第16章
HAY-LOFT，ORIGINALPIG。
PRESIDENT-Mr。Woodensconce。VICE-PRESIDENTS-Mr。Ledbrainand，Mr。Timbered。
’MR。SLUGstatedtothesectiontheresultofsomecalculationshe，hadmadewithgreatdifficultyandlabour，regardingthestateof，infanteducationamongthemiddleclassesofLondon。Hefound，that，withinacircleofthreemilesfromtheElephantandCastle，thefollowingwerethenamesandnumbersofchildren’sbooks，principallyincirculation：-
’JacktheGiant-killer，7，943
DittoandBean-stalk，8，621
DittoandElevenBrothers，2，845
DittoandJill，1，998
Total，21，407
’HefoundthattheproportionofRobinsonCrusoestoPhilipQuarlls，wasasfourandahalftoone;andthatthepreponderanceof，ValentineandOrsonsoverGoodyTwoShoeseswasasthreeandan，eighthoftheformertohalfaoneofthelatter;acomparisonof，SevenChampionswithSimpleSimonsgavethesameresult。The，ignorancethatprevailed，waslamentable。Onechild，onbeing，askedwhetherhewouldratherbeSaintGeorgeofEnglandora，respectabletallow-chandler，instantlyreplied，“TaintGeorgeof，Ingling。”，Another，alittleboyofeightyearsold，wasfoundto，befirmlyimpressedwithabeliefintheexistenceofdragons，and，openlystatedthatitwashisintentionwhenhegrewup，torush，forthswordinhandforthedeliveranceofcaptiveprincesses，and，thepromiscuousslaughterofgiants。Notonechildamongthe，numberinterrogatedhadeverheardofMungoPark，-someinquiring，whetherhewasatallconnectedwiththeblackmanthatsweptthe，crossing;andotherswhetherhewasinanywayrelatedtothe，Regent’sPark。Theyhadnottheslightestconceptionofthe，commonestprinciplesofmathematics，andconsideredSindbadthe，Sailorthemostenterprisingvoyagerthattheworldhadever，produced。
’AMemberstronglydeprecatingtheuseofalltheotherbooks，mentioned，suggestedthatJackandJillmightperhapsbeexempted，fromthegeneralcensure，inasmuchastheheroandheroine，inthe，veryoutsetofthetale，weredepictedasgoingUPahilltofetch，apailofwater，whichwasalaboriousandusefuloccupation，-
supposingthefamilylinenwasbeingwashed，forinstance。
’MR。SLUGfearedthatthemoraleffectofthispassagewasmore，thancounterbalancedbyanotherinasubsequentpartofthepoem，inwhichverygrossallusionwasmadetothemodeinwhichthe，heroinewaspersonallychastisedbyhermother，“’ForlaughingatJack’sdisaster;“
besides，thewholeworkhadthisonegreatfault，ITWASNOTTRUE。
’THEPRESIDENTcomplimentedthehonourablememberontheexcellent，distinctionhehaddrawn。SeveralotherMembers，too，dweltupon，theimmenseandurgentnecessityofstoringthemindsofchildren，withnothingbutfactsandfigures;whichprocessthePresident，veryforciblyremarked，hadmadethem(thesection)thementhey，were。
’MR。SLUGthenstatedsomecuriouscalculationsrespectingthe，dogs’-meatbarrowsofLondon。Hefoundthatthetotalnumberof，smallcartsandbarrowsengagedindispensingprovisiontothecats，anddogsofthemetropoliswas，onethousandsevenhundredand，forty-three。Theaveragenumberofskewersdelivereddailywith，theprovender，byeachdogs’-meatcartorbarrow，wasthirty-six。
Now，multiplyingthenumberofskewerssodeliveredbythenumber，ofbarrows，atotalofsixty-twothousandsevenhundredandforty-
eightskewersdailywouldbeobtained。Allowingthat，ofthese，sixty-twothousandsevenhundredandforty-eightskewers，theodd，twothousandsevenhundredandforty-eightwereaccidentally，devouredwiththemeat，bythemostvoraciousoftheanimals，supplied，itfollowedthatsixtythousandskewersperday，orthe，enormousnumberoftwenty-onemillionsninehundredthousand，skewersannually，werewastedinthekennelsanddustholesof，London;which，ifcollectedandwarehoused，wouldintenyears’
timeaffordamassoftimbermorethansufficientforthe，constructionofafirst-ratevesselofwarfortheuseofher，Majesty’snavy，tobecalled“TheRoyalSkewer，“andtobecome，underthatnametheterrorofalltheenemiesofthisisland。
’MR。X。LEDBRAINreadaveryingeniouscommunication，fromwhichit，appearedthatthetotalnumberoflegsbelongingtothe，manufacturingpopulationofonegreattowninYorkshirewas，in，roundnumbers，fortythousand，whilethetotalnumberofchairand，stoollegsintheirhouseswasonlythirtythousand，which，upon，theveryfavourableaverageofthreelegstoaseat，yieldedonly，tenthousandseatsinall。Fromthiscalculationitwouldappear，-nottakingwoodenorcorklegsintotheaccount，butallowingtwo，legstoeveryperson，-thattenthousandindividuals(one-halfof，thewholepopulation)wereeitherdestituteofanyrestfortheir，legsatall，orpassedthewholeoftheirleisuretimeinsitting，uponboxes。
’SECTIOND-MECHANICALSCIENCE。
COACH-HOUSE，ORIGINALPIG。
PRESIDENT-Mr。Carter。VICE-PRESIDENTS-Mr。TruckandMr。
Waghorn。
’PROFESSORQUEERSPECKexhibitedanelegantmodelofaportable，railway，neatlymountedinagreencase，forthewaistcoatpocket。
Byattachingthisbeautifulinstrumenttohisboots，anyBankor，public-officeclerkcouldtransporthimselffromhisplaceof，residencetohisplaceofbusiness，attheeasyrateofsixty-five，milesanhour，which，togentlemenofsedentarypursuits，wouldbe，anincalculableadvantage。
’THEPRESIDENTwasdesirousofknowingwhetheritwasnecessaryto，havealevelsurfaceonwhichthegentlemanwastorun。
’PROFESSORQUEERSPECKexplainedthatCitygentlemenwouldrunin，trains，beinghandcuffedtogethertopreventconfusionor，unpleasantness。Forinstance，trainswouldstarteverymorningat，eight，nine，andteno’clock，fromCamdenTown，Islington，Camberwell，Hackney，andvariousotherplacesinwhichCity，gentlemenareaccustomedtoreside。Itwouldbenecessarytohave，alevel，buthehadprovidedforthisdifficultybyproposingthat，thebestlinethatthecircumstanceswouldadmitof，shouldbe，takenthroughthesewerswhichunderminethestreetsofthe，metropolis，andwhich，welllightedbyjetsfromthegaspipes，whichrunimmediatelyabovethem，wouldformapleasantand，commodiousarcade，especiallyinwinter-time，whentheinconvenient，customofcarryingumbrellas，nowsogeneral，couldbewholly，dispensedwith。Inreplytoanotherquestion，ProfessorQueerspeck，statedthatnosubstituteforthepurposestowhichthesearcades，wereatpresentdevotedhadyetoccurredtohim，butthathehoped，nofancifulobjectiononthisheadwouldbeallowedtointerfere，withsogreatanundertaking。
’MR。JOBBAproducedaforcing-machineonanovelplan，forbringing，joint-stockrailwaysharesprematurelytoapremium。The，instrumentwasintheformofanelegantgiltweather-glass，of，mostdazzlingappearance，andwasworkedbehind，bystrings，after，themannerofapantomimetrick，thestringsbeingalwayspulledby，thedirectorsofthecompanytowhichthemachinebelonged。The，quicksilverwassoingeniouslyplaced，thatwhentheacting，directorsheldsharesintheirpockets，figuresdenotingverysmall，expensesandverylargereturnsappearedupontheglass;butthe，momentthedirectorspartedwiththesepiecesofpaper，the，estimateofneedfulexpendituresuddenlyincreaseditselftoan，immenseextent，whilethestatementsofcertainprofitsbecame，reducedinthesameproportion。Mr。Jobbastatedthatthemachine，hadbeeninconstantrequisitionforsomemonthspast，andhehad，neveronceknownittofail。
