第3章

`Andwhatdidyoudecide？"askedGerald，atonceprickinguphisearsatthethoughtofametaphysicaldiscussion。

`Youdon"twantasoultoday，myboy，"saidMarshall。`It"dbeinyourroad。"

`Christ！Marshall，goandtalktosomebodyelse，"criedGerald，withsuddenimpatience。

`ByGod，I"mwilling，"saidMarshall，inatemper。`Toomuchbloodysoulandtalkaltogether——"

Hewithdrewinadudgeon，Geraldstaringafterhimwithangryeyes，thatgrewgraduallycalmandamiableasthestoutly—builtformoftheothermanpassedintothedistance。

`There"sonething，Lupton，"saidGerald，turningsuddenlytothebridegroom。

`Laurawon"thavebroughtsuchafoolintothefamilyasLottiedid。"

`Comfortyourselfwiththat，"laughedBirkin。

`Itakenonoticeofthem，"laughedthebridegroom。

`Whataboutthisracethen——whobeganit？"Geraldasked。

`Wewerelate。Laurawasatthetopofthechurchyardstepswhenourcabcameup。ShesawLuptonboltingtowardsher。Andshefled。Butwhydoyoulooksocross？Doesithurtyoursenseofthefamilydignity？"

`Itdoes，rather，"saidGerald。`Ifyou"redoingathing，doitproperly，andifyou"renotgoingtodoitproperly，leaveitalone。"

`Veryniceaphorism，"saidBirkin。

`Don"tyouagree？"askedGerald。

`Quite，"saidBirkin。`Onlyitboresmerather，whenyoubecomeaphoristic。"

`Damnyou，Rupert，youwantalltheaphorismsyourownway，"saidGerald。

`No。Iwantthemoutoftheway，andyou"realwaysshovingtheminit。"

Geraldsmiledgrimlyatthishumorism。Thenhemadealittlegestureofdismissal，withhiseyebrows。

`Youdon"tbelieveinhavinganystandardofbehaviouratall，doyou？"

hechallengedBirkin，censoriously。

`Standard——no。Ihatestandards。Butthey"renecessaryforthecommonruck。Anybodywhoisanythingcanjustbehimselfanddoashelikes。"

`Butwhatdoyoumeanbybeinghimself？"saidGerald。`Isthatanaphorismoracliche？"

`Imeanjustdoingwhatyouwanttodo。IthinkitwasperfectgoodforminLauratoboltfromLuptontothechurchdoor。Itwasalmostamasterpieceingoodform。It"sthehardestthingintheworldtoactspontaneouslyonone"simpulses——andit"stheonlyreallygentlemanlythingtodo——

providedyou"refittodoit。"

`Youdon"texpectmetotakeyouseriously，doyou？"askedGerald。

`Yes，Gerald，you"reoneoftheveryfewpeopleIdoexpectthatof。"

`ThenI"mafraidIcan"tcomeuptoyourexpectationshere，atanyrate。

Youthinkpeopleshouldjustdoastheylike。"

`Ithinktheyalwaysdo。ButIshouldlikethemtolikethepurelyindividualthinginthemselves，whichmakesthemactinsingleness。Andtheyonlyliketodothecollectivething。"

`AndI，"saidGeraldgrimly，`shouldn"tliketobeinaworldofpeoplewhoactedindividuallyandspontaneously，asyoucallit。Weshouldhaveeverybodycuttingeverybodyelse"sthroatinfiveminutes。"

`Thatmeansyouwouldliketobecuttingeverybody"sthroat，"

saidBirkin。

`Howdoesthatfollow？"askedGeraldcrossly。

`Noman，"saidBirkin，`cutsanotherman"sthroatunlesshewantstocutit，andunlesstheothermanwantsitcutting。Thisisacompletetruth。

Ittakestwopeopletomakeamurder:amurdererandamurderee。Andamurdereeisamanwhoismurderable。Andamanwhoismurderableisamanwhoinaprofoundifhiddenlustdesirestobemurdered。"

`Sometimesyoutalkpurenonsense，"saidGeraldtoBirkin。`Asamatteroffact，noneofuswantsourthroatcut，andmostotherpeoplewouldliketocutitforus——sometimeorother——"

`It"sanastyviewofthings，Gerald，"saidBirkin，`andnowonderyouareafraidofyourselfandyourownunhappiness。"

`HowamIafraidofmyself？"saidGerald;`andIdon"tthinkIamunhappy。"

`Youseemtohavealurkingdesiretohaveyourgizzardslit，andimagineeverymanhashisknifeuphissleeveforyou，"Birkinsaid。

`Howdoyoumakethatout？"saidGerald。

`Fromyou，"saidBirkin。

Therewasapauseofstrangeenmitybetweenthetwomen，thatwasveryneartolove。Itwasalwaysthesamebetweenthem;alwaystheirtalkbroughtthemintoadeadlynearnessofcontact，astrange，perilousintimacywhichwaseitherhateorlove，orboth。Theypartedwithapparentunconcern，asiftheirgoingapartwereatrivialoccurrence。Andtheyreallykeptittotheleveloftrivialoccurrence。Yettheheartofeachburnedfromtheother。Theyburnedwitheachother，inwardly。Thistheywouldneveradmit。Theyintendedtokeeptheirrelationshipacasualfree—and—easyfriendship，theywerenotgoingtobesounmanlyandunnaturalastoallowanyheart—burningbetweenthem。Theyhadnotthefaintestbeliefindeeprelationshipbetweenmenandmen，andtheirdisbeliefpreventedanydevelopmentoftheirpowerfulbutsuppressedfriendliness。

WomenInLove:Chapter3CHAPTERIIIClass—roomASCHOOL—DAYwasdrawingtoaclose。Intheclass—roomthelastlessonwasinprogress，peacefulandstill。Itwaselementarybotany。Thedeskswerelitteredwithcatkins，hazelandwillow，whichthechildrenhadbeensketching。Buttheskyhadcomeoverdark，astheendoftheafternoonapproached:therewasscarcelylighttodrawanymore。

Ursulastoodinfrontoftheclass，leadingthechildrenbyquestionstounderstandthestructureandthemeaningofthecatkins。

Aheavy，copper—colouredbeamoflightcameinatthewestwindow，gildingtheoutlinesofthechildren"sheadswithredgold，andfallingonthewalloppositeinarich，ruddyillumination。Ursula，however，wasscarcelyconsciousofit。Shewasbusy，theendofthedaywashere，theworkwentonasapeacefultidethatisatflood，hushedtoretire。

Thisdayhadgonebylikesomanymore，inanactivitythatwaslikeatrance。Attheendtherewasalittlehaste，tofinishwhatwasinhand。

Shewaspressingthechildrenwithquestions，sothattheyshouldknowalltheyweretoknow，bythetimethegongwent。Shestoodinshadowinfrontoftheclass，withcatkinsinherhand，andsheleanedtowardsthechildren，absorbedinthepassionofinstruction。

Sheheard，butdidnotnoticetheclickofthedoor。Suddenlyshestarted。

Shesaw，intheshaftofruddy，copper—colouredlightnearher，thefaceofaman。Itwasgleaminglikefire，watchingher，waitingforhertobeaware。Itstartledherterribly。Shethoughtshewasgoingtofaint。Allhersuppressed，subconsciousfearsprangintobeing，withanguish。

`DidIstartleyou？"saidBirkin，shakinghandswithher。`Ithoughtyouhadheardmecomein。"

`No，"shefaltered，scarcelyabletospeak。Helaughed，sayinghewassorry。Shewonderedwhyitamusedhim。

`Itissodark，"hesaid。`Shallwehavethelight？"

Andmovingaside，heswitchedonthestrongelectriclights。Theclass—roomwasdistinctandhard，astrangeplaceafterthesoftdimmagicthatfilleditbeforehecame。BirkinturnedcuriouslytolookatUrsula。Hereyeswereroundandwondering，bewildered，hermouthquiveredslightly。Shelookedlikeonewhoissuddenlywakened。Therewasaliving，tenderbeauty，likeatenderlightofdawnshiningfromherface。Helookedatherwithanewpleasure，feelinggayinhisheart，irresponsible。

