第17章

havebeenratherabsurdinmyavoidanceofwomen。Ihavenevergivenawomanakissinmylife，exceptyourselfandmymother。"

Themanoftwoandthirtywiththeexperiencedmindwarmedalloverwithaboy"singenuousshameashemadetheconfession。

"What，notone？"shefaltered。

"No；notone。"

"Howverystrange!"

"Yes，thereverseexperiencemaybecommoner。Andyet，tothosewhohaveobservedtheirownsex，asIhave，mycaseisnotremarkable。Menabouttownarewomen"sfavourites——that"sthepostulate——andsuperficialpeopledon"tthinkfarenoughtoseethattheremaybereserved，lonelyexceptions。"

"Areyouproudofit，Harry？"

"No，indeed。OflateyearsIhavewishedIhadgonemywaysandtrodoutmymeasurelikelighter-heartedmen。IhavethoughtofhowmanyhappyexperiencesImayhavelostthroughnevergoingtowoo。"

"Thenwhydidyouholdaloof？"

"Icannotsay。Idon"tthinkitwasmynatureto:circumstancehinderedme，perhaps。Ihaveregretteditforanotherreason。

Thisgreatremissnessofminehashaditseffectuponme。TheolderIhavegrown，themoredistinctlyhaveIperceivedthatitwasabsolutelypreventingmefromlikinganywomanwhowasnotasunpractisedasI；andIgaveuptheexpectationoffindinganineteenth-centuryyoungladyinmyownrawstate。ThenIfoundyou，Elfride，andlfeltforthefirsttimethatmyfastidiousnesswasablessing。Andithelpedtomakemeworthyofyou。Ifeltatoncethat，differingaswedidinotherexperiences，inthismatterIresembledyou。Well，aren"tyougladtohearit，Elfride？"

"Yes，Iam，"sheansweredinaforcedvoice。"ButIalwayshadthoughtthatmenmadelotsofengagementsbeforetheymarried——

especiallyiftheydon"tmarryveryyoung。"

"Soallwomenthink，Isuppose——andrightly，indeed，ofthemajorityofbachelors，asIsaidbefore。Butanappreciableminorityofslow-coachmendonot——anditmakesthemveryawkwardwhentheydocometothepoint。However，itdidn"tmatterinmycase。"

"Why？"sheaskeduneasily。

"Becauseyouknowevenlessoflove-makingandmatrimonialprearrangementthanI，andsoyoucan"tdrawinvidiouscomparisonsifIdomyengagingimproperly。"

"Ithinkyoudoitbeautifully!"

"Thankyou，dear。But，"continuedKnightlaughingly，"youropinionisnotthatofanexpert，whichaloneisofvalue。"

Hadsheanswered，"Yes，itis，"halfasstronglyasshefeltit，Knightmighthavebeenalittleastonished。

"Ifyouhadeverbeenengagedtobemarriedbefore，"hewenton，"Iexpectyouropinionofmyaddresseswouldbedifferent。Butthen，Ishouldnot——"

"Shouldnotwhat，Harry？"

"Oh，IwasmerelygoingtosaythatinthatcaseIshouldneverhavegivenmyselfthepleasureofproposingtoyou，sinceyourfreedomfromthatexperiencewasyourattraction，darling。"

"Youaresevereonwomen，areyounot？"

"No，Ithinknot。Ihadarighttopleasemytaste，andthatwasforuntriedlips。Othermenthanthoseofmysortacquirethetasteastheygetolder——butdon"tfindanElfride——"

"Whathorridsoundisthatwehearwhenwepitchforward？"

"Onlythescrew——don"tfindanElfrideasIdid。TothinkthatI

shouldhavediscoveredsuchanunseenflowerdownthereintheWest——towhomamanisasmuchasamultitudetosomewomen，andatripdowntheEnglishChannellikeavoyageroundtheworld!"

"Andwouldyou，"shesaid，andhervoicewastremulous，"havegivenupalady——ifyouhadbecomeengagedtoher——andthenfoundshehadhadONEkissbeforeyours——andwouldyouhave——goneawayandlefther？"

"Onekiss，——no，hardlyforthat。"

"Two？"

"Well——Icouldhardlysayinventoriallylikethat。Toomuchofthatsortofthingcertainlywouldmakemedislikeawoman。Butletusconfineourattentiontoourselves，notgothinkingofmighthavebeens。"

SoElfridehadallowedherthoughtsto"dallywithfalsesurmise，"

andeveryoneofKnight"swordsfelluponherlikeaweight。

Afterthistheyweresilentforalongtime，gazingupontheblackmysterioussea，andhearingthestrangevoiceoftherestlesswind。Arockingtoandfroonthewaves，whenthebreezeisnottooviolentandcold，producesasoothingeffectevenuponthemosthighly-wroughtmind。ElfrideslowlysankagainstKnight，andlookingdown，hefoundbyhersoftregularbreathingthatshehadfallenasleep。Notwishingtodisturbher，hecontinuedstill，andtookanintensepleasureinsupportingherwarmyoungformasitroseandfellwithhereverybreath。

Knightfelltodreamingtoo，thoughhecontinuedwideawake。Itwaspleasanttorealizetheimplicittrustsheplacedinhim，andtothinkofthecharminginnocenceofonewhocouldsinktosleepinsosimpleandunceremoniousamanner。Morethanall，themusingunpracticalstudentfelttheimmenseresponsibilityhewastakinguponhimselfbybecomingtheprotectorandguideofsuchatrustingcreature。Thequietslumberofhersoullentaquietnesstohisown。Thenshemoaned，andturnedherselfrestlessly。

Presentlyhermutteringsbecamedistinct:

"Don"ttellhim——hewillnotloveme……Ididnotmeananydisgrace——indeedIdidnot，sodon"ttellHarry。Weweregoingtobemarried——thatwaswhyIranaway……Andhesayshewillnothaveakissedwoman……Andifyoutellhimhewillgoaway，andI

shalldie。Iprayhavemercy——Oh!"

Elfridestartedupwildly。

Thepreviousmomentamusicalding-donghadspreadintotheairfromtheirrighthand，andawakenedher。

"Whatisit？"sheexclaimedinterror。

"Only"eightbells，""saidKnightsoothingly。"Don"tbefrightened，littlebird，youaresafe。Whathaveyoubeendreamingabout？"

"Ican"ttell，Ican"ttell!"shesaidwithashudder。"Oh，I

don"tknowwhattodo!"

"Stayquietlywithme。Weshallsoonseethedawnnow。Look，themorningstarislovelyoverthere。Thecloudshavecompletelyclearedoffwhilstyouhavebeensleeping。Whathaveyoubeendreamingof？"

"Awomaninourparish。"

"Don"tyoulikeher？"

"Idon"t。Shedoesn"tlikeme。Wherearewe？"

"AboutsouthoftheExe。"

Knightsaidnomoreonthewordsofherdream。TheywatchedtheskytillElfridegrewcalm，andthedawnappeared。Itwasmerewanlightnessfirst。Thenthewindblewinachangedspirit，anddiedawaytoazephyr。Thestardissolvedintotheday。

"That"showIshouldliketodie，"saidElfride，risingfromherseatandleaningoverthebulwarktowatchthestar"slastexpiringgleam。

"Asthelinessay，"Knightreplied——

""Tosetassetsthemorningstar，whichgoesNotdownbehindthedarken"dwest，norhidesObscuredamongthetempestsofthesky，Butmeltsawayintothelightofheaven。”"

"Oh，otherpeoplehavethoughtthesamething，havethey？That"salwaysthecasewithmyoriginalities——theyareoriginaltonobodybutmyself。"

"Notonlythecasewithyours。WhenIwasayounghandatreviewingIusedtofindthatafrightfulpitfall——dilatinguponsubjectsImetwith，whichwerenoveltiestome，andfindingafterwardstheyhadbeenexhaustedbythethinkingworldwhenI

wasinpinafores。"

"Thatisdelightful。WheneverIfindyouhavedoneafoolishthingIamglad，becauseitseemstobringyoualittlenearertome，whohavedonemany。"AndElfridethoughtagainofherenemyasleepunderthedecktheytrod。

Allupthecoast，prominencessingledthemselvesoutfromrecesses。Thenarosyskyspreadovertheeasternseaandbehindthelowlineofland，flingingitsliveryindashesuponthethinairycloudsinthatdirection。Everyprojectiononthelandseemednowsomanyfingersanxioustocatchalittleoftheliquidlightthrownsoprodigallyoverthesky，andafterafantastictimeoflustrousyellowsintheeast，thehigherelevationsalongtheshorewerefloodedwiththesamehues。ThebluffandbarecontoursofStartPointcaughtthebrightest，earliestglowofall，andsoalsodidthesidesofitswhitelighthouse，percheduponashelfinitsprecipitousfrontlikeamediaevalsaintinaniche。TheirloftyneighbourBoltHeadontheleftremainedasyetungilded，andretaineditsgray。

Thenupcamethesun，asitwereinjerks，justtoseawardoftheeasternmostpointofland，flingingoutaJacob"s-ladderpathoflightfromitselftoElfrideandKnight，andcoatingthemwithraysinafewminutes。Theinferiordignitariesoftheshore——

FrowardPoint，BerryHead，andPrawle——allhadacquiredtheirshareoftheilluminationerethis，andatlengththeverysmallestprotuberanceofwave，cliff，orinlet，eventotheinnermostrecessesofthelovelyvalleyoftheDart，haditsportion；andsunlight，nowthecommonpossessionofall，ceasedtobethewonderfulandcovetedthingithadbeenashorthalfhourbefore。

Afterbreakfast，Plymoutharoseintoview，andgrewdistinctertotheirnearingvision，theBreakwaterappearinglikeastreakofphosphoriclightuponthesurfaceofthesea。ElfridelookedfurtivelyaroundforMrs。Jethway，butcoulddiscernnoshapelikehers。Afterwards，inthebustleoflanding，shelookedagainwiththesameresult，bywhichtimethewomanhadprobablyglideduponthequayunobserved。Expandingwithasenseofrelief，ElfridewaitedwhilstKnightlookedtotheirluggage，andthensawherfatherapproachingthroughthecrowd，twirlinghiswalking-sticktocatchtheirattention。Elbowingtheirwaytohimtheyallenteredthetown，whichsmiledassunnyasmileuponElfrideasithaddonebetweenoneandtwoyearsearlier，whenshehadentereditatpreciselythesamehourasthebride-electofStephenSmith。

ChapterXXX

"VassaluntoLove。"

ElfrideclungclosertoKnightasdaysucceededday。Whateverelsemightadmitofquestion，therecouldbenodisputethattheallegiancesheborehimabsorbedherwholesoulandexistence。A

greaterthanStephenhadarisen，andshehadleftalltofollowhim。

Theunreservedgirlwasnevercharyoflettingherloverdiscoverhowmuchsheadmiredhim。Sheneveronceheldanideainoppositiontoanyoneofhis，orinsistedonanypointwithhim，orshowedanyindependence，orheldherownonanysubject。Hislightestwhimsherespectedandobeyedaslaw，andif，expressingheropiniononamatter，hetookupthesubjectanddifferedfromher，sheinstantlythrewdownherownopinionaswronganduntenable。Evenherambiguitiesandespiegleriewerebutmediaofthesamemanifestation；actedcharades，embodyingthewordsofherprototype，thetenderandsusceptibledaughter-in-lawofNaomi:

"Letmefindfavourinthysight，mylord；forthatthouhastcomfortedme，andforthatthouhastspokenfriendlyuntothinehandmaid。"

Shewassyringingtheplantsonewetdayinthegreenhouse。

Knightwassittingunderagreatpassion-flowerobservingthescene。Sometimeshelookedoutattherainfromthesky，andthenatElfride"sinnerrainoflargerdrops，whichfellfromtreesandshrubs，afterhavingpreviouslyhungfromthetwigslikesmallsilverfruit。

"Imustgiveyousomethingtomakeyouthinkofmeduringthisautumnatyourchambers，"shewassaying。"Whatshallitbe？

Portraitsdomoreharmthangood，byselectingtheworstexpressionofwhichyourfaceiscapable。Hairisunlucky。Andyoudon"tlikejewellery。"

"Somethingwhichshallbringbacktomymindthemanysceneswehaveenactedinthisconservatory。IseewhatIshouldprizeverymuch。Thatdwarfmyrtletreeinthepot，whichyouhavebeensocarefullytending。"

Elfridelookedthoughtfullyatthemyrtle。

"Icancarryitcomfortablyinmyhatbox，"saidKnight。"AndI

willputitinmywindow，andso，itbeingalwaysbeforemyeyes，Ishallthinkofyoucontinually。"

ItsohappenedthatthemyrtlewhichKnighthadsingledouthadapeculiarbeginningandhistory。IthadoriginallybeenatwigworninStephenSmith"sbutton-hole，andhehadtakenitthence，stuckitintothepot，andtoldherthatifitgrew，shewastotakecareofit，andkeepitinremembranceofhimwhenhewasfaraway。

Shelookedwistfullyattheplant，andasenseoffairnesstoSmith"smemorycausedherapangofregretthatKnightshouldhaveaskedforthatveryone。Itseemedexceedingacommonheartlessnesstoletitgo。

"Istherenotanythingyoulikebetter？"shesaidsadly。"Thatisonlyanordinarymyrtle。"

"No:Iamfondofmyrtle。"Seeingthatshedidnottakekindlytotheidea，hesaidagain，"Whydoyouobjecttomyhavingthat？"

"Ohno——Idon"tobjectprecisely——itwasafeeling——Ah，here"sanothercuttinglatelystruck，andjustassmall——ofabetterkind，andwithprettierleaves——myrtusmicrophylla。"

"Thatwilldonicely。Letitbeputinmyroom，thatImaynotforgetit。Whatromanceattachestotheother？"

"Itwasagifttome。"

Thesubjectthendropped。Knightthoughtnomoreofthemattertill，onenteringhisbedroomintheevening，hefoundthesecondmyrtleplaceduponhisdressing-tableashehaddirected。Hestoodforamomentadmiringthefreshappearanceoftheleavesbycandlelight，andthenhethoughtofthetransactionoftheday。

Maleloversaswellasfemalecanbespoiltbytoomuchkindness，andElfride"suniformsubmissivenesshadgivenKnightaratherexactingmanneratcrises，attachedtoherashewas。"WhyshouldshehaverefusedtheoneIfirstchose？"henowaskedhimself。

Evensuchslightoppositionasshehadshownthenwasexceptionalenoughtomakeitselfnoticeable。Hewasnotvexedwithherintheleast:themerevariationofherwayto-dayfromherusualwayskepthimmusingonthesubject，becauseitperplexedhim。

"Itwasagift"——thosewereherwords。Admittingittobeagift，hethoughtshecouldhardlyvalueamerefriendmorethanshevaluedhimasalover，andgivingtheplantintohischargewouldhavemadenodifference。"Except，indeed，itwasthegiftofalover，"hemurmured。

"IwonderifElfridehaseverhadaloverbefore？"hesaidaloud，asanewidea，quite。Thisandcompanionthoughtswereenoughtooccupyhimcompletelytillhefellasleep——ratherlaterthanusual。

Thenextday，whentheywereagainalone，hesaidtoherrathersuddenly——

"Doyoulovememoreorless，Elfie，forwhatItoldyouonboardthesteamer？"

"Youtoldmesomanythings，"shereturned，liftinghereyestohisandsmiling。

"Imeantheconfessionyoucoaxedoutofme——thatIhadneverbeeninthepositionofloverbefore。"

"Itisasatisfaction，Isuppose，tobethefirstinyourheart，"

shesaidtohim，withanattempttocontinuehersmiling。

"Iamgoingtoaskyouaquestionnow，"saidKnight，somewhatawkwardly。"Ionlyaskitinawhimsicalway，youknow:notwithgreatseriousness，Elfride。Youmaythinkitodd，perhaps。"

Elfridetrieddesperatelytokeepthecolourinherface。Shecouldnot，thoughdistressedtothinkthatgettingpaleshowedconsciousnessofdeeperguiltthanmerelygettingred。

"Ohno——Ishallnotthinkthat，"shesaid，becauseobligedtosaysomethingtofillthepausewhichfollowedherquestioner"sremark。

"Itisthis:haveyoueverhadalover？Iamalmostsureyouhavenot；but，haveyou？"

"Not，asitwere，alover；Imean，notworthmentioning，Harry，"

shefaltered。

Knight，overstrainedinsentimentasheknewthefeelingtobe，feltsomesicknessofheart。

"Still，hewasalover？"

"Well，asortoflover，Isuppose，"sherespondedtardily。

"Aman，Imean，youknow。"

"Yes；butonlyamereperson，and——"

"Buttrulyyourlover？"

"Yes；alovercertainly——hewasthat。Yes，hemighthavebeencalledmylover。"

Knightsaidnothingtothisforaminuteormore，andkeptsilenttimewithhisfingertothetickoftheoldlibraryclock，inwhichroomthecolloquywasgoingon。

"Youdon"tmind，Harry，doyou？"shesaidanxiously，nestlingclosetohim，andwatchinghisface。

"Ofcourse，Idon"tseriouslymind。Inreason，amancannotobjecttosuchatrifle。Ionlythoughtyouhadn"t——thatwasall。"

However，oneraywasabstractedfromthegloryaboutherhead。

Butafterwards，whenKnightwaswanderingbyhimselfoverthebareandbreezyhills，andmeditatingonthesubject，thatraysuddenlyreturned。Forshemighthavehadalover，andneverhavecaredintheleastforhim。Shemighthaveusedthewordimproperly，andmeant"admirer"allthetime。Ofcourseshehadbeenadmired；andonemanmighthavemadehisadmirationmoreprominentthanthatoftherest——averynaturalcase。

Theyweresittingononeofthegardenseatswhenhefoundoccasiontoputthesuppositiontothetest。"Didyoulovethatloveroradmirerofyourseversolittle，Elfie？"

Shemurmuredreluctantly，"Yes，IthinkIdid。"

Knightfeltthesamefainttouchofmisery。"Onlyaverylittle？"

hesaid。

"Iamnotsurehowmuch。"

"Butyouaresure，darling，youlovedhimalittle？"

"IthinkIamsureIlovedhimalittle。"

"Andnotagreatdeal，Elfie？"

"Mylovewasnotsupportedbyreverenceforhispowers。"

"But，Elfride，didyoulovehimdeeply？"saidKnightrestlessly。

"Idon"texactlyknowhowdeepyoumeanbydeeply。"

"That"snonsense。"

"Youmisapprehend；andyouhaveletgomyhand!"shecried，hereyesfillingwithtears。"Harry，don"tbeseverewithme，anddon"tquestionme。IdidnotlovehimasIdoyou。AndcoulditbedeeplyifIdidnotthinkhimclevererthanmyself？ForIdidnot。Yougrievemesomuch——youcan"tthink。"

"Iwillnotsayanotherwordaboutit。"

"Andyouwillnotthinkaboutit，either，willyou？IknowyouthinkofweaknessesinmeafterIamoutofyoursight；andnotknowingwhattheyare，Icannotcombatthem。Ialmostwishyouwereofagrossernature，Harry；intruthIdo!Orrather，IwishIcouldhavetheadvantagessuchanatureinyouwouldaffordme，andyethaveyouasyouare。"

"Whatadvantageswouldtheybe？"

"Lessanxiety，andmoresecurity。Ordinarymenarenotsodelicateintheirtastesasyou；andwheretheloverorhusbandisnotfastidious，andrefined，andofadeepnature，thingsseemtogoonbetter，Ifancy——asfarasIhavebeenabletoobservetheworld。"

"Yes；Isupposeitisright。Shallownesshasthisadvantage，thatyoucan"tbedrownedthere。"

"ButIthinkI"llhaveyouasyouare；yes，Iwill!"shesaidwinsomely。"Thepracticalhusbandsandwiveswhotakethingsphilosophicallyareveryhumdrum，aretheynot？Yes，itwouldkillmequite。Youpleasemebestasyouare。"