第15章

`It"sDiana，isit，"mutteredGerald。`Theyoungmonkey，she"dhavetobeuptosomeofhertricks。"

Andheglancedagainatthepaddle，theboatwasnotgoingquicklyenoughforhim。ItmadeGudrunalmosthelplessattherowing，thisnervousstress。

Shekeptupwithallhermight。Stillthevoiceswerecallingandanswering。

`Where，where？Thereyouare——that"sit。Which？No——No—o—o。Damnitall，here，here——"Boatswerehurryingfromalldirectionstothescene，colouredlanternscouldbeseenwavingclosetothesurfaceofthelake，reflectionsswayingaftertheminunevenhaste。Thesteamerhootedagain，forsomeunknownreason。Gudrun"sboatwastravellingquickly，thelanternswereswingingbehindGerald。

Andthenagaincamethechild"shigh，screamingvoice，withanoteofweepingandimpatienceinitnow:

`Di——OhDi——OhDi——Di——！"

Itwasaterriblesound，comingthroughtheobscureairoftheevening。

`You"dbebetterifyouwereinbed，Winnie，"Geraldmutteredtohimself。

Hewasstoopingunlacinghisshoes，pushingthemoffwiththefoot。

Thenhethrewhissofthatintothebottomoftheboat。

`Youcan"tgointothewaterwithyourhurthand，"saidGudrun，panting，inalowvoiceofhorror。

`What？Itwon"thurt。"

Hehadstruggledoutofhisjacket，andhaddroppeditbetweenhisfeet。

Hesatbare—headed，allinwhitenow。Hefeltthebeltathiswaist。Theywerenearingthelaunch，whichstoodstillbigabovethem，hermyriadlampsmakinglovelydarts，andsinuousrunningtonguesofuglyredandgreenandyellowlightonthelustrousdarkwater，undertheshadow。

`Ohgetherout！OhDi，darling！Ohgetherout！OhDaddy，OhDaddy！"moanedthechild"svoice，indistraction。Somebodywasinthewater，withalifebelt。Twoboatspaddlednear，theirlanternsswingingineffectually，theboatsnosinground。

`Hithere——Rockley！——hithere！"

`MrGerald！"camethecaptain"sterrifiedvoice。`MissDiana"sinthewater。"

`Anybodygoneinforher？"cameGerald"ssharpvoice。

`YoungDoctorBrindell，sir。"

`Where？"

`Can"tseenosignsofthem，sir。Everybody"slooking，butthere"snothingsofar。"

Therewasamoment"sominouspause。

`Wheredidshegoin？"

`Ithink——aboutwherethatboatis，"cametheuncertainanswer，`thatonewithredandgreenlights。"

`Rowthere，"saidGeraldquietlytoGudrun。

`Getherout，Gerald，ohgetherout，"thechild"svoicewascryinganxiously。Hetooknoheed。

`Leanbackthatway，"saidGeraldtoGudrun，ashestoodupinthefrailboat。`Shewon"tupset。"

Inanothermoment，hehaddroppedcleandown，softandplumb，intothewater。Gudrunwasswayingviolentlyinherboat，theagitatedwatershookwithtransientlights，sherealisedthatitwasfaintlymoonlight，andthathewasgone。Soitwaspossibletobegone。Aterriblesenseoffatalityrobbedherofallfeelingandthought。Sheknewhewasgoneoutoftheworld，therewasmerelythesameworld，andabsence，hisabsence。Thenightseemedlargeandvacuous。Lanternsswayedhereandthere，peopleweretalkinginanundertoneonthelaunchandintheboats。ShecouldhearWinifredmoaning:`OhdofindherGerald，dofindher，"andsomeonetryingtocomfortthechild。Gudrunpaddledaimlesslyhereandthere。Theterrible，massive，cold，boundlesssurfaceofthewaterterrifiedherbeyondwords。

Wouldhenevercomeback？Shefeltshemustjumpintothewatertoo，toknowthehorroralso。

Shestarted，hearingsomeonesay:`Thereheis。"Shesawthemovementofhisswimming，likeawater—rat。Andsherowedinvoluntarilytohim。

