第16章

Ifwewait，ifwebaulktheissue，wedobuthangaboutthegatesinundignifieduneasiness。Thereitis，infrontofus，asinfrontofSappho，theillimitablespace。Thereintogoesthejourney。Havewenotthecouragetogoonwithourjourney，mustwecry`Idaren"t"？Onaheadwewillgo，intodeath，andwhateverdeathmaymean。Ifamancanseethenextsteptobetaken，whyshouldhefearthenextbutone？Whyaskaboutthenextbutone？Ofthenextstepwearecertain。Itisthestepintodeath。

`Ishalldie——Ishallquicklydie，"saidUrsulatoherself，clearasifinatrance，clear，calm，andcertainbeyondhumancertainty。Butsomewherebehind，inthetwilight，therewasabitterweepingandahopelessness。

Thatmustnotbeattendedto。Onemustgowheretheunfalteringspiritgoes，theremustbenobaulkingtheissue，becauseoffear。Nobaulkingtheissue，nolisteningtothelesservoices。Ifthedeepestdesirebenow，togoonintotheunknownofdeath，shalloneforfeitthedeepesttruthforonemoreshallow？

`Thenletitend，"shesaidtoherself。Itwasadecision。Itwasnotaquestionoftakingone"slife——shewouldneverkillherself，thatwasrepulsiveandviolent。Itwasaquestionofknowingthenextstep。Andthenextstepledintothespaceofdeath。Didit？——orwasthere——？

Herthoughtsdriftedintounconsciousness，shesatasifasleepbesidethefire。Andthenthethoughtcameback。Thespaceo"death！Couldshegiveherselftoit？Ahyes——itwasasleep。ShehadhadenoughSolongshehadheldout;andresisted。Nowwasthetimetorelinquish，nottoresistanymore。

Inakindofspiritualtrance，sheyielded，shegaveway，andallwasdark。Shecouldfeel，withinthedarkness，theterribleassertionofherbody，theunutterableanguishofdissolution，theonlyanguishthatistoomuch，thefar—off，awfulnauseaofdissolutionsetinwithinthebody。

`Doesthebodycorrespondsoimmediatelywiththespirit？"sheaskedherself。Andsheknew，withtheclarityofultimateknowledge，thatthebodyisonlyoneofthemanifestationsofthespirit，thetransmutationoftheintegralspiritisthetransmutationofthephysicalbodyaswell。

UnlessIsetmywill，unlessIabsolvemyselffromtherhythmoflife，fixmyselfandremainstatic，cutofffromliving，absolvedwithinmyownwill。Butbetterdiethanlivemechanicallyalifethatisarepetitionofrepetitions。Todieistomoveonwiththeinvisible。Todieisalsoajoy，ajoyofsubmittingtothatwhichisgreaterthantheknown，namely，thepureunknown。Thatisajoy。Buttolivemechanisedandcutoffwithinthemotionofthewill，toliveasanentityabsolvedfromtheunknown，thatisshamefulandignominious。Thereisnoignominyindeath。Thereiscompleteignominyinanunreplenished，mechanisedlife。Lifeindeedmaybeignominious，shamefultothesoul。Butdeathisneverashame。Deathitself，liketheillimitablespace，isbeyondoursullying。

TomorrowwasMonday。Monday，thebeginningofanotherschool—week！Anothershameful，barrenschool—week，mereroutineandmechanicalactivity。Wasnottheadventureofdeathinfinitelypreferable？Wasnotdeathinfinitelymorelovelyandnoblethansuchalife？Alifeofbarrenroutine，withoutinnermeaning，withoutanyrealsignificance。Howsordidlifewas，howitwasaterribleshametothesoul，tolivenow！Howmuchcleanerandmoredignifiedtobedead！Onecouldnotbearanymoreofthisshameofsordidroutineandmechanicalnullity。Onemightcometofruitindeath。

Shehadhadenough。Forwherewaslifetobefound？Noflowersgrowuponbusymachinery，thereisnoskytoaroutine，thereisnospacetoarotarymotion。Andalllifewasarotarymotion，mechanised，cutofffromreality。

