第10章

Richoldfarmer，namedHuss。Hasinheritedgreatwealthofmanure，andbydiligencehasaddedtoit。Itisdouble-starredinBaedeker。[1]TheBlackforestartistpaintsit——hismasterpiece。Thekingcomestoseeit。

GretchenHuss，daughterandheiress。PaulHoch，youngneighbor，suitorforGretchen"shand——ostensibly；

hereallywantsthemanure。Hochhasagoodmanycart-loadsoftheBlackForestcurrencyhimself，andthereforeisagoodcatch；butheissordid，mean，andwithoutsentiment，whereasGretchenisallsentimentandpoetry。

HansSchmidt，youngneighbor，fullofsentiment，fullofpoetry，lovesGretchen，Gretchenloveshim。

Buthehasnomanure。OldHussforbidshiminthehouse。

Hisheartbreaks，hegoesawaytodieinthewoods，farfromthecruelworld——forhesays，bitterly，"Whatisman，withoutmanure?"

1。WhenBaedeker"sguide-booksmentionathingandputtwostars(**)afterit，itmeanswellworthvisiting。

M。T。

[Intervalofsixmonths。]

PaulHochcomestooldHussandsays，"Iamatlastasrichasyourequired——comeandviewthepile。"

OldHussviewsitandsays，"Itissufficient——takeherandbehappy，"——meaningGretchen。

[Intervaloftwoweeks。]

WeddingpartyassembledinoldHuss"sdrawing-room。Hochplacidandcontent，Gretchenweepingoverherhardfate。

EnteroldHuss"sheadbookkeeper。Husssaysfiercely，"Igaveyouthreeweekstofindoutwhyyourbooksdon"tbalance，andtoprovethatyouarenotadefaulter；

thetimeisup——findmethemissingpropertyoryougotoprisonasathief。"Bookkeeper:"Ihavefoundit。"

"Where?"Bookkeeper(sternly——tragically):"Inthebridegroom"spile!——beholdthethief——seehimblenchandtremble!"

[Sensation。]PaulHoch:Lost，lost!"——fallsoverthecowinaswoonandishandcuffed。Gretchen:"Saved!"Fallsoverthecalfinaswoonofjoy，butiscaughtinthearmsofHansSchmidt，whospringsinatthatmoment。OldHuss:

"What，youhere，varlet?Unhandthemaidandquittheplace。"

Hans(stillsupportingtheinsensiblegirl):"Never!Crueloldman，knowthatIcomewithclaimswhichevenyoucannotdespise。"

Huss:"What，YOU?namethem。"

Hans:"Listenthen。Theworldhasforsakenme，Iforsooktheworld，Iwanderedinthesolitudeoftheforest，longingfordeathbutfindingnone。Ifeduponroots，andinmybitternessIdugforthebitterest，loathingthesweeterkind。Digging，threedaysagone，Istruckamanuremine!——aGolconda，alimitlessBonanza，ofsolidmanure!IcanbuyyouALL，andhavemountainrangesofmanureleft!Ha-ha，NOWthousmilestasmile!"

[Immensesensation。]Exhibitionofspecimensfromthemine。

OldHuss(enthusiastically):"Wakeherup，shakeherup，nobleyoungman，sheisyours!"Weddingtakesplaceonthespot；bookkeeperrestoredtohisofficeandemoluments；

PaulHochledofftojail。TheBonanzakingoftheBlackForestlivestoagoodoldage，blessedwiththeloveofhiswifeandofhistwenty-sevenchildren，andthestillsweeterenvyofeverybodyaround。

WetookournoonmealoffriedtroutonedayatthePlowInn，inaveryprettyvillage(Ottenho"fen)，andthenwentintothepublicroomtorestandsmoke。TherewefoundnineortenBlackForestgrandeesassembledaroundatable。

TheyweretheCommonCounciloftheparish。Theyhadgatheredthereateighto"clockthatmorningtoelectanewmember，andtheyhadnowbeendrinkingbeerfourhoursatthenewmember"sexpense。Theyweremenoffiftyorsixtyyearsofage，withgravegood-naturesfaces，andwerealldressedinthecostumemadefamiliartousbytheBlackForeststories；broad，round-toppedblackfelthatswiththebrimscurledupallround；longredwaistcoatswithlargemetalbuttons，blackalpacacoatswiththewaistsupbetweentheshoulders。Therewerenospeeches，therewasbutlittletalk，therewerenofrivolities；

theCouncilfilledthemselvesgradually，steadily，butsurely，withbeer，andconductedthemselveswithsedatedecorum，asbecamemenofposition，menofinfluence，menofmanure。

Wehadahotafternoontrampupthevalley，alongthegrassybankofarushingstreamofclearwater，pastfarmhouses，water-mills，andnoendofwaysidecrucifixesandsaintsandVirgins。Thesecrucifixes，etc。，aresetupinmemoryofdepartedfriends，bysurvivors，andarealmostasfrequentastelegraph-polesareinotherlands。

Wefollowedthecarriage-road，andhadourusualluck；

wetraveledunderabeatingsun，andalwayssawtheshadeleavetheshadyplacesbeforewecouldgettothem。

Inallourwanderingsweseldommanagedtostrikeapieceofroadatitstimeforbeingshady。Wehadaparticularlyhottimeofitonthatparticularafternoon，andwithnocomfortbutwhatwecouldgetoutofthefactthatthepeasantsatworkawayuponthesteepmountainsidesaboveourheadswereevenworseoffthanwewere。