Buthewasnearanotherboat，abiggerone。Stillsherowedtowardshim。

Shemustbeverynear。Shesawhim——helookedlikeaseal。Helookedlikeasealashetookholdofthesideoftheboat。Hisfairhairwaswasheddownonhisroundhead，hisfaceseemedtoglistensuavely。Shecouldhearhimpanting。

Thenheclamberedintotheboat。Oh，andthebeautyofthesubjectionofhisloins，whiteanddimlyluminousasbeclimbedoverthesideoftheboat，madeherwanttodie，todie。Thebeautyofhisdimandluminousloinsasbeclimbedintotheboat，hisbackroundedandsoft——ah，thiswastoomuchforher，toofinalavision。Sheknewit，anditwasfatalTheterriblehopelessnessoffate，andofbeauty，suchbeauty！

Hewasnotlikeamantoher，hewasanincarnation，agreatphaseoflife。Shesawhimpressthewateroutofhisface，andlookatthebandageonhishand。Andsheknewitwasallnogood，andthatshewouldnevergobeyondhim，hewasthefinalapproximationoflifetoher。

`Putthelightsout，weshallseebetter，"camehisvoice，suddenandmechanicalandbelongingtotheworldofman。Shecouldscarcelybelievetherewasaworldofman。Sheleanedroundandblewoutherlanterns。Theyweredifficulttoblowout。Everywherethelightsweregonesavethecolouredpointsonthesidesofthelaunch。Theblueygrey，earlynightspreadlevelaround，themoonwasoverhead，therewereshadowsofboatshereandthere。

Againtherewasasplash，andhewasgoneunder。Gudrunsat，sickatheart，frightenedofthegreat，levelsurfaceofthewater，soheavyanddeadly。Shewassoalone，withthelevel，unlivingfieldofthewaterstretchingbeneathher。Itwasnotagoodisolation，itwasaterrible，coldseparationofsuspense。Shewassuspendeduponthesurfaceoftheinsidiousrealityuntilsuchtimeasshealsoshoulddisappearbeneathit。

Thensheknew，byastirringofvoices，thathehadclimbedoutagain，intoaboat。Shesatwantingconnectionwithhim。Strenuouslysheclaimedherconnectionwithhim，acrosstheinvisiblespaceofthewater。Butroundherheartwasanisolationunbearable，throughwhichnothingwouldpenetrate。

`Takethelaunchin。It"snousekeepingherthere。Getlinesforthedragging，"camethedecisive，instrumentalvoice，thatwasfullofthesoundoftheworld。

Thelaunchbegangraduallytobeatthewaters。

`Gerald！Gerald！"camethewildcryingvoiceofWinifred。Hedidnotanswer。Slowlythelaunchdriftedroundinapathetic，clumsycircle，andslunkawaytotheland，retreatingintothedimness。Thewashofherpaddlesgrewduller。Gudrunrockedinherlightboat，anddippedthepaddleautomaticallytosteadyherself。

`Gudrun？"calledUrsula"svoice。

`Ursula！"

Theboatsofthetwosisterspulledtogether。

`WhereisGerald？"saidGudrun。

`He"sdivedagain，"saidUrsulaplaintively。`AndIknowheoughtnot，withhishurthandandeverything。"

`I"lltakehiminhomethistime，"saidBirkin。

Theboatsswayedagainfromthewashofsteamer。GudrunandUrsulakeptalook—outforGerald。

`Thereheis！"criedUrsula，whohadthesharpesteyes。Hehadnotbeenlongunder。Birkinpulledtowardshim，Gudrunfollowing。Heswamslowly，andcaughtholdoftheboatwithhiswoundedhand。Itslipped，andhesankback。

`Whydon"tyouhelphim？"criedUrsulasharply。

Hecameagain，andBirkinleanedtohelphimintotheboat。GudrunagainwatchedGeraldclimboutofthewater，butthistimeslowly，heavily，withtheblindclamberingmotionsofanamphibiousbeast，clumsy。Againthemoonshonewithfaintluminosityonhiswhitewetfigure，onthestoopingbackandtheroundedloins。Butitlookeddefeatednow，hisbody，itclamberedandfellwithslowclumsiness。Hewasbreathinghoarselytoo，likeananimalthatissuffering。Hesatslackandmotionlessintheboat，hisheadbluntandblindlikeaseal"s，hiswholeappearanceinhuman，unknowing。Gudrunshudderedasshemechanicallyfollowedhisboat。Birkinrowedwithoutspeakingtothelanding—stage。