Therewasnothingtolookforfromlife——itwasthesameinallcountriesandallpeoples。Theonlywindowwasdeath。Onecouldlookoutontothegreatdarkskyofdeathwithelation，asonehadlookedoutoftheclassroomwindowasachild，andseenperfectfreedomintheoutside。Nowonewasnotachild，andoneknewthatthesoulwasaprisonerwithinthissordidvastedificeoflife，andtherewasnoescape，saveindeath。

Butwhatajoy！Whatagladnesstothinkthatwhateverhumanitydid，itcouldnotseizeholdofthekingdomofdeath，tonullifythat。Theseatheyturnedintoamurderousalleyandasoiledroadofcommerce，disputedlikethedirtylandofacityeveryinchofit。Theairtheyclaimedtoo，shareditup，parcelleditouttocertainowners，theytrespassedintheairtofightforit。Everythingwasgone，walledin，withspikesontopofthewalls，andonemustignominiouslycreepbetweenthespikywallsthroughalabyrinthoflife。

Butthegreat，dark，illimitablekingdomofdeath，therehumanitywasputtoscorn。Somuchtheycoulddouponearth，themultifariouslittlegodsthattheywere。Butthekingdomofdeathputthemalltoscorn，theydwindledintotheirtruevulgarsillinessinfaceofit。

Howbeautiful，howgrandandperfectdeathwas，howgoodtolookforwardto。Thereonewouldwashoffalltheliesandignominyanddirtthathadbeenputupononehere，aperfectbathofcleannessandgladrefreshment，andgounknown，unquestioned，unabased。Afterall，onewasrich，ifonlyinthepromiseofperfectdeath。Itwasagladnessaboveall，thatthisremainedtolookforwardto，thepureinhumanothernessofdeath。

Whateverlifemightbe，itcouldnottakeawaydeath，theinhumantranscendentdeath。Oh，letusasknoquestionofit，whatitisorisnot。Toknowishuman，andindeathwedonotknow，wearenothuman。Andthejoyofthiscompensatesforallthebitternessofknowledgeandthesordidnessofourhumanity。Indeathweshallnotbehuman，andweshallnotknow。

Thepromiseofthisisourheritage，welookforwardlikeheirstotheirmajority。

Ursulasatquitestillandquiteforgotten，alonebythefireinthedrawing—room。Thechildrenwereplayinginthekitchen，alltheothersweregonetochurch。Andshewasgoneintotheultimatedarknessofherownsoul。

Shewasstartledbyhearingthebellring，awayinthekitchen，thechildrencamescuddingalongthepassageindeliciousalarm。

`Ursula，there"ssomebody。"

`Iknow。Don"tbesilly，"shereplied。Shetoowasstartled，almostfrightened。Shedaredhardlygotothedoor。

Birkinstoodonthethreshold，hisrain—coatturneduptohisears。

Hehadcomenow，nowshewasgonefaraway。Shewasawareoftherainynightbehindhim。

`Ohisityou？"shesaid。

`Iamgladyouareathome，"hesaidinalowvoice，enteringthehouse。

`Theyareallgonetochurch。"

Hetookoffhiscoatandhungitup。Thechildrenwerepeepingathimroundthecorner。

`Goandgetundressednow，BillyandDora，"saidUrsula。`Motherwillbebacksoon，andshe"llbedisappointedifyou"renotinbed。"

Thechildren，inasuddenangelicmood，retiredwithoutaword。BirkinandUrsulawentintothedrawing—room。

Thefireburnedlow。Helookedatherandwonderedattheluminousdelicacyofherbeauty，andthewideshiningofhereyes。Hewatchedfromadistance，withwonderinhisheart，sheseemedtransfiguredwithlight。

`Whathaveyoubeendoingallday？"heaskedher。

`Onlysittingabout，"shesaid。

Helookedather。Therewasachangeinher。Butshewasseparatefromhim。Sheremainedapart，inakindofbrightness。Theybothsatsilentinthesoftlightofthelamp。Hefeltheoughttogoawayagain，heoughtnottohavecome。Stillhedidnotgatherenoughresolutiontomove。Buthewasdetrop，hermoodwasabsentandseparate。

Thentherecamethevoicesofthetwochildrencallingshylyoutsidethedoor，softly，withself—excitedtimidity:

`Ursula！Ursula！"

Sheroseandopenedthedoor。Onthethresholdstoodthetwochildrenintheirlongnightgowns，withwide—eyed，angelicfaces。Theywerebeingverygoodforthemoment，playingtheroleperfectlyoftwoobedientchildren。

`Shallyoutakeustobed！"saidBilly，inaloudwhisper。

`Whyyouareangelstonight，"shesaidsoftly。`Won"tyoucomeandsaygood—nighttoMrBirkin？"

Thechildrenmergedshylyintotheroom，onbarefeet。Billy"sfacewaswideandgrinning，buttherewasagreatsolemnityofbeinggoodinhisroundblueeyes。Dora，peepingfromtheflossofherfairhair，hungbacklikesometinyDryad，thathasnosoul。

`Willyousaygood—nighttome？"askedBirkin，inavoicethatwasstrangelysoftandsmooth。Doradriftedawayatonce，likealeafliftedonabreathofwind。ButBillywentsoftlyforward，slowandwilling，liftinghispinched—upmouthimplicitlytobekissed。Ursulawatchedthefull，gatheredlipsofthemangentlytouchthoseoftheboy，sogently。ThenBirkinliftedhisfingersandtouchedtheboy"sround，confidingcheek，withafainttouchoflove。Neitherspoke。Billyseemedangeliclikeacherubboy，orlikeanacolyte，Birkinwasatall，graveangellookingdowntohim。

`Areyougoingtobekissed？"Ursulabrokein，speakingtothelittlegirl。ButDoraedgedawaylikeatinyDryadthatwillnotbetouched。

`Won"tyousaygood—nighttoMrBirkin？Go，he"swaitingforyou，"saidUrsula。Butthegirl—childonlymadealittlemotionawayfromhim。

`SillyDora，sillyDora！"saidUrsula。

Birkinfeltsomemistrustandantagonisminthesmallchild。Hecouldnotunderstandit。

`Comethen，"saidUrsula。`Letusgobeforemothercomes。"

`Who"llhearussayourprayers？"askedBillyanxiously。

`Whomyoulike。"

`Won"tyou？"

`Yes，Iwill。"

`Ursula？"

`WellBilly？"

`Isitwhomyoulike？"

`That"sit。"

`Wellwhatiswhom？"

`It"stheaccusativeofwho。"

Therewasamoment"scontemplativesilence，thentheconfiding:

`Isit？"

Birkinsmiledtohimselfashesatbythefire。WhenUrsulacamedownhesatmotionless，withhisarmsonhisknees。Shesawhim，howhewasmotionlessandageless，likesomecrouchingidol，someimageofadeathlyreligion。Helookedroundather，andhisface，verypaleandunreal，seemedtogleamwithawhitenessalmostphosphorescent。

`Don"tyoufeelwell？"sheasked，inindefinablerepulsion。

`Ihadn"tthoughtaboutit。"

`Butdon"tyouknowwithoutthinkingaboutit？"

Helookedather，hiseyesdarkandswift，andhesawherrevulsion。

Hedidnotanswerherquestion。

`Don"tyouknowwhetheryouareunwellornot，withoutthinkingaboutit？"shepersisted。

`Notalways，"hesaidcoldly。

`Butdon"tyouthinkthat"sverywicked？"

`Wicked？"

`Yes。Ithinkit"scriminaltohavesolittleconnectionwithyourownbodythatyoudon"tevenknowwhenyouareill。"

Helookedatherdarkly。

`Yes，"hesaid。

`Whydon"tyoustayinbedwhenyouareseedy？Youlookperfectlyghastly。"

`Offensivelyso？"heaskedironically。

`Yes，quiteoffensive。Quiterepelling。"

`Ah！！Wellthat"sunfortunate。"

`Andit"sraining，andit"sahorriblenight。Really，youshouldn"tbeforgivenfortreatingyourbodylikeit——yououghttosuffer，amanwhotakesaslittlenoticeofhisbodyasthat。"

