第10章

turnedtoit。ThencameasetofyearswhensometimesIfoundit，andthenagainIwouldbewhollyunabletomakeconnectionwithit。Iremembermanyoccasionsonwhichatnightinbed，I

wouldbeunabletogettosleeponaccountofworry。Iturnedthiswayandthatinthedarkness，andgropedmentallyforthefamiliarsenseofthathighermindofmymindwhichhadalwaysseemedtobecloseathandasitwere，closingthepassage，andyieldingsupport，buttherewasnoelectriccurrent。AblankwasthereinsteadofIT：Icouldn’tfindanything。Now，attheageofnearlyfifty，mypowerofgettingintoconnectionwithithasentirelyleftme；andIhavetoconfessthatagreathelphasgoneoutofmylife。Lifehasbecomecuriouslydeadand<65>

indifferent；andIcannowseethatmyoldexperiencewasprobablyexactlythesamethingastheprayersoftheorthodox，onlyIdidnotcallthembythatname。WhatIhavespokenofas’It’waspracticallynotSpencer’sUnknowable，butjustmyowninstinctiveandindividualGod，whomIrelieduponforhighersympathy，butwhomsomehowIhavelost。”

Nothingismorecommoninthepagesofreligiousbiographythanthewayinwhichseasonsoflivelyandofdifficultfaitharedescribedasalternating。Probablyeveryreligiouspersonhastherecollectionofparticularcrisisinwhichadirectervisionofthetruth，adirectperception，perhaps，ofalivingGod’sexistence，sweptinandoverwhelmedthelanguorofthemoreordinarybelief。InJamesRussellLowell’scorrespondencethereisabriefmemorandumofanexperienceofthiskind：——

“IhadarevelationlastFridayevening。IwasatMary’s，andhappeningtosaysomethingofthepresenceofspirits(ofwhom，I

said，Iwasoftendimlyaware)，Mr。Putnamenteredintoanargumentwithmeonspiritualmatters。AsIwasspeaking，thewholesystemroseupbeforemelikeavaguedestinyloomingfromtheAbyss。IneverbeforesoclearlyfelttheSpiritofGodinmeandaroundrue。ThewholeroomseemedtomefullofGod。TheairseemedtowavertoandfrowiththepresenceofSomethingI

knewnotwhat。Ispokewiththecalmnessandclearnessofaprophet。Icannottellyouwhatthisrevelationwas。Ihavenotyetstudieditenough。ButIshallperfectitoneday，andthenyoushallhearitandacknowledgeitsgrandeur。”[27]

[27]LettersofLowell，i。75。

<66>Hereisalongerandmoredevelopedexperiencefromamanuscriptcommunicationbyaclergyman——ItakeitfromStarbuck’smanuscriptcollection：——

“Irememberthenight，andalmosttheveryspotonthehill-top，wheremysoulopenedout，asitwere，intotheInfinite，andtherewasarushingtogetherofthetwoworlds，theinnerandtheouter。Itwasdeepcallinguntodeep——thedeepthatmyownstrugglehadopenedupwithinbeingansweredbytheunfathomabledeepwithout，reachingbeyondthestars。IstoodalonewithHimwhohadmademe，andallthebeautyoftheworld，andlove，andsorrow，andeventemptation。IdidnotseekHim，butfelttheperfectunisonofmyspiritwithHis。Theordinarysenseofthingsaroundmefaded。Forthemomentnothingbutanineffablejoyandexultationremained。Itisimpossiblefullytodescribetheexperience。Itwasliketheeffectofsomegreatorchestrawhenalltheseparatenoteshavemeltedintooneswellingharmonythatleavesthelistenerconsciousofnothingsavethathissoulisbeingwaftedupwards，andalmostburstingwithitsownemotion。Theperfectstillnessofthenightwasthrilledbyamoresolemnsilence。Thedarknessheldapresencethatwasallthemorefeltbecauseitwasnotseen。IcouldnotanymorehavedoubtedthatHEwastherethanthatIwas。Indeed，Ifeltmyselftobe，ifpossible，thelessrealofthetwo。

“MyhighestfaithinGodandtruestideaofhimwerethenborninme。IhavestoodupontheMountofVisionsince，andfelttheEternalroundaboutme。Butneversincehastherecomequitethesamestirringoftheheart。Then，ifever，Ibelieve，IstoodfacetofacewithGod，andwasbornanewofhisspirit。Therewas，asIrecallit，nosuddenchangeofthoughtorofbelief，exceptthatmyearlycrudeconception，had，asitwereburstintoflower。Therewasnodestructionoftheold，butarapid，wonderfulunfolding。SincethattimenodiscussionthatIhaveheardoftheproofsofGod’sexistencehasbeenabletoshakemyfaith。HavingoncefeltthepresenceofGod’sspirit，Ihaveneverlostitagainforlong。Mymostassuringevidenceofhisexistenceisdeeplyrootedinthathourofvisioninthememoryofthatsupremeexperience，andintheconviction，gainedfromreadingandreflection，thatsomethingthesamehascometoallwhohavefoundGod。Iamawarethatitmayjustlybecalledmystical。Iamnotenoughacquaintedwithphilosophytodefenditfromthatoranyothercharge。IfeelthatinwritingofitI

haveoverlaiditwithwordsratherthanputitclearlytoyourthought。But，suchasitis，IhavedescribeditascarefullyasInowamabletodo。”

Hereisanotherdocument，evenmoredefiniteincharacter，which，thewriterbeingaSwiss，ItranslatefromtheFrenchoriginal。[28]

[28]Iborrowit，withProfessorFlournoy’spermission，fromhisrichcollectionofpsychologicaldocuments。

“Iwasinperfecthealth：wewereonoursixthdayoftramping，andingoodtraining。WehadcomethedaybeforefromSixttoTrientbyBuet。Ifeltneitherfatigue，hunger，northirst，andmystateofmindwasequallyhealthy。IhadhadatForlazgoodnewsfromhome；Iwassubjecttonoanxiety，eithernearorremote，forwehadagoodguide，andtherewasnotashadowofuncertaintyabouttheroadweshouldfollow。IcanbestdescribetheconditioninwhichIwasbycallingitastateofequilibrium。WhenallatonceIexperiencedafeelingofbeingraisedabovemyself，IfeltthepresenceofGod——ItellofthethingjustasIwasconsciousofit——asifhisgoodnessandhispowerwerepenetratingmealtogether。ThethrobofemotionwassoviolentthatIcouldbarelytelltheboystopassonandnotwaitforme。Ithensatdownonastone，unabletostandanylonger，andmyeyesoverflowedwithtears。IthankedGodthatinthecourseofmylifehehadtaughtmetoknowhim，thathesustainedmylifeandtookpitybothontheinsignificantcreatureandonthesinnerthatIwas。Ibeggedhimardentlythatmylifemightbeconsecratedtothedoingofhiswill。I

felthisreply，whichwasthatIshoulddohiswillfromdaytodayinhumilityandpoverty，leavinghim，theAlmightyGod，tobejudgeofwhetherIshouldsometimebecalledtobearwitnessmoreconspicuously。Then，slowly，theecstasyleftmyheart；

thatis，IfeltthatGodhadwithdrawnthecommunionwhichhehadgranted，andIwasabletowalkon，butveryslowly，sostronglywasIstillpossessedbytheinterioremotion。Besides，Ihadweptuninterruptedlyforseveralminutes，myeyeswereswollen，andIdidnotwishmycompanionstoseeme。Thestateofecstasymayhavelastedfourorfiveminutes，althoughitseemedatthetimetolastmuchlonger。MycomradeswaitedformetenminutesatthecrossofBarine，butItookabouttwenty-fiveorthirtyminutestojointhem，foraswellasIcanremember，theysaidthatIhadkeptthembackforabouthalfanhour。TheimpressionhadbeensoprofoundthatinclimbingslowlytheslopeIaskedmyselfifitwerepossiblethatMosesonSinaicouldhavehadamoreintimatecommunicationwithGod。IthinkitwelltoaddthatinthisecstasyofmineGodhadneitherform，color，odor，nortaste；moreover，thatthefeelingofhispresencewasaccompaniedwithnodeterminatelocalization。ItwasratherasifmypersonalityhadbeentransformedbythepresenceofaSPIRITUALSPIRIT。ButthemoreIseekwordstoexpressthisintimateintercourse，themoreIfeeltheimpossibilityofdescribingthethingbyanyofourusualimages。AtbottomtheexpressionmostapttorenderwhatIfeltisthis：Godwaspresent，thoughinvisible；hefellundernooneofmysenses，yetmyconsciousnessperceivedhim。”

Theadjective“mystical“istechnicallyapplied，mostoften。tostatesthatareofbriefduration。Ofcoursesuchhoursofraptureasthelasttwopersonsdescribearemysticalexperiences，ofwhichinalaterlectureIshallhavemuchtosay。Meanwhilehereistheabridgedrecordofanothermysticalorsemi-mysticalexperience，inamindevidentlyframedbynatureforardentpiety。IoweittoStarbuck’scollection。TheladywhogivestheaccountisthedaughterofamanwellknowninhistimeasawriteragainstChristianity。ThesuddennessofherconversionshowswellhownativethesenseofGod’spresencemustbetocertainminds。SherelatesthatshewasbroughtupinentireignoranceofChristiandoctrine，but，wheninGermany，afterbeingtalkedtobyChristianfriends，shereadtheBibleandprayed，andfinallytheplanofsalvationflasheduponherlikeastreamoflight。

<69>“Tothisday。”shewrites，“IcannotunderstanddallyingwithreligionandthecommandsofGod。TheveryinstantIheardmyFather’scrycallinguntome，myheartboundedinrecognition。

