第11章
Andthenthereispainting。Whataredragistoabull，Turner"s"SlaveShip"wastome，beforeIstudiedart。
Mr。Ruskiniseducatedinartuptoapointwherethatpicturethrowshimintoasmadanecstasyofpleasureasitusedtothrowmeintooneofrage，lastyear，whenIwasignorant。Hiscultivationenableshim——andme，now——toseewaterinthatglaringyellowmud，andnaturaleffectsinthoseluridexplosionsofmixedsmokeandflame，andcrimsonsunsetglories；itreconcileshim——andme，now——tothefloatingofironcable-chainsandotherunfloatablethings；itreconcilesustofishesswimmingaroundontopofthemud——Imeanthewater。Themostofthepictureisamanifestimpossibility——thatistosay，alie；andonlyrigidcultivationcanenableamantofindtruthinalie。ButitenabledMr。Ruskintodoit，andithasenabledmetodoit，andIamthankfulforit。
ABostonnewspaperreporterwentandtookalookattheSlaveShipflounderingaboutinthatfierceconflagrationofredsandyellows，andsaiditremindedhimofatortoise-shellcathavingafitinaplatteroftomatoes。Inmythenuneducatedstate，thatwenthometomynon-cultivation，andIthoughthereisamanwithanunobstructedeye。
Mr。Ruskinwouldhavesaid:Thispersonisanass。
ThatiswhatIwouldsay，now。[1]
1。Monthsafterthiswaswritten，IhappenedintotheNationalGalleryinLondon，andsoonbecamesofascinatedwiththeTurnerpicturesthatIcouldhardlygetawayfromtheplace。
Iwentthereoften，afterward，meaningtoseetherestofthegallery，buttheTurnerspellwastoostrong；
itcouldnotbeshakenoff。However，theTurnerswhichattractedmemostdidnotremindmeoftheSlaveShip。
However，ourbusinessinBaden-Badenthistime，wastojoinourcourier。Ihadthoughtitbesttohireone，asweshouldbeinItaly，byandby，andwedidnotknowthelanguage。Neitherdidhe。
Wefoundhimatthehotel，readytotakechargeofus。
Iaskedhimifhewas"allfixed。"Hesaidhewas。
Thatwasverytrue。Hehadatrunk，twosmallsatchels，andanumbrella。Iwastopayhimfifty-fivedollarsamonthandrailwayfares。Onthecontinenttherailwayfareonatrunkisaboutthesameitisonaman。
Couriersdonothavetopayanyboardandlodging。
Thisseemsagreatsavingtothetourist——atfirst。
ItdoesnotoccurtothetouristthatSOMEBODYpaysthatman"sboardandlodging。Itoccurstohimbyandby，however，inoneofhislucidmoments。
CHAPTERXXV
[HuntedbytheLittleChamois]
NextmorningweleftinthetrainforSwitzerland，andreachedLucerneaboutteno"clockatnight。
ThefirstdiscoveryImadewasthatthebeautyofthelakehadnotbeenexaggerated。WithinadayortwoImadeanotherdiscovery。Thiswas，thatthelaudedchamoisisnotawildgoat；thatitisnotahornedanimal；
thatitisnotshy；thatitdoesnotavoidhumansociety；
andthatthereisnoperilinhuntingit。Thechamoisisablackorbrowncreaturenobiggerthanamustardseed；
youdonothavetogoafterit，itcomesafteryou；
itarrivesinvastherdsandskipsandscampersalloveryourbody，insideyourclothes；thusitisnotshy，butextremelysociable；itisnotafraidofman，onthecontrary，itwillattackhim；itsbiteisnotdangerous，butneitherisitpleasant；itsactivityhasnotbeenoverstated——ifyoutrytoputyourfingeronit，itwillskipathousandtimesitsownlengthatonejump，andnoeyeissharpenoughtoseewhereitlights。
AgreatdealofromanticnonsensehasbeenwrittenabouttheSwisschamoisandtheperilsofhuntingit，whereasthetruthisthatevenwomenandchildrenhuntit，andfearlessly；indeed，everybodyhuntsit；
thehuntingisgoingonallthetime，dayandnight，inbedandoutofit。Itispoeticfoolishnesstohuntitwithagun；veryfewpeopledothat；thereisnotonemaninamillionwhocanhititwithagun。
Itismucheasiertocatchitthatitistoshootit，andonlytheexperiencedchamois-huntercandoeither。
Anothercommonpieceofexaggerationisthataboutthe"scarcity"ofthechamois。Itisthereverseofscarce。
DrovesofonehundredmillionchamoisarenotunusualintheSwisshotels。Indeed，theyaresonumerousastobeagreatpest。Theromancersalwaysdressupthechamois-hunterinafancifulandpicturesquecostume，whereasthebestwaytohutthisgameistodoitwithoutanycostumeatall。Thearticleofcommercecalledchamois-skinisanotherfraud；nobodycouldskinachamois，itistoosmall。Thecreatureisahumbugineveryway，andeverythingwhichhasbeenwrittenaboutitissentimentalexaggeration。Itwasnopleasuretometofindthechamoisout，forhehadbeenoneofmypetillusions；
allmylifeithadbeenmydreamtoseehiminhisnativewildssomeday，andengageintheadventuroussportofchasinghimfromclifftocliff。Itisnopleasuretometoexposehim，now，anddestroythereader"sdelightinhimandrespectforhim，butstillitmustbedone，forwhenanhonestwriterdiscoversanimpositionitishissimpledutytostripitbareandhurlitdownfromitsplaceofhonor，nomatterwhosuffersbyit；
anyothercoursewouldrenderhimunworthyofthepublicconfidence。
Lucerneisacharmingplace。Itbeginsatthewater"sedge，withafringeofhotels，andscramblesupandspreadsitselfovertwoorthreesharphillsinacrowded，disorderly，butpicturesqueway，offeringtotheeyeaheaped-upconfusionofredroofs，quaintgables，dormerwindows，toothpicksteeples，withhereandthereabitofancientembattledwallbendingitselfovertheridges，worm-fashion，andhereandthereanoldsquaretowerofheavymasonry。Andalsohereandthereatownclockwithonlyonehand——ahandwhichstretchesacrossthedialandhasnojointinit；suchaclockhelpsoutthepicture，butyoucannottellthetimeofdaybyit。
Betweenthecurvinglineofhotelsandthelakeisabroadavenuewithlampsandadoublerankoflowshadetrees。
Thelake-frontiswalledwithmasonrylikeapier，andhasarailing，tokeeppeoplefromwalkingoverboard。
Alldaylongthevehiclesdashalongtheavenue，andnurses，children，andtouristssitintheshadeofthetrees，orleanontherailingandwatchtheschoolsoffishesdartingaboutintheclearwater，orgazeoutoverthelakeatthestatelyborderofsnow-hoodedmountainspeaks。
Littlepleasuresteamers，blackwithpeople，arecomingandgoingallthetime；andeverywhereoneseesyounggirlsandyoungmenpaddlingaboutinfancifulrowboats，orskimmingalongbythehelpofsailswhenthereisanywind。
Thefrontroomsofthehotelshavelittlerailedbalconies，whereonemaytakehisprivateluncheonincalm，coolcomfortandlookdownuponthisbusyandprettysceneandenjoyitwithouthavingtodoanyoftheworkconnectedwithit。
Mostofthepeople，bothmaleandfemale，areinwalkingcostume，andcarryalpenstocks。Evidently，itisnotconsideredsafetogoaboutinSwitzerland，evenintown，withoutanalpenstock。Ifthetouristforgetsandcomesdowntobreakfastwithouthisalpenstockhegoesbackandgetsit，andstandsitupinthecorner。
WhenhistouringinSwitzerlandisfinished，hedoesnotthrowthatbroomstickaway，butlugsithomewithhim，tothefarcornersoftheearth，althoughthiscostshimmoretroubleandbotherthanababyoracouriercould。
Yousee，thealpenstockishistrophy；hisnameisburneduponit；andifhehasclimbedahill，orjumpedabrook，ortraversedabrickyardwithit，hehasthenamesofthoseplacesburneduponit，too。
Thusitishisregimentalflag，sotospeak，andbearstherecordofhisachievements。Itisworththreefrancswhenhebuysit，butabonanzacouldnotpurchaseitafterhisgreatdeedshavebeeninscribeduponit。
ThereareartisansallaboutSwitzerlandwhosetradeitistoburnthesethingsuponthealpenstockofthetourist。
Andobserve，amanisrespectedinSwitzerlandaccordingtohisalpenstock。IfoundIcouldgetnoattentionthere，whileIcarriedanunbrandedone。However，brandingisnotexpected，soIsoonremediedthat。Theeffectuponthenextdetachmentoftouristswasverymarked。
Ifeltrepaidformytrouble。
HalfofthesummerhordeinSwitzerlandismadeupofEnglishpeople；theotherhalfismadeupofmanynationalities，theGermansleadingandtheAmericanscomingnext。
TheAmericanswerenotasnumerousasIhadexpectedtheywouldbe。
Theseven-thirtytabled"ho^teatthegreatSchweitzerhoffurnishedamightyarrayandvarietyofnationalities，butitofferedabetteropportunitytoobservecostumesthanpeople，forthemultitudesatatimmenselylongtables，andthereforethefacesweremainlyseeninperspective；
butthebreakfastswereservedatsmallroundtables，andthenifonehadthefortunetogetatableinthemidstoftheassemblagehecouldhaveasmanyfacestostudyashecoulddesire。Weusedtotrytoguessoutthenationalities，andgenerallysucceededtolerablywell。