Byandbyitbecameimpossibletoenduretheintolerableglareandheatanylonger；sowestruckacrosstheravineandenteredthedeepcooltwilightoftheforest，tohuntforwhattheguide-bookcalledthe"oldroad。"

Wefoundanoldroad，anditprovedeventuallytobetherightone，thoughwefolloweditatthetimewiththeconvictionthatitwasthewrongone。Ifitwasthewrongonetherecouldbenouseinhurrying；thereforewedidnothurry，butsatdownfrequentlyonthesoftmossandenjoyedtherestfulquietandshadeoftheforestsolitudes。

Therehadbeendistractionsinthecarriage-road——

school-children，peasants，wagons，troopsofpedestrianizingstudentsfromalloverGermany——

butwehadtheoldroadtoourselves。

Nowandthen，whilewerested，wewatchedthelaboriousantathiswork。Ifoundnothingnewinhim——certainlynothingtochangemyopinionofhim。Itseemstomethatinthematterofintellecttheantmustbeastrangelyoverratedbird。Duringmanysummers，now，Ihavewatchedhim，whenIoughttohavebeeninbetterbusiness，andIhavenotyetcomeacrossalivingantthatseemedtohaveanymoresensethanadeadone。Irefertotheordinaryant，ofcourse；IhavehadnoexperienceofthosewonderfulSwissandAfricanoneswhichvote，keepdrilledarmies，holdslaves，anddisputeaboutreligion。Thoseparticularantsmaybeallthatthenaturalistpaintsthem，butIampersuadedthattheaverageantisasham。

Iadmithisindustry，ofcourse；heisthehardest-workingcreatureintheworld——whenanybodyislooking——buthisleather-headednessisthepointImakeagainsthim。

Hegoesoutforaging，hemakesacapture，andthenwhatdoeshedo?Gohome?No——hegoesanywherebuthome。

Hedoesn"tknowwherehomeis。Hishomemaybeonlythreefeetaway——nomatter，hecan"tfindit。Hemakeshiscapture，asIhavesaid；itisgenerallysomethingwhichcanbeofnosortofusetohimselforanybodyelse；

itisusuallyseventimesbiggerthanitoughttobe；

hehuntsouttheawkwardestplacetotakeholdofit；

heliftsitbodilyupintheairbymainforce，andstarts；

nottowardhome，butintheoppositedirection；notcalmlyandwisely，butwithafrantichastewhichiswastefulofhisstrength；hefetchesupagainstapebble，andinsteadofgoingaroundit，heclimbsoveritbackwarddragginghisbootyafterhim，tumblesdownontheotherside，jumpsupinapassion，kicksthedustoffhisclothes，moistenshishands，grabshispropertyviciously，yanksitthisway，thenthat，shovesitaheadofhimamoment，turnstailandlugsitafterhimanothermoment，getsmadderandmadder，thenpresentlyhoistsitintotheairandgoestearingawayinanentirelynewdirection；comestoaweed；

itneveroccurstohimtogoaroundit；no，hemustclimbit；

andhedoesclimbit，dragginghisworthlesspropertytothetop——whichisasbrightathingtodoasitwouldbeformetocarryasackofflourfromHeidelbergtoParisbywayofStrasburgsteeple；whenhegetsuptherehefindsthatthatisnottheplace；takesacursoryglanceatthesceneryandeitherclimbsdownagainortumblesdown，andstartsoffoncemore——asusual，inanewdirection。

Attheendofhalfanhour，hefetchesupwithinsixinchesoftheplacehestartedfromandlayshisburdendown；

meantimeheasbeenoverallthegroundfortwoyardsaround，andclimbedalltheweedsandpebbleshecameacross。

Nowhewipesthesweatfromhisbrow，strokeshislimbs，andthenmarchesaimlesslyoff，inasviolentlyahurryasever。Hedoesnotremembertohaveeverseenitbefore；

helooksaroundtoseewhichisnotthewayhome，grabshisbundleandstarts；hegoesthroughthesameadventureshehadbefore；finallystopstorest，andafriendcomesalong。

Evidentlythefriendremarksthatalastyear"sgrasshopperlegisaverynobleacquisition，andinquireswherehegotit。Evidentlytheproprietordoesnotrememberexactlywherehedidgetit，butthinkshegotit"aroundheresomewhere。"Evidentlythefriendcontractstohelphimfreightithome。Then，withajudgmentpeculiarlyantic(punnotintended)，thentakeholdofoppositeendsofthatgrasshopperlegandbegintotugwithalltheirmightinoppositedirections。Presentlytheytakearestandconfertogether。Theydecidethatsomethingiswrong，theycan"tmakeoutwhat。Thentheygoatitagain，justasbefore。Sameresult。Mutualrecriminationsfollow。

Evidentlyeachaccusestheotherofbeinganobstructionist。

Theylockthemselvestogetherandcheweachother"sjawsforawhile；thentheyrollandtumbleonthegroundtillonelosesahornoralegandhastohauloffforrepairs。

Theymakeupandgotoworkagaininthesameoldinsaneway，butthecrippledantisatadisadvantage；tugashemay，theotheronedragsoffthebootyandhimattheendofit。

Insteadofgivingup，hehangson，andgetshisshinsbruisedagainsteveryobstructionthatcomesintheway。

