asthevastdeepcloudsswallowedthesunwholeandpreparedtospewsolarfireovertheearth。

Thundercamemarchingfromfarawaywithincreasingtread，tinyflickersonthehorizoncastsoaringbillowsintosharprelief，crestsofstartlingwhitenessfoamedandcurledovermidnight-bluedepths。Then，witharoaringwindthatsuckedupthedustandflungitstingingineyesandearsandmouths，camethecataclysm。NolongerdidtheytrytoimaginethebiblicalwrathofGod；theylivedthroughit。Nomancouldhavekepthimselffromjumpingwhenthethundercracked-itexplodedwiththenoiseandfuryofadisintegratingworld-butafterawhiletheassembledhouseholdgrewsoinuredtoittheycreptoutontotheverandaandstaredacrossthecreekatthefarpaddocks。Greatforksoflightningstoodribbedinveinsoffireallaroundthesky，dozensofboltseachandeverymoment；naphthaflashesinchainsstreakedacrosstheclouds，inandoutthebillowsinafantastichide-and-seek。Blastedtreesaloneinthegrassreekedandsmoked，andtheyunderstoodatlastwhytheselonelypaddocksentinelsweredead。Aneerie，unearthlyglowseepedintotheair，airwhichwasnolongerinvisiblebutonfirefromwithin，fluorescingpinkandlilacandsulphuryellow，andsmellingofsomehauntinglysweet，elusiveperfumequitebeyondrecognition。Thetreesshimmered，theredClearyhairwashaloedintonguesoffire，thehairsoftheirarmsstoodoutstiffly。Andallafternoonitwenton，onlyslowlyfadingintotheeasttoreleasethemfromitsawesomespellatsunset，andtheywereexcited，onedge，unappeased。Notadropofrainhadfallen。Butitwaslikedyingandcomingbacktolifeagain，tohavesurvivedtheatmospherictantrumunscathed；itwasalltheycouldtalkaboutforaweek。

"We’llgetalotmore，"saidMaryCarson，bored。Theydidgetalotmore。Theseconddrywintercameincolderthantheyhadthoughtitcouldgetwithoutsnow；frostsettledinchesthickonthegroundatnight，andthedogshuddledshiveringintheirkennels，keepingwarmbygorgingonkangaroomeatandmoundsoffatfromthehomestead’sslaughteredcattle。Atleasttheweathermeantbeefandporktoeatinsteadoftheeternalmutton。Inthehousetheybuiltgreatroaringfires，andthemenwereforcedtocomehomewhentheycould，foratnightinthepaddockstheyfroze。Buttheshearerswhentheyarrivedwereinamoodforrejoicing；theycouldgetthroughfasterandsweatless。Ateachman’sstandinthegreatshedwasacircleofflooringmuchlighterincolorthantherest，thespotwherefiftyyearsofshearershadstooddrippingtheirbleachingsweatintothewoodoftheboard。

Therewasstillgrassfromthefloodlongago，butitwasthinningominously。Dayafterdaytheskieswereovercastandthelightdull，butitneverrained。Thewindhowledsadlyacrossthepaddocks，spinningdriftingbrownsheetsofdustbeforeitlikerain，tormentingthemindwithimagesofwater。Somuchlikerainitlooked，thatraggedlyblowingdust。Thechildrendevelopedchilblainsontheirfingers，triednottosmilewithcrackedlips，hadtopeeltheirsocksawayfrombleedingheelsandshins。Itwasquiteimpossibletokeepwarminthefaceofthatbitterhighwind，especiallywhenthehouseshadbeendesignedtocatcheverystraypuffofair，notkeepitout。Goingtobedinicybedrooms，gettingupinicybedrooms，waitingpatientlyforMumtosparealittlehotwaterfromthegreatkettleonthehobsothatwashingwasnotateeth-chattering，painfulordeal。

OnedaysmallHalstartedtocoughandwheeze，andrapidlygrewworse。Feemixedupaglueyhotpoulticeofcharcoalandspreaditonhislaboringlittlechest，butitseemedtogivehimnorelief。Atfirstshewasnotundulyworried，butasthedaydrewonhebegantodeterioratesoquicklyshenolongerhadanyideawhattodo，andMeggiesatbyhissidewringingherhands，prayingawordlessstreamofOurFathersandHailMarys。WhenPaddycameinatsixthechild’sbreathingwasaudiblefromtheveranda，andhislipswereblue。Paddysetoffatonceforthebighouseandthetelephone，butthedoctorwasfortymilesawayandoutonanothercase。Theyignitedapanofsulphurandheldhimoveritinanattempttomakehimcoughupthemembraneinhisthroatslowlychokinghim，buthecouldnotmanagetocontracthisribcageenoughtodislodgeit。Hiscolorwasgrowingadeeperblue，hisrespirationwasconvulsive。Meggiesatholdinghimand。praying，herheartsqueezedtoawedgeofpainbecausethepoorlittlefellowfoughtsoforeverybreath。Ofallthechildren，Halwasthedearesttoher；shewashismother。Neverbeforehadshewishedsodesperatelytobeagrown-upmother，thinkingthatweresheawomanlikeFee，shewouldsomehowhavethepowertohealhim。Feecouldn’thealhimbecauseFeewasn’thismother。Confusedandterrified，sheheldtheheavinglittlebodyclose，tryingtohelpHalbreathe。Itneveroccurredtoherthathemightdie，evenwhenFeeandPaddysanktotheirkneesbythebedandprayed，notknowingwhatelsetodo。AtmidnightPaddypriedMeggie’sarmsfromaroundthestillchild，andlaidhimdowntenderlyagainstthestackofpillows。

Meggie’seyesflewopen；shehadhalffallentosleep，lulledbecauseHalhadstoppedstruggling。"Oh，Daddy，he’sbetter！"shesaid。Paddyshookhishead；heseemedshriveledandold，thelamppickingupfrostybitsinhishair，frostybitsinhisweek-longbeard。"No，Meggie，Hal’snotbetterinthewayyoumean，buthe’satpeace。He’sgonetoGod，he’soutofhispain。"

"Daddymeanshe’sdead，"saidFeetonelessly。"Oh，Daddy，no！Hecan’tbedead。"

Butthesmallcreatureinthepillowednestwasdead。

Meggieknewitthemomentshelooked，thoughshehadneverseendeathbefore。Helookedlikeadoll，notachild。Shegotupandwentouttotheboys，sittinghunchedinanuneasyvigilaroundthekitchenfire，withMrs。Smithonahardchairnearbykeepinganeyeonthetinytwins，whosecothadbeenmovedintothekitchenforwarmth。

"Haljustdied，"saidMeggie。

Stuartlookedupfromadistantreverie。"It’sbetterso，"hesaid。"Thinkofthepeace。"HegottohisfeetasFeecameoutofthehallway，andwenttoherwithouttouchingher。"Mum，youmustbetired。Comeandliedown；I’lllightafireforyouinyourroom。Comeonnow，liedown。"

