第7章

"I"mmuchobligedforgivingmetheplace,CousinRobert,"Ireplied.

Buthehadnouseforthatsortofpoliteness,andhesawthroughme,asalways.

"Soyou"renottootonyforthegrocerybusiness,eh?"

"Oh,no,sir."

"ItwasgoodenoughforoldBenjaminBreck,"hesaid."Well,I"llgiveyouafairtrial,myboy,andnofavouritismonaccountofrelationship,anymorethantoWillie."

Hisstrongvoiceresoundedthroughthestore,andpresentlymycousinWillieappearedinanswertohissummons,thesameWilliewhousedtoleadme,onmischiefbent,throughthebarnsandwoodsandfieldsofClaremore.Hewasbarefootnolonger,thoughfreckledstill,grownlankyandtall;heworeacoarseblueapronthatfellbelowhisknees,andapencilwasstuckbehindhisear.

"GetanapronforHugh,"saidhisfather.

Willie"sgringrewwider.

"I"llfithimout,"hesaid.

"Starthimintheshippingdepartment,"directedCousinRobert,andturnedtohisletters.

Iwasforthwithprovidedwithanapron,andintroducedtotheslimandanaemicbutcheerfulJohnnyHedges,theshippingclerk,hardatworkinthealley.SecretlyIlookeddownonmyfellow-clerks,asonedestinedforahighermission,madeoutofbetterstuff,——finerstuff.Despitemyattempttohidethissenseofsuperioritytheywereswifttodiscoverit;

andperhapsitistomycreditaswellastheirsthattheydidnotresentit.Curiouslyenough,theyseemedtoacknowledgeit.BeforetheweekwasoutIhadearnedthenicknameofBeauBrummel.

"Say,Beau,"JohnnyHedgeswouldask,whenIappearedofamorning,"whathappenedinthegreatworldlastnight?"

Ihadanaffectionforthem,thesefellow-clerks,andIoftenwonderedattheircontentmentwiththedrablivestheyled,attheirself-

congratulationfor"havingajob"atBreckandCompany"s.

"Youdon"tmeantosayyoulikethiskindofwork?"IexclaimedonedaytoJohnnyHedges,aswesatonbarrelsofXXXXflourlookingoutatthehotsunlightinthealley.

"Itain"taquestionoflikingit,Beau,"herebukedme."It"sallverywellforyoutotalk,sinceyourfather"samillionaire"(afictionsofirmlyembeddedintheirheadsthatnoamountofdenialaffectedit),"butwhatdoyouthinkwouldhappentomeifIwasfired?Icouldn"tgohomeandtakeiteasy——youbetnot.IjustwanttoshakehandswithmyselfwhenIthinkthatI"vegotahome,andajoblikethis.Iknowafeller——ahardworkerhewas,toowhowalkedthepavementsforthreemonthswhentheColversfailed,andcouldn"tgetnothing,andtooktodrink,andthelastIheardofhimhewassleepinginpolicestationsandwalkingtheties,andhiswife"sawaitressatacheaphotel.Don"tyouthinkit"seasytogetajob."

Iwasmomentarilysoberedbytheearnestnesswithwhichhebroughthometometherelentlessnessofourcivilization.Itseemedincredible.I

shouldhavelearnedalessoninthatstore.Barringafewdiscordantdayswhentheorderscameintoofastorwhenwewereshorthandedbecauseofsickness,itwasaveritablehiveofhappiness;morningaftermorningclerksandportersarrived,pale,yetsmiling,andlabouredwithcheerfulnessfromeighto"clockuntilsix,anddepartedascheerfullyformodesthomesinobscureneighbourhoodsthatseemedtomeareasofexile.

Theyweretroubledwithnovisionsofbetterthings.Whenthetravellingmencameinfromthe"road"therewasgreathilarity.Importantpersonages,these,lookeduptobythecityclerks;jolly,reckless,Elizabethan-likerovers,whohadtastedofthewineofliberty——andofotherwineswiththeineradicablelustfortheroadintheirblood.NomoreroutineforJimmyBowles,whowaskingofthemall.IshuddertothinkhowmuchofmyknowledgeoflifeIowetothisJimmy,whosestorieswouldhavefilledaquartovolume,butcouldonnoaccounthavebeenpublished;foraself-respectingpost-officewouldnothaveallowedthemtopassthroughthemails.Asitwas,Jimmygavethemcirculationenough.Icanstillseehisroundface,withthenosejustindicated,hiswicked,twinklinglittleeyes,andIcanhearhishuskyvoicefalltoawhisperwhen"theboss"passedthroughthestore.Jimmy,whenvisitingus,alwayshadagrouparoundhim.Hisaudacitywithwomenamazedme,forheneverpassedoneofthe"ladyclerks"withoutsomeformofcaress,whichtheyresentedbutinvariablylaughedat.Onedayheimpartedtomehiscodeofmorality:henevermadelovetoanotherman"swife,soheassuredme,ifheknewtheman!Thesecretoflifehehaddiscoveredinlaughter,andbylaughterhesoldquantitiesofCousinRobert"sgroceries.

Mr.Bowlesboastedofacatholicacquaintanceinallthecitiesofhisdistrict,butbeforeventuringforthtoconquerthesehehadlearnedhisowncitybyheart.MyCousinRobertwasnotawareofthefactthatMr.

Bowles"showed"thetowntocertaincustomers.Heevendesiredtoshowittome,butanepicureanstraininmynatureheldmeback.JohnnyHedgeswentwithhimoccasionally,andHenrySchneider,thebillclerk,andIlistenedeagerlytotheirexperiences,afterwardsconfidingthemtoTom

Thereweretimeswhen,drivenbyanoverwhelmingcuriosity,Iventuredintocertainstrangestreets,alone,shiveringwithcoldandexcitement,grippedbyafascinationIdidnotcomprehend,myeyesnowaverted,nowirresistiblyraisedtowardthewhitestreaksoflightthatoutlinedthewindowsofdarkhouses

OnewintereveningasIwasgoinghome,Iencounteredatthemail-boxayoungwomanwhoshotatmeaqueer,twistedsmile.Istoodstill,asthoughstunned,lookingafterher,andwhenhalfwayacrosstheslushystreetsheturnedandsmiledagain.Prodigiouslyexcited,Ifollowedher,fearfulthatImightbeseenbysomeonewhoknewme,norwasituntilshereachedanunfamiliarstreetthatIventuredtoovertakeher.

Sheconfoundedmebyfacingme.

"Getout!"shecriedfiercely.

Ihaltedinmytracks,overwhelmedwithshame.Butshecontinuedtoregardmebythelightofthestreetlamp.

"Youdidn"twanttobeseenwithmeonSecondStreet,didyou?You"reoneofthosesneakingswells."

Theshockofthissuddenonslaughtwastremendous.Istoodfrozentothespot,trembling,convicted,forIknewthatheraccusationwasjust;I

hadwoundedher,andIhadadesiretomakeamends.

"I"msorry,"Ifaltered."Ididn"tmean——tooffendyou.Andyousmiled——"

Igotnofarther.Shebegantolaugh,andsoloudlythatIglancedanxiouslyabout.Iwouldhavefled,butsomethingstillheldme,somethingthatbeliedtheharshnessofherlaugh.

"You"rejustakid,"shetoldme."Say,yougetalonghome,andtellyourmammaIsentyou."

WhereuponIdepartedinastateofhumiliationandself-reproachIhadneverbeforeknown,wanderingaboutaimlesslyforalongtime.WhenatlengthIarrivedathome,lateforsupper,mymother"ssolicitudeonlyservedtodeepenmypain.Shewenttothekitchenherselftoseeifmymince-piewerehot,andservedmewithherownhands.MyfatherremainedathisplaceattheheadofthetablewhileItriedtoeat,smilingindulgentlyatherministrations.

"Oh,alittlehardworkwon"thurthim,Sarah,"hesaid."WhenIwashisageIoftenworkeduntileleveno"clockandneverfelttheworseforit.

Businessmustbeprettygood,eh,Hugh?"

Ihadneverseenhiminamorerelaxingmood,amoreapprovingone.MymothersatdownbesidemeWordsseemuselesstoexpressthecomplicatednatureofmysufferingatthatmoment,——myremorse,mysenseofdeception,ofhypocrisy,——yes,andmyterror.Itriedtotalknaturally,toanswermyfather"squestionsaboutaffairsatthestore,whileallthetimemyeyesrestedupontheobjectsoftheroom,familiarsincechildhood.Herewerewarmth,love,andsafety.WhycouldInotbecontentwiththem,thankfulforthem?Whatwasitinmethatdrovemefromtheseshelteringwallsoutintothedarkplaces?Iglancedatmyfather.Hadheeverknownthesewild,destroyingdesires?Oh,ifIonlycouldhaveconfidedinhim!Theveryideaofitwaspreposterous.Suchplacidityastheirswouldneverunderstandthenatureofmytemptations,andIpicturedtomyselftheirhorroranddespairatmyrevelation.InimaginationIbeheldtheirfiguresrecedingwhileIdriftedouttosea,alone.Wouldthetide——whichwassomehowwithinme——carrymeoutandout,inspiteofallIcoulddo?

"GivemethatmanThatisnotpassion"sslave,andIwillwearhimInmyheart"score"

Ididnotshirkmytasksatthestore,althoughInevergotoverthefeelingthatafineinstrumentwasbeingemployedwhereacoarseronewouldhavedoneequallywell.ThereweremomentswhenIwasalmostovercomebysurgesofself-commiserationandofimpotentanger:forinstance,IwasoncedrivenoutofashopbyanincensedGermangrocerwhomIhadaskedtosettlealong-standingaccount.Yetthedayspassed,thedailygrindabsorbedmyenergies,andwhenIwasnotcollecting,ortediouslygoingoverthestockinthedimrecessesofthestore,Iwasrunningerrandsinthewholesaledistrict,treadingtheburningbrickofthepavements,dodgingheavytrucksanddraysandperspiringclerkswhoflewaboutwithmemorandumpadsintheirhands,orawaitingthepleasureofbanktellers.SaveHarvey,thevenerableporter,Iwasthelasttoleavethestoreintheevening,andIalwayscameawaywiththetasteonmypalateofBreckandCompany"smail,itbeingmyfinaldutyto"lick"

thewholeofitanddeposititintheboxatthecorner.Thegumontheenvelopestastedofwinter-green.

MyCousinRobertwassomewhatastonishedatmyapplication.

"We"llmakeamanofyouyet,Hugh,"hesaidtomeonce,whenIhadperformedacommissionwithunexpecteddespatch

Businesswashisall-in-all,andhehadanundisguisedcontemptforhighereducation.Tosendaboytocollegewas,inhisopinion,torunnoinconsiderableriskofruininghim.Whatdidtheyamounttowhentheycamehome,struttinglikepeacocks,fulloffadsandfancies,andmuchtoogoodtoassociatewithdecent,hard-workingcitizens?NeverthelesswhenautumncameandmyfriendsdepartedwitheclatfortheEast,Iwasdesperateindeed!EventhecontemplationofRobertBreckdidnotconsoleme,andyethere,intruth,wasalifewhichmighthaveservedmeasamodel.Hisstorewashiscastle;andhisreputationforintegrityandsquaredealingaswideasthecity.OftenIusedtowatchhimwithacertainenvyashestoodinthedoorway,hishandsinhispockets,andgreetedfellow-merchantandbankerwithhisgenuineanddignifieddirectness.Thismanwashisownmaster.Theyallcalledhim"Robert,"

andtheymadeitclearbytheirmannerthattheyknewtheywereaddressingonewhofulfilledhisobligationsandaskednofavours.

CrustyoldNathanielDurrettoncedeclaredthatwhenyouboughtabillofgoodsfromRobertBreckyoudidnothavetocheckuptheinvoiceoremployachemist.Herewasacharactertomouldupon.IfmyambitioncouldbuthavebeenboundedbyBreckandCompany,I,too,mighthavecometostandinthatdoorwaycontentwithatributethatwasgreaterthanCaesar"s.

