第13章
AndhowsorryIwasforhimsometimes!Hewouldsitinacornerandlookatme,Iusedtofeelsosorryforhim,Iusedtowanttobekindtohimandthenwouldthinktomyself："bekindtohimandhewilldrinkagain,"itwasonlybyseveritythatyoucouldkeephimwithinbounds。“
“Yes,heusedtogethishairpulledprettyoften,“roaredthecommissariatclerkagain,swallowinganotherglassofvodka。
“Somefoolswouldbethebetterforagooddrubbing,aswellashavingtheirhairpulled。Iamnottalkingofmylatehusbandnow！”
KaterinaIvanovnasnappedathim。
Theflushonhercheeksgrewmoreandmoremarked,herchestheaved。
Inanotherminuteshewouldhavebeenreadytomakeascene。Manyofthevisitorsweresniggering,evidentlydelighted。Theybeganpokingthecommissariatclerkandwhisperingsomethingtohim。Theywereevidentlytryingtoegghimon。
“Allowmetoaskwhatareyoualludingto,“begantheclerk,“thatistosay,whose……aboutwhom……didyousayjustnow……ButI
don"tcare!That"snonsense!Widow!Iforgiveyou……Pass！”
Andhetookanotherdrinkofvodka。
Raskolnikovsatinsilence,listeningwithdisgust。Heonlyatefrompoliteness,justtastingthefoodthatKaterinaIvanovnawascontinuallyputtingonhisplate,toavoidhurtingherfeelings。HewatchedSoniaintently。ButSoniabecamemoreandmoreanxiousanddistressed;she,too,foresawthatthedinnerwouldnotendpeaceably,andsawwithterrorKaterinaIvanovna"sgrowingirritation。Sheknewthatshe,Sonia,wasthechiefreasonforthe"genteel"ladies"
contemptuoustreatmentofKaterinaIvanovna"sinvitation。ShehadheardfromAmaliaIvanovnathatthemotherwaspositivelyoffendedattheinvitationandhadaskedthequestion：“howcouldsheletherdaughtersitdownbesidethatyoungperson？”SoniahadafeelingthatKaterinaIvanovnahadalreadyheardthisandaninsulttoSoniameantmoretoKaterinaIvanovnathananinsulttoherself,herchildren,orherfather,SoniaknewthatKaterinaIvanovnawouldnotbesatisfiednow,“tillshehadshownthosedraggletailsthattheywereboth……“TomakemattersworsesomeonepassedSonia,fromtheotherendofthetable,aplatewithtwoheartspiercedwithanarrow,cutoutofblackbread。KaterinaIvanovnaflushedcrimsonandatoncesaidaloudacrossthetablethatthemanwhosentitwas“adrunkenass！”
AmaliaIvanovnawasforeseeingsomethingamiss,andatthesametimedeeplywoundedbyKaterinaIvanovna"shaughtiness,andtorestorethegood-humourofthecompanyandraiseherselfintheiresteemshebegan,aproposofnothing,tellingastoryaboutanacquaintanceofhers“Karlfromthechemist"s,“whowasdrivingonenightinacab,andthat“thecabmanwantedhimtokill,andKarlverymuchbeggedhimnottokill,andweptandclaspedhands,andfrightenedandfromfearpiercedhisheart。“ThoughKaterinaIvanovnasmiled,sheobservedatoncethatAmaliaIvanovnaoughtnottotellanecdotesinRussian;
thelatterwasstillmoreoffended,andsheretortedthather“VaterausBerlinwasaveryimportantman,andalwayswentwithhishandsinpockets。“KaterinaIvanovnacouldnotrestrainherselfandlaughedsomuchthatAmaliaIvanovnalostpatienceandcouldscarcelycontrolherself。
“Listentotheowl！”KaterinaIvanovnawhisperedatonce,hergood-humouralmostrestored,“shemeanttosayhekepthishandsinhispockets,butshesaidheputhishandsinpeople"spockets。
(Cough-cough。)Andhaveyounoticed,RodionRomanovitch,thatallthesePetersburgforeigners,theGermansespecially,areallstupiderthanwe!Canyoufancyanyoneofustellinghow"Karlfromthechemist"spiercedhisheartfromfear"andthattheidiotinsteadofpunishingthecabman,"claspedhishandsandwept,andmuchbegged。"Ah,thefool!Andyouknowshefanciesit"sverytouchinganddoesnotsuspecthowstupidsheis!Tomythinkingthatdrunkencommissariatclerkisagreatdealcleverer,anywayonecanseethathehasaddledhisbrainswithdrink,butyouknow,theseforeignersarealwayssowellbehavedandserious……Lookhowshesitsglaring!Sheisangry,ha-ha!(Cough-cough-cough。)“
Regaininghergood-humour,KaterinaIvanovnabeganatoncetellingRaskolnikovthatwhenshehadobtainedherpension,sheintendedtoopenaschoolforthedaughtersofgentlemeninhernativetownT___。Thiswasthefirsttimeshehadspokentohimoftheproject,andshelaunchedoutintothemostalluringdetails。ItsuddenlyappearedthatKaterinaIvanovnahadinherhandstheverycertificateofhonourofwhichMarmeladovhadspokentoRaskolnikovinthetavern,whenhetoldhimthatKaterinaIvanovna,hiswife,haddancedtheshawldancebeforethegovernorandothergreatpersonagesonleavingschool。ThiscertificateofhonourwasobviouslyintendednowtoproveKaterinaIvanovna"srighttoopenaboarding-school;butshehadarmedherselfwithitchieflywiththeobjectofoverwhelming“thosetwostuck-updraggletails“iftheycametothedinner,andprovingincontestablythatKaterinaIvanovnawasofthemostnoble,“shemightevensayaristocraticfamily,acolonel"sdaughterandwasfarsuperiortocertainadventuresseswhohavebeensomuchtotheforeoflate。“Thecertificateofhonourimmediatelypassedintothehandsofthedrunkenguests,andKaterinaIvanovnadidnottrytoretainit,foritactuallycontainedthestatemententouteslettres,thatherfatherwasoftherankofamajor,andalsoacompanionofanorder,sothatshereallywasalmostthedaughterofacolonel。
Warmingup,KaterinaIvanovnaproceededtoenlargeonthepeacefulandhappylifetheywouldleadinT___,onthegymnasiumteacherswhomshewouldengagetogivelessonsinherboarding-school,oneamostrespectableoldFrenchman,oneMangot,whohadtaughtKaterinaIvanovnaherselfinolddaysandwasstilllivinginT___,andwouldnodoubtteachinherschoolonmoderateterms。NextshespokeofSoniawhowouldgowithhertoT___andhelpherinallherplans。
Atthissomeoneatthefurtherendofthetablegaveasuddenguffaw。
ThoughKaterinaIvanovnatriedtoappeartobedisdainfullyunawareofit,sheraisedhervoiceandbeganatoncespeakingwithconvictionofSonia"sundoubtedabilitytoassisther,of“hergentleness,patience,devotion,generosityandgoodeducation,“
tappingSoniaonthecheekandkissingherwarmlytwice。Soniaflushedcrimson,andKaterinaIvanovnasuddenlyburstintotears,immediatelyobservingthatshewas“nervousandsilly,thatshewastoomuchupset,thatitwastimetofinish,andasthedinnerwasover,itwastimetohandroundthetea。“
Atthatmoment,AmaliaIvanovna,deeplyaggrievedattakingnopartintheconversation,andnotbeinglistenedto,madeonelasteffort,andwithsecretmisgivingsventuredonanexceedinglydeepandweightyobservation,that“inthefutureboarding-schoolshewouldhavetopayparticularattentiontodieWasche,andthattherecertainlymustbeagoodDametolookafterthelinen,andsecondlythattheyoungladiesmustnotnovelsatnightread。“
KaterinaIvanovna,whocertainlywasupsetandverytired,aswellasheartilysickofthedinner,atoncecutshortAmaliaIvanovna,saying“sheknewnothingaboutitandwastalkingnonsense,thatitwasthebusinessofthelaundrymaid,andnotofthedirectressofahigh-classboarding-schooltolookafterdieWasche,andasfornovelreading,thatwassimplyrudeness,andshebeggedhertobesilent。“AmaliaIvanovnafiredupandgettingangryobservedthatsheonly“meanthergood,“andthat“shehadmeantherverygood,“andthat“itwaslongsinceshehadpaidherGoldforthelodgings。“
KaterinaIvanovnaatonce“setherdown,“sayingthatitwasalietosayshewishedhergood,becauseonlyyesterdaywhenherdeadhusbandwaslyingonthetable,shehadworriedheraboutthelodgings。TothisAmaliaIvanovnaveryappropriatelyobservedthatshehadinvitedthoseladies,but“thoseladieshadnotcome,becausethoseladiesareladiesandcannotcometoaladywhoisnotalady。“KaterinaIvanovnaatoncepointedouttoher,thatasshewasaslutshecouldnotjudgewhatmadeonereallyalady。AmaliaIvanovnaatoncedeclaredthather“VaterausBerlinwasavery,veryimportantman,andbothhandsinpocketswent,andalwaysusedtosay：poof!poof！”andsheleaptupfromthetabletorepresentherfather,stickingherhandsinherpockets,puffinghercheeks,andutteringvaguesoundsresembling“poof!poof！”amidloudlaughterfromallthelodgers,whopurposelyencouragedAmaliaIvanovna,hopingforafight。
ButthiswastoomuchforKaterinaIvanovna,andsheatoncedeclared,sothatallcouldhear,thatAmaliaIvanovnaprobablyneverhadafather,butwassimplyadrunkenPetersburgFinn,andhadcertainlyoncebeenacookandprobablysomethingworse。AmaliaIvanovnaturnedasredasalobsterandsquealedthatperhapsKaterinaIvanovnaneverhadafather,“butshehadavaterausBerlinandthatheworealongcoatandalwayssaidpoof-poof-poof！”
KaterinaIvanovnaobservedcontemptuouslythatallknewwhatherfamilywasandthatonthatverycertificateofhonouritwasstatedinprintthatherfatherwasacolonel,whileAmaliaIvanovna"sfather-ifshereallyhadone-wasprobablysomeFinnishmilkman,butthatprobablysheneverhadafatheratall,sinceitwasstilluncertainwhetherhernamewasAmaliaIvanovnaorAmaliaLudwigovna。
AtthisAmaliaIvanovna,lashedtofury,struckthetablewithherfist,andshriekedthatshewasAmaliaIvanovna,andnotLudwigovna,“thatherVaterwasnamedJohannandthathewasaburgomeister,andthatKaterinaIvanovna"sVaterwasquiteneveraburgomeister。“
KaterinaIvanovnarosefromherchair,andwithasternandapparentlycalmvoice(thoughshewaspaleandherchestwasheaving)observedthat“ifshedaredforonemomenttosethercontemptiblewretchofafatheronalevelwithherpapa,she,KaterinaIvanovna,wouldtearhercapoffherheadandtrampleitunderfoot。“AmaliaIvanovnaranabouttheroom,shoutingatthetopofhervoice,thatshewasmistressofthehouseandthatKaterinaIvanovnashouldleavethelodgingsthatminute;thