第17章

Letustakeaslightexample。Thesceneisastreet：，anelderly，gentleman，withalargefaceandstronglymarkedfeatures，appears。

Hiscountenancebeamswithasunnysmile，andaperpetualdimpleis，onhisbroad，redcheek。Heisevidentlyanopulentelderly，gentleman，comfortableincircumstances，andwell-to-dointhe，world。Heisnotunmindfuloftheadornmentofhisperson，forhe，isrichly，nottosaygaudily，dressed;andthatheindulgestoa，reasonableextentinthepleasuresofthetablemaybeinferred，fromthejoyousandoilymannerinwhichherubshisstomach，by，wayofinformingtheaudiencethatheisgoinghometodinner。In，thefulnessofhisheart，inthefanciedsecurityofwealth，inthe，possessionandenjoymentofallthegoodthingsoflife，the，elderlygentlemansuddenlyloseshisfooting，andstumbles。How，theaudienceroar！，Heissetuponbyanoisyandofficiouscrowd，whobuffetandcuffhimunmercifully。Theyscreamwithdelight！

Everytimetheelderlygentlemanstrugglestogetup，his，relentlesspersecutorsknockhimdownagain。Thespectatorsare，convulsedwithmerriment！，Andwhenatlasttheelderlygentleman，doesgetup，andstaggersaway，despoiledofhat，wig，and，clothing，himselfbatteredtopieces，andhiswatchandmoneygone，theyareexhaustedwithlaughter，andexpresstheirmerrimentand，admirationinroundsofapplause。

Isthislikelife？，Changethescenetoanyrealstreet;-tothe，StockExchange，ortheCitybanker’s;themerchant’scounting-

house，oreventhetradesman’sshop。Seeanyoneofthesemen，fall，-themoresuddenly，andthenearerthezenithofhispride，andriches，thebetter。Whatawildhalloisraisedoverhis，prostratecarcasebytheshoutingmob;howtheywhoopandyellas，helieshumbledbeneaththem！，Markhoweagerlytheysetuponhim，whenheisdown;andhowtheymockandderidehimasheslinks，away。Why，itisthepantomimetotheveryletter。

OfallthepantomimicDRAMATISPERSONAE，weconsiderthepantaloon，themostworthlessanddebauched。Independentofthedislikeone，naturallyfeelsatseeingagentlemanofhisyearsengagedin，pursuitshighlyunbecominghisgravityandtimeoflife，wecannot，concealfromourselvesthefactthatheisatreacherous，worldly-

mindedoldvillain，constantlyenticinghisyoungercompanion，the，clown，intoactsoffraudorpettylarceny，andgenerallystanding，asidetowatchtheresultoftheenterprise。Ifitbesuccessful，heneverforgetstoreturnforhisshareofthespoil;butifit，turnoutafailure，hegenerallyretireswithremarkablecaution，andexpedition，andkeepscarefullyaloofuntiltheaffairhas，blownover。Hisamorouspropensities，too，areeminently，disagreeable;andhismodeofaddressingladiesintheopenstreet，atnoon-dayisdown-rightimproper，beingusuallyneithermorenor，lessthanaperceptibleticklingoftheaforesaidladiesinthe，waist，aftercommittingwhich，hestartsback，manifestlyashamed，(aswellhemaybe)ofhisownindecorumandtemerity;continuing，nevertheless，toogleandbeckontothemfromadistanceinavery，unpleasantandimmoralmanner。

Isthereanymanwhocannotcountadozenpantaloonsinhisown，socialcircle？，Isthereanymanwhohasnotseenthemswarmingat，thewestendofthetownonasunshinydayorasummer’sevening，goingthroughthelast-namedpantomimicfeatswithasmuch，liquorishenergy，andastotalanabsenceofreserve，asifthey，wereontheverystageitself？，Wecantelluponourfingersa，dozenpantaloonsofouracquaintanceatthismoment-capital，pantaloons，whohavebeenperformingallkindsofstrangefreaks，tothegreatamusementoftheirfriendsandacquaintance，foryears，past;andwhotothisdayaremakingsuchcomicalandineffectual，attemptstobeyounganddissolute，thatallbeholdersareliketo，diewithlaughter。

TakethatoldgentlemanwhohasjustemergedfromtheCAFEDE

L’EUROPEintheHaymarket，wherehehasbeendiningattheexpense，oftheyoungmanupontownwithwhomheshakeshandsastheypart，atthedoorofthetavern。Theaffectedwarmthofthatshakeof，thehand，thecourteousnod，theobviousrecollectionofthe，dinner，thesavouryflavourofwhichstillhangsuponhislips，are，allcharacteristicsofhisgreatprototype。Hehobblesaway，humminganoperatune，andtwirlinghiscanetoandfro，with，affectedcarelessness。Suddenlyhestops-’tisatthemilliner’s，window。Hepeepsthroughoneofthelargepanesofglass;and，his，viewoftheladieswithinbeingobstructedbytheIndiashawls，directshisattentionstotheyounggirlwiththeband-boxinher，hand，whoisgazinginatthewindowalso。See！hedrawsbeside，her。Hecoughs;sheturnsawayfromhim。Hedrawsnearheragain;

shedisregardshim。Hegleefullychucksherunderthechin，and，retreatingafewsteps，nodsandbeckonswithfantasticgrimaces，whilethegirlbestowsacontemptuousandsuperciliouslookupon，hiswrinkledvisage。Sheturnsawaywithaflounce，andtheold，gentlemantrotsafterherwithatoothlesschuckle。Thepantaloon，tothelife！

Butthecloseresemblancewhichtheclownsofthestagebearto，thoseofevery-daylifeisperfectlyextraordinary。Somepeople，talkwithasighofthedeclineofpantomime，andmurmurinlowand，dismaltonesthenameofGrimaldi。Wemeannodisparagementtothe，worthyandexcellentoldmanwhenwesaythatthisisdownright，nonsense。ClownsthatbeatGrimaldialltonothingturnupevery，day，andnobodypatronizesthem-more’sthepity！

’Iknowwhoyoumean，’sayssomedirty-facedpatronofMr。

Osbaldistone’s，layingdowntheMiscellanywhenhehasgotthus，far，andbestowinguponvacancyamostknowingglance;’youmeanC。

