第20章

[120]LifeandJournals，Boston，1806，pp。31-40，abridged。

YoungMr。Alline，afterthebriefestofdelays，andwithnobook-learningbuthisBible，andnoteachingsavethatofhisownexperience，becameaChristianminister，andthenceforwardhislifewasfittorank，foritsausterityandsingle-mindedness，withthatofthemostdevotedsaints。Buthappyashebecameinhisstrenuousway，henevergothistasteforeventhemostinnocentcarnalpleasuresback。Wemustclasshim，likeBunyanandTolstoy，amongstthoseuponwhosesoultheironofmelancholyleftapermanentimprint。Hisredemptionwasintoanotheruniversethanthismerenaturalworld，andliferemainedforhimasadandpatienttrial。Yearslaterwecanfindhimmakingsuchanentryasthisinhisdiary：“OnWednesdaythe12thIpreachedatawedding，andhadthehappinesstherebytobethemeansofexcludingcarnalmirth。”

ThenextcaseIwillgiveisthatofacorrespondentofProfessorLeuba，printedinthelatter’sarticle，alreadycited，invol。

vi。oftheAmericanJournalofPsychology。ThissubjectwasanOxfordgraduate，thesonofaclergyman，andthestoryresemblesinmanypointstheclassiccaseofColonelGardiner，whicheverybodymaybesupposedtoknow。Hereitis，somewhatabridged：——

“BetweentheperiodofleavingOxfordandmyconversionIneverdarkenedthedoorofmyfather’schurch，althoughIlivedwithhimforeightyears，makingwhatmoneyIwantedbyjournalism，andspendingitinhighcarousalwithanyonewhowouldsitwithmeanddrinkitaway。SoIlived，sometimesdrunkforaweektogether，andthenaterriblerepentance，andwouldnottouchadropforawholemonth。

“Inallthisperiod，thatis，uptothirty-threeyearsofage，I

neverhadadesiretoreformonreligiousgrounds。ButallmypangswereduetosometerribleremorseIusedtofeelafteraheavycarousal，theremorsetakingtheshapeofregretaftermyfollyinwastingmylifeinsuchaway——amanofsuperiortalentsandeducation。Thisterribleremorseturnedmegrayinonenight，andwheneveritcameuponmeIwasperceptiblygrayerthenextmorning。WhatIsufferedinthiswayisbeyondtheexpressionofwords。Itwashell-fireinallitsmostdreadfultortures。OftendidIvowthatifIgotover’thistime’Iwouldreform。Alas，inaboutthreedaysIfullyrecovered，andwasashappyasever。Soitwentonforyears，but，withaphysiquelikearhinoceros，Ialwaysrecovered，andaslongasIletdrinkalone，nomanwasascapableofenjoyinglifeasIwas。

“Iwasconvertedinmyownbedroominmyfather’srectoryhouseatpreciselythreeo’clockintheafternoonofahotJulyday(July13，1886)。Iwasinperfecthealth，havingbeenofffromthedrinkfornearlyamonth。Iwasinnowaytroubledaboutmysoul。Infact，Godwasnotinmythoughtsthatday。AyoungladyfriendsentmeacopyofProfessorDrummond’sNaturalLawintheSpiritualWorld，askingmemyopinionofitasaliteraryworkonly。Beingproudofmycriticaltalentsandwishingtoenhancemyselfinmynewfriend’sesteem，Itookthebooktomybedroomforquiet，intendingtogiveitathoroughstudy，andthenwriteherwhatIthoughtofit。ItwasherethatGodmetmefacetoface，andIshallneverforgetthemeeting。’HethathaththeSonhathlifeeternal，hethathathnottheSonhathnotlife。’Ihadreadthisscoresoftimesbefore，butthismadeallthedifference。IwasnowinGod’spresenceandmyattentionwasabsolutely’soldered’ontothisverse，andIwasnotallowedtoproceedwiththebooktillIhadfairlyconsideredwhatthesewordsreallyinvolved。OnlythenwasIallowedtoproceed，feelingallthewhilethattherewasanotherbeinginmybedroom，thoughnotseenbyme。Thestillnesswasverymarvelous，andI

feltsupremelyhappy。Itwasmostunquestionablyshownme，inonesecondoftime，thatIhadnevertouchedtheEternal：andthatifIdiedthen，Imustinevitablybelost。Iwasundone。I

knewitaswellasInowknowIamsaved。TheSpiritofGodshoweditmeinineffablelove；therewasnoterrorinit；IfeltGod’slovesopowerfullyuponmethatonlyamightysorrowcreptovermethatIhadlostallthroughmyownfolly；andwhatwasI

todo？WhatcouldIdo？Ididnotrepenteven；Godneveraskedmetorepent。AllIfeltwas’Iamundone，’andGodcannothelpit，althoughhelovesme。NofaultonthepartoftheAlmighty。

