第8章

"Whyinthenameofallthesages,"hewoulddemand,"couldn"tyouhavedonethiswellatschool?Youmighthaveledyourclass,insteadofRalphHambleton."

IgrewveryfondofMr.Wood,andevenofhisthinlittlewife,whooccasionallyflittedintotheroomafterwehadfinished.Ifullyintendedtokeepupwiththeminafterlife,butIneverdid.Iforgotthemcompletely

Myparentswerenotwhollyeasyintheirmindsconcerningme;theywerebewilderedbythenewaspectIpresented.Formylatelyacquiredmotivewasstrongenoughtocompelmetorestrictmyselfsocially,andtheeveningsIspentathomeweregiventostudy,usuallyinmyownroom.

OnceIwascaughtwithaLatingrammar:Iwasjust"lookingoverit,"I

said.Mymothersighed.Iknewwhatwasinhermind;shehadalwaysbeensecretlydisappointedthatIhadnotbeensenttocollege.Andpresently,whenmyfatherwentouttoattendatrustee"smeeting,theimpulsetoconfideinheralmostovercameme;Ilovedherwiththataffectionwhichgoesouttothosewhomwefeelunderstandus,butIwaslearningtorestrainmyfeelings.ShelookedatmewistfullyIknewthatshewouldinsistontellingmyfather,andthuspossiblyfrustratemyplans.ThatIwasnotdiscoveredwasduetoacertainquixotictwistinmyfather"scharacter.Iwasworkingnow,andthoughnotactuallyearningmyownliving,henolongerfeltjustifiedinpryingintomyaffairs.

WhenJunearrived,however,mytutorbegantoshowsignsthathisconsciencewastroublinghim,andonenighthedeliveredhisultimatum.

Thejokehadgonefarenough,heimplied.Myintentions,indeed,hefoundpraiseworthy,butinhisopinionitwashightimethatmyfatherwereinformedofthem;hewasdeterminedtocallatmyfather"soffice.

Thenextmorningwasbluewiththepresageofshowers;blue,too,withthepresageoffate.Aninterminablemorning.Mytaskshadbecomeutterlydistasteful.Andintheafternoon,sowhenIsatdowntomakeoutinvoices,Iwroteautomaticallythenamesofthefamiliarcustomers,mymindnowexaltedbyhope,nowdepressedbyanxiety.TheresultofaninterviewperhapsevennowgoingonwoulddeterminewhetherornoI

shouldbeimmediatelyreleasedfromaslaveryIdetested.WouldMr.Woodpersuademyfather?Ifnot,Iwaspreparedtotakemoredesperatemeasures;remaininthegrocerybusinessIwouldnot.Intheevening,asIhurriedhomewardfromthecornerwheretheBoyneStreetcarhaddroppedme,IhaltedsuddenlyinfrontofthePetershouse,absorbingthescenewheremychildhoodhadbeenspent:eachofthesespreadingmapleswasanoldfriend,andintheseyardsIhadplayedanddreamed.AnunaccountablesadnesspassedovermeasIwalkedontowardourgate;I

enteredit,gainedthedoorwayofthehouseandwentupstairs,glancingintothesittingroom.Mymothersatbythewindow,sewing.Shelookedupatmewithanineffableexpression,inwhichIreadatraceoftears.

"Hugh!"sheexclaimed.

Ifeltveryuncomfortable,andstoodlookingdownather.

"Whydidn"tyoutellus,myson?"Inhervoicewasintruthreproach;

yetmingledwiththatwasanothernote,whichIthinkwaspride.

"Whathasfathersaid?"Iasked.

"Oh,mydear,hewilltellyouhimself.I——Idon"tknow——hewilltalktoyou."

Suddenlysheseizedmyhandsanddrewmedowntoher,andthenheldmeaway,gazingintomyfacewithapassionatequestioning,herlipssmiling,hereyeswet.Whatdidshesee?WasthereasubtlerrelationshipbetweenournaturesthanIguessed?Didsheunderstandbysomeinstinctivepowertheriddlewithinme?divinethroughlovetheforcethatwasdrivingmeonsheknewnotwhither,norI?Atthesoundofmyfather"sstepinthehallshereleasedme.Hecameinasthoughnothinghadhappened.