Byandby，whenthatgrasshopperleghasbeendraggedalloverthesameoldgroundoncemore，itisfinallydumpedataboutthespotwhereitoriginallylay，thetwoperspiringantsinspectitthoughtfullyanddecidethatdriedgrasshopperlegsareapoorsortofpropertyafterall，andtheneachstartsoffinadifferentdirectiontoseeifhecan"tfindanoldnailorsomethingelsethatisheavyenoughtoaffordentertainmentandatthesametimevaluelessenoughtomakeanantwanttoownit。

ThereintheBlackForest，onthemountainside，Isawanantgothroughwithsuchaperformanceasthiswithadeadspideroffullytentimeshisownweight。

Thespiderwasnotquitedead，buttoofargonetoresist。

Hehadaroundbodythesizeofapea。Thelittleant——

observingthatIwasnoticing——turnedhimonhisback，sunkhisfangsintohisthroat，liftedhimintotheairandstartedvigorouslyoffwithhim，stumblingoverlittlepebbles，steppingonthespider"slegsandtrippinghimselfup，dragginghimbackward，shovinghimbodilyahead，dragginghimupstonessixincheshighinsteadofgoingaroundthem，climbingweedstwentytimeshisownheightandjumpingfromtheirsummits——andfinallyleavinghiminthemiddleoftheroadtobeconfiscatedbyanyotherfoolofanantthatwantedhim。Imeasuredthegroundwhichthisasstraversed，andarrivedattheconclusionthatwhathehadaccomplishedinsideoftwentyminuteswouldconstitutesomesuchjobasthis——relativelyspeaking——foraman；

towit:tostraptwoeight-hundred-poundhorsestogether，carrythemeighteenhundredfeet，mainlyover(notaround)

bouldersaveragingsixfeethigh，andinthecourseofthejourneyclimbupandjumpfromthetopofoneprecipicelikeNiagara，andthreesteeples，eachahundredandtwentyfeethigh；andthenputthehorsesdown，inanexposedplace，withoutanybodytowatchthem，andgoofftoindulgeinsomeotheridioticmiracleforvanity"ssake。

Sciencehasrecentlydiscoveredthattheantdoesnotlayupanythingforwinteruse。Thiswillknockhimoutofliterature，tosomeextent。Hedoesnotwork，exceptwhenpeoplearelooking，andonlythenwhentheobserverhasagreen，naturalisticlook，andseemstobetakingnotes。Thisamountstodeception，andwillinjurehimfortheSunday-schools。Hehasnotjudgmentenoughtoknowwhatisgoodtoeatfromwhatisn"t。Thisamountstoignorance，andwillimpairtheworld"srespectforhim。

Hecannotstrollaroundastumpandfindhiswayhomeagain。

Thisamountstoidiocy，andoncethedamagingfactisestablished，thoughtfulpeoplewillceasetolookuptohim，thesentimentalwillceasetofondlehim。

Hisvauntedindustryisbutavanityandofnoeffect，sincehenevergetshomewithanythinghestartswith。

Thisdisposesofthelastremnantofhisreputationandwhollydestroyshismainusefulnessasamoralagent，sinceitwillmakethesluggardhesitatetogotohimanymore。Itisstrange，beyondcomprehension，thatsomanifestahumbugastheanthasbeenabletofoolsomanynationsandkeepitupsomanyageswithoutbeingfoundout。

Theantisstrong，butwesawanotherstrongthing，wherewehadnotsuspectedthepresenceofmuchmuscularpowerbefore。Atoadstool——thatvegetablewhichspringstofullgrowthinasinglenight——hadtornlooseandliftedamattedmassofpineneedlesanddirtoftwiceitsownbulkintotheair，andsupporteditthere，likeacolumnsupportingashed。Tenthousandtoadstools，withtherightpurchase，couldliftaman，Isuppose。

Butwhatgoodwoulditdo?

Allourafternoon"sprogresshadbeenuphill。Aboutfiveorhalfpastwereachedthesummit，andallofasuddenthedensecurtainoftheforestpartedandwelookeddownintoadeepandbeautifulgorgeandoutoverawidepanoramaofwoodedmountainswiththeirsummitsshininginthesunandtheirglade-furrowedsidesdimmedwithpurpleshade。Thegorgeunderourfeet——calledAllerheiligen——affordedroominthegrassylevelatitsheadforacozyanddelightfulhumannest，shutawayfromtheworldanditsbotherations，andconsequentlythemonksoftheoldtimeshadnotfailedtospyitout；

andherewerethebrownandcomelyruinsoftheirchurchandconventtoprovethatpriestshadasfineaninstinctsevenhundredyearsagoinferretingoutthechoicestnooksandcornersinalandaspriestshavetoday。

Abighotelcrowdstheruinsalittle，now，anddrivesabrisktradewithsummertourists。Wedescendedintothegorgeandhadasupperwhichwouldhavebeenverysatisfactoryifthetrouthadnotbeenboiled。

TheGermansareprettysuretoboilatroutoranythingelseiflefttotheirowndevices。ThisisanargumentofsomevalueinsupportofthetheorythattheyweretheoriginalcolonistsofthewildislandsofthecoastofScotland。Aschoonerladenwithorangeswaswreckedupononeofthoseislandsafewyearsago，andthegentlesavagesrenderedthecaptainsuchwillingassistancethathegavethemasmanyorangesastheywanted。

Nextdayheaskedthemhowtheylikedthem。Theyshooktheirheadsandsaid:

"Baked，theyweretough；andevenboiled，theywarn"tthingsforahungrymantohankerafter。"

Wewentdowntheglenaftersupper。Itisbeautiful——amixtureofsylvanlovelinessandcraggywildness。

Alimpidtorrentgoeswhistlingdowntheglen，andtowardthefootofitwindsthroughanarrowcleftbetweenloftyprecipicesandhurlsitselfoverasuccessionoffalls。

Afteronepassesthelastofthesehehasabackwardglimpseatthefallswhichisverypleasing——theyriseinaseven-steppedstairwayoffoamyandglitteringcascades，andmakeapicturewhichisascharmingasitisunusual。

CHAPTERXXIII

[NicodemusDodgeandtheSkeleton]

WeweresatisfiedthatwecouldwalktoOppenauinoneday，nowthatwewereinpractice；sowesetoutthenextmorningafterbreakfastdeterminedtodoit。

Itwasallthewaydownhill，andwehadtheloveliestsummerweatherforit。Sowesetthepedometerandthenstretchedawayonaneasy，regularstride，downthroughtheclovenforest，drawinginthefragrantbreathofthemorningindeeprefreshingdraughts，andwishingwemightneverhaveanythingtodoforeverbutwalktoOppenauandkeepondoingitandthendoingitoveragain。

Now，thetruecharmofpedestrianismdoesnotlieinthewalking，orinthescenery，butinthetalking。

Thewalkingisgoodtotimethemovementofthetongueby，andtokeepthebloodandthebrainstirredupandactive；

thesceneryandthewoodsysmellsaregoodtobearinuponamananunconsciousandunobtrusivecharmandsolacetoeyeandsoulandsense；butthesupremepleasurecomesfromthetalk。Itisnomatterwhetheronetalkswisdomornonsense，thecaseisthesame，thebulkoftheenjoymentliesinthewaggingofthegladsomejawandtheflappingofthesympatheticear。

Andwhatmotleyvarietyofsubjectsacoupleofpeoplewillcasuallyrakeoverinthecourseofaday"stramp!Therebeingnoconstraint，achangeofsubjectisalwaysinorder，andsoabodyisnotlikelytokeeppeggingatasingletopicuntilitgrowstiresome。Wediscussedeverythingweknew，duringthefirstfifteenortwentyminutes，thatmorning，andthenbranchedoutintotheglad，free，boundlessrealmofthethingswewerenotcertainabout。

Harrissaidthatifthebestwriterintheworldoncegottheslovenlyhabitofdoublinguphis"haves"hecouldnevergetridofitwhilehelived。Thatistosay，ifamangetsthehabitofsaying"Ishouldhavelikedtohaveknownmoreaboutit"insteadofsayingsimplyandsensibly，"Ishouldhavelikedtoknowmoreaboutit，"

thatman"sdiseaseisincurable。HarrissaidthathissortoflapseistobefoundineverycopyofeverynewspaperthathaseverbeenprintedinEnglish，andinalmostallofourbooks。HesaidhehadobserveditinKirkham"sgrammarandinMacaulay。Harrisbelievedthatmilk-teetharecommonerinmen"smouthsthanthose"doubled-uphaves。"[1]

1。IdonotknowthattherehavenotbeenmomentsinthecourseofthepresentsessionwhenIshouldhavebeenverygladtohaveacceptedtheproposalofmynoblefriend，andtohaveexchangedpartsinsomeofoureveningsofwork——[FromaSpeechoftheEnglishChancelloroftheExchequer，August，1879。]

Thatchangedthesubjecttodentistry。IsaidIbelievedtheaveragemandreadedtooth-pullingmorethanamputation，andthathewouldyellquickerundertheformeroperationthanhewouldunderthelatter。ThephilosopherHarrissaidthattheaveragemanwouldnotyellineithercaseifhehadanaudience。Thenhecontinued:

"WhenourbrigadefirstwentintocamponthePotomac，weusedtobebroughtupstanding，occasionally，byanear-splittinghowlofanguish。Thatmeantthatasoldierwasgettingatoothpulledinatent。Butthesurgeonssoonchangedthat；theyinstitutedopen-airdentistry。

Thereneverwasahowlafterward——thatis，fromthemanwhowashavingthetoothpulled。Atthedailydentalhourtherewouldalwaysbeaboutfivehundredsoldiersgatheredtogetherintheneighborhoodofthatdentalchairwaitingtoseetheperformance——andhelp；andthemomentthesurgeontookagriponthecandidate"stoothandbegantolift，everyoneofthosefivehundredrascalswouldclaphishandtohisjawandbegintohoparoundononelegandhowlwithallthelungshehad!Itwasenoughtoraiseyourhairtohearthatvariegatedandenormousunanimouscaterwaulburstout!Withsobigandsoderisiveanaudienceasthat，asufferwouldn"temitasoundthoughyoupulledhisheadoff。Thesurgeonssaidthatprettyoftenapatientwascompelledtolaugh，inthemidstofhispangs，butthathadnevercaughtonecryingout，aftertheopen-airexhibitionwasinstituted。"

Dentalsurgeonssuggesteddoctors，doctorssuggesteddeath，deathsuggestedskeletons——andso，byalogicalprocesstheconversationmeltedoutofoneofthesesubjectsandintothenext，untilthetopicofskeletonsraisedupNicodemusDodgeoutofthedeepgraveinmymemorywherehehadlainburiedandforgottenfortwenty-fiveyears。

WhenIwasaboyinaprinting-officeinMissouri，aloose-jointed，long-legged，tow-headed，jeans-cladcountrifiedcubofaboutsixteenloungedinoneday，andwithoutremovinghishandsfromthedepthsofhistrouserspocketsortakingoffhisfadedruinofaslouchhat，whosebrokenrimhunglimpandraggedabouthiseyesandearslikeabug-eatencabbageleaf，staredindifferentlyaround，thenleanedhishipagainsttheeditor"stable，crossedhismightybrogans，aimedatadistantflyfromacreviceinhisupperteeth，laidhimlow，andsaidwithcomposure:

"Whar"stheboss?"

"Iamtheboss，"saidtheeditor，followingthiscuriousbitofarchitecturewonderinglyalonguptoitsclock-facewithhiseye。

"Don"twantanybodyfurtolearnthebusiness，"tain"tlikely?"

"Well，Idon"tknow。Wouldyouliketolearnit?"

"Pap"ssopo"hecain"trunmenomo"，soIwanttogitashowsomersifIkin，"taintnodiffuncewhat——I"mstrongandhearty，andIdon"tturnmybackonnokindofwork，hardnursoft。"

"Doyouthinkyouwouldliketolearntheprintingbusiness?"

"Well，Idon"tre"lyk"yeradurnwhatIDOlearn，so"sIgitachancefurtomakemyway。I"djistassoonlearnprint"n"sanything。"

"Canyouread?"

"Yes——middlin"。"

"Write?"

"Well，I"veseedpeoplecouldlayovermethar。"

"Cipher?"

"Notgoodenoughtokeepstore，Idon"treckon，butupasfurastwelve-times-twelveIain"tnoslouch。

"Tothersideofthatiswhatgitsme。"

"Whereisyourhome?"

"I"mf"moldShelby。"

"What"syourfather"sreligiousdenomination?"

"Him?Oh，he"sablacksmith。"

"No，no——Idon"tmeanhistrade。What"shisRELIGIOUS

DENOMINATION?"

"OH——Ididn"tunderstandyoubefo"。He"saFreemason。"

"No，no，youdon"tgetmymeaningyet。WhatImeanis，doeshebelongtoanyCHURCH?"

"NOWyou"retalkin"!Couldn"tmakeoutwhatyouwasa-tryin"

togitthroughyo"headnoway。B"longtoaCHURCH!Why，boss，he"sbenthepizenestkindofFree-willBabtis"

forfortyyear。Theyain"tnopizenerones"nwhatHEis。

Mightygoodman，papis。Everybodysaysthat。Iftheysaidanydiffrunttheywouldn"tsayitwhar_I_wuz——

notMUCHtheywouldn"t。"

"Whatisyourownreligion?"

"Well，boss，you"vekindo"gotme，there——andyityouhain"tgotmesomightymuch，nuther。Ithink"tifafellerhe"psanotherfellerwhenhe"sintrouble，anddon"tcuss，anddon"tdonomeanthings，nurnoth"n"

heain"nobusinesstodo，anddon"tspelltheSaviour"snamewithalittleg，heain"trunnin"noresks——he"saboutassaiftasheb"longedtoachurch。"

"Butsupposehedidspellitwithalittleg——whatthen?"

"Well，ifhedoneita-purpose，Ireckonhewouldn"tstandnochance——heOUGHTN"Ttohavenochance，anyway，I"mmostrottencertain"boutthat。"

"Whatisyourname?"

"NicodemusDodge。"

"Ithinkmaybeyou"lldo，Nicodemus。We"llgiveyouatrial，anyway。"

"Allright。"

"Whenwouldyouliketobegin?"

"Now。"

So，withintenminutesafterwehadfirstglimpsedthisnondescripthewasoneofus，andwithhiscoatoffandhardatit。

Beyondthatendofourestablishmentwhichwasfurthestfromthestreet，wasadesertedgarden，pathless，andthicklygrownwiththebloomyandvillainous"jimpson"

weedanditscommonfriendthestatelysunflower。

Inthemidstofthismournfulspotwasadecayedandagedlittle"frame"housewithbutoneroom，onewindow，andnoceiling——ithadbeenasmoke-houseagenerationbefore。

Nicodemuswasgiventhislonelyandghostlydenasabedchamber。

ThevillagesmartiesrecognizedatreasureinNicodemus，rightaway——abutttoplayjokeson。Itwaseasytoseethathewasinconceivablygreenandconfiding。GeorgeJoneshadthegloryofperpetratingthefirstjokeonhim；

hegavehimacigarwithafirecrackerinitandwinkedtothecrowdtocome；thethingexplodedpresentlyandsweptawaythebulkofNicodemus"seyebrowsandeyelashes。

Hesimplysaid:

"Iconsiderthemkindofseeg"yarsdangersome，"——andseemedtosuspectnothing。ThenexteveningNicodemuswaylaidGeorgeandpouredabucketofice-wateroverhim。

Oneday，whileNicodemuswasinswimming，TomMcElroy"tied"hisclothes。NicodemusmadeabonfireofTom"sbywayofretaliation。

AthirdjokewasplayeduponNicodemusadayortwolater——hewalkedupthemiddleaisleofthevillagechurch，Sundaynight，withastaringhandbillpinnedbetweenhisshoulders。