Feeturnedandfollowedhimwithoutaword。Bobgotupandwentoutontotheveranda。Therestoftheboyssatshufflingforawhileandthenjoinedhim。Paddyhadn’tappearedatall。WithoutawordMrs。SmithtooktheperambulatorfromitscorneroftheverandaandcarefullyputthesleepingJimsandPatsyintoit。ShelookedacrossatMeggie，tearsrunningdownherface。

"Meggie，I’mgoingbacktothebighouse，andI’mtakingJimsandPatsywithme。I’llbebackinthemorning，butit’sbestifthebabiesstaywithMinnieandCatandmeforawhile。Tellyourmother。"

Meggiesatdownonavacantchairandfoldedherhandsinherlap。Oh，hewashersandhewasdead！LittleHal，whomshehadcaredforandlovedandmothered。Thespaceinhermindhehadoccupiedwasnotyetempty；shecouldstillfeelthewarmweightofhimagainstherchest。Itwasterribletoknowtheweightwouldneverrestthereagain，whereshehadfeltitforfourlongyears。No，notathingtocryover；tearswereforAgnes，forwoundsinthefragilesheathofself-esteem，andthechildhoodshehadleftbehindforever。Thiswasaburdenshewouldhavetocarryuntiltheendofherdays，andcontinueinspiteofit。

Thewilltosurviveisverystronginsome，notsostronginothers。InMeggieitwasasrefinedandtensileasasteelhawser。JustsodidFatherRalphfindherwhenhecameinwiththedoctor。Shepointedsilentlytothehallwaybutmadenoefforttofollowthem。AnditwasalongtimebeforethepriestcouldfinallydowhathehadwantedtodosinceMaryCarsonphonedthepresbytery；gotoMeggie，bewithher，givethepoorlittlefemaleoutsidersomethingfromhimselfforherveryown。HedoubtedthatanyoneelsefullyappreciatedwhatHalmeanttoher。Butitwasalongtime。Therewerethelastritestobeadministered，incasethesoulhadnotyetleftthebody；andFeetosee，Paddytosee，practicaladvicetogive。Thedoctorhadgone，dejectedbutlongusedtothetragedieshisfar-flungpracticemadeinevitable。Fromwhattheysaid，littlehecouldhavedoneanyway，sofarfromhishospitalandhistrainednursingstaff。Thesepeopletooktheirchances，theyfacedtheirdemonsandhungon。Hisdeathcertificatewouldsay"Croup。"Itwasahandymalady。EventuallytherewasnothingleftforFatherRalphtoseeto。PaddyhadgonetoFee，Bobandtheboystothecarpentryshedtomakethelittlecoffin。StuartwasonthefloorinFee’sbedroom，hispureprofilesolikeherownsilhouettedagainstthenightskyoutsidethewindow；fromwhereshelayonherpillowwithPaddy’shandinhers，Feeneverlefthercontemplationofthedarkshapehuddledonthecoldfloor。Itwasfiveo’clockinthemorningandtheroosterswerestirringdrowsily，butitwouldbedarkforalongtimeyet。

Purplestolearoundhisneckbecausehe。hadforgottenhewaswearingit，FatherRalphbenttothekitchenfireandbuiltitupfromembersintoablaze，turneddownthelamponthetablebehind，andsatonawoodenbenchoppositeMeggietowatchher。Shehadgrown，putonseven-leaguebootswhichthreatenedtoleavehimbehind，outstripped；hefelthisinadequacythenmorekeenly，watchingher，thaneverhehadinalifefilledwithagnawing，obsessivedoubtofhiscourage。Onlywhatwasheafraidof？Whatdidhethinkhecouldn’tfaceifitcame？Hecouldbestrongforotherpeople，hedidn’tfearotherpeople；butwithinhimself，expectingthatnamelesssomethingtocomeslidingintoconsciousnesswhenheleastexpectedit，heknewfear。WhileMeggie，borneighteenyearsafterhim，wasgrowingbeyondhim。Notthatshewasasaint，orindeedanythingmorethanmost。Onlythatshenevercomplained，thatshehadthegift-orwasitthecurse？-ofacceptance。Nomatterwhathadgoneorwhatmightcome，sheconfronteditandacceptedit，storeditawaytofuelthefurnaceofherbeing。Whathadtaughtherthat？Coulditbetaught？Orwashisideaofherafigmentofhisownfantasies？Diditreallymatter？Whichwasmoreimportant:whatshetrulywas，orwhathethoughtshewas？

"Oh，Meggie，"hesaidhelplessly。

Sheturnedhergazetohimandoutofherpaingavehimasmileofabsolute，overflowinglove，nothinginitheldback，thetaboosandinhibitionsofwomanhoodnotyetapartofherworld。Tobesolovedshookhim，consumedhim，madehimwishtotheGodWhoseexistencehesometimesdoubtedthathewasanyoneintheuniversebutRalphdeBricassart。Wasthisit，theunknownthing？Oh，God，whydidheloveherso？Butasusualnooneansweredhim；andMeggiesatstillsmilingathim。AtdawnFeegotuptomakebreakfast，Stuarthelpingher，thenMrs。SmithcamebackwithMinnieandCat，andthefourwomenstoodtogetherbythestovetalkinginhushedmonotones，boundinsomeleagueofgriefneitherMeggienorthepriestunderstood。AfterthemealMeggiewenttolinethelittlewoodenboxtheboyshadmade，planedsmoothandvarnished。SilentlyFeehadgivenherawhitesatineveninggownlongsincegonetothehueofivorywithage，andshefittedstripsofittothehardcontoursoftheboxinterior。WhileFatherRalphputatowelingpaddinginitsheranthepiecesofsatinintoshapeonthesewingmachine，thentogethertheyfixedthelininginplacewiththumbtacks。AndafterthatFeedressedherbabyinhisbestvelvetsuit，combedhishairandlaidhiminthesoftnestwhichsmelledofher，butnotofMeggie，whohadbeenhismother。Paddycloseddownthelid，weeping；thiswasthefirstchildhehadlost。ForyearsthereceptionroomatDroghedahadbeeninuseasachapel；analtarhadbeenbuiltatoneend，andwasdrapedingoldenraimentMaryCarsonhadpaidthenunsofSt。Maryd’Ursoathousandpoundstoembroider。Mrs。SmithhaddeckedtheroomandthealtarwithwinterflowersfromDrogheda’sgardens，wallflowersandearlystocksandlateroses，massesofthemlikepinkandrustypaintingsmagicallyfindingthedimensionofscent。Inalacelesswhitealbandablackchasublefreeofanyornamentation，FatherRalphsaidtheRequiemMass。

AswithmostofthegreatOutbackstations，Droghedaburieditsdeadonitsownland。Thecemeterylaybeyondthegardensbythewillow-litteredbanksofthecreek，boundedbyawhite-paintedwrought-ironrailingandgreeneveninthisdrytime，foritwaswateredfromthehomesteadtanks。MichaelCarson*andhisbabysonwereentombedthereinanimposingmarblevault，alife-sizeangelontopofitspedimentwithsworddrawntoguardtheirrest。Butperhapsadozenlesspretentiousplotsringedthemausoleum，markedonlybyplainwhitewoodencrossesandwhitecroquethoopstodefinetheirneatboundaries，someofthembareevenofaname:ashearerwithnoknownrelativeswhohaddiedinabarracksbrawl；twoorthreeswaggieswhoselastearthlycallingplacehadbeenDrogheda；somesexlessandtotallyanonymousbonesfoundinoneofthepaddocks；

MichaelCarson’sChinesecook，overwhoseremainsstoodaquaintscarletumbrella，whosesadsmallbellsseemedperpetuallytochimeoutthenameHeeSing，HeeSing，HeeSing；adroverwhosecrosssaidonlyTANKSTANDCHARLIEHEWASAGOODBLOKE；andmorebesides，someofthemwomen。ButsuchsimplicitywasnotforHal，theowner’snephew；theystowedhishomemadeboxonashelfinsidethevaultandclosedelaboratebronzedoorsuponit。

AfterawhileeveryoneceasedtospeakofHalexceptinpassing。Meggie’ssorrowshekeptexclusivelytoherself；herpainhadtheunreasoningdesolationpeculiartochildren，magnifiedandmysterious，yetherveryyouthburieditbeneatheverydayevents，anddiminisheditsimportance。TheboyswerelittleaffectedsaveBob，whohadbeenoldenoughtobefondofhistinybrother。Paddygrieveddeeply，butnooneknewwhetherFeegrieved。Itseemedshegrewfurtherandfurtherawayfromhusbandandchildren，fromallfeeling。Becauseofthis，PaddywassogratefultoStuforthewayhemindedhismother，thegravetendernesswithwhichhetreatedher。OnlyPaddyknewhowFeehadlookedthedayhecamebackfromGillywithoutFrank。Therehadnotbeenaflickerofemotioninthosesoftgreyeyes，nothardeningnoraccusation，hateorsorrow。Asifshehadsimplybeenwaitingfortheblowtofalllikeacondemneddogforthekillingbullet，knowingherfateandpowerlesstoavoidit。

"Iknewhewouldn’tcomeback，"shesaid。

"Maybehewill，Fee，ifyouwritetohimquickly，"Paddysaid。Sheshookherhead，butbeingFeewentintonoexplanations。BetterthatFrankmadeanewlifeforhimselffarfromDroghedaandher。Sheknewhersonwellenoughtobeconvincedthatonewordfromherwouldbringhimback，soshemustnotutterthatword，ever。Ifthedayswerelongandbitterwithasenseoffailure，shemustbearitinsilence。Paddyhadn’tbeenthemanofherchoice，butabettermanthanPaddyneverlived。Shewasoneofthosepeoplewhosefeelingsaresointensetheybecomeunbearable，unlivable，andherlessonhadbeenaharshone。Foralmosttwenty-fiveyearsshehadbeencrushingemotionoutofexistence，andshewasconvincedthatintheendpersistencewouldsucceed。

Lifewentonintherhythmic，endlesscycleoftheland；thefollowingsummertherainscame，notmonsoonalbutaby-productofthem，fillingthecreekandthetanks，succoringthethirstinggrassroots，spongingawaythestealthydust。Almostweepinginjoy，themenwentaboutthebusinessofthepatternedseasons，secureintheknowledgetheywouldnothavetohandfeedthesheep。Thegrasshadlastedjustlongenough，ekedoutbyscrub-cuttingfromthemorejuicytrees；butitwasnotsoonalltheGillystations。Howmanystockastationcarrieddependedentirelyonthegrazierrunningit。ForitsgreatsizeDroghedawasunderstocked，whichmeantthegrasslastedjustthatmuchlonger。

Lambingandthehecticweeksthatfolloweditwerebusiestofallinthesheepcalendar。Everylambbornhadtobecaught；itstailwasringed，itsearmarked，andifitwasamalenotrequiredforbreedingitwasalsocastrated。Filthy，abominableworkwhichsoakedthemtotheskinwithblood，fortherewasonlyonewaytowadethroughthousandsuponthousandsofmalelambsintheshorttimeavailable。Thetesticleswerepoppedoutbetweenthefingersandbittenoff，spatontheground。Circledbytinbandsincapableofexpanding，thetailsofmaleandfemalelambsalikegraduallylosttheirvitalbloodysupply，swelled，witheredanddroppedoff。Thesewerethefinestwoolsheepintheworld，raisedonascaleunheardofinanyothercountry，andwithapaucityofmanpower。Everythingwasgearedtotheperfectproductionofperfectwool。Therewascrutching；aroundthesheep’srearendthewoolgrewfoulwithexcrement，fly-blown，blackandlumpedtogetherinwhatwerecalleddags。Thisareahadtobekeptshavenclose，orcrutched。Itwasaminorshearingjobbutonefarlesspleasing，stinkingandfly-ridden，anditpaidbetterrates。Thentherewasdipping:thousandsuponthousandsofbleating，leapingcreatureswerehoundedandyankedthroughamazeofruns，inandoutofthephenyldipswhichridthemofticks，pestsandvermin。Anddrenching:theadministrationofmedicinethroughhugesyringesrammeddownthethroat，toridthesheepofintestinalparasites。

Forworkwiththesheepnever，neverended；asonejobfinisheditbecametimeforanother。Theyweremusteredandgraded，movedfromonepaddocktoanother，bredandunbred，shornandcrutched，dippedanddrenched，slaughteredandshippedofftobesold。Droghedacarriedaboutathousandheadofprimebeefcattleaswellasitssheep，butsheepwerefarmoreprofitable，soingoodtimesDroghedacarriedaboutonesheepforeverytwoacresofitsland，orabout125，000altogether。Beingmerinos，theywereneversoldformeat；attheendofamerino’swool-producingyearsitwasshippedofftobecomeskins，lanolin，tallowandglue，usefulonlytothetanneriesandtheknackeries。

ThusitwasthatgraduallytheclassicsofBushliteraturetookonmeaning。ReadinghadbecomemoreimportantthanevertotheClearys，isolatedfromtheworldonDrogheda；theironlycontactwithitwasthroughthemagicwrittenword。Buttherewasnolendinglibraryclose，astherehadbeeninWahine，noweeklytripintotownformailandnewspapersandafreshstackoflibrarybooks，astherehadbeeninWahine。FatherRalphfilledthebreachbyplunderingtheGillanbonelibrary，hisownandtheconvent’sshelves，andfoundtohisastonishmentthatbeforehewasdonehehadorganizedawholeBushcirculatinglibraryviaBlueyWilliamsandthemailtruck。Itwasperpetuallyloadedwithbooks-worn，thumbedvolumeswhichtraveleddownthetracksbetweenDroghedaandBugela，Dibban-DibbanandBraichyPwll，CunnamuttaandEach-Uisge，seizedupongratefullybymindsstarvedforsustenanceandescape。Treasuredstorieswerealwaysreturnedwithgreatreluctance，butFatherRalphandthenunskeptacarefulrecordofwhatbooksstayedlongestwhere，thenFatherRalphwouldordercopiesthroughtheGillynewsagencyandblandlychargethemtoMaryCarsonasdonationstotheHolyCrossBushBibliophilicSociety。Thosewerethedayswhenabookwasluckytocontainachastekiss，whenthesenseswerenevertitillatedbyeroticpassages，sothatthedemarcationlinebetweenbooksmeantforadultsandthosemeantforolderchildrenwaslessstrictlydrawn，andtherewasnodisgraceforamanofPaddy’sagetolovebestthebookshischildrenalsoadored:DotandtheKangaroo，theBillabongseriesaboutJimandNorahandWally，Mrs。AeneasGunn’simmortalWeoftheNever-Never。InthekitchenatnighttheywouldtaketurnstoreadthepoemsofBanjoPatersonandC。J。Dennisoutloud，thrillingtotherideof"TheManfromSnowyRiver，"orlaughingwith"TheSentimentalBloke"andhisDoreen，orwipingawaysurreptitioustearsshedforJohnO’Hara’s"LaughingMary。"