Sometimeswetriedtoguesspeople"snames；butthatwasafailure；thatisathingwhichprobablyrequiresagooddealofpractice。Wepresentlydroppeditandgaveoureffortstolessdifficultparticulars。OnemorningI
said:
"ThereisanAmericanparty。"
Harrissaid:
"Yes——butnamethestate。"
Inamedonestate，Harrisnamedanother。Weagreedupononething，however——thattheyounggirlwiththepartywasverybeautiful，andverytastefullydressed。
Butwedisagreedastoherage。Isaidshewaseighteen，Harrissaidshewastwenty。Thedisputebetweenuswaxedwarm，andIfinallysaid，withapretenseofbeinginearnest:
"Well，thereisonewaytosettlethematter——Iwillgoandaskher。"
Harrissaid，sarcastically，"Certainly，thatisthethingtodo。Allyouneedtodoistousethecommonformulaoverhere:goandsay，"I"manAmerican!"Ofcourseshewillbegladtoseeyou。"
Thenhehintedthatperhapstherewasnogreatdangerofmyventuringtospeaktoher。
Isaid，"Iwasonlytalking——Ididn"tintendtoapproachher，butIseethatyoudonotknowwhatanintrepidpersonIam。Iamnotafraidofanywomanthatwalks。
Iwillgoandspeaktothisyounggirl。"
ThethingIhadinmymindwasnotdifficult。
Imeanttoaddressherinthemostrespectfulwayandaskhertopardonmeifherstrongresemblancetoaformeracquaintanceofminewasdeceivingme；andwhensheshouldreplythatthenameImentionedwasnotthenameshebore，Imeanttobegpardonagain，mostrespectfully，andretire。
Therewouldbenoharmdone。Iwalkedtohertable，bowedtothegentleman，thenturnedtoherandwasabouttobeginmylittlespeechwhensheexclaimed:
"IKNEWIwasn"tmistaken——ItoldJohnitwasyou!
Johnsaiditprobablywasn"t，butIknewIwasright。
Isaidyouwouldrecognizemepresentlyandcomeover；
andI"mgladyoudid，forIshouldn"thavefeltmuchflatteredifyouhadgoneoutofthisroomwithoutrecognizingme。
Sitdown，sitdown——howodditis——youarethelastpersonI
waseverexpectingtoseeagain。"
Thiswasastupefyingsurprise。Ittookmywitsclearaway，foraninstant。However，weshookhandscordiallyallaround，andIsatdown。ButtrulythiswasthetightestplaceIeverwasin。Iseemedtovaguelyrememberthegirl"sface，now，butIhadnoideawhereI
hadseenitbefore，orwhatnamedbelongedwithit。
IimmediatelytriedtogetupadiversionaboutSwissscenery，tokeepherfromlaunchingintotopicsthatmightbetraythatIdidnotknowher，butitwasofnouse，shewentrightalonguponmatterswhichinterestedhermore:
"Ohdear，whatanightthatwas，whentheseawashedtheforwardboatsaway——doyourememberit?"
"Oh，DON"TI!"saidI——butIdidn"t。Iwishedtheseahadwashedtherudderandthesmoke-stackandthecaptainaway——thenIcouldhavelocatedthisquestioner。
"Anddon"tyourememberhowfrightenedpoorMarywas，andhowshecried?"
"IndeedIdo!"saidI。"Dearme，howitallcomesback!"
IferventlywisheditWOULDcomeback——butmymemorywasablank。Thewisewaywouldhavebeentofranklyownup；
butIcouldnotbringmyselftodothat，aftertheyounggirlhadpraisedmesoforrecognizingher；soIwenton，deeperanddeeperintothemire，hopingforachancecluebutnevergettingone。TheUnrecognizablecontinued，withvivacity:
"Doyouknow，GeorgemarriedMary，afterall?"
"Why，no!Didhe?"
"Indeedhedid。Hesaidhedidnotbelieveshewashalfasmuchtoblameasherfatherwas，andIthoughthewasright。Didn"tyou?"
"Ofcoursehewas。Itwasaperfectlyplaincase。
Ialwayssaidso。"
"Why，noyoudidn"t!——atleastthatsummer。"
"Oh，no，notthatsummer。No，youareperfectlyrightaboutthat。ItwasthefollowingwinterthatIsaidit。"
"Well，asitturnedout，Marywasnotintheleasttoblame——itwasallherfather"sfault——atleasthisandoldDarley"s。"
Itwasnecessarytosaysomething——soIsaid:
"IalwaysregardedDarleyasatroublesomeoldthing。"
"Sohewas，butthentheyalwayshadagreataffectionforhim，althoughhehadsomanyeccentricities。
Yourememberthatwhentheweatherwastheleastcold，hewouldtrytocomeintothehouse。"
Iwasratherafraidtoproceed。EvidentlyDarleywanotaman——hemustbesomeotherkindofanimal——possiblyadog，maybeanelephant。However，tailsarecommontoallanimals，soIventuredtosay:
"Andwhatatailhehad!"
"ONE!Hehadathousand!"
Thiswasbewildering。Ididnotquiteknowwhattosay，soIonlysaid:
"Yes，heWASratherwellfixedinthematteroftails。"
"Foranegro，andacrazyoneatthat，Ishouldsayhewas，"
saidshe。
Itwasgettingprettysultryforme。Isaidtomyself，"Isitpossiblesheisgoingtostopthere，andwaitformetospeak?Ifshedoes，theconversationisblocked。
Anegrowithathousandtailsisatopicwhichapersoncannottalkuponfluentlyandinstructivelywithoutmoreorlesspreparation。Astodivingrashlyintosuchavastsubject——"
Buthere，tomygratitude，sheinterruptedmythoughtsbysaying:
"Yes，whenitcametotalesofhiscrazywoes，therewassimplynoendtothemifanybodywouldlisten。Hisownquarterswerecomfortableenough，butwhentheweatherwascold，thefamilyweresuretohavehiscompany——nothingcouldkeephimoutofthehouse。ButtheyalwaysboreitkindlybecausehehadsavedTom"slife，yearsbefore。
YourememberTom?
"Oh，perfectly。Finefellowhewas，too。"
"Yeshewas。Andwhataprettylittlethinghischildwas!"
"Youmaywellsaythat。Ineversawaprettierchild。"
"Iusedtodelighttopetitanddandleitandplaywithit。"
"SodidI。"
"Younamedit。WhatWASthatname?Ican"tcallittomind。"
Itappearedtomethattheicewasgettingprettythin，here。Iwouldhavegivensomethingtoknowwhatthechild"swas。However，Ihadthegoodlucktothinkofanamethatwouldfiteithersex——soIbroughtitout:
"InameditFrances。"
"Fromarelative，Isuppose?Butyounamedtheonethatdied，too——onethatIneversaw。Whatdidyoucallthatone?"
Iwasoutofneutralnames，butasthechildwasdeadandshehadneverseenit，IthoughtImightriskanameforitandtrusttoluck。ThereforeIsaid:
"IcalledthatoneThomasHenry。"
Shesaid，musingly:
"Thatisverysingular……verysingular。"
Isatstillandletthecoldsweatrundown。Iwasinagooddealoftrouble，butIbelievedIcouldworrythroughifshewouldn"taskmetonameanymorechildren。
Iwonderedwherethelightningwasgoingtostrikenext。
Shewasstillruminatingoverthatlastchild"stitle，butpresentlyshesaid:
"Ihavealwaysbeensorryyouwereawayatthetime——I
wouldhavehadyounamemychild。"
"YOURchild!Areyoumarried?"
"Ihavebeenmarriedthirteenyears。"
"Christened，youmean。"
`"No，married。Theyouthbyyoursideismyson。"
"Itseemsincredible——evenimpossible。Idonotmeananyharmbyit，butwouldyoumindtellingmeifyouareanyovereighteen?——thatistosay，willyoutellmehowoldyouare?"
"Iwasjustnineteenthedayofthestormweweretalkingabout。Thatwasmybirthday。"
Thatdidnothelpmatters，much，asIdidnotknowthedateofthestorm。Itriedtothinkofsomenon-committalthingtosay，tokeepupmyendofthetalk，andrendermypovertyinthematterofreminiscencesaslittlenoticeableaspossible，butIseemedtobeaboutoutofnon-committalthings。Iwasabouttosay，"Youhaven"tchangedabitsincethen"——butthatwasrisky。
Ithoughtofsaying，"Youhaveimprovedeversomuchsincethen"——butthatwouldn"tanswer，ofcourse。
Iwasabouttotryashyattheweather，forasavingchange，whenthegirlslippedinaheadofmeandsaid:
"HowIhaveenjoyedthistalkoverthosehappyoldtimes——
haven"tyou?"
"Ineverhavespentsuchahalf-hourinallmylifebefore!"
saidI，withemotion；andIcouldhaveadded，withanearapproachtotruth，"andIwouldratherbescalpedthanspendanotheronelikeit。"Iwasholilygratefultobethroughwiththeordeal，andwasabouttomakemygood-bysandgetout，whenthegirlsaid:
"Butthereisonethingthatiseversopuzzlingtome。"
"Why，whatisthat?"
"Thatdeadchild"sname。Whatdidyousayitwas?"
Herewasanotherbalmyplacetobein:Ihadforgottenthechild"sname；Ihadn"timagineditwouldbeneededagain。
However，Ihadtopretendtoknow，anyway，soIsaid:
"JosephWilliam。"
Theyouthatmysidecorrectedme，andsaid:
"No，ThomasHenry。"
Ithankedhim——inwords——andsaid，withtrepidation:
"Oyes——IwasthinkingofanotherchildthatInamed——I
havenamedagreatmany，andIgetthemconfused——thisonewasnamedHenryThompson——"
"ThomasHenry，"calmlyinterposedtheboy。
Ithankedhimagain——strictlyinwords——andstammeredout:
"ThomasHenry——yes，ThomasHenrywasthepoorchild"sname。
InamedhimforThomas——er——ThomasCarlyle，thegreatauthor，youknow——andHenry——er——er——HenrytheEight。TheparentswereverygratefultohaveachildnamedThomasHenry。"
"Thatmakesitmoresingularthanever，"murmuredmybeautifulfriend。
"Doesit?Why?"