`Whereareyougoing？"Geraldaskedsuddenly，asifjustwakingup。

`Home，"saidBirkin。

`Ohno！"saidGeraldimperiously。`Wecan"tgohomewhilethey"reinthewater。Turnbackagain，I"mgoingtofindthem。"Thewomenwerefrightened，hisvoicewassoimperativeanddangerous，almostmad，nottobeopposed。

`No！"saidBirkin。`Youcan"t。"Therewasastrangefluidcompulsioninhisvoice。Geraldwassilentinabattleofwills。Itwasasifhewouldkilltheotherman。ButBirkinrowedevenlyandunswerving，withaninhumaninevitability。

`Whyshouldyouinterfere？"saidGerald，inhate。

Birkindidnotanswer。Herowedtowardstheland。AndGeraldsatmute，likeadumbbeast，panting，histeethchattering，hisarmsinert，hisheadlikeaseal"shead。

Theycametothelanding—stage。Wetandnaked—looking，Geraldclimbedupthefewsteps。Therestoodhisfather，inthenight。

`Father！"hesaid。

`Yesmyboy？Gohomeandgetthosethingsoff。"

`Weshan"tsavethem，father，"saidGerald。

`There"shopeyet，myboy。"

`I"mafraidnot。There"snoknowingwheretheyare。Youcan"tfindthem。

Andthere"sacurrent，ascoldashell。"

`We"llletthewaterout，"saidthefather。`Gohomeyouandlooktoyourself。Seethathe"slookedafter，Rupert，"headdedinaneutralvoice。

`Wellfather，I"msorry。I"msorry。I"mafraidit"smyfault。Butitcan"tbehelped;I"vedonewhatIcouldforthemoment。Icouldgoondiving，ofcourse——notmuch，though——andnotmuchuse——"

Hemovedawaybarefoot，ontheplanksoftheplatform。Thenhetrodonsomethingsharp。

`Ofcourse，you"vegotnoshoeson，"saidBirkin。

`Hisshoesarehere！"criedGudrunfrombelow。Shewasmakingfastherboat。

Geraldwaitedforthemtobebroughttohim。Gudruncamewiththem。

Hepulledthemonhisfeet。

`Ifyouoncedie，"hesaid，`thenwhenit"sover，it"sfinished。Whycometolifeagain？There"sroomunderthatwaterthereforthousands。"

`Twoisenough，"shesaidmurmuring。

Hedraggedonhissecondshoe。Hewasshiveringviolently，andhisjawshookashespoke。

`That"strue，"hesaid，`maybe。Butit"scurioushowmuchroomthereseems，awholeuniverseunderthere;andascoldashell，you"reashelplessasifyourheadwascutoff。"Hecouldscarcelyspeak，heshooksoviolently。

`There"sonethingaboutourfamily，youknow，"hecontinued。`Onceanythinggoeswrong，itcanneverbeputrightagain——notwithus。I"venoticeditallmylife——youcan"tputathingright，onceithasgonewrong。"

Theywerewalkingacrossthehigh—roadtothehouse。

`Anddoyouknow，whenyouaredownthere，itissocold，actually，andsoendless，sodifferentreallyfromwhatitisontop，soendless——youwonderhowitissomanyarealive，whywe"reuphere。Areyougoing？

Ishallseeyouagain，shan"tI？Good—night，andthankyou。Thankyouverymuch！"

Thetwogirlswaitedawhile，toseeiftherewereanyhope。Themoonshoneclearlyoverhead，withalmostimpertinentbrightness，thesmalldarkboatsclusteredonthewater，therewerevoicesandsubduedshouts。Butitwasalltonopurpose。GudrunwenthomewhenBirkinreturned。

Hewascommissionedtoopenthesluicethatletoutthewaterfromthelake，whichwaspiercedatoneend，nearthehigh—road，thusservingasareservoirtosupplywithwaterthedistantmines，incaseofnecessity。

`Comewithme，"hesaidtoUrsula，`andthenIwillwalkhomewithyou，whenI"vedonethis。"

Hecalledatthewater—keeper"scottageandtookthekeyofthesluice。

Theywentthroughalittlegatefromthehigh—road，totheheadofthewater，wherewasagreatstonebasinwhichreceivedtheoverflow，andaflightofstonestepsdescendedintothedepthsofthewateritself。Attheheadofthestepswasthelockofthesluice—gate。

Thenightwassilver—greyandperfect，saveforthescatteredrestlesssoundofvoices。Thegreysheenofthemoonlightcaughtthestretchofwater，darkboatsplashedandmoved。ButUrsula"smindceasedtobereceptive，everythingwasunimportantandunreal。

Birkinfixedtheironhandleofthesluice，andturneditwithawrench。

Thecogsbeganslowlytorise。Heturnedandturned，likeaslave，hiswhitefigurebecamedistinct。Ursulalookedaway。Shecouldnotbeartoseehimwindingheavilyandlaboriously，bendingandrisingmechanicallylikeaslave，turningthehandle。

Then，arealshocktoher，therecamealoudsplashingofwaterfromoutofthedark，tree—filledhollowbeyondtheroad，asplashingthatdeepenedrapidlytoaharshroar，andthenbecameaheavy，boomingnoiseofagreatbodyofwaterfallingsolidlyallthetime。Itoccupiedthewholeofthenight，thisgreatsteadyboomingofwater，everythingwasdrownedwithinit，drownedandlost。Ursulaseemedtohavetostruggleforherlife。Sheputherhandsoverherears，andlookedatthehighblandmoon。

`Can"twegonow？"shecriedtoBirkin，whowaswatchingthewateronthesteps，toseeifitwouldgetanylower。Itseemedtofascinatehim。

Helookedatherandnodded。

Thelittledarkboatshadmovednearer，peoplewerecrowdingcuriouslyalongthehedgebythehigh—road，toseewhatwastobeseen。BirkinandUrsulawenttothecottagewiththekey，thenturnedtheirbacksonthelake。Shewasingreathaste。Shecouldnotbeartheterriblecrushingboomoftheescapingwater。

`Doyouthinktheyaredead？"shecriedinahighvoice，tomakeherselfheard。

`Yes，"hereplied。

`Isn"tithorrible！"

Hepaidnoheed。Theywalkedupthehill，furtherandfurtherawayfromthenoise。

`Doyoumindverymuch？"sheaskedhim。

`Idon"tmindaboutthedead，"hesaid，`oncetheyaredead。Theworstofitis，theyclingontotheliving，andwon"tletgo。"

Sheponderedforatime。

`Yes，"shesaid。`Thefactofdeathdoesn"treallyseemtomattermuch，doesit？"

`No，"hesaid。`WhatdoesitmatterifDianaCrichisaliveordead？"

`Doesn"tit？"shesaid，shocked。

`No，whyshouldit？Bettersheweredead——she"llbemuchmorereal。

She"llbepositiveindeath。Inlifeshewasafretting，negatedthing。"

`Youareratherhorrible，"murmuredUrsula。

`No！I"dratherDianaCrichweredead。Herlivingsomehow，wasallwrong。

Asfortheyoungman，poordevil——he"llfindhiswayoutquicklyinsteadofslowly。Deathisallright——nothingbetter。"

`Yetyoudon"twanttodie，"shechallengedhim。

Hewassilentforatime。Thenhesaid，inavoicethatwasfrighteningtoherinitschange:

`Ishouldliketobethroughwithit——Ishouldliketobethroughwiththedeathprocess。"

`Andaren"tyou？"askedUrsulanervously。

Theywalkedonforsomewayinsilence，underthetrees。Thenhesaid，slowly，asifafraid:

`Thereislifewhichbelongstodeath，andthereislifewhichisn"tdeath。Oneistiredofthelifethatbelongstodeath——ourkindoflife。

Butwhetheritisfinished，Godknows。Iwantlovethatislikesleep，likebeingbornagain，vulnerableasababythatjustcomesintotheworld。"

Ursulalistened，halfattentive，halfavoidingwhathesaid。Sheseemedtocatchthedriftofhisstatement，andthenshedrewaway。Shewantedtohear，butshedidnotwanttobeimplicated。Shewasreluctanttoyieldthere，wherehewantedher，toyieldasitwereherveryidentity。