AllthetimeIwassupremelyhappy：Ifeltlikealittlechildbeforehisfather。Ihaddonewrong，butmyFatherdidnotscoldme，butlovedmemostwondrously。Stillmydoomwassealed。I

waslosttoacertainty，andbeingnaturallyofabravedispositionIdidnotquailunderit，butdeepsorrowforthepast，mixedwithregretforwhatIhadlost，tookholduponme，andmysoulthrilledwithinmetothinkitwasallover。

Thentherecreptinuponmesogently，solovingly，sounmistakably，awayofescape，andwhatwasitafterall？Theold，oldstoryoveragain，toldinthesimplestway：’ThereisnonameunderheavenwherebyyecanbesavedexceptthatoftheLordJesusChrist。’Nowordswerespokentome；mysoulseemedtoseemySaviourinthespirit，andfromthathourtothis，nearlynineyearsnow，therehasneverbeeninmylifeonedoubtthattheLordJesusChristandGodtheFatherbothworkeduponmethatafternooninJuly，bothdifferently，andbothinthemostperfectloveconceivable，andIrejoicedthereandtheninaconversionsoastoundingthatthewholevillageheardofitinlessthantwenty-fourhours。

“Butatimeoftroublewasyettocome。ThedayaftermyconversionIwentintothehay-fieldtolendahandwiththeharvest，andnothavingmadeanypromisetoGodtoabstainordrinkinmoderationonly，Itooktoomuchandcamehomedrunk。

Mypoorsisterwasheart-broken；andIfeltashamedofmyselfandgottomybedroomatonce，whereshefollowedmeweepingcopiously。ShesaidIhadbeenconvertedandfallenawayinstantly。ButalthoughIwasquitefullofdrink(notmuddled，however)，IknewthatGod’sworkbeguninmewasnotgoingtobewasted。AboutmiddayImadeonmykneesthefirstprayerbeforeGodfortwentyyears。Ididnotasktobeforgiven；Ifeltthatwasnogood，forIwouldbesuretofallagain。Well，whatdidI

do？Icommittedmyselftohimintheprofoundestbeliefthatmyindividualitywasgoingtobedestroyed，thathewouldtakeallfromme，andIwaswilling。Insucha<219>surrenderliesthesecretofaholylife。Fromthathourdrinkhashadnoterrorsforme：Inevertouchit，neverwantit。Thesamethingoccurredwithmypipe：afterbeingaregularsmokerfrommytwelfthyearthedesireforitwentatonce，andhasneverreturned。Sowitheveryknownsin，thedeliveranceineachcasebeingpermanentandcomplete。Ihavehadnotemptationsinceconversion，GodseeminglyhavingshutoutSatanfromthatcoursewithme。Hegetsafreehandinotherways，butneveronsinsoftheflesh。SinceIgaveuptoGodallownershipinmyownlife，hehasguidedmeinathousandways，andhasopenedmypathinawayalmostincredibletothosewhodonotenjoytheblessingofatrulysurrenderedlife。”

SomuchforourgraduateofOxford，inwhomyounoticethecompleteabolitionofanancientappetiteasoneoftheconversion’sfruits。

ThemostcuriousrecordofsuddenconversionwithwhichIamacquaintedisthatofM。AlphonseRatisbonne，afree-thinkingFrenchJew，toCatholicism，atRomein1842。Inalettertoaclericalfriend，writtenafewmonthslater，theconvertgivesapalpitatingaccountofthecircumstances。[121]Thepredisposingconditionsappeartohavebeenslight。HehadanelderbrotherwhohadbeenconvertedandwasaCatholicpriest。Hewashimselfirreligious，andnourishedanantipathytotheapostatebrotherandgenerallytohis“cloth。”FindinghimselfatRomeinhistwenty-ninthyear，hefellinwithaFrenchgentlemanwhotriedtomakeaproselyteofhim，butwhosucceedednofartheraftertwoorthreeconversationsthantogethimtohang(halfjocosely)areligiousmedalroundhisneck，andtoacceptandreadacopyofashortprayertotheVirgin。M。Ratisbonnerepresentshisownpartintheconversationsashavingbeenofalightandchaffingorder；buthenotesthefactthatforsomedayshewasunabletobanishthewordsoftheprayerfromhismind，andthatthenightbeforethecrisishehadasortofnightmare，intheimageryofwhichablackcrosswithnoChristuponitfigured。Nevertheless，untilnoonofthenextdayhewasfreeinmindandspentthetimeintrivialconversations。Inowgivehisownwords。

[121]MyquotationsaremadefromanItaliantranslationofthisletterintheBiografiadelsig。M。A。Ratisbonne，Ferrara，1843，whichIhavetothankMonsignoreD。O’ConnellofRomeforbringingtomynotice。Iabridgetheoriginal。