"Becausewhentheparentsspeakofthatchildnow，theyalwayscallitSusanAmelia。"
Thatspikedmygun。Icouldnotsayanything。Iwasentirelyoutofverbalobliquities；togofurtherwouldbetolie，andthatIwouldnotdo；soIsimplysatstillandsuffered——satmutelyandresignedlythere，andsizzled——forI
wasbeingslowlyfriedtodeathinmyownblushes。
Presentlytheenemylaughedahappylaughandsaid:
"IHAVEenjoyedthistalkoveroldtimes，butyouhavenot。
Isawverysoonthatyouwereonlypretendingtoknowme，andsoasIhadwastedacomplimentonyouinthebeginning，Imadeupmymindtopunishyou。AndIhavesucceededprettywell。IwasgladtoseethatyouknewGeorgeandTomandDarley，forIhadneverheardofthembeforeandthereforecouldnotbesurethatyouhad；andIwasgladtolearnthenamesofthoseimaginarychildren，too。Onecangetquiteafundofinformationoutofyouifonegoesatitcleverly。Maryandthestorm，andthesweepingawayoftheforwardboats，werefacts——alltherestwasfiction。
Marywasmysister；herfullnamewasMary。NOW
doyourememberme?"
"Yes，"Isaid，"Idorememberyounow；andyouareashard-headedasyouwerethirteenyearsagointhatship，elseyouwouldn"thavepunishedmeso。Youhaven"tchangeyournaturenoryourperson，inanywayatall；
youlookasyoungasyoudidthen，youarejustasbeautifulasyouwerethen，andyouhavetransmittedadealofyourcomelinesstothisfineboy。There——ifthatspeechmovesyouany，let"sflytheflagoftruce，withtheunderstandingthatIamconqueredandconfessit。"
Allofwhichwasagreedtoandaccomplished，onthespot。
WhenIwentbacktoHarris，Isaid:
"Nowyouseewhatapersonwithtalentandaddresscando。"
"Excuseme，Iseewhatapersonofcolossalignoranceandsimplicitycando。Theideaofyourgoingandintrudingonapartyofstrangers，thatway，andtalkingforhalfanhour；whyIneverheardofamaninhisrightminddoingsuchathingbefore。Whatdidyousaytothem?"
Ineversaidanyharm。Imerelyaskedthegirlwhathernamewas。"
"Idon"tdoubtit。UponmywordIdon"t。Ithinkyouwerecapableofit。Itwasstupidinmetoletyougooverthereandmakesuchanexhibitionofyourself。
ButyouknowIcouldn"treallybelieveyouwoulddosuchaninexcusablething。Whatwillthosepeoplethinkofus?Buthowdidyousayit?——Imeanthemannerofit。
Ihopeyouwerenotabrupt。"
"No，Iwascarefulaboutthat。Isaid，"MyfriendandI
wouldliketoknowwhatyournameis，ifyoudon"tmind。""
"No，thatwasnotabrupt。Thereisapolishaboutitthatdoesyouinfinitecredit。AndIamgladyouputmein；
thatwasadelicateattentionwhichIappreciateatitsfullvalue。Whatdidshedo?"
"Shedidn"tdoanythinginparticular。Shetoldmehername。"
"Simplytoldyouhername。Doyoumeantosayshedidnotshowanysurprise?"
"Well，nowIcometothink，shedidshowsomething；
maybeitwassurprise；Ihadn"tthoughtofthat——Itookitforgratification。"
"Oh，undoubtedlyyouwereright；itmusthavebeengratification；
itcouldnotbeotherwisethangratifyingtobeassaultedbyastrangerwithsuchaquestionasthat。Thenwhatdidyoudo?"
"Iofferedmyhandandthepartygavemeashake。"
"Isawit!Ididnotbelievemyowneyes，atthetime。
Didthegentlemansayanythingaboutcuttingyourthroat?"
"No，theyallseemedgladtoseeme，asfarasIcouldjudge。"
"Anddoyouknow，Ibelievetheywere。Ithinktheysaidtothemselves，"Doubtlessthiscuriosityhasgotawayfromhiskeeper——letusamuseourselveswithhim。"Thereisnootherwayofaccountingfortheirfaciledocility。
Yousatdown。DidtheyASKyoutositdown?"
"No，theydidnotaskme，butIsupposetheydidnotthinkofit。"
"Youhaveanunerringinstinct。Whatelsedidyoudo?
Whatdidyoutalkabout?"
"Well，Iaskedthegirlhowoldshewas。"
"UNdoubtedly。Yourdelicacyisbeyondpraise。Goon，goon——don"tmindmyapparentmisery——IalwayslooksowhenIamsteepedinaprofoundandreverentjoy。
Goon——shetoldyouherage?"
"Yes，shetoldmeherage，andallabouthermother，andhergrandmother，andherotherrelations，andallaboutherself。"
"Didshevolunteerthesestatistics?"
"No，notexactlythat。Iaskedthequestionsandsheansweredthem。"
"Thisisdivine。Goon——itisnotpossiblethatyouforgottoinquireintoherpolitics?"
"No，Ithoughtofthat。Sheisademocrat，herhusbandisarepublican，andbothofthemareBaptists。"
"Herhusband?Isthatchildmarried?"
"Sheisnotachild。Sheismarried，andthatisherhusbandwhoistherewithher。"
"Hassheanychildren。"
"Yes——sevenandahalf。"
"Thatisimpossible。"
"No，shehasthem。Shetoldmeherself。"
"Well，butsevenandaHALF?Howdoyoumakeoutthehalf?
Wheredoesthehalfcomein?"
"Thereisachildwhichshehadbyanotherhusband——
notthisonebutanotherone——soitisastepchild，andtheydonotcountinfullmeasure。"
"Anotherhusband?Hassheanotherhusband?"
"Yes，four。Thisoneisnumberfour。"
"Idon"tbelieveawordofit。Itisimpossible，uponitsface。Isthatboythereherbrother?"
"No，thatisherson。Heisheryoungest。Heisnotasoldashelooked；heisonlyelevenandahalf。"
"Thesethingsareallmanifestlyimpossible。Thisisawretchedbusiness。Itisaplaincase:theysimplytookyourmeasure，andconcludedtofillyouup。Theyseemtohavesucceeded。IamgladIamnotinthemess；
theymayatleastbecharitableenoughtothinkthereain"tapairofus。Aretheygoingtostayherelong?"
"No，theyleavebeforenoon。"
"Thereisonemanwhoisdeeplygratefulforthat。
Howdidyoufindout?Youasked，Isuppose?"
"No，alongatfirstIinquiredintotheirplans，inageneralway，andtheysaidtheyweregoingtobehereaweek，andmaketripsroundabout；buttowardtheendoftheinterview，whenIsaidyouandIwouldtouraroundwiththemwithpleasure，andofferedtobringyouoverandintroduceyou，theyhesitatedalittle，andaskedifyouwerefromthesameestablishmentthatIwas。
Isaidyouwere，andthentheysaidtheyhadchangedtheirmindandconsidereditnecessarytostartatonceandvisitasickrelativeinSiberia。"
"Ah，me，youstruckthesummit!Youstrucktheloftiestaltitudeofstupiditythathumanefforthaseverreached。
Youshallhaveamonumentofjackasses"skullsashighastheStrasburgspireifyoudiebeforeIdo。
TheywantedtoknowIwasfromthesame"establishment"
thatyouhailedfrom，didthey?Whatdidtheymeanby"establishment"?"
"Idon"tknow；itneveroccurredtometoask。"
"Well_I_know。theymeantanasylum——anIDIOTasylum，doyouunderstand?SotheyDOthinkthere"sapairofus，afterall。Nowwhatdoyouthinkofyourself?"
"Well，Idon"tknow。Ididn"tknowIwasdoinganyharm；
Ididn"tMEANtodoanyharm。Theywereverynicepeople，andtheyseemedtolikeme。"
Harrismadesomeruderemarksandleftforhisbedroom——
tobreaksomefurniture，hesaid。Hewasasingularlyirascibleman；anylittlethingwoulddisturbhistemper。
Ihadbeenwellscorchedbytheyoungwoman，butnomatter，ItookitoutonHarris。Oneshouldalways"geteven"
insomeway，elsethesoreplacewillgoonhurting。
CHAPTERXXVI
[TheNestoftheCuckoo-clock]
TheHofkircheiscelebratedforitsorganconcerts。
Allsummerlongthetouristsflocktothatchurchaboutsixo"clockintheevening，andpaytheirfranc，andlistentothenoise。Theydon"tstaytohearallofit，butgetupandtrampoutoverthesoundingstonefloor，meetinglatecomerswhotrampininasoundingandvigorousway。
Thistrampingbackandforthiskeptupnearlyallthetime，andisaccentedbythecontinuousslammingofthedoor，andthecoughingandbarkingandsneezingofthecrowd。
Meantime，thebigorganisboomingandcrashingandthunderingaway，doingitsbesttoprovethatitisthebiggestandbestorganinEurope，andthatatightlittleboxofachurchisthemostfavorableplacetoaverageandappreciateitspowersin。Itistrue，thereweresomesoftandmercifulpassagesoccasionally，butthetramp-trampofthetouristsonlyallowedonetogetfitfulglimpsesofthem，sotospeak。Thenrightawaytheorganistwouldletgoanotheravalanche。
ThecommerceofLucerneconsistsmainlyingimcrackeryofthesouvenirsort；theshopsarepackedwithAlpinecrystals，photographsofscenery，andwoodenandivorycarvings。
IwillnotconcealthefactthatminiaturefiguresoftheLionofLucernearetobehadinthem。Millionsofthem。
Buttheyarelibelsuponhim，everyoneofthem。
Thereisasubtlesomethingaboutthemajesticpathosoftheoriginalwhichthecopyistcannotget。Eventhesunfailstogetit；boththephotographerandthecarvergiveyouadyinglion，andthatisall。Theshapeisright，theattitudeisright，theproportionsareright，butthatindescribablesomethingwhichmakestheLionofLucernethemostmournfulandmovingpieceofstoneintheworld，iswanting。
TheLionliesinhislairintheperpendicularfaceofalowcliff——forheiscarvedfromthelivingrockofthecliff。
Hissizeiscolossal，hisattitudeisnoble。Howheadisbowed，thebrokenspearisstickinginhisshoulder，hisprotectingpawrestsupontheliliesofFrance。
Vineshangdownthecliffandwaveinthewind，andaclearstreamtricklesfromaboveandemptiesintoapondatthebase，andinthesmoothsurfaceofthepondthelionismirrored，amongthewater-lilies。
Aroundaboutaregreentreesandgrass。Theplaceisasheltered，reposefulwoodlandnook，remotefromnoiseandstirandconfusion——andallthisisfitting，forlionsdodieinsuchplaces，andnotongranitepedestalsinpublicsquaresfencedwithfancyironrailings。
TheLionofLucernewouldbeimpressiveanywhere，butnowheresoimpressiveaswhereheis。
Martyrdomistheluckiestfatethatcanbefallsomepeople。
LouisXVIdidnotdieinhisbed，consequentlyhistoryisverygentlewithhim；sheischaritabletowardhisfailings，andshefindsinhimhighvirtueswhicharenotusuallyconsideredtobevirtueswhentheyarelodgedinkings。
Shemakeshimouttobeapersonwithameekandmodestspirit，theheartofafemalesaint，andawronghead。
Noneofthesequalitiesarekinglybutthelast。
Takentogethertheymakeacharacterwhichwouldhavefaredharshlyatthehandsofhistoryifitsownerhadhadtheilllucktomissmartyrdom。Withthebestintentionstodotherightthing，healwaysmanagedtodothewrongone。
Moreover，nothingcouldgetthefemalesaintoutofhim。
Heknew，wellenough，thatinnationalemergencieshemustnotconsiderhowheoughttoact，asaman，buthowheoughttoactasaking；sohehonestlytriedtosinkthemanandbetheking——butitwasafailure，heonlysucceededinbeingthefemalesaint。Hewasnotinstantinseason，butoutofseason。Hecouldnotbepersuadedtodoathingwhileitcoulddoanygood——hewasiron，hewasadamantinhisstubbornnessthen——butassoonasthethinghadreachedapointwhereitwouldbepositivelyharmfultodoit，doithewould，andnothingcouldstophim。Hedidnotdoitbecauseitwouldbeharmful，butbecausehehopeditwasnotyettoolatetoachievebyitthegoodwhichitwouldhavedoneifappliedearlier。
Hiscomprehensionwasalwaysatrainortwobehindhand。
Ifanationaltoerequiredamputating，hecouldnotseethatitneededanythingmorethanpoulticing；whenotherssawthatthemortificationhadreachedtheknee，hefirstperceivedthatthetoeneededcuttingoff——sohecutitoff；
andheseveredthelegatthekneewhenotherssawthatthediseasehadreachedthethigh。Hewasgood，andhonest，andwellmeaning，inthematterofchasingnationaldiseases，buthenevercouldovertakeone。Asaprivateman，hewouldhavebeenlovable；butviewedasaking，hewasstrictlycontemptible。
Hiswasamostunroyalcareer，butthemostpitiablespectacleinitwashissentimentaltreacherytohisSwissguardonthatmemorable10thofAugust，whenheallowedthoseheroestobemassacredinhiscause，andforbadethemtoshedthe"sacredFrenchblood"
purportingtobeflowingintheveinsofthered-cappedmobofmiscreantsthatwasragingaroundthepalace。
Hemeanttobekingly，buthewasonlythefemalesaintoncemore。SomeofhisbiographersthinkthatuponthisoccasionthespiritofSaintLouishaddescendeduponhim。
Itmusthavefoundprettycrampedquarters。IfNapoleontheFirsthadstoodintheshoesofLouisXVIthatday，insteadofbeingmerelyacasualandunknownlooker-on，therewouldbenoLionofLucerne，now，buttherewouldbeawell-stockedCommunistgraveyardinPariswhichwouldanswerjustaswelltorememberthe10thofAugustby。
MartyrdommadeasaintofMaryQueenofScotsthreehundredyearsago，andshehashardlylostallofhersaintshipyet。MartyrdommadeasaintofthetrivialandfoolishMarieAntoinette，andherbiographersstillkeepherfragrantwiththeodorofsanctitytothisday，whileunconsciouslyprovinguponalmosteverypagetheywritethattheonlycalamitousinstinctwhichherhusbandlacked，shesupplied——theinstincttorootoutandgetridofanhonest，able，andloyalofficial，wherevershefoundhim。
ThehideousbutbeneficentFrenchRevolutionwouldhavebeendeferred，orwouldhavefallenshortofcompleteness，orevenmightnothavehappenedatall，ifMarieAntoinettehadmadetheunwisemistakeofnotbeingborn。
TheworldowesagreatdealtotheFrenchRevolution，andconsequentlytoitstwochiefpromoters，LouisthePoorinSpiritandhisqueen。
WedidnotbuyanywoodenimagesoftheLion，noranyivoryorebonyormarbleorchalkorsugarorchocolateones，orevenanyphotographicslandersofhim。Thetruthis，thesecopiesweresocommon，souniversal，intheshopsandeverywhere，thattheypresentlybecameasintolerabletotheweariedeyeasthelatestpopularmelodyusuallybecomestotheharassedear。InLucerne，too，thewoodcarvingsofothersorts，whichhadbeensopleasanttolookuponwhenonesawthemoccasionallyathome，soonbegantofatigueus。Wegrewverytiredofseeingwoodenquailsandchickenspickingandstrutingaroundclock-faces，andstillmoretiredofseeingwoodenimagesoftheallegedchamoisskippingaboutwoodenrocks，orlyingupontheminfamilygroups，orpeeringalertlyupfrombehindthem。
Thefirstday，IwouldhaveboughtahundredandfiftyoftheseclocksifIhadthemoney——andIdidbuythree——
butonthethirddaythediseasehadrunitscourse，Ihadconvalesced，andwasinthemarketoncemore——tryingtosell。However，Ihadnoluck；whichwasjustaswell，forthethingswillbeprettyenough，nodoubt，whenIgetthemhome。
Foryearsmypetaversionhadbeenthecuckooclock；
nowhereIwas，atlast，rightinthecreature"shome；
sowhereverIwentthatdistressing"HOO"hoo!HOO"hoo!
HOO"hoo!"wasalwaysinmyears。Foranervousman，thiswasafinestateofthings。Somesoundsarehatefulerthanothers，butnosoundisquitesoinane，andsilly，andaggravatingasthe"HOO"hoo"ofacuckooclock，Ithink。
Iboughtone，andamcarryingithometoacertainperson；
forIhavealwayssaidthatiftheopportunityeverhappened，Iwoulddothatmananillturn。WhatImeant，was，thatI
wouldbreakoneofhislegs，orsomethingofthatsort；
butinLucerneIinstantlysawthatIcouldimpairhismind。
Thatwouldbemorelasting，andmoresatisfactoryeveryway。
SoIboughtthecuckooclock；andifIevergethomewithit，heis"mymeat，"astheysayinthemines。
Ithoughtofanothercandidate——abook-reviewerwhomIcouldnameifIwantedto——butafterthinkingitover，Ididn"tbuyhimaclock。Icouldn"tinjurehismind。
Wevisitedthetwolong，coveredwoodenbridgeswhichspanthegreenandbrilliantReussjustbelowwhereitgoesplungingandhurrahingoutofthelake。Theserambling，sway-backedtunnelsareveryattractivethings，withtheiralcovedoutlooksuponthelovelyandinspiritingwater。
Theycontaintwoorthreehundredqueeroldpictures，byoldSwissmasters——oldbosssign-painters，whoflourishedbeforethedecadenceofart。
Thelakeisalivewithfishes，plainlyvisibletotheeye，forthewaterisveryclear。Theparapetsinfrontofthehotelswereusuallyfringedwithfishersofallages。
OnedayIthoughtIwouldstopandseeafishcaught。
Theresultbroughtbacktomymind，veryforcibly，acircumstancewhichIhadnotthoughtofbeforefortwelveyears。Thisone:
THEMANWHOPUTUPATGADSBY"S
WhenmyoddfriendRileyandIwerenewspapercorrespondentsinWashington，inthewinterof"67，wewerecomingdownPennsylvaniaAvenueonenight，nearmidnight，inadrivingstormofsnow，whentheflashofastreet-lampfelluponamanwhowaseagerlytearingalongintheoppositedirection。
Thisislucky!YouareMr。Riley，ain"tyou?"
Rileywasthemostself-possessedandsolemnlydeliberatepersonintherepublic。Hestopped，lookedhismanoverfromheadtofoot，andfinallysaid:
"IamMr。Riley。Didyouhappentobelookingforme?"
"That"sjustwhatIwasdoing，"saidtheman，joyously，"andit"sthebiggestluckintheworldthatI"vefoundyou。