`Whyshouldlovebelikesleep？"sheaskedsadly。

`Idon"tknow。Sothatitislikedeath——Idowanttodiefromthislife——andyetitismorethanlifeitself。Oneisdeliveredoverlikeanakedinfantfromthewomb，alltheolddefencesandtheoldbodygone，andnewairaroundone，thathasneverbeenbreathedbefore。"

Shelistened，makingoutwhathesaid。Sheknew，aswellasheknew，thatwordsthemselvesdonotconveymeaning，thattheyarebutagesturewemake，adumbshowlikeanyother。Andsheseemedtofeelhisgesturethroughherblood，andshedrewback，eventhoughherdesiresentherforward。

`But，"shesaidgravely，`didn"tyousayyouwantedsomethingthatwasnotlove——somethingbeyondlove？"

Heturnedinconfusion。Therewasalwaysconfusioninspeech。Yetitmustbespoken。Whicheverwayonemoved，ifoneweretomoveforwards，onemustbreakawaythrough。Andtoknow，togiveutterance，wastobreakawaythroughthewallsoftheprisonastheinfantinlabourstrivesthroughthewallsofthewomb。Thereisnonewmovementnow，withoutthebreakingthroughoftheoldbody，deliberately，inknowledge，inthestruggletogetout。

`Idon"twantlove，"hesaid。`Idon"twanttoknowyou。Iwanttobegoneoutofmyself，andyoutobelosttoyourself，sowearefounddifferent。

Oneshouldn"ttalkwhenoneistiredandwretched。OneHamletises，anditseemsalie。OnlybelievemewhenIshowyouabitofhealthyprideandinsouciance。Ihatemyselfserious。"

`Whyshouldn"tyoubeserious？"shesaid。

Hethoughtforaminute，thenhesaid，sulkily:

`Idon"tknow。"Thentheywalkedoninsilence，atouts。Hewasvagueandlost。

`Isn"titstrange，"shesaid，suddenlyputtingherhandonhisarm，withalovingimpulse，`howwealwaystalklikethis！Isupposewedoloveeachother，insomeway。"

`Ohyes，"hesaid;`toomuch。"

Shelaughedalmostgaily。

`You"dhavetohaveityourownway，wouldn"tyou？"sheteased。`Youcouldnevertakeitontrust。"

Hechanged，laughedsoftly，andturnedandtookherinhisarms，inthemiddleoftheroad。

`Yes，"hesaidsoftly。

Andhekissedherfaceandbrow，slowly，gently，withasortofdelicatehappinesswhichsurprisedherextremely，andtowhichshecouldnotrespond。

Theyweresoft，blindkisses，perfectintheirstillness。Yetsheheldbackfromthem。Itwaslikestrangemoths，verysoftandsilent，settlingonherfromthedarknessofhersoul。Shewasuneasy。Shedrewaway。

`Isn"tsomebodycoming？"shesaid。

Sotheylookeddownthedarkroad，thensetoffagainwalkingtowardsBeldover。Thensuddenly，toshowhimshewasnoshallowprude，shestoppedandheldhimtight，hardagainsther，andcoveredhisfacewithhard，fiercekissesofpassion。Inspiteofhisotherness，theoldbloodbeatupinhim。

`Notthis，notthis，"hewhimperedtohimself，asthefirstperfectmoodofsoftnessandsleep—lovelinessebbedbackawayfromtherushingofpassionthatcameuptohislimbsandoverhisfaceasshedrewhim。

Andsoonhewasaperfecthardflameofpassionatedesireforher。Yetinthesmallcoreoftheflamewasanunyieldinganguishofanotherthing。

Butthisalsowaslost;heonlywantedher，withanextremedesirethatseemedinevitableasdeath，beyondquestion。

Then，satisfiedandshattered，fulfilledanddestroyed，hewenthomeawayfromher，driftingvaguelythroughthedarkness，lapsedintotheoldfireofburningpassion。Faraway，faraway，thereseemedtobeasmalllamentinthedarkness。Butwhatdiditmatter？Whatdiditmatter，whatdidanythingmattersavethisultimateandtriumphantexperienceofphysicalpassion，thathadblazedupanewlikeanewspelloflife。`Iwasbecomingquitedead—alive，nothingbutaword—bag，"hesaidintriumph，scorninghisotherself。Yetsomewherefaroffandsmall，theotherhovered。