IhadbeendreadingtheChristmasholidays,whichwereindeedtobenoholidaysforme.AndwhenatlengththeyarrivedtheybroughtwiththemfromtheEastcertainheroesfashionablyclad,citizensnowofalargerworldthanmine.Theseformercompanionshadbecomesuperiorbeings,theycouldnothelpshowingit,andtheirpresencedestroyedtheBalanceofThings.Foralas,Ihadnotwhollyabjuredthefemininesexafterall!AndfrombeingasomewhatimportantfactorinthelivesofRuthHollisterandotheryoungwomenIsuddenlybecameofnoaccount.Newinterests,newrivalriesandloyaltieshadariseninwhichIhadnoshare;ImustperforcebusymyselfwithinvoicesofflourandcoffeeandcannedfruitswhilesleighridesandcoastingandskatingexpeditionstoBlackstoneLakefollowedoneanotherdayafterday,——fortheironyofcircumstanceshaddecreedawinteruncommonlycold.Therewereeveningparties,too,whereIfeltlikeanalien,thoughmyfriendswereguiltyofnoconsciousneglect;andhadIbeenabletoacceptthesituationsimply,Ishouldnothavesuffered.

TheprincipaleventofthoseholidayswasaplaygivenintheoldHambletonhouse(whichlaterbecametheBoyneClub),underthedirectionofthelivelyandtalentedMrs.Watling.Iwasinvited,indeed,toparticipate;butevenifIhadhadthedesireIcouldnothavedoneso,sincetherehearsalswerecarriedoninthedaytime.Nancywastheleadinglady.Ihaveneglectedtomentionthatshetoohadbeenawayalmostcontinuouslysinceourmisunderstanding,forthesummerinthemountains,——asojournrecommendedforhermother"shealth;andintheautumnshehadsomewhatabruptlydecidedtogoEasttoboarding-schoolatFarmington.Duringthebriefmonthsofherabsenceshehadmarvellouslyacquiredmaturityandaplomb,aworldlinessofmannerandacertainfrivolitythatseemedtoputthosewhosurroundedheronalowerplane.

Shewasonlyseventeen,yetsheseemedthewomanofthirtywhoserolesheplayed.Firstthereweremurmurs,thensustainedapplause.Iscarcelyrecognizedher:shehadtakenwingsandsoaredfaraboveme,suggestingasphereofpowerandluxuryhithertounimaginedandbeyondthescopeoftheworldtowhichIbelonged.

Hertriumphwasgenuine.Whentheplaywasovershewasimmediatelysurroundedbyenthusiasticadmirerseagertocongratulateher,todancewithher.Itoowouldhavegoneforward,butasenseofinadequacy,ofunimportance,ofaninabilitytocopewithher,heldmeback,andfromacornerIwatchedhersweepingaroundtheroom,holdinguphertrain,andleaningonthearmofBobLansing,aclassmatewhomRalphhadbroughthomefromHarvard.ThenitwasRalph"sturn:thataffairseemedstilltobegoingon.Myfeelingswereastrangemedleyofdespondencyandstimulation

Oureyesmet.HerpartnernowwasHamDurrett.Capriciouslyreleasinghim,shestoodbeforeme,"Hugh,youhaven"taskedmetodance,oreventoldmewhatyouthoughtoftheplay."

"Ithoughtitwassplendid,"Isaidlamely.

BecausesherefrainedfromreplyingIwasfartherthaneverfromunderstandingher.HowwasItodivinewhatshefelt?orwhetheranylongershefeltatall?Here,inthiscostumeofawomanoftheworld,withthestringofpearlsathernecktogiveherthefinaltouchofbrilliancy,wasastrange,newcreaturewhobaffledandsilencedme

Wehadnotgonehalfwayacrosstheroomwhenshehaltedabruptly.

"I"mtired,"sheexclaimed."Idon"tfeellikedancingjustnow,"andledthewaytothebig,rosepunch-bowl,oneoftheDurretts"mostcherishedpossessions.GlancingupatmeovertheglassoflemonadeI

hadgivenhershewenton:"Whyhaven"tyoubeentoseemesinceIcamehome?I"vewantedtotalktoyou,tohearhowyouaregettingalong."

Wasshetryingtomakeamends,orremindingmeinthissubtlewayofthecauseofourquarrel?WhatIwasawareofasIlookedatherwasanattitude,avantagepointapparentlygainedbycontactwiththatmysteriousouterworldwhichthusvicariouslyhadlaiditsspellonme;

Iwastremendouslystruckbythethoughtthattoachievethisattitudemeantemancipation,invulnerabilityagainsttheachesandpainswhichotherwiseourfellow-beingshadthepowertogiveus;masteryoverlife,——theabilitytochoosecalmly,asfromaheight,whatwerebestforone"sself,untroubledbylovesandhates.Untroubledbylovesandhates!Atthatverymoment,paradoxically,Ilovedhermadly,butwithalovenotoftheoldquality,alovethatdemandedavantagepointofitsown.

Eventhoughshehadmadeanadvance——andsomeelusivenessinhermannerledmetodoubtitIcouldnotgotohernow.Imustgoasaconqueror,——aconquerorinthelistssheherselfhadchosen,wheretheprizeispower.

"Oh,I"mgettingalongprettywell,"Isaid."Atanyrate,theydon"tcomplainofme."

"Somehow,"sheventured,"somehowit"shardtothinkofyouasabusinessman."

ItookthisforareferencetotheboastIhadmadethatIwouldgotocollege.

"Businessisn"tsobadasitmightbe,"Iassuredher.

"Ithinkamanoughttogoawaytocollege,"shedeclared,inwhatseemedanothertone."Hemakesfriends,learnscertainthings,——itgiveshimfinish.Weareveryprovincialhere."

Provincial!Ididnotstoptoreflecthowrecentlyshemusthaveacquiredtheword;itsummeduppreciselytheself-estimateatwhichI

hadarrived.Thestingwentdeep.BeforeIcouldthinkofaneffectivereplyNancywasbeingcarriedoffbytheyoungmanfromtheEast,whowasclearlyinfatuated.Hewasnotprovincial.ShesmiledbackatmebrightlyoverhisshoulderInthatinstantwerefusedinoneresolutionallthediscordantelementswithinmeofaspirationanddiscontent.ItwasnotsomuchthatIwouldshowNancywhatIintendedtodo——Iwouldshowmyself;andIfeltasuddenelation,andaccessionofpowerthatenabledmemomentarilytodespisethepuppetswithwhomshedancedFromthismoodIwasawakenedwithastarttofeelahandonmyshoulder,andIturnedtoconfrontherfather,McAleryWillett;agregarious,easygoing,pleasure-lovinggentlemanwhomadeonlyapretenceofbusiness,havinginheritedanamplefortunefromhisfather,uniqueamonghisgenerationinourcityinthathepaidsomeattentiontofashioninhisdress;goodlivingwasalreadybeginningtoaffecthisfigure.Hismellowvoicehadawayofbreakinganoctave.

"Don"tworry,myboy,"hesaid."Yousticktobusiness.Thesecollegefellowsarecocksofthewalkjustnow,butsomedayyou"llbeabletosnapyourfingersatallof"em."

Thenextdaywasdark,overcast,smoky,damp-thesoft,unwholesomedampnessthatfollowsaspellofhardfrost.IspentthemorningandafternoononthegloomythirdfloorofBreckandCompany,makingalistofthestock.IremembertheplaceasthoughIhadjuststeppedoutofit,thefreightelevatorattheback,thedusty,ironcolumns,thecontinuouspilesofcasesandbagsandbarrelswithnarrowaislesbetweenthem;thedirtywindows,spottedandsoot-streaked,thatlookeddownonSecondStreet.Iwasdeterminednowtoescapefromallthis,andIhadmyplaninmind.

NosoonerhadIswallowedmysupperthateveningthanIsetoutataswiftpaceforamodestresidencedistricttenblocksaway,comingtoalittleframehousesetbackinayard,——oneofthosehousesinwhichtheringingofthefrontdoor-bellproducesthegreatestcommotion;

children"svoiceswereexcitedlyraisedandthenhushed.Afterabriefsilencethedoorwasopenedbyapleasant-faced,brown-beardedman,whostoodstaringatmeinsurprise.Hishairwasrumpled,heworeanoldhousecoatwithaholeintheelbow,andwithonefingerhekepthisplaceinthebookwhichheheldinhishand.

"HughParet!"heexclaimed.

Heusheredmeintoalittleparlourlightedbytwolamps,thatboreeveryevidenceofhavingbeenrecentlyvacated.Itsfeaturessomehowbespokeastruggleforexistence;asthoughitsoccupantshadworriedmuchandlovedmuch.Itwasaroombestdescribedbytheword"home"——homemademorepreciousbyacertainprecariousness.Toysandschool-booksstrewedthefloor,asewing-bagandapronlayacrossthesofa,andinonecornerwasaroll-toppeddeskofvarnishedoak.Theseatsofthechairswerecomfortablydepressed.

SothiswaswhereMr.Woodlived!Mr.Wood,instructorinLatinandGreekatDensmoreAcademy.Itwasnowborneinonmeforthefirsttimethathedidliveandhavehistieslikeanyotherhumanbeing,insteadofjustappearingmagicallyfromnowhereonaplatforminachalkyroomatnineeverymorning,tovanishagainintheafternoon.Ihadformerlystoodinaweofhispresence.ButnowIwassuddenlypossessedbyanembarrassment,and(shallIsayit?)byacommiserationborderingoncontemptforamanwhowouldconsenttolivethusforthesakeofbeingaschoolteacher.Howstrangethatcivilizationshouldsetsuchahighvalueoneducationandtreatitsfunctionarieswithsuchneglect!

Mr.Wood"ssurpriseatseeingmewasgenuine.ForIhadnevershownaparticularinterestinhim,norintheknowledgewhichhestrovetoimpart.

"Ithoughtyouhadforgottenme,Hugh,"hesaid,andaddedwhimsically:

"mostboysdo,whentheygraduate."

Ifeltthereproach,whichmadeitthemoredifficultformetostatemyerrand.

"Iknewyousometimestookpupilsintheevening,Mr.Wood."

"Pupils,——yes,"hereplied,stilleyeingme.Suddenlyhiseyestwinkled.

Hehadindeednoreasontosuspectmeofthirstingforlearning."ButI

wasundertheimpressionthatyouhadgoneintobusiness,Hugh."

"Thefactis,sir,"Iexplainedsomewhatpainfully,"thatIamnotsatisfiedwithbusiness.Ifeel——asifIoughttoknowmore.AndIcametoseeifyouwouldgivemelessonsaboutthreenightsaweek,becauseI

wanttotaketheHarvardexaminationsnextsummer."

ThusImadeitappear,andsopersuadedmyself,thatmyambitionhadbeenpromptedbyacravingforknowledge.AssoonashecouldrecoverhimselfheremindedmethathehadonmanyoccasionsdeclaredIhadabrain.

"Yourfathermustbeveryhappyoverthisdecisionofyours,"hesaid.

Thatwasthepoint,Itoldhim.Itwastobeasurpriseformyfather;I

wastotaketheexaminationsfirst,andinformhimafterwards.

Tomyintenserelief,Mr.Woodfoundtheschemewhollylaudable,andenteredintoitwithzest.Heproducedexaminationsofprecedingyearsfromapigeonholeinhisdesk,andinsideofhalfanhourthearrangementwasmade,thepriceofthelessonssettled.Theywerewellwithinmysalary,whichrecentlyhadbeenraised

WhenIwentdowntown,orcollectingbillsforBreckandCompany,Itookatext-bookalongwithmeinthestreet-cars.NowatlastIhadbehindmystudiesadrivingforce.Algebra,Latin,Greekandhistorybecameworthwhile,meanstoanend.IastonishedMr.Wood;andsometimeshewouldtiltbackhischair,takeoffhisspectaclesandpullhisbeard.