J。SmithasdidGuyFawkes，andGeorgeBarnwellattheGarden。’

Thedirty-facedgentlemanhashardlyutteredthewords，whenheis，interruptedbyayounggentlemaninnoshirt-collarandaPetersham，coat。’No，no，’saystheyounggentleman;’hemeansBrown，King，andGibson，atthe’Delphi。’，Now，withgreatdeferencebothtothe，first-namedgentlemanwiththedirtyface，andthelast-named，gentlemaninthenon-existingshirt-collar，wedoNOTmeaneither，theperformerwhosogrotesquelyburlesquedthePopishconspirator，orthethreeunchangeableswhohavebeendancingthesamedance，underdifferentimposingtitles，anddoingthesamethingunder，varioushigh-soundingnamesforsomefiveorsixyearslastpast。

Wehavenosoonermadethisavowal，thanthepublic，whohave，hithertobeensilentwitnessesofthedispute，inquirewhaton，earthitisweDOmean;and，withbecomingrespect，weproceedto，tellthem。

Itisverywellknowntoallplaygoersandpantomime-seers，that，thescenesinwhichatheatricalclownisattheveryheightofhis，gloryarethosewhicharedescribedintheplay-billsas，’Cheesemonger’sshopandCrockerywarehouse，’or’Tailor’sshop，andMrs。Queertable’sboarding-house，’orplacesbearingsomesuch，title，wherethegreatfunofthethingconsistsinthehero’s，takinglodgingswhichhehasnottheslightestintentionofpaying，for，orobtaininggoodsunderfalsepretences，orabstractingthe，stock-in-tradeoftherespectableshopkeepernextdoor，orrobbing，warehouseportersastheypassunderhiswindow，or，toshortenthe，catalogue，inhisswindlingeverybodyhepossiblycan，itonly，remainingtobeobservedthat，themoreextensivetheswindlingis，andthemorebarefacedtheimpudenceoftheswindler，thegreater，theraptureandecstasyoftheaudience。Nowitisamost，remarkablefactthatpreciselythissortofthingoccursinreal，lifedayafterday，andnobodyseesthehumourofit。Letus，illustrateourpositionbydetailingtheplotofthisportionof，thepantomime-notofthetheatre，butoflife。

TheHonourableCaptainFitz-WhiskerFiercy，attendedbyhislivery，servantDo’em-amostrespectableservanttolookat，whohas，growngreyintheserviceofthecaptain’sfamily-views，treats，for，andultimatelyobtainspossessionof，theunfurnishedhouse，suchanumber，suchastreet。Allthetradesmeninthe，neighbourhoodareinagoniesofcompetitionforthecaptain’s，custom;thecaptainisagood-natured，kind-hearted，easyman，and，toavoidbeingthecauseofdisappointmenttoany，hemost，handsomelygivesorderstoall。Hampersofwine，basketsof，provisions，cart-loadsoffurniture，boxesofjewellery，supplies，ofluxuriesofthecostliestdescription，flocktothehouseofthe，HonourableCaptainFitz-WhiskerFiercy，wheretheyarereceived，withtheutmostreadinessbythehighlyrespectableDo’em;while，thecaptainhimselfstrutsandswaggersaboutwiththatcompound，airofconscioussuperiorityandgeneralblood-thirstinesswhicha，militarycaptainshouldalways，anddoesmosttimes，wear，tothe，admirationandterrorofplebeianmen。Butthetradesmen’sbacks，arenosoonerturned，thanthecaptain，withalltheeccentricity，ofamightymind，andassistedbythefaithfulDo’em，whosedevoted，fidelityisnottheleasttouchingpartofhischaracter，disposes，ofeverythingtogreatadvantage;for，althoughthearticlesfetch，smallsums，stilltheyaresoldconsiderablyabovecostprice，the，costtothecaptainhavingbeennothingatall。Aftervarious，manoeuvres，theimpostureisdiscovered，Fitz-FiercyandDo’emare，recognizedasconfederates，andthepoliceofficetowhichtheyare，bothtakenisthrongedwiththeirdupes。

Whocanfailtorecognizeinthis，theexactcounterpartofthe，bestportionofatheatricalpantomime-Fitz-WhiskerFiercybythe，clown;Do’embythepantaloon;andsupernumerariesbythe，tradesmen？，Thebestofthejoke，too，is，thattheverycoal-

merchantwhoisloudestinhiscomplaintsagainstthepersonwho，defraudedhim，istheidenticalmanwhosatinthecentreofthe，veryfrontrowofthepitlastnightandlaughedthemost，boisterouslyatthisverysamething，-andnotsowelldone，either。TalkofGrimaldi，wesayagain！，DidGrimaldi，inhisbest，days，everdoanythinginthiswayequaltoDaCosta？

Thementionofthislatterjustlycelebratedclownremindsusof，hislastpieceofhumour，thefraudulentlyobtainingcertain，stampedacceptancesfromayounggentlemaninthearmy。Wehad，scarcelylaiddownourpentocontemplateforafewmomentsthis，admirableactor’sperformanceofthatexquisitepracticaljoke，thananewbranchofoursubjectflashedsuddenlyuponus。Sowe，takeitupagainatonce。

Allpeoplewhohavebeenbehindthescenes，andmostpeoplewho，havebeenbeforethem，know，thatintherepresentationofa，pantomime，agoodmanymenaresentuponthestagefortheexpress，purposeofbeingcheated，orknockeddown，orboth。Now，downtoa，momentago，wehadneverbeenabletounderstandforwhatpossible，purposeagreatnumberofodd，lazy，large-headedmen，whomoneis，inthehabitofmeetinghere，andthere，andeverywhere，couldever，havebeencreated。Weseeitall，now。Theyarethe，supernumerariesinthepantomimeoflife;themenwhohavebeen，thrustintoit，withnootherviewthantobeconstantlytumbling，overeachother，andrunningtheirheadsagainstallsortsof，strangethings。Wesatoppositetooneofthesemenatasupper-

table，onlylastweek。Nowwethinkofit，hewasexactlylikethe，gentlemenwiththepasteboardheadsandfaces，whodothe，correspondingbusinessinthetheatricalpantomimes;therewasthe，samebroadstolidsimper-thesamedullleadeneye-thesame，unmeaning，vacantstare;andwhateverwassaid，orwhateverwas，done，healwayscameinatpreciselythewrongplace，orjostled，againstsomethingthathehadnottheslightestbusinesswith。We，lookedatthemanacrossthetableagainandagain;andcouldnot，satisfyourselveswhatraceofbeingstoclasshimwith。Howvery，oddthatthisneveroccurredtousbefore！

Wewillfranklyownthatwehavebeenmuchtroubledwiththe，harlequin。Weseeharlequinsofsomanykindsintherealliving，pantomime，thatwehardlyknowwhichtoselectastheproperfellow，ofhimofthetheatres。Atonetimeweweredisposedtothinkthat，theharlequinwasneithermorenorlessthanayoungmanoffamily，andindependentproperty，whohadrunawaywithanopera-dancer，andwasfoolinghislifeandhismeansawayinlightandtrivial，amusements。Onreflection，however，werememberedthatharlequins，areoccasionallyguiltyofwitty，andevencleveracts，andweare，ratherdisposedtoacquitouryoungmenoffamilyandindependent，property，generallyspeaking，ofanysuchmisdemeanours。Onamore，matureconsiderationofthesubject，wehavearrivedatthe，conclusionthattheharlequinsoflifearejustordinarymen，tobe，foundinnoparticularwalkordegree，onwhomacertainstation，orparticularconjunctionofcircumstances，confersthemagicwand。

Andthisbringsustoafewwordsonthepantomimeofpublicand，politicallife，whichweshallsayatonce，andthenconclude-

merelypremisinginthisplacethatwedeclineanyreference，whatevertothecolumbine，beinginnowisesatisfiedofthenature，ofherconnectionwithherparti-colouredlover，andnotfeelingby，anymeansclearthatweshouldbejustifiedinintroducingherto，thevirtuousandrespectableladieswhoperuseourlucubrations。

WetakeitthatthecommencementofaSessionofParliamentis，neithermorenorlessthanthedrawingupofthecurtainfora，grandcomicpantomime，andthathisMajesty’smostgraciousspeech，ontheopeningthereofmaybenotinaptlycomparedtotheclown’s，openingspeechof’Hereweare！’，’Mylordsandgentlemen，herewe，are！’appears，toourmindatleast，tobeaverygoodabstractof，thepointandmeaningofthepropitiatoryaddressoftheministry。

Whenwerememberhowfrequentlythisspeechismade，immediately，afterTHECHANGEtoo，theparallelisquiteperfect，andstillmore，singular。

Perhapsthecastofourpoliticalpantomimeneverwasricherthan，atthisday。Weareparticularlystronginclowns。Atnoformer，time，weshouldsay，havewehadsuchastonishingtumblers，or，performerssoreadytogothroughthewholeoftheirfeatsforthe，amusementofanadmiringthrong。Theirextremereadinessto，exhibit，indeed，hasgivenrisetosomeill-naturedreflections;it，havingbeenobjectedthatbyexhibitinggratuitouslythroughthe，countrywhenthetheatreisclosed，theyreducethemselvestothe，levelofmountebanks，andtherebytendtodegradethe，respectabilityoftheprofession。CertainlyGrimaldineverdid，thissortofthing;andthoughBrown，King，andGibsonhavegoneto，theSurreyinvacationtime，andMr。C。J。Smithhasruralisedat，Sadler’sWells，wefindnotheatricalprecedentforageneral，tumblingthroughthecountry，exceptinthegentleman，name，unknown，whothrewsummersetsonbehalfofthelateMr。Richardson，andwhoisnoauthorityeither，becausehehadneverbeenonthe，regularboards。

But，layingasidethisquestion，whichafterallisamerematter，oftaste，wemayreflectwithprideandgratificationofhearton，theproficiencyofourclownsasexhibitedintheseason。Night，afternightwilltheytwistandtumbleabout，tilltwo，three，and，fouro’clockinthemorning;playingthestrangestantics，and，givingeachotherthefunniestslapsonthefacethatcanpossibly，beimagined，withoutevincingthesmallesttokensoffatigue。The，strangenoises，theconfusion，theshoutingandroaring，amidwhich，allthisisdone，too，wouldputtoshamethemostturbulent，sixpennygallerythateveryelledthroughaboxing-night。

Itisespeciallycurioustobeholdoneoftheseclownscompelledto，gothroughthemostsurprisingcontortionsbytheirresistible，influenceofthewandofoffice，whichhisleaderorharlequin，holdsabovehishead。Acteduponbythiswonderfulcharmhewill，becomeperfectlymotionless，movingneitherhand，foot，norfinger，andwillevenlosethefacultyofspeechataninstant’snotice;or，ontheotherhand，hewillbecomealllifeandanimationif，required，pouringforthatorrentofwordswithoutsenseor，meaning，throwinghimselfintothewildestandmostfantastic，contortions，andevengrovellingontheearthandlickingupthe，dust。Theseexhibitionsaremorecuriousthanpleasing;indeed，theyareratherdisgustingthanotherwise，excepttotheadmirers，ofsuchthings，withwhomweconfesswehavenofellow-feeling。

Strangetricks-verystrangetricks-arealsoperformedbythe，harlequinwhoholdsforthetimebeingthemagicwandwhichwehave，justmentioned。Themerewavingitbeforeaman’seyeswill，dispossesshisbrainsofallthenotionspreviouslystoredthere，andfillitwithanentirelynewsetofideas;onegentletapon，thebackwillalterthecolourofaman’scoatcompletely;and，therearesomeexpertperformers，who，havingthiswandheldfirst，ononesideandthenontheother，willchangefromsidetoside，turningtheircoatsateveryevolution，withsomuchrapidityand，dexterity，thatthequickesteyecanscarcelydetecttheirmotions。

Occasionally，thegeniuswhoconfersthewand，wrestsitfromthe，handofthetemporarypossessor，andconsignsittosomenew，performer;onwhichoccasionsallthecharacterschangesides，and，thentheraceandthehardknocksbeginanew。