Themenwerestilldraggingthelakewhenhegotback。HestoodonthebankandheardGerald"svoice。Thewaterwasstillboominginthenight，themoonwasfair，thehillsbeyondwereelusive。Thelakewassinking。

Therecametherawsmellofthebanks，inthenightair。

UpatShortlandstherewerelightsinthewindows，asifnobodyhadgonetobed。Onthelanding—stagewastheolddoctor，thefatheroftheyoungmanwhowaslost。Hestoodquitesilent，waiting。Birkinalsostoodandwatched，Geraldcameupinaboat。

`Youstillhere，Rupert？"hesaid。`Wecan"tgetthem。Thebottomslopes，youknow，verysteep。Thewaterliesbetweentwoverysharpslopes，withlittlebranchvalleys，andGodknowswherethedriftwilltakeyou。Itisn"tasifitwasalevelbottom。Youneverknowwhereyouare，withthedragging。"

`Isthereanyneedforyoutobeworking？"saidBirkin。`Wouldn"titbemuchbetterifyouwenttobed？"

`Tobed！GoodGod，doyouthinkIshouldsleep？We"llfind"em，beforeIgoawayfromhere。"

`Butthemenwouldfindthemjustthesamewithoutyou——whyshouldyouinsist？"

Geraldlookedupathim。ThenheputhishandaffectionatelyonBirkin"sshoulder，saying:

`Don"tyoubotheraboutme，Rupert。Ifthere"sanybody"shealthtothinkabout，it"syours，notmine。Howdoyoufeelyourself？"

`Verywell。Butyou，youspoilyourownchanceoflife——youwasteyourbestself。"

Geraldwassilentforamoment。Thenhesaid:

`Wasteit？Whatelseistheretodowithit？"

`Butleavethis，won"tyou？Youforceyourselfintohorrors，andputamill—stoneofbeastlymemoriesroundyourneck。Comeawaynow。"

`Amill—stoneofbeastlymemories！"Geraldrepeated。ThenheputhishandagainaffectionatelyonBirkin"sshoulder。`God，you"vegotsuchatellingwayofputtingthings，Rupert，youhave。"

Birkin"sheartsank。Hewasirritatedandwearyofhavingatellingwayofputtingthings。

`Won"tyouleaveit？Comeovertomyplace"——heurgedasoneurgesadrunkenman。

`No，"saidGeraldcoaxingly，hisarmacrosstheotherman"sshoulder。

`Thanksverymuch，Rupert——Ishallbegladtocometomorrow，ifthat"lldo。Youunderstand，don"tyou？Iwanttoseethisjobthrough。ButI"llcometomorrow，rightenough。Oh，I"drathercomeandhaveachatwithyouthan——thandoanythingelse，Iverilybelieve。Yes，Iwould。Youmeanalottome，Rupert，morethanyouknow。"

`WhatdoImean，morethanIknow？"askedBirkinirritably。HewasacutelyawareofGerald"shandonhisshoulder。Andhedidnotwantthisaltercation。

Hewantedtheothermantocomeoutoftheuglymisery。

`I"lltellyouanothertime，"saidGeraldcoaxingly。

`Comealongwithmenow——Iwantyoutocome，"saidBirkin。

Therewasapause，intenseandreal。Birkinwonderedwhyhisownheartbeatsoheavily。ThenGerald"sfingersgrippedhardandcommunicativeintoBirkin"sshoulder，ashesaid:

`No，I"llseethisjobthrough，Rupert。Thankyou——Iknowwhatyoumean。We"reallright，youknow，youandme。"

`Imaybeallright，butI"msureyou"renot，muckingabouthere，"saidBirkin。Andhewentaway。

Thebodiesofthedeadwerenotrecoveredtilltowardsdawn。Dianahadherarmstightroundtheneckoftheyoungman，chokinghim。

`Shekilledhim，"saidGerald。

Themoonslopeddowntheskyandsankatlast。Thelakewassunktoquartersize，ithadhorriblerawbanksofclay，thatsmelledofrawrottenishwater。Dawnrousedfaintlybehindtheeasternhill。Thewaterstillboomedthroughthesluice。

Asthebirdswerewhistlingforthefirstmorning，andthehillsatthebackofthedesolatelakestoodradiantwiththenewmists，therewasastragglingprocessionuptoShortlands，menbearingthebodiesonastretcher，Geraldgoingbesidethem，thetwogrey—beardedfathersfollowinginsilence。