IhadwrittenhimaletterwhichIhad，forwantofbetterKnowledge，senttowhereImethimdowntheLachlanyearsago；HewasshearingwhenIknewhim，soIsentthelettertohim，Justonspec，addressedasfollows，"Clancy，oftheOverflow。"

Andananswercamedirectedinawritingunexpected(andIthinkthesamewaswrittenwithathumb-naildippedintar)；’Twashisshearingmatewhowroteit，andverbatimIwillquoteit:"Clancy’sgonetoQueenslanddroving，andwedon’tknowwhereheare。"

InmywilderraticfancyvisionscometomeofClancyGonea-droving"downtheCooper"wheretheWesterndroversgo；AsthestockareslowlystringingClancyridesbehindthemsinging，Forthedrover’slifehaspleasuresthatthetownsfolkneverknow。Andthebushhasfriendstomeethim，andtheirkindlyvoicesgreethimInthemurmurofthebreezesandtheriveronitsbars，Andheseesthevisionsplendidofthesunlitplainsextended，Andatnightthewondrousgloryoftheeverlastingstars。

"ClancyoftheOverflow"waseveryone’sfavorite，"theBanjo"theirfavoritepoet。Hoppity-go-kickdoggerel，perhaps，butthepoemshadneverbeenintendedfortheeyesofsophisticatedsavants；theywereforthepeople，ofthepeople，andmoreAustraliansofthatdaycouldrecitethemoffbyheartthanknewthestandardschoolroompiecesbyTennysonandWordsworth，fortheirbrandofhoppity-go-kickdoggerelwaswrittenwithEnglandasinspiration。CrowdsofdaffodilsandfieldsofasphodelmeantnothingtotheClearys，livinginaclimatewhereneithercouldexist。TheClearysunderstoodthebushpoetsbetterthanmost，fortheOverflowwastheirbackyard，thetravelingsheeparealityontheTSR’S。TherewasanofficialTravelingStockRouteorTSRwindingitswayneartheBarwonRiver，freecrownlandforthetransferenceoflivingmerchandisefromoneendoftheeasternhalfofthecontinenttotheother。Intheolddaysdroversandtheirhungry，grass-ruiningmobsofstockhadnotbeenwelcome，andthebullockiesahatedbreedastheyinchedtheirmammothteamsoffromtwentytoeightyoxenthroughthemiddleofthesquatters"bestgrazing。Now，withofficialstockroutesforthedroversandthebullockiesvanishedintolegend，thingsweremoreamicablebetweenvagabondsandstay-puts。

Theoccasionaldroverswerewelcomedastheyrodeinforabeerandatalk，ahome-cookedmeal。Sometimestheybroughtwomenwiththem，drivingbatteredoldsulkieswithgalledex-stockhorsesbetweentheshafts，potsandbilliesandbottlesbangingandclankinginafringeallaround。ThesewerethemostcheerfulorthemostmorosewomenintheOutback，driftingfromKynunatotheParoo，fromGoondiwinditoGundagai；，fromtheKatherinetotheCurry。Strangewomen；theyneverknewaroofovertheirheadsorthefeelofakapokmattressbeneaththeiriron-hardspines。Nomanhadbestedthem；theywereastoughandenduringasthecountrywhichflowedundertheirrestlessfeet。Wildasthebirdsinthesun-drenchedtrees，theirchildrenskulkedshylybehindthesulkywheelsorscuttledfortheprotectionofthewoodheapwhiletheirparentsyarnedovercupsoftea，swappedtallstoriesandbooks，promisedtopassonvaguemessagestoHoopironCollinsorBrumbyWaters，andtoldthefantastictaleofthePommyjackarooonGnarlunga。Andsomehowyoucouldbesuretheserootlesswanderershaddugagrave，buriedachildorawife，ahusbandoramate，undersomenever-to-be-forgottencoolibahonastretchoftheTSRwhichonlylookedthesametothosewhodidn’tknowhowheartscouldmarkoutassingularandspecialonetreeinawildernessoftrees。

Meggiewasignorantevenofthemeaningofaphraseashackneyedas"thefactsoflife，"forcircumstanceshadconspiredtoblockeveryavenuewherebyshemighthavelearned。Herfatherdrewarigidlinebetweenthemalesofthefamilyandthefemales；subjectslikebreedingormatingwereneverdiscussedinfrontofthewomen，nordidthemeneverappearinfrontofthewomenunlessfullyclothed。ThekindofbooksthatmighthavegivenheraclueneverappearedonDrogheda，andshehadnofriendsofherownagetocon-tributetohereducation。Herlifewasabsolutelyharnessedtotheneedsofthehouse，andaroundthehousetherewerenosexualactivitiesatall。TheHomePaddockcreatureswerealmostliterallysterile。MaryCarsondidn’tbreedhorses，sheboughtthemfromMartinKingofBugela，whodid；unlessonebredhorsesstallionswereanuisance，soDroghedadidn’thaveanystallions。Itdidhaveabull，awildandsavagebeastwhosepenwasstrictlyoutofbounds，andMeggiewassofrightenedofitsheneverwentanywherenearit。Thedogswerekeptkenneledandchained，theirmatingascientific，supervisedexerciseconductedunderPaddy’sorBob’seagleeye，thereforealsooutofbounds。Norwastheretimetowatchthepigs，whichMeggiehatedandresentedhavingtofeed。Intruth，therewasn’ttimeforMeggietowatchanyonebeyondhertwotinybrothers。Andignorancebreedsignorance；anunawakenedbodyandmindsleepthrougheventswhichawarenesscataloguesautomatically。

JustbeforeMeggie’sfifteenthbirthday，asthesummerheatwasbuildinguptowarditsstupefyingpeak，shenoticedbrown，streakystainsonherdrawers。Afteradayortwotheywentaway，butsixweekslatertheycameback，andhershameturnedtoterror。Thefirsttimeshehadthoughtthemsignsofadirtybottom，thushermortification，butintheirsecondappearancetheybecameunmistakablyblood。Shehadnoideawherethebloodwascomingfrom，butassumeditwasherbottom。Theslowhemorrhagewasgonethreedayslater，anddidnotrecurforovertwomonths；herfurtivewashingofthedrawershadgoneunnoticed，forshedidmostofthelaundryanyway。Thenextattackbroughtpain，thefirstnon-biliousrigorsofherlife。Andthebleedingwasworse，farworse。Shestolesomeofthetwins’discardeddiapersandtriedtobindherselfunderherdrawers，terrifiedthebloodwouldcomethrough。DeathtakingHalhadbeenlikeatempestuousvisitfromsomethingghostly；butthisstrung-outcessationofherownbeingwasterrifying。HowcouldshepossiblygotoFeeorPaddytobreakthenewsthatshewasdyingfromsomedisreputable，forbiddendiseaseofthebottom？OnlytoFrankmightshehavepouredouthertorment，butFrankwassofarawayshedidn’tknowwheretofindhim。Shehadlistenedtothewomentalkovertheircupsofteaoftumorsandcancers，gruesomelingeringdeathstheirfriendsormothersorsistershadendured，anditseemedtoMeggiesuretobesomekindofgrowtheatingherinsidesaway，chewingsilentlyuptowardherfrightenedheart。Oh，shedidn’twanttodie！

Herideasabouttheconditionofdeathwerevague；shewasn’tevenclearonwhatherstatuswouldbeinthatincomprehensibleotherworld。ReligiontoMeggiewasasetoflawsratherthanaspiritualexperience，itcouldn’thelpheratall。Wordsandphrasesjostledpiecemealinherpanickedconsciousness，utteredbyherparents，theirfriends，thenuns，priestsinsermons，badmeninbooksthreateningvengeance。Therewasnowayshecouldcometotermswithdeath；shelaynightafternightinaconfusedterror，tryingtoimagineifdeathwasperpetualnight，oranabyssofflamesshehadtojumpovertoreachthegoldenfieldsonthefarside，orasphereliketheinsideofagiganticballoonfullofsoaringchoirsandlightattenuatedthroughlimitlessstained-glasswindows。Shegrewveryquiet，butinamannerquitedifferentfromStuart’speaceful，dreamyisolation；herswasthepetrifiedfreezingofananimalcaughtintheserpent’sbasiliskstare。Ifshewasspokentosuddenlyshejumped，ifthelittleonescriedforhershefussedovertheminanagonyofexpiationforherneglect。Andwhenevershehadararemomenttoherselfsheranaway，downtothecemeteryandHal，whowastheonlydeadpersonsheknew。

Everyonenoticedthechangeinher，butaccepteditasMeggiegrowingupwithoutonceaskingthemselveswhatgrowingupforMeggieentailed；shehidherdistresstoowell。Theoldlessonshadbeenwelllearned；herself-controlwasphenomenalandherprideformidable。Noonemusteverknowwhatwentoninsideher，thefacademustcontinueflawlesstotheend；fromFeetoFranktoStuarttheexampleswerethere，andshewasofthesameblood，itwasapartofhernatureandherheritage。ButasFatherRalphpaidhisfrequentvisitstoDroghedaandthechangeinMeggiedeepenedfromaprettyfemininemetamorphosistoaquenchingofallhervitality，hisconcernforhermushroomedintoworry，andthenintofear。Aphysicalandspiritualwastingawaywastakingplacebeneathhisveryeyes；shewasslippingawayfromthem，andhecouldn’tbeartoseeherbecomeanotherFee。Thesmallpointedfacewasalleyesstaringatsomedreadfulprospect，themilkyopaqueskinwhichnevertannedorfreckledwasgrowingmoretranslucent。Iftheprocesswenton，hethought，shewouldonedaydisappearintoherowneyeslikeasnakeswallowingitstail，untilshedriftedthroughtheuniverseasanalmostinvisibleshaftofglassygreylight，seenonlyfromthecornerofthevisionwhereshadowslurkandblackthingscrawldownawhitewall。

Well，hewouldfindoutifhehadtowringitfromherforcibly。MaryCarsonwasathermostdemandingthesedays，jealousofeverymomenthespentdownattheheadstockman’shouse；onlytheinfinitepatienceofasubtle，deviousmankepthisrebellionagainstherpossessivenesshiddenfromher。EvenhisalienpreoccupationwithMeggiecouldn’talwaysovercomehispoliticwisdom，thepurringcontenthederivedfromwatchinghischarmworkonsuchacantankerous，refractorysubjectasMaryCarson。Whilethatlong-dormantcareforthewelfareofasingleotherpersonchampedandstampedupanddownhismind，heacknowledgedtheexistenceofanotherentitydwellingsidebysidewithit:thecat-coldcrueltyofgettingthebetterof，makingafoolofaconceited，masterfulwoman。Oh，he’dalwayslikedtodothat！Theoldspiderwouldnevergetthebetterofhim。

EventuallyhemanagedtoshakefreeofMaryCarsonandrunMeggietoearthinthelittlegraveyardundertheshadowofthepallid，unwarlikeavengingangel。Shewasstaringupintoitsmawkishlyplacidfacewithshrinkingfearwrittenonherown，anexquisitecontrastbetweenthefeelingandtheunfeeling，hethought。Butwhatwashedoinghere，chasingafterherlikeacluckyoldhenwhenitwasreallynoneofhisbusiness，whenitoughttobehermotherorherfathertofindoutwhatwasthematter？Onlythattheyhadn’tseenanythingwrong，thatshedidn’tmattertothemthewayshematteredtohim。Andthathewasapriest，hemustgivecomforttothelonelyorthedespairinginspirit。Hecouldn’tbeartoseeherunhappy，yetheshrankfromthewayhewastyinghimselftoherbyanaccumulationofevents。Hewasmakingawholearsenalofhappeningsandmemoriesoutofher，andhewasafraid。Hisloveforherandhispriestlyinstincttoofferhimselfinanyrequiredspiritualcapacitywarredwithanobsessivehorrorofbecomingutterlynecessarytosomeonehuman，andofhavingsomeonehumanbecomeutterlynecessarytohimself。Assheheardhimwalkacrossthegrasssheturnedtoconfronthim，foldingherhandsinherlapandlookingdownatherfeet。Hesatnearher，armslockedaroundhisknees，thesoutaneinfoldsnomoregracefulthantheeasylengthofthebodyinhabitingit。Nosensebeatingaroundthebush，hedecided；ifshecould，shewouldevadehim。

"What’sthematter，Meggie？"

"Nothing，Father。"

"Idon’tbelieveyou。"

"Please，Father，please！Ican’ttellyou！"

"Oh，Meggie！Yeoflittlefaith！Youcantellmeanything，anythingunderthesun。That’swhatI’mherefor，that’swhyI’mapriest。IamOurLord’schosenrepresentativehereonearth，IlistenonHisbehalf，IevenforgiveonHisbehalf。And，weeMeggie，thereisnothinginGod’suniverseHeandIcannotfinditinourheartstoforgive。Youmusttellmewhatthematteris，mylove，becauseifanyonecanhelpyou，1c。AslongasIliveI’lltrytohelpyou，watchoveryou。Ifyoulike，asortofguardianangel，betterbyfarthanthatchunkofmarbleaboveyourhead。"Hetookabreathandleanedforward。"Meggie，ifyouloveme，tellme！"