Wemighthaveextendedthischaptertoamuchgreaterlength-we，mighthavecarriedthecomparisonintotheliberalprofessions-we，mighthaveshown，aswasinfactouroriginalpurpose，thateachis，initselfalittlepantomimewithscenesandcharactersofitsown，complete;but，aswefearwehavebeenquitelengthyenough，already，weshallleavethischapterjustwhereitis。A

gentleman，notaltogetherunknownasadramaticpoet，wrotethusa，yearortwoago-

’Alltheworld’sastage，Andallthemenandwomenmerelyplayers：’

andwe，trackingouthisfootstepsatthescarcely-worth-mentioning，littledistanceofafewmillionsofleaguesbehind，ventureto，add，bywayofnewreading，thathemeantaPantomime，andthatwe，areallactorsinThePantomimeofLife。

SOMEPARTICULARSCONCERNINGALION

Wehaveagreatrespectforlionsintheabstract。Incommonwith，mostotherpeople，wehaveheardandreadofmanyinstancesof，theirbraveryandgenerosity。Wehavedulyadmiredthatheroic，self-denialandcharmingphilanthropywhichpromptsthemneverto，eatpeopleexceptwhentheyarehungry，andwehavebeendeeply，impressedwithabecomingsenseofthepolitenesstheyaresaidto，displaytowardsunmarriedladiesofacertainstate。Allnatural，historiesteemwithanecdotesillustrativeoftheirexcellent，qualities;andoneoldspelling-bookinparticularrecountsa，touchinginstanceofanoldlion，ofhighmoraldignityandstern，principle，whofeltithisimperativedutytodevourayoungman，whohadcontractedahabitofswearing，asastrikingexampleto，therisinggeneration。

Allthisisextremelypleasanttoreflectupon，and，indeed，saysa，verygreatdealinfavouroflionsasamass。Weareboundto，state，however，thatsuchindividuallionsaswehavehappenedto，fallinwithhavenotputforthanyverystrikingcharacteristics，andhavenotacteduptothechivalrouscharacterassignedthemby，theirchroniclers。Weneversawalioninwhatiscalledhis，naturalstate，certainly;thatistosay，wehavenevermetalion，outwalkinginaforest，orcrouchinginhislairunderatropical，sun，waitingtillhisdinnershouldhappentocomeby，hotfromthe，baker’s。Butwehaveseensomeundertheinfluenceofcaptivity，andthepressureofmisfortune;andwemustsaythattheyappeared，tousveryapathetic，heavy-headedfellows。

ThelionattheZoologicalGardens，forinstance。Heisallvery，well;hehasanundeniablemane，andlooksveryfierce;but，Lord，blessus！whatofthat？，Thelionsofthefashionableworldlook，justasferocious，andarethemostharmlesscreaturesbreathing。

Abox-lobbylionoraRegent-streetanimalwillputonamost，terribleaspect，androar，fearfully，ifyouaffronthim;buthe，willneverbite，and，ifyouoffertoattackhimmanfully，will，fairlyturntailandsneakoff。Doubtlessthesecreaturesroam，aboutsometimesinherds，and，iftheymeetanyespeciallymeek-

lookingandpeaceably-disposedfellow，willendeavourtofrighten，him;butthefaintestshowofavigorousresistanceissufficient，toscarethemeventhen。Thesearepleasantcharacteristics，whereaswemakeitmatterofdistinctchargeagainsttheZoological，lionandhisbrethrenatthefairs，thattheyaresleepy，dreamy，sluggishquadrupeds。

Wedonotremembertohaveeverseenoneofthemperfectlyawake，exceptatfeeding-time。Ineveryrespectweupholdthebipedlions，againsttheirfour-footednamesakes，andweboldlychallenge，controversyuponthesubject。

Withtheseopinionsitmaybeeasilyimaginedthatourcuriosity，andinterestwereverymuchexcitedtheotherday，whenaladyof，ouracquaintancecalledonusandresolutelydeclinedtoacceptour，refusalofherinvitationtoaneveningparty;’for，’saidshe，’I

havegotalioncoming。’，Weatonceretractedourpleaofaprior，engagement，andbecameasanxioustogo，aswehadpreviouslybeen，tostayaway。

Wewentearly，andpostedourselvesinaneligiblepartofthe，drawing-room，fromwhencewecouldhopetoobtainafullviewof，theinterestinganimal。Twoorthreehourspassed，thequadrilles，began，theroomfilled;butnolionappeared。Theladyofthe，housebecameinconsolable，-foritisoneofthepeculiar，privilegesoftheselionstomakesolemnappointmentsandnever，keepthem，-whenallofasuddentherecameatremendousdouble，rapatthestreet-door，andthemasterofthehouse，aftergliding，out(unobservedasheflatteredhimself)topeepoverthe，banisters，cameintotheroom，rubbinghishandstogetherwith，greatglee，andcriedoutinaveryimportantvoice，’Mydear，Mr-

(namingthelion)hasthismomentarrived。’

Uponthis，alleyeswereturnedtowardsthedoor，andweobserved，severalyoungladies，whohadbeenlaughingandconversing，previouslywithgreatgaietyandgoodhumour，growextremelyquiet，andsentimental;whilesomeyounggentlemen，whohadbeencutting，greatfiguresinthefacetiousandsmall-talkway，suddenlysank，veryobviouslyintheestimationofthecompany，andwerelooked，uponwithgreatcoldnessandindifference。Eventheyoungmanwho，hadbeenorderedfromthemusicshoptoplaythepianofortewas，visiblyaffected，andstruckseveralfalsenotesintheexcessof，hisexcitement。

Allthistimetherewasagreattalkingoutside，morethanonce，accompaniedbyaloudlaugh，andacryof’Oh！capital！excellent！’

fromwhichweinferredthatthelionwasjocose，andthatthese，exclamationswereoccasionedbythetransportsofhiskeeperand，ourhost。Norwerewedeceived;forwhenthelionatlast，appeared，weoverheardhiskeeper，whowasalittleprimman，whispertoseveralgentlemenofhisacquaintance，withuplifted，hands，andeveryexpressionofhalf-suppressedadmiration，that-

(namingthelionagain)wasinSUCHcueto-night！

Thelionwasaliteraryone。Ofcourse，therewereavastnumber，ofpeoplepresentwhohadadmiredhisroarings，andwereanxiousto，beintroducedtohim;andverypleasantitwastoseethembrought，upforthepurpose，andtoobservethepatientdignitywithwhich，hereceivedalltheirpattingandcaressing。Thisbroughtforcibly，toourmindwhatwehadsooftenwitnessedatcountryfairs，where，theotherlionsarecompelledtogothroughasmanyformsof，courtesyastheychancetobeacquaintedwith，justasoftenas，admiringpartieshappentodropinuponthem。

Whilethelionwasexhibitinginthisway，hiskeeperwasnotidle，forhemingledamongthecrowd，andspreadhispraisesmost，industriously。Toonegentlemanhewhisperedsomeverychoice，thingthatthenobleanimalhadsaidintheveryactofcomingup-

stairs，which，ofcourse，renderedthementaleffortstillmore，astonishing;toanotherhemurmuredahastyaccountofagrand，dinnerthathadtakenplacethedaybefore，wheretwenty-seven，gentlemenhadgotupallatoncetodemandanextracheerforthe，lion;andtotheladieshemadesundrypromisesofintercedingto，procurethemajesticbrute’ssign-manualfortheiralbums。Then，therewerelittleprivateconsultationsindifferentcorners，relativetothepersonalappearanceandstatureofthelion;

whetherhewasshorterthantheyhadexpectedtoseehim，or，taller，orthinner，orfatter，oryounger，orolder;whetherhewas，likehisportrait，orunlikeit;andwhethertheparticularshade，ofhiseyeswasblack，orblue，orhazel，orgreen，oryellow，or，mixture。Atalltheseconsultationsthekeeperassisted;and，in，short，thelionwasthesoleandsinglesubjectofdiscussiontill，theysathimdowntowhist，andthenthepeoplerelapsedintotheir，oldtopicsofconversation-themselvesandeachother。

Wemustconfessthatwelookedforwardwithnoslightimpatienceto，theannouncementofsupper;forifyouwishtoseeatamelion，underparticularlyfavourablecircumstances，feeding-timeisthe，periodofallotherstopitchupon。Wewerethereforeverymuch，delightedtoobserveasensationamongtheguests，whichwewell，knewhowtointerpret，andimmediatelyafterwardstobeholdthe，lionescortingtheladyofthehousedown-stairs。Weofferedour，armtoanelderlyfemaleofouracquaintance，who-dearoldsoul！-

istheverybestpersonthateverlived，toleaddowntoany，meal;for，betheroomeversosmall，orthepartyeversolarge，sheissure，bysomeintuitiveperceptionoftheeligible，topush，andpullherselfandconductorclosetothebestdishesonthe，table;-wesayweofferedourarmtothiselderlyfemale，and，descendingthestairsshortlyafterthelion，werefortunateenough，toobtainaseatnearlyoppositehim。

Ofcoursethekeeperwastherealready。Hehadplantedhimselfat，preciselythatdistancefromhischargewhichaffordedhimadecent，pretextforraisinghisvoice，whenheaddressedhim，tosolouda，key，ascouldnotfailtoattracttheattentionofthewhole，company，andimmediatelybegantoapplyhimselfseriouslytothe，taskofbringingthelionout，andputtinghimthroughthewholeof，hismanoeuvres。Suchflashesofwitasheelicitedfromthelion！

Firstofall，theybegantomakepunsuponasalt-cellar，andthen，uponthebreastofafowl，andthenuponthetrifle;butthebest，jokesofallweredecidedlyonthelobstersalad，uponwhichlatter，subjectthelioncameoutmostvigorously，and，intheopinionof，themostcompetentauthorities，quiteoutshonehimself。Thisisa，veryexcellentmodeofshininginsociety，andisfounded，we，humblyconceive，upontheclassicmodelofthedialoguesbetween，Mr。Punchandhisfriendtheproprietor，whereinthelattertakes，alltheup-hillwork，andiscontenttopioneertothejokesand，reparteesofMr。P。himself，whoneverfailstogaingreatcredit，andexcitemuchlaughterthereby。Whateveritbefoundedon，however，werecommendittoalllions，presentandtocome;forin，thisinstanceitsucceededtoadmiration，andperfectlydazzledthe，wholebodyofhearers。

Whenthesalt-cellar，andthefowl’sbreast，andthetrifle，and，thelobstersaladwereallexhausted，andcouldnotafford，standing-roomforanothersolitarywitticism，thekeeperperformed，thatverydangerousfeatwhichisstilldonewithsomeofthe，caravanlions，althoughinoneinstanceitterminatedfatally，of，puttinghisheadintheanimal’smouth，andplacinghimself，entirelyatitsmercy。Boswellfrequentlypresentsamelancholy，instanceofthelamentableresultsofthisachievement，andother，keepersandjackalshavebeenterriblylaceratedfortheirdaring。

Itisduetoourliontostate，thathecondescendedtobetrifled，with，inthemostgentlemanner，andfinallywenthomewiththe，showmaninahackcab：，perfectlypeaceable，butslightlyfuddled。

Beinginacontemplativemood，wewereledtomakesomereflections，uponthecharacterandconductofthisgenusoflionsaswewalked，homewards，andwewerenotlonginarrivingattheconclusionthat，ourformerimpressionintheirfavourwasverymuchstrengthened，andconfirmedbywhatwehadrecentlyseen。Whiletheotherlions，receivecompanyandcomplimentsinasullen，moody，nottosay，snarlingmanner，theseappearflatteredbytheattentionsthatare，paidthem;whilethoseconcealthemselvestotheutmostoftheir，powerfromthevulgargaze，thesecourtthepopulareye，and，unliketheirbrethren，whomnothingshortofcompulsionwillmove，toexertion，areeverreadytodisplaytheiracquirementstothe，wonderingthrong。Wehaveknownbearsofundoubtedabilitywho，whentheexpectationsofalargeaudiencehavebeenwounduptothe，utmostpitch，haveperemptorilyrefusedtodance;well-taught，monkeys，whohaveunaccountablyobjectedtoexhibitontheslack，wire;andelephantsofunquestionedgenius，whohavesuddenly，declinedtoturnthebarrel-organ;butweneveroncekneworheard，ofabipedlion，literaryorotherwise，-andwestateitasafact，whichishighlycreditabletothewholespecies，-who，occasion，offering，didnotseizewithavidityonanyopportunitywhichwas，affordedhim，ofperformingtohisheart’scontentonthefirst，violin。