`——takesaslittlenoticeofhisbodyasthat，"heechoedmechanically。

Thiscuthershort，andtherewassilence。

Theotherscameinfromchurch，andthetwohadthegirlstoface，thenthemotherandGudrun，andthenthefatherandtheboy。

`Good—evening，"saidBrangwen，faintlysurprised。`Cametoseeme，didyou？"

`No，"saidBirkin，`notaboutanything，inparticular，thatis。Thedaywasdismal，andIthoughtyouwouldn"tmindifIcalledin。"

`Ithasbeenadepressingday，"saidMrsBrangwensympathetically。

Atthatmomentthevoicesofthechildrenwereheardcallingfromupstairs:

`Mother！Mother！"Sheliftedherfaceandansweredmildlyintothedistance:

`Ishallcomeuptoyouinaminute，Doysie。"ThentoBirkin:`ThereisnothingfreshatShortlands，Isuppose？Ah，"shesighed，`no，poorthings，Ishouldthinknot。"

`You"vebeenovertheretoday，Isuppose？"askedthefather。

`Geraldcameroundtoteawithme，andIwalkedbackwithhim。Thehouseisoverexcitedandunwholesome，Ithought。"

`Ishouldthinktheywerepeoplewhohadn"tmuchrestraint，"saidGudrun。

`Ortoomuch，"Birkinanswered。

`Ohyes，I"msure，"saidGudrun，almostvindictively，`oneortheother。"

`Theyallfeeltheyoughttobehaveinsomeunnaturalfashion，"saidBirkin。`Whenpeopleareingrief，theywoulddobettertocovertheirfacesandkeepinretirement，asintheolddays。"

`Certainly！"criedGudrun，flushedandinflammable。`Whatcanbeworsethanthispublicgrief——whatismorehorrible，morefalse！Ifgriefisnotprivate，andhidden，whatis？"

`Exactly，"hesaid。`IfeltashamedwhenIwasthereandtheywereallgoingaboutinalugubriousfalseway，feelingtheymustnotbenaturalorordinary。"

`Well——"saidMrsBrangwen，offendedatthiscriticism，`itisn"tsoeasytobearatroublelikethat。"

Andshewentupstairstothechildren。

Heremainedonlyafewminuteslonger，thentookhisleave。WhenhewasgoneUrsulafeltsuchapoignanthatredofhim，thatallherbrainseemedturnedintoasharpcrystaloffinehatred。Herwholenatureseemedsharpenedandintensifiedintoapuredartofhate。Shecouldnotimaginewhatitwas。Itmerelytookholdofher，themostpoignantandultimatehatred，pureandclearandbeyondthought。Shecouldnotthinkofitatall，shewastranslatedbeyondherself。Itwaslikeapossession。Shefeltshewaspossessed。Andforseveraldaysshewentaboutpossessedbythisexquisiteforceofhatredagainsthim。Itsurpassedanythingshehadeverknownbefore，itseemedtothrowheroutoftheworldintosometerribleregionwherenothingofheroldlifeheldgood。Shewasquitelostanddazed，reallydeadtoherownlife。

Itwassocompletelyincomprehensibleandirrational。Shedidnotknowwhyshehatedhim，herhatewasquiteabstract。Shehadonlyrealisedwithashockthatstunnedher，thatshewasovercomebythispuretransportation。

Hewastheenemy，fineasadiamond，andashardandjewel—like，thequintessenceofallthatwasinimical。

Shethoughtofhisface，whiteandpurelywrought，andofhiseyesthathadsuchadark，constantwillofassertion，andshetouchedherownforehead，tofeelifsheweremad，shewassotransfiguredinwhiteflameofessentialhate。

Itwasnottemporal，herhatred，shedidnothatehimforthisorforthat;shedidnotwanttodoanythingtohim，tohaveanyconnectionwithhim。Herrelationwasultimateandutterlybeyondwords，thehatewassopureandgemlike。Itwasasifhewereabeamofessentialenmity，abeamoflightthatdidnotonlydestroyher，butdeniedheraltogether，revokedherwholeworld。Shesawhimasaclearstrokeofuttermostcontradiction，astrangegem—likebeingwhoseexistencedefinedherownnon—existence。

Whensheheardhewasillagain，herhatredonlyintensifieditselfafewdegrees，ifthatwerepossible。Itstunnedherandannihilatedher，butshecouldnotescapeit。Shecouldnotescapethistransfigurationofhatredthathadcomeuponher。

WomenInLove:Chapter16CHAPTERXVIMantoManHELAYsickandunmoved，inpureoppositiontoeverything。Heknewhowneartobreakingwasthevesselthatheldhislife。

Heknewalsohowstronganddurableitwas。Andhedidnotcare。Betterathousandtimestakeone"schancewithdeath，thanacceptalifeonedidnotwant。Butbestofalltopersistandpersistandpersistforever，tilloneweresatisfiedinlife。

HeknewthatUrsulawasreferredbacktohim。Heknewhisliferestedwithher。Buthewouldrathernotlivethanacceptthelovesheproffered。

Theoldwayofloveseemedadreadfulbondage，asortofconscription。

Whatitwasinhimhedidnotknow，butthethoughtoflove，marriage，andchildren，andalifelivedtogether，inthehorribleprivacyofdomesticandconnubialsatisfaction，wasrepulsive。Hewantedsomethingclearer，moreopen，cooler，asitwere。Thehotnarrowintimacybetweenmanandwifewasabhorrent。Thewaytheyshuttheirdoors，thesemarriedpeople，andshutthemselvesintotheirownexclusivealliancewitheachother，eveninlove，disgustedhim。Itwasawholecommunityofmistrustfulcouplesinsulatedinprivatehousesorprivaterooms，alwaysincouples，andnofurtherlife，nofurtherimmediate，nodisinterestedrelationshipadmitted:

akaleidoscopeofcouples，disjoined，separatist，meaninglessentitiesofmarriedcouples。True，hehatedpromiscuityevenworsethanmarriage，andaliaisonwasonlyanotherkindofcoupling，reactionaryfromthelegalmarriage。Reactionwasagreaterborethanaction。

Onthewhole，hehatedsex，itwassuchalimitation。Itwassexthatturnedamanintoabrokenhalfofacouple，thewomanintotheotherbrokenhalf。Andhewantedtobesingleinhimself，thewomansingleinherself。

Hewantedsextoreverttotheleveloftheotherappetites，toberegardedasafunctionalprocess，notasafulfilment。Hebelievedinsexmarriage。

Butbeyondthis，hewantedafurtherconjunction，wheremanhadbeingandwomanhadbeing，twopurebeings，eachconstitutingthefreedomoftheother，balancingeachotherliketwopolesofoneforce，liketwoangels，ortwodemons。

Hewantedsomuchtobefree，notunderthecompulsionofanyneedforunification，ortorturedbyunsatisfieddesire。Desireandaspirationshouldfindtheirobjectwithoutallthistorture，asnow，inaworldofplentyofwater，simplethirstisinconsiderable，satisfiedalmostunconsciously。

AndhewantedtobewithUrsulaasfreeaswithhimself，singleandclearandcool，yetbalanced，polarisedwithher。Themerging，theclutching，theminglingoflovewasbecomemadlyabhorrenttohim。

Butitseemedtohim，womanwasalwayssohorribleandclutching，shehadsuchalustforpossession，agreedofself—importanceinlove。Shewantedtohave，toown，tocontrol，tobedominant。Everythingmustbereferredbacktoher，toWoman，theGreatMotherofeverything，outofwhomproceededeverythingandtowhomeverythingmustfinallyberenderedup。

Itfilledhimwithalmostinsanefury，thiscalmassumptionoftheMagnaMater，thatallwashers，becauseshehadborneit。Manwashersbecauseshehadbornehim。AMaterDolorosa，shehadbornehim，aMagnaMater，shenowclaimedhimagain，soulandbody，sex，meaning，andall。HehadahorroroftheMagnaMater，shewasdetestable。

Shewasonaveryhighhorseagain，waswoman，theGreatMother。DidhenotknowitinHermione。Hermione，thehumble，thesubservient，whatwassheallthewhilebuttheMaterDolorosa，inhersubservience，claimingwithhorrible，insidiousarroganceandfemaletyranny，herownagain，claimingbackthemanshehadborneinsuffering。Byherverysufferingandhumilitysheboundhersonwithchains，sheheldhimhereverlastingprisoner。

AndUrsula，Ursulawasthesame——ortheinverse。Shetoowastheawful，arrogantqueenoflife，asifshewereaqueenbeeonwhomalltherestdepended。Hesawtheyellowflareinhereyes，heknewtheunthinkableoverweeningassumptionofprimacyinher。Shewasunconsciousofitherself。

Shewasonlytooreadytoknockherheadonthegroundbeforeaman。Butthiswasonlywhenshewassocertainofherman，thatshecouldworshiphimasawomanworshipsherowninfant，withaworshipofperfectpossession。

Itwasintolerable，thispossessionatthehandsofwoman。Alwaysamanmustbeconsideredasthebrokenofffragmentofawoman，andthesexwasthestillachingscarofthelaceration。Manmustbeaddedontoawoman，beforehehadanyrealplaceorwholeness。

Andwhy？Whyshouldweconsiderourselves，menandwomen，asbrokenfragmentsofonewhole？Itisnottrue。Wearenotbrokenfragmentsofonewhole。Ratherwearethesinglingawayintopurityandclearbeing，ofthingsthatweremixed。Ratherthesexisthatwhichremainsinusofthemixed，theunresolved。Andpassionisthefurtherseparatingofthismixture，thatwhichismanlybeingtakenintothebeingoftheman，thatwhichiswomanlypassingtothewoman，tillthetwoareclearandwholeasangels，theadmixtureofsexinthehighestsensesurpassed，leavingtwosinglebeingsconstellatedtogetherliketwostars。

Intheoldage，beforesexwas，weweremixed，eachoneamixture。Theprocessofsinglingintoindividualityresultedintothegreatpolarisationofsex。Thewomanlydrewtooneside，themanlytotheother。Buttheseparationwasimperfecteventhem。Andsoourworld—cyclepasses。Thereisnowtocomethenewday，whenwearebeingseachofus，fulfilledindifference。

Themanispureman，thewomanpurewoman，theyareperfectlypolarised。

Butthereisnolongeranyofthehorriblemerging，minglingself—abnegationoflove。Thereisonlythepuredualityofpolarisation，eachonefreefromanycontaminationoftheother。Ineach，theindividualisprimal，sexissubordinate，butperfectlypolarised。Eachhasasingle，separatebeing，withitsownlaws。Themanhashispurefreedom，thewomanhers。

Eachacknowledgestheperfectionofthepolarisedsex—circuit。Eachadmitsthedifferentnatureintheother。

SoBirkinmeditatedwhilsthewasill。Helikedsometimestobeillenoughtotaketohisbed。Forthenhegotbetterveryquickly，andthingscametohimclearandsure。

Whilsthewaslaidup，Geraldcametoseehim。Thetwomenhadadeep，uneasyfeelingforeachother。Gerald"seyeswerequickandrestless，hiswholemannertenseandimpatient，heseemedstrunguptosomeactivity。

Accordingtoconventionality，heworeblackclothes，helookedformal，handsomeandcommeilfaut。Hishairwasfairalmosttowhiteness，sharplikesplintersoflight，hisfacewaskeenandruddy，hisbodyseemedfullofnorthernenergy。GeraldreallylovedBirkin，thoughheneverquitebelievedinhim。Birkinwastoounreal;——clever，whimsical，wonderful，butnotpracticalenough。Geraldfeltthathisownunderstandingwasmuchsounderandsafer。Birkinwasdelightful，awonderfulspirit，butafterall，nottobetakenseriously，notquitetobecountedasamanamongmen。

`Whyareyoulaidupagain？"heaskedkindly，takingthesickman"shand。ItwasalwaysGeraldwhowasprotective，offeringthewarmshelterofhisphysicalstrength。

`Formysins，Isuppose，"Birkinsaid，smilingalittleironically。

`Foryoursins？Yes，probablythatisso。Youshouldsinless，andkeepbetterinhealth？"

`You"dbetterteachme。"

HelookedatGeraldwithironiceyes。

`Howarethingswithyou？"askedBirkin。

`Withme？"GeraldlookedatBirkin，sawhewasserious，andawarmlightcameintohiseyes。

`Idon"tknowthatthey"reanydifferent。Idon"tseehowtheycouldbe。There"snothingtochange。"

`Isupposeyouareconductingthebusinessassuccessfullyasever，andignoringthedemandofthesoul。"

`That"sit，"saidGerald。`Atleastasfarasthebusinessisconcerned。

Icouldn"tsayaboutthesoul，I"amsure。"

`No。"

`Surelyyoudon"texpectmeto？"laughedGerald。

`No。Howaretherestofyouraffairsprogressing，apartfromthebusiness？"

`Therestofmyaffairs？Whatarethose？Icouldn"tsay;Idon"tknowwhatyoureferto。"

`Yes，youdo，"saidBirkin。`Areyougloomyorcheerful？AndwhataboutGudrunBrangwen？"

`Whatabouther？"AconfusedlookcameoverGerald。`Well，"headded，`Idon"tknow。IcanonlytellyoushegavemeahitoverthefacelasttimeIsawher。"

`Ahitovertheface！Whatfor？"

`ThatIcouldn"ttellyou，either。"

`Really！Butwhen？"

`Thenightoftheparty——whenDianawasdrowned。Shewasdrivingthecattleupthehill，andIwentafterher——youremember。"

`Yes，Iremember。Butwhatmadeherdothat？Youdidn"tdefinitelyaskherforit，Isuppose？"

`I？No，notthatIknowof。Imerelysaidtoher，thatitwasdangeroustodrivethoseHighlandbullocks——asitis。Sheturnedinsuchaway，andsaid——"IsupposeyouthinkI"mafraidofyouandyourcattle，don"tyou？"SoIaskedher"why，"andforanswersheflungmeaback—handeracrosstheface。"

Birkinlaughedquickly，asifitpleasedhim。Geraldlookedathim，wondering，andbegantolaughaswell，saying:

`Ididn"tlaughatthetime，Iassureyou。Iwasneversotakenabackinmylife。"

`Andweren"tyoufurious？"

`Furious？IshouldthinkIwas。I"dhavemurderedherfortwopins。"

`H"m！"ejaculatedBirkin。`PoorGudrun，wouldn"tshesufferafterwardsforhavinggivenherselfaway！"Hewashugelydelighted。

`Wouldshesuffer？"askedGerald，alsoamusednow。

Bothmensmiledinmaliceandamusement。

`Badly，Ishouldthink;seeinghowself—conscioussheis。"

`Sheisself—conscious，isshe？Thenwhatmadeherdoit？ForIcertainlythinkitwasquiteuncalled—for，andquiteunjustified。"

`Isupposeitwasasuddenimpulse。"

`Yes，buthowdoyouaccountforherhavingsuchanimpulse？I"ddonehernoharm。"

Birkinshookhishead。

`TheAmazonsuddenlycameupinher，Isuppose，"hesaid。

`Well，"repliedGerald，`I"dratherithadbeentheOrinoco。"

Theybothlaughedatthepoorjoke。GeraldwasthinkinghowGudrunhadsaidshewouldstrikethelastblowtoo。ButsomereservemadehimkeepthisbackfromBirkin。

`Andyouresentit？"Birkinasked。

`Idon"tresentit。Idon"tcareatinker"scurseaboutit。"Hewassilentamoment，thenheadded，laughing。`No，I"llseeitthrough，that"sall。Sheseemedsorryafterwards。"

`Didshe？You"venotmetsincethatnight？"

Gerald"sfaceclouded。

`No，"hesaid。`We"vebeen——youcanimaginehowit"sbeen，sincetheaccident。"

`Yes。Isitcalmingdown？"

`Idon"tknow。It"sashock，ofcourse。ButIdon"tbelievemotherminds。

Ireallydon"tbelieveshetakesanynotice。Andwhat"ssofunny，sheusedtobeallforthechildren——nothingmattered，nothingwhatevermatteredbutthechildren。Andnow，shedoesn"ttakeanymorenoticethanifitwasoneoftheservants。"

`No？Diditupsetyouverymuch？"

`It"sashock。ButIdon"tfeelitverymuch，really。Idon"tfeelanydifferent。We"veallgottodie，anditdoesn"tseemtomakeanygreatdifference，anyhow，whetheryoudieornot。Ican"tfeelanygriefyouknow。Itleavesmecold。Ican"tquiteaccountforit。"

`Youdon"tcareifyoudieornot？"askedBirkin。

Geraldlookedathimwitheyesblueastheblue—fibredsteelofaweapon。

Hefeltawkward，butindifferent。Asamatteroffact，hedidcareterribly，withagreatfear。

`Oh，"hesaid，`Idon"twanttodie，whyshouldI？ButInevertrouble。

Thequestiondoesn"tseemtobeonthecarpetformeatall。Itdoesn"tinterestme，youknow。"

`Timormortisconturbatme，"quotedBirkin，adding——`No，deathdoesn"treallyseemthepointanymore。Itcuriouslydoesn"tconcernone。

It"slikeanordinarytomorrow。"

Geraldlookedcloselyathisfriend。Theeyesofthetwomenmet，andanunspokenunderstandingwasexchanged。

Geraldnarrowedhiseyes，hisfacewascoolandunscrupulousashelookedatBirkin，impersonally，withavisionthatendedinapointinspace，strangelykeen—eyedandyetblind。

`Ifdeathisn"tthepoint，"hesaid，inastrangelyabstract，cold，finevoice——`whatis？"Hesoundedasifhehadbeenfoundout。

`Whatis？"re—echoedBirkin。Andtherewasamockingsilence。

`There"slongwaytogo，afterthepointofintrinsicdeath，beforewedisappear，"saidBirkin。

`Thereis，"saidGerald。`Butwhatsortofway？"HeseemedtopresstheothermanforknowledgewhichhehimselfknewfarbetterthanBirkindid。

`Rightdowntheslopesofdegeneration——mystic，universaldegeneration。

Therearemanystagesofpuredegradationtogothrough:agelong。Weliveonlongafterourdeath，andprogressively，inprogressivedevolution。"

Geraldlistenedwithafaint，finesmileonhisface，allthetime，asif，somewhere，heknewsomuchbetterthanBirkin，allaboutthis:asifhisownknowledgeweredirectandpersonal，whereasBirkin"swasamatterofobservationandinference，notquitehittingthenailonthehead:——

thoughaimingnearenoughatit。Buthewasnotgoingtogivehimselfaway。

IfBirkincouldgetatthesecrets，lethim。Geraldwouldneverhelphim。

Geraldwouldbeadarkhorsetotheend。

`Ofcourse，"hesaid，withastartlingchangeofconversation，`itisfatherwhoreallyfeelsit。Itwillfinishhim。Forhimtheworldcollapses。

AllhiscarenowisforWinnie——hemustsaveWinnie。Hesayssheoughttobesentawaytoschool，butshewon"thearofit，andhe"llneverdoit。Ofcoursesheisinratheraqueerway。We"reallofuscuriouslybadatliving。Wecandothings——butwecan"tgetonwithlifeatall。

It"scurious——afamilyfailing。"

`Sheoughtn"ttobesentawaytoschool，"saidBirkin，whowasconsideringanewproposition。

`Sheoughtn"t。Why？"

`She"saqueerchild——aspecialchild，morespecialeventhanyou。

Andinmyopinionspecialchildrenshouldneverbesentawaytoschool。

Onlymoderatelyordinarychildrenshouldbesenttoschool——soitseemstome。"

`I"minclinedtothinkjusttheopposite。Ithinkitwouldprobablymakehermorenormalifshewentawayandmixedwithotherchildren。"

`Shewouldn"tmix，yousee。Youneverreallymixed，didyou？

Andshewouldn"tbewillingeventopretendto。She"sproud，andsolitary，andnaturallyapart。Ifshehasasinglenature，whydoyouwanttomakehergregarious？"

`No，Idon"twanttomakeheranything。ButIthinkschoolwouldbegoodforher。"