第6章

"Ralphcouldn"twritepoetry,"shereplieddisdainfully."Besides,itwasverygoodpoetry."

Isuggestedotherpossibleauthorsandadmirers.Sherejectedthemall.

Wereachedhergate,andIlingered.Asshelookeddownatmefromthestonestepshereyesshonewithasoftlightthatfilledmewithradiance,andintohervoicehadcomeaquestioning,shynotethatthrilledthemorebecauseitrevealedanewNancyofwhomIhadnotdreamed.

"PerhapsI"llmeetyouagain——comingfromschool,"Isaid.

"Perhaps,"sheanswered."You"llbelatetodinner,Hugh,ifyoudon"tgo"

Iwaslate,andunabletoeatmuchdinner,somewhattomymother"salarm.

LovehadtakenawaymyappetiteAfterdinner,whenIwaswanderingaimlesslyabouttheyard,Tomappearedontheothersideofthefence.

"Don"teveraskmetodothatagain,"hesaidgloomily.

IdidmeetNancyagaincomingfromschool,noteveryday,butnearlyeveryday.Atfirstwepretendedthattherewasnoarrangementinthis,andwebothfeignedsurprisewhenweencounteredoneanother.ItwasNancywhopossessedthecouragethatIlacked.Oneafternoonshesaid:——

"IthinkI"dbetterwalkwiththegirlsto-morrow,Hugh."

Iprotested,butshewasfirm.AndafterthatitwasanunderstoodthingthatoncertaindaysIshouldgodirectlyhome,feelinglikeanexile.

SophyMcAleryhadbeguntocomplain:andIgatheredthatSophywasNancy"sconfidante.Theothergirlshadbeguntogossip.ItwasNancywhoconceivedthebrilliantidea——themoredelightfulbecauseshesaidnothingaboutittome——ofmakinguseofSophy.ShewouldleaveschoolwithSophy,andIwaitedonthecornerneartheMcAleryhouse.PoorSophy!Shewasalwaysofthosewhopipedwhileothersdanced.Inthosedaysshehadtwostraw-colouredpigtails,andherplain,faithfulfaceisbeforemeasIwrite.Sheneverbetrayedtometheexcitementthatfilledheratbeingtheaccompliceofourromance.

Gossipraged,ofcourse.Farfrombeingdisturbed,weusedit,sotospeak,asahandleforourlove-making,whichwascarriedoninaninferentialratherthanadirectfashion.Weretheysayingthatwewerelovers?Delightful!WelaughedatoneanotherinthesunshineAtlastweachievedthegreatadventureofaclandestinemeetingandwentforawalkintheafternoon,avoidingthehousesofourfriends.I"veforgottenwhichofushadtheboldnesstoproposeit.Thecrocusesandtulipshadbrokentheblackmould,theflowerbedsinthefrontyardswerebeginningtoblazewithscarletandyellow,thelawnshadturnedalivinggreen.Whatdidwetalkabout?Thesubstancehasvanished,onlytheflavourremains.

Oneawokeofamorningtothetwitteringofbirds,towalktoschoolamidstdelicate,lace-likeshadowsofgreattreesacloudwitholdgold:

thebudslaycurledliketinyfeathersonthepavements.Suddenlytheshadewasdense,thesunlightwhiteandglaring,theodouroflilacsheavyintheair,springinallitsfulnesshadcome,——springandNancy.

Justsosubtly,yetwiththesameseemingsuddennesshadbuddedandcometoleafandfloweraperfectunderstanding,whichneverthelessremainedundefined.This,Ihadnodoubt,wasmyfault,andduetotheincomprehensibleshynessherpresencecontinuedtoinspire.Althoughwedidnotaltogetherabandonoursecrettrysts,webegantomeetinmorenaturalways;thereweregardenpartiesandpicnicswherewestrayedtogetherthroughthewoodsandfields,pausingtotearoff,onebyone,thepetalsofadaisy,"Shelovesme,shelovesmenot."Ineverventuredtokissher;IalwaysthoughtafterwardsImighthavedoneso,shehadseemedsowilling,hereyeshadshonesoexpectantlyasIsatbesideheronthegrass;norcanItellwhyIdesiredtokisshersavethatthiswasthetraditionalthingtodototheladyoneloved.Tobesure,theverytouchofherhandwasgalvanic.Paradoxically,Isawthehumansideofher,theyieldinggentlenessthatalwaysamazedme,yetI

neverovercamemyaweofthedivine;shewasabeingsacrosanct.WhetherthisidealismwereinnateortheresultofsuchromancesasIhadreadI

cannotsayIgot,indeed,anavowalofasort.Theweeklydancingclasseshavingbegunagain,ononeoccasionwhenshehadwaltzedtwicewithGeneHollisterIprotested.

"Don"tbesilly,Hugh,"shewhispered."OfcourseIlikeyoubetterthananyoneelse——yououghttoknowthat."

Wenevergottotheword"love,"butweknewthefeeling.

Onecloudaloneflungitsshadowacrosstheseidyllicdays.BeforeIwasfullyawareofitIhaddrawnveryneartothefirstgreatjunction-pointofmylife,mygraduationfromDensmoreAcademy.Wewereto"changecars,"inthelanguageofPrincipalHaime.Wellenoughforthefortunateoneswhoweretocontinuetheacademicjourney,whichimpliedapostponementoftheseriousbusinessoflife;butmonthaftermonthofthelasttermhadpassedwithoutahintfrommyfatherthatIwastochangecars.AgainandagainIalmostsucceededinscrewingupmycouragetothepointofmentioningcollegetohim,——neverquite;hismanner,thoughkindandcalm,somehowstrengthenedmysuspicionthatI

hadbeenjudgedandfoundwanting,anddoomedto"business":galleyslavery,Ideemedit,humdrum,prosaic,degrading!WhenIthoughtofitatnightIexperiencedalmostafrenzyofself-pity.Myfathercouldn"tintendtodothat,justbecausemymonthlyreportshadn"talwaysbeenwhathethoughttheyoughttobe!GeneHollister"swerenobetter,ifasgood,andhewasgoingtoPrinceton.WasI,HughParet,tobedeniedthedistinctionofbeingacollegeman,thedelightsofuniversityexistence,cruellyseparatedandsetapartfrommyfriendswhomIloved!helduptotheworldandespeciallytoNancyWillettasgoodfornothingelse!Thethoughtwasunbearable.Characteristically,Ihopedagainsthope.

Ihavementionedgardenparties.OneofourannualinstitutionswasMrs.

Willett"schildren"spartyinMay;fortheWilletthousehadagardenthatcoveredalmostaquarterofablock.Mrs.Willettlovedchildren,thegreatestregretofherlifebeingthatprovidencehaddeniedheralargefamily.Asfarbackasmymemorygoesshehadbeensomethingofaninvalid;shehadasweet,sadface,anddelicatehandssothinastoseemalmosttransparent;andshealwayssatinachairunderthegreattreeonthelawn,smilingatusaswesoaredtodizzyheightsintheswing,orplayedcroquet,orscurriedthroughthepaths,andinandoutofthelatticedsummer-housewithshrieksoflaughterandterror.Itallendedwithafeastatalongtablemadeofsawhorsesandboardscoveredwithawhitecloth,andwhenthecakewascuttherewaswildexcitementastowhowouldgettheringandwhothethimble.

Weweremoredecorous,orrathermoreawkwardnow,andthepartybeganwithaformalperiodwhentheboysgatheredinagroupandpretendedindifferencetothegirls.Thegirlswereclevereratit,andactuallyachievedtheimpressionthattheywereindifferent.Wekeptaneyeonthem,uneasily,whilewetalked.TobeinNancy"spresenceandnotalonewithNancywasagonizing,andIwonderedatasang-froidbeyondmypowertoachieve,accusedherofcoldness,mysufferingsbeingthegreaterbecausesheseemedmorebeautiful,daintier,moreirreproachablethanI

hadeverseenher.Evenatthatearlyageshegaveevidenceofthesocialgift,anditwasduetohereffortsthatweforgotourbestclothesandournewlybornself-consciousness.WhenIbeggedhertoslipawaywithmeamongthecurrantbushesshewhispered:——

"Ican"t,Hugh.I"mthehostess,youknow."

Ihadgonethereinaflutterofanticipation,butnothingwentrightthatday.Therewasdancinginthebigroomsthatlookedoutonthegarden;theonlygirlwithwhomIcaredtodancewasNancy,andshewasbusyfindingpartnersforthebackwardmembersofbothsexes;thoughshewasmypartner,tobesure,whenitallwoundupwithaVirginiareelonthelawn.Then,atsupper,tocaptheclimaxofuntowardincidents,ananimateddiscussionwasbegunastotherelativemeritsofthevariouscolleges,thegirls,too,takingsides.MacWillett,Nancy"scousin,wasgoingtoYale,GeneHollistertoPrinceton,theEwanboystoourStateUniversity,whilePerryBlackwoodandRalphHambletonandHamDurrettweredestinedforHarvard;TomPeters,also,thoughhewasnottograduatefromtheAcademyforanotheryear.ImighthaveknownthatRalphwouldhavesuspectedmymisery.HesattriumphantlynexttoNancyherself,whileIhadbeentoldofftoentertainthefaithfulSophy.

Noticingmysilence,hedemandedwickedly:——

"Whereareyougoing,Hugh?"

"Harvard,Ithink,"IansweredwithasboldafrontasIcouldmuster.

"Ihaven"ttalkeditoverwithmyfatheryet."ItwasintolerabletoadmitthatIofthemallwastobeleftbehind.

Nancylookedatmeinsurprise.Shewasalwaysdownright.

"Oh,Hugh,doesn"tyourfathermeantoputyouinbusiness?"sheexclaimed.

Ahotflushspreadovermyface.EventoherIhadnotbetrayedmyapprehensionsonthispainfulsubject.Perhapsitwasbecauseofthisveryreason,knowingmeasshedid,thatshehaddivinedmyfate.Couldmyfatherhavespokenofittoanyone?

"NotthatIknowof,"Isaidangrily.Iwonderedifsheknewhowdeeplyshehadhurtme.Theotherslaughed.ThecolourroseinNancy"scheeks,andshegavemeanappealing,almosttearfullook,butmyhearthadhardened.AssoonassupperwasoverIleftthetabletowander,nursingmywrongs,inafarcornerofthegarden,gayshoutsandlaughterstillechoinginmyears.Iwasnegligible,evenmypatheticsubterfugehadbeendetectedandcruellyridiculedbythesefriendswhomIhadalwayslovedandsoughtout,andwhonowweresoabsorbedintheirownprospectsandhappinessthattheycarednothingformine.AndNancy!IhadbeenbetrayedbyNancy!Twilightwascomingon.IrememberglancingdownmiserablyatthenewbluesuitIhadputonsohopefullyforthefirsttimethatafternoon.

Separatingthegardenfromthestreetwasahigh,smoothboardfencewithalittlegateinit,andIhadmyhandonthelatchwhenIheardthesoundofhurryingstepsonthegravelpathandafamiliarvoicecallingmyname.

"Hugh!Hugh!"

Iturned.Nancystoodbeforeme.

"Hugh,you"renotgoing!"

"Yes,Iam."

"Why?"

"Ifyoudon"tknow,there"snousetellingyou."

"JustbecauseIsaidyourfatherintendedtoputyouinbusiness!Oh,Hugh,whyareyousofoolishandsoproud?Doyousupposethatanyone——

thatI——thinkanytheworseofyou?"