MR。ROBERTBOLTON：，THE’GENTLEMANCONNECTEDWITHTHEPRESS’

IntheparlouroftheGreenDragon，apublic-houseintheimmediate，neighbourhoodofWestminsterBridge，everybodytalkspolitics，everyevening，thegreatpoliticalauthoritybeingMr。Robert，Bolton，anindividualwhodefineshimselfas’agentlemanconnected，withthepress，’whichisadefinitionofpeculiarindefiniteness。

Mr。RobertBolton’sregularcircleofadmirersandlistenersarean，undertaker，agreengrocer，ahairdresser，abaker，alargestomach，surmountedbyaman’shead，andplacedonthetopoftwo，particularlyshortlegs，andathinmaninblack，name，profession，andpursuitunknown，whoalwayssitsinthesameposition，always，displaysthesamelong，vacantface，andneveropenshislips，surroundedasheisbymostenthusiasticconversation，exceptto，puffforthavolumeoftobaccosmoke，orgiveventtoavery，snappy，loud，andshrillHEM！，Theconversationsometimesturns，uponliterature，Mr。Boltonbeingaliterarycharacter，andalways，uponsuchnewsofthedayasisexclusivelypossessedbythat，talentedindividual。Ifoundmyself(ofcourse，accidentally)in，theGreenDragontheotherevening，and，beingsomewhatamusedby，thefollowingconversation，preservedit。

’Canyoulendmeaten-poundnotetillChristmas？’inquiredthe，hairdresserofthestomach。

’Where’syoursecurity，Mr。Clip？’

’Mystockintrade，-there’senoughofit，I’mthinking，Mr。

Thicknesse。Somefiftywigs，twopoles，half-a-dozenheadblocks，andadeadBruin。’

’No，Iwon’t，then，’growledoutThicknesse。’Ilendsnothingon，thesecurityofthewhigsorthePoleseither。Asforwhigs，they’recheats;asforthePoles，they’vegotnocash。Inever，havenothingtodowithblockheads，unlessIcan’tawoidit，(ironically)，andadeadbear’saboutasmuchusetomeasIcould，betoadeadbear。’

’Well，then，’urgedtheother，’there’sabookasbelongedtoPope，Byron’sPoems，valuedatfortypounds，becauseit’sgotPope’s，identicalscratchontheback;whatdoyouthinkofthatfor，security？’

’Well，tobesure！’criedthebaker。’Buthowd’yemean，Mr。

Clip？’

’Mean！why，thatit’sgottheHOTTERGRUFFofPope。

“Stealnotthisbook，forfearofhangman’srope;

ForitbelongstoAlexanderPope。”

Allthat’swrittenontheinsideofthebindingofthebook;so，as，mysonsays，we’reBOUNDtobelieveit。’

’Well，sir，’observedtheundertaker，deferentially，andinahalf-

whisper，leaningoverthetable，andknockingoverthe，hairdresser’sgrogashespoke，’thatargument’sveryeasyupset。’

’Perhaps，sir，’saidClip，alittleflurried，’you’llpayforthe，firstupsetaforeyouthinksofanother。’

’Now，’saidtheundertaker，bowingamicablytothehairdresser，’I

THINK，IsaysITHINK-you’llexcuseme，Mr。Clip，ITHINK，you，see，thatwon’tgodownwiththepresentcompany-unfortunately，mymasterhadthehonourofmakingthecoffinofthatereLord’s，housemaid，notnomorenortwentyyearago。Don’tthinkI’mproud，onit，gentlemen;othersmightbe;butIhaterankofanysort。

I’venomorerespectforaLord’sfootmanthanIhaveforany，respectabletradesmaninthisroom。ImaysaynomorenorIhave，forMr。Clip！(bowing)。Therefore，thatereLordmusthavebeen，bornlongafterPopedied。Andit’salogicalinterferenceto，defer，thattheyneitherofthemlivedatthesametime。SowhatI

meanisthishere，thatPopeneverhadnobook，neverseed，felt，neversmeltnobook(triumphantly)asbelongedtothatereLord。

And，gentlemen，whenIconsiderhowpatientlyyouhave’earedthe，ideaswhatIhaveexpressed，Ifeelbound，asthebestwayto，rewardyouforthekindnessyouhaveexhibited，tositdownwithout，sayinganythingmore-particklerasIperceiveaworthiervisitor，normyselfisjustentered。Iamnotinthehabitofpaying，compliments，gentlemen;whenIdo，therefore，IhopeIstrikeswith，doubleforce。’

’Ah，Mr。Murgatroyd！what’sallthisaboutstrikingwithdouble，force？’saidtheobjectoftheaboveremark，asheentered。’I

neverexcuseaman’sgettingintoarageduringwinter，evenwhen，he’sseatedsoclosetothefireasyouare。Itisvery，injudicioustoputyourselfintosuchaperspiration。Whatisthe，causeofthisextremephysicalandmentalexcitement，sir？’

SuchwastheveryphilosophicaladdressofMr。RobertBolton，a，shorthand-writer，ashetermedhimself-abitofequivoquepassing，currentamonghisfraternity，whichmustgivetheuninitiateda，vastideaoftheestablishmentoftheministerialorgan，whileto，theinitiateditsignifiesthatnoonepapercanlayclaimtothe，enjoymentoftheirservices。Mr。Boltonwasayoungman，witha，somewhatsicklyandverydissipatedexpressionofcountenance。His，habilimentswerecomposedofanexquisiteunionofgentility，slovenliness，assumption，simplicity，NEWNESS，andoldage。Half，ofhimwasdressedforthewinter，theotherhalfforthesummer。

Hishatwasofthenewestcut，theD’Orsay;histrousershadbeen，white，buttheinroadsofmudandink，etc。hadgiventhemapie-

baldappearance;roundhisthroatheworeaveryhighblackcravat，ofthemosttyrannicalstiffness;whilehisTOUTENSEMBLEwas，hiddenbeneaththeenormousfoldsofanoldbrownpoodle-collared，great-coat，whichwascloselybuttoneduptotheaforesaidcravat。

