第18章
Therewasapause。
“AndIdon’tsee，“saidPaul，“whyyoushouldn’tgoonwhere，youleftoff。”
“What——“saidDawes，suggestively。
“Yes——fityouroldhometogetheragain。”
Daweshidhisfaceandshookhishead。
“Couldn’tbedone，“hesaid，andlookedupwithanironicsmile。
“Why？，Becauseyoudon’twant？”
“Perhaps。”
Theysmokedinsilence。Dawesshowedhisteethashebit，hispipestem。
“Youmeanyoudon’twanther？”askedPaul。
Dawesstaredupatthepicturewithacausticexpression，onhisface。
“Ihardlyknow，“hesaid。
Thesmokefloatedsoftlyup。
“Ibelieveshewantsyou，“saidPaul。
“Doyou？”repliedtheother，soft，satirical，abstract。
“Yes。Sheneverreallyhitchedontome——youwerealwaysthere，inthebackground。That’swhyshewouldn’tgetadivorce。”
Dawescontinuedtostareinasatiricalfashionatthepicture，overthemantelpiece。
“That’showwomenarewithme，“saidPaul。”Theywantme，likemad，buttheydon’twanttobelongtome。AndsheBELONGED
toyouallthetime。Iknew。”
ThetriumphantmalecameupinDawes。Heshowedhisteeth，moredistinctly。
“PerhapsIwasafool，“hesaid。
“Youwereabigfool，“saidMorel。
“ButperhapsevenTHENyouwereabiggerfool，“saidDawes。
Therewasatouchoftriumphandmaliceinit。
“Doyouthinkso？”saidPaul。
Theyweresilentforsometime。
“Atanyrate，I’mclearingoutto-morrow，“saidMorel。
“Isee，“answeredDawes。
Thentheydidnottalkanymore。Theinstincttomurder，eachotherhadreturned。Theyalmostavoidedeachother。
Theysharedthesamebedroom。WhentheyretiredDawes，seemedabstract，thinkingofsomething。Hesatontheside，ofthebedinhisshirt，lookingathislegs。
“Aren’tyougettingcold？”askedMorel。
“Iwaslookin’attheselegs，“repliedtheother。
“What’supwith’em？，Theylookallright，“repliedPaul，fromhisbed。
“Theylookallright。Butthere’ssomewaterin’emyet。”
“Andwhataboutit？”
“Comeandlook。”
Paulreluctantlygotoutofbedandwenttolookattherather，handsomelegsoftheothermanthatwerecoveredwithglistening，darkgoldhair。
“Lookhere，“saidDawes，pointingtohisshin。”Lookat，thewaterunderhere。”
“Where？”saidPaul。
Themanpressedinhisfinger-tips。Theyleftlittledents，thatfilledupslowly。
“It’snothing，“saidPaul。
“Youfeel，“saidDawes。
Paultriedwithhisfingers。Itmadelittledents。
“H’m！”hesaid。
“Rotten，isn’tit？”saidDawes。
“Why？，It’snothingmuch。”
“You’renotmuchofamanwithwaterinyourlegs。”
“Ican’tseeasitmakesanydifference，“saidMorel。
“I’vegotaweakchest。”
Hereturnedtohisownbed。
“Isupposetherestofme’sallright，“saidDawes，andhe，putoutthelight。
Inthemorningitwasraining。Morelpackedhisbag。
Theseawasgreyandshaggyanddismal。Heseemedtobecutting，himselfofffromlifemoreandmore。Itgavehimawickedpleasure，todoit。
Thetwomenwereatthestation。Clarasteppedoutofthetrain，andcamealongtheplatform，veryerectandcoldlycomposed。
Sheworealongcoatandatweedhat。Bothmenhatedher，forhercomposure。Paulshookhandswithheratthebarrier。
Daweswasleaningagainstthebookstall，watching。Hisblackovercoat，wasbuttoneduptothechinbecauseoftherain。Hewaspale，withalmostatouchofnobilityinhisquietness。Hecameforward，limpingslightly。
“Yououghttolookbetterthanthis，“shesaid。
“Oh，I’mallrightnow。”
Thethreestoodataloss。Shekeptthetwomenhesitating，nearher。
“Shallwegotothelodgingstraightoff，“saidPaul，“orsomewhereelse？”
“Wemayaswellgohome，“saidDawes。
Paulwalkedontheoutsideofthepavement，thenDawes，thenClara。
Theymadepoliteconversation。Thesitting-roomfacedthesea，whosetide，greyandshaggy，hissednotfaroff。
Morelswungupthebigarm-chair。
“Sitdown，Jack，“hesaid。
“Idon’twantthatchair，“saidDawes。
“Sitdown！”Morelrepeated。
Claratookoffherthingsandlaidthemonthecouch。Shehad，aslightairofresentment。Liftingherhairwithherfingers，shesatdown，ratheraloofandcomposed。Paulrandownstairs，tospeaktothelandlady。
“Ishouldthinkyou’recold，“saidDawestohiswife。
“Comenearertothefire。”
“Thankyou，I’mquitewarm，“sheanswered。
Shelookedoutofthewindowattherainandatthesea。
“Whenareyougoingback？”sheasked。
“Well，theroomsaretakenuntilto-morrow，sohewantsme，tostop。He’sgoingbackto-night。”
“Andthenyou’rethinkingofgoingtoSheffield？”
“Yes。”
“Areyoufittostartwork？”
“I’mgoingtostart。”
“You’vereallygotaplace？”
“Yes——beginonMonday。”
“Youdon’tlookfit。”
“Whydon’tI？”
Shelookedagainoutofthewindowinsteadofanswering。
“AndhaveyougotlodgingsinSheffield？”
“Yes。”
Againshelookedawayoutofthewindow。Thepaneswere，blurredwithstreamingrain。
“Andcanyoumanageallright？”sheasked。
“Is’dthinkso。Is’llhaveto！”
TheyweresilentwhenMorelreturned。
“Ishallgobythefour-twenty，“hesaidasheentered。
Nobodyanswered。
“Iwishyou’dtakeyourbootsoff，“hesaidtoClara。
“There’sapairofslippersofmine。”
“Thankyou，“shesaid。”Theyaren’twet。”
Heputtheslippersnearherfeet。Sheleftthemthere。
Morelsatdown。Boththemenseemedhelpless，andeachofthem，hadaratherhuntedlook。ButDawesnowcarriedhimselfquietly，seemedtoyieldhimself，whilePaulseemedtoscrewhimselfup。
Clarathoughtshehadneverseenhimlooksosmallandmean。
Hewasasiftryingtogethimselfintothesmallestpossiblecompass。
Andashewentaboutarranging，andashesattalking，thereseemed，somethingfalseabouthimandoutoftune。Watchinghimunknown，shesaidtoherselftherewasnostabilityabouthim。Hewasfine，inhisway，passionate，andabletogiveherdrinksofpurelife，whenhewasinonemood。Andnowhelookedpaltryandinsignificant。
Therewasnothingstableabouthim。Herhusbandhadmoremanlydignity。
AtanyrateHEdidnotwaftaboutwithanywind。Therewassomething，evanescentaboutMorel，shethought，somethingshiftingandfalse。
Hewouldnevermakesuregroundforanywomantostandon。
Shedespisedhimratherforhisshrinkingtogether，gettingsmaller。
Herhusbandatleastwasmanly，andwhenhewasbeatengavein。
Butthisotherwouldneverowntobeingbeaten。Hewouldshiftround，andround，prowl，getsmaller。Shedespisedhim。Andyetshewatched，himratherthanDawes，anditseemedasiftheirthreefateslayin，hishands。Shehatedhimforit。
Sheseemedtounderstandbetternowaboutmen，andwhattheycould，orwoulddo。Shewaslessafraidofthem，moresureofherself。
Thattheywerenotthesmallegoistsshehadimaginedthemmade，hermorecomfortable。Shehadlearnedagooddeal——almostasmuch，asshewantedtolearn。Hercuphadbeenfull。Itwasstillasfull，asshecouldcarry。Onthewhole，shewouldnotbesorrywhenhe，wasgone。
Theyhaddinner，andsateatingnutsanddrinkingbythefire。
Notaseriouswordhadbeenspoken。YetClararealisedthatMorel，waswithdrawingfromthecircle，leavinghertheoptiontostay，withherhusband。Itangeredher。Hewasameanfellow，afterall，totakewhathewantedandthengiveherback。Shedid，notrememberthatsheherselfhadhadwhatshewanted，andreally，atthebottomofherheart，wishedtobegivenback。
Paulfeltcrumpledupandlonely。Hismotherhadreally，supportedhislife。Hehadlovedher;theytwohad，infact，facedtheworldtogether。Nowshewasgone，andforeverbehind，himwasthegapinlife，thetearintheveil，throughwhichhis，lifeseemedtodriftslowly，asifheweredrawntowardsdeath。
Hewantedsomeoneoftheirownfreeinitiativetohelphim。Thelesser，thingshebegantoletgofromhim，forfearofthisbigthing，thelapsetowardsdeath，followinginthewakeofhisbeloved。
Claracouldnotstandforhimtoholdonto。Shewantedhim，butnottounderstandhim。Hefeltshewantedthemanontop，nottherealhimthatwasintrouble。Thatwouldbetoomuchtrouble，toher;hedarednotgiveither。Shecouldnotcopewithhim。
Itmadehimashamed。So，secretlyashamedbecausehewasinsuch，amess，becausehisownholdonlifewassounsure，becausenobody，heldhim，feelingunsubstantial，shadowy，asifhedidnotcount，formuchinthisconcreteworld，hedrewhimselftogethersmaller，andsmaller。Hedidnotwanttodie;hewouldnotgivein。
Buthewasnotafraidofdeath。Ifnobodywouldhelp，hewouldgo，onalone。
Daweshadbeendriventotheextremityoflife，untilhe，wasafraid。Hecouldgotothebrinkofdeath，hecouldlieon，theedgeandlookin。Then，cowed，afraid，hehadtocrawlback，andlikeabeggartakewhatoffered。Therewasacertainnobility，init。AsClarasaw，heownedhimselfbeaten，andhewanted，tobetakenbackwhetherornot。Thatshecoulddoforhim。
Itwasthreeo’clock。
“Iamgoingbythefour-twenty，“saidPaulagaintoClara。
“Areyoucomingthenorlater？”
“Idon’tknow，“shesaid。
“I’mmeetingmyfatherinNottinghamatseven-fifteen，“
hesaid。
“Then，“sheanswered，“I’llcomelater。”
Dawesjerkedsuddenly，asifhehadbeenheldonastrain。
Helookedoutoverthesea，buthesawnothing。
“Thereareoneortwobooksinthecorner，“saidMorel。
“I’vedonewith’em。”
Ataboutfouro’clockhewent。
“Ishallseeyoubothlater，“hesaid，asheshookhands。
“Isupposeso，“saidDawes。”An’perhaps——oneday——Is’ll，beabletopayyoubackthemoneyas——“
“Ishallcomeforit，you’llsee，“laughedPaul。”Is’ll，beontherocksbeforeI’mverymucholder。”
“Ay——well——“saidDawes。
“Good-bye，“hesaidtoClara。
“Good-bye，“shesaid，givinghimherhand。Thensheglanced，athimforthelasttime，dumbandhumble。
Hewasgone。Dawesandhiswifesatdownagain。
“It’sanastydayfortravelling，“saidtheman。
“Yes，“sheanswered。
Theytalkedinadesultoryfashionuntilitgrewdark。
Thelandladybroughtinthetea。Dawesdrewuphischairtothe，tablewithoutbeinginvited，likeahusband。Thenhesathumbly，waitingforhiscup。Sheservedhimasshewould，likeawife，notconsultinghiswish。
Aftertea，asitdrewneartosixo’clock，hewenttothewindow。
Allwasdarkoutside。Theseawasroaring。
“It’srainingyet，“hesaid。
“Isit？”sheanswered。
“Youwon’tgoto-night，shallyou？”hesaid，hesitating。
Shedidnotanswer。Hewaited。
“Ishouldn’tgointhisrain，“hesaid。
“DoyouWANTmetostay？”sheasked。
Hishandasheheldthedarkcurtaintrembled。
“Yes，“hesaid。
Heremainedwithhisbacktoher。Sheroseandwentslowly，tohim。Heletgothecurtain，turned，hesitating，towardsher。
Shestoodwithherhandsbehindherback，lookingupathiminaheavy，inscrutablefashion。
“Doyouwantme，Baxter？”sheasked。
Hisvoicewashoarseasheanswered：
“Doyouwanttocomebacktome？”
Shemadeamoaningnoise，liftedherarms，andputthemround，hisneck，drawinghimtoher。Hehidhisfaceonhershoulder，holdingherclasped。
“Takemeback！”shewhispered，ecstatic。”Takemeback，takemeback！”Andsheputherfingersthroughhisfine，thindarkhair，asifshewereonlysemi-conscious。Hetightenedhisgrasponher。
“Doyouwantmeagain？”hemurmured，broken。
CHAPTERXV
DERELICT
CLARAwentwithherhusbandtoSheffield，andPaulscarcelysaw，heragain。WalterMorelseemedtohaveletallthetroublegooverhim，andtherehewas，crawlingaboutonthemudofit，justthesame。
Therewasscarcelyanybondbetweenfatherandson，savethateach，felthemustnotlettheothergoinanyactualwant。Asthere，wasnoonetokeeponthehome，andastheycouldneitherofthem，beartheemptinessofthehouse，PaultooklodgingsinNottingham，andMorelwenttolivewithafriendlyfamilyinBestwood。
Everythingseemedtohavegonesmashfortheyoungman。
Hecouldnotpaint。Thepicturehefinishedonthedayofhis，mother’sdeath——onethatsatisfiedhim——wasthelastthinghedid。
AtworktherewasnoClara。Whenhecamehomehecouldnottakeup，hisbrushesagain。Therewasnothingleft。
Sohewasalwaysinthetownatoneplaceoranother，drinking，knockingaboutwiththemenheknew。Itreallyweariedhim。
Hetalkedtobarmaids，toalmostanywoman，buttherewasthatdark，strainedlookinhiseyes，asifhewerehuntingsomething。
Everythingseemedsodifferent，sounreal。Thereseemed，noreasonwhypeopleshouldgoalongthestreet，andhouses，pileupinthedaylight。Thereseemednoreasonwhythese，thingsshouldoccupythespace，insteadofleavingitempty。
Hisfriendstalkedtohim：，heheardthesounds，andheanswered。
Butwhythereshouldbethenoiseofspeechhecouldnotunderstand。
Hewasmosthimselfwhenhewasalone，orworkinghardand，mechanicallyatthefactory。Inthelattercasetherewaspure，forgetfulness，whenhelapsedfromconsciousness。Butithadtocome，toanend。Ithurthimso，thatthingshadlosttheirreality。
Thefirstsnowdropscame。Hesawthetinydrop-pearlsamongthe，grey。Theywouldhavegivenhimtheliveliestemotionatonetime。
Nowtheywerethere，buttheydidnotseemtomeananything。In，afewmomentstheywouldceasetooccupythatplace，andjustthe，spacewouldbe，wheretheyhadbeen。Tall，brillianttram-cars，ranalongthestreetatnight。Itseemedalmostawonderthey，shouldtroubletorustlebackwardsandforwards。”Whytrouble，togotiltingdowntoTrentBridges？”heaskedofthebigtrams。
ItseemedtheyjustaswellmightNOTbeasbe。
Therealestthingwasthethickdarknessatnight。Thatseemed，tohimwholeandcomprehensibleandrestful。Hecouldleavehimself，toit。Suddenlyapieceofpaperstartednearhisfeetandblew，alongdownthepavement。Hestoodstill，rigid，withclenchedfists，aflameofagonygoingoverhim。Andhesawagainthesick-room，hismother，hereyes。Unconsciouslyhehadbeenwithher，inhercompany。Theswifthopofthepaperremindedhimshewasgone。
Buthehadbeenwithher。Hewantedeverythingtostandstill，sothathecouldbewithheragain。
Thedayspassed，theweeks。Buteverythingseemedtohavefused，goneintoaconglomeratedmass。Hecouldnottelloneday，fromanother，oneweekfromanother，hardlyoneplacefromanother。
Nothingwasdistinctordistinguishable。Oftenhelosthimself，foranhouratatime，couldnotrememberwhathehaddone。
Oneeveninghecamehomelatetohislodging。Thefirewas，burninglow;everybodywasinbed。Hethrewonsomemorecoal，glancedatthetable，anddecidedhewantednosupper。Thenhe，satdowninthearm-chair。Itwasperfectlystill。Hedidnot，knowanything，yethesawthedimsmokewaveringupthechimney。
Presentlytwomicecameout，cautiously，nibblingthefallencrumbs。
Hewatchedthemasitwerefromalongwayoff。Thechurchclock，strucktwo。Farawayhecouldhearthesharpclinkingofthetrucks，ontherailway。No，itwasnottheythatwerefaraway。Theywere，thereintheirplaces。Butwherewashehimself？
Thetimepassed。Thetwomice，careeringwildly，scamperedcheekily，overhisslippers。Hehadnotmovedamuscle。Hedidnotwant，tomove。Hewasnotthinkingofanything。Itwaseasierso。
Therewasnowrenchofknowinganything。Then，fromtimetotime，someotherconsciousness，workingmechanically，flashedinto，sharpphrases。
“WhatamIdoing？”
Andoutofthesemi-intoxicatedtrancecametheanswer：
“Destroyingmyself。”
Thenadull，livefeeling，goneinaninstant，toldhimthatit，waswrong。Afterawhile，suddenlycamethequestion：
“Whywrong？”
Againtherewasnoanswer，butastrokeofhotstubbornness，insidehischestresistedhisownannihilation。
Therewasasoundofaheavycartclankingdowntheroad。
Suddenlytheelectriclightwentout;therewasabruisingthud，inthepenny-in-the-slotmeter。Hedidnotstir，butsatgazing，infrontofhim。Onlythemicehadscuttled，andthefireglowedred，inthedarkroom。
Then，quitemechanicallyandmoredistinctly，theconversation，beganagaininsidehim。
“She’sdead。Whatwasitallfor——herstruggle？”
Thatwashisdespairwantingtogoafterher。
“You’realive。”
“She’snot。”
“Sheis——inyou。”
Suddenlyhefelttiredwiththeburdenofit。
“You’vegottokeepaliveforhersake，“saidhiswillinhim。
Somethingfeltsulky，asifitwouldnotrouse。
“You’vegottocarryforwardherliving，andwhatshehaddone，goonwithit。”
Buthedidnotwantto。Hewantedtogiveup。
“Butyoucangoonwithyourpainting，“saidthewillinhim。
“Orelseyoucanbegetchildren。Theybothcarryonhereffort。”
“Paintingisnotliving。”
“Thenlive。”
“Marrywhom？”camethesulkyquestion。
“Asbestyoucan。”
“Miriam？”
Buthedidnottrustthat。
Herosesuddenly，wentstraighttobed。Whenhegotinside，hisbedroomandclosedthedoor，hestoodwithclenchedfist。
“Mater，mydear——“hebegan，withthewholeforceofhissoul。
Thenhestopped。Hewouldnotsayit。Hewouldnotadmitthathe，wantedtodie，tohavedone。Hewouldnotownthatlife，hadbeatenhim，orthatdeathhadbeatenhim。Goingstraighttobed，hesleptatonce，abandoninghimselftothesleep。
Sotheweekswenton。Alwaysalone，hissouloscillated，firstonthesideofdeath，thenonthesideoflife，doggedly。
