第9章
Mr。Caltonwasasuperannuatedbeau-anoldboy。Heusedtosay，ofhimselfthatalthoughhisfeatureswerenotregularlyhandsome，theywerestriking。Theycertainlywere。Itwasimpossibleto，lookathisfacewithoutbeingremindedofachubbystreet-door，knocker，half-lionhalf-monkey;andthecomparisonmightbe，extendedtohiswholecharacterandconversation。Hehadstood，still，whileeverythingelsehadbeenmoving。Heneveroriginated，aconversation，orstartedanidea;butifanycommonplacetopic，werebroached，or，topursuethecomparison，ifanybodyLIFTEDHIM
UP，hewouldhammerawaywithsurprisingrapidity。Hehadthetic-
douloureuxoccasionally，andthenhemightbesaidtobemuffled，becausehedidnotmakequiteasmuchnoiseasatothertimes，when，hewouldgoonprosing，rat-tat-tatthesamethingoverandover，again。Hehadneverbeenmarried;buthewasstillonthelook-out，forawifewithmoney。Hehadalifeinterestworthabout300L。a，year-hewasexceedinglyvain，andinordinatelyselfish。Hehad，acquiredthereputationofbeingtheverypinkofpoliteness，and，hewalkedroundthepark，andupRegent-street，everyday。
Thisrespectablepersonagehadmadeuphismindtorenderhimself，exceedinglyagreeabletoMrs。Maplesone-indeed，thedesireof，beingasamiableaspossibleextendeditselftothewholeparty;
Mrs。Tibbshavingconsidereditanadmirablelittlebitof，managementtorepresenttothegentlementhatshehadSOMEreason，tobelievetheladieswerefortunes，andtohinttotheladies，thatallthegentlemenwere’eligible。’，Alittleflirtation，she，thought，mightkeepherhousefull，withoutleadingtoanyother，result。
Mrs。Maplesonewasanenterprisingwidowofaboutfifty：，shrewd，scheming，andgood-looking。Shewasamiablyanxiousonbehalfof，herdaughters;inproofwhereofsheusedtoremark，thatshewould，havenoobjectiontomarryagain，ifitwouldbenefitherdear，girls-shecouldhavenoothermotive。The’deargirls’
themselveswerenotatallinsensibletothemeritsof’agood，establishment。’，Oneofthemwastwenty-five;theother，three，yearsyounger。Theyhadbeenatdifferentwatering-places，for，fourseasons;theyhadgambledatlibraries，readbooksin，balconies，soldatfancyfairs，dancedatassemblies，talked，sentiment-inshort，theyhaddoneallthatindustriousgirls，coulddo-but，asyet，tonopurpose。
’WhatamagnificentdresserMr。Simpsonis！’whisperedMatilda，MaplesonetohersisterJulia。
’Splendid！’returnedtheyoungest。Themagnificentindividual，alludedtoworeamaroon-coloureddress-coat，withavelvetcollar，andcuffsofthesametint-verylikethatwhichusuallyinvests，theformofthedistinguishedunknownwhocondescendstoplaythe，’swell’inthepantomimeat’Richardson’sShow。’
’Whatwhiskers！’saidMissJulia。
’Charming！’respondedhersister;’andwhathair！’，Hishairwas，likeawig，anddistinguishedbythatinsinuatingwavewhichgraces，theshininglocksofthoseCHEF-D’OEUVRESofartsurmountingthe，waxenimagesinBartellot’swindowinRegent-street;hiswhiskers，meetingbeneathhischin，seemedstringswherewithtotieiton，eresciencehadrenderedthemunnecessarybyherpatentinvisible，springs。
’Dinner’sonthetable，ma’am，ifyouplease，’saidtheboy，who，nowappearedforthefirsttime，inarevivedblackcoatofhis，master’s。
’Oh！，Mr。Calton，willyouleadMrs。Maplesone？-Thankyou。’，Mr。
SimpsonofferedhisarmtoMissJulia;Mr。SeptimusHicksescorted，thelovelyMatilda;andtheprocessionproceededtothedining-
room。Mr。Tibbswasintroduced，andMr。Tibbsbobbedupanddown，tothethreeladieslikeafigureinaDutchclock，withapowerful，springinthemiddleofhisbody，andthendivedrapidlyintohis，seatatthebottomofthetable，delightedtoscreenhimselfbehind，asoup-tureen，whichhecouldjustseeover，andthatwasall。The，boarderswereseated，aladyandgentlemanalternately，likethe，layersofbreadandmeatinaplateofsandwiches;andthenMrs。
TibbsdirectedJamestotakeoffthecovers。Salmon，lobster-
sauce，giblet-soup，andtheusualaccompanimentswerediscovered：
potatoeslikepetrifactions，andbitsoftoastedbread，theshape，andsizeofblankdice。
’SoupforMrs。Maplesone，mydear，’saidthebustlingMrs。Tibbs。
Shealwayscalledherhusband’mydear’beforecompany。Tibbs，who，hadbeeneatinghisbread，andcalculatinghowlongitwouldbe，beforeheshouldgetanyfish，helpedthesoupinahurry，madea，smallislandonthetable-cloth，andputhisglassuponit，tohide，itfromhiswife。
’MissJulia，shallIassistyoutosomefish？’
’Ifyouplease-verylittle-oh！plenty，thankyou’(abitabout，thesizeofawalnutputupontheplate)。
’JuliaisaVERYlittleeater，’saidMrs。MaplesonetoMr。Calton。
Theknockergaveasinglerap。Hewasbusyeatingthefishwith，hiseyes：，soheonlyejaculated，’Ah！’
’Mydear，’saidMrs。Tibbstoherspouseaftereveryoneelsehad，beenhelped，’whatdoYOUtake？’，Theinquirywasaccompaniedwith，alookintimatingthathemustn’tsayfish，becausetherewasnot，muchleft。Tibbsthoughtthefrownreferredtotheislandonthe，table-cloth;hethereforecoollyreplied，’Why-I’lltakealittle，-fish，Ithink。’
’Didyousayfish，mydear？’(anotherfrown)。
’Yes，dear，’repliedthevillain，withanexpressionofacute，hungerdepictedinhiscountenance。Thetearsalmoststartedto，Mrs。Tibbs’seyes，asshehelpedher’wretchofahusband，’asshe，inwardlycalledhim，tothelasteatablebitofsalmononthedish。
’James，takethistoyourmaster，andtakeawayyourmaster’s，knife。’，Thiswasdeliberaterevenge，asTibbsnevercouldeatfish，withoutone。Hewas，however，constrainedtochasesmallparticles，ofsalmonroundandroundhisplatewithapieceofbreadanda，fork，thenumberofsuccessfulattemptsbeingaboutonein，seventeen。
’Takeaway，James，’saidMrs。Tibbs，asTibbsswallowedthefourth，mouthful-andawaywenttheplateslikelightning。
’I’lltakeabitofbread，James，’saidthepoor’masterofthe，house，’morehungrythanever。
’Nevermindyourmasternow，James，’saidMrs。Tibbs，’seeabout，themeat。’，Thiswasconveyedinthetoneinwhichladiesusually，giveadmonitionstoservantsincompany，thatistosay，alowone;
butwhich，likeastagewhisper，fromitspeculiaremphasis，is，mostdistinctlyheardbyeverybodypresent。
Apauseensued，beforethetablewasreplenished-asortof，parenthesisinwhichMr。Simpson，Mr。Calton，andMr。Hicks，producedrespectivelyabottleofsauterne，bucellas，andsherry，andtookwinewitheverybody-exceptTibbs。Nooneeverthought，ofhim。
Betweenthefishandanintimatedsirloin，therewasaprolonged，interval。
HerewasanopportunityforMr。Hicks。Hecouldnotresistthe，singularlyappropriatequotation-
’Butbeefisrarewithintheseoxlessisles;
Goats’fleshthereis，nodoubt，andkid，andmutton，Andwhenaholidayuponthemsmiles，Ajointupontheirbarbarousspitstheyputon。’
’Veryungentlemanlybehaviour，’thoughtlittleMrs。Tibbs，’totalk，inthatway。’
’Ah，’saidMr。Calton，fillinghisglass。’TomMooreismypoet。’
’Andmine，’saidMrs。Maplesone。
’Andmine，’saidMissJulia。
’Andmine，’addedMr。Simpson。
’Lookathiscompositions，’resumedtheknocker。
’Tobesure，’saidSimpson，withconfidence。
’LookatDonJuan，’repliedMr。SeptimusHicks。
’Julia’sletter，’suggestedMissMatilda。
’CananythingbegranderthantheFireWorshippers？’inquiredMiss，Julia。
’Tobesure，’saidSimpson。
’OrParadiseandthePeri，’saidtheoldbeau。
’Yes;orParadiseandthePeer，’repeatedSimpson，whothoughthe，wasgettingthroughitcapitally。
’It’sallverywell，’repliedMr。SeptimusHicks，who，aswehave，beforehinted，neverhadreadanythingbutDonJuan。’Wherewill，youfindanythingfinerthanthedescriptionofthesiege，atthe，commencementoftheseventhcanto？’
’Talkingofasiege，’saidTibbs，withamouthfulofbread-’when，Iwasinthevolunteercorps，ineighteenhundredandsix，our，commandingofficerwasSirCharlesRampart;andoneday，whenwe，wereexercisingonthegroundonwhichtheLondonUniversitynow，stands，hesays，sayshe，Tibbs(callingmefromtheranks)，Tibbs，-’
’Tellyourmaster，James，’interruptedMrs。Tibbs，inanawfully，distincttone，’tellyourmasterifheWON’Tcarvethosefowls，to，sendthemtome。’，Thediscomfitedvolunteerinstantlysettowork，andcarvedthefowlsalmostasexpeditiouslyashiswifeoperated，onthehaunchofmutton。Whetherheeverfinishedthestoryisnot，knownbut，ifhedid，nobodyheardit。
Astheicewasnowbroken，andthenewinmatesmoreathome，every，memberofthecompanyfeltmoreatease。Tibbshimselfmost，certainlydid，becausehewenttosleepimmediatelyafterdinner。
Mr。Hicksandtheladiesdiscoursedmosteloquentlyaboutpoetry，andthetheatres，andLordChesterfield’sLetters;andMr。Calton，followedupwhateverybodysaid，withcontinuousdoubleknocks。
Mrs。TibbshighlyapprovedofeveryobservationthatfellfromMrs。
Maplesone;andasMr。Simpsonsatwithasmileuponhisfaceand，said’Yes，’or’Certainly，’atintervalsofaboutfourminutes，each，hereceivedfullcreditforunderstandingwhatwasgoing，forward。Thegentlemenrejoinedtheladiesinthedrawing-room，veryshortlyaftertheyhadleftthedining-parlour。Mrs。
MaplesoneandMr。Caltonplayedcribbage，andthe’youngpeople’
amusedthemselveswithmusicandconversation。TheMissMaplesones，sangthemostfascinatingduets，andaccompaniedthemselveson，guitars，ornamentedwithbitsofetherealblueribbon。Mr。Simpson，putonapinkwaistcoat，andsaidhewasinraptures;andMr。Hicks，feltintheseventhheavenofpoetryortheseventhcantoofDon，Juan-itwasthesamethingtohim。Mrs。Tibbswasquitecharmed，withthenewcomers;andMr。Tibbsspenttheeveninginhisusual，way-hewenttosleep，andwokeup，andwenttosleepagain，and，wokeatsupper-time。
*****
Wearenotabouttoadoptthelicenceofnovel-writers，andtolet，’yearsrollon;’butwewilltakethelibertyofrequestingthe，readertosupposethatsixmonthshaveelapsed，sincethedinnerwe，havedescribed，andthatMrs。Tibbs’sboardershave，duringthat，period，sang，anddanced，andgonetotheatresandexhibitions，together，asladiesandgentlemen，wherevertheyboard，oftendo。
Andwewillbegthem，theperiodwehavementionedhavingelapsed，toimaginefarther，thatMr。SeptimusHicksreceived，inhisown，bedroom(afrontattic)，atanearlyhouronemorning，anotefrom，Mr。Calton，requestingthefavourofseeinghim，assoonas，convenienttohimself，inhis(Calton’s)dressing-roomonthe，second-floorback。
’TellMr。CaltonI’llcomedowndirectly，’saidMr。Septimustothe，boy。’Stop-isMr。Caltonunwell？’inquiredthisexcitedwalker，ofhospitals，asheputonabed-furniture-lookingdressing-gown。
’NotasIknowson，sir，’repliedtheboy。’Please，sir，he，lookedratherrum，asitmightbe。’
’Ah，that’snoproofofhisbeingill，’returnedHicks，unconsciously。’Verywell：，I’llbedowndirectly。’，Downstairs，rantheboywiththemessage，anddownwenttheexcitedHicks，himself，almostassoonasthemessagewasdelivered。’Tap，tap。’
’Comein。’-Dooropens，anddiscoversMr。Caltonsittinginan，easychair。Mutualshakesofthehandexchanged，andMr。Septimus，Hicksmotionedtoaseat。Ashortpause。Mr。Hickscoughed，and，Mr。Caltontookapinchofsnuff。Itwasoneofthoseinterviews，whereneitherpartyknowswhattosay。Mr。SeptimusHicksbroke，silence。
’Ireceivedanote-’hesaid，verytremulously，inavoicelikea，Punchwithacold。
’Yes，’returnedtheother，’youdid。’
’Exactly。’
’Yes。’
Now，althoughthisdialoguemusthavebeensatisfactory，both，gentlemenfelttherewassomethingmoreimportanttobesaid;
thereforetheydidasmostmeninsuchasituationwouldhavedone，-theylookedatthetablewithadeterminedaspect。The，conversationhadbeenopened，however，andMr。Caltonhadmadeup，hismindtocontinueitwitharegulardoubleknock。Healways，spokeverypompously。
’Hicks，’saidhe，’Ihavesentforyou，inconsequenceofcertain，arrangementswhicharependinginthishouse，connectedwitha，marriage。’
’Withamarriage！’gaspedHicks，comparedwithwhoseexpressionof，countenance，Hamlet’s，whenheseeshisfather’sghost，ispleasing，andcomposed。
’Withamarriage，’returnedtheknocker。’Ihavesentforyouto，provethegreatconfidenceIcanreposeinyou。’
’Andwillyoubetrayme？’eagerlyinquiredHicks，whoinhisalarm，hadevenforgottentoquote。
’IbetrayYOU！，Won’tYOUbetrayME？’
’Never：，nooneshallknow，tomydyingday，thatyouhadahandin，thebusiness，’respondedtheagitatedHicks，withaninflamed，countenance，andhishairstandingonendasifhewereonthe，stoolofanelectrifyingmachineinfulloperation。
’Peoplemustknowthat，sometimeorother-withinayear，I
imagine，’saidMr。Calton，withanairofgreatself-complacency。
’WeMAYhaveafamily。’
’WE！-Thatwon’taffectyou，surely？’
’Thedevilitwon’t！’
’No！howcanit？’saidthebewilderedHicks。Caltonwastoomuch，inwrappedinthecontemplationofhishappinesstoseethe，equivoquebetweenHicksandhimself;andthrewhimselfbackinhis，chair。’Oh，Matilda！’sighedtheantiquebeau，inalack-a-
daisicalvoice，andapplyinghisrighthandalittletotheleftof，thefourthbuttonofhiswaistcoat，countingfromthebottom。’Oh，Matilda！’
’WhatMatilda？’inquiredHicks，startingup。
’MatildaMaplesone，’respondedtheother，doingthesame。
’Imarryherto-morrowmorning，’saidHicks。
’It’sfalse，’rejoinedhiscompanion：，’Imarryher！’
’Youmarryher？’
’Imarryher！’
’YoumarryMatildaMaplesone？’
’MatildaMaplesone。’
’MISSMaplesonemarryYOU？’
’MissMaplesone！，No;Mrs。Maplesone。’
’GoodHeaven！’saidHicks，fallingintohischair：，’Youmarrythe，mother，andIthedaughter！’
’Mostextraordinarycircumstance！’repliedMr。Calton，’andrather，inconvenienttoo;forthefactis，thatowingtoMatilda’swishing，tokeepherintentionsecretfromherdaughtersuntiltheceremony，hadtakenplace，shedoesn’tlikeapplyingtoanyofherfriendsto，giveheraway。Ientertainanobjectiontomakingtheaffairknown，tomyacquaintancejustnow;andtheconsequenceis，thatIsentto，youtoknowwhetheryou’dobligemebyactingasfather。’
’Ishouldhavebeenmosthappy，Iassureyou，’saidHicks，ina，toneofcondolence;’but，yousee，Ishallbeactingasbridegroom。
Onecharacterisfrequentlyaconsequenceoftheother;butitis，notusualtoactinbothatthesametime。There’sSimpson-I
havenodoubthe’lldoitforyou。’
’Idon’tliketoaskhim，’repliedCalton，’he’ssuchadonkey。’
Mr。SeptimusHickslookedupattheceiling，anddownatthefloor;
atlastanideastruckhim。’Letthemanofthehouse，Tibbs，be，thefather，’hesuggested;andthenhequoted，aspeculiarly，applicabletoTibbsandthepair-
’OhPowersofHeaven！whatdarkeyesmeetsshethere？
’Tis-’tisherfather’s-fixeduponthepair。’
’Theideahasstruckmealready，’saidMr。Calton：，’but，yousee，Matilda，forwhatreasonIknownot，isveryanxiousthatMrs。
Tibbsshouldknownothingaboutit，tillit’sallover。It’sa，naturaldelicacy，afterall，youknow。’
’He’sthebest-naturedlittlemaninexistence，ifyoumanagehim，properly，’saidMr。SeptimusHicks。’Tellhimnottomentionitto，hiswife，andassurehimshewon’tmindit，andhe’lldoit，directly。Mymarriageistobeasecretone，onaccountofthe，motherandMYfather;thereforehemustbeenjoinedtosecrecy。’
Asmalldoubleknock，likeapresumptuoussingleone，wasthat，instantheardatthestreet-door。ItwasTibbs;itcouldbenoone，else;fornooneelseoccupiedfiveminutesinrubbinghisshoes。
Hehadbeenouttopaythebaker’sbill。
’Mr。Tibbs，’calledMr。Caltoninaveryblandtone，lookingover，thebanisters。
’Sir！’repliedheofthedirtyface。
’Willyouhavethekindnesstostepup-stairsforamoment？’
’Certainly，sir，’saidTibbs，delightedtobetakennoticeof。The，bedroom-doorwascarefullyclosed，andTibbs，havingputhishaton，thefloor(asmosttimidmendo)，andbeenaccommodatedwitha，seat，lookedasastoundedasifheweresuddenlysummonedbefore，thefamiliarsoftheInquisition。
’Aratherunpleasantoccurrence，Mr。Tibbs，’saidCalton，inavery，portentousmanner，’obligesmetoconsultyou，andtobegyouwill，notcommunicatewhatIamabouttosay，toyourwife。’
Tibbsacquiesced，wonderinginhisownmindwhatthedeucethe，othercouldhavedone，andimaginingthatatleasthemusthave，brokenthebestdecanters。
Mr。Caltonresumed;’Iamplaced，Mr。Tibbs，inratheran，unpleasantsituation。’
TibbslookedatMr。SeptimusHicks，asifhethoughtMr。H。’sbeing，intheimmediatevicinityofhisfellow-boardermightconstitute，theunpleasantnessofhissituation;butashedidnotexactlyknow，whattosay，hemerelyejaculatedthemonosyllable’Lor！’
’Now，’continuedtheknocker，’letmebegyouwillexhibitno，manifestationsofsurprise，whichmaybeoverheardbythe，domestics，whenItellyou-commandyourfeelingsofastonishment，-thattwoinmatesofthishouseintendtobemarriedto-morrow，morning。’，Andhedrewbackhischair，severalfeet，toperceive，theeffectoftheunlooked-forannouncement。
IfTibbshadrushedfromtheroom，staggereddown-stairs，and，faintedinthepassage-ifhehadinstantaneouslyjumpedoutof，thewindowintothemewsbehindthehouse，inanagonyofsurprise，-hisbehaviourwouldhavebeenmuchlessinexplicabletoMr。
Caltonthanitwas，whenheputhishandsintohisinexpressible-
pockets，andsaidwithahalf-chuckle，’Justso。’
’Youarenotsurprised，Mr。Tibbs？’inquiredMr。Calton。
’Blessyou，no，sir，’returnedTibbs;’afterall，itsverynatural。
Whentwoyoungpeoplegettogether，youknow-’
’Certainly，certainly，’saidCalton，withanindescribableairof，self-satisfaction。
’Youdon’tthinkit’satallanout-of-the-wayaffairthen？’asked，Mr。SeptimusHicks，whohadwatchedthecountenanceofTibbsin，muteastonishment。
’No，sir，’repliedTibbs;’Iwasjustthesameathisage。’，He，actuallysmiledwhenhesaidthis。
’HowdevilishwellImustcarrymyyears！’thoughtthedelighted，oldbeau，knowinghewasatleasttenyearsolderthanTibbsat，thatmoment。
’Well，then，tocometothepointatonce，’hecontinued，’Ihave，toaskyouwhetheryouwillobjecttoactasfatheronthe，occasion？’
’Certainlynot，’repliedTibbs;stillwithoutevincinganatomof，surprise。
’Youwillnot？’
’Decidedlynot，’reiteratedTibbs，stillascalmasapotofporter，withtheheadoff。
Mr。Caltonseizedthehandofthepetticoat-governedlittleman，andvowedeternalfriendshipfromthathour。Hicks，whowasall，admirationandsurprise，didthesame。
’Now，confess，’askedMr。CaltonofTibbs，ashepickeduphishat，’wereyounotalittlesurprised？’
’Ib’lieveyou！’repliedthatillustriousperson，holdingupone，hand;’Ib’lieveyou！，WhenIfirstheardofit。’
’Sosudden，’saidSeptimusHicks。
’SostrangetoaskME，youknow，’saidTibbs。
’Sooddaltogether！’saidthesuperannuatedlove-maker;andthen，allthreelaughed。
’Isay，’saidTibbs，shuttingthedoorwhichhehadpreviously，opened，andgivingfullventtoahithertocorked-upgiggle，’what，bothersmeis，whatWILLhisfathersay？’
Mr。SeptimusHickslookedatMr。Calton。
’Yes;butthebestofitis，’saidthelatter，gigglinginhis，turn，’Ihaven’tgotafather-he！he！he！’
’Youhaven’tgotafather。No;butHEhas，’saidTibbs。
’WHOhas？’inquiredSeptimusHicks。
’Why，HIM。’
’Him，who？，Doyouknowmysecret？，Doyoumeanme？’
’You！，No;youknowwhoImean，’returnedTibbswithaknowing，wink。
’ForHeaven’ssake，whomdoyoumean？’inquiredMr。Calton，who，likeSeptimusHicks，wasallbutoutofhissensesatthestrange，confusion。
’WhyMr。Simpson，ofcourse，’repliedTibbs;’whoelsecouldI
mean？’
’Iseeitall，’saidtheByron-quoter;’SimpsonmarriesJulia，Maplesoneto-morrowmorning！’
’Undoubtedly，’repliedTibbs，thoroughlysatisfied，’ofcoursehe，does。’
ItwouldrequirethepencilofHogarthtoillustrate-ourfeeble，penisinadequatetodescribe-theexpressionwhichthe，countenancesofMr。CaltonandMr。SeptimusHicksrespectively，assumed，atthisunexpectedannouncement。Equallyimpossibleisit，todescribe，althoughperhapsitiseasierforourladyreadersto，imagine，whatartsthethreeladiescouldhaveused，socompletely，toentangletheirseparatepartners。Whatevertheywere，however，theyweresuccessful。Themotherwasperfectlyawareofthe，intendedmarriageofbothdaughters;andtheyoungladieswere，equallyacquaintedwiththeintentionoftheirestimableparent。
Theyagreed，however，thatitwouldhaveamuchbetterappearance，ifeachfeignedignoranceoftheother’sengagement;anditwas，equallydesirablethatallthemarriagesshouldtakeplaceonthe，sameday，topreventthediscoveryofoneclandestinealliance，operatingprejudiciallyontheothers。Hence，themystificationof，Mr。CaltonandMr。SeptimusHicks，andthepre-engagementofthe，unwaryTibbs。
Onthefollowingmorning，Mr。SeptimusHickswasunitedtoMiss，MatildaMaplesone。Mr。Simpsonalsoenteredintoa’holyalliance’
withMissJulia;Tibbsactingasfather，’hisfirstappearancein，thatcharacter。’，Mr。Calton，notbeingquitesoeagerasthetwo，youngmen，wasratherstruckbythedoublediscovery;andashehad，foundsomedifficultyingettinganyonetogivetheladyaway，it，occurredtohimthatthebestmodeofobviatingtheinconvenience，wouldbenottotakeheratall。Thelady，however，’appealed，’as，hercounselsaidonthetrialofthecause，MAPLESONEv。CALTON，forabreachofpromise，’withabrokenheart，totheoutragedlaws，ofhercountry。’，Sherecovereddamagestotheamountof1，000L。
whichtheunfortunateknockerwascompelledtopay。Mr。Septimus，Hickshavingwalkedthehospitals，tookitintohisheadtowalk，offaltogether。Hisinjuredwifeisatpresentresidingwithher，motheratBoulogne。Mr。Simpson，havingthemisfortunetolosehis，wifesixweeksaftermarriage(byherelopingwithanofficer，duringhistemporarysojournintheFleetPrison，inconsequenceof，hisinabilitytodischargeherlittlemantua-maker’sbill)，and，beingdisinheritedbyhisfather，whodiedsoonafterwards，was，fortunateenoughtoobtainapermanentengagementatafashionable，haircutter’s;hairdressingbeingasciencetowhichhehad，frequentlydirectedhisattention。Inthissituationhehad，necessarilymanyopportunitiesofmakinghimselfacquaintedwith，thehabits，andstyleofthinking，oftheexclusiveportionofthe，nobilityofthiskingdom。Tothisfortunatecircumstancearewe，indebtedfortheproductionofthosebrillianteffortsofgenius，hisfashionablenovels，whichsolongasgoodtaste，unsulliedby，exaggeration，cant，andquackery，continuestoexist，cannotfail，toinstructandamusethethinkingportionofthecommunity。
Itonlyremainstoadd，thatthiscomplicationofdisorders，completelydeprivedpoorMrs。Tibbsofallherinmates，exceptthe，onewhomshecouldhavebestspared-herhusband。Thatwretched，littlemanreturnedhome，onthedayofthewedding，inastateof，partialintoxication;and，undertheinfluenceofwine，excitement，anddespair，actuallydaredtobravetheangerofhiswife。Since，thatill-fatedhourhehasconstantlytakenhismealsinthe，kitchen，towhichapartment，itisunderstood，hiswitticismswill，beinfutureconfined：，aturn-upbedsteadhavingbeenconveyed，therebyMrs。Tibbs’sorderforhisexclusiveaccommodation。Itis，possiblethathewillbeenabledtofinish，inthatseclusion，his，storyofthevolunteers。
Theadvertisementhasagainappearedinthemorningpapers。
Resultsmustbereservedforanotherchapter。
CHAPTERTHESECOND。
’Well！’saidlittleMrs。Tibbstoherself，asshesatinthefront，parlouroftheCoram-streetmansiononemorning，mendingapieceof，stair-carpetoffthefirstLandings;-’Thingshavenotturnedout，sobadly，either，andifIonlygetafavourableanswertothe，advertisement，weshallbefullagain。’
Mrs。Tibbsresumedheroccupationofmakingworstedlattice-workin，thecarpet，anxiouslylisteningtothetwopennypostman，whowas，hammeringhiswaydownthestreet，attherateofapennyaknock。
Thehousewasasquietaspossible。Therewasonlyonelowsound，tobeheard-itwastheunhappyTibbscleaningthegentlemen’s，bootsinthebackkitchen，andaccompanyinghimselfwithabuzzing，noise，inwretchedmockeryofhummingatune。
Thepostmandrewnearthehouse。Hepaused-sodidMrs。Tibbs。A
knock-abustle-aletter-post-paid。
’T。I。presentscompt。toI。T。andT。I。begsTosaythatisee，theadvertisementAndshewillDoHerselfthepleasureofcalling，Onyouat12o’clockto-morrowmorning。
’T。I。asToapologisetoI。T。fortheshortnessOfthenoticeBut，ihopeitwillnotunconvenienceyou。
’IremainyoursTruly，’Wednesdayevening。’
LittleMrs。Tibbsperusedthedocument，overandoveragain;and，themoreshereadit，themorewassheconfusedbythemixtureof，thefirstandthirdperson;thesubstitutionofthe’i’forthe’T。
I。;’andthetransitionfromthe’I。T。’tothe’You。’，The，writinglookedlikeaskeinofthreadinatangle，andthenotewas，ingeniouslyfoldedintoaperfectsquare，withthedirection，squeezedupintotheright-handcorner，asifitwereashamedof，itself。Thebackoftheepistlewaspleasinglyornamentedwitha，largeredwafer，which，withtheadditionofdiversink-stains，boreamarvellousresemblancetoablackbeetletroddenupon。One，thing，however，wasperfectlycleartotheperplexedMrs。Tibbs。
Somebodywastocallattwelve。Thedrawing-roomwasforthwith，dustedforthethirdtimethatmorning;threeorfourchairswere，pulledoutoftheirplaces，andacorrespondingnumberofbooks，carefullyupset，inorderthattheremightbeadueabsenceof，formality。Downwentthepieceofstair-carpetbeforenoticed，and，upranMrs。Tibbs’tomakeherselftidy。’
TheclockofNewSaintPancrasChurchstrucktwelve，andthe，Foundling，withlaudablepoliteness，didthesametenminutes，afterwards，Saintsomethingelsestruckthequarter，andthenthere，arrivedasingleladywithadoubleknock，inapelissethecolour，oftheinteriorofadamsonpie;abonnetofthesame，witha，regularconservatoryofartificialflowers;awhiteveil，anda，greenparasol，withacobwebborder。
Thevisitor(whowasveryfatandred-faced)wasshownintothe，drawing-room;Mrs。Tibbspresentedherself，andthenegotiation，commenced。
’Icalledinconsequenceofanadvertisement，’saidthestranger，inavoiceasifshehadbeenplayingasetofPan’spipesfora，fortnightwithoutleavingoff。
’Yes！’saidMrs。Tibbs，rubbingherhandsveryslowly，andlooking，theapplicantfullintheface-twothingsshealwaysdidonsuch，occasions。
’Moneyisn’tnoobjectwhatevertome，’saidthelady，’somuchas，livinginastateofretirementandobtrusion。’
Mrs。Tibbs，asamatterofcourse，acquiescedinsuchan，exceedinglynaturaldesire。
’Iamconstantlyattendedbyamedicalman，’resumedthepelisse，wearer;’Ihavebeenashockingunitarianforsometime-I，indeed，havehadverylittlepeacesincethedeathofMr。Bloss。’
Mrs。TibbslookedattherelictofthedepartedBloss，andthought，hemusthavehadverylittlepeaceinhistime。Ofcourseshe，couldnotsayso;soshelookedverysympathising。
’Ishallbeagooddealoftroubletoyou，’saidMrs。Bloss;’but，forthattroubleIamwillingtopay。Iamgoingthroughacourse，oftreatmentwhichrendersattentionnecessary。Ihaveonemutton-
chopinbedathalf-pasteight，andanotheratten，everymorning。’
Mrs。Tibbs，asindutybound，expressedthepityshefeltfor，anybodyplacedinsuchadistressingsituation;andthecarnivorous，Mrs。Blossproceededtoarrangethevariouspreliminarieswith，wonderfuldespatch。’Nowmind，’saidthatlady，aftertermswere，arranged;’Iamtohavethesecond-floorfront，formybed-room？’
’Yes，ma’am。’
’Andyou’llfindroomformylittleservantAgnes？’
’Oh！certainly。’
’AndIcanhaveoneofthecellarsintheareaformybottled，porter。’
’Withthegreatestpleasure;-Jamesshallgetitreadyforyouby，Saturday。’
’AndI’lljointhecompanyatthebreakfast-tableonSunday，morning，’saidMrs。Bloss。’Ishallgetuponpurpose。’
’Verywell，’returnedMrs。Tibbs，inhermostamiabletone;for，satisfactoryreferenceshad’beengivenandrequired，’anditwas，quitecertainthatthenew-comerhadplentyofmoney。’It’srather，singular，’continuedMrs。Tibbs，withwhatwasmeantforamost，bewitchingsmile，’thatwehaveagentlemannowwithus，whoisin，averydelicatestateofhealth-aMr。Gobler-Hisapartmentis，thebackdrawing-room。’
’Thenextroom？’inquiredMrs。Bloss。
’Thenextroom，’repeatedthehostess。
’Howverypromiscuous！’ejaculatedthewidow。
’Hehardlyevergetsup，’saidMrs。Tibbsinawhisper。
’Lor！’criedMrs。Bloss，inanequallylowtone。
’Andwhenheisup，’saidMrs。Tibbs，’wenevercanpersuadehimto，gotobedagain。’
’Dearme！’saidtheastonishedMrs。Bloss，drawingherchairnearer，Mrs。Tibbs。’Whatishiscomplaint？’
’Why，thefactis，’repliedMrs。Tibbs，withamostcommunicative，air，’hehasnostomachwhatever。’
’Nowhat？’inquiredMrs。Bloss，withalookofthemost，indescribablealarm。
’Nostomach，’repeatedMrs。Tibbs，withashakeofthehead。
’Lordblessus！whatanextraordinarycase！’gaspedMrs。Bloss，as，ifsheunderstoodthecommunicationinitsliteralsense，andwas，astonishedatagentlemanwithoutastomachfindingitnecessaryto，boardanywhere。
’WhenIsayhehasnostomach，’explainedthechattylittleMrs。
Tibbs，’Imeanthathisdigestionissomuchimpaired，andhis，interiorsoderanged，thathisstomachisnotoftheleastuseto，him;-infact，it’saninconvenience。’
’Neverheardsuchacaseinmylife！’exclaimedMrs。Bloss。’Why，he’sworsethanIam。’
’Oh，yes！’repliedMrs。Tibbs;-’certainly。’，Shesaidthiswith，greatconfidence，forthedamsonpelissesuggestedthatMrs。Bloss，atallevents，wasnotsufferingunderMr。Gobler’scomplaint。
’Youhavequiteincitedmycuriosity，’saidMrs。Bloss，assherose，todepart。’HowIlongtoseehim！’
’Hegenerallycomesdown，onceaweek，’repliedMrs。Tibbs;’Idare，sayyou’llseehimonSunday。’，WiththisconsolatorypromiseMrs。
Blosswasobligedtobecontented。Sheaccordinglywalkedslowly，downthestairs，detailinghercomplaintsalltheway;andMrs。
Tibbsfollowedher，utteringanexclamationofcompassionatevery，step。James(wholookedverygritty，forhewascleaningthe，knives)fellupthekitchen-stairs，andopenedthestreet-door;
and，aftermutualfarewells，Mrs。Blossslowlydeparted，downthe，shadysideofthestreet。
Itisalmostsuperfluoustosay，thattheladywhomwehavejust，shownoutatthestreet-door(andwhomthetwofemaleservantsare，nowinspectingfromthesecond-floorwindows)wasexceedingly，vulgar，ignorant，andselfish。Herdeceasedbetter-halfhadbeen，aneminentcork-cutter，inwhichcapacityhehadamassedadecent，fortune。Hehadnorelativebuthisnephew，andnofriendbuthis，cook。Theformerhadtheinsolenceonemorningtoaskfortheloan，offifteenpounds;and，bywayofretaliation，hemarriedthe，latternextday;hemadeawillimmediatelyafterwards，containing，aburstofhonestindignationagainsthisnephew(whosupported，himselfandtwosisterson100L。ayear)，andabequestofhis，wholepropertytohiswife。Hefeltillafterbreakfast，anddied，afterdinner。Thereisamantelpiece-lookingtabletinacivic，parishchurch，settingforthhisvirtues，anddeploringhisloss。
Heneverdishonouredabill，orgaveawayahalfpenny。
Therelictandsoleexecutrixofthisnoble-mindedmanwasanodd，mixtureofshrewdnessandsimplicity，liberalityandmeanness。
Bredupasshehadbeen，sheknewnomodeoflivingsoagreeableas，aboarding-house：，andhavingnothingtodo，andnothingtowish，for，shenaturallyimaginedshemustbeill-animpressionwhich，wasmostassiduouslypromotedbyhermedicalattendant，Dr。Wosky，andherhandmaidAgnes：，bothofwhom，doubtlessforgoodreasons，encouragedallherextravagantnotions。
Sincethecatastropherecordedinthelastchapter，Mrs。Tibbshad，beenveryshyofyoung-ladyboarders。Herpresentinmateswereall，lordsofthecreation，andsheavailedherselfoftheopportunity，oftheirassemblageatthedinner-table，toannouncetheexpected，arrivalofMrs。Bloss。Thegentlemenreceivedthecommunication，withstoicalindifference，andMrs。Tibbsdevotedallherenergies，toprepareforthereceptionofthevaletudinarian。Thesecond-
floorfrontwasscrubbed，andwashed，andflannelled，tillthewet，wentthroughtothedrawing-roomceiling。Cleanwhite，counterpanes，andcurtains，andnapkins，water-bottlesasclearas，crystal，bluejugs，andmahoganyfurniture，addedtothesplendour，andincreasedthecomfort，oftheapartment。Thewarming-panwas，inconstantrequisition，andafirelightedintheroomeveryday。
ThechattelsofMrs。Blosswereforwardedbyinstalments。First，therecamealargehamperofGuinness’sstout，andanumbrella;
then，atrainoftrunks;then，apairofclogsandabandbox;then，aneasychairwithanair-cushion;then，avarietyofsuspicious-
lookingpackages;and-’thoughlastnotleast’-Mrs。Blossand，Agnes：，thelatterinacherry-colouredmerinodress，open-work，stockings，andshoeswithsandals：，likeadisguisedColumbine。
TheinstallationoftheDukeofWellington，asChancellorofthe，UniversityofOxford，wasnothing，inpointofbustleandturmoil，totheinstallationofMrs。Blossinhernewquarters。True，there，wasnobrightdoctorofcivillawtodeliveraclassicaladdresson，theoccasion;buttherewereseveralotheroldwomenpresent，who，spokequiteasmuchtothepurpose，andunderstoodthemselves，equallywell。Thechop-eaterwassofatiguedwiththeprocessof，removalthatshedeclinedleavingherroomuntilthefollowing，morning;soamutton-chop，pickle，apill，apintbottleofstout，andothermedicines，werecarriedup-stairsforherconsumption。
’Why，whatDOyouthink，ma’am？’inquiredtheinquisitiveAgnesof，hermistress，aftertheyhadbeeninthehousesomethreehours;
’whatDOyouthink，ma’am？theladyofthehouseismarried。’
’Married！’saidMrs。Bloss，takingthepillandadraughtof，Guinness-’married！，Unpossible！’
’Sheisindeed，ma’am，’returnedtheColumbine;’andherhusband，ma’am，lives-he-he-he-livesinthekitchen，ma’am。’
’Inthekitchen！’
’Yes，ma’am：，andhe-he-he-thehousemaidsays，henevergoes，intotheparlourexceptonSundays;andthatMs。Tibbsmakeshim，cleanthegentlemen’sboots;andthathecleansthewindows，too，sometimes;andthatonemorningearly，whenhewasinthefront，balconycleaningthedrawing-roomwindows，hecalledouttoa，gentlemanontheoppositesideoftheway，whousedtolivehere-
“Ah！，Mr。Calton，sir，howareyou？”’，Heretheattendantlaughed，tillMrs。Blosswasinseriousapprehensionofherchuckling，herselfintoafit。
’Well，Inever！’saidMrs。Bloss。
’Yes。Andplease，ma’am，theservantsgiveshimgin-and-water，sometimes;andthenhecries，andsayshehateshiswifeandthe，boarders，andwantstoticklethem。’
’Tickletheboarders！’exclaimedMrs。Bloss，seriouslyalarmed。
’No，ma’am，nottheboarders，theservants。’
’Oh，isthatall！’saidMrs。Bloss，quitesatisfied。
’HewantedtokissmeasIcameupthekitchen-stairs，justnow，’
saidAgnes，indignantly;’butIgaveithim-alittlewretch！’
Thisintelligencewasbuttootrue。Alongcourseofsnubbingand，neglect;hisdaysspentinthekitchen，andhisnightsintheturn-
upbedstead，hadcompletelybrokenthelittlespiritthatthe，unfortunatevolunteerhadeverpossessed。Hehadnoonetowhomhe，coulddetailhisinjuriesbuttheservants，andtheywerealmostof，necessityhischosenconfidants。Itisnolessstrangethantrue，however，thatthelittleweaknesseswhichhehadincurred，most，probablyduringhismilitarycareer，seemedtoincreaseashis，comfortsdiminished。HewasactuallyasortofjourneymanGiovanni，ofthebasementstory。
Thenextmorning，beingSunday，breakfastwaslaidinthefront，parlouratteno’clock。Ninewastheusualtime，butthefamily，alwaysbreakfastedanhourlateronsabbath。Tibbsenrobedhimself，inhisSundaycostume-ablackcoat，andexceedinglyshort，thin，trousers;withaverylargewhitewaistcoat，whitestockingsand，cravat，andBlucherboots-andmountedtotheparlouraforesaid。
Nobodyhadcomedown，andheamusedhimselfbydrinkingthe，contentsofthemilkpotwithateaspoon。
Apairofslipperswerehearddescendingthestairs。Tibbsflewto，achair;andastern-lookingman，ofaboutfifty，withverylittle，haironhishead，andaSundaypaperinhishand，enteredtheroom。
’Goodmorning，Mr。Evenson，’saidTibbs，veryhumbly，with，somethingbetweenanodandabow。
’Howdoyoudo，Mr。Tibbs？’repliedheoftheslippers，ashesat，himselfdown，andbegantoreadhispaperwithoutsayinganother，word。
’IsMr。Wisbottleintownto-day，doyouknow，sir？’inquired，Tibbs，justforthesakeofsayingsomething。
’Ishouldthinkhewas，’repliedthesterngentleman。’Hewas，whistling“TheLightGuitar，“inthenextroomtomine，atfive，o’clockthismorning。’
’He’sveryfondofwhistling，’saidTibbs，withaslightsmirk。
’Yes-Iain’t，’wasthelaconicreply。
Mr。JohnEvensonwasinthereceiptofanindependentincome，arisingchieflyfromvarioushousesheownedinthedifferent，suburbs。Hewasverymoroseanddiscontented。Hewasathorough，radical，andusedtoattendagreatvarietyofpublicmeetings，for，theexpresspurposeoffindingfaultwitheverythingthatwas，proposed。Mr。Wisbottle，ontheotherhand，wasahighTory。He，wasaclerkintheWoodsandForestsOffice，whichheconsidered，ratheranaristocraticemployment;heknewthepeeragebyheart，and，couldtellyou，off-hand，whereanyillustriouspersonage，lived。Hehadagoodsetofteeth，andacapitaltailor。Mr。
Evensonlookedonallthesequalificationswithprofoundcontempt;
andtheconsequencewasthatthetwowerealwaysdisputing，muchto，theedificationoftherestofthehouse。Itshouldbeadded，that，inadditiontohispartialityforwhistling，Mr。Wisbottle，hadagreatideaofhissingingpowers。Thereweretwoother，boarders，besidesthegentlemaninthebackdrawing-room-Mr。
AlfredTomkinsandMr。FrederickO’Bleary。Mr。Tomkinswasaclerk，inawine-house;hewasaconnoisseurinpaintings，andhada，wonderfuleyeforthepicturesque。Mr。O’BlearywasanIrishman，recentlyimported;hewasinaperfectlywildstate;andhadcome，overtoEnglandtobeanapothecary，aclerkinagovernment，office，anactor，areporter，oranythingelsethatturnedup-he，wasnotparticular。HewasonfamiliartermswithtwosmallIrish，members，andgotfranksforeverybodyinthehouse。Hefelt，convincedthathisintrinsicmeritsmustprocurehimahigh，destiny。Heworeshepherd’s-plaidinexpressibles，andusedtolook，underalltheladies’bonnetsashewalkedalongthestreets。His，mannersandappearanceremindedoneofOrson。
’HerecomesMr。Wisbottle，’saidTibbs;andMr。Wisbottleforthwith，appearedinblueslippers，andashawldressing-gown，whistling’DI
PIACER。’
’Goodmorning，sir，’saidTibbsagain。Itwasalmosttheonly，thingheeversaidtoanybody，’Howareyou，Tibbs？’condescendinglyrepliedtheamateur;andhe，walkedtothewindow，andwhistledlouderthanever。
’Prettyair，that！’saidEvenson，withasnarl，andwithouttaking，hiseyesoffthepaper。
’Gladyoulikeit，’repliedWisbottle，highlygratified。
’Don’tyouthinkitwouldsoundbetter，ifyouwhistleditalittle，louder？’inquiredthemastiff。
’No;Idon’tthinkitwould，’rejoinedtheunconsciousWisbottle。
’I’lltellyouwhat，Wisbottle，’saidEvenson，whohadbeen，bottlinguphisangerforsomehours-’thenexttimeyoufeel，disposedtowhistle“TheLightGuitar“atfiveo’clockinthe，morning，I’lltroubleyoutowhistleitwithyourheadouto’
window。Ifyoudon’t，I’lllearnthetriangle-Iwill，by-’
TheentranceofMrs。Tibbs(withthekeysinalittlebasket)
interruptedthethreat，andpreventeditsconclusion。
Mrs。Tibbsapologisedforbeingdownratherlate;thebellwas，rung;Jamesbroughtuptheurn，andreceivedanunlimitedorderfor，drytoastandbacon。Tibbssatdownatthebottomofthetable，andbeganeatingwater-cresseslikeaNebuchadnezzar。Mr。O’Bleary，appeared，andMr。AlfredTomkins。Thecomplimentsofthemorning，wereexchanged，andtheteawasmade。
’Godblessme！’exclaimedTomkins，whohadbeenlookingoutatthe，window。’Here-Wisbottle-praycomehere-makehaste。’
Mr。Wisbottlestartedfromthetable，andeveryonelookedup。
’Doyousee，’saidtheconnoisseur，placingWisbottleintheright，position-’alittlemorethisway：，there-doyouseehow，splendidlythelightfallsupontheleftsideofthatbroken，chimney-potatNo。48？’
’Dearme！，Isee，’repliedWisbottle，inatoneofadmiration。
’Ineversawanobjectstandoutsobeautifullyagainsttheclear，skyinmylife，’ejaculatedAlfred。Everybody(exceptJohn，Evenson)echoedthesentiment;forMr。Tomkinshadagreat，characterforfindingoutbeautieswhichnooneelsecoulddiscover，-hecertainlydeservedit。
’Ihavefrequentlyobservedachimney-potinCollege-green，Dublin，whichhasamuchbettereffect，’saidthepatrioticO’Bleary，who，neverallowedIrelandtobeoutdoneonanypoint。
Theassertionwasreceivedwithobviousincredulity，forMr。
Tomkinsdeclaredthatnootherchimney-potintheUnitedKingdom，brokenorunbroken，couldbesobeautifulastheoneatNo。48。
Theroom-doorwassuddenlythrownopen，andAgnesappeared，leading，inMrs。Bloss，whowasdressedinageranium-colouredmuslingown，anddisplayedagoldwatchofhugedimensions;achaintomatch;
andasplendidassortmentofrings，withenormousstones。A
generalrushwasmadeforachair，andaregularintroductiontook，place。Mr。JohnEvensonmadeaslightinclinationofthehead;Mr。
FrederickO’Bleary，Mr。AlfredTomkins，andMr。Wisbottle，bowed，likethemandarinsinagrocer’sshop;Tibbsrubbedhands，andwent，roundincircles。Hewasobservedtocloseoneeye，andtoassume，aclock-worksortofexpressionwiththeother;thishasbeen，consideredasawink，andithasbeenreportedthatAgneswasits，object。Werepelthecalumny，andchallengecontradiction。
Mrs。TibbsinquiredafterMrs。Bloss’shealthinalowtone。Mrs。
Bloss，withasupremecontemptforthememoryofLindleyMurray，answeredthevariousquestionsinamostsatisfactorymanner;anda，pauseensued，duringwhichtheeatablesdisappearedwithawful，rapidity。
’Youmusthavebeenverymuchpleasedwiththeappearanceofthe，ladiesgoingtotheDrawing-roomtheotherday，Mr。O’Bleary？’said，Mrs。Tibbs，hopingtostartatopic。
’Yes，’repliedOrson，withamouthfuloftoast。
’Neversawanythinglikeitbefore，Isuppose？’suggested，Wisbottle。
’No-excepttheLordLieutenant’slevees，’repliedO’Bleary。
’Aretheyatallequaltoourdrawing-rooms？’
’Oh，infinitelysuperior！’
’Gad！，Idon’tknow，’saidthearistocraticWisbottle，’theDowager，MarchionessofPubliccashwasmostmagnificentlydressed，andso，wastheBaronSlappenbachenhausen。’
’Whatwashepresentedon？’inquiredEvenson。
’OnhisarrivalinEngland。’
’Ithoughtso，’growledtheradical;’youneverhearofthese，fellowsbeingpresentedontheirgoingawayagain。Theyknow，betterthanthat。’
’Unlesssomebodypervadesthemwithanapintment，’saidMrs。Bloss，joiningintheconversationinafaintvoice。
’Well，’saidWisbottle，evadingthepoint，’it’sasplendidsight。’
’Anddiditneveroccurtoyou，’inquiredtheradical，whonever，wouldbequiet;’diditneveroccurtoyou，thatyoupayforthese，preciousornamentsofsociety？’
’ItcertainlyHASoccurredtome，’saidWisbottle，whothoughtthis，answerwasaposer;’itHASoccurredtome，andIamwillingtopay，forthem。’
’Well，andithasoccurredtometoo，’repliedJohnEvenson，’andI
ain’twillingtopayfor’em。ThenwhyshouldI？-Isay，why，shouldI？’continuedthepolitician，layingdownthepaper，and，knockinghisknucklesonthetable。’Therearetwogreat，principles-demand-’
’Acupofteaifyouplease，dear，’interruptedTibbs。
’Andsupply-’
’MayItroubleyoutohandthisteatoMr。Tibbs？’saidMrs。Tibbs，interruptingtheargument，andunconsciouslyillustratingit。
Thethreadoftheorator’sdiscoursewasbroken。Hedrankhistea，andresumedthepaper。
’Ifit’sveryfine，’saidMr。AlfredTomkins，addressingthe，companyingeneral，’IshallridedowntoRichmondto-day，andcome，backbythesteamer。Therearesomesplendideffectsoflightand，shadeontheThames;thecontrastbetweenthebluenessofthesky，andtheyellowwaterisfrequentlyexceedinglybeautiful。’，Mr。
Wisbottlehummed，’Flowon，thoushiningriver。’
’Wehavesomesplendidsteam-vesselsinIreland，’saidO’Bleary。
’Certainly，’saidMrs。Bloss，delightedtofindasubjectbroached，inwhichshecouldtakepart。
’Theaccommodationsareextraordinary，’saidO’Bleary。
’Extraordinaryindeed，’returnedMrs。Bloss。’WhenMr。Blosswas，alive，hewaspromiscuouslyobligatedtogotoIrelandonbusiness。
Iwentwithhim，andralythemannerinwhichtheladiesand，gentlemenwereaccommodatedwithberths，isnotcreditable。’
Tibbs，whohadbeenlisteningtothedialogue，lookedaghast，and，evincedastronginclinationtoaskaquestion，butwascheckedby，alookfromhiswife。Mr。Wisbottlelaughed，andsaidTomkinshad，madeapun;andTomkinslaughedtoo，andsaidhehadnot。
Theremainderofthemealpassedoffasbreakfastsusuallydo。
Conversationflagged，andpeopleplayedwiththeirteaspoons。The，gentlemenlookedoutatthewindow;walkedabouttheroom;and，whentheygotnearthedoor，droppedoffonebyone。Tibbsretired，tothebackparlourbyhiswife’sorders，tocheckthegreen-
grocer’sweeklyaccount;andultimatelyMrs。TibbsandMrs。Bloss，wereleftalonetogether。
’Ohdear！’saidthelatter，’Ifeelalarminglyfaint;it’svery，singular。’，(Itcertainlywas，forshehadeatenfourpoundsof，solidsthatmorning。)，’By-the-bye，’saidMrs。Bloss，’Ihavenot，seenMr。What’s-his-nameyet。’
’Mr。Gobler？’suggestedMrs。Tibbs。
’Yes。’
’Oh！’saidMrs。Tibbs，’heisamostmysteriousperson。Hehashis，mealsregularlysentup-stairs，andsometimesdon’tleavehisroom，forweekstogether。’
’Ihaven’tseenorheardnothingofhim，’repeatedMrs。Bloss。
’Idaresayyou’llhearhimto-night，’repliedMrs。Tibbs;’he，generallygroansagooddealonSundayevenings。’
’Ineverfeltsuchaninterestinanyoneinmylife，’ejaculated，Mrs。Bloss。Alittledouble-knockinterruptedtheconversation;
Dr。Woskywasannounced，anddulyshownin。Hewasalittleman，witharedface-dressedofcourseinblack，withastiffwhite，neckerchief。Hehadaverygoodpractice，andplentyofmoney，whichhehadamassedbyinvariablyhumouringtheworstfanciesof，allthefemalesofallthefamilieshehadeverbeenintroduced，into。Mrs。Tibbsofferedtoretire，butwasentreatedtostay。
’Well，mydearma’am，andhowarewe？’inquiredWosky，ina，soothingtone。
’Veryill，doctor-veryill，’saidMrs。Bloss，inawhisper，’Ah！wemusttakecareofourselves;-wemust，indeed，’saidthe，obsequiousWosky，ashefeltthepulseofhisinterestingpatient。
’Howisourappetite？’
Mrs。Blossshookherhead。
’Ourfriendrequiresgreatcare，’saidWosky，appealingtoMrs。
Tibbs，whoofcourseassented。’Ihope，however，withtheblessing，ofProvidence，thatweshallbeenabledtomakeherquitestout，again。’，Mrs。Tibbswonderedinherownmindwhatthepatientwould，bewhenshewasmadequitestout。
’Wemusttakestimulants，’saidthecunningWosky-’plentyof，nourishment，and，aboveall，wemustkeepournervesquiet;we，positivelymustnotgivewaytooursensibilities。Wemusttake，allwecanget，’concludedthedoctor，ashepocketedhisfee，’and，wemustkeepquiet。’
’Dearman！’exclaimedMrs。Bloss，asthedoctorsteppedintothe，carriage。
’Charmingcreatureindeed-quitealady’sman！’saidMrs。Tibbs，andDr。Woskyrattledawaytomakefreshgullsofdelicatefemales，andpocketfreshfees。
Aswehadoccasion，inaformerpaper，todescribeadinneratMrs。
Tibbs’s;andasonemealwentoffverylikeanotheronallordinary，occasions;wewillnotfatigueourreadersbyenteringintoany，otherdetailedaccountofthedomesticeconomyofthe，establishment。Wewillthereforeproceedtoevents，merely，premisingthatthemysterioustenantofthebackdrawing-roomwasa，lazy，selfishhypochondriac;alwayscomplainingandneverill。As，hischaracterinmanyrespectscloselyassimilatedtothatofMrs。
Bloss，averywarmfriendshipsoonsprungupbetweenthem。Hewas，tall，thin，andpale;healwaysfanciedhehadaseverepain，somewhereorother，andhisfaceinvariablyworeapinched，screwed-upexpression;helooked，indeed，likeamanwhohadgot，hisfeetinatubofexceedinglyhotwater，againsthiswill。
FortwoorthreemonthsafterMrs。Bloss’sfirstappearancein，Coram-street，JohnEvensonwasobservedtobecome，everyday，more，sarcasticandmoreill-natured;andtherewasadegreeof，additionalimportanceinhismanner，whichclearlyshowedthathe，fanciedhehaddiscoveredsomething，whichheonlywantedaproper，opportunityofdivulging。Hefounditatlast。
Oneevening，thedifferentinmatesofthehousewereassembledin，thedrawing-roomengagedintheirordinaryoccupations。Mr。Gobler，andMrs。Blossweresittingatasmallcard-tablenearthecentre，window，playingcribbage;Mr。Wisbottlewasdescribingsemicircles，onthemusic-stool，turningovertheleavesofabookonthepiano，andhummingmostmelodiously;AlfredTomkinswassittingatthe，roundtable，withhiselbowsdulysquared，makingapencilsketch，ofaheadconsiderablylargerthanhisown;O’Blearywasreading，Horace，andtryingtolookasifheunderstoodit;andJohnEvenson，haddrawnhischairclosetoMrs。Tibbs’swork-table，andwas，talkingtoherveryearnestlyinalowtone。
’Icanassureyou，Mrs。Tibbs，’saidtheradical，layinghis，forefingeronthemuslinshewasatworkon;’Icanassureyou，Mrs。Tibbs，thatnothingbuttheinterestItakeinyourwelfare，wouldinducemetomakethiscommunication。Irepeat，Ifear，Wisbottleisendeavouringtogaintheaffectionsofthatyoung，woman，Agnes，andthatheisinthehabitofmeetingherinthe，store-roomonthefirstfloor，overtheleads。FrommybedroomI
distinctlyheardvoicesthere，lastnight。Iopenedmydoor，immediately，andcreptverysoftlyontothelanding;thereIsaw，Mr。Tibbs，who，itseems，hadbeendisturbedalso-Blessme，Mrs。
Tibbs，youchangecolour！’
’No，no-it’snothing，’returnedMrs。T。inahurriedmanner;
’it’sonlytheheatoftheroom。’
’Aflush！’ejaculatedMrs。Blossfromthecard-table;’that’sgood，forfour。’
’IfIthoughtitwasMr。Wisbottle，’saidMrs。Tibbs，aftera，pause，’heshouldleavethishouseinstantly。’
’Go！’saidMrs。Blossagain。
’AndifIthought，’continuedthehostesswithamostthreatening，air，’ifIthoughthewasassistedbyMr。Tibbs-’
’Oneforhisnob！’saidGobler。
’Oh，’saidEvenson，inamostsoothingtone-helikedtomake，mischief-’IshouldhopeMr。Tibbswasnotinanywayimplicated。
Healwaysappearedtomeveryharmless。’
’Ihavegenerallyfoundhimso，’sobbedpoorlittleMrs。Tibbs;
cryinglikeawatering-pot。
’Hush！hush！pray-Mrs。Tibbs-consider-weshallbeobserved-
pray，don’t！’saidJohnEvenson，fearinghiswholeplanwouldbe，interrupted。’Wewillsetthematteratrestwiththeutmostcare，andIshallbemosthappytoassistyouindoingso。’，Mrs。Tibbs，murmuredherthanks。
’Whenyouthinkeveryonehasretiredtorestto-night，’said，Evensonverypompously，’ifyou’llmeetmewithoutalight，just，outsidemybedroomdoor，bythestaircasewindow，Ithinkwecan，ascertainwhothepartiesreallyare，andyouwillafterwardsbe，enabledtoproceedasyouthinkproper。’
Mrs。Tibbswaseasilypersuaded;hercuriositywasexcited，her，jealousywasroused，andthearrangementwasforthwithmade。She，resumedherwork，andJohnEvensonwalkedupanddowntheroomwith，hishandsinhispockets，lookingasifnothinghadhappened。The，gameofcribbagewasover，andconversationbeganagain。
’Well，Mr。O’Bleary，’saidthehumming-top，turningroundonhis，pivot，andfacingthecompany，’whatdidyouthinkofVauxhallthe，othernight？’
’Oh，it’sveryfair，’repliedOrson，whohadbeenenthusiastically，delightedwiththewholeexhibition。
’NeversawanythinglikethatCaptainRoss’sset-out-eh？’
’No，’returnedthepatriot，withhisusualreservation-’exceptin，Dublin。’
’IsawtheCountdeCankyandCaptainFitzthompsonintheGardens，’
saidWisbottle;’theyappearedmuchdelighted。’
’ThenitMUSTbebeautiful，’snarledEvenson。
’Ithinkthewhitebearsispartickerlerlywelldone，’suggested，Mrs。Bloss。’Intheirshaggywhitecoats，theylookjustlike，Polarbears-don’tyouthinktheydo，Mr。Evenson？’
’Ithinktheylookagreatdealmorelikeomnibuscadsonall，fours，’repliedthediscontentedone。
’Uponthewhole，Ishouldhavelikedoureveningverywell，’gasped，Gobler;’onlyIcaughtadesperatecoldwhichincreasedmypain，dreadfully！，Iwasobligedtohaveseveralshower-baths，beforeI
couldleavemyroom。’
’Capitalthingsthoseshower-baths！’ejaculatedWisbottle。
’Excellent！’saidTomkins。
’Delightful！’chimedinO’Bleary。(Hehadonceseenone，outsidea，tinman’s。)
’Disgustingmachines！’rejoinedEvenson，whoextendedhisdislike，toalmosteverycreatedobject，masculine，feminine，orneuter。
’Disgusting，Mr。Evenson！’saidGobler，inatoneofstrong，indignation-’Disgusting！，Lookattheirutility-considerhow，manylivestheyhavesavedbypromotingperspiration。’
’Promotingperspiration，indeed，’growledJohnEvenson，stopping，shortinhiswalkacrossthelargesquaresinthepatternofthe，carpet-’Iwasassenoughtobepersuadedsometimeagotohave，oneinmybedroom。’Gad，Iwasinitonce，anditeffectually，curedME，forthemeresightofitthrewmeintoaprofuse，perspirationforsixmonthsafterwards。’
Atitterfollowedthisannouncement，andbeforeithadsubsided，Jamesbroughtup’thetray，’containingtheremainsofalegof，lambwhichhadmadeitsDEBUTatdinner;bread;cheese;anatomof，butterinaforestofparsley;onepickledwalnutandthethirdof，another;andsoforth。Theboydisappeared，andreturnedagain，withanothertray，containingglassesandjugsofhotandcold，water。Thegentlemenbroughtintheirspirit-bottles;the，housemaidplaceddiversplatedbedroomcandlesticksunderthecard-
table;andtheservantsretiredforthenight。
Chairsweredrawnroundthetable，andtheconversationproceeded，inthecustomarymanner。JohnEvenson，whoneveratesupper，lolledonthesofa，andamusedhimselfbycontradictingeverybody。
O’Blearyateasmuchashecouldconvenientlycarry，andMrs。Tibbs，feltaduedegreeofindignationthereat;Mr。GoblerandMrs。Bloss，conversedmostaffectionatelyonthesubjectofpill-taking，and，otherinnocentamusements;andTomkinsandWisbottle’gotintoan，argument;’thatistosay，theybothtalkedveryloudlyand，vehemently，eachflatteringhimselfthathehadgotsomeadvantage，aboutsomething，andneitherofthemhavingmorethanavery，indistinctideaofwhattheyweretalkingabout。Anhourortwo，passedaway;andtheboardersandtheplatedcandlesticksretired，inpairstotheirrespectivebedrooms。JohnEvensonpulledoffhis，boots，lockedhisdoor，anddeterminedtositupuntilMr。Gobler，hadretired。Healwayssatinthedrawing-roomanhourafter，everybodyelsehadleftit，takingmedicine，andgroaning。
GreatCoram-streetwashushedintoastateofprofoundrepose：，it，wasnearlytwoo’clock。Ahackney-coachnowandthenrumbled，slowlyby;andoccasionallysomestraylawyer’sclerk，onhisway，hometoSomers-town，struckhisironheelonthetopofthecoal-
cellarwithanoiseresemblingtheclickofasmoke-Jack。Alow，monotonous，gushingsoundwasheard，whichaddedconsiderablyto，theromanticdrearinessofthescene。Itwasthewater’comingin’
atnumbereleven。
’Hemustbeasleepbythistime，’saidJohnEvensontohimself，afterwaitingwithexemplarypatiencefornearlyanhourafterMr。
Goblerhadleftthedrawing-room。Helistenedforafewmoments;
thehousewasperfectlyquiet;heextinguishedhisrushlight，and，openedhisbedroomdoor。Thestaircasewassodarkthatitwas，impossibletoseeanything。
’S-s-s！’whisperedthemischief-maker，makinganoiselikethe，firstindicationacatherine-wheelgivesoftheprobabilityofits，goingoff。
’Hush！’whisperedsomebodyelse。
’Isthatyou，Mrs。Tibbs？’
’Yes，sir。’
’Where？’
’Here;’andthemistyoutlineofMrs。Tibbsappearedatthe，staircasewindow，liketheghostofQueenAnneinthetentscenein，Richard。
’Thisway，Mrs。Tibbs，’whisperedthedelightedbusybody：，’giveme，yourhand-there！，Whoeverthesepeopleare，theyareinthe，store-roomnow，forIhavebeenlookingdownfrommywindow，andI
couldseethattheyaccidentallyupsettheircandlestick，andare，nowindarkness。Youhavenoshoeson，haveyou？’
’No，’saidlittleMrs。Tibbs，whocouldhardlyspeakfortrembling。
’Well;Ihavetakenmybootsoff，sowecangodown，closetothe，store-roomdoor，andlistenoverthebanisters;’anddown-stairs，theybothcreptaccordingly，everyboardcreakinglikeapatent，mangleonaSaturdayafternoon。