Herhandsgrippedoneanother。"Father，I’mdying！I’vegotcancer！"Firstcameawilddesiretolaugh，agreatsurgeofuproariousanticlimax；thenhelookedatthethinblueskin，thewastingofherlittlearms，andtherecameanawfullongingtoweepandcry，screamofitsunfairnesstotheroofofheaven。No，Meggiewouldn’timaginethisoutofnothing；therehadtobeavalidreason。

"Howdoyouknow，dearheart？"

Ittookheralongtimetosayit，andwhenshedidhehadtobendhisheadrightdowntoherlipsinanunconsciousparodyoftheconfessionalpose，hand

shieldinghisfacefromhereyes，finelymodeledearpresentedforthesullying。

"It’ssixmonths，Father，sinceitstarted。Igetthemostawfulpainsinmytummy，butnotlikeabiliousattack，and-oh，Father！-alotofbloodrunsoutofmybottom！"

Hisheadrearedback，somethingwhichhadneverhappenedinsidetheconfessional；hestareddownathershamedbentheadwithsomanyemotionsassaultinghimthathecouldnotmarshalhiswits。Anabsurd，deliciousrelief；anangeratFeesogreathewantedtokillher；awedadmirationforsuchalittlethingasher，tobearsomuchsowell；andaghastly，all-pervasiveembarrassment。

Hewasasmuchaprisonerofthetimesasshewas。ThecheapgirlsineverytownhehadknownfromDublintoGillanbonewoulddeliberatelycomeintotheconfessionaltowhispertheirfantasiestohimasactualhappenings，concernedwiththeonlyfacetofhimwhichinterestedthem，hismanhood，andnotwillingtoadmititlaybeyondtheirpowertoarouseit。Theymutteredofmenviolatingeveryorifice，ofillicitgameswithothergirls，oflustandadultery，oneortwoofsuperiorimaginationevengoingsofarastodetailsexualrelationswithapriest。Andhewouldlistentotallyunmovedsaveforasickcontempt，forhehadbeenthroughtherigorsoftheseminaryandthatparticularlessonwasaneasyoneforamanofhistype。Butthegirls，never，nevermentionedthatsecretactivitywhichsetthemapart，demeanedthem。

Tryashewould，hecouldnotpreventthescorchingtidefromdiffusingupunderhisskin；FatherRalphdeBricassartsatwithhisfaceturnedawaybehindhishandandwrithedthroughthehumiliationofhisfirstblush。Butthiswasn’thelpinghisMeggie。Whenhewassurethecolorhadsubsidedhegottohisfeet，pickedherupandsatheronaflat-toppedmarblepedestal，whereherfaceandhiswerelevel。

"Meggie，lookatme。No，lookatme！"

Sheraisedhuntedeyesandsawthathewassmiling；animmeasurablecontentmentfilledhersoulatonce。Hewouldnotsmilesoifsheweredying；sheknewverywellhowmuchshemeanttohim，forhehadneverconcealedit。

"Meggie，you’renotdyingandyouhaven’tgotcancer。Itisn’tmyplacetotellyouwhat’sthematter，butIthinkIhadbetter。Yourmothershouldhavetoldyouyearsago，preparedyou，andwhyshedidn’tisbeyondme。"Helookedupattheinscrutablemarbleangelabovehimandgaveapeculiar，half-strangledlaugh。"DearJesus！ThethingsThougivestmetodo！"Then，tothewaitingMeggie:"Inyearstocome，asyougrowolderandlearnmoreaboutthewaysoftheworld，youmightbetemptedtoremembertodaywithembarrassment，evenshame。Butdon’tremembertodaylikethat，Meggie。There’sabsolutelynothingshamefulorembarrassingaboutit。Inthis，asineverythingIdo，IamsimplytheinstrumentofOurLord。Itismyonlyfunctiononthisearth；Imustadmitnoother。Youwereveryfrightened，youneededhelp，andOurLordhassentyouthathelpinmyperson。Rememberthatalone，Meggie。IamOurLord’spriest，andIspeakinHisName。"You’reonlydoingwhatallwomendo，Meggie。Onceamonthforseveraldaysyou’llpassblood。Itstartsusuallyaroundtwelveorthirteenyearsofage-howoldareyou，asmuchasthat？"

"I’mfifteen，Father。"

"Fifteen？You？"Heshookhishead，onlyhalfbelievingher。"Well，ifyousayyouare，I’llhavetotakeyourwordforit。Inwhichcaseyou’relaterthanmostgirls。Butitcontinueseverymonthuntilyou’reaboutfifty，andinsomewomenit’sasregularasthephasesofthemoon，inothersit’snotsopredictable。Somewomenhavenopainwithit，otherssufferalotofpain。Nooneknowswhyit’ssodifferentfromonewomantoanother。Buttopassbloodeverymonthisasignthatyou’remature。Doyouknowwhat"mature’means？""Ofcourse，Father！Iread！Itmeansgrownup。"

"Allright，thatwilldo。Whileeverthebleedingpersists，you’recapableofhavingchildren。Thebleedingisapartofthecycleofprocreation。InthedaysbeforetheFall，itissaidEvedidn’tmenstruate。Thepropernameforitismenstruation，tomenstruate。ButwhenAdamandEvefell，GodpunishedthewomanmorethanHedidtheman，becauseitwasreallyherfaulttheyfell。Shetemptedtheman。DoyourememberthewordsinyourBiblehistory？"Insorrowthoushaltbringforthchildren。"WhatGodmeantwasthatforawomaneverythinghavingtodowithchildreninvolvespain。Greatjoy，butalsogreatpain。Itisyourlot，Meggie，andyoumustacceptit。"Shedidn’tknowit，butjustsowouldhehaveofferedcomfortandhelptoanyofhisparishioners，ifwithalessintensepersonalinvolvement；soverykindly，butneveridentifyinghimselfwiththetrouble。And，perhapsnotsooddly，therebythecomfortandhelpheofferedwasallthegreater。Asifhehadgonebeyondsuchsmallthings，sotheywereboundtopass。Itwasnotaconsciousthinginhim，either；noonewhocametohimforsuccoreverfeltthathelookeddownonthem，orblamedthemfortheirweaknesses。Manypriestslefttheirpeoplefeelingguilty，worthlessorbestial，butheneverdid。Forhemadethemthinkthathe，too，hadhissorrowsandhisstruggles；aliensorrowsandincomprehensiblestruggles，perhaps，yetnolessreal。Heneitherknewnorcouldhavebeenbroughttounderstandthatthelargerpartofhisappealandattractionlaynotinhisperson，butinthisaloof，almostgodlike，veryhumansomethingfromhissoul。

AsfarasMeggiewasconcerned，hetalkedtoherthewayFrankhadtalkedtoher:asifshewerehisequal。

Buthewasolder，wiserandfarbettereducatedthanFrank，amoresatisfactoryconfidant。Andhowbeautifulhisvoicewas，withitsfaintIrishnessandpearshapedBritishness。Ittookallthefearandanguishaway。Yetshewasyoung，fullofcuriosity，eagernowtoknowalltherewastoknow，andnottroubledbytheperplexingphilosophiesofthosewhoconstantlyquestionnotthewhoofthemselvesbutthewhy。Hewasherfriend，thecherishedidolofherheart，thenewsuninherfirmament。"Whyshouldn’tyoutellme，Father？WhydidyousayitoughttobeMum？""It’sasubjectwomenkeepverymuchtothemselves。Tomentionmenstruationorone’speriodinfrontofmenorboysjustisn’tdone，Meggie。It’ssomethingstrictlybetweenwomen。"

Heshookhishead，andlaughed。"Tobehonest，Ireallydon’tknowwhy。Ievenwishitweren’tso。Butyoumusttakemywordforitthatitisso。Nevermentionittoasoulexceptyourmother，anddon’ttellheryoudiscusseditwithme。"

"Allright，Father，Iwon’t。"

Itwasdamnablydifficult，thisbeingamother；somanypracticalconsiderationstoremember！"Meggie，youmustgohomeandtellyourmotheryou’vebeenpassingblood，andaskhertoshowyouhowtofixyourselfup。""Mumdoesit，too？"

"Allhealthywomendo。Butwhenthey’reexpectingababytheystopuntilafterthebabyisborn。That’showwomentellthey’reexpectingbabies。""Whydotheystopwhenthey’reexpectingbabies？""Idon’tknow，Ireallydon’t。Sorry，Meggie。"

"Whydoesthebloodcomeoutofmybottom，Father？"Heglaredupattheangel，whichlookedbackathimserenely，nottroubledbywomen’stroubles。ThingsweregettingtoostickyforFatherRalph。Amazingthatshepersistedwhenshewasusuallysoreticent！Yetrealizinghehadbecomethesourceofherknowledgeabouteverythingshecouldn’tfindinbooks，heknewhertoowelltogiveheranyhintofhisembarrassmentordiscomfort。Shewouldwithdrawintoherselfandneveraskhimanythingagain。

Soheansweredpatiently，"Itdoesn’tcomeoutofyourbottom，Meggie。Thereisahiddenpassagewayinfrontofyourbottom，whichhastodowithchildren。"

"Oh！Wheretheygetout，youmean，"shesaid。"Ialwayswonderedhowtheygotout。"

Hegrinned，andliftedherdownfromherpedestal。"Nowyouknow。Doyouknowwhatmakesbabies，Meggie？"

"Oh，yes，"shesaidimportantly，gladsheknewatleastsomething。"Yougrowthem，Father。"

"Whatcausesthemtostartgrowing？"

"Youwishthem。"

"Whotoldyouthat？"

"Noone。Iworkeditoutformyself，"shesaid。FatherRalphclosedhiseyesandtoldhimselfthathecouldn’tpossiblybecalledacowardforleavingmatterswheretheystood。Hecouldpityher，buthecouldn’thelpheranyfurther。Enoughwasenough。

MaryCarsonwasgoingtobeseventy-twoyearsold，andshewasplanningthebiggestpartytobeheldonDroghedainfiftyyears。HerbirthdayfellatthestartofNovember，whenitwashotbutstillbearable-atleastforGillynatives。

"Markthat，Mrs。Smith！"Minniewhispered。"Doyemarkthat！Novemberthet’urrdherselfwasborn！"

"Whatareyouonaboutnow，Min？"thehousekeeperasked。Minnie’sCelticmysteriousnessgotonherowngoodsteadyEnglishnerves。"Why，andtobesureitmeansherselfisaScorpiowoman，doesitnot？AScorpiowoman，now！"

"Ihaven’tgottheslightestideawhatyou’retalkingabout，Min！""Thewurrstsignawomancanfindherselfborninto，Mrs。Smithdarlin"。Och，they’rechildrenoftheDevil，sotheyare！"saidCat，round-eyed，blessingherself。

"Honestly，Minnie，youandCatarethedizzylimit，"saidMrs。Smith，notawhitimpressed。

Butexcitementwasrunninghigh，andwouldrunhigher。Theoldspiderinherwingchairattheexactcenterofherwebissuedanever-endingstreamoforders；thiswastobedone，thatwastobedone，suchandsuchwastobetakenoutofstorage，orputintoStorage。ThetwoIrishmaidsranpolishingsilverandwashingthebestHavilandchina，turningthechapelbackintoareceptionroomandreadyingitsadjacentdiningrooms。

HinderedratherthanhelpedbythelittleClearyboys，Stuartandateamofrouseaboutsmowedandscythedthelawn，weededtheflowerbeds，sprinkleddampsawdustontheverandastocleardustfrombetweentheSpanishtiles，anddrychalkonthereceptionroomfloortomakeitfitfordancing。ClarenceO’Toole’sbandwascomingallthewayfromSydney，alongwithoystersandprawns，crabsandlobsters；severalwomenfromGillywerebeinghiredastemporaryhelpers。ThewholedistrictfromRudnaHunishtoInishmurraytoBugelatoNarrengangwasinaferment。Asthemarblehallwaysechoedtounaccustomedsoundsofobjectsbeingmovedandpeopleshouting，MaryCarsonshiftedherselffromherwingchairtoherdesk，drewasheetofparchmentforward，dippedherpeninthestandish，andbegantowrite。Therewasnohesitation，notsomuchasapausetoconsiderthepositioningofacomma。Forthelastfiveyearsshehadworkedouteveryintricatephraseinhermind，untilitwasabsolutelywordperfect。Itdidnottakeherlongtofinish；thereweretwosheetsofpaper，thesecondonewithagoodquarterofitblank。Butforamoment，thelastsentencecomplete，shesatoninherchair。Theroll-topdeskstoodalongsideoneofthebigwindows，sothatbysimplyturningherheadshecouldlookoutacrossthelawns。Alaughfromoutsidemadeherdoso，idlyatfirst，theninstiffeningrage。Goddamnhimandhisobsession！FatherRalphhadtaughtMeggietoride；daughterofacountryfamily，shehadneversatastrideahorseuntilthepriestremediedthedeficiency。Foroddlyenough，thedaughtersofpoorcountryfamiliesdidnotoftenride。Ridingwasapastimefortherichyoungwomenofcountryandcityalike。Oh，girlsofMeggie’sbackgroundcoulddrivebuggiesandteamsofheavyhorses，eventractorsandsometimescars，butrarelydidtheyride。Itcosttoomuchtomountadaughter。

FatherRalphhadbroughtelastic-sidedanklebootsandtwilljodhpursfromGillyandplumpedthemdownontheClearykitchentablenoisily。Paddyhadlookedupfromhisafter-dinnerbook，mildlysurprised。"Well，whathaveyougotthere，Father？"heasked。"RidingclothesforMeggie。"

"What？"bellowedPaddy’svoice。

"What？"squeakedMeggie’s。

"RidingclothesforMeggie。Honestly，Paddy，you’reafirst-classidiot！Heirtothebiggest，richeststationinNewSouthWales，andyou’veneverletyouronlydaughtersitahorse！Howdoyouthinkshe’sgoingtotakeherplacealongsideMissCarmichael，MissHopetonandMrs。AnthonyKing，equestriennesall？Meggie’sgottolearntoride，sidesaddleaswellasastride，doyouhear？Irealizeyou’rebusy，soI’mgoingtoteachMeggiemyself，andyoucanlikeitorlumpit。Ifithappenstointerferewithherdutiesinthehouse，toobad。ForafewhourseachweekFeeisjustgoingtohavetomanageminusMeggie，andthat’sthat。"