`Youaredoingcatkins？"heasked，pickingupapieceofhazelfromascholar"sdeskinfrontofhim。`Aretheyasfaroutasthis？Ihadn"tnoticedthemthisyear。"

Helookedabsorbedlyatthetasselofhazelinhishand。

`Theredonestoo！"hesaid，lookingattheflickersofcrimsonthatcamefromthefemalebud。

Thenhewentinamongthedesks，toseethescholars"books。Ursulawatchedhisintentprogress。Therewasastillnessinhismotionthathushedtheactivitiesofherheart。Sheseemedtobestandingasideinarrestedsilence，watchinghimmoveinanother，concentratedworld。Hispresencewassoquiet，almostlikeavacancyinthecorporateair。

Suddenlyheliftedhisfacetoher，andherheartquickenedattheflickerofhisvoice。

`Givethemsomecrayons，won"tyou？"hesaid，`sothattheycanmakethegynaeciousflowersred，andtheandrogynousyellow。I"dchalktheminplain，chalkinnothingelse，merelytheredandtheyellow。Outlinescarcelymattersinthiscase。Thereisjusttheonefacttoemphasise。"

`Ihaven"tanycrayons，"saidUrsula。

`Therewillbesomesomewhere——redandyellow，that"sallyouwant。"

Ursulasentoutaboyonaquest。

`Itwillmakethebooksuntidy，"shesaidtoBirkin，flushingdeeply。

`Notvery，"hesaid。`Youmustmarkinthesethingsobviously。It"sthefactyouwanttoemphasise，notthesubjectiveimpressiontorecord。

What"sthefact？——redlittlespikystigmasofthefemaleflower，danglingyellowmalecatkin，yellowpollenflyingfromonetotheother。Makeapictorialrecordofthefact，asachilddoeswhendrawingaface——twoeyes，onenose，mouthwithteeth——so——"Andhedrewafigureontheblackboard。

Atthatmomentanothervisionwasseenthroughtheglasspanelsofthedoor。ItwasHermioneRoddice。Birkinwentandopenedtoher。

`Isawyourcar，"shesaidtohim。`Doyoumindmycomingtofindyou？

Iwantedtoseeyouwhenyouwereonduty。"

Shelookedathimforalongtime，intimateandplayful，thenshegaveashortlittlelaugh。AndthenonlysheturnedtoUrsula，who，withalltheclass，hadbeenwatchingthelittlescenebetweenthelovers。

`Howdoyoudo，MissBrangwen，"sangHermione，inherlow，odd，singingfashion，thatsoundedalmostasifshewerepokingfun。`Doyoumindmycomingin？"

Hergrey，almostsardoniceyesrestedallthewhileonUrsula，asifsummingherup。

`Ohno，"saidUrsula。

`Areyousure？"repeatedHermione，withcompletesangfroid，andanodd，half—bullyingeffrontery。

`Ohno，Ilikeitawfully，"laughedUrsula，alittlebitexcitedandbewildered，becauseHermioneseemedtobecompellingher，comingveryclosetoher，asifintimatewithher;andyet，howcouldshebeintimate？

ThiswastheanswerHermionewanted。SheturnedsatisfiedtoBirkin。

`Whatareyoudoing？"shesang，inhercasual，inquisitivefashion。

`Catkins，"hereplied。

`Really！"shesaid。`Andwhatdoyoulearnaboutthem？"Shespokeallthewhileinamocking，halfteasingfashion，asifmakinggameofthewholebusiness。Shepickedupatwigofthecatkin，piquedbyBirkin"sattentiontoit。

Shewasastrangefigureintheclass—room，wearingalarge，oldcloakofgreenishcloth，onwhichwasaraisedpatternofdullgold。Thehighcollar，andtheinsideofthecloak，waslinedwithdarkfur。Beneathshehadadressoffinelavender—colouredcloth，trimmedwithfur，andherhatwasclose—fitting，madeoffurandofthedull，green—and—goldfiguredstuff。Shewastallandstrange，shelookedasifshehadcomeoutofsomenew，bizarrepicture。

`Doyouknowthelittleredovaryflowers，thatproducethenuts？Haveyouevernoticedthem？"heaskedher。Andhecamecloseandpointedthemouttoher，onthesprigsheheld。

`No，"shereplied。`Whatarethey？"

`Thosearethelittleseed—producingflowers，andthelongcatkins，theyonlyproducepollen，tofertilisethem。"

`Dothey，dothey！"repeatedHermione，lookingclosely。

`Fromthoselittleredbits，thenutscome;iftheyreceivepollenfromthelongdanglers。"

`Littleredflames，littleredflames，"murmuredHermionetoherself。

Andsheremainedforsomemomentslookingonlyatthesmallbudsoutofwhichtheredflickersofthestigmaissued。

`Aren"ttheybeautiful？Ithinkthey"resobeautiful，"shesaid，movingclosetoBirkin，andpointingtotheredfilamentswithherlong，whitefinger。

`Hadyounevernoticedthembefore？"heasked。

`No，neverbefore，"shereplied。

`Andnowyouwillalwaysseethem，"hesaid。

`NowIshallalwaysseethem，"sherepeated。`Thankyousomuchforshowingme。Ithinkthey"resobeautiful——littleredflames——"

Herabsorptionwasstrange，almostrhapsodic。BothBirkinandUrsulaweresuspended。Thelittleredpistillateflowershadsomestrange，almostmystic—passionateattractionforher。

Thelessonwasfinished，thebookswereputaway，atlasttheclasswasdismissed。AndstillHermionesatatthetable，withherchininherhand，herelbowonthetable，herlongwhitefacepushedup，notattendingtoanything。Birkinhadgonetothewindow，andwaslookingfromthebrilliantly—lightedroomontothegrey，colourlessoutside，whererainwasnoiselesslyfalling。

Ursulaputawayherthingsinthecupboard。

AtlengthHermioneroseandcameneartoher。

`Yoursisterhascomehome？"shesaid。

`Yes，"saidUrsula。

`AnddoesshelikebeingbackinBeldover？"

`No，"saidUrsula。

`No，Iwondershecanbearit。Ittakesallmystrength，tobeartheuglinessofthisdistrict，whenIstayhere。Won"tyoucomeandseeme？

Won"tyoucomewithyoursistertostayatBreadalbyforafewdays？——

do——"

`Thankyouverymuch，"saidUrsula。

`ThenIwillwritetoyou，"saidHermione。`Youthinkyoursisterwillcome？Ishouldbesoglad。Ithinksheiswonderful。Ithinksomeofherworkisreallywonderful。Ihavetwowater—wagtails，carvedinwood，andpainted——perhapsyouhaveseenit？"

`No，"saidUrsula。

`Ithinkitisperfectlywonderful——likeaflashofinstinct。"

`Herlittlecarvingsarestrange，"saidUrsula。

`Perfectlybeautiful——fullofprimitivepassion——"

`Isn"titqueerthatshealwayslikeslittlethings？——shemustalwaysworksmallthings，thatonecanputbetweenone"shands，birdsandtinyanimals。Shelikestolookthroughthewrongendoftheoperaglasses，andseetheworldthatway——whyisit，doyouthink？"

HermionelookeddownatUrsulawiththatlong，detachedscrutinisinggazethatexcitedtheyoungerwoman。

`Yes，"saidHermioneatlength。`Itiscurious。Thelittlethingsseemtobemoresubtletoher——"

`Buttheyaren"t，arethey？Amouseisn"tanymoresubtlethanalion，isit？"

AgainHermionelookeddownatUrsulawiththatlongscrutiny，asifshewerefollowingsometrainofthoughtofherown，andbarelyattendingtotheother"sspeech。

`Idon"tknow，"shereplied。

`Rupert，Rupert，"shesangmildly，callinghimtoher。Heapproachedinsilence。

`Arelittlethingsmoresubtlethanbigthings？"sheasked，withtheoddgruntoflaughterinhervoice，asifsheweremakinggameofhiminthequestion。