Indoorsthefamilywasallsittingup，waiting。Somebodymustgototellthemother，inherroom。Thedoctorinsecretstruggledtobringbackhisson，tillhehimselfwasexhausted。

OveralltheoutlyingdistrictwasahushofdreadfulexcitementonthatSundaymorning。Thecollierypeoplefeltasifthiscatastrophehadhappeneddirectlytothemselves，indeedtheyweremoreshockedandfrightenedthaniftheirownmenhadbeenkilled。SuchatragedyinShortlands，thehighhomeofthedistrict！Oneoftheyoungmistresses，persistingindancingonthecabinroofofthelaunch，wilfulyoungmadam，drownedinthemidstofthefestival，withtheyoungdoctor！EverywhereontheSundaymorning，thecollierswanderedabout，discussingthecalamity。AtalltheSundaydinnersofthepeople，thereseemedastrangepresence。Itwasasiftheangelofdeathwereverynear，therewasasenseofthesupernaturalintheair。Themenhadexcited，startledfaces，thewomenlookedsolemn，someofthemhadbeencrying。Thechildrenenjoyedtheexcitementatfirst。

Therewasanintensityintheair，almostmagical。Didallenjoyit？Didallenjoythethrill？

GudrunhadwildideasofrushingtocomfortGerald。Shewasthinkingallthetimeoftheperfectcomforting，reassuringthingtosaytohim。

Shewasshockedandfrightened，butsheputthataway，thinkingofhowsheshoulddeportherselfwithGerald:actherpart。Thatwastherealthrill:howsheshouldactherpart。

UrsulawasdeeplyandpassionatelyinlovewithBirkin，andshewascapableofnothing。Shewasperfectlycallousaboutallthetalkoftheaccident，butherestrangedairlookedliketrouble。Shemerelysatbyherself，whenevershecould，andlongedtoseehimagain。Shewantedhimtocometothehouse，——shewouldnothaveitotherwise，hemustcomeatonce。Shewaswaitingforhim。Shestayedindoorsallday，waitingforhimtoknockatthedoor。Everyminute，sheglancedautomaticallyatthewindow。Hewouldbethere。

WomenInLove:Chapter15CHAPTERXVSundayEveningASTHEDAYworeon，thelife—bloodseemedtoebbawayfromUrsula，andwithintheemptinessaheavydespairgathered。Herpassionseemedtobleedtodeath，andtherewasnothing。Shesatsuspendedinastateofcompletenullity，hardertobearthandeath。

`Unlesssomethinghappens，"shesaidtoherself，intheperfectlucidityoffinalsuffering，`Ishalldie。Iamattheendofmylineoflife。"

Shesatcrushedandobliteratedinadarknessthatwastheborderofdeath。Sherealisedhowallherlifeshehadbeendrawingnearerandnearertothisbrink，wheretherewasnobeyond，fromwhichonehadtoleaplikeSapphointotheunknown。Theknowledgeoftheimminenceofdeathwaslikeadrug。Darkly，withoutthinkingatall，sheknewthatshewasneartodeath。Shehadtravelledallherlifealongthelineoffulfilment，anditwasnearlyconcluded。Sheknewallshehadtoknow，shehadexperiencedallshehadtoexperience，shewasfulfilledinakindofbitterripeness，thereremainedonlytofallfromthetreeintodeath。Andonemustfulfilone"sdevelopmenttotheend，mustcarrytheadventuretoitsconclusion。

Andthenextstepwasovertheborderintodeath。Soitwasthen！Therewasacertainpeaceintheknowledge。

Afterall，whenonewasfulfilled，onewashappiestinfallingintodeath，asabitterfruitplungesinitsripenessdownwards。Deathisagreatconsummation，aconsummatingexperience。Itisadevelopmentfromlife。Thatweknow，whileweareyetliving。Whatthenneedwethinkforfurther？Onecanneverseebeyondtheconsummation。Itisenoughthatdeathisagreatandconclusiveexperience。Whyshouldweaskwhatcomesaftertheexperience，whentheexperienceisstillunknowntous？Letusdie，sincethegreatexperienceistheonethatfollowsnowuponalltherest，death，whichisthenextgreatcrisisinfrontofwhichwehavearrived。