"Well,Hugh,areyouhome?"hesaid

NeverhadIbeenmoreimpressed,morebewilderedbyhisself-commandthanatthattime.Saveforthefactthatmymothertalkedlessthanusual,supperpassedasthoughnothinghadhappened.WhetherIhadshakenhim,disappointedhim,orgainedhisreluctantapprovalIcouldnottell.

Graduallyhisoutwardcalmnessturnedmysuspensetoirritation

Butwhenatlengthwewerealonetogether,Igainedacertainreassurance.Hismannerwasnotsevere.Hehesitatedalittlebeforebeginning.

"Imustconfess,Hugh;thatIscarcelyknowwhattosayaboutthisproceedingofyours.Thethingthatstrikesmemostforciblyisthatyoumighthaveconfidedinyourmotherandmyself."

Hopeflashedupwithinme,likeanexplosion.

"I——Iwantedtosurpriseyou,father.Andthen,yousee,IthoughtitwouldbewisertofindoutfirsthowwellIwaslikelytodoattheexaminations."

Myfatherlookedatme.Unfortunatelyhepossessedneitherasenseofhumournorasenseoftragedysufficienttomeetsuchasituation.ForthefirsttimeinmylifeIbeheldhimatadisadvantage;forIhad,somehow,managedatlengthtoforcehimoutofposition,andhewaspuzzled.Iwasquicktoplaymytrumpcard.

"Ihavebeenthinkingitovercarefully,"Itoldhim,"andIhavemadeupmymindthatIwanttogointothelaw."

"Thelaw!"heexclaimedsharply.

"Why,yes,sir.IknowthatyouweredisappointedbecauseIdidnotdosufficientlywellatschooltogotocollegeandstudyforthebar."

Ifeltindeedamomentarypang,butIrememberedthatIwasfightingformyfreedom.

"Youseemedsatisfiedwhereyouwere,"hesaidinapuzzledvoice,"andyourCousinRobertgivesagoodaccountofyou."

"I"vetriedtodotheworkaswellasIcould,sir,"Ireplied."ButI

don"tlikethegrocerybusiness,oranyotherbusiness.IhaveafeelingthatI"mnotmadeforit."

"Andyouthink,now,thatyouaremadeforthelaw?"heasked,withthefainthintofasmile.

"Yes,sir,IbelieveIcouldsucceedatit.I"dliketotry,"Irepliedmodestly.

"You"vegivenuptheidioticnotionofwishingtobeanauthor?"

Iimpliedthathehimselfhadconvincedmeofthefutilityofsuchawish.Ilistenedtohisnextwordsasinadream.

"Imustconfesstoyou,Hugh,thattherearetimeswhenIfailtounderstandyou.Ihopeitisasyousay,thatyouhavearrivedatasettledconvictionastoyourfuture,andthatthisisnotanotherofthosecapricestowhichyouhavebeensubject,noradesiretoshirkhonestwork.Mr.Woodhasmadeoutastrongcaseforyou,andIhavethereforedeterminedtogiveyouatrial.Ifyoupasstheexaminationswithcredit,youmaygotocollege,butifatanytimeyoufailtomakegoodprogress,youcomehome,andgointobusinessagain.Isthatthoroughlyunderstood?"

Isaiditwas,andthankedhimeffusivelyIhadescaped,——theprisondoorshadflownopen.Butitiswrittenthateveryhappinesshasitssting;andmyjoy,intensethoughitwas,hadinitacoreofremorse

Iwentdownstairstomymother,whowassittinginthehallbytheopendoor.

"FathersaysImaygo!"Isaid.

Shegotupandtookmeinherarms.

"Mydear,Iamsoglad,althoughweshallmissyoudreadfullyHugh?"

