第11章

"Andyouhavecometoitnow？"

"Ishallhavetocometoit——presently。ButthereissomethingelseImustcometofirst。"Shepausedagain，tryingtotransmittohervoicethesteadinessofherrecoveredsmile。"ThereissomeoneImustsaygoodbyeto。Oh，notYOU——wearesuretoseeeachotheragain——buttheLilyBartyouknew。Ihavekeptherwithmeallthistime，butnowwearegoingtopart，andIhavebroughtherbacktoyou——Iamgoingtoleaveherhere。WhenIgooutpresentlyshewillnotgowithme。Ishallliketothinkthatshehasstayedwithyou——andshe’llbenotrouble，she’lltakeupnoroom。"

Shewenttowardhim，andputoutherhand，stillsmiling。"Willyouletherstaywithyou？"sheasked。

Hecaughtherhand，andshefeltinhisthevibrationoffeelingthathadnotyetrisentohislips。"Lily——can’tIhelpyou？"heexclaimed。

Shelookedathimgently。"Doyourememberwhatyousaidtomeonce？Thatyoucouldhelpmeonlybylovingme？Well——youdidlovemeforamoment；andithelpedme。Ithasalwayshelpedme。Butthemomentisgone——itwasIwholetitgo。Andonemustgoonliving。Goodbye。"

Shelaidherotherhandonhis，andtheylookedateachotherwithakindofsolemnity，asthoughtheystoodinthepresenceofdeath。Somethingintruthlaydeadbetweenthem——theloveshehadkilledinhimandcouldnolongercalltolife。Butsomethinglivedbetweenthemalso，andleapedupinherlikeanimperishableflame:itwasthelovehislovehadkindled，thepassionofhersoulforhis。

Initslighteverythingelsedwindledandfellawayfromher。Sheunderstoodnowthatshecouldnotgoforthandleaveheroldselfwithhim:thatselfmustindeedliveoninhispresence，butitmuststillcontinuetobehers。

Seldenhadretainedherhand，andcontinuedtoscrutinizeherwithastrangesenseofforeboding。Theexternalaspectofthesituationhadvanishedforhimascompletelyasforher:hefeltitonlyasoneofthoseraremomentswhichlifttheveilfromtheirfacesastheypass。

"Lily，"hesaidinalowvoice，"youmustn’tspeakinthisway。I

can’tletyougowithoutknowingwhatyoumeantodo。Thingsmaychange——buttheydon’tpass。Youcannevergooutofmylife。"

Shemethiseyeswithanilluminedlook。"No，"shesaid。"Iseethatnow。Letusalwaysbefriends。ThenIshallfeelsafe，whateverhappens。"

"Whateverhappens？Whatdoyoumean？Whatisgoingtohappen？"

Sheturnedawayquietlyandwalkedtowardthehearth。

"Nothingatpresent——exceptthatIamverycold，andthatbeforeIgoyoumustmakeupthefireforme。"

Shekneltonthehearth-rug，stretchingherhandstotheembers。

Puzzledbythesuddenchangeinhertone，hemechanicallygatheredahandfulofwoodfromthebasketandtosseditonthefire。Ashedidso，henoticedhowthinherhandslookedagainsttherisinglightoftheflames。Hesawtoo，underthelooselinesofherdress，howthecurvesofherfigurehadshrunktoangularity；herememberedlongafterwardhowtheredplayoftheflamesharpenedthedepressionofhernostrils，andintensifiedtheblacknessoftheshadowswhichstruckupfromhercheekbonestohereyes。Shekneltthereforafewmomentsinsilence；asilencewhichhedarednotbreak。Whensherosehefanciedthathesawherdrawsomethingfromherdressanddropitintothefire；buthehardlynoticedthegestureatthetime。Hisfacultiesseemedtranced，andhewasstillgropingforthewordtobreakthespell。Shewentuptohimandlaidherhandsonhisshoulders。"Goodbye，"shesaid，andashebentoverhershetouchedhisforeheadwithherlips。

Thestreet-lampswerelit，buttherainhadceased，andtherewasamomentaryrevivaloflightintheuppersky。Lilywalkedonunconsciousofhersurroundings。Shewasstilltreadingthebuoyantetherwhichemanatesfromthehighmomentsoflife。Butgraduallyitshrankawayfromherandshefeltthedullpavementbeneathherfeet。Thesenseofwearinessreturnedwithaccumulatedforce，andforamomentshefeltthatshecouldwalknofarther。ShehadreachedthecornerofForty-firstStreetandFifthAvenue，andsherememberedthatinBryantParktherewereseatswhereshemightrest。

Thatmelancholypleasure-groundwasalmostdesertedwhensheenteredit，andshesankdownonanemptybenchintheglareofanelectricstreet-lamp。Thewarmthofthefirehadpassedoutofherveins，andshetoldherselfthatshemustnotsitlonginthepenetratingdampnesswhichstruckupfromthewetasphalt。Butherwill-powerseemedtohavespentitselfinalastgreateffort，andshewaslostintheblankreactionwhichfollowsonanunwontedexpenditureofenergy。Andbesides，whatwastheretogohometo？Nothingbutthesilenceofhercheerlessroom——thatsilenceofthenightwhichmaybemorerackingtotirednervesthanthemostdiscordantnoises:that，andthebottleofchloralbyherbed。Thethoughtofthechloralwastheonlyspotoflightinthedarkprospect:shecouldfeelitslullinginfluencestealingoverheralready。Butshewastroubledbythethoughtthatitwaslosingitspower——shedarednotgobacktoittoosoon。Oflatethesleepithadbroughtherhadbeenmorebrokenandlessprofound；therehadbeennightswhenshewasperpetuallyfloatingupthroughittoconsciousness。Whatiftheeffectofthedrugshouldgraduallyfail，asallnarcoticsweresaidtofail？Sherememberedthechemist’swarningagainstincreasingthedose；andshehadheardbeforeofthecapriciousandincalculableactionofthedrug。Herdreadofreturningtoasleeplessnightwassogreatthatshelingeredon，hopingthatexcessivewearinesswouldreinforcethewaningpowerofthechloral。

