第15章

Commendmetothebeautifulwatersamongthesemountains！ThoughI

wasnotoftheirmind:they，beinginveteratelybentongettingdownintothelevelcountry，andIardentlydesiringtolingerwhereIwas。Whatdesperateleapstheytook，whatdarkabyssestheyplungedinto，whatrockstheyworeaway，whatechoestheyinvoked！InonepartwhereIwent，theywerepressedintotheserviceofcarryingwooddown，tobeburntnextwinter，ascostlyfuel，inItaly。But，theirfiercesavagenaturewasnottobeeasilyconstrained，andtheyfoughtwitheverylimbofthewood；

whirlingitroundandround，strippingitsbarkaway，dashingitagainstpointedcorners，drivingitoutofthecourse，androaringandflyingatthepeasantswhosteereditbackagainfromthebankwithlongstoutpoles。Alas！concurrentstreamsoftimeandwatercarriedMEdownfast，andIcame，onanexquisitelyclearday，totheLausanneshoreoftheLakeofGeneva，whereIstoodlookingatthebrightbluewater，theflushedwhitemountainsopposite，andtheboatsatmyfeetwiththeirfurledMediterraneansails，showinglikeenormousmagnificationsofthisgoose-quillpenthatisnowinmyhand-

Theskybecameovercastwithoutanynotice；awindveryliketheMarcheastwindofEngland，blewacrossme；andavoicesaid，’Howdoyoulikeit？Willitdo？’

Ihadmerelyshutmyself，forhalfaminute，inaGermantravellingchariotthatstoodforsaleintheCarriageDepartmentoftheLondonPantechnicon。Ihadacommissiontobuyit，forafriendwhowasgoingabroad；andthelookandmannerofthechariot，asI

triedthecushionsandthesprings，broughtallthesehintsoftravellingremembrancebeforeme。

’Itwilldoverywell，’saidI，rathersorrowfully，asIgotoutattheotherdoor，andshutthecarriageup。

Itravelconstantly，upanddownacertainlineofrailwaythathasaterminusinLondon。Itistherailwayforalargemilitarydepot，andforotherlargebarracks。Tothebestofmyseriousbelief，Ihaveneverbeenonthatrailwaybydaylight，withoutseeingsomehandcuffeddesertersinthetrain。

ItisinthenatureofthingsthatsuchaninstitutionasourEnglisharmyshouldhavemanybadandtroublesomecharactersinit。

But，thisisareasonfor，andnotagainst，itsbeingmadeasacceptableaspossibletowell-disposedmenofdecentbehaviour。

Suchmenareassuredlynottemptedintotheranks，bythebeastlyinversionofnaturallaws，andthecompulsiontoliveinworsethanswinishfoulness。Accordingly，whenanysuchCircumlocutionalembellishmentsofthesoldier’sconditionhaveoflatebeenbroughttonotice，wecivilians，seatedinouterdarknesscheerfullymeditatingonanIncomeTax，haveconsideredthematterasbeingourbusiness，andhaveshownatendencytodeclarethatwewouldrathernothaveitmisregulated，ifsuchdeclarationmay，withoutviolencetotheChurchCatechism，behintedtothosewhoareputinauthorityoverus。

Anyanimateddescriptionofamodernbattle，anyprivatesoldier’sletterpublishedinthenewspapers，anypageoftherecordsoftheVictoriaCross，willshowthatintheranksofthearmy，thereexistsunderalldisadvantagesasfineasenseofdutyasistobefoundinanystationonearth。Whodoubtsthatifwealldidourdutyasfaithfullyasthesoldierdoeshis，thisworldwouldbeabetterplace？Theremaybegreaterdifficultiesinourwaythaninthesoldier’s。Notdisputed。But，letusatleastdoourdutytowardsHIM。

IhadgotbackagaintothatrichandbeautifulportwhereIhadlookedafterMercantileJack，andIwaswalkingupahillthere，onawildMarchmorning。MyconversationwithmyofficialfriendPangloss，bywhomIwasaccidentallyaccompanied，tookthisdirectionaswetooktheup-hilldirection，becausetheobjectofmyuncommercialjourneywastoseesomedischargedsoldierswhohadrecentlycomehomefromIndia。ThereweremenofHAVELOCK’samongthem；thereweremenwhohadbeeninmanyofthegreatbattlesofthegreatIndiancampaign，amongthem；andIwascurioustonotewhatourdischargedsoldierslookedlike，whentheyweredonewith。

Iwasnotthelessinterested(asImentionedtomyofficialfriendPangloss)becausethesemenhadclaimedtobedischarged，whentheirrighttobedischargedwasnotadmitted。Theyhadbehavedwithunblemishedfidelityandbravery；but，achangeofcircumstanceshadarisen，which，astheyconsidered，putanendtotheircompactandentitledthemtoenteronanewone。TheirdemandhadbeenblunderinglyresistedbytheauthoritiesinIndia:

but，itistobepresumedthatthemenwerenotfarwrong，inasmuchasthebunglehadendedintheirbeingsenthomedischarged，inpursuanceofordersfromhome。(Therewasanimmensewasteofmoney，ofcourse。)

Underthesecircumstances-thoughtI，asIwalkedupthehill，onwhichIaccidentallyencounteredmyofficialfriend-underthesecircumstancesofthemenhavingsuccessfullyopposedthemselvestothePagodaDepartmentofthatgreatCircumlocutionOfficeonwhichthesunneversetsandthelightofreasonneverrises，thePagodaDepartmentwillhavebeenparticularlycarefulofthenationalhonour。Itwillhaveshownthesemen，inthescrupulousgoodfaith，nottosaythegenerosity，ofitsdealingwiththem，thatgreatnationalauthoritiescanhavenosmallretaliationsandrevenges。Itwillhavemadeeveryprovisionfortheirhealthonthepassagehome，andwillhavelandedthem，restoredfromtheircampaigningfatiguesbyasea-voyage，pureair，soundfood，andgoodmedicines。AndIpleasedmyselfwithdwellingbeforehand，onthegreataccountsoftheirpersonaltreatmentwhichthesemenwouldcarryintotheirvarioustownsandvillages，andontheincreasingpopularityoftheservicethatwouldinsensiblyfollow。