Thejokerspenttheremainderofthenight，afterchurch，inthecellarofadesertedhouse，andNicodemussatonthecellardoortilltowardbreakfast-timetomakesurethattheprisonerrememberedthatifanynoisewasmade，someroughtreatmentwouldbetheconsequence。Thecellarhadtwofeetofstagnantwaterinit，andwasbottomedwithsixinchesofsoftmud。

ButIwanderfromthepoint。Itwasthesubjectofskeletonsthatbroughtthisboybacktomyrecollection。

Beforeaverylongtimehadelapsed，thevillagesmartiesbegantofeelanuncomfortableconsciousnessofnothavingmadeaveryshiningsuccessoutoftheirattemptsonthesimpletonfrom"oldShelby。"Experimentersgrewscarceandchary。Nowtheyoungdoctorcametotherescue。

TherewasdelightandapplausewhenheproposedtoscareNicodemustodeath，andexplainedhowhewasgoingtodoit。

Hehadanoblenewskeleton——theskeletonofthelateandonlylocalcelebrity，JimmyFinn，thevillagedrunkard——agrislypieceofpropertywhichhehadboughtofJimmyFinnhimself，atauction，forfiftydollars，undergreatcompetition，whenJimmylayverysickinthetan-yardafortnightbeforehisdeath。Thefiftydollarshadgonepromptlyforwhiskeyandhadconsiderablyhurriedupthechangeofownershipintheskeleton。

ThedoctorwouldputJimmyFinn"sskeletoninNicodemus"sbed!

Thiswasdone——abouthalfpasttenintheevening。

AboutNicodemus"susualbedtime——midnight——thevillagejokerscamecreepingstealthilythroughthejimpsonweedsandsunflowerstowardthelonelyframeden。

Theyreachedthewindowandpeepedin。Theresatthelong-leggedpauper，onhisbed，inaveryshortshirt，andnothingmore；hewasdanglinghislegscontentedlybackandforth，andwheezingthemusicof"CamptownRaces"

outofapaper-overlaidcombwhichhewaspressingagainsthismouth；byhimlayanewjewsharp，anewtop，andsolidindia-rubberball，ahandfulofpaintedmarbles，fivepoundsof"store"candy，andawell-gnawedslabofgingerbreadasbigandasthickasavolumeofsheet-music。

Hehadsoldtheskeletontoatravelingquackforthreedollarsandwasenjoyingtheresult!

Justaswehadfinishedtalkingaboutskeletonsandweredriftingintothesubjectoffossils，HarrisandIheardashout，andglancedupthesteephillside。Wesawmenandwomenstandingawayuptherelookingfrightened，andtherewasabulkyobjecttumblingandflounderingdownthesteepslopetowardus。Wegotoutoftheway，andwhentheobjectlandedintheroaditprovedtobeaboy。

Hehadtrippedandfallen，andtherewasnothingforhimtodobuttrusttoluckandtakewhatmightcome。

Whenonestartstorolldownaplacelikethat，thereisnostoppingtillthebottomisreached。ThinkofpeopleFARMINGonaslantwhichissosteepthatthebestyoucansayofit——ifyouwanttobefastidiouslyaccurate——is，thatitisalittlesteeperthanaladderandnotquitesosteepasamansardroof。Butthatiswhattheydo。

SomeofthelittlefarmsonthehillsideoppositeHeidelbergwerestoodup"edgeways。"Theboywaswonderfullyjoltedup，andhisheadwasbleeding，fromcutswhichithadgotfromsmallstonesontheway。

HarrisandIgatheredhimupandsethimonastone，andbythattimethemenandwomenhadscampereddownandbroughthiscap。

Men，women，andchildrenflockedoutfromneighboringcottagesandjoinedthecrowd；thepaleboywaspetted，andstaredat，andcommiserated，andwaterwasbroughtforhimtodrinkandbathehisbruisesin。

Andsuchanotherclatteroftongues!Allwhohadseenthecatastropheweredescribingitatonce，andeachtryingtotalklouderthanhisneighbor；andoneyouthofasuperiorgeniusranalittlewayupthehill，calledattention，tripped，fell，rolleddownamongus，andthustriumphantlyshowedexactlyhowthethinghadbeendone。

HarrisandIwereincludedinallthedescriptions；

howwewerecomingalong；howHansGrossshouted；

howwelookedupstartled；howwesawPetercominglikeacannon-shot；howjudiciouslywegotoutoftheway，andlethimcome；andwithwhatpresenceofmindwepickedhimupandbrushedhimoffandsethimonarockwhentheperformancewasover。Wewereasmuchheroesasanybodyelse，exceptPeter，andweresorecognized；

weweretakenwithPeterandthepopulacetoPeter"smother"scottage，andthereweatebreadandcheese，anddrankmilkandbeerwitheverybody，andhadamostsociablegoodtime；andwhenweleftwehadahandshakeallaround，andwerereceivingandshoutingbackLEB"

WOHL"suntilaturnintheroadseparatedusfromourcordialandkindlynewfriendsforever。

Weaccomplishedourundertaking。AthalfpasteightintheeveningwesteppedintoOppenau，justelevenhoursandahalfoutofAllerheiligen——onehundredandforty-sixmiles。Thisisthedistancebypedometer；

theguide-bookandtheImperialOrdinancemapsmakeitonlytenandaquarter——asurprisingblunder，forthesetwoauthoritiesareusuallysingularlyaccurateinthematterofdistances。

CHAPTERXXIV

[IProtecttheEmpressofGermany]

Thatwasathoroughlysatisfactorywalk——andtheonlyonewewereevertohavewhichwasallthewaydownhill。

WetookthetrainnextmorningandreturnedtoBaden-Badenthroughfearfulfogsofdust。Everyseatwascrowded，too；

foritwasSunday，andconsequentlyeverybodywastakinga"pleasure"excursion。Hot!theskywasanoven——andasoundone，too，withnocracksinittoletinanyair。

Anoddtimeforapleasureexcursion，certainly!