Iran，Istretchedforthmyarms，Icriedaloud，’Here，hereI

am，myFather。’Oh，happychild，whatshouldIdo？’Loveme，’

answeredmyGod。’Ido，Ido，’Icriedpassionately。’Comeuntome，’calledmyFather。’Iwill，’myheartpanted。DidIstoptoaskasinglequestion？Notone。ItneveroccurredtometoaskwhetherIwasgoodenough，ortohesitateovermyunfitness，ortofindoutwhatIthoughtofhischurch，or……towaituntilIshouldbesatisfied。Satisfied！Iwassatisfied。HadInotfoundmyGodandmyFather？Didhenotloveme？Hadhenotcalledme？WastherenotaChurchintowhichImightenter？……SincethenIhavehaddirectanswerstoprayer——sosignificantastobealmostliketalkingwithGodandhearinghisanswer。

TheideaofGod’srealityhasneverleftmeforonemoment。”

Hereisstillanothercase，thewriterbeingamanagedtwenty-seven，inwhichtheexperience，probablyalmostascharacteristic，islessvividlydescribed：——

“IhaveonanumberofoccasionsfeltthatIhadenjoyedaperiodofintimatecommunionwiththedivine。Thesemeetingscameunaskedandunexpected，andseemedtoconsistmerelyinthetemporaryobliterationoftheconventionalitieswhichusuallysurroundandcovermylife……OnceitwaswhenfromthesummitofahighmountainIlookedoveragashedandcorrugatedlandscapeextendingtoalongconvexofoceanthatascendedtothehorizon，andagainfromthesamepointwhenIcouldseenothingbeneathmebutaboundlessexpanseofwhitecloud，ontheblownsurfaceofwhichafewhighpeaks，includingtheoneIwason，seemedplungingaboutasiftheyweredraggingtheiranchors。

WhatIfeltontheseoccasionswasatemporarylossofmyownidentity，accompaniedbyanilluminationwhichrevealedtomeadeepersignificancethanIhadbeenwonttoattachtolife。ItisinthisthatIfindmyjustificationforsayingthatIhaveenjoyedcommunicationwithGod。Ofcoursetheabsenceofsuchabeingasthiswouldbechaos。Icannotconceiveoflifewithoutitspresence。”

OfthemorehabitualandsotospeakchronicsenseofGod’spresencethefollowingsamplefromProfessorStarbuck’smanuscriptcollectionmayservetogiveanidea。Itisfromamanagedforty-nine——probablythousandsofunpretendingChristianswouldwriteanalmostidenticalaccount。

“Godismorerealtomethananythoughtorthingorperson。I

feelhispresencepositively，andthemoreasIliveincloserharmonywithhislawsaswritteninmybodyandmind。Ifeelhiminthesunshineorrain；andawemingledwithadeliciousrestfulnessmostnearlydescribesmyfeelings。Italktohimastoacompanioninprayerandpraise，andourcommunionisdelightful。Heanswersmeagainandagain，ofteninwordssoclearlyspokenthatitseemsmyouterearmusthavecarriedthetone，butgenerallyinstrongmentalimpressions。UsuallyatextofScripture，unfoldingsomenewviewofhimandhisloveforme，andcareformysafety。Icouldgivehundredsofinstances，inschoolmatters，socialproblems，financialdifficulties，etc。

ThatheismineandIamhisneverleavesme，itisanabidingjoy。Withoutitlifewouldbeablank，adesert，ashoreless，tracklesswaste。”

Isubjoinsomemoreexamplesfromwritersofdifferentagesandsexes。TheyarealsofromProfessorStarbuck’scollection，andtheirnumbermightbegreatlymultiplied。Thefirstisfromamantwenty-sevenyearsold：——

“Godisquiterealtome。Italktohimandoftengetanswers。

ThoughtssuddenanddistinctfromanyIhavebeenentertainingcometomymindafteraskingGodforhisdirection。SomethingoverayearagoIwasforsomeweeksinthedirestperplexity。

WhenthetroublefirstappearedbeforemeIwasdazed，butbeforelong(twoorthreehours)IcouldheardistinctlyapassageofScripture：’Mygraceissufficientforthee。’EverytimemythoughtsturnedtothetroubleIcouldhearthisquotation。I

don’tthinkIeverdoubtedtheexistenceofGod，orhadhimdropoutofmyconsciousness。Godhasfrequentlysteppedintomyaffairsveryperceptibly，andIfeelthathedirectsmanylittledetailsallthetime。Butontwoorthreeoccasionshehasorderedwaysformeverycontrarytomyambitionsandplans。”

Anotherstatement(nonethelessvaluablepsychologicallyforbeingsodecidedlychildish)isthatofaboyofseventeen：——

“SometimesasIgotochurch，Isitdown，joinintheservice，andbeforeIgooutIfeelasifGodwaswithme，rightsideofme，singingandreadingthePsalmswithme……AndthenagainIfeelasifIcouldsitbesidehim，andputmyarmsaroundhim，kisshim，etc。WhenIamtakingHolyCommunionatthealtar，I