Yes,shehadreadme,shealonehadenteredintothesourceofthatprevarication,thecomplexfeelingsfromwhichitsprang.ButatthatmomentIcouldnotforgiveherforhumiliatingme.Ihuggedmygrievance.

"Itwastrue,whatIsaid,"Ideclaredhotly."Myfatherhasnotspoken.

ItistruethatI"mgoingtocollege,becauseI"llmakeittrue.Imaynotgothisyear."

Shestoodstaringinsheersurpriseatsightofmysudden,quiveringpassion.Ithinktheveryintensityofitfrightenedher.Andthen,withoutmoreado,Iopenedthegateandwasgone

Thatnight,thoughIdidnotrealizeit,myjourneyintoaFarCountrywasbegun.

Themiserythatfollowedthisincidenthadonecompensatingfactor.

AlthoughtoolatetoelectrifyDensmoreandPrincipalHaimewithmyscholarship,Iwasdeterminedtogotocollegenow,somehow,sometime.I

wouldshowmyfather,thesecompanionsofmine,andaboveallNancyherselfthestuffofwhichIwasmade,compelthemsoonerorlatertoadmitthattheyhadmisjudgedme.Ihadbeenpossessedbysimilarresolutionsbefore,thoughnonesostrong,andtheyhadawayofsinkingbelowthesurfaceofmyconsciousness,onlytoriseagainandagainuntilbysheerpressuretheyachievedrealization.

YetImighthavereturnedtoNancyifsomethinghadnotoccurredwhichI

wouldhavethoughtunbelievable:shebegantoshowamarkedpreferenceforRalphHambleton.AtfirstIregardedthisaffairasthemostobviousofretaliations.She,likewise,hadpride.Gradually,however,afeelingofuneasinesscreptoverme:aspretence,herperformancewasaltogethertoorealistic;shethrewherwholesoulintoit,dancedwithRalphasoftenasshehadeverdancedwithme,tookwalkswithhim,deferredtohisopinionsuntil,inspiteofmyself,Ibecameconvincedthatthepreferencewasgenuine.Iwasacuriousmixtureofself-

confidenceandself-depreciation,andneverhadhissuperiorityseemedmorepatentthannow.Hisairofsatisfactionwasmaddening.

HowwellIrememberhistriumphonthathot,JunemorningofourgraduationfromDensmore,atriumphhehadapparentlyachievedwithoutlabour,andwhichheseemedtodespise.Afitfulbreezeblewthroughthechapelatthetopofthebuilding;we,thegraduates,satintworowsnexttotheplatform,andbehindusthewoodenbenchesnickedbymanyknives——werefilledwithsistersandmothersandfathers,someanxious,someproudandsomesad.Sobriefaspan,likethatsummer"sday,andyouthwasgone!Wouldthetimecomewhenwe,too,shouldsitbythewatersofBabylonandsighforit?Theworldwasupsidedown.

Wereadtheonehundredandthirdpsalm.ThenPrincipalHaime,inhislong"PrinceAlbert"andaridiculouslyinadequatecollarthatemphasizedhisscrawnyneck,remindedusofthesacredassociationswehadformed,ofthepeculiarresponsibilitiesthatrestedonus,whoweretheprivilegedofthecity."Wehadcrossedto-day,"hesaid,"aninvisiblethreshold.Someweretogoontohigherinstitutionsoflearning.

Others"Igulped.QuotingtheScriptures,hecomplimentedthosewhohadmadethemostoftheiropportunities.Anditwasthenthathecalledout,impressively,thenameofRalphForresterHambleton.Summacumlaude!SuddenlyIwasseizedwithpassionate,vehementregretsatthesoundoftheapplause.Imighthavebeentheprizescholar,insteadofRalph,ifIhadonlyworked,ifIhadonlyrealizedwhatthisfocussingdayofgraduationmeant!Imighthavebeenamarkedindividual,withpeoplemurmuringwordsofadmiration,ofspeculationconcerningthebrilliancyofmyfuture!WhenatlastmynamewascalledandIrosetoreceivemydiplomaitseemedasthoughmyincompetencyhadbeenproclaimedtotheworld

ThateveningIstoodinthenarrowgalleryoftheflag-deckedgymnasiumandwatchedNancydancingwithRalph.

Ilethergowithoutprotestorreproach.Amysteriouslesionseemedtohavetakenplace,Ifeltastonishedandrelieved,yetIwasheavywithsadness.Myemancipationhadbeenboughtataprice.Somethinghithertospontaneous,warmandlivingwaswitheringwithinme.

V.

Itwastruetomyfather"scharacterthatheshouldhavewaiteduntilthedayaftergraduationtodiscussmyfuture,ifdiscussionbetheproperword.Thenexteveningatsupperheinformedmethathewishedtotalktomeinthesitting-room,whitherIfollowedhimwithasinkingheart.

Heseatedhimselfathisdesk,andsatforamomentgazingatmewithacuriousandbenumbingexpression,andthentheblowfell.

"Hugh,IhavespokentoyourCousinRobertBreckaboutyou,andhehaskindlyconsentedtogiveyouatrial."

"Togivemeatrial,sir!"Iexclaimed.

"Toemployyouatasmallbutreasonablesalary."

Icouldfindnowordstoexpressmydismay.Mydreamshadcometothis,thatIwastobemadeaclerkinagrocerystore!Thefactthatitwasawholesalegrocerystorewaslittleconsolation.

"Butfather,"Ifaltered,"Idon"twanttogointobusiness."

"Ah!"Thesharpnessoftheexclamationmighthavebetrayedtomethepaininwhichhewas,butherecoveredhimselfinstantly.AndIcouldseenothingbutaninexorablejusticeclosinginonmemechanically;ablindjustice,initsinabilitytoreadmysoul."Thetimetohavedecidedthat,"hedeclared,"wassomeyearsago,myson.Ihavegivenyouthebestschoolingaboycanhave,andyouhavenotshowntheleastappreciationofyouradvantages.Idonotenjoysayingthis,Hugh,butinspiteofallmyeffortsandofthoseofyourmother,youhaveremainedundevelopedandirresponsible.Myhope,asyouknow,wastohavemadeyouaprofessionalman,alawyer,andtotakeyouintomyoffice.Myfatherandgrandfatherwereprofessionalmenbeforeme.Butyouarewhollylackinginambition."

AndIhadburnedwithitallmylife!

"Ihaveambition,"Icried,thetearsforcingthemselvestomyeyes.

"Ambition——forwhat,myson?"

Ihesitated.HowcouldItellhimthatmylongingstodosomething,tobesomebodyintheworldwerenevermorekeenthanatthatmoment?

MatthewArnoldhadnotthenwrittenhisdefinitionofGodasthestreamoftendencybywhichwefulfilthelawsofourbeing;andmyfather,atanyrate,wouldnothaveacquiescedinthedefinition.DimlybutpassionatelyIfeltthen,asIhadalwaysfelt,thatIhadamissiontoperform,aservicetodowhichultimatelywouldberevealedtome.Butthehopelessnessofexplainingthistookon,now,theproportionsofatragedy.AndIcouldonlygazeathim.

"Whatkindofambition,Hugh?"herepeatedsadly.

"I——IhavesometimesthoughtIcouldwrite,sir,ifIhadachance.I

likeitbetterthananythingelse.I——Ihavetriedit.AndifIcouldonlygotocollege——"

"Literature!"Therewasinhisvoiceascandalizednote.

"Whynot,father?"Iaskedweakly.

Andnowitwashewho,forthefirsttime,seemedtobeatalosstoexpresshimself.Heturnedinhischair,andwithasweepofthehandindicatedthelongrowsofmusty-backedvolumes."Here,"hesaid,"youhavehadatyourdisposalaswell-assortedasmalllibraryasthecitycontains,andyouhavenotavailedyourselfofit.Yetyoutalktomeofliteratureasaprofession.Iamafraid,Hugh,thatthisismerelyanotherindicationofyourdesiretoshunhardwork,andImusttellyoufranklythatIfailtoseeinyoutheleastqualificationforsuchacareer.Youhavenoteveninheritedmytasteforbooks.Iventuretosay,forinstance,thatyouhaveneverevenreadaparagraphofPlutarch,andyetwhenIwasyourageIwascompletelyfamiliarwiththeLives.