Sundayisthegreatdayonthecontinent——thefreeday，thehappyday。OnecanbreaktheSabbathinahundredwayswithoutcommittinganysin。

WedonotworkonSunday，becausethecommandmentforbidsit；

theGermansdonotworkonSunday，becausethecommandmentforbidsit。WerestonSunday，becausethecommandmentrequiresit；theGermansrestonSundaybecausethecommandmentrequiresit。Butinthedefinitionoftheword"rest"liesallthedifference。Withus，itsSundaymeaningis，stayinthehouseandkeepstill；

withtheGermansitsSundayandweek-daymeaningsseemtobethesame——resttheTIREDPART，andnevermindtheotherpartsoftheframe；restthetiredpart，andusethemeansbestcalculatedtorestthatparticularpart。

Thus:Ifone"sdutieshavekepthiminthehousealltheweek，itwillresthimtobeoutonSunday；ifhisdutieshaverequiredhimtoreadweightyandseriousmatteralltheweek，itwillresthimtoreadlightmatteronSunday；

ifhisoccupationhasbusiedhimwithdeathandfuneralsalltheweek，itwillresthimtogotothetheaterSundaynightandputintwoorthreehourslaughingatacomedy；

ifheistiredwithdiggingditchesorfellingtreesalltheweek，itwillresthimtoliequietinthehouseonSunday；ifthehand，thearm，thebrain，thetongue，oranyothermember，isfatiguedwithinanition，itisnottoberestedbyaddedaday"sinanition；

butifamemberisfatiguedwithexertion，inanitionistherightrestforit。SuchisthewayinwhichtheGermansseemtodefinetheword"rest"；thatistosay，theyrestamemberbyrecreating，recuperating，restoreitsforces。

Butourdefinitionislessbroad。WeallrestalikeonSunday——bysecludingourselvesandkeepingstill，whetherthatisthesurestwaytorestthemostofusornot。TheGermansmaketheactors，thepreachers，etc。，workonSunday。Weencouragethepreachers，theeditors，theprinters，etc。，toworkonSunday，andimaginethatnoneofthesinofitfallsuponus；

butIdonotknowhowwearegoingtogetaroundthefactthatifitiswrongfortheprintertoworkathistradeonSundayitmustbeequallywrongforthepreachertoworkathis，sincethecommandmenthasmadenoexceptioninhisfavor。WebuyMondaymorning"spaperandreadit，andthusencourageSundayprinting。ButIshallneverdoitagain。

TheGermansremembertheSabbath-daytokeepitholy，byabstainingfromwork，ascommanded；wekeepitholybyabstainingfromwork，ascommanded，andbyalsoabstainingfromplay，whichisnotcommanded。

PerhapsweconstructivelyBREAKthecommandtorest，becausetherestingwedoisinmostcasesonlyaname，andnotafact。

Thesereasoningshavesufficed，inameasure，tomendtherentinmyconsciencewhichImadebytravelingtoBaden-BadenthatSunday。WearrivedintimetofurbishupandgettotheEnglishchurchbeforeservicesbegan。

Wearrivedinconsiderablestyle，too，forthelandlordhadorderedthefirstcarriagethatcouldbefound，sincetherewasnotimetolose，andourcoachmanwassosplendidlyliveriedthatwewereprobablymistakenforabraceofstraydukes；whyelsewerewehonoredwithapewalltoourselves，awayupamongtheveryelectattheleftofthechancel?Thatwasmyfirstthought。

Inthepewdirectlyinfrontofussatanelderlylady，plainlyandcheaplydressed；athersidesatayoungladywithaverysweetface，andshealsowasquitesimplydressed；butaroundusandaboutuswereclothesandjewelswhichitwoulddoanybody"sheartgoodtoworshipin。

Ithoughtitwasprettymanifestthattheelderlyladywasembarrassedatfindingherselfinsuchaconspicuousplacearrayedinsuchcheapapparel；Ibegantofeelsorryforherandtroubledabouther。Shetriedtoseemverybusywithherprayer-bookandherresponses，andunconsciousthatshewasoutofplace，butIsaidtomyself，"Sheisnotsucceeding——thereisadistressedtremulousnessinhervoicewhichbetraysincreasingembarrassment。"

PresentlytheSavior"snamewasmentioned，andinherflurryshelostherheadcompletely，androseandcourtesied，insteadofmakingaslightnodaseverybodyelsedid。

ThesympatheticbloodsurgedtomytemplesandIturnedandgavethosefinebirdswhatIintendedtobeabeseechinglook，butmyfeelingsgotthebetterofmeandchangeditintoalookwhichsaid，"Ifanyofyoupetsoffortunelaughatthispoorsoul，youwilldeservetobeflayedforit。"

Thingswentfrombadtoworse，andIshortlyfoundmyselfmentallytakingtheunfriendedladyundermyprotection。