OnethingPaddycouldn’tdowasarguewithapriest；Meggielearnedtorideforthwith。Foryearsshehadlongedforthechance，hadoncetimidlyventuredtoaskherfathermightshe，buthehadforgottenthenextmomentandsheneveraskedagain，thinkingthatwasDaddy’swayofsayingno。TolearnundertheaegisofFatherRalphcastherintoajoywhichshedidn’tshow，forbythistimeheradorationofFatherRalphhadturnedintoanardent，verygirlishcrush。Knowingitwasquiteimpossible，shepermittedherselftheluxuryofdreamingabouthim，ofwonderingwhatitwouldbeliketobeheldinhisarms，receivehiskiss。Furtherthanthatherdreamscouldn’tgo，asshehadnoideawhatcamenext，oreventhatanythingcamenext。Andifsheknewitwaswrongtodreamsoofapriest，theredidn’tseemtobeanywayshecoulddisciplineherselfintonotdoingit。Thebestshecouldmanagewastomakeabsolutelysurehehadnoideaoftheunrulyturnherthoughtshadtaken。

AsMaryCarsonwatchedthroughthedrawingroomwindow，FatherRalphandMeggiewalkeddownfromthestables，whichwereonthefarsideofthebighousefromtheheadstockman’sresidence。Thestationmenroderawbonedstockhorseswhichhadneverseentheinsideofastableinalltheirlives，justshuffledaroundtheyardswhenpennedforduty，orfriskedthroughthegrassoftheHomePaddockwhenbeingspelled。ButtherewerestablesonDrogheda，thoughonlyFatherRalphusedthemnow。MaryCarsonkepttwothoroughbredhacksthereforFatherRalph’sexclusiveuse；norawbonedstockhorsesforhim。WhenhehadaskedherifMeggiemightusehismountsalso，shecouldnotverywellobject。Thegirlwasherniece，andhewasright。Sheoughttobeabletoridedecently。

WitheverybitterboneinherswollenoldbodyMaryCarsonhadwishedshehadbeenabletorefuse，orelseridewiththem。Butshecouldneitherrefusenorhoistherselfonahorseanymore。Anditgalledhertoseethemnow，strollingacrossthelawntogether，themaninhisbreechesandkneebootsandwhiteshirtasgracefulasadancer，thegirlinherjodhpursslimandboyishlybeautiful。Theyradiatedaneasyfriendship；forthemillionthtimeMaryCarsonwonderedwhynoonesaveshedeploredtheirclose，almostintimaterelationship。Paddythoughtitwonderful，Fee-logthatshewas！-saidnothing，asusual，whiletheboystreatedthemasbrotherandsister。WasitbecauseshelovedRalphdeBricassartherselfthatshesawwhatnooneelsesaw？Ordidsheimagineit，wastherereallynothingsavethefriendshipofamaninhismiddlethirtiesforagirlnotyetallthewayintowomanhood？Piffle！Nomaninhismiddlethirties，evenRalphdeBricassart，couldfailtoseetheunfoldingrose。EvenRalphdeBricassart？Hah！EspeciallyRalphdeBricassart！Nothingevermissedthatman。Herhandsweretrembling；thepensprinkleddarkbluedropsacrossthebottomofthepaper。Thegnarledfingerpluckedanothersheetfromapigeonhole，dippedthepeninthestandishagain，andrewrotethewordsassurelyasthefirsttime。Thensheheavedherselftoherfeetandmovedherbulktothedoor。

"Minnie！Minnie！"shecalled。

"Lordhelpus，it’sherself！"themaidsaidclearlyfromthereceptionroomopposite。Heragelessfreckledfacecameroundthedoor。"AndwhatmightIbegettin’forye，Mrs。Carsondarlin’？"sheasked，wonderingwhytheoldwomanhadnotrungthebellforMrs。Smith，aswasherwont。"GoandfindthefencerandTom。Sendthemheretomeatonce。""OughtInotbereportin’toMrs。Smithfurrst？""No！Justdoasyou’retold，girl！"

Tom，thegardenrouseabout，wasanold，wizenedfellowwhohadbeenonthetrackwithhisblueyandhisbilly，andtakenworkforawhileseventeenyearsago；hehadfalleninlovewiththeDroghedagardensandcouldn’tbeartoleavethem。Thefencer，adrifterlikeallhisbreed，hadbeenpulledfromtheendlesstaskofstringingtautwirebetweenpostsinthepaddockstorepairthehomestead’swhitepicketsfortheparty。Awedatthesummons，theycamewithinafewminutesandstoodinworktrousers，bracesandflannelundershirts，hatsscrewednervouslyintheirhands。"Canbothofyouwrite？"askedMrs。Carson。

Theynodded，swallowed。

"Good。Iwantyoutowatchmesignthispieceofpaper，thenfixyourownnamesandaddressesjustbelowmysignature。Doyouunderstand？"Theynodded。

"Makesureyousignthewayyoualwaysdo，andprintyourpermanentaddressesclearly。Idon’tcareifit’sapostofficegeneraldeliveryorwhat，solongasyoucanbereachedthroughit。"Thetwomenwatchedherinscribehername；itwastheonlytimeherwritingwasnotcompressed。Tomcameforward，sputteredthepenacrossthepaperpainfully，thenthefencerwrote"Chas。Hawkins"inlargeroundletters，andaSydneyaddress。MaryCarsonwatchedthemclosely；whentheyweredoneshegaveeachofthemadullredten-poundnote，anddismissedthemwithaharshinjunctiontokeeptheirmouthsshut。

Meggieandthepriesthadlongsincedisappeared。MaryCarsonsatdownatherdeskheavily，drewanothersheetofpapertowardher，andbeganoncemoretowrite。Thiscommunicationwasnotachievedwiththeeaseandfluencyofthelast。Timeandtimeagainshestoppedtothink，thenwithlipsdrawnbackinahumorlessgrin，shewouldcontinue。Itseemedshehadalottosay，forherwordswerecramped，herlinesveryclosetogether，andstillsherequiredasecondsheet。Attheendshereadwhatshehadputdown，placedallthesheetstogether，foldedthemandslidthemintoanenvelope，thebackofwhichshesealedwithredwax。

OnlyPaddy，Fee，Bob，JackandMeggieweregoingtotheparty；HughieandStuartweredeputedtomindthelittleones，muchtotheirsecretrelief。ForonceinherlifeMaryCarsonhadopenedherwalletwideenoughforthemothstoflyout，foreveryonehadnewclothes，thebestGillycouldprovide。Paddy，BobandJackwereimmobilizedbehindstarchedshirtfronts，highcollarsandwhitebowties，blacktails，blacktrousers，whitewaistcoats。Itwasgoingtobeaveryformalaffair，whitetieandtailsforthemen，sweepinggownsforthewomen。