YouwillnotreadScottorDickens."

Theimpeachmentwasnottobedenied,fortheclassicswerehatefultome.NaturallyIwasafraidtomakesuchadamningadmission.Myfatherhadsucceededinpresentingmyambitionastheheightofabsurdityandpresumption,andwithsomethingofthedespairofashipwreckedmarinermyeyesrestedonthegreenexpansesofthosebook-backs,Bohn"sStandardLibrary!Nordiditoccurtohimortomethatonemightbegreatinliteraturewithouthavingreadsomuchasagrittypageofthem

Hefinishedhisargumentbyremindingmethatworthlesspersonssoughttoentertheartsinthesearchforafool"sparadise,andinordertosatisfyareprehensiblecravingfornotoriety.Theimplicationwasclear,thatimaginativeproductioncouldnotbeclassedashardwork.

Andheassuredmethatliteraturewasaprofessioninwhichnoonecouldaffordtobesecondclass.ALongfellow,aHarrietBeecherStowe,ornothing.Thiswasapracticalageandapracticalcountry.WehadindeedproducedIrvingsandHawthornes,butthefutureofAmericanletterswas,tosaytheleast,problematical.Wewereautilitarianpeoplewhowouldnevercreateagreatliterature,andheremindedmethatthedaysoftheromanticandthepicturesquehadpassed.HegatheredthatIdesiredtobeanovelist.Well,novelists,withcertainexceptions,werefantasticfellowswhoblewiridescentsoap-bubblesandwhohadnomorals.InthefaceofsuchaphilosophyashisIwasmute.

Theworldappearedadrearyplaceofmustyofficesandsmokysteel-works,ofcoaldust,oflabourwithoutasparkofinspiration.Andthatother,theworldofmydreams,simplydidnotexist.

IncidentallymyfatherhadcondemnedCousinRobert"swholesalegrocerybusinessasarefugeofthelesserofintellectthatcouldnotachievetheprofessions,——aninferencenotcalculatedtostirmyambitionandlikingforitatthestart.

IbeganmybusinesscareeronthefollowingMondaymorning.Atbreakfast,heldearlierthanusualonmyaccount,mymother"ssympathywasthemoreeloquentforbeingunspoken,whilemyfatherworeanairofunwontedcheerfulness;chargingme,whenIdeparted,togivehiskindestremembrancestomyCousinRobertBreck.WithasenseofmartyrdomsomehowdeepenedbythisattitudeofmyparentsIboardedahorse-carandwentdowntown.Earlythoughitwas,thenarrowstreetsofthewholesaledistrictreverberatedwiththerattleoftrucksandechoedwiththeshoutsofdrivers.Thedaypromisedtobescorching.AtthedoorofthewarehouseofBreckandCompanyIwasgreetedbytheineffablesmellofgroceriesinwhichthesuggestionofparchedcoffeeprevailed.Thisisthesharpestremembranceofall,andevento-daythatodouraffectsmesomewhatinthemannerthattheinteriorofashipaffectsapersonpronetoseasickness.MyCousinRobert,inhiswell-wornalpacacoat,wasalreadyseatedathisdeskbehindthecloudedglasspartitionnextthealleyatthebackofthestore,andasIenteredhegazedatmeoverhissteel-rimmedspectacleswiththatsamedisturbinglookofclairvoyanceI

havealreadymentionedasoneofhischaracteristics.Thegreyeyeswerequizzical,andyetseemedtoexpressalittlecommiseration.

"Well,Hugh,you"vedecidedtohonourus,haveyou?"heasked.