Therealagonywasthathehadnowheretogo，nothingtodo，nothingtosay，andWASnothinghimself。Sometimesherandown，thestreetsasifheweremad：，sometimeshewasmad;thingsweren’t，there，thingswerethere。Itmadehimpant。Sometimeshestood，beforethebarofthepublic-housewherehecalledforadrink。
Everythingsuddenlystoodbackawayfromhim。Hesawtheface，ofthebarmaid，thegobblingdrinkers，hisownglassontheslopped，mahoganyboard，inthedistance。Therewassomethingbetweenhim，andthem。Hecouldnotgetintotouch。Hedidnotwantthem;
hedidnotwanthisdrink。Turningabruptly，hewentout。
Onthethresholdhestoodandlookedatthelightedstreet。
Buthewasnotofitorinit。Somethingseparatedhim。
Everythingwentontherebelowthoselamps，shutawayfromhim。
Hecouldnotgetatthem。Hefelthecouldn’ttouchthelamp-posts，notifhereached。Wherecouldhego？，Therewasnowheretogo，neitherbackintotheinn，orforwardanywhere。Hefeltstifled。
Therewasnowhereforhim。Thestressgrewinsidehim;hefelthe，shouldsmash。
“Imustn’t，“hesaid;and，turningblindly，hewentinanddrank。
Sometimesthedrinkdidhimgood;sometimesitmadehimworse。
Herandowntheroad。Foreverrestless，hewenthere，there，everywhere。Hedeterminedtowork。Butwhenhehadmadesixstrokes，heloathedthepencilviolently，gotup，andwentaway，hurriedoff，toaclubwherehecouldplaycardsorbilliards，toaplacewherehe，couldflirtwithabarmaidwhowasnomoretohimthanthebrass，pump-handleshedrew。
Hewasverythinandlantern-jawed。Hedarednotmeethis，owneyesinthemirror;heneverlookedathimself。Hewanted，togetawayfromhimself，buttherewasnothingtogetholdof。
IndespairhethoughtofMiriam。Perhaps——perhaps——？
Then，happeningtogointotheUnitarianChurchoneSundayevening，whentheystooduptosingthesecondhymnhesawherbeforehim。
Thelightglistenedonherlowerlipasshesang。Shelooked，asifshehadgotsomething，atanyrate：，somehopeinheaven，ifnotinearth。Hercomfortandherlifeseemedintheafter-world。
Awarm，strongfeelingforhercameup。Sheseemed，toyearn，asshesang，forthemysteryandcomfort。
Heputhishopeinher。Helongedforthesermontobeover，tospeaktoher。
Thethrongcarriedheroutjustbeforehim。Hecouldnearly，touchher。Shedidnotknowhewasthere。Hesawthebrown，humblenapeofherneckunderitsblackcurls。Hewouldleave，himselftoher。Shewasbetterandbiggerthanhe。Hewoulddepend，onher。
Shewentwandering，inherblindway，throughthelittlethrongs，ofpeopleoutsidethechurch。Shealwayslookedsolostandoutof，placeamongpeople。Hewentforwardandputhishandonherarm。
Shestartedviolently。Hergreatbrowneyesdilatedinfear，thenwentquestioningatthesightofhim。Heshrankslightly，fromher。
“Ididn’tknow——“shefaltered。
“NorI，“hesaid。
Helookedaway。Hissudden，flaringhopesankagain。
“Whatareyoudoingintown？”heasked。
“I’mstayingatCousinAnne’s。”
“Ha！，Forlong？”
“No;onlytillto-morrow。”
“Mustyougostraighthome？”
Shelookedathim，thenhidherfaceunderherhat-brim。
“No，“shesaid——“no;it’snotnecessary。”
Heturnedaway，andshewentwithhim。Theythreaded，throughthethrongofchurchpeople。Theorganwasstillsounding，inSt。Mary’s。Darkfigurescamethroughthelighteddoors;
peoplewerecomingdownthesteps。Thelargecolouredwindowsglowed，upinthenight。Thechurchwaslikeagreatlanternsuspended。
TheywentdownHollowStone，andhetookthecarfortheBridges。
“Youwilljusthavesupperwithme，“hesaid：，“thenI’ll，bringyouback。”
“Verywell，“shereplied，lowandhusky。
Theyscarcelyspokewhiletheywereonthecar。TheTrent，randarkandfullunderthebridge。AwaytowardsColwickallwas，blacknight。HeliveddownHolmeRoad，onthenakededgeofthetown，facingacrosstherivermeadowstowardsSneintonHermitageandthe，steepscrapofColwickWood。Thefloodswereout。Thesilent，waterandthedarknessspreadawayontheirleft。Almostafraid，theyhurriedalongbythehouses。
Supperwaslaid。Heswungthecurtainoverthewindow。
Therewasabowloffreesiasandscarletanemonesonthetable。
Shebenttothem。Stilltouchingthemwithherfinger-tips，shelooked，upathim，saying：
“Aren’ttheybeautiful？”
“Yes，“hesaid。”Whatwillyoudrink——coffee？”