"Yes,mother."

"Oh,Hugh,Isowantyoutobeagoodman!"

Hercrywasalittleincoherent,butfraughtwithameaningthatcamehometome,inspiteofmyself

AwhilelaterIranovertoannouncetotheamazedTomPetersthatIwasactuallygoingtoHarvardwithhim.Hestoodinthehalf-lightedhallway,hishandsinhispockets,blinkingatme.

"Hugh,you"reawonder!"hecried."HowinJehoshaphatdidyouworkit?"

Ilaylongawakethatnightthinkingoverthemomentouschangesosoontocomeintomylife,wonderingexultantlywhatNancyWillettwouldsaynow.

Iwasnotone,atanyrate,tobedespisedorneglected.

VI.

ThefollowingSeptemberTomPetersandIwentEasttogether.IntheearlymorningBostonbrokeonuslikeaMeccaaswerolledoutoftheoldAlbanystation,jointlordsofa"herdic."Howsharplythesmellofthesalt-ladeneastwindanditspenetratingcoolnesscomebacktome!I

seekinvainforwordstoexpresstheexhilaratingeffectofthatbrinycoolnessonmyimagination,andofthevisionsitsummonedupofthenewer,largerlifeintowhichIhadmarvellouslybeentransported.WealightedattheParkerHouse,full-fledgedmenoftheworld,andtriedtoactasthoughthebreakfastofwhichwepartookweremerelyanincident,notanEvent;asthoughwewereSeniors,andnotfreshmen,assuminganindifferencetothebeingsbywhomweweresurroundedandwhowerebreakfasting,too,——althoughthenice-lookingoneswithfreshfacesandtrimclotheswereallundoubtedlyOlympians.Thebettertoproclaimournonchalance,weseatedourselvesonaloungeofthemarble-pavedlobbyandsmokedcigarettes.Thiswaslibertyindeed!AtlengthwedepartedforCambridge,inanotherherdic.

Boston!Coulditbepossible?Everythingwassodifferenthereastogivetheplacetheaspectofadream:theBulfinchStateHouse,thedecorousshops,thestillmoredecorousdwellingswiththepurple-panedwindowsfacingtheCommon;BackBay,stillboardedup,ivy-spread,suggestiveofamysteriousanddelectableexistence.WecrossedtheCharlesRiver,blue-greyandstillthatmorning;traversedanondescriptdistrict,andatlastfoundourselvesgazingoutofthewindowsatthemellowed,plum-colouredbricksoftheUniversitybuildingsAllatonceourexhilarationevaporatedastheherdicrumbledintoasidestreetandbackedupbeforethedoorofanot-too-inviting,three-storiedhousewithaqueerextensionontop.Itsstepsandvestibulewere,however,immaculate.Thebellwasansweredbyaplainlyoverworkedservantgirl,ofwhomweinquiredforMrs.Bolton,ourlandlady.Therefollowedaperiodofwaitinginaparlourfromwhichthelighthadbeenalmostwhollybanished,withslipperyhorsehairfurnitureandamarble-toppedtable;andMrs.Bolton,whensheappeared,dressedinrustyblack,harmonizedperfectlywiththefunerealgloom.Shewasatall,rawboned,severeladywithapeculiarred-mottledcomplexionthatsomehowremindedoneoftheoutcroppingrocksofhernativeNewEnglandsoil.

"Youwanttoseeyourrooms,Isuppose,"sheremarkedimpassivelywhenwehadintroducedourselves,andaswemountedthestairsbehindherTom,inawhisper,nicknamedher"GraniteFace."Presentlysheleftus.

"Hospitablesoul!"saidTom,who,withhishandsinhispockets,wasgazingatthebarewallsofoursitting-room."We"llhavetogointothehouse-furnishingbusiness,Hughie.Ivotewedon"tlingerhereto-day——

we"llgetmelancholia."

Outside,however,thesunwasshiningbrightly,andwedepartedimmediatelytoexploreCambridgeandannounceourimportantpresencestotheproperauthoritiesWewentintoBostontodineItwasnotuntilnineo"clockintheeveningthatwereturnedandthebottomsuddenlydroppedoutofthings.Hewhohastastedthatfirst,acutehomesicknessofcollegewillknowwhatImean.Itusuallycomesattheopeningofone"strunk.ThesightofthetoptraygavemeapangIshallneverforget.IwouldnothavebelievedthatIlovedmymothersomuch!

Thesearticleshadbeenpackedbyherhands;andinonecorner,amongtheunderclothesonwhichshehadneatlysewedmyinitials,laythenewBibleshehadbought."HughMoretonParet,fromhisMother.September,1881."

Itookitup(Tomwasnotlooking)andtriedtoreadapassage,butmyeyeswereblurred.WhatwasitwithinmethatpressedandpresseduntilIthoughtIcouldbearthepainofitnolonger?Ipicturedthesitting-

roomathome,andmyfatherandmotherthere,thinkingofme.Yes,I

mustacknowledgeit;inthebitternessofthatmomentIlongedtobebackoncemoreintherailed-offspaceonthefloorofBreckandCompany,writinginvoices

Presently,aswewentonsilentlywithourunpacking,webecameawareofsomeoneinthedoorway.

"Hello,youfellows!"hecried."We"reclassmates,Iguess."

Weturnedtobeholdanungainlyyoungmaninanill-fittingbluesuit.

Hisfacewaspimply,hiseyesaTeutonicblue,hisyellowhairrumpled,hisnaturallylargemouthwasmadelargerbyafriendlygrin.

"I"mHermannKrebs,"heannouncedsimply."Whoareyou?"

Wereplied,Iregrettosay,withadistinctcoolnessthatdidnotseemtobotherhimintheleast.Headvancedintotheroom,holdingoutalarge,red,andserviceablehand,evidentlyithadneverdawnedonhimthattherewassuchathingintheworldassnobbery.ButTomandIhadbeen"coached"byRalphHambletonandPerryBlackwood,warnedtobecarefulofourfriendships.TherewasaReason!InanycaseMr.Krebswouldnothaveappealedtous.Inanswertoasecondquestionhewasinformedwhatcitywehailedfrom,andheproclaimedhimselflikewiseanativeofourstate.

"Why,I"mfromElkington!"heexclaimed,asthoughthefactsealedourfuturerelationships.HeseatedhimselfonTom"strunkandadded:

"WelcometooldHarvard!"

Wefeltthathewasscarcelyqualifiedtospeakfor"oldHarvard,"butwedidnotsayso.

"Youlookasifyou"dbeenpall-bearersforsomebody,"washisnextobservation.

Tothisthereseemednopossiblereply.

"Youfellowsareprettywellfixedhere,"hewenton,undismayed,gazingaboutaroomwhichhadseemedtoustheabominationofdesolation."Yourfolksmustberich.I"mupundertheskylight."

Eventhisfailedtotouchus.Hisfather——hetolduswithundiminishedcandour——hadbeenaGermanemigrantwhohadcomeoverin"49,afterthecauseoflibertyhadbeenlostintheoldcountry,andmadeeye-glassesandoperaglasses.Therehadn"tbeenafortuneinit.He,Hermann,hadworkedatvariousoccupationsinthesummertime,frompeddlingtofarming,untilhehadsavedenoughtostarthimatHarvard.Tom,whohadbeenbendingoverhisbureaudrawer,straightenedup.

"Whatdidyouwanttocomeherefor?"hedemanded.

"Say,whatdidyou?"Mr.Krebsretortedgenially."Togetaneducation,ofcourse."

"Aneducation!"echoedTom.

"Isn"tHarvardtheoldestandbestseatoflearninginAmerica,?"TherewasanexaltationinKrebs"svoicethatarrestedmyattention,andmademelookathimagain.Atroubledchordhadbeenstruckwithinme.

"Sure,"saidTom.

"Whatdidyoucomefor?"Mr.Krebspersisted.

"Tosowmywildoats,"saidTom."Iexpecttohavesomethingofacrop,too."

ForsomereasonIcouldnotfathom,itsuddenlyseemedtodawnonMr.

Krebs,asaresultofthisstatement,thathewasn"twanted.

"Well,solong,"hesaid,withanewdignitythatcuriouslybeliedtheinformalityofhisfarewell.

Anintervalofsilencefollowedhisdeparture.

"Well,he"sgotacrust!"saidTom,atlast.

MyownfeelingaboutMr.Krebshadbecomemorecomplicated;butItookmycuefromTom,whodealtwithsituationssimply.

"He"llcomeinforafewknockouts,"hedeclared."Here"stooldHarvard,thegreatestinstitutionoflearninginAmerica!Oh,gee!"

Ourvisitor,atleast,madeustemporarilyforgetourhomesickness,butitreturnedwithredoubledintensitywhenwehadputoutthelightsandgonetobed.

BeforewehadlefthomeithadbeenmildlyhintedtousbyRalphandPerryBlackwoodthatscholarlyeminencewasnotabsolutelynecessarytoone"swelfareandhappinessatCambridge.Thehinthadbeensomewhatsuperfluous;butthequestionremained,whatwasnecessary?Withaviewofgettingsomelightonthisdelicatesubjectwepaidavisitthenexteveningtoourformerfriendsandschoolmates,whoseadvicewasconveyedwithamasterlycircumlocutionthatimpressedusboth.Therearesomethingsthatmaynotbediscusseddirectly,andtheconductoflifeatamodernuniversity——whichisareflectionoflifeinthegreaterworld——isoneofthese.PerryBlackwoodandHamdidmostofthetalking,whileRalph,characteristically,layatfulllengthonthewindow-seat,interruptingwithanoccasionalterseandcynicalremarkverymuchtothepoint.Asasophomore,heinparticularseemedliftedimmeasurablyaboveus,forhewas——asmighthavebeenexpectedalreadyamarkedmaninhisclass.TheroomswhichhesharedwithhiscousinmadeatremendousimpressiononTomandme,andseemedpalatialincomparisontoourquartersatMrs.Bolton"s,eloquentofthefreedomandluxuryofundergraduateexistence;theirnote,perhaps,wasstruckbytheprofusionofgaysofapillows,thensomethingofaninnovation.Theheavy,expensivefurniturewasofapatternnewtome;andonthemantelwerethreeorfourphotographsofladiesinthealluringcostumeofthemusicalstage,inwhichTomevincedaparticularinterest.

"Didgrandfathersend"em?"heinquired.

"They"reHam"s,"saidRalph,andhecontrivedsomehowtogetintothosetwowordsanepitomeofhiscousin"scharacter.Hamwasstouter,andhisclothesweremorestriking,moreobviouslyexpensivethaneverOnourwayhomeward,afterwehadwalkedablockortwoinsilence,Tomexclaimed:——

"Don"tmakefriendswiththefriendless!——eh,Hughie?Weknewenoughtobeginallright,didn"twe?"

HaveImadeusoutapairofdeliberate,calculatingsnobs?Well,afterallitmustberememberedthatourbringinguphadnotbeenofsufficientliberalitytoincludetheKrebsesofthisworld.Wedidnot,indeed,spendmuchtimeinchoosingandweighingthosewhomweshouldknowandthosewhomweshouldavoid;andbeforethefirsttermofthatFreshmanyearwasoverTomhadbecomeafavourite.Hehadthegiftofmakingmenfeelthathedelightedintheirsociety,thathewishedfornothingbetterthantositforhoursintheircompany,contenttolistentotheargumentsthatragedabouthim.Onceinawhilehewouldmakeadrollobservationthatwasgreetedwithfitsoflaughter.Hewasalwaysreferredtoas"oldTom,"or"goodoldTom";presently,whenhebegantopickoutchordsonthebanjo,itwasdiscoveredthathehadagoodtenorvoice,thoughhecouldnotalwaysbeinducedtosingSomewhattothejeopardyoftheacademicstandardthatmyfatherexpectedmetosustain,ourroomsbecamearendezvousformanyclubablesoulswhosemaudlin,midnightattemptsatharmonyoftensetthecockscrowing.