Nighthadnowclosedin，andtheroaroftrafficinForty-secondStreetwasdyingout。Ascompletedarknessfellonthesquarethelingeringoccupantsofthebenchesroseanddispersed；butnowandthenastrayfigure，hurryinghomeward，struckacrossthepathwhereLilysat，loomingblackforamomentinthewhitecircleofelectriclight。Oneortwoofthesepassers-byslackenedtheirpacetoglancecuriouslyatherlonelyfigure；

butshewashardlyconsciousoftheirscrutiny。

Suddenly，however，shebecameawarethatoneofthepassingshadowsremainedstationarybetweenherlineofvisionandthegleamingasphalt；andraisinghereyesshesawayoungwomanbendingoverher。

"Excuseme——areyousick？——Why，it’sMissBart！"ahalf-familiarvoiceexclaimed。

Lilylookedup。Thespeakerwasapoorly-dressedyoungwomanwithabundleunderherarm。Herfacehadtheairofunwholesomerefinementwhichill-healthandover-workmayproduce，butitscommonprettinesswasredeemedbythestrongandgenerouscurveofthelips。

"Youdon’trememberme，"shecontinued，brighteningwiththepleasureofrecognition，"butI’dknowyouanywhere，I’vethoughtofyousuchalot。Iguessmyfolksallknowyournamebyheart。

IwasoneofthegirlsatMissFarish’sclub——youhelpedmetogotothecountrythattimeIhadlung-trouble。Myname’sNettieStruther。ItwasNettieCranethen——butIdaresayyoudon’trememberthateither。"

Yes:Lilywasbeginningtoremember。TheepisodeofNettieCrane’stimelyrescuefromdiseasehadbeenoneofthemostsatisfyingincidentsofherconnectionwithGerty’scharitablework。Shehadfurnishedthegirlwiththemeanstogotoasanatoriuminthemountains:itstruckhernowwithapeculiarironythatthemoneyshehadusedhadbeenGusTrenor’s。

Shetriedtoreply，toassurethespeakerthatshehadnotforgotten；buthervoicefailedintheeffort，andshefeltherselfsinkingunderagreatwaveofphysicalweakness。NettieStruther，withastartledexclamation，satdownandslippedashabbily-cladarmbehindherback。

"Why，MissBart，youAREsick。Justleanonmealittletillyoufeelbetter。"

AfaintglowofreturningstrengthseemedtopassintoLilyfromthepressureofthesupportingarm。

"I’monlytired——itisnothing，"shefoundvoicetosayinamoment；andthen，asshemetthetimidappealofhercompanion’seyes，sheaddedinvoluntarily:"Ihavebeenunhappy——ingreattrouble。"

"YOUintrouble？I’vealwaysthoughtofyouasbeingsohighup，whereeverythingwasjustgrand。Sometimes，whenIfeltrealmean，andgottowonderingwhythingsweresoqueerlyfixedintheworld，Iusedtorememberthatyouwerehavingalovelytime，anyhow，andthatseemedtoshowtherewasakindofjusticesomewhere。Butyoumustn’tsitheretoolong——it’sfearfullydamp。Don’tyoufeelstrongenoughtowalkonalittlewaysnow？"

shebrokeoff。

"Yes——yes；Imustgohome，"Lilymurmured，rising。

Hereyesrestedwonderinglyonthethinshabbyfigureatherside。ShehadknownNettieCraneasoneofthediscouragedvictimsofover-workandanaemicparentage:oneofthesuperfluousfragmentsoflifedestinedtobesweptprematurelyintothatsocialrefuse-heapofwhichLilyhadsolatelyexpressedherdread。ButNettieStruther’sfrailenvelopewasnowalivewithhopeandenergy:whateverfatethefuturereservedforher，shewouldnotbecastintotherefuse-heapwithoutastruggle。

"Iamverygladtohaveseenyou，"Lilycontinued，summoningasmiletoherunsteadylips。"It’llbemyturntothinkofyouashappy——andtheworldwillseemalessunjustplacetometoo。"

"Oh，butIcan’tleaveyoulikethis——you’renotfittogohomealone。AndIcan’tgowithyoueither！"NettieStrutherwailedwithastartofrecollection。"Yousee，it’smyhusband’snight-shift——he’samotor-man——andthefriendIleavethebabywithhastostepupstairstogetHERhusband’ssupperatseven。I

didn’ttellyouIhadababy，didI？She’llbefourmonthsolddayaftertomorrow，andtolookatheryouwouldn’tthinkI’deverhadasickday。I’dgiveanythingtoshowyouthebaby，MissBart，andweliverightdownthestreethere——it’sonlythreeblocksoff。"SheliftedhereyestentativelytoLily’sface，andthenaddedwithaburstofcourage:"Whywon’tyougetrightintothecarsandcomehomewithmewhileIgetbaby’ssupper？

It’srealwarminourkitchen，andyoucanrestthere，andI’lltakeYOUhomeassoonasevershedropsofftosleep。"

ItWASwarminthekitchen，which，whenNettieStruther’smatchhadmadeaflameleapfromthegas-jetabovethetable，revealeditselftoLilyasextraordinarilysmallandalmostmiraculouslyclean。Afireshonethroughthepolishedflanksoftheironstove，andnearitstoodacribinwhichababywassittingupright，withincipientanxietystrugglingforexpressiononacountenancestillplacidwithsleep。

Havingpassionatelycelebratedherreunionwithheroffspring，andexcusedherselfincrypticlanguageforthelatenessofherreturn，NettierestoredthebabytothecribandshylyinvitedMissBarttotherocking-chairnearthestove。

"We’vegotaparlourtoo，"sheexplainedwithpardonablepride；

"butIguessit’swarmerinhere，andIdon’twanttoleaveyoualonewhileI’mgettingbaby’ssupper。"

OnreceivingLily’sassurancethatshemuchpreferredthefriendlyproximityofthekitchenfire，Mrs。Strutherproceededtoprepareabottleofinfantilefood，whichshetenderlyappliedtothebaby’simpatientlips；andwhiletheensuingdegustationwenton，sheseatedherselfwithabeamingcountenancebesidehervisitor。

"You’resureyouwon’tletmewarmupadropofcoffeeforyou，MissBart？There’ssomeofbaby’sfreshmilkleftover——well，maybeyou’dratherjustsitquietandrestalittlewhile。It’stoolovelyhavingyouhere。I’vethoughtofitsooftenthatI

can’tbelieveit’sreallycometrue。I’vesaidtoGeorgeagainandagain:’IjustwishMissBartcouldseemeNOW——’andIusedtowatchforyournameinthepapers，andwe’dtalkoverwhatyouweredoing，andreadthedescriptionsofthedressesyouwore。I

haven’tseenyournameforalongtime，though，andIbegantobeafraidyouweresick，anditworriedmesothatGeorgesaidI’dgetsickmyself，frettingaboutit。"Herlipsbrokeintoareminiscentsmile。"Well，Ican’taffordtobesickagain，that’safact:thelastspellnearlyfinishedme。WhenyousentmeoffthattimeIneverthoughtI’dcomebackalive，andIdidn’tmuchcareifIdid。YouseeIdidn’tknowaboutGeorgeandthebabythen。"

Shepausedtoreadjustthebottletothechild’sbubblingmouth。

"Youprecious——don’tyoubeintoomuchofahurry！Wasitmadwithmommerforgettingitssuppersolate？MarryAnto’nette——that’swhatwecallher:aftertheFrenchqueeninthatplayattheGarden——ItoldGeorgetheactressremindedmeofyou，andthatmademefancythename……IneverthoughtI’dgetmarried，youknow，andI’dneverhavehadthehearttogoonworkingjustformyself。"

Shebrokeoffagain，andmeetingtheencouragementinLily’seyes，wenton，withaflushrisingunderheranaemicskin:"YouseeIwasn’tonlyjustSICKthattimeyousentmeoff——Iwasdreadfullyunhappytoo。I’dknownagentlemanwhereIwasemployed——Idon’tknowasyourememberIdidtype-writinginabigimportingfirm——and——well——Ithoughtweweretobemarried:

he’dgonesteadywithmesixmonthsandgivenmehismother’sweddingring。ButIpresumehewastoostylishforme——hetravelledforthefirm，andhadseenagreatdealofsociety。

Workgirlsaren’tlookedafterthewayyouare，andtheydon’talwaysknowhowtolookafterthemselves。Ididn’t……anditprettynearkilledmewhenhewentawayandleftoffwriting……ItwasthenIcamedownsick——Ithoughtitwastheendofeverything。Iguessitwouldhavebeenifyouhadn’tsentmeoff。

ButwhenIfoundIwasgettingwellIbegantotakeheartinspiteofmyself。Andthen，whenIgotbackhome，Georgecameroundandaskedmetomarryhim。AtfirstIthoughtIcouldn’t，becausewe’dbeenbroughtuptogether，andIknewheknewaboutme。ButafterawhileIbegantoseethatthatmadeiteasier。I

nevercouldhavetoldanotherman，andI’dneverhavemarriedwithouttelling；butifGeorgecaredformeenoughtohavemeasIwas，Ididn’tseewhyIshouldn’tbeginoveragain——andIdid。"

Thestrengthofthevictoryshoneforthfromherassheliftedherirradiatedfacefromthechildonherknees。"But，mercy，I

didn’tmeantogoonlikethisaboutmyself，withyousittingtherelookingsofaggedout。Onlyit’ssolovelyhavingyouhere，andlettingyouseejusthowyou’vehelpedme。"Thebabyhadsunkbackblissfullyreplete，andMrs。Struthersoftlyrosetolaythebottleaside。ThenshepausedbeforeMissBart。

"IonlywishIcouldhelpYOU——butIsupposethere’snothingonearthIcoulddo，"shemurmuredwistfully。

Lily，insteadofanswering，rosewithasmileandheldoutherarms；andthemother，understandingthegesture，laidherchildinthem。

Thebaby，feelingherselfdetachedfromherhabitualanchorage，madeaninstinctivemotionofresistance；butthesoothinginfluencesofdigestionprevailed，andLilyfeltthesoftweightsinktrustfullyagainstherbreast。Thechild’sconfidenceinitssafetythrilledherwithasenseofwarmthandreturninglife，andshebentover，wonderingattherosyblurofthelittleface，theemptyclearnessoftheeyes，thevaguetendrillymotionsofthefoldingandunfoldingfingers。Atfirsttheburdeninherarmsseemedaslightasapinkcloudoraheapofdown，butasshecontinuedtoholdittheweightincreased，sinkingdeeper，andpenetratingherwithastrangesenseofweakness，asthoughthechildenteredintoherandbecameapartofherself。

Shelookedup，andsawNettie’seyesrestingonherwithtendernessandexultation。

"Wouldn’titbetoolovelyforanythingifshecouldgrowuptobejustlikeyou？OfcourseIknowsheneverCOULD——butmothersarealwaysdreamingthecraziestthingsfortheirchildren。"

Lilyclaspedthechildcloseforamomentandlaidherbackinhermother’sarms。

"Oh，shemustnotdothat——Ishouldbeafraidtocomeandseehertoooften！"shesaidwithasmile；andthen，resistingMrs。

Struther’sanxiousofferofcompanionship，andreiteratingthepromisethatofcourseshewouldcomebacksoon，andmakeGeorge’sacquaintance，andseethebabyinherbath，shepassedoutofthekitchenandwentalonedownthetenementstairs。

Asshereachedthestreetsherealizedthatshefeltstrongerandhappier:thelittleepisodehaddonehergood。Itwasthefirsttimeshehadevercomeacrosstheresultsofherspasmodicbenevolence，andthesurprisedsenseofhumanfellowshiptookthemortalchillfromherheart。

Itwasnottillsheenteredherowndoorthatshefeltthereactionofadeeperloneliness。Itwaslongafterseveno’clock，andthelightandodoursproceedingfromthebasementmadeitmanifestthattheboarding-housedinnerhadbegun。Shehasteneduptoherroom，litthegas，andbegantodress。Shedidnotmeantopamperherselfanylonger，togowithoutfoodbecausehersurroundingsmadeitunpalatable。Sinceitwasherfatetoliveinaboarding-house，shemustlearntofallinwiththeconditionsofthelife。Neverthelessshewasgladthat，whenshedescendedtotheheatandglareofthedining-room，therepastwasnearlyover。