’AMemberexpressedhisopinionthatitwasextremelyneatand，pretty。Hewishedtoknowwhetheritwasnotliabletoaccidental，derangement？，Mr。Jobbasaidthatthewholemachinewasundoubtedly，liabletobeblownup，butthatwastheonlyobjectiontoit。
’PROFESSORNOGOarrivedfromtheanatomicalsectiontoexhibita，modelofasafetyfire-escape，whichcouldbefixedatanytime，in，lessthanhalfanhour，andbymeansofwhich，theyoungestormost，infirmpersons(successfullyresistingtheprogressoftheflames，untilitwasquiteready)couldbepreservediftheymerely，balancedthemselvesforafewminutesonthesilloftheirbedroom，window，andgotintotheescapewithoutfallingintothestreet。
TheProfessorstatedthatthenumberofboyswhohadbeenrescued，inthedaytimebythismachinefromhouseswhichwerenotonfire，wasalmostincredible。Notaconflagrationhadoccurredinthe，wholeofLondonformanymonthspasttowhichtheescapehadnot，beencarriedontheverynextday，andputinactionbeforea，concourseofpersons。
’THEPRESIDENTinquiredwhethertherewasnotsomedifficultyin，ascertainingwhichwasthetopofthemachine，andwhichthe，bottom，incasesofpressingemergency。
’PROFESSORNOGOexplainedthatofcourseitcouldnotbeexpected，toactquiteaswellwhentherewasafire，aswhentherewasnota，fire;butintheformercasehethoughtitwouldbeofequal，servicewhetherthetopwereupordown。’
Withthelastsectionourcorrespondentconcludeshismostableand，faithfulReport，whichwillneverceasetoreflectcredituponhim，forhisscientificattainments，anduponusforourenterprising，spirit。Itisneedlesstotakeareviewofthesubjectswhichhave，beendiscussed;ofthemodeinwhichtheyhavebeenexamined;of，thegreattruthswhichtheyhaveelicited。Theyarenowbeforethe，world，andweleavethemtoread，toconsider，andtoprofit。
Theplaceofmeetingfornextyearhasundergonediscussion，and，hasatlengthbeendecided，regardbeinghadto，andevidencebeing，takenupon，thegoodnessofitswines，thesupplyofitsmarkets，thehospitalityofitsinhabitants，andthequalityofitshotels。
Wehopeatthisnextmeetingourcorrespondentmayagainbe，present，andthatwemaybeoncemorethemeansofplacinghis，communicationsbeforetheworld。Untilthatperiodwehavebeen，prevailedupontoallowthisnumberofourMiscellanytobe，retailedtothepublic，orwholesaledtothetrade，withoutany，advanceuponourusualprice。
Wehaveonlytoadd，thatthecommitteesarenowbrokenup，and，thatMudfogisonceagainrestoredtoitsaccustomedtranquillity，-thatProfessorsandMembershavehadballs，andSOIREES，and，suppers，andgreatmutualcomplimentations，andhaveatlength，dispersedtotheirseveralhomes，-whitherallgoodwishesand，joysattendthem，untilnextyear！
SignedBOZ。
FULLREPORTOFTHESECONDMEETINGOFTHEMUDFOGASSOCIATIONFORTHE
ADVANCEMENTOFEVERYTHING
InOctoberlast，wedidourselvestheimmortalcreditofrecording，atanenormousexpense，andbydintofexertionsunnpralleledin，thehistoryofperiodicalpublication，theproceedingsofthe，MudfogAssociationfortheAdvancementofEverything，whichinthat，monthhelditsfirstgreathalf-yearlymeeting，tothewonderand，delightofthewholeempire。Weannouncedattheconclusionof，thatextraordinaryandmostremarkableReport，thatwhentheSecond，MeetingoftheSocietyshouldtakeplace，weshouldbefoundagain，atourpost，renewingourgiganticandspiritedendeavours，and，oncemoremakingtheworldringwiththeaccuracy，authenticity，immeasurablesuperiority，andintenseremarkabilityofouraccount，ofitsproceedings。Inredemptionofthispledge，wecausedtobe，despatchedpersteamtoOldcastle(atwhichplacethissecond，meetingoftheSocietywasheldonthe20thinstant)，thesame，superhumanly-endowedgentlemanwhofurnishedtheformerreport，and，who，-giftedbynaturewithtranscendentabilities，andfurnished，byuswithabodyofassistantsscarcelyinferiortohimself，-has，forwardedaseriesofletters，which，forfaithfulnessof，description，poweroflanguage，fervourofthought，happinessof，expression，andimportanceofsubject-matter，havenoequalinthe，epistolaryliteratureofanyageorcountry。Wegivethis，gentleman’scorrespondenceentire，andintheorderinwhichit，reachedouroffice。
’SALOONOFSTEAMER，THURSDAYNIGHT，HALF-PASTEIGHT。
’WhenIleftNewBurlingtonStreetthiseveninginthehackney，cabriolet，numberfourthousandtwohundredandeighty-five，I
experiencedsensationsasnovelastheywereoppressive。Asense，oftheimportanceofthetaskIhadundertaken，aconsciousness，thatIwasleavingLondon，and，strangerstill，goingsomewhere，else，afeelingoflonelinessandasensationofjolting，quite，bewilderedmythoughts，andforatimerenderedmeeveninsensible，tothepresenceofmycarpet-bagandhat-box。Ishalleverfeel，gratefultothedriverofaBlackwallomnibuswho，bythrustingthe，poleofhisvehiclethroughthesmalldoorofthecabriolet，awakenedmefromatumultofimaginingsthatarewholly，indescribable。Butofsuchmaterialsisourimperfectnature，composed！
’IamhappytosaythatIamthefirstpassengeronboard，and，shallthusbeenabledtogiveyouanaccountofallthathappensin，theorderofitsoccurrence。Thechimneyissmokingagooddeal，andsoarethecrew;andthecaptain，Iaminformed，isverydrunk，inalittlehouseupondeck，somethinglikeablackturnpike。I
shouldinferfromallIhearthathehasgotthesteamup。
’YouwillreadilyguesswithwhatfeelingsIhavejustmadethe，discoverythatmyberthisinthesameclosetwiththoseengagedby，ProfessorWoodensconce，Mr。Slug，andProfessorGrime。Professor，Woodensconcehastakentheshelfaboveme，andMr。Slugand，ProfessorGrimethetwoshelvesopposite。Theirluggagehas，alreadyarrived。OnMr。Slug’sbedisalongtintubeofabout，threeinchesindiameter，carefullyclosedatbothends。Whatcan，thiscontain？，Somepowerfulinstrumentofanewconstruction，doubtless。’
’TENMINUTESPASTNINE。
’Nobodyhasyetarrived，norhasanythingfreshcomeinmyway，exceptseveraljointsofbeefandmutton，fromwhichIconclude，thatagoodplaindinnerhasbeenprovidedforto-morrow。Thereis，asingularsmellbelow，whichgavemesomeuneasinessatfirst;but，asthestewardsaysitisalwaysthere，andnevergoesaway，Iam，quitecomfortableagain。Ilearnfromthismanthatthedifferent，sectionswillbedistributedattheBlackBoyandStomach-ache，and，theBoot-jackandCountenance。Ifthisintelligencebetrue(andI
havenoreasontodoubtit)，yourreaderswilldrawsuch，conclusionsastheirdifferentopinionsmaysuggest。
’Iwritedowntheseremarksastheyoccurtome，orasthefacts，cometomyknowledge，inorderthatmyfirstimpressionsmaylose，nothingoftheiroriginalvividness。Ishalldespatchthemin，smallpacketsasopportunitiesarise。’
’HALFPASTNINE。
’Somedarkobjecthasjustappeareduponthewharf。Ithinkitis，atravellingcarriage。’
’AQUARTERTOTEN。
’No，itisn’t。’
’HALF-PASTTEN。
Thepassengersarepouringineveryinstant。Fouromnibusesfull，havejustarriveduponthewharf，andallisbustleandactivity。
Thenoiseandconfusionareverygreat。Clothsarelaidinthe，cabins，andthestewardisplacingblueplates-fullofknobsof，cheeseatequaldistancesdownthecentreofthetables。Hedrops，agreatmanyknobs;but，beingusedtoit，picksthemupagainwith，greatdexterity，and，afterwipingthemonhissleeve，throwsthem，backintotheplates。Heisayoungmanofexceedingly，prepossessingappearance-eitherdirtyoramulatto，butIthink，theformer。
’Aninterestingoldgentleman，whocametothewharfinanomnibus，hasjustquarrelledviolentlywiththeporters，andisstaggering，towardsthevesselwithalargetrunkinhisarms。Itrustand，hopethathemayreachitinsafety;buttheboardhehastocross，isnarrowandslippery。Wasthatasplash？，Graciouspowers！
’Ihavejustreturnedfromthedeck。Thetrunkisstandingupon，theextremebrinkofthewharf，buttheoldgentlemanisnowhereto，beseen。Thewatchmanisnotsurewhetherhewentdownornot，but，promisestodragforhimthefirstthingto-morrowmorning。May，hishumaneeffortsprovesuccessful！
’ProfessorNogohasthismomentarrivedwithhisnightcaponunder，hishat。Hehasorderedaglassofcoldbrandyandwater，witha，hardbiscuitandabasin，andhasgonestraighttobed。Whatcan，thismean？
’ThethreeotherscientificgentlementowhomIhavealready，alludedhavecomeonboard，andhavealltriedtheirbeds，withthe，exceptionofProfessorWoodensconce，whosleepsinoneofthetop，ones，andcan’tgetintoit。Mr。Slug，whosleepsintheothertop，one，isunabletogetoutofhis，andistohavehissupperhanded，upbyaboy。Ihavehadthehonourtointroducemyselftothese，gentlemen，andwehaveamicablyarrangedtheorderinwhichwe，shallretiretorest;whichitisnecessarytoagreeupon，because，althoughthecabinisverycomfortable，thereisnotroomformore，thanonegentlemantobeoutofbedatatime，andevenhemust，takehisbootsoffinthepassage。
’AsIanticipated，theknobsofcheesewereprovidedforthe，passengers’supper，andarenowincourseofconsumption。Your，readerswillbesurprisedtohearthatProfessorWoodensconcehas，abstainedfromcheeseforeightyears，althoughhetakesbutterin，considerablequantities。ProfessorGrimehavinglostseveral，teeth，isunable，Iobserve，toeathiscrustswithoutpreviously，soakingtheminhisbottledporter。Howinterestingarethese，peculiarities！’
’HALF-PASTELEVEN。
’ProfessorsWoodensconceandGrime，withadegreeofgoodhumour，thatdelightsusall，havejustarrangedtotossforabottleof，mulledport。Therehasbeensomediscussionwhetherthepayment，shouldbedecidedbythefirsttossorthebestoutofthree。
Eventuallythelattercoursehasbeendeterminedon。DeeplydoI
wishthatbothgentlemencouldwin;butthatbeingimpossible，I
ownthatmypersonalaspirations(Ispeakasanindividual，anddo，notcompromiseeitheryouoryourreadersbythisexpressionof，feeling)arewithProfessorWoodensconce。Ihavebackedthat，gentlemantotheamountofeighteenpence。’
’TWENTYMINUTESTOTWELVE。
’ProfessorGrimehasinadvertentlytossedhishalf-crownoutofone，ofthecabin-windows，andithasbeenarrangedthatthesteward，shalltossforhim。Betsareofferedonanysidetoanyamount，buttherearenotakers。
’ProfessorWoodensconcehasjustcalled“woman;“butthecoin，havinglodgedinabeam，isalongtimecomingdownagain。The，interestandsuspenseofthisonemomentarebeyondanythingthat，canbeimagined。’
’TWELVEO’CLOCK。
’Themulledportissmokingonthetablebeforeme，andProfessor，Grimehaswon。Tossingisagameofchance;butoneveryground，whetherofpublicorprivatecharacter，intellectualendowments，or，scientificattainments，Icannothelpexpressingmyopinionthat，ProfessorWoodensconceOUGHTtohavecomeoffvictorious。Thereis，anexultationaboutProfessorGrimeincompatible，Ifear，withtrue，greatness。’
’AQUARTERPASTTWELVE。
’ProfessorGrimecontinuestoexult，andtoboastofhisvictoryin，noverymeasuredterms，observingthathealwaysdoeswin，andthat，heknewitwouldbea“head“beforehand，withmanyotherremarksof，asimilarnature。Surelythisgentlemanisnotsolosttoevery，feelingofdecencyandproprietyasnottofeelandknowthe，superiorityofProfessorWoodensconce？，IsProfessorGrimeinsane？
ordoeshewishtoberemindedinplainlanguageofhistrue，positioninsociety，andthepreciselevelofhisacquirementsand，abilities？，ProfessorGrimewilldowelltolooktothis。’
’ONEO’CLOCK。
’Iamwritinginbed。Thesmallcabinisilluminatedbythefeeble，lightofaflickeringlampsuspendedfromtheceiling;Professor，Grimeislyingontheoppositeshelfonthebroadofhisback，with，hismouthwideopen。Thesceneisindescribablysolemn。The，ripplingofthetide，thenoiseofthesailors’feetoverhead，the，gruffvoicesontheriver，thedogsontheshore，thesnoringof，thepassengers，andaconstantcreakingofeveryplankinthe，vessel，aretheonlysoundsthatmeettheear。Withthese，exceptions，allisprofoundsilence。
’Mycuriosityhasbeenwithinthelastmomentverymuchexcited。
Mr。Slug，wholiesaboveProfessorGrime，hascautiouslywithdrawn，thecurtainsofhisberth，and，afterlookinganxiouslyout，asif，tosatisfyhimselfthathiscompanionsareasleep，hastakenupthe，tintubeofwhichIhavebeforespoken，andisregardingitwith，greatinterest。Whatraremechanicalcombinationcanbecontained，inthatmysteriouscase？，Itisevidentlyaprofoundsecretto，all。’
’AQUARTERPASTONE。
’ThebehaviourofMr。Sluggrowsmoreandmoremysterious。Hehas，unscrewedthetopofthetube，andnowrenewshisobservationsupon，hiscompanions，evidentlytomakesurethatheiswholly，unobserved。Heisclearlyontheeveofsomegreatexperiment。
Prayheaventhatitbenotadangerousone;buttheinterestsof，sciencemustbepromoted，andIampreparedfortheworst。’
’FIVEMINUTESLATER。
’Hehasproducedalargepairofscissors，anddrawnarollofsome，substance，notunlikeparchmentinappearance，fromthetincase。
Theexperimentisabouttobegin。Imuststrainmyeyestothe，utmost，intheattempttofollowitsminutestoperation。’
’TWENTYMINUTESBEFORETWO。
’Ihaveatlengthbeenenabledtoascertainthatthetintube，containsafewyardsofsomecelebratedplaster，recommended-asI
discoveronregardingthelabelattentivelythroughmyeye-glass-
asapreservativeagainstsea-sickness。Mr。Slughascutitup，intosmallportions，andisnowstickingitoverhimselfinevery，direction。’
’THREEO’CLOCK。
’Preciselyaquarterofanhouragoweweighedanchor，andthe，machinerywassuddenlyputinmotionwithanoisesoappalling，thatProfessorWoodensconce(whohadascendedtohisberthbymeans，ofaplatformofcarpet-bagsarrangedbyhimselfongeometrical，principals)dartedfromhisshelfheadforemost，and，gaininghis，feetwithalltherapidityofextremeterror，ranwildlyintothe，ladies’cabin，undertheimpressionthatweweresinking，and，utteringloudcriesforaid。Iamassuredthatthescenewhich，ensuedbafflesalldescription。Therewereonehundredandforty-
sevenladiesintheirrespectiveberthsatthetime。
’Mr。Slughasremarked，asanadditionalinstanceoftheextreme，ingenuityofthesteam-engineasappliedtopurposesofnavigation，thatinwhateverpartofthevesselapassenger’sberthmaybe，situated，themachineryalwaysappearstobeexactlyunderhis，pillow。Heintendsstatingthisverybeautiful，thoughsimple，discovery，totheassociation。’
’HALF-PASTTEN。
’Wearestillinsmoothwater;thatistosay，inassmoothwater，asasteam-vesselevercanbe，for，asProfessorWoodensconce(who，hasjustwokeup)learnedlyremarks，anothergreatpointof，ingenuityaboutasteameris，thatitalwayscarriesalittlestorm，withit。Youcanscarcelyconceivehowexcitingthejerking，pulsationoftheshipbecomes。Itisamatterofpositive，difficultytogettosleep。’
’FRIDAYAFTERNOON，SIXO’CLOCK。
’IregrettoinformyouthatMr。Slug’splasterhasprovedofno，avail。Heisingreatagony，buthasappliedseverallarge，additionalpiecesnotwithstanding。Howaffectingisthisextreme，devotiontoscienceandpursuitofknowledgeunderthemosttrying，circumstances！
’Wewereextremelyhappythismorning，andthebreakfastwasoneof，themostanimateddescription。Nothingunpleasantoccurreduntil，noon，withtheexceptionofDoctorFoxey’sbrownsilkumbrellaand，whitehatbecomingentangledinthemachinerywhilehewas，explainingtoaknotofladiestheconstructionofthesteam-
engine。Ifearthegravysoupforlunchwasinjudicious。Welost，agreatmanypassengersalmostimmediatelyafterwards。’
’HALF-PASTSIX。
’Iamagaininbed。Anythingsoheart-rendingasMr。Slug’s，sufferingsithasneveryetbeenmylottowitness。’
’SEVENO’CLOCK。
’Amessengerhasjustcomedownforacleanpocket-handkerchief，fromProfessorWoodensconce’sbag，thatunfortunategentlemanbeing，quiteunabletoleavethedeck，andimploringconstantlytobe，thrownoverboard。FromthismanIunderstandthatProfessorNogo，thoughinastateofutterexhaustion，clingsfeeblytothehard，biscuitandcoldbrandyandwater，undertheimpressionthatthey，willyetrestorehim。Suchisthetriumphofmindovermatter。
’ProfessorGrimeisinbed，toallappearancequitewell;buthe，WILLeat，anditisdisagreeabletoseehim。Hasthisgentlemanno，sympathywiththesufferingsofhisfellow-creatures？，Ifhehas，onwhatprinciplecanhecallformutton-chops-andsmile？’
’BLACKBOYANDSTOMACH-ACHE，OLDCASTLE，SATURDAYNOON。
’YouwillbehappytolearnthatIhaveatlengtharrivedherein，safety。Thetownisexcessivelycrowded，andalltheprivate，lodgingsandhotelsarefilledwithSAVANSofbothsexes。The，tremendousassemblageofintellectthatoneencountersinevery，streetisinthelastdegreeoverwhelming。
’Notwithstandingthethrongofpeoplehere，Ihavebeenfortunate，enoughtomeetwithverycomfortableaccommodationonvery，reasonableterms，havingsecuredasofainthefirst-floorpassage，atoneguineapernight，whichincludespermissiontotakemymeals，inthebar，onconditionthatIwalkaboutthestreetsatallother，times，tomakeroomforothergentlemensimilarlysituated。Ihave，beenovertheouthousesintendedtobedevotedtothereceptionof，thevarioussections，bothhereandattheBoot-jackand，Countenance，andammuchdelightedwiththearrangements。Nothing，canexceedthefreshappearanceofthesaw-dustwithwhichthe，floorsaresprinkled。Theformsareofunplaneddeal，andthe，generaleffect，asyoucanwellimagine，isextremelybeautiful。’
’HALF-PASTNINE。
’Thenumberandrapidityofthearrivalsarequitebewildering。
Withinthelasttenminutesastage-coachhasdrivenuptothe，door，filledinsideandoutwithdistinguishedcharacters，comprisingMr。Muddlebranes，Mr。Drawley，ProfessorMuff，Mr。X。
Misty，Mr。X。X。Misty，Mr。Purblind，ProfessorRummun，The，HonourableandReverendMr。LongEers，ProfessorJohnKetch，Sir，WilliamJoltered，DoctorBuffer，Mr。Smith(ofLondon)，Mr。Brown，(ofEdinburgh)，SirHookhamSnivey，andProfessorPumpkinskull。
Thetenlast-namedgentlemenwerewetthrough，andlookedextremely，intelligent。’
’SUNDAY，TWOO’CLOCK，P。M。
’TheHonourableandReverendMr。LongEers，accompaniedbySir，WilliamJoltered，walkedanddrovethismorning。Theyaccomplished，theformerfeatinboots，andthelatterinahiredfly。Thishas，naturallygivenrisetomuchdiscussion。
’IhavejustlearntthataninterviewhastakenplaceattheBoot-
jackandCountenancebetweenSowster，theactiveandintelligent，beadleofthisplace，andProfessorPumpkinskull，who，asyour，readersaredoubtlessaware，isaninfluentialmemberofthe，council。Iforbeartocommunicateanyoftherumourstowhichthis，veryextraordinaryproceedinghasgivenriseuntilIhaveseen，Sowster，andendeavouredtoascertainthetruthfromhim。’
’HALF-PASTSIX。
’Iengagedadonkey-chaiseshortlyafterwritingtheabove，and，proceededatabrisktrotinthedirectionofSowster’sresidence，passingthroughabeautifulexpanseofcountry，withredbrick，buildingsoneitherside，andstoppinginthemarketplaceto，observethespotwhereMr。Kwakley’shatwasblownoffyesterday。
Itisanunevenpieceofpaving，buthascertainlynoappearance，whichwouldleadonetosupposethatanysucheventhadrecently，occurredthere。FromthispointIproceeded-passingthegas-
worksandtallow-melter’s-toalanewhichhadbeenpointedoutto，measthebeadle’splaceofresidence;andbeforeIhaddrivena，dozenyardsfurther，IhadthegoodfortunetomeetSowsterhimself，advancingtowardsme。
’Sowsterisafatman，withamoreenlargeddevelopmentofthat，peculiarconformationofcountenancewhichisvulgarlytermeda，doublechinthanIremembertohaveeverseenbefore。Hehasalso，averyrednose，whichheattributestoahabitofearlyrising-
sored，indeed，thatbutforthisexplanationIshouldhave，supposedittoproceedfromoccasionalinebriety。Heinformedme，thathedidnotfeelhimselfatlibertytorelatewhathadpassed，betweenhimselfandProfessorPumpkinskull，buthadnoobjectionto，statethatitwasconnectedwithamatterofpoliceregulation，and，addedwithpeculiarsignificance“Neverwossitchtimes！”
’Youwilleasilybelievethatthisintelligencegaveme，considerablesurprise，notwhollyunmixedwithanxiety，andthatI
lostnotimeinwaitingonProfessorPumpkinskull，andstatingthe，objectofmyvisit。Afterafewmoments’reflection，the，Professor，who，Iamboundtosay，behavedwiththeutmost，politeness，openlyavowed(Imarkthepassageinitalics)THATHE
HADREQUESTEDSOWSTERTOATTENDONTHEMONDAYMORNINGATTHEBOOT-
JACKANDCOUNTENANCE，TOKEEPOFFTHEBOYS;ANDTHATHEHADFURTHER
DESIREDTHATTHEUNDER-BEADLEMIGHTBESTATIONED，WITHTHESAME
OBJECT，ATTHEBLACKBOYANDSTOMACH-ACHE！
’NowIleavethisunconstitutionalproceedingtoyourcommentsand，theconsiderationofyourreaders。Ihaveyettolearnthata，beadle，withouttheprecinctsofachurch，churchyard，orwork-
house，andactingotherwisethanundertheexpressordersof，churchwardensandoverseersincouncilassembled，toenforcethe，lawagainstpeoplewhocomeupontheparish，andotheroffenders，hasanylawfulauthoritywhateverovertherisingyouthofthis，country。Ihaveyettolearnthatabeadlecanbecalledoutby，anyciviliantoexerciseadominationanddespotismovertheboys，ofBritain。Ihaveyettolearnthatabeadlewillbepermittedby，thecommissionersofpoorlawregulationtowearoutthesolesand，heelsofhisbootsinillegalinterferencewiththelibertiesof，peoplenotprovedpoororotherwisecriminal。Ihaveyettolearn，thatabeadlehaspowertostopuptheQueen’shighwayathiswill，andpleasure，orthatthewholewidthofthestreetisnotfreeand，opentoanyman，boy，orwomaninexistence，uptotheverywalls，ofthehouses-ay，betheyBlackBoysandStomach-aches，orBoot-
jacksandCountenances，Icarenot。’
’NINEO’CLOCK。
’Ihaveprocuredalocalartisttomakeafaithfulsketchofthe，tyrantSowster，which，ashehasacquiredthisinfamouscelebrity，youwillnodoubtwishtohaveengravedforthepurposeof，presentingacopywitheverycopyofyournextnumber。Ienclose，it。
[Picturewhichcannotbereproduced]
Theunder-beadlehasconsentedtowritehislife，butitistobe，strictlyanonymous。
’Theaccompanyinglikenessisofcoursefromthelife，andcomplete，ineveryrespect。EvenifIhadbeentotallyignorantoftheman’s，realcharacter，andithadbeenplacedbeforemewithoutremark，I
shouldhaveshudderedinvoluntarily。Thereisanintensemalignity，ofexpressioninthefeatures，andabalefulferocityofpurposein，theruffian’seye，whichappalsandsickens。Hiswholeairis，rampantwithcruelty，noristhestomachlesscharacteristicofhis，demoniacpropensities。’
’MONDAY。
’Thegreatdayhasatlengtharrived。Ihaveneithereyes，nor，ears，norpens，norink，norpaper，foranythingbutthewonderful，proceedingsthathaveastoundedmysenses。Letmecollectmy，energiesandproceedtotheaccount。
’SECTIONA-ZOOLOGYANDBOTANY。
FRONTPARLOUR，BLACKBOYANDSTOMACH-ACHE。
PRESIDENT-SirWilliamJoltered。VICE-PRESIDENTS-Mr。
MuddlebranesandMr。Drawley。
’MR。X。X。MISTYcommunicatedsomeremarksonthedisappearanceof，dancing-bearsfromthestreetsofLondon，withobservationsonthe，exhibitionofmonkeysasconnectedwithbarrel-organs。Thewriter，hadobserved，withfeelingsoftheutmostpainandregret，that，someyearsagoasuddenandunaccountablechangeinthepublic，tastetookplacewithreferencetoitinerantbears，who，being，discountenancedbythepopulace，graduallyfelloffonebyonefrom，thestreetsofthemetropolis，untilnotoneremainedtocreatea，tastefornaturalhistoryinthebreastsofthepoorand，uninstructed。Onebear，indeed，-abrownandraggedanimal，-had，lingeredaboutthehauntsofhisformertriumphs，withawornand，dejectedvisageandfeeblelimbs，andhadessayedtowieldhis，quarter-stafffortheamusementofthemultitude;buthunger，and，anutterwantofanyduerecompenseforhisabilities，hadat，lengthdrivenhimfromthefield，anditwasonlytooprobablethat，hehadfallenasacrificetotherisingtasteforgrease。He，regrettedtoaddthatasimilar，andnolesslamentable，changehad，takenplacewithreferencetomonkeys。Thesedelightfulanimals，hadformerlybeenalmostasplentifulastheorgansonthetopsof，whichtheywereaccustomedtosit;theproportionintheyear1829
(itappearedbytheparliamentaryreturn)beingasonemonkeyto，threeorgans。Owing，however，toanalteredtasteinmusical，instruments，andthesubstitution，inagreatmeasure，ofnarrow，boxesofmusicfororgans，whichleftthemonkeysnothingtosit，upon，thissourceofpublicamusementwaswhollydriedup。
Consideringitamatterofthedeepestimportance，inconnection，withnationaleducation，thatthepeopleshouldnotlosesuch，opportunitiesofmakingthemselvesacquaintedwiththemannersand，customsoftwomostinterestingspeciesofanimals，theauthor，submittedthatsomemeasuresshouldbeimmediatelytakenforthe，restorationofthesepleasingandtrulyintellectualamusements。
’THEPRESIDENTinquiredbywhatmeansthehonourablemember，proposedtoattainthismostdesirableend？
’THEAUTHORsubmittedthatitcouldbemostfullyand，satisfactorilyaccomplished，ifHerMajesty’sGovernmentwould，causetobebroughtovertoEngland，andmaintainedatthepublic，expense，andforthepublicamusement，suchanumberofbearsas，wouldenableeveryquarterofthetowntobevisited-sayatleast，bythreebearsaweek。Nodifficultywhateverneedbeexperienced，inprovidingafittingplaceforthereceptionoftheseanimals，as，acommodiousbear-gardencouldbeerectedintheimmediate，neighbourhoodofbothHousesofParliament;obviouslythemost，properandeligiblespotforsuchanestablishment。
’PROFESSORMULLdoubtedverymuchwhetheranycorrectideasof，naturalhistorywerepropagatedbythemeanstowhichthe，honourablememberhadsoablyadverted。Onthecontrary，he，believedthattheyhadbeenthemeansofdiffusingveryincorrect，andimperfectnotionsonthesubject。Hespokefrompersonal，observationandpersonalexperience，whenhesaidthatmany，childrenofgreatabilitieshadbeeninducedtobelieve，fromwhat，theyhadobservedinthestreets，atandbeforetheperiodtowhich，thehonourablegentlemanhadreferred，thatallmonkeyswereborn，inredcoatsandspangles，andthattheirhatsandfeathersalso，camebynature。Hewishedtoknowdistinctlywhetherthe，honourablegentlemanattributedthewantofencouragementthebears，hadmetwithtothedeclineofpublictasteinthatrespect，orto，awantofabilityonthepartofthebearsthemselves？
’MR。X。X。MISTYreplied，thathecouldnotbringhimselfto，believebutthattheremustbeagreatdealoffloatingtalent，amongthebearsandmonkeysgenerally;which，intheabsenceofany，properencouragement，wasdispersedinotherdirections。
’PROFESSORPUMPKINSKULLwishedtotakethatopportunityofcalling，theattentionofthesectiontoamostimportantandseriouspoint。
Theauthorofthetreatisejustreadhadalludedtotheprevalent，tasteforbears’-greaseasameansofpromotingthegrowthofhair，whichundoubtedlywasdiffusedtoaverygreatand(asitappeared，tohim)veryalarmingextent。Nogentlemanattendingthatsection，couldfailtobeawareofthefactthattheyouthofthepresent，ageevinced，bytheirbehaviourinthestreets，andatallplaces，ofpublicresort，aconsiderablelackofthatgallantryand，gentlemanlyfeelingwhich，inmoreignoranttimes，hadbeenthought，becoming。Hewishedtoknowwhetheritwerepossiblethata，constantoutwardapplicationofbears’-greasebytheyoung，gentlemenabouttownhadimperceptiblyinfusedintothoseunhappy，personssomethingofthenatureandqualityofthebear。He，shudderedashethrewouttheremark;butifthistheory，on，inquiry，shouldprovetobewellfounded，itwouldatonceexplain，agreatdealofunpleasanteccentricityofbehaviour，which，withoutsomesuchdiscovery，waswhollyunaccountable。
’THEPRESIDENThighlycomplimentedthelearnedgentlemanonhis，mostvaluablesuggestion，whichproducedthegreatesteffectupon，theassembly;andremarkedthatonlyaweekprevioushehadseen，someyounggentlemenatatheatreeyeingaboxofladieswitha，fierceintensity，whichnothingbuttheinfluenceofsomebrutish，appetitecouldpossiblyexplain。Itwasdreadfultoreflectthat，ouryouthweresorapidlyvergingintoagenerationofbears。
’Afterasceneofscientificenthusiasmitwasresolvedthatthis，importantquestionshouldbeimmediatelysubmittedtothe，considerationofthecouncil。
’THEPRESIDENTwishedtoknowwhetheranygentlemancouldinform，thesectionwhathadbecomeofthedancing-dogs？
’AMEMBERreplied，aftersomehesitation，thatonthedayafter，threeglee-singershadbeencommittedtoprisonascriminalsbya，latemostzealouspolice-magistrateofthemetropolis，thedogshad，abandonedtheirprofessionalduties，anddispersedthemselvesin，differentquartersofthetowntogainalivelihoodbyless，dangerousmeans。Hewasgiventounderstandthatsincethatperiod，theyhadsupportedthemselvesbylyinginwaitforandrobbing，blindmen’spoodles。
’MR。FLUMMERYexhibitedatwig，claimingtobeaveritablebranch，ofthatnobletreeknowntonaturalistsastheSHAKSPEARE，which，hastakenrootineverylandandclimate，andgatheredunderthe，shadeofitsbroadgreenboughsthegreatfamilyofmankind。The，learnedgentlemanremarkedthatthetwighadbeenundoubtedly，calledbyothernamesinitstime;butthatithadbeenpointedout，tohimbyanoldladyinWarwickshire，wherethegreattreehad，grown，asashootofthegenuineSHAKSPEARE，bywhichnamehe，beggedtointroduceittohiscountrymen。
’THEPRESIDENTwishedtoknowwhatbotanicaldefinitionthe，honourablegentlemancouldaffordofthecuriosity。
’MR。FLUMMERYexpressedhisopinionthatitwasADECIDEDPLANT。
’SECTIONB-DISPLAYOFMODELSANDMECHANICALSCIENCE。
LARGEROOM，BOOT-JACKANDCOUNTENANCE。
PRESIDENT-Mr。Mallett。VICE-PRESIDENTS-Messrs。Leaverand，Scroo。
’MR。CRINKLESexhibitedamostbeautifulanddelicatemachine，of，littlelargersizethananordinarysnuff-box，manufactured，entirelybyhimself，andcomposedexclusivelyofsteel，bytheaid，ofwhichmorepocketscouldbepickedinonehourthanbythe，presentslowandtediousprocessinfour-and-twenty。Theinventor，remarkedthatithadbeenputintoactiveoperationinFleet，Street，theStrand，andotherthoroughfares，andhadneverbeen，onceknowntofail。
’Aftersomeslightdelay，occasionedbythevariousmembersofthe，sectionbuttoningtheirpockets，’THEPRESIDENTnarrowlyinspectedtheinvention，anddeclaredthat，hehadneverseenamachineofmorebeautifulorexquisite，construction。Wouldtheinventorbegoodenoughtoinformthe，sectionwhetherhehadtakenanyandwhatmeansforbringingit，intogeneraloperation？
’MR。CRINKLESstatedthat，afterencounteringsomepreliminary，difficulties，hehadsucceededinputtinghimselfincommunication，withMr。FogleHunter，andothergentlemenconnectedwiththeswell，mob，whohadawardedtheinventiontheveryhighestandmost，unqualifiedapprobation。Heregrettedtosay，however，thatthese，distinguishedpractitioners，incommonwithagentlemanofthename，ofGimlet-eyedTommy，andothermembersofasecondarygradeofthe，professionwhomhewasunderstoodtorepresent，entertainedan，insuperableobjectiontoitsbeingbroughtintogeneraluse，onthe，groundthatitwouldhavetheinevitableeffectofalmostentirely，supersedingmanuallabour，andthrowingagreatnumberofhighly-
deservingpersonsoutofemployment。
’THEPRESIDENThopedthatnosuchfancifulobjectionswouldbe，allowedtostandinthewayofsuchagreatpublicimprovement。
’MR。CRINKLEShopedsotoo;buthefearedthatifthegentlemenof，theswellmobperseveredintheirobjection，nothingcouldbedone。
’PROFESSORGRIMEsuggested，thatsurely，inthatcase，Her，Majesty’sGovernmentmightbeprevailedupontotakeitup。
’MR。CRINKLESsaid，thatiftheobjectionwerefoundtobe，insuperableheshouldapplytoParliament，whichhethoughtcould，notfailtorecognisetheutilityoftheinvention。
’THEPRESIDENTobservedthat，uptothistimeParliamenthad，certainlygotonverywellwithoutit;but，astheydidtheir，businessonaverylargescale，hehadnodoubttheywouldgladly，adopttheimprovement。Hisonlyfearwasthatthemachinemightbe，wornoutbyconstantworking。
’MR。COPPERNOSEcalledtheattentionofthesectiontoa，propositionofgreatmagnitudeandinterest，illustratedbyavast，numberofmodels，andstatedwithmuchclearnessandperspicuityin，atreatiseentitled“PracticalSuggestionsonthenecessityof，providingsomeharmlessandwholesomerelaxationfortheyoung，noblemenofEngland。”，Hispropositionwas，thataspaceofground，ofnotlessthantenmilesinlengthandfourinbreadthshouldbe，purchasedbyanewcompany，tobeincorporatedbyActof，Parliament，andinclosedbyabrickwallofnotlessthantwelve，feetinheight。Heproposedthatitshouldbelaidoutwith，highwayroads，turnpikes，bridges，miniaturevillages，andevery，objectthatcouldconducetothecomfortandgloryofFour-in-hand，Clubs，sothattheymightbefairlypresumedtorequirenodrive，beyondit。Thisdelightfulretreatwouldbefittedupwithmost，commodiousandextensivestables，fortheconvenienceofsuchof，thenobilityandgentryashadatasteforostlering，andwith，housesofentertainmentfurnishedinthemostexpensiveand，handsomestyle。Itwouldbefurtherprovidedwithwholestreetsof，door-knockersandbell-handlesofextrasize，soconstructedthat，theycouldbeeasilywrenchedoffatnight，andregularlyscrewed，onagain，byattendantsprovidedforthepurpose，everyday。There，wouldalsobegaslampsofrealglass，whichcouldbebrokenata，comparativelysmallexpenseperdozen，andabroadandhandsome，footpavementforgentlementodrivetheircabrioletsuponwhen，theywerehumorouslydisposed-forthefullenjoymentofwhich，featlivepedestrianswouldbeprocuredfromtheworkhouseata，verysmallchargeperhead。Theplacebeinginclosed，and，carefullyscreenedfromtheintrusionofthepublic，therewouldbe，noobjectiontogentlemenlayingasideanyarticleoftheircostume，thatwasconsideredtointerferewithapleasantfrolic，or，indeed，totheirwalkingaboutwithoutanycostumeatall，ifthey，likedthatbetter。Inshort，everyfacilityofenjoymentwouldbe，affordedthatthemostgentlemanlypersoncouldpossiblydesire。
Butaseventheseadvantageswouldbeincompleteunlesstherewere，somemeansprovidedofenablingthenobilityandgentrytodisplay，theirprowesswhentheysalliedforthafterdinner，andassome，inconveniencemightbeexperiencedintheeventoftheirbeing，reducedtothenecessityofpummellingeachother，theinventorhad，turnedhisattentiontotheconstructionofanentirelynewpolice，force，composedexclusivelyofautomatonfigures，which，withthe，assistanceoftheingeniousSignorGagliardi，ofWindmill-street，intheHaymarket，hehadsucceededinmakingwithsuchnicety，that，apoliceman，cab-driver，oroldwoman，madeupontheprincipleof，themodelsexhibited，wouldwalkaboutuntilknockeddownlikeany，realman;nay，more，ifsetuponandbeatenbysixoreight，noblemenorgentlemen，afteritwasdown，thefigurewouldutter，diversgroans，mingledwithentreatiesformercy，thusrendering，theillusioncomplete，andtheenjoymentperfect。Butthe，inventiondidnotstopevenhere;forstation-houseswouldbe，built，containinggoodbedsfornoblemenandgentlemenduringthe，night，andinthemorningtheywouldrepairtoacommodiouspolice，office，whereapantomimicinvestigationwouldtakeplacebefore，theautomatonmagistrates，-quiteequaltolife，-whowouldfine，theminsomanycounters，withwhichtheywouldbepreviously，providedforthepurpose。Thisofficewouldbefurnishedwithan，inclinedplane，fortheconvenienceofanynoblemanorgentleman，whomightwishtobringinhishorseasawitness;andthe，prisonerswouldbeatperfectliberty，astheywerenow，to，interruptthecomplainantsasmuchastheypleased，andtomakeany，remarksthattheythoughtproper。Thechargefortheseamusements，wouldamounttoverylittlemorethantheyalreadycost，andthe，inventorsubmittedthatthepublicwouldbemuchbenefitedand，comfortedbytheproposedarrangement。
’PROFESSORNOGOwishedtobeinformedwhatamountofautomaton，policeforceitwasproposedtoraiseinthefirstinstance。
’MR。COPPERNOSEreplied，thatitwasproposedtobeginwithseven，divisionsofpoliceofascoreeach，letteredfromAtoG
inclusive。Itwasproposedthatnotmorethanhalfthisnumber，shouldbeplacedonactiveduty，andthattheremaindershouldbe，keptonshelvesinthepoliceofficereadytobecalledoutata，moment’snotice。
’THEPRESIDENT，awardingtheutmostmerittotheingenious，gentlemanwhohadoriginatedtheidea，doubtedwhetherthe，automatonpolicewouldquiteanswerthepurpose。Hefearedthat，noblemenandgentlemenwouldperhapsrequiretheexcitementof，thrashinglivingsubjects。
’MR。COPPERNOSEsubmitted，thatastheusualoddsinsuchcases，weretennoblemenorgentlementoonepolicemanorcab-driver，it，couldmakeverylittledifferenceinpointofexcitementwhether，thepolicemanorcab-driverwereamanorablock。Thegreat，advantagewouldbe，thatapoliceman’slimbsmightbeallknocked，off，andyethewouldbeinaconditiontododutynextday。He，mightevengivehisevidencenextmorningwithhisheadinhis，hand，andgiveitequallywell。
’PROFESSORMUFF-Willyouallowmetoaskyou，sir，ofwhat，materialsitisintendedthatthemagistrates’headsshallbe，composed？
’MR。COPPERNOSE-Themagistrateswillhavewoodenheadsof，course，andtheywillbemadeofthetoughestandthickest，materialsthatcanpossiblybeobtained。
’PROFESSORMUFF-Iamquitesatisfied。Thisisagreat，invention。
’PROFESSORNOGO-Iseebutoneobjectiontoit。Itappearstome，thatthemagistratesoughttotalk。
’MR。COPPERNOSEnosoonerheardthissuggestionthanhetoucheda，smallspringineachofthetwomodelsofmagistrateswhichwere，placeduponthetable;oneofthefiguresimmediatelybeganto，exclaimwithgreatvolubilitythathewassorrytoseegentlemenin，suchasituation，andtheothertoexpressafearthatthe，policemanwasintoxicated。
’Thesection，aswithoneaccord，declaredwithashoutofapplause，thattheinventionwascomplete;andthePresident，muchexcited，retiredwithMr。Coppernosetolayitbeforethecouncil。Onhis，return，’MR。TICKLEdisplayedhisnewly-inventedspectacles，whichenabled，thewearertodiscern，inverybrightcolours，objectsatagreat，distance，andrenderedhimwhollyblindtothoseimmediatelybefore，him。Itwas，hesaid，amostvaluableandusefulinvention，based，strictlyupontheprincipleofthehumaneye。
’THEPRESIDENTrequiredsomeinformationuponthispoint。Hehad，yettolearnthatthehumaneyewasremarkableforthe，peculiaritiesofwhichthehonourablegentlemanhadspoken。
’MR。TICKLEwasratherastonishedtohearthis，whenthePresident，couldnotfailtobeawarethatalargenumberofmostexcellent，personsandgreatstatesmencouldsee，withthenakedeye，most，marvelloushorrorsonWestIndiaplantations，whiletheycould，discernnothingwhateverintheinteriorofManchestercotton，mills。Hemustknow，too，withwhatquicknessofperceptionmost，peoplecoulddiscovertheirneighbour’sfaults，andhowveryblind，theyweretotheirown。IfthePresidentdifferedfromthegreat，majorityofmeninthisrespect，hiseyewasadefectiveone，and，itwastoassisthisvisionthattheseglassesweremade。
’MR。BLANKexhibitedamodelofafashionableannual，composedof，copper-plates，goldleaf，andsilkboards，andworkedentirelyby，milkandwater。
’MR。PROSEE，afterexaminingthemachine，declaredittobeso，ingeniouslycomposed，thathewaswhollyunabletodiscoverhowit，wentonatall。
’MR。BLANK-Nobodycan，andthatisthebeautyofit。
’SECTIONC-ANATOMYANDMEDICINE。
BARROOM，BLACKBOYANDSTOMACH-ACHE。
PRESIDENT-Dr。Soemup。VICE-PRESIDENTS-Messrs。Pesselland，Mortair。
’DR。GRUMMIDGEstatedtothesectionamostinterestingcaseof，monomania，anddescribedthecourseoftreatmenthehadpursued，withperfectsuccess。Thepatientwasamarriedladyinthemiddle，rankoflife，who，havingseenanotherladyataneveningpartyin，afullsuitofpearls，wassuddenlyseizedwithadesiretopossess，asimilarequipment，althoughherhusband’sfinanceswerebyno，meansequaltothenecessaryoutlay。Findingherwishungratified，shefellsick，andthesymptomssoonbecamesoalarming，thathe，(Dr。Grummidge)wascalledin。Atthisperiodtheprominenttokens，ofthedisorderweresullenness，atotalindispositiontoperform，domesticduties，greatpeevishness，andextremelanguor，except，whenpearlswerementioned，atwhichtimesthepulsequickened，the，eyesgrewbrighter，thepupilsdilated，andthepatient，after，variousincoherentexclamations，burstintoapassionoftears，and，exclaimedthatnobodycaredforher，andthatshewishedherself，dead。Findingthatthepatient’sappetitewasaffectedinthe，presenceofcompany，hebeganbyorderingatotalabstinencefrom，allstimulants，andforbiddinganysustenancebutweakgruel;he，thentooktwentyouncesofblood，appliedablisterundereachear，oneuponthechest，andanotherontheback;havingdonewhich，and，administeredfivegrainsofcalomel，heleftthepatienttoher，repose。Thenextdayshewassomewhatlow，butdecidedlybetter，andallappearancesofirritationwereremoved。Thenextdayshe，improvedstillfurther，andonthenextagain。Onthefourththere，wassomeappearanceofareturnoftheoldsymptoms，whichno，soonerdevelopedthemselves，thanheadministeredanotherdoseof，calomel，andleftstrictordersthat，unlessadecidedlyfavourable，changeoccurredwithintwohours，thepatient’sheadshouldbe，immediatelyshavedtotheverylastcurl。Fromthatmomentshe，begantomend，and，inlessthanfour-and-twentyhourswas，perfectlyrestored。Shedidnotnowbetraytheleastemotionat，thesightormentionofpearlsoranyotherornaments。Shewas，cheerfulandgood-humoured，andamostbeneficialchangehadbeen，effectedinherwholetemperamentandcondition。
’MR。PIPKIN(M。R。C。S。)readashortbutmostinteresting，communicationinwhichhesoughttoprovethecompletebeliefof，SirWilliamCourtenay，otherwiseThorn，recentlyshotat，Canterbury，intheHomoeopathicsystem。Thesectionwouldbearin，mindthatoneoftheHomoeopathicdoctrineswas，thatinfinitesimal，dosesofanymedicinewhichwouldoccasionthediseaseunderwhich，thepatientlaboured，supposinghimtobeinahealthystate，would，cureit。Now，itwasaremarkablecircumstance-provedinthe，evidence-thatthedeceasedThornemployedawomantofollowhim，aboutalldaywithapailofwater，assuringherthatonedrop(a，purelyhomoeopathicremedy，thesectionwouldobserve)，placedupon，histongue，afterdeath，wouldrestorehim。Whatwastheobvious，inference？，ThatThorn，whowasmarchingandcountermarchingin，osierbeds，andotherswampyplaces，wasimpressedwitha，presentimentthatheshouldbedrowned;inwhichcase，hadhis，instructionsbeencompliedwith，hecouldnotfailtohavebeen，broughttolifeagaininstantlybyhisownprescription。Asit，was，ifthiswoman，oranyotherperson，hadadministeredan，infinitesimaldoseofleadandgunpowderimmediatelyafterhefell，hewouldhaverecoveredforthwith。Butunhappilythewoman，concerneddidnotpossessthepowerofreasoningbyanalogy，or，carryingoutaprinciple，andthustheunfortunategentlemanhad，beensacrificedtotheignoranceofthepeasantry。
’SECTIOND-STATISTICS。
OUT-HOUSE，BLACKBOYANDSTOMACH-ACHE。
PRESIDENT-Mr。Slug。VICE-PRESIDENTS-Messrs。NoakesandStyles。
’MR。KWAKLEYstatedtheresultofsomemostingeniousstatistical，inquiriesrelativetothedifferencebetweenthevalueofthe，qualificationofseveralmembersofParliamentaspublishedtothe，world，anditsrealnatureandamount。Afterremindingthesection，thateverymemberofParliamentforatownorboroughwassupposed，topossessaclearfreeholdestateofthreehundredpoundsper，annum，thehonourablegentlemanexcitedgreatamusementand，laughterbystatingtheexactamountoffreeholdpropertypossessed，byacolumnoflegislators，inwhichhehadincludedhimself。It，appearedfromthistable，thattheamountofsuchincomepossessed，byeachwas0pounds，0shillings，and0pence，yieldinganaverage，ofthesame。(Greatlaughter。)，Itwasprettywellknownthatthere，wereaccommodatinggentlemeninthehabitoffurnishingnewmembers，withtemporaryqualifications，totheownershipofwhichtheyswore，solemnly-ofcourseasamerematterofform。Hearguedfrom，theseDATAthatitwaswhollyunnecessaryformembersofParliament，topossessanypropertyatall，especiallyaswhentheyhadnone，thepubliccouldgetthemsomuchcheaper。
’SUPPLEMENTARYSECTION，E-UMBUGOLOGYANDDITCHWATERISICS。
PRESIDENT-Mr。Grub。VICEPRESIDENTS-Messrs。DullandDummy。
’Apaperwasreadbythesecretarydescriptiveofabayponywith，oneeye，whichhadbeenseenbytheauthorstandinginabutcher’s，cartatthecornerofNewgateMarket。Thecommunicationdescribed，theauthorofthepaperashaving，intheprosecutionofa，mercantilepursuit，betakenhimselfoneSaturdaymorninglast，summerfromSomersTowntoCheapside;inthecourseofwhich，expeditionhehadbeheldtheextraordinaryappearanceabove，described。Theponyhadonedistincteye，andithadbeenpointed，outtohimbyhisfriendCaptainBlunderbore，oftheHorseMarines，whoassistedtheauthorinhissearch，thatwheneverhewinkedthis，eyehewhiskedhistail(possiblytodrivethefliesoff)，butthat，healwayswinkedandwhiskedatthesametime。Theanimalwas，lean，spavined，andtottering;andtheauthorproposedto，constituteitofthefamilyofFITFORDOGSMEATAURIOUS。Itcertainly，didoccurtohimthattherewasnocaseonrecordofaponywith，oneclearly-definedanddistinctorganofvision，winkingand，whiskingatthesamemoment。
’MR。Q。J。SNUFFLETOFFLEhadheardofaponywinkinghiseye，and，likewiseofaponywhiskinghistail，butwhethertheyweretwo，poniesorthesameponyhecouldnotundertakepositivelytosay。
Atallevents，hewasacquaintedwithnoauthenticatedinstanceof，asimultaneouswinkingandwhisking，andhereallycouldnotbut，doubttheexistenceofsuchamarvellousponyinoppositiontoall，thosenaturallawsbywhichponiesweregoverned。Referring，however，tothemerequestionofhisoneorganofvision，mighthe，suggestthepossibilityofthisponyhavingbeenliterallyhalf，asleepatthetimehewasseen，andhavingclosedonlyoneeye。
’THEPRESIDENTobservedthat，whethertheponywashalfasleepor，fastasleep，therecouldbenodoubtthattheassociationwaswide，awake，andthereforethattheyhadbettergetthebusinessover，andgotodinner。Hehadcertainlyneverseenanythinganalogous，tothispony，buthewasnotpreparedtodoubtitsexistence;for，hehadseenmanyqueererponiesinhistime，thoughhedidnot，pretendtohaveseenanymoreremarkabledonkeysthantheother，gentlemenaroundhim。
’PROFESSORJOHNKETCHwasthencalledupontoexhibittheskullof，thelateMr。Greenacre，whichheproducedfromabluebag，remarking，onbeinginvitedtomakeanyobservationsthatoccurred，tohim，“thathe’dpounditasthat’ere’spectablesectionhad，neverseedamoregamerercovenorhevos。”
’Amostanimateddiscussionuponthisinterestingrelicensued;
and，somedifferenceofopinionarisingrespectingthereal，characterofthedeceasedgentleman，Mr。Blubbdeliveredalecture，uponthecraniumbeforehim，clearlyshowingthatMr。Greenacre，possessedtheorganofdestructivenesstoamostunusualextent，withamostremarkabledevelopmentoftheorganofcarveativeness。
SirHookhamSniveywasproceedingtocombatthisopinion，when，ProfessorKetchsuddenlyinterruptedtheproceedingsbyexclaiming，withgreatexcitementofmanner，“Walker！”
’THEPRESIDENTbeggedtocallthelearnedgentlemantoorder。
’PROFESSORKETCH-“Orderbeblowed！you’vegotthewrongun，I
tellyou。Itain’tno’edatall;it’sacoker-nutasmybrother-
in-lawhasbeena-carvin’，tohornamenthisnewbakedtatur-stall，wotsa-comin’down’erevilethe’sociation’sinthetown。Hand，over，villyou？”
’Withthesewords，ProfessorKetchhastilyrepossessedhimselfof，thecocoa-nut，anddrewforththeskull，inmistakeforwhichhe，hadexhibitedit。Amostinterestingconversationensued;butas，thereappearedsomedoubtultimatelywhethertheskullwasMr。
Greenacre’s，orahospitalpatient’s，orapauper’s，oraman’s，or，awoman’s，oramonkey’s，noparticularresultwasobtained。’
’Icannot，’saysourtalentedcorrespondentinconclusion，’I
cannotclosemyaccountofthesegiganticresearchesandsublime，andnobletriumphswithoutrepeatingaBONMOTofProfessor，Woodensconce’s，whichshowshowthegreatestmindsmayoccasionally，unbendwhentruthcanbepresentedtolisteningears，clothedinan，attractiveandplayfulform。Iwasstandingby，when，afteraweek，offeastingandfeeding，thatlearnedgentleman，accompaniedbythe，wholebodyofwonderfulmen，enteredthehallyesterday，wherea，sumptuousdinnerwasprepared;wheretherichestwinessparkledon，theboard，andfatbucks-propitiatorysacrificestolearning-
sentforththeirsavouryodours。”Ah！”saidProfessor，Woodensconce，rubbinghishands，“thisiswhatwemeetfor;thisis，whatinspiresus;thisiswhatkeepsustogether，andbeckonsus，onward;thisistheSPREADofscience，andagloriousspreadit，is。”’
THEPANTOMIMEOFLIFE
Beforeweplungeheadlongintothispaper，letusatonceconfess，toafondnessforpantomimes-toagentlesympathywithclownsand，pantaloons-toanunqualifiedadmirationofharlequinsand，columbines-toachastedelightineveryactionoftheirbrief，existence，variedandmany-colouredasthoseactionsare，and，inconsistentthoughtheyoccasionallybewiththoserigidand，formalrulesofproprietywhichregulatetheproceedingsofmeaner，andlesscomprehensiveminds。Werevelinpantomimes-notbecause，theydazzleone’seyeswithtinselandgoldleaf;notbecausethey，presenttous，onceagain，thewell-belovedchalkedfaces，and，goggleeyesofourchildhood;notevenbecause，likeChristmas-day，andTwelfth-night，andShrove-Tuesday，andone’sownbirthday，they，cometousbutonceayear;-ourattachmentisfoundedonagraver，andaverydifferentreason。Apantomimeistous，amirrorof，life;nay，more，wemaintainthatitissotoaudiencesgenerally，althoughtheyarenotawareofit，andthatthisverycircumstance，isthesecretcauseoftheiramusementanddelight。