Hisfingerspeepedthroughtheendsofhisblackkidgloves，and，twoofthetoesofeachfoottookasimilarviewofsocietythrough，theextremitiesofhishigh-lows。Sacredtothebarewallsofhis，garretbethemysteriesofhisinteriordress！，Hewasashort，spareman，ofasomewhatinferiordeportment。Everybodyseemed，influencedbyhisentryintotheroom，andhissalutationofeach，memberpartookofthepatronizing。Thehairdressermadewayfor，himbetweenhimselfandthestomach。Aminuteafterwardshehad，takenpossessionofhispintandpipe。Apauseintheconversation，tookplace。Everybodywaswaiting，anxiousforhisfirst，observation。

’HorridmurderinWestminsterthismorning，’observedMr。Bolton。

Everybodychangedtheirpositions。Alleyeswerefixeduponthe，manofparagraphs。

’Abakermurderedhissonbyboilinghiminacopper，’saidMr。

Bolton。

’Goodheavens！’exclaimedeverybody，insimultaneoushorror。

’Boiledhim，gentlemen！’addedMr。Bolton，withthemosteffective，emphasis;’BOILEDhim！’

’Andtheparticulars，Mr。B。’inquiredthehairdresser，’the，particulars？’

Mr。Boltontookaverylongdraughtofporter，andsometwoor，threedozenwhiffsoftobacco，doubtlesstoinstilintothe，commercialcapacitiesofthecompanythesuperiorityofagentlemen，connectedwiththepress，andthensaid-

’Themanwasabaker，gentlemen。’，(Everyonelookedatthebaker，present，whostaredatBolton。)，’Hisvictim，beinghisson，also，wasnecessarilythesonofabaker。Thewretchedmurdererhada，wife，whomhewasfrequentlyinthehabit，whileinanintoxicated，state，ofkicking，pummelling，flingingmugsat，knockingdown，and，half-killingwhileinbed，byinsertinginhermouthaconsiderable，portionofasheetorblanket。’

Thespeakertookanotherdraught，everybodylookedateverybody，else，andexclaimed，’Horrid！’

’Itappearsinevidence，gentlemen，’continuedMr。Bolton，’that，ontheeveningofyesterday，Sawyerthebakercamehomeina，reprehensiblestateofbeer。Mrs。S。connubiallyconsiderate，carriedhiminthatconditionup-stairsintohischamber，and，consignedhimtotheirmutualcouch。Inaminuteortwoshelay，sleepingbesidethemanwhomthemorrow’sdawnbeheldamurderer！’

(Entiresilenceinformedthereporterthathispicturehadattained，theawfuleffecthedesired。)，’Thesoncamehomeaboutanhour，afterwards，openedthedoor，andwentuptobed。Scarcely，(gentlemen，conceivehisfeelingsofalarm)，scarcelyhadhetaken，offhisindescribables，whenshrieks(tohisexperiencedear，MATERNALshrieks)scaredthesilenceofsurroundingnight。Heput，hisindescribablesonagain，andrandown-stairs。Heopenedthe，dooroftheparentalbed-chamber。Hisfatherwasdancinguponhis，mother。Whatmusthavebeenhisfeelings！，Intheagonyofthe，minuteherushedathismaleparentashewasabouttoplungea，knifeintothesideofhisfemale。Themothershrieked。The，fathercaughttheson(whohadwrestedtheknifefromthepaternal，grasp)upinhisarms，carriedhimdown-stairs，shovedhimintoa，copperofboilingwateramongsomelinen，closedthelid，and，jumpeduponthetopofit，inwhichpositionhewasfoundwitha，ferociouscountenancebythemother，whoarrivedinthemelancholy，wash-housejustashehadsosettledhimself。

’“Where’smyboy？”shriekedthemother。

’“Inthatcopper，boiling，“coollyrepliedthebenignfather。

’Struckbytheawfulintelligence，themotherrushedfromthe，house，andalarmedtheneighbourhood。Thepoliceenteredaminute，afterwards。Thefather，havingboltedthewash-housedoor，had，boltedhimself。Theydraggedthelifelessbodyoftheboiledbaker，fromthecauldron，and，withapromptitudecommendableinmenof，theirstation，theyimmediatelycarriedittothestation-house。

Subsequently，thebakerwasapprehendedwhileseatedonthetopof，alamp-postinParliamentStreet，lightinghispipe。’

ThewholehorribleidealityoftheMysteriesofUdolpho，condensed，intothepithyeffectofaten-lineparagraph，couldnotpossibly，havesoaffectedthenarrator’sauditory。Silence，thepurestand，mostnobleofallkindsofapplause，boreampletestimonytothe，barbarityofthebaker，aswellastoBolton’sknackofnarration;

anditwasonlybrokenaftersomeminuteshadelapsedby，interjectionalexpressionsoftheintenseindignationofeveryman，present。ThebakerwonderedhowaBritishbakercouldsodisgrace，himselfandthehighlyhonourablecallingtowhichhebelonged;and，theothersindulgedinavarietyofwondermentsconnectedwiththe，subject;amongwhichnottheleastwondermentwasthatwhichwas，awakenedbythegeniusandinformationofMr。RobertBolton，who，afteraglowingeulogiumonhimself，andhisunspeakableinfluence，withthedailypress，wasproceeding，withamostsolemn，countenance，toheartheprosandconsofthePopeautograph，question，whenItookupmyhat，andleft。