Inherownroomagain，shewasseizedwithasuddenfeverofactivity。Forweekspastshehadbeentoolistlessandindifferenttosetherpossessionsinorder，butnowshebegantoexaminesystematicallythecontentsofherdrawersandcupboard。

Shehadafewhandsomedressesleft——survivalsofherlastphaseofsplendour，ontheSabrinaandinLondon——butwhenshehadbeenobligedtopartwithhermaidshehadgiventhewomanagenerousshareofhercast-offapparel。Theremainingdresses，thoughtheyhadlosttheirfreshness，stillkeptthelongunerringlines，thesweepandamplitudeofthegreatartist’sstroke，andasshespreadthemoutonthebedthescenesinwhichtheyhadbeenwornrosevividlybeforeher。Anassociationlurkedineveryfold:

eachfalloflaceandgleamofembroiderywaslikealetterintherecordofherpast。Shewasstartledtofindhowtheatmosphereofheroldlifeenvelopedher。But，afterall，itwasthelifeshehadbeenmadefor:everydawningtendencyinherhadbeencarefullydirectedtowardit，allherinterestsandactivitieshadbeentaughttocentrearoundit。Shewaslikesomerareflowergrownforexhibition，aflowerfromwhicheverybudhadbeennippedexceptthecrowningblossomofherbeauty。

Lastofall，shedrewforthfromthebottomofhertrunkaheapofwhitedraperywhichfellshapelesslyacrossherarm。ItwastheReynoldsdressshehadwornintheBryTABLEAUX。Ithadbeenimpossibleforhertogiveitaway，butshehadneverseenitsincethatnight，andthelongflexiblefolds，assheshookthemout，gaveforthanodourofvioletswhichcametoherlikeabreathfromtheflower-edgedfountainwhereshehadstoodwithLawrenceSeldenanddisownedherfate。Sheputbackthedressesonebyone，layingawaywitheachsomegleamoflight，somenoteoflaughter，somestraywaftfromtherosyshoresofpleasure。Shewasstillinastateofhighly-wroughtimpressionability，andeveryhintofthepastsentalingeringtremoralonghernerves。

ShehadjustclosedhertrunkonthewhitefoldsoftheReynoldsdresswhensheheardatapatherdoor，andtheredfistoftheIrishmaid-servantthrustinabelatedletter。Carryingittothelight，Lilyreadwithsurprisetheaddressstampedontheuppercomeroftheenvelope。Itwasabusinesscommunicationfromtheofficeofheraunt’sexecutors，andshewonderedwhatunexpecteddevelopmenthadcausedthemtobreaksilencebeforetheappointedtime。Sheopenedtheenvelopeandachequeflutteredtothefloor。Asshestoopedtopickitupthebloodrushedtoherface。

ThechequerepresentedthefullamountofMrs。Peniston’slegacy，andtheletteraccompanyingitexplainedthattheexecutors，havingadjustedthebusinessoftheestatewithlessdelaythantheyhadexpected，haddecidedtoanticipatethedatefixedforthepaymentofthebequests。

Lilysatdownbesidethedeskatthefootofherbed，andspreadingoutthecheque，readoverandovertheTENTHOUSAND

DOLLARSwrittenacrossitinasteelybusinesshand。Tenmonthsearliertheamountitstoodforhadrepresentedthedepthsofpenury；butherstandardofvalueshadchangedintheinterval，andnowvisionsofwealthlurkedineveryflourishofthepen。Asshecontinuedtogazeatit，shefelttheglitterofthevisionsmountingtoherbrain，andafterawhilesheliftedthelidofthedeskandslippedthemagicformulaoutofsight。Itwaseasiertothinkwithoutthosefivefiguresdancingbeforehereyes；andshehadagreatdealofthinkingtodobeforesheslept。

Sheopenedhercheque-book，andplungedintosuchanxiouscalculationsashadprolongedhervigilatBellomontonthenightwhenshehaddecidedtomarryPercyGryce。Povertysimplifiesbook-keeping，andherfinancialsituationwaseasiertoascertainthanithadbeenthen；butshehadnotyetlearnedthecontrolofmoney，andduringhertransientphaseofluxuryattheEmporiumshehadslippedbackintohabitsofextravagancewhichstillimpairedherslenderbalance。Acarefulexaminationofhercheque-book，andoftheunpaidbillsinherdesk，showedthat，whenthelatterhadbeensettled，shewouldhavebarelyenoughtoliveonforthenextthreeorfourmonths；andevenafterthat，ifsheweretocontinueherpresentwayofliving，withoutearninganyadditionalmoney，allincidentalexpensesmustbereducedtothevanishingpoint。Shehidhereyeswithashudder，beholdingherselfattheentranceofthatever-narrowingperspectivedownwhichshehadseenMissSilverton’sdowdyfiguretakeitsdespondentway。

Itwasnolonger，however，fromthevisionofmaterialpovertythatsheturnedwiththegreatestshrinking。Shehadasenseofdeeperempoverishment——ofaninnerdestitutioncomparedtowhichoutwardconditionsdwindledintoinsignificance。Itwasindeedmiserabletobepoor——tolookforwardtoashabby，anxiousmiddle-age，leadingbydrearydegreesofeconomyandself-denialtogradualabsorptioninthedingycommunalexistenceoftheboarding-house。Buttherewassomethingmoremiserablestill——itwastheclutchofsolitudeatherheart，thesenseofbeingsweptlikeastrayuprootedgrowthdowntheheedlesscurrentoftheyears。Thatwasthefeelingwhichpossessedhernow——thefeelingofbeingsomethingrootlessandephemeral，merespin-driftofthewhirlingsurfaceofexistence，withoutanythingtowhichthepoorlittletentaclesofselfcouldclingbeforetheawfulfloodsubmergedthem。Andasshelookedbackshesawthattherehadneverbeenatimewhenshehadhadanyrealrelationtolife。Herparentstoohadbeenrootless，blownhitherandthitheroneverywindoffashion，withoutanypersonalexistencetoshelterthemfromitsshiftinggusts。Sheherselfhadgrownupwithoutanyonespotofearthbeingdearertoherthananother:therewasnocentreofearlypieties，ofgraveendearingtraditions，towhichherheartcouldrevertandfromwhichitcoulddrawstrengthforitselfandtendernessforothers。Inwhateverformaslowly-accumulatedpastlivesintheblood——whetherintheconcreteimageoftheoldhousestoredwithvisualmemories，orintheconceptionofthehousenotbuiltwithhands，butmadeupofinheritedpassionsandloyalties——ithasthesamepowerofbroadeninganddeepeningtheindividualexistence，ofattachingitbymysteriouslinksofkinshiptoallthemightysumofhumanstriving。

SuchavisionofthesolidarityoflifehadneverbeforecometoLily。Shehadhadapremonitionofitintheblindmotionsofhermating-instinct；buttheyhadbeencheckedbythedisintegratinginfluencesofthelifeabouther。Allthemenandwomensheknewwerelikeatomswhirlingawayfromeachotherinsomewildcentrifugaldance:herfirstglimpseofthecontinuityoflifehadcometoherthateveninginNettieStruther’skitchen。

Thepoorlittleworking-girlwhohadfoundstrengthtogatherupthefragmentsofherlife，andbuildherselfashelterwiththem，seemedtoLilytohavereachedthecentraltruthofexistence。Itwasameagreenoughlife，onthegrimedgeofpoverty，withscantmarginforpossibilitiesofsicknessormischance，butithadthefrailaudaciouspermanenceofabird’snestbuiltontheedgeofacliff——amerewispofleavesandstraw，yetsoputtogetherthatthelivesentrustedtoitmayhangsafelyovertheabyss。

Yes——butithadtakentwotobuildthenest；theman’sfaithaswellasthewoman’scourage。LilyrememberedNettie’swords:I

KNEWHEKNEWABOUTME。Herhusband’sfaithinherhadmadeherrenewalpossible——itissoeasyforawomantobecomewhatthemanshelovesbelieveshertobe！Well——SeldenhadtwicebeenreadytostakehisfaithonLilyBart；butthethirdtrialhadbeentoosevereforhisendurance。Theveryqualityofhislovehadmadeitthemoreimpossibletorecalltolife。Ifithadbeenasimpleinstinctoftheblood，thepowerofherbeautymighthaverevivedit。Butthefactthatitstruckdeeper，thatitwasinextricablywoundupwithinheritedhabitsofthoughtandfeeling，madeitasimpossibletorestoretogrowthasadeep-rootedplanttomfromitsbed。Seldenhadgivenherofhisbest；buthewasasincapableasherselfofanuncriticalreturntoformerstatesoffeeling。

Thereremainedtoher，asshehadtoldhim，theupliftingmemoryofhisfaithinher；butshehadnotreachedtheagewhenawomancanliveonhermemories。AssheheldNettieStruther’schildinherarmsthefrozencurrentsofyouthhadloosedthemselvesandrunwarminherveins:theoldlife-hungerpossessedher，andallherbeingclamouredforitsshareofpersonalhappiness。Yes——itwashappinessshestillwanted，andtheglimpseshehadcaughtofitmadeeverythingelseofnoaccount。Onebyoneshehaddetachedherselffromthebaserpossibilities，andshesawthatnothingnowremainedtoherbuttheemptinessofrenunciation。

Itwasgrowinglate，andanimmensewearinessoncemorepossessedher。Itwasnotthestealingsenseofsleep，butavividwakefulfatigue，awanlucidityofmindagainstwhichallthepossibilitiesofthefuturewereshadowedforthgigantically。Shewasappalledbytheintensecleannessofthevision；sheseemedtohavebrokenthroughthemercifulveilwhichintervenesbetweenintentionandaction，andtoseeexactlywhatshewoulddoinallthelongdaystocome。Therewasthechequeinherdesk，forinstance——shemeanttouseitinpayingherdebttoTrenor；butsheforesawthatwhenthemorningcameshewouldputoffdoingso，wouldslipintogradualtoleranceofthedebt。Thethoughtterrifiedher——shedreadedtofallfromtheheightofherlastmomentwithLawrenceSelden。Buthowcouldshetrustherselftokeepherfooting？Sheknewthestrengthoftheopposingimpulses-shecouldfeelthecountlesshandsofhabitdraggingherbackintosomefreshcompromisewithfate。Shefeltanintenselongingtoprolong，toperpetuate，themomentaryexaltationofherspirit。Ifonlylifecouldendnow——endonthistragicyetsweetvisionoflostpossibilities，whichgaveherasenseofkinshipwithallthelovingandforegoingintheworld！

Shereachedoutsuddenlyand，drawingthechequefromherwriting-desk，encloseditinanenvelopewhichsheaddressedtoherbank。ShethenwroteoutachequeforTrenor，andplacingit，withoutanaccompanyingword，inanenvelopeinscribedwithhisname，laidthetwoletterssidebysideonherdesk。Afterthatshecontinuedtositatthetable，sortingherpapersandwriting，tilltheintensesilenceofthehouseremindedherofthelatenessofthehour。Inthestreetthenoiseofwheelshadceased，andtherumbleofthe"elevated"cameonlyatlongintervalsthroughthedeepunnaturalhush。Inthemysteriousnocturnalseparationfromalloutwardsignsoflife，shefeltherselfmorestrangelyconfrontedwithherfate。Thesensationmadeherbrainreel，andshetriedtoshutoutconsciousnessbypressingherhandsagainsthereyes。Buttheterriblesilenceandemptinessseemedtosymbolizeherfuture——shefeltasthoughthehouse，thestreet，theworldwereallempty，andshealoneleftsentientinalifelessuniverse。

Butthiswasthevergeofdelirium……shehadneverhungsonearthedizzybrinkoftheunreal。Sleepwaswhatshewanted——sherememberedthatshehadnotclosedhereyesfortwonights。Thelittlebottlewasatherbed-side，waitingtolayitsspelluponher。Sheroseandundressedhastily，hungeringnowforthetouchofherpillow。Shefeltsoprofoundlytiredthatshethoughtshemustfallasleepatonce；butassoonasshehadlaindowneverynervestartedoncemoreintoseparatewakefulness。Itwasasthoughagreatblazeofelectriclighthadbeenturnedoninherhead，andherpoorlittleanguishedselfshrankandcoweredinit，withoutknowingwheretotakerefuge。

Shehadnotimaginedthatsuchamultiplicationofwakefulnesswaspossible:herwholepastwasreenactingitselfatahundreddifferentpointsofconsciousness。Wherewasthedrugthatcouldstillthislegionofinsurgentnerves？Thesenseofexhaustionwouldhavebeensweetcomparedtothisshrillbeatofactivities；

butwearinesshaddroppedfromherasthoughsomecruelstimulanthadbeenforcedintoherveins。

Shecouldbearit——yes，shecouldbearit；butwhatstrengthwouldbeleftherthenextday？Perspectivehaddisappeared——thenextdaypressedcloseuponher，andonitsheelscamethedaysthatweretofollow——theyswarmedaboutherlikeashriekingmob。

Shemustshutthemoutforafewhours；shemusttakeabriefbathofoblivion。Sheputoutherhand，andmeasuredthesoothingdropsintoaglass；butasshedidso，sheknewtheywouldbepowerlessagainstthesupernaturallucidityofherbrain。Shehadlongsinceraisedthedosetoitshighestlimit，buttonightshefeltshemustincreaseit。Sheknewshetookaslightriskindoingso——sherememberedthechemist’swarning。Ifsleepcameatall，itmightbeasleepwithoutwaking。Butafterallthatwasbutonechanceinahundred:theactionofthedrugwasincalculable，andtheadditionofafewdropstotheregulardosewouldprobablydonomorethanprocureforhertherestshesodesperatelyneeded……

Shedidnot，intruth，considerthequestionveryclosely——thephysicalcravingforsleepwasheronlysustainedsensation。Hermindshrankfromtheglareofthoughtasinstinctivelyaseyescontractinablazeoflight——darkness，darknesswaswhatshemusthaveatanycost。Sheraisedherselfinbedandswallowedthecontentsoftheglass；thensheblewouthercandleandlaydown。

Shelayverystill，waitingwithasensuouspleasureforthefirsteffectsofthesoporific。Sheknewinadvancewhatformtheywouldtake——thegradualcessationoftheinnerthrob，thesoftapproachofpassiveness，asthoughaninvisiblehandmademagicpassesoverherinthedarkness。Theveryslownessandhesitancyoftheeffectincreaseditsfascination:itwasdelicioustoleanoverandlookdownintothedimabyssesofunconsciousness。Tonightthedrugseemedtoworkmoreslowlythanusual:eachpassionatepulsehadtobestilledinturn，anditwaslongbeforeshefeltthemdroppingintoabeyance，likesentinelsfallingasleepattheirposts。Butgraduallythesenseofcompletesubjugationcameoverher，andshewonderedlanguidlywhathadmadeherfeelsouneasyandexcited。Shesawnowthattherewasnothingtobeexcitedabout——shehadreturnedtohernormalviewoflife。Tomorrowwouldnotbesodifficultafterall:shefeltsurethatshewouldhavethestrengthtomeetit。

Shedidnotquiterememberwhatitwasthatshehadbeenafraidtomeet，buttheuncertaintynolongertroubledher。Shehadbeenunhappy，andnowshewashappy——shehadfeltherselfalone，andnowthesenseoflonelinesshadvanished。

Shestirredonce，andturnedonherside，andasshedidso，shesuddenlyunderstoodwhyshedidnotfeelherselfalone。Itwasodd——butNettieStruther’schildwaslyingonherarm:shefeltthepressureofitslittleheadagainsthershoulder。Shedidnotknowhowithadcomethere，butshefeltnogreatsurpriseatthefact，onlyagentlepenetratingthrillofwarmthandpleasure。

Shesettledherselfintoaneasierposition，hollowingherarmtopillowtherounddownyhead，andholdingherbreathlestasoundshoulddisturbthesleepingchild。

AsshelaythereshesaidtoherselfthattherewassomethingshemusttellSelden，somewordshehadfoundthatshouldmakelifeclearbetweenthem。Shetriedtorepeattheword，whichlingeredvagueandluminousonthefaredgeofthought——shewasafraidofnotrememberingitwhenshewoke；andifshecouldonlyrememberitandsayittohim，shefeltthateverythingwouldbewell。

Slowlythethoughtofthewordfaded，andsleepbegantoenfoldher。Shestruggledfaintlyagainstit，feelingthatsheoughttokeepawakeonaccountofthebaby；buteventhisfeelingwasgraduallylostinanindistinctsenseofdrowsypeace，throughwhich，ofasudden，adarkflashoflonelinessandterrortoreitsway。

Shestartedupagain，coldandtremblingwiththeshock:foramomentsheseemedtohavelostherholdofthechild。Butno——shewasmistaken——thetenderpressureofitsbodywasstillclosetohers:therecoveredwarmthflowedthroughheroncemore，sheyieldedtoit，sankintoit，andslept。

Thenextmorningrosemildandbright，withapromiseofsummerintheair。ThesunlightslantedjoyouslydownLily’sstreet，mellowedtheblisteredhouse-front，gildedthepaintlessrailingsofthedoor-step，andstruckprismaticgloriesfromthepanesofherdarkenedwindow。

Whensuchadaycoincideswiththeinnermoodthereisintoxicationinitsbreath；andSelden，hasteningalongthestreetthroughthesqualorofitsmorningconfidences，felthimselfthrillingwithayouthfulsenseofadventure。Hehadcutloosefromthefamiliarshoresofhabit，andlaunchedhimselfonunchartedseasofemotion；alltheoldtestsandmeasureswereleftbehind，andhiscoursewastobeshapedbynewstars。

Thatcourse，forthemoment，ledmerelytoMissBart’sboarding-house；butitsshabbydoor-stephadsuddenlybecomethethresholdoftheuntried。Asheapproachedhelookedupatthetriplerowofwindows，wonderingboyishlywhichoneofthemwashers。Itwasnineo’clock，andthehouse，beingtenantedbyworkers，alreadyshowedanawakenedfronttothestreet。Herememberedafterwardhavingnoticedthatonlyoneblindwasdown。

Henoticedtoothattherewasapotofpansiesononeofthewindowsills，andatonceconcludedthatthewindowmustbehers:

itwasinevitablethatheshouldconnectherwiththeonetouchofbeautyinthedingyscene。

Nineo’clockwasanearlyhourforavisit，butSeldenhadpassedbeyondallsuchconventionalobservances。HeonlyknewthathemustseeLilyBartatonce——hehadfoundthewordhemeanttosaytoher，anditcouldnotwaitanothermomenttobesaid。Itwasstrangethatithadnotcometohislipssooner——thathehadletherpassfromhimtheeveningbeforewithoutbeingabletospeakit。Butwhatdidthatmatter，nowthatanewdayhadcome？Itwasnotawordfortwilight，butforthemorning。

Seldenraneagerlyupthestepsandpulledthebell；andeveninhisstateofself-absorptionitcameasasharpsurprisetohimthatthedoorshouldopensopromptly。Itwasstillmoreofasurprisetosee，asheentered，thatithadbeenopenedbyGertyFarish——andthatbehindher，inanagitatedblur，severalotherfiguresominouslyloomed。

"Lawrence！"Gertycriedinastrangevoice，"howcouldyougetheresoquickly？"——andthetremblinghandshelaidonhimseemedinstantlytocloseabouthisheart。

Henoticedtheotherfaces，vaguewithfearandconjecture——hesawthelandlady’simposingbulkswayprofessionallytowardhim；

butheshrankback，puttinguphishand，whilehiseyesmechanicallymountedthesteepblackwalnutstairs，upwhichhewasimmediatelyawarethathiscousinwasabouttoleadhim。

Avoiceinthebackgroundsaidthatthedoctormightbebackatanyminute——andthatnothing，upstairs，wastobedisturbed。Someoneelseexclaimed:"Itwasthegreatestmercy——"thenSeldenfeltthatGertyhadtakenhimgentlybythehand，andthattheyweretobesufferedtogoupalone。

Insilencetheymountedthethreeflights，andwalkedalongthepassagetoacloseddoor。Gertyopenedthedoor，andSeldenwentinafterher。Thoughtheblindwasdown，theirresistiblesunlightpouredatemperedgoldenfloodintotheroom，andinitslightSeldensawanarrowbedalongthewall，andonthebed，withmotionlesshandsandcalmunrecognizingface，thesemblanceofLilyBart。

Thatitwasherrealself，everypulseinhimardentlydenied。

Herrealselfhadlainwarmonhisheartbutafewhoursearlier——whathadhetodowiththisestrangedandtranquilfacewhich，forthefirsttime，neitherpalednorbrightenedathiscoming？

Gerty，strangelytranquiltoo，withtheconsciousself-controlofonewhohasministeredtomuchpain，stoodbythebed，speakinggently，asiftransmittingafinalmessage。

"Thedoctorfoundabottleofchloral——shehadbeensleepingbadlyforalongtime，andshemusthavetakenanoverdosebymistake……Thereisnodoubtofthat——nodoubt——therewillbenoquestion——hehasbeenverykind。ItoldhimthatyouandIwouldliketobeleftalonewithher——togooverherthingsbeforeanyoneelsecomes。Iknowitiswhatshewouldhavewished。"

Seldenwashardlyconsciousofwhatshesaid。Hestoodlookingdownonthesleepingfacewhichseemedtolielikeadelicateimpalpablemaskoverthelivinglineamentshehadknown。

HefeltthattherealLilywasstillthere，closetohim，yetinvisibleandinaccessible；andthetenuityofthebarrierbetweenthemmockedhimwithasenseofhelplessness。Therehadneverbeenmorethanalittleimpalpablebarrierbetweenthem——andyethehadsufferedittokeepthemapart！Andnow，thoughitseemedslighterandfrailerthanever，ithadsuddenlyhardenedtoadamant，andhemightbeathislifeoutagainstitinvain。

Hehaddroppedonhiskneesbesidethebed，butatouchfromGertyarousedhim。Hestoodup，andastheireyesmethewasstruckbytheextraordinarylightinhiscousin’sface。

"Youunderstandwhatthedoctorhasgonefor？Hehaspromisedthatthereshallbenotrouble——butofcoursetheformalitiesmustbegonethrough。AndIaskedhimtogiveustimetolookthroughherthingsfirst——"

Henodded，andsheglancedaboutthesmallbareroom。"Itwon’ttakelong，"sheconcluded。

"No——itwon’ttakelong，"heagreed。

Sheheldhishandinhersamomentlonger，andthen，withalastlookatthebed，movedsilentlytowardthedoor。Onthethresholdshepausedtoadd:"Youwillfindmedownstairsifyouwantme。"

Seldenrousedhimselftodetainher。"Butwhyareyougoing？Shewouldhavewished——"

Gertyshookherheadwithasmile。"No:thisiswhatshewouldhavewished——"andasshespokealightbrokethroughSelden’sstonymisery，andhesawdeepintothehiddenthingsoflove。

ThedoorclosedonGerty，andhestoodalonewiththemotionlesssleeperonthebed。Hisimpulsewastoreturntoherside，tofallonhisknees，andresthisthrobbingheadagainstthepeacefulcheekonthepillow。Theyhadneverbeenatpeacetogether，theytwo；andnowhefelthimselfdrawndownwardintothestrangemysteriousdepthsofhertranquillity。

ButherememberedGerty’swarningwords——heknewthat，thoughtimehadceasedinthisroom，itsfeetwerehasteningrelentlesslytowardthedoor。Gertyhadgivenhimthissupremehalf-hour，andhemustuseitasshewilled。

Heturnedandlookedabouthim，sternlycompellinghimselftoregainhisconsciousnessofoutwardthings。Therewasverylittlefurnitureintheroom。Theshabbychestofdrawerswasspreadwithalacecover，andsetoutwithafewgold-toppedboxesandbottles，arose-colouredpin-cushion，aglasstraystrewnwithtortoise-shellhair-pins——heshrankfromthepoignantintimacyofthesetrifles，andfromtheblanksurfaceofthetoilet-mirrorabovethem。

Theseweretheonlytracesofluxury，ofthatclingingtotheminuteobservanceofpersonalseemliness，whichshowedwhatherotherrenunciationsmusthavecost。Therewasnoothertokenofherpersonalityabouttheroom，unlessitshoweditselfinthescrupulousneatnessofthescantarticlesoffurniture:awashing-stand，twochairs，asmallwriting-desk，andthelittletablenearthebed。Onthistablestoodtheemptybottleandglass，andfromthesealsoheavertedhiseyes。

Thedeskwasclosed，butonitsslantinglidlaytwoletterswhichhetookup。Oneboretheaddressofabank，andasitwasstampedandsealed，Selden，afteramoment’shesitation，laiditaside。OntheotherletterhereadGusTrenor’sname；andtheflapoftheenvelopewasstillungummed。

Temptationleaptonhimlikethestabofaknife。Hestaggeredunderit，steadyinghimselfagainstthedesk。WhyhadshebeenwritingtoTrenor——writing，presumably，justaftertheirpartingofthepreviousevening？Thethoughtunhallowedthememoryofthatlasthour，madeamockofthewordhehadcometospeak，anddefiledeventhereconcilingsilenceuponwhichitfell。Hefelthimselfflungbackonalltheuglyuncertaintiesfromwhichhethoughthehadcastlooseforever。Afterall，whatdidheknowofherlife？Onlyasmuchasshehadchosentoshowhim，andmeasuredbytheworld’sestimate，howlittlethatwas！Bywhatright——theletterinhishandseemedtoask——bywhatrightwasithewhonowpassedintoherconfidencethroughthegatewhichdeathhadleftunbarred？Hisheartcriedoutthatitwasbyrightoftheirlasthourtogether，thehourwhensheherselfhadplacedthekeyinhishand。Yes——butwhatifthelettertoTrenorhadbeenwrittenafterward？

Heputitfromhimwithsuddenloathing，andsettinghislips，addressedhimselfresolutelytowhatremainedofhistask。Afterall，thattaskwouldbeeasiertoperform，nowthathispersonalstakeinitwasannulled。

Heraisedthelidofthedesk，andsawwithinitacheque-bookandafewpacketsofbillsandletters，arrangedwiththeorderlyprecisionwhichcharacterizedallherpersonalhabits。Helookedthroughthelettersfirst，becauseitwasthemostdifficultpartofthework。Theyprovedtobefewandunimportant，butamongthemhefound，withastrangecommotionoftheheart，thenotehehadwrittenherthedayaftertheBrys’entertainment。

"WhenmayIcometoyou？"——hiswordsoverwhelmedhimwitharealizationofthecowardicewhichhaddrivenhimfromherattheverymomentofattainment。Yes——hehadalwaysfearedhisfate，andhewastoohonesttodisownhiscowardicenow；forhadnotallhisolddoubtsstartedtolifeagainatthemeresightofTrenor’sname？

Helaidthenoteinhiscard-case，foldingitawaycarefully，assomethingmadepreciousbythefactthatshehadhelditso；

then，growingoncemoreawareofthelapseoftime，hecontinuedhisexaminationofthepapers。

Tohissurprise，hefoundthatallthebillswerereceipted；

therewasnotanunpaidaccountamongthem。Heopenedthecheque-book，andsawthat，theverynightbefore，achequeoftenthousanddollarsfromMrs。Peniston’sexecutorshadbeenenteredinit。Thelegacy，then，hadbeenpaidsoonerthanGertyhadledhimtoexpect。But，turninganotherpageortwo，hediscoveredwithastonishmentthat，inspiteofthisrecentaccessionoffunds，thebalancehadalreadydeclinedtoafewdollars。Arapidglanceatthestubsofthelastcheques，allofwhichborethedateofthepreviousday，showedthatbetweenfourorfivehundreddollarsofthelegacyhadbeenspentinthesettlementofbills，whiletheremainingthousandswerecomprehendedinonecheque，madeout，atthesametime，toCharlesAugustusTrenor。

Seldenlaidthebookaside，andsankintothechairbesidethedesk。Heleanedhiselbowsonit，andhidhisfaceinhishands。Thebitterwatersoflifesurgedhighabouthim，theirsteriletastewasonhislips。DidthechequetoTrenorexplainthemysteryordeepenit？Atfirsthismindrefusedtoact——hefeltonlythetaintofsuchatransactionbetweenamanlikeTrenorandagirllikeLilyBart。Then，gradually，histroubledvisioncleared，oldhintsandrumourscamebacktohim，andoutoftheveryinsinuationshehadfearedtoprobe，heconstructedanexplanationofthemystery。Itwastrue，then，thatshehadtakenmoneyfromTrenor；buttruealso，asthecontentsofthelittledeskdeclared，thattheobligationhadbeenintolerabletoher，andthatatthefirstopportunityshehadfreedherselffromit，thoughtheactleftherfacetofacewithbareunmitigatedpoverty。

Thatwasallheknew——allhecouldhopetounravelofthestory。

Themutelipsonthepillowrefusedhimmorethanthis——unlessindeedtheyhadtoldhimtherestinthekisstheyhadleftuponhisforehead。Yes，hecouldnowreadintothatfarewellallthathisheartcravedtofindthere；hecouldevendrawfromitcouragenottoaccusehimselfforhavingfailedtoreachtheheightofhisopportunity。

Hesawthatalltheconditionsoflifehadconspiredtokeepthemapart；sincehisverydetachmentfromtheexternalinfluenceswhichswayedherhadincreasedhisspiritualfastidiousness，andmadeitmoredifficultforhimtoliveandloveuncritically。ButatleastheHADlovedher——hadbeenwillingtostakehisfutureonhisfaithinher——andifthemomenthadbeenfatedtopassfromthembeforetheycouldseizeit，hesawnowthat，forboth，ithadbeensavedwholeoutoftheruinoftheirlives。

Itwasthismomentoflove，thisfleetingvictoryoverthemselves，whichhadkeptthemfromatrophyandextinction；

which，inher，hadreachedouttohimineverystruggleagainsttheinfluenceofhersurroundings，andinhim，hadkeptalivethefaiththatnowdrewhimpenitentandreconciledtoherside。

Hekneltbythebedandbentoverher，drainingtheirlastmomenttoitslees；andinthesilencetherepassedbetweenthemthewordwhichmadeallclear。

THEEND