Mymindwaswhollyuponher。Iforgotallaboutthesermon。

Herembarrassmenttookstrongerandstrongerholduponher；

shegottosnappingthelidofhersmelling-bottle——itmadealoud，sharpsound，butinhertroubleshesnappedandsnappedaway，unconsciousofwhatshewasdoing。

Thelastextremitywasreachedwhenthecollection-platebeganitsrounds；themoderatepeoplethrewinpennies，thenoblesandtherichcontributedsilver，butshelaidatwenty-markgoldpieceuponthebook-restbeforeherwithasoundingslap!Isaidtomyself，"Shehaspartedwithallherlittlehoardtobuytheconsiderationoftheseunpityingpeople——itisasorrowfulspectacle。"Ididnotventuretolookaroundthistime；butastheserviceclosed，Isaidtomyself，"Letthemlaugh，itistheiropportunity；

butatthedoorofthischurchtheyshallseeherstepintoourfinecarriagewithus，andourgaudycoachmanshalldriveherhome。"

Thensherose——andallthecongregationstoodwhileshewalkeddowntheaisle。ShewastheEmpressofGermany!

No——shehadnotbeensomuchembarrassedasIhadsupposed。

Myimaginationhadgotstartedonthewrongscent，andthatisalwayshopeless；oneissure，then，togostraightonmisinterpretingeverything，clearthroughtotheend。

TheyoungladywithherimperialMajestywasamaidofhonor——andIhadbeentakingherforoneofherboarders，allthetime。

ThisistheonlytimeIhaveeverhadanEmpressundermypersonalprotection；andconsideringmyinexperience，IwonderIgotthroughwithitsowell。IshouldhavebeenalittleembarrassedmyselfifIhadknownearlierwhatsortofacontractIhadonmyhands。

WefoundthattheEmpresshadbeeninBaden-Badenseveraldays。ItissaidthatsheneverattendsanybuttheEnglishformofchurchservice。

Ilayabedandreadandrestedfrommyjourney"sfatiguestheremainderofthatSunday，butIsentmyagenttorepresentmeattheafternoonservice，forIneverallowanythingtointerferewithmyhabitofattendingchurchtwiceeverySunday。

Therewasavastcrowdinthepublicgroundsthatnighttohearthebandplaythe"Fremersberg。"Thispiecetellsoneoftheoldlegendsoftheregion；howagreatnobleoftheMiddleAgesgotlostinthemountains，andwanderedaboutwithhisdogsinaviolentstorm，untilatlastthefainttonesofamonasterybell，callingthemonkstoamidnightservice，caughthisear，andhefollowedthedirectionthesoundscamefromandwassaved。

Abeautifulairranthroughthemusic，withoutceasing，sometimesloudandstrong，sometimessosoftthatitcouldhardlybedistinguished——butitwasalwaysthere；

itswunggrandlyalongthroughtheshrillwhistlingofthestorm-wind，therattlingpatteroftherain，andtheboomandcrashofthethunder；itwoundsoftandlowthroughthelessersounds，thedistantones，suchasthethrobbingoftheconventbell，themelodiouswindingofthehunter"shorn，thedistressedbayingsofhisdogs，andthesolemnchantingofthemonks；

itroseagain，withajubilantring，andmingleditselfwiththecountrysongsanddancesofthepeasantsassembledintheconventhalltocheeruptherescuedhuntsmanwhileheatehissupper。Theinstrumentsimitatedallthesesoundswithamarvelousexactness。Morethanonemanstartedtoraisehisumbrellawhenthestormburstforthandthesheetsofmimicraincamedrivingby；

itwashardlypossibletokeepfromputtingyourhandtoyourhatwhenthefiercewindbegantorageandshriek；

anditwasNOTpossibletorefrainfromstartingwhenthosesuddenandcharminglyrealthunder-crasheswereletloose。

Isupposethe"Fremersberg"isaverylow-grademusic；

Iknow，indeed，thatitMUSTbelow-grademusic，becauseitdelightedme，warmedme，movedme，stirredme，upliftedme，enrapturedme，thatIwasfullofcryallthetime，andmadwithenthusiasm。MysoulhadneverhadsuchascouringoutsinceIwasborn。Thesolemnandmajesticchantingofthemonkswasnotdonebyinstruments，butbymen"svoices；anditroseandfell，androseagaininthatrichconfusionofwarringsounds，andpulsingbells，andthestatelyswingofthatever-presentenchantingair，anditseemedtomethatnothingbuttheverylowestoflow-grademusicCOULDbesodivinelybeautiful。

Thegreatcrowdwhichthe"Fremersberg"hadcalledoutwasanotherevidencethatitwaslow-grademusic；foronlythefewareeducateduptoapointwherehigh-grademusicgivespleasure。Ihaveneverheardenoughclassicmusictobeabletoenjoyit。IdisliketheoperabecauseIwanttoloveitandcan"t。

Isupposetherearetwokindsofmusic——onekindwhichonefeels，justasanoystermight，andanothersortwhichrequiresahigherfaculty，afacultywhichmustbeassistedanddevelopedbyteaching。Yetifbasemusicgivescertainofuswings，whyshouldwewantanyother?

Butwedo。Wewantitbecausethehigherandbetterlikeit。Wewantitwithoutgivingitthenecessarytimeandtrouble；soweclimbintothatuppertier，thatdress-circle，byalie；wePRETENDwelikeit。

Iknowseveralofthatsortofpeople——andIproposetobeoneofthemmyselfwhenIgethomewithmyfineEuropeaneducation。