第9章

IhadastillmoredreadfulmomentwhenpresentlyImetmycousininthebrickalleybehindtheyard，thatledbacktohisgrocer’sshop。

“Yousneak！”Isaid，andsmackedhisfacehardforthwith。“Nowthen。”saidI。

Hestartedback，astonishedandalarmed。Hiseyesmetmine，andIsawasuddengleamofresolution。Heturnedhisothercheektome。

“’It’it。”hesaid。”’It’it。I’LLforgiveyou。”

IfeltIhadneverencounteredamoredetestablewayofevadingalicking。Ishovedhimagainstthewallandlefthimthere，forgivingme，andwentbackintothehouse。

“Youbetternotspeaktoyourcousins，George。”saidmyaunt，“tillyou’reinabetterstateofmind。”

Ibecameanoutcastforthwith。Atsupperthatnightagloomysilencewasbrokenbymycousinsaying“’E’itmefortellingyou，andIturnedtheothercheek，muvver。”

“’E’sgottheevilonebe’ind’imnow，aridin’on’isback。”

saidmyaunt，tothegravediscomfortoftheeldestgirl，whosatbesideme。

Aftersuppermyuncle，inafewill-chosenwords，prayedmetorepentbeforeIslept。

“Supposeyouwastookinyoursleep，George。”hesaid；“where’dyoubethen？Youjestthinkofthatmeboy。”BythistimeIwasthoroughlymiserableandfrightened，andthissuggestionunnervedmedreadfullybutIkeptupanimpenitentfront。“Towakein’ell。”saidUncleNicodemus，ingentletones。“Youdon’twanttowakein’ell，George，burnin’andscreamin’forever，doyou？

Youwouldn’tlikethat？”

Hetriedveryhardtogetmeto“jest’avealookatthebake’ousefire“beforeIretired。“Itmightmoveyou。”hesaid。

Iwasawakelongestthatnight。Mycousinsslept，thesleepoffaithoneithersideofme。IdecidedIwouldwhispermyprayers，andstoppedmidwaybecauseIwasashamed，andperhapsalsobecauseIhadanideaonedidn’tsquareGodlikethat。

“No。”Isaid，withasuddenconfidence，“damnmeifyou’recowardenough。Butyou’renot。No！Youcouldn’tbe！”

Iwokemycousinsupwithemphaticdigs，andtoldthemasmuch，triumphantly，andwentverypeacefullytosleepwithmyactoffaithaccomplished。

Isleptnotonlythroughthatnight，butforallmynightssincethen。SofarasanyfearofDivineinjusticegoes，Isleepsoundly，andshall，Iknow，totheendofthings。Thatdeclarationwasanepochinmyspirituallife。

ButIdidn’texpecttohavethewholemeetingonSundayturnedontome。

Itwas。Itallcomesbacktome，thatconvergenceofattention，eventhefaintleatherysmellofitsatmospherereturns，andthecoarsefeelofmyaunt’sblackdressbesidemeincontactwithmyhand。IseeagaintheoldWelshmilkman“wrestling“withme，theyallwrestledwithme，byprayerorexhortation。AndIwasholdingoutstoutly，thoughconvincednowbythecontagionoftheiruniversalconvictionthatbydoingsoIwascertainlyandhopelesslydamned。Ifeltthattheywereright，thatGodwasprobablylikethem，andthatonthewholeitdidn’tmatter。AndtosimplifythebusinessthoroughlyIhaddeclaredIdidn’tbelieveanythingatall。TheyconfutedmebytextsfromScripturewhichInowperceivewasanillegitimatemethodofreply。WhenIgothome，stillimpenitentandeternallylostandsecretlyverylonelyandmiserableandalarmed，UncleNicodemusdockedmySundaypudding。

Onepersononlyspoketomelikeahumanbeingonthatdayofwrath，andthatwastheyoungerFrapp。HecameuptomeintheafternoonwhileIwasconfinedupstairswithaBibleandmyownthoughts。

“’Ello。”hesaid，andfrettedabout。

“D’youmeantosaythereisn’t——noone。”hesaid，funkingtheword。

“Noone？”

“Noonewatchingyer——always。”

“Whyshouldtherebe？”Iasked。

“Youcan’t’elpthoughts。”saidmycousin，“anyhow。Youmean——“

Hestoppedhovering。“Is’poseIoughtn’ttobetalkingtoyou。”

Hehesitatedandflittedawaywithaguiltybackglanceoverhisshoulder。

Thefollowingweekmadelifequiteintolerableforme；thesepeopleforcedmeatlastintoanAtheismthatterrifiedme。WhenIlearntthatnextSundaythewrestlingwastoberesumed，mycouragefailedmealtogether。

IhappeneduponamapofKentinastationer’swindowonSaturday，andthatsetmethinkingofoneformofrelease。I

studieditintentlyforhalfanhourperhaps，onSaturdaynight，gotaroutelistofvillageswellfixedinmymemory，andgotupandstartedforBladesoveraboutfiveonSundaymorningwhilemytwobedmateswerestillfastasleep。

Iremembersomething，butnotsomuchofitasIshouldliketorecall，ofmylongtramptoBladesoverHouse。ThedistancefromChathamisalmostexactlyseventeenmiles，andittookmeuntilnearlyone。ItwasveryinterestingandIdonotthinkIwasveryfatigued，thoughIgotratherpinchedbyoneboot。

Themorningmusthavebeenveryclear，becauseIrememberthatnearItchinstowHallIlookedbackandsawtheestuaryoftheThames，thatriverthathassinceplayedsolargeapartinmylife。ButatthetimeIdidnotknowitwastheThames，I

thoughtthisgreatexpanseofmudflatsandwaterwasthesea，whichIhadneveryetseennearly。Andoutuponitstoodships，sailingshipsandasteamerorso，goinguptoLondonordownoutintothegreatseasoftheworld。IstoodforalongtimewatchingtheseandthinkingwhetherafterallIshouldnothavedonebettertohaverunawaytosea。

ThenearerIdrewtoBladesover，themoredoubtfulIgrewofthedualityofmyreception，andthemoreIregrettedthatalternative。IsupposeitwasthedirtyclumsinessoftheshippingIhadseennearly，thatputmeoutofmindofthat。I

tookashortcutthroughtheWarrenacrossthecornerofthemainparktointerceptthepeoplefromthechurch。IwantedtoavoidmeetinganyonebeforeImetmymother，andsoIwenttoaplacewherethepathpassedbetweenbanks，andwithoutexactlyhiding，stoodupamongthebushes。ThisplaceamongotheradvantageseliminatedanychanceofseeingLadyDrew，whowoulddriveroundbythecarriageroad。

StandinguptowaylayinthisfashionIhadaqueerfeelingofbrigandage，asthoughIwassomeintrusivesortofbanditamongtheseorderlythings。ItisthefirsttimeIrememberhavingthatoutlawfeelingdistinctly，afeelingthathasplayedalargepartinmysubsequentlife。IfeltthereexistednoplaceformethatIhadtodrivemyselfin。

Presently，downthehill，theservantsappeared，stragglingbytwosandthrees，firstsomeofthegardenpeopleandthebutler’swifewiththem，thenthetwolaundrymaids，oddinseparableoldcreatures，thenthefirstfootmantalkingtothebutler’slittlegirl，andatlast，walkinggraveandbreathlessbesideoldAnnandMissFison，theblackfigureofmymother。

Myboyishmindsuggestedtheadoptionofaplayfulformofappearance。“Coo-ee，mother“saidI，comingoutagainstthesky。”Coo-ee！”

Mymotherlookedup，wentverywhite，andputherhandtoherbosom。

Isupposetherewasafearfulfussaboutme。AndofcourseIwasquiteunabletoexplainmyreappearance。ButIheldoutstoutly，“Iwon’tgobacktoChatham；I’lldrownmyselffirst。”

ThenextdaymymothercarriedmeofftoWimblehurst，tookmefiercelyandaggressivelytoanuncleIhadneverheardofbefore，nearthoughtheplacewastous。Shegavemenowordastowhatwastohappen，andIwastoosubduedbyhermanifestwrathandhumiliationatmylastmisdemeanourtodemandinformation。Idon’tforonemomentthinkLadyDrewwas“nice“

aboutme。Thefinalityofmybanishmentwasendorsedandunderlinedandstampedhome。IwishedverymuchnowthatIhadrunawaytosea，inspiteofthecoaldustandsqualourRochesterhadrevealedtome。Perhapsoverseasonecametodifferentlands。