"Freefromcareanddespair,Whatcarewe?

"Tiswine,"tiswineThatmakesthejollity."

Asamatteroftruth,ontheseoccasionsitwasmoreoftenbeer;beertransportedthitherinTom"snewvalise,——givenhimbyhismother,——andstuffedwithsnowtokeepthebottlescold.SometimesGraniteFace,adornedinasky-bluewrapper,wouldsuddenlyappearinthedoorwaytodeclarethatwewereadisgracetoherrespectablehouse:theuniversityauthoritiesshouldbeinformed,etc.,etc.Poorwoman,wewereoutrageouslyinconsiderateofherOneeveningaswecamethroughthehallwecaughtaglimpseinthedimlylightedparlourofayoungmanholdingashyandpalelittlegirlonhislap,Annie,Mrs.Bolton"sdaughter:onthefaceofourlandladywasanexpressionIhadneverseenthere,likealight.Ishouldscarcelyhaveknownher.TomandIpausedatthefootofthestairs.Heclutchedmyarm.

"Darnedifitwasn"tourfriendKrebs!"hewhispered.

WhileIwasbynomeanssopopularasTom,Igotalongfairlywell.I

hadescapedfromprovincialism,fromtheobscurepurgatoryofthewholesalegrocerybusiness;newvistas,excitingandstimulating,hadbeenopenedup;nordidIoffendthesensibilitiesandprejudicesofthenewfriendsImade,butgaveaheartyconsenttoacodeIfoundcongenial.IrecognizedinthesocialsystemofundergraduatelifeatHarvardareflectionofthatofagreaterworldwhereIhopedsomedaytoshine;yetmyambitiondidnotpreyuponme.Mereconformity,however,wouldnothavetakenmeveryfarinaspherefromwhichI,incommonwithmanyothers,desirednottobeexcludedOneday,inanidlebutinspiredmoment,Iparaphrasedasongfrom"Pinafore,"applyingittoacollegeembroglio,andthebriefandlivelyvogueitenjoyedwassufficienttoindicateafutureusefulness.Ihad"foundmyself."Thiswasinthelastpartofthefreshmanyear,andlateronIbecameasortofamateur,classpoet-laureate.ManyweretheskitsIcomposed,andTomsangthem

DuringthatfreshmanyearweoftenencounteredHermannKrebs,whistlingmerrily,onthestairs.

"Gotyourthemesdone?"hewouldinquirecheerfully.

AndTomwouldalwaysmutter,whenhewasoutofearshot:"Hehasgotacrust!"

WhenIthoughtaboutKrebsatall,——andthiswasseldomindeed,——hismanifesthappinesspuzzledme.Ourcoolpolitenessdidnotseemtobotherhimintheleast;onthecontrary,Igottheimpressionthatitamusedhim.Heseemedtohavemadenofriends.Andafterthatfirstevening,memorableforitshomesickness,heneverventuredtorepeathisvisittous.

OnewindyNovemberdayIspiedhissomewhatludicrousfigurestridingaheadofme,histrousersabovehisankles.Iwasbundledupinanewulster,——ofwhichIwassecretlyquiteproud,——butheworenoovercoatatall.

"Well,howareyougettingalong?"Iasked,asIovertookhim.

Hemadeclear,asheturned,hissurprisethatIshouldhaveaddressedhimatall,butimmediatelyrecoveredhimself.

"Oh,fine,"heresponded."I"vehadbetterluckthanIexpected.I"mcorrespondentfortwoorthreenewspapers.Ibeganbywashingwindows,anddoingoddjobsfortheprofessors"wives."Helaughed."Iguessthatdoesn"tstrikeyouasgoodluck."