`Dunno，"hesaid。

`Ihatesubtleties，"saidUrsula。

Hermionelookedatherslowly。

`Doyou？"shesaid。

`Ialwaysthinktheyareasignofweakness，"saidUrsula，upinarms，asifherprestigewerethreatened。

Hermionetooknonotice。Suddenlyherfacepuckered，herbrowwasknitwiththought，sheseemedtwistedintroublesomeeffortforutterance。

`Doyoureallythink，Rupert，"sheasked，asifUrsulawerenotpresent，`doyoureallythinkitisworthwhile？Doyoureallythinkthechildrenarebetterforbeingrousedtoconsciousness？"

Adarkflashwentoverhisface，asilentfury。Hewashollow—cheekedandpale，almostunearthly。Andthewoman，withherserious，conscience—harrowingquestiontorturedhimonthequick。

`Theyarenotrousedtoconsciousness，"hesaid。`Consciousnesscomestothem，willy—nilly。"

`Butdoyouthinktheyarebetterforhavingitquickened，stimulated？

Isn"titbetterthattheyshouldremainunconsciousofthehazel，isn"titbetterthattheyshouldseeasawhole，withoutallthispullingtopieces，allthisknowledge？"

`Wouldyourather，foryourself，knowornotknow，thatthelittleredflowersarethere，puttingoutforthepollen？"heaskedharshly。Hisvoicewasbrutal，scornful，cruel。

Hermioneremainedwithherfaceliftedup，abstracted。Hehungsilentinirritation。

`Idon"tknow，"shereplied，balancingmildly。`Idon"tknow。"

`Butknowingiseverythingtoyou，itisallyourlife，"hebrokeout。

Sheslowlylookedathim。

`Isit？"shesaid。

`Toknow，thatisyourall，thatisyourlife——youhaveonlythis，thisknowledge，"hecried。`Thereisonlyonetree，thereisonlyonefruit，inyourmouth。"

Againshewassometimesilent。

`Isthere？"shesaidatlast，withthesameuntouchedcalm。Andtheninatoneofwhimsicalinquisitiveness:`Whatfruit，Rupert？"

`Theeternalapple，"herepliedinexasperation，hatinghisownmetaphors。

`Yes，"shesaid。Therewasalookofexhaustionabouther。Forsomemomentstherewassilence。Then，pullingherselftogetherwithaconvulsedmovement，Hermioneresumed，inasing—song，casualvoice:

`Butleavingmeapart，Rupert;doyouthinkthechildrenarebetter，richer，happier，forallthisknowledge;doyoureallythinktheyare？

Orisitbettertoleavethemuntouched，spontaneous。Hadn"ttheybetterbeanimals，simpleanimals，crude，violent，anything，ratherthanthisself—consciousness，thisincapacitytobespontaneous。"

Theythoughtshehadfinished。Butwithaqueerrumblinginherthroatsheresumed，`Hadn"ttheybetterbeanythingthangrowupcrippled，crippledintheirsouls，crippledintheirfeelings——sothrownback——soturnedbackonthemselves——incapable——"Hermioneclenchedherfistlikeoneinatrance——`ofanyspontaneousaction，alwaysdeliberate，alwaysburdenedwithchoice，nevercarriedaway。"

Againtheythoughtshehadfinished。Butjustashewasgoingtoreply，sheresumedherqueerrhapsody——`nevercarriedaway，outofthemselves，alwaysconscious，alwaysself—conscious，alwaysawareofthemselves。Isn"tanythingbetterthanthis？Betterbeanimals，mereanimalswithnomindatall，thanthis，thisnothingness——"

`Butdoyouthinkitisknowledgethatmakesusunlivingandselfconscious？"

heaskedirritably。

Sheopenedhereyesandlookedathimslowly。

`Yes，"shesaid。Shepaused，watchinghimallthewhile，hereyesvague。

Thenshewipedherfingersacrossherbrow，withavagueweariness。Itirritatedhimbitterly。`Itisthemind，"shesaid，`andthatisdeath。"

Sheraisedhereyesslowlytohim:`Isn"tthemind——"shesaid，withtheconvulsedmovementofherbody，`isn"titourdeath？Doesn"titdestroyallourspontaneity，allourinstincts？Arenottheyoungpeoplegrowinguptoday，reallydeadbeforetheyhaveachancetolive？"

`Notbecausetheyhavetoomuchmind，buttoolittle，"hesaidbrutally。

`Areyousure？"shecried。`Itseemstomethereverse。Theyareoverconscious，burdenedtodeathwithconsciousness。"

`Imprisonedwithinalimited，falsesetofconcepts，"hecried。

Butshetooknonoticeofthis，onlywentonwithherownrhapsodicinterrogation。

`Whenwehaveknowledge，don"tweloseeverythingbutknowledge？"sheaskedpathetically。`IfIknowabouttheflower，don"tIlosetheflowerandhaveonlytheknowledge？Aren"tweexchangingthesubstancefortheshadow，aren"tweforfeitinglifeforthisdeadqualityofknowledge？Andwhatdoesitmeantome，afterall？Whatdoesallthisknowingmeantome？Itmeansnothing。"

`Youaremerelymakingwords，"hesaid;`knowledgemeanseverythingtoyou。Evenyouranimalism，youwantitinyourhead。Youdon"twanttobeananimal，youwanttoobserveyourownanimalfunctions，togetamentalthrilloutofthem。Itisallpurelysecondary——andmoredecadentthanthemosthide—boundintellectualism。Whatisitbuttheworstandlastformofintellectualism，thisloveofyoursforpassionandtheanimalinstincts？Passionandtheinstincts——youwantthemhardenough，butthroughyourhead，inyourconsciousness。Italltakesplaceinyourhead，underthatskullofyours。Onlyyouwon"tbeconsciousofwhatactuallyis:youwanttheliethatwillmatchtherestofyourfurniture。"

Hermionesethardandpoisonousagainstthisattack。Ursulastoodcoveredwithwonderandshame。Itfrightenedher，toseehowtheyhatedeachother。

`It"sallthatLadyofShalottbusiness，"hesaid，inhisstrongabstractvoice。Heseemedtobechargingherbeforetheunseeingair。`You"vegotthatmirror，yourownfixedwill，yourimmortalunderstanding，yourowntightconsciousworld，andthereisnothingbeyondit。There，inthemirror，youmusthaveeverything。Butnowyouhavecometoallyourconclusions，youwanttogobackandbelikeasavage，withoutknowledge。Youwantalifeofpuresensationand"passion。""

Hequotedthelastwordsatiricallyagainsther。Shesatconvulsedwithfuryandviolation，speechless，likeastrickenpythonessoftheGreekoracle。

`Butyourpassionisalie，"hewentonviolently。`Itisn"tpassionatall，itisyourwill。It"syourbullyingwill。Youwanttoclutchthingsandhavetheminyourpower。Youwanttohavethingsinyourpower。

Andwhy？Becauseyouhaven"tgotanyrealbody，anydarksensualbodyoflife。Youhavenosensuality。Youhaveonlyyourwillandyourconceitofconsciousness，andyourlustforpower，toknow。"

Helookedatherinmingledhateandcontempt，alsoinpainbecauseshesuffered，andinshamebecauseheknewhetorturedher。Hehadanimpulsetokneelandpleadforforgiveness。Butabittererredangerburneduptofuryinhim。Hebecameunconsciousofher，hewasonlyapassionatevoicespeaking。

`Spontaneous！"hecried。`Youandspontaneity！You，themostdeliberatethingthateverwalkedorcrawled！You"dbeverilydeliberatelyspontaneous——that"syou。Becauseyouwanttohaveeverythinginyourownvolition，yourdeliberatevoluntaryconsciousness。Youwantitallinthatloathsomelittleskullofyours，thatoughttobecrackedlikeanut。Foryou"llbethesametillitiscracked，likeaninsectinitsskin。Ifonecrackedyourskullperhapsonemightgetaspontaneous，passionatewomanoutofyou，withrealsensuality。Asitis，whatyouwantispornography——lookingatyourselfinmirrors，watchingyournakedanimalactionsinmirrors，sothatyoucanhaveitallinyourconsciousness，makeitallmental。"