“Ifatthistimeanyonehadaccostedme，saying：’Alphonse，inaquarterofanhouryoushallbeadoringJesusChristasyourGodandSaviour；youshalllieprostratewithyourfaceuponthegroundinahumblechurch；youshallbesmitingyourbreastatthefootofapriest；youshallpassthecarnivalinacollegeofJesuitstoprepareyourselftoreceivebaptism，readytogiveyourlifefortheCatholicfaith；youshallrenouncetheworldanditspompsandpleasures；renounceyourfortune，yourhopes，andifneedbe，yourbetrothed；theaffectionsofyourfamily，theesteemofyourfriends，andyourattachmenttotheJewishpeople；youshallhavenootheraspirationthantofollowChristandbearhiscrosstilldeath；’——if，Isay，aprophethadcometomewithsuchaprediction，Ishouldhavejudgedthatonlyonepersoncouldbemoremadthanhe——whosoever，namely，mightbelieveinthepossibilityofsuchsenselessfollybecomingtrue。

Andyetthatfollyisatpresentmyonlywisdom，mysolehappiness。

“ComingoutofthecafeImetthecarriageofMonsieurB。[theproselytingfriend]。Hestoppedandinvitedmeinforadrive，butfirstaskedmetowaitforafewminuteswhilstheattendedtosomedutyatthechurchofSanAndreadelleFratte。Insteadofwaitinginthecarriage，Ienteredthechurchmyselftolookatit。ThechurchofSanAndreawaspoor，small，andempty；I

believethatIfoundmyselftherealmostalone。Noworkofartattractedmyattention；andIpassedmyeyesmechanicallyoveritsinteriorwithoutbeingarrestedbyanyparticularthought。I

canonlyrememberanentirelyblackdogwhichwenttrottingandturningbeforemeasImused。Inaninstantthedoghaddisappeared，thewholechurchhadvanished，Inolongersawanything，……ormoretrulyIsaw，OmyGod，onethingalone。

“Heavens，howcanIspeakofit？Ohno！humanwordscannotattaintoexpressingtheinexpressible。Anydescription，howeversublimeitmightbe，couldbebutaprofanationoftheunspeakabletruth。

“Iwasthereprostrateontheground，bathedinmytears，withmyheartbesideitself，whenM。B。calledmebacktolife。Icouldnotreplytothequestionswhichfollowedfromhimoneupontheother。ButfinallyItookthemedalwhichIhadonmybreast，andwithalltheeffusionofmysoulIkissedtheimageoftheVirgin，radiantwithgrace，whichitbore。Oh，indeed，itwasShe！ItwasindeedShe！[WhathehadseenhadbeenavisionoftheVirgin。]

“IdidnotknowwhereIwas：IdidnotknowwhetherIwasAlphonseoranother。Ionlyfeltmyselfchangedandbelievedmyselfanotherme；Ilookedformyselfinmyselfanddidnotfindmyself。InthebottomofmysoulIfeltanexplosionofthemostardentjoy；Icouldnotspeak；Ihadnowishtorevealwhathadhappened。ButIfeltsomethingsolemnandsacredwithinmewhichmademeaskforapriest。Iwasledtoone；andtherealone，afterhehadgivenmethepositiveorder，IspokeasbestI

could，kneeling，andwithmyheartstilltrembling。IcouldgivenoaccounttomyselfofthetruthofwhichIhadacquiredaknowledgeandafaith。AllthatIcansayisthatinaninstantthebandagehadfallenfrommyeyes，andnotonebandageonly，butthewholemanifoldofbandagesinwhichIhadbeenbroughtup。Oneafteranothertheyrapidlydisappeared，evenasthemudandicedisappearundertheraysoftheburningsun。

“Icameoutasfromasepulchre，fromanabyssofdarkness；andI

wasliving，perfectlyliving。ButIwept，foratthebottomofthatgulfIsawtheextremeofmiseryfromwhichIhadbeensavedbyaninfinitemercy；andIshudderedatthesightofmyiniquities，stupefied，melted，overwhelmedwithwonderandwithgratitude。YoumayaskmehowIcametothisnewinsight，fortrulyIhadneveropenedabookofreligionnorevenreadasinglepageoftheBible，andthedogmaoforiginalsiniseitherentirelydeniedorforgottenbytheHebrewsofto-day，sothatI

hadthoughtsolittleaboutitthatIdoubtwhetherIeverknewitsname。ButhowcameI，then，tothisperceptionofit？Ican<222>answernothingsavethis，thatonenteringthatchurchI

wasindarknessaltogether，andoncomingoutofitIsawthefullnessofthelight。Icanexplainthechangenobetterthanbythesimileofaprofoundsleeportheanalogyofonebornblindwhoshouldsuddenlyopenhiseyestotheday。Hesees，butcannotdefinethelightwhichbatheshimandbymeansofwhichheseestheobjectswhichexcitehiswonder。Ifwecannotexplainphysicallight，howcanweexplainthelightwhichisthetruthitself？AndIthinkIremainwithinthelimitsofveracitywhenIsaythatwithouthavinganyknowledgeoftheletterofreligiousdoctrine，Inowintuitivelyperceiveditssenseandspirit。BetterthanifIsawthem，IFELTthosehiddenthings；I

feltthembytheinexplicableeffectstheyproducedinme。Itallhappenedinmyinteriormind，andthoseimpressions，morerapidthanthoughtshookmysoul，revolvedandturnedit，asitwere，inanotherdirection，towardsotheraims，byotherpaths。