Ialmostbegantohopethatthehitherto-never-failingdesertersonmyrailroadwouldby-and-bybecomeaphenomenon。

InthisagreeableframeofmindIenteredtheworkhouseofLiverpool-For，thecultivationoflaurelsinasandysoil，hadbroughtthesoldiersinquestiontoTHATabodeofGlory。

Beforegoingintotheirwardstovisitthem，Iinquiredhowtheyhadmadetheirtriumphantentrythere？Theyhadbeenbroughtthroughtherainincartsitseemed，fromthelanding-placetothegate，andhadthenbeencarriedup-stairsonthebacksofpaupers。

Theirgroansandpainsduringtheperformanceofthisgloriouspageant，hadbeensodistressing，astobringtearsintotheeyesofspectatorsbuttoowellaccustomedtoscenesofsuffering。Themenweresodreadfullycold，thatthosewhocouldgetnearthefireswerehardtoberestrainedfromthrustingtheirfeetinamongtheblazingcoals。Theyweresohorriblyreduced，thattheywereawfultolookupon。Rackedwithdysenteryandblackenedwithscurvy，onehundredandfortywretchedsoldiershadbeenrevivedwithbrandyandlaidinbed。

MyofficialfriendPanglossislineallydescendedfromalearneddoctorofthatname，whowasoncetutortoCandide，aningeniousyounggentlemanofsomecelebrity。Inhispersonalcharacter，heisashumaneandworthyagentlemanasanyIknow；inhisofficialcapacity，heunfortunatelypreachesthedoctrinesofhisrenownedancestor，bydemonstratingonalloccasionsthatweliveinthebestofallpossibleofficialworlds。

’InthenameofHumanity，’saidI，’howdidthemenfallintothisdeplorablestate？Wastheshipwellfoundinstores？’

’IamnotheretoasseveratethatIknowthefact，ofmyownknowledge，’answeredPangloss，’butIhavegroundsforassertingthatthestoreswerethebestofallpossiblestores。’

Amedicalofficerlaidbeforeus，ahandfulofrottenbiscuit，andahandfulofsplitpeas。Thebiscuitwasahoneycombedheapofmaggots，andtheexcrementofmaggots。Thepeaswereevenharderthanthisfilth。Asimilarhandfulhadbeenexperimentallyboiledsixhours，andhadshownnosignsofsoftening。Thesewerethestoresonwhichthesoldiershadbeenfed。

’Thebeef-’Ibegan，whenPanglosscutmeshort。

’Wasthebestofallpossiblebeef，’saidhe。

But，behold，therewaslaidbeforeuscertainevidencegivenattheCoroner’sInquest，holdenonsomeofthemen(whohadobstinatelydiedoftheirtreatment)，andfromthatevidenceitappearedthatthebeefwastheworstofpossiblebeef！

’ThenIlaymyhanduponmyheart，andtakemystand，’saidPangloss，’bythepork，whichwasthebestofallpossiblepork。’

’Butlookatthisfoodbeforeoureyes，ifonemaysomisusetheword，’saidI。’WouldanyInspectorwhodidhisduty，passsuchabomination？’

’Itoughtnottohavebeenpassed，’Panglossadmitted。

’Thentheauthoritiesoutthere-’Ibegan，whenPanglosscutmeshortagain。

’Therewouldcertainlyseemtohavebeensomethingwrongsomewhere，’saidhe；’butIampreparedtoprovethattheauthoritiesoutthere，arethebestofallpossibleauthorities。’

Ineverheardofanyimpeachedpublicauthorityinmylife，whowasnotthebestpublicauthorityinexistence。

’Wearetoldoftheseunfortunatemenbeinglaidlowbyscurvy，’

saidI。’Sincelime-juicehasbeenregularlystoredandservedoutinournavy，surelythatdisease，whichusedtodevastateit，hasalmostdisappeared？Wastherelime-juiceaboardthistransport？’

Myofficialfriendwasbeginning’thebestofallpossible-’whenaninconvenientmedicalforefingerpointedoutanotherpassageintheevidence，fromwhichitappearedthatthelime-juicehadbeenbadtoo。Nottomentionthatthevinegarhadbeenbadtoo，thevegetablesbadtoo，thecookingaccommodationinsufficient(iftherehadbeenanythingworthmentioningtocook)，thewatersupplyexceedinglyinadequate，andthebeersour。

’Thenthemen，’saidPangloss，alittleirritated，’Weretheworstofallpossiblemen。’

’Inwhatrespect？’Iasked。

’Oh！Habitualdrunkards，’saidPangloss。

But，againthesameincorrigiblemedicalforefingerpointedoutanotherpassageintheevidence，showingthatthedeadmenhadbeenexaminedafterdeath，andthatthey，atleast，couldnotpossiblyhavebeenhabitualdrunkards，becausetheorganswithinthemwhichmusthaveshowntracesofthathabit，wereperfectlysound。

’Andbesides，’saidthethreedoctorspresent，’oneandall，habitualdrunkardsbroughtaslowasthesemenhavebeen，couldnotrecoverundercareandfood，asthegreatmajorityofthesemenarerecovering。Theywouldnothavestrengthofconstitutiontodoit。’