FAMILIAREPISTLEFROMAPARENTTOACHILD

AGEDTWOYEARSANDTWOMONTHS

MYCHILD，TorecountwithwhattroubleIhavebroughtyouup-withwhatan，anxiouseyeIhaveregardedyourprogress，-howlateandhowoften，Ihavesatupatnightworkingforyou，-andhowmanythousand，lettersIhavereceivedfrom，andwrittentoyourvariousrelations，andfriends，manyofwhomhavebeenofaquerulousandirritable，turn，-todwellontheanxietyandtendernesswithwhichIhave，(asfarasIpossessedthepower)inspectedandchosenyourfood;

rejectingtheindigestibleandheavymatterwhichsomeinjudicious，butwell-meaningoldladieswouldhavehadyouswallow，and，retainingonlythoselightandpleasantarticleswhichIdeemed，calculatedtokeepyoufreefromallgrosshumours，andtorender，youanagreeablechild，andonewhomightbepopularwithsociety，ingeneral，-todilateonthesteadinesswithwhichIhave，preventedyourannoyinganycompanybytalkingpolitics-always，assuringyouthatyouwouldthankmeforityourselfsomedaywhen，yougrewolder，-toexpatiate，inshort，uponmyownassiduityas，aparent，isbesidemypresentpurpose，thoughIcannotbut，contemplateyourfairappearance-yourrobusthealth，and，unimpededcirculation(whichItaketobethegreatsecretofyour，goodlooks)withouttheliveliestsatisfactionanddelight。

Itisatriteobservation，andonewhich，youngasyouare，Ihave，nodoubtyouhaveoftenheardrepeated，thatwehavefallenupon，strangetimes，andliveindaysofconstantshiftingsandchanges。

Ihadamelancholyinstanceofthisonlyaweekortwosince。I

wasreturningfromManchestertoLondonbytheMailTrain，whenI

suddenlyfellintoanothertrain-amixedtrain-ofreflection，occasionedbythedejectedanddisconsolatedemeanourofthePost-

OfficeGuard。Wewerestoppingatsomestationwheretheytakein，water，whenhedismountedslowlyfromthelittleboxinwhichhe，sitsinghastlymockeryofhisoldconditionwithpistoland，blunderbussbesidehim，readytoshootthefirsthighwayman(or，railwayman)whoshallattempttostopthehorses，whichnowtravel，(whentheytravelatall)INSIDEandinaportablestableinvented，forthepurpose，-hedismounted，Isay，slowlyandsadly，fromhis，post，andlookingmournfullyabouthimasifindismalrecollection，oftheoldroadsidepublic-housetheblazingfire-theglassof，foamingale-thebuxomhandmaidandadmiringhangers-onoftap-

roomandstable，allhonouredbyhisnotice;and，retiringalittle，apart，stoodleaningagainstasignal-post，surveyingtheengine，withalookofcombinedafflictionanddisgustwhichnowordscan，describe。Hisscarletcoatandgoldenlaceweretarnishedwith，ignoblesmoke;flakesofsoothadfallenonhisbrightgreenshawl，-hisprideindaysofyore-thesteamcondensedinthetunnel，fromwhichwehadjustemerged，shoneuponhishatlikerain。His，eyebetokenedthathewasthinkingofthecoachman;andasit，wanderedtohisownseatandhisownfast-fadinggarb，itwasplain，toseethathefelthisofficeandhimselfhadalikenobusiness，there，andwerenothingbutanelaboratepracticaljoke。

Aswewhirledaway，Iwasledinsensiblyintoananticipationof，thosedaystocome，whenmail-coachguardsshallnolongerbe，judgesofhorse-flesh-whenamail-coachguardshallnevereven，haveseenahorse-whenstationsshallhavesupersededstables，andcornshallhavegivenplacetocoke。’Inthosedawningtimes，’

thoughtI，’exhibition-roomsshallteemwithportraitsofHer，Majesty’sfavouriteengine，withboilersafterNaturebyfuture，Landseers。SomeAmburgh，yetunborn，shallbreakwildhorsesby，hismagicpower;andinthedressofamail-coachguardexhibithis，TRAINEDANIMALSinamockmail-coach。Then，shallwonderingcrowds，observehowthat，withtheexceptionofhiswhip，itisallhis，eye;andcrownedheadsshallseethemfedonoats，andstandalone，unmovedandundismayed，whilecountersfleeaffrightedwhenthe，coursersneigh！’

Such，mychild，werethereflectionsfromwhichIwasonlyawakened，then，asIamnow，bythenecessityofattendingtomattersof，presentthoughminorimportance。Ioffernoapologytoyouforthe，digression，foritbringsmeverynaturallytothesubjectof，change，whichistheverysubjectofwhichIdesiretotreat。

Infact，mychild，youhavechangedhands。HenceforthIresignyou，totheguardianshipandprotectionofoneofmymostintimateand，valuedfriends，Mr。Ainsworth，withwhom，andwithyou，mybest，wishesandwarmestfeelingswilleverremain。Ireapnogainor，profitbypartingfromyou，norwillanyconveyanceofyour，propertyberequired，for，inthisrespect，youhavealwaysbeen，literally’Bentley’s’Miscellany，andnevermine。

UnlikethedriveroftheoldManchestermail，Iregardthisaltered，stateofthingswithfeelingsofunmingledpleasureand，satisfaction。

UnliketheguardofthenewManchestermail，YOURguardisathome，inhisnewplace，andhasroysteringhighwaymenandgallant，desperadoeseverwithincall。AndifImightcompareyou，my，child，toanengine;(notaToryengine，noraWhigengine，buta，briskandrapidlocomotive;)yourfriendsandpatronsto，passengers;andhewhonowstandstowardsyouINLOCOPARENTISas，theskilfulengineerandsupervisorofthewhole，Iwouldhumbly，craveleavetopostponethedepartureofthetrainonitsnewand，auspiciouscourseforonebriefinstant，while，withhatinhand，I

approachsidebysidewiththefriendwhotravelledwithmeonthe，oldroad，andpresumetosolicitfavourandkindnessinbehalfof，himandhisnewcharge，bothfortheirsakesandthatoftheold，coachman，Boz。

Footnotes：

(1)Thispaperwaswrittenbeforethepracticeofexhibiting，MembersofParliament，likeothercuriosities，forthesmallcharge，ofhalf-a-crown，wasabolished。

(2)Theregulationsoftheprisonrelativetotheconfinementof，prisonersduringtheday，theirsleepingatnight，theirtaking，theirmeals，andothermattersofgaoleconomy，havebeenall，altered-greatlyforthebetter-sincethissketchwasfirst，published。Eventheconstructionoftheprisonitselfhasbeen，changed。

(3)Thesetwomenwereexecutedshortlyafterwards。Theotherwas，respitedduringhisMajesty’spleasure。

End