Therewasasenseofviolationintheair，asiftoomuchwassaid，theunforgivable。YetUrsulawasconcernednowonlywithsolvingherownproblems，inthelightofhiswords。Shewaspaleandabstracted。

`Butdoyoureallywantsensuality？"sheasked，puzzled。

Birkinlookedather，andbecameintentinhisexplanation。

`Yes，"hesaid，`thatandnothingelse，atthispoint。Itisafulfilment——thegreatdarkknowledgeyoucan"thaveinyourhead——thedarkinvoluntarybeing。Itisdeathtoone"sself——butitisthecomingintobeingofanother。"

`Buthow？Howcanyouhaveknowledgenotinyourhead？"sheasked，quiteunabletointerprethisphrases。

`Intheblood，"heanswered;`whenthemindandtheknownworldisdrownedindarknesseverythingmustgo——theremustbethedeluge。Thenyoufindyourselfapalpablebodyofdarkness，ademon——"

`ButwhyshouldIbeademon——？"sheasked。

`"Womanwailingforherdemonlover"——"hequoted——`why，I

don"tknow。"

Hermionerousedherselfasfromadeath——annihilation。

`Heissuchadreadfulsatanist，isn"the？"shedrawledtoUrsula，inaqueerresonantvoice，thatendedonashrilllittlelaughofpureridicule。Thetwowomenwerejeeringathim，jeeringhimintonothingness。

Thelaughoftheshrill，triumphantfemalesoundedfromHermione，jeeringhimasifhewereaneuter。

`No，"hesaid。`Youaretherealdevilwhowon"tletlifeexist。"

Shelookedathimwithalong，slowlook，malevolent，supercilious。

`Youknowallaboutit，don"tyou？"shesaid，withslow，cold，cunningmockery。

`Enough，"hereplied，hisfacefixingfineandclearlikesteel。Ahorribledespair，andatthesametimeasenseofrelease，liberation，cameoverHermione。SheturnedwithapleasantintimacytoUrsula。

`YouaresureyouwillcometoBreadalby？"shesaid，urging。

`Yes，Ishouldliketoverymuch，"repliedUrsula。

Hermionelookeddownather，gratified，reflecting，andstrangelyabsent，asifpossessed，asifnotquitethere。

`I"msoglad，"shesaid，pullingherselftogether。`Sometimeinaboutafortnight。Yes？Iwillwritetoyouhere，attheschool，shallI？Yes。

Andyou"llbesuretocome？Yes。Ishallbesoglad。Good—bye！Good—bye！"

Hermioneheldoutherhandandlookedintotheeyesoftheotherwoman。

SheknewUrsulaasanimmediaterival，andtheknowledgestrangelyexhilaratedher。Alsoshewastakingleave。Italwaysgaveherasenseofstrength，advantage，tobedepartingandleavingtheotherbehind。Moreovershewastakingthemanwithher，ifonlyinhate。

Birkinstoodaside，fixedandunreal。Butnow，whenitwashisturntobidgood—bye，hebegantospeakagain。

`There"sthewholedifferenceintheworld，"hesaid，`betweentheactualsensualbeing，andtheviciousmental—deliberateprofligacyourlotgoesinfor。Inournight—time，there"salwaystheelectricityswitchedon，wewatchourselves，wegetitallinthehead，really。You"vegottolapseoutbeforeyoucanknowwhatsensualrealityis，lapseintounknowingness，andgiveupyourvolition。You"vegottodoit。You"vegottolearnnot—to—be，beforeyoucancomeintobeing。

`Butwehavegotsuchaconceitofourselves——that"swhereitis。

Wearesoconceited，andsounproud。We"vegotnopride，we"reallconceit，soconceitedinourownpapier—macherealisedselves。We"dratherdiethangiveupourlittleself—righteousself—opinionatedself—will。"

Therewassilenceintheroom。Bothwomenwerehostileandresentful。