“Ishouldlikeit，“shesaid。
“Thenexcusemeamoment。”
Hewentouttothekitchen。
Miriamtookoffherthingsandlookedround。Itwasabare，severeroom。Herphoto，Clara’s，Annie’s，wereonthewall。
Shelookedonthedrawing-boardtoseewhathewasdoing。
Therewereonlyafewmeaninglesslines。Shelookedtosee，whatbookshewasreading。Evidentlyjustanordinarynovel。
ThelettersintherackshesawwerefromAnnie，Arthur，andfrom，somemanorothershedidnotknow。Everythinghehadtouched，everythingthatwasintheleastpersonaltohim，sheexamined，withlingeringabsorption。Hehadbeengonefromherforsolong，shewantedtorediscoverhim，hisposition，whathewasnow。
Buttherewasnotmuchintheroomtohelpher。Itonlymadeherfeel，rathersad，itwassohardandcomfortless。
Shewascuriouslyexaminingasketch-bookwhenhereturned，withthecoffee。
“There’snothingnewinit，“hesaid，“andnothing，veryinteresting。”
Heputdownthetray，andwenttolookoverhershoulder。
Sheturnedthepagesslowly，intentonexaminingeverything。
“H’m！”hesaid，asshepausedatasketch。”I’dforgottenthat。
It’snotbad，isit？”
“No，“shesaid。”Idon’tquiteunderstandit。”
Hetookthebookfromherandwentthroughit。Againhemade，acurioussoundofsurpriseandpleasure。
“There’ssomenotbadstuffinthere，“hesaid。
“Notatallbad，“sheansweredgravely。
Hefeltagainherinterestinhiswork。Orwasitforhimself？
Whywasshealwaysmostinterestedinhimasheappearedinhiswork？
Theysatdowntosupper。
“Bytheway，“hesaid，“didn’tIhearsomethingaboutyour，earningyourownliving？”
“Yes，“shereplied，bowingherdarkheadoverhercup。
“Andwhatofit？”
“I’mmerelygoingtothefarmingcollegeatBroughtonfor，threemonths，andIshallprobablybekeptonasateacherthere。”
“Isay——thatsoundsallrightforyou！，Youalwayswanted，tobeindependent。”
“Yes。
“Whydidn’tyoutellme？”
“Ionlyknewlastweek。”
“ButIheardamonthago，“hesaid。
“Yes;butnothingwassettledthen。”
“Ishouldhavethought，“hesaid，“you’dhavetoldmeyou，weretrying。”
Sheateherfoodinthedeliberate，constrainedway，almostasifsherecoiledalittlefromdoinganythingsopublicly，thatheknewsowell。
“Isupposeyou’reglad，“hesaid。
“Veryglad。”
“Yes——itwillbesomething。”
Hewasratherdisappointed。
“Ithinkitwillbeagreatdeal，“shesaid，almosthaughtily，resentfully。
Helaughedshortly。
“Whydoyouthinkitwon’t？”sheasked。
“Oh，Idon’tthinkitwon’tbeagreatdeal。Onlyyou’llfind，earningyourownlivingisn’teverything。”
“No，“shesaid，swallowingwithdifficulty;“Idon’tsuppose，itis。”
“IsupposeworkCANbenearlyeverythingtoaman，“hesaid，“thoughitisn’ttome。Butawomanonlyworkswithapartof，herself。Therealandvitalpartiscoveredup。”
“ButamancangiveALLhimselftowork？”sheasked。
“Yes，practically。”
“Andawomanonlytheunimportantpartofherself？”
“That’sit。”
Shelookedupathim，andhereyesdilatedwithanger。
“Then，“shesaid，“ifit’strue，it’sagreatshame。”
“Itis。ButIdon’tknoweverything，“heanswered。
Aftersuppertheydrewuptothefire。Heswunghera，chairfacinghim，andtheysatdown。Shewaswearingadress，ofdarkclaretcolour，thatsuitedherdarkcomplexionandher，largefeatures。Still，thecurlswerefineandfree，butherface，wasmucholder，thebrownthroatmuchthinner。Sheseemedold，tohim，olderthanClara。Herbloomofyouthhadquicklygone。
Asortofstiffness，almostofwoodenness，hadcomeuponher。
Shemeditatedalittlewhile，thenlookedathim。
“Andhowarethingswithyou？”sheasked。
“Aboutallright，“heanswered。
Shelookedathim，waiting。
“Nay，“shesaid，verylow。
Herbrown，nervoushandswereclaspedoverherknee。Theyhad，stillthelackofconfidenceorrepose，thealmosthystericallook。
Hewincedashesawthem。Thenhelaughedmirthlessly。Sheput，herfingersbetweenherlips。Hisslim，black，torturedbodylay，quitestillinthechair。Shesuddenlytookherfingerfromher，mouthandlookedathim。
“AndyouhavebrokenoffwithClara？”
“Yes。”
Hisbodylaylikeanabandonedthing，strewninthechair。
“Youknow，“shesaid，“Ithinkweoughttobemarried。”
Heopenedhiseyesforthefirsttimesincemanymonths，andattendedtoherwithrespect。
“Why？”hesaid。
“See，“shesaid，“howyouwasteyourself！，Youmightbeill，youmightdie，andIneverknow——benomorethenthanifIhadnever，knownyou。”
“Andifwemarried？”heasked。
“Atanyrate，Icouldpreventyouwastingyourselfandbeing，apreytootherwomen——like——likeClara。”
“Aprey？”herepeated，smiling。
Shebowedherheadinsilence。Helayfeelinghisdespair，comeupagain。
“I’mnotsure，“hesaidslowly，“thatmarriagewouldbemuchgood。”
“Ionlythinkofyou，“shereplied。
“Iknowyoudo。But——youlovemesomuch，youwanttoputme，inyourpocket。AndIshoulddietheresmothered。”
Shebentherhead，putherfingersbetweenherlips，whilethebitternesssurgedupinherheart。
“Andwhatwillyoudootherwise？”sheasked。
“Idon’tknow——goon，Isuppose。PerhapsIshallsoongoabroad。”
Thedespairingdoggednessinhistonemadehergoonher，kneesontherugbeforethefire，veryneartohim。Thereshe，crouchedasifshewerecrushedbysomething，andcouldnotraise，herhead。Hishandslayquiteinertonthearmsofhischair。
Shewasawareofthem。Shefeltthatnowhelayathermercy。
Ifshecouldrise，takehim，putherarmsroundhim，andsay，“Youaremine，“thenhewouldleavehimselftoher。Butdareshe？
Shecouldeasilysacrificeherself。Butdaresheassertherself？
Shewasawareofhisdark-clothed，slenderbody，thatseemed，onestrokeoflife，sprawledinthechairclosetoher。Butno;
shedarednotputherarmsroundit，takeitup，andsay，“Itismine，thisbody。Leaveittome。”，Andshewantedto。Itcalledtoallher，woman’sinstinct。Butshecrouched，anddarednot。Shewasafraid，hewouldnotlether。Shewasafraiditwastoomuch。Itlaythere，hisbody，abandoned。Sheknewsheoughttotakeitupandclaimit，andclaimeveryrighttoit。But——couldshedoit？，Herimpotence，beforehim，beforethestrongdemandofsomeunknownthinginhim，washerextremity。Herhandsfluttered;shehalf-liftedherhead。
Hereyes，shuddering，appealing，gone，almostdistracted，pleadedto，himsuddenly。Hisheartcaughtwithpity。Hetookherhands，drewher，tohim，andcomfortedher。
“Willyouhaveme，tomarryme？”hesaidverylow。
Oh，whydidnothetakeher？，Herverysoulbelongedtohim。
Whywouldhenottakewhatwashis？，Shehadbornesolong，thecrueltyofbelongingtohimandnotbeingclaimedbyhim。
Nowhewasstrainingheragain。Itwastoomuchforher。
Shedrewbackherhead，heldhisfacebetweenherhands，andlooked，himintheeyes。No，hewashard。Hewantedsomethingelse。
Shepleadedtohimwithallherlovenottomakeitherchoice。
Shecouldnotcopewithit，withhim，sheknewnotwithwhat。Butit，strainedhertillshefeltshewouldbreak。
“Doyouwantit？”sheasked，verygravely。
“Notmuch，“hereplied，withpain。
Sheturnedherfaceaside;then，raisingherselfwithdignity，shetookhisheadtoherbosom，androckedhimsoftly。Shewas，nottohavehim，then！，Soshecouldcomforthim。Sheputher，fingersthroughhishair。Forher，theanguishedsweetnessof，self-sacrifice。Forhim，thehateandmiseryofanotherfailure。
Hecouldnotbearit——thatbreastwhichwaswarmandwhichcradled，himwithouttakingtheburdenofhim。Somuchhewantedtorest，onherthatthefeintofrestonlytorturedhim。Hedrewaway。
“Andwithoutmarriagewecandonothing？”heasked。
Hismouthwasliftedfromhisteethwithpain。Sheputher，littlefingerbetweenherlips。
“No，“shesaid，lowandlikethetollofabell。”No，Ithinknot。”
Itwastheendthenbetweenthem。Shecouldnottakehim，andrelievehimoftheresponsibilityofhimself。Shecouldonly，sacrificeherselftohim——sacrificeherselfeveryday，gladly。
Andthathedidnotwant。Hewantedhertoholdhimandsay，withjoyandauthority：，“Stopallthisrestlessnessandbeating，againstdeath。Youaremineforamate。”，Shehadnotthestrength。
Orwasitamateshewanted？ordidshewantaChristinhim？
Hefelt，inleavingher，hewasdefraudingheroflife。
Butheknewthat，instaying，stillingtheinner，desperateman，hewasdenyinghisownlife。Andhedidnothopetogivelifetoher，bydenyinghisown。
Shesatveryquiet。Helitacigarette。Thesmoke，wentupfromit，wavering。Hewasthinkingofhismother，andhadforgottenMiriam。Shesuddenlylookedathim。
Herbitternesscamesurgingup。Hersacrifice，then，wasuseless。
Helaytherealoof，carelessabouther。Suddenlyshesaw，againhislackofreligion，hisrestlessinstability。Hewould，destroyhimselflikeaperversechild。Well，then，hewould！
“IthinkImustgo，“shesaidsoftly。
Byhertoneheknewshewasdespisinghim。Herosequietly。
“I’llcomealongwithyou，“heanswered。
Shestoodbeforethemirrorpinningonherhat。Howbitter，howunutterablybitter，itmadeherthatherejectedhersacrifice！
Lifeaheadlookeddead，asiftheglowweregoneout。Shebowed，herfaceovertheflowers——thefreesiassosweetandspring-like，thescarletanemonesflauntingoverthetable。Itwaslikehim，tohavethoseflowers。
Hemovedabouttheroomwithacertainsurenessoftouch，swiftandrelentlessandquiet。Sheknewshecouldnotcopewithhim。
Hewouldescapelikeaweaseloutofherhands。Yetwithouthimher，lifewouldtrailonlifeless。Brooding，shetouchedtheflowers。
“Havethem！”hesaid;andhetookthemoutofthejar，drippingastheywere，andwentquicklyintothekitchen。
Shewaitedforhim，tooktheflowers，andtheywentouttogether，hetalking，shefeelingdead。
Shewasgoingfromhimnow。Inhermiserysheleanedagainsthim，astheysatonthecar。Hewasunresponsive。Wherewouldhego？
Whatwouldbetheendofhim？，Shecouldnotbearit，thevacant，feelingwhereheshouldbe。Hewassofoolish，sowasteful，neveratpeacewithhimself。Andnowwherewouldhego？
Andwhatdidhecarethathewastedher？，Hehadnoreligion;
itwasallforthemoment’sattractionthathecared，nothingelse，nothingdeeper。Well，shewouldwaitandseehowitturned，outwithhim。Whenhehadhadenoughhewouldgiveinandcome，toher。
Heshookhandsandleftheratthedoorofhercousin’shouse。
Whenheturnedawayhefeltthelastholdforhimhadgone。Thetown，ashesatuponthecar，stretchedawayoverthebayofrailway，a，levelfumeoflights。Beyondthetownthecountry，littlesmouldering，spotsformoretowns——thesea——thenight——onandon！，Andhehadno，placeinit！，Whateverspothestoodon，therehestoodalone。
Fromhisbreast，fromhismouth，sprangtheendlessspace，andit，wastherebehindhim，everywhere。Thepeoplehurryingalongthe，streetsofferednoobstructiontothevoidinwhichhefoundhimself。
Theyweresmallshadowswhosefootstepsandvoicescouldbeheard，butineachofthemthesamenight，thesamesilence。Hegotoff，thecar。Inthecountryallwasdeadstill。Littlestarsshonehighup;
littlestarsspreadfarawayintheflood-waters，afirmamentbelow。
Everywherethevastnessandterroroftheimmensenightwhichis，rousedandstirredforabriefwhilebytheday，butwhichreturns，andwillremainatlasteternal，holdingeverythinginitssilence，anditslivinggloom。TherewasnoTime，onlySpace。Whocouldsay，hismotherhadlivedanddidnotlive？，Shehadbeeninoneplace，andwasinanother;thatwasall。Andhissoulcouldnotleaveher，wherevershewas。Nowshewasgoneabroadintothenight，andhe，waswithherstill。Theyweretogether。Butyettherewashisbody，hischest，thatleanedagainstthestile，hishandsonthewoodenbar。
Theyseemedsomething。Wherewashe？——onetinyuprightspeckofflesh，lessthananearofwheatlostinthefield。Hecouldnotbearit。
Oneverysidetheimmensedarksilenceseemedpressinghim，sotiny，aspark，intoextinction，andyet，almostnothing，hecouldnot，beextinct。Night，inwhicheverythingwaslost，wentreachingout，beyondstarsandsun。Starsandsun，afewbrightgrains，wentspinning，roundforterror，andholdingeachotherinembrace，thereina，darknessthatoutpassedthemall，andleftthemtinyanddaunted。
Somuch，andhimself，infinitesimal，atthecoreanothingness，andyetnotnothing。
“Mother！”hewhispered——“mother！”
Shewastheonlythingthatheldhimup，himself，amidallthis。
Andshewasgone，intermingledherself。Hewantedhertotouchhim，havehimalongsidewithher。
Butno，hewouldnotgivein。Turningsharply，hewalked，towardsthecity’sgoldphosphorescence。Hisfistswereshut，hismouthsetfast。Hewouldnottakethatdirection，tothe，darkness，tofollowher。Hewalkedtowardsthefaintlyhumming，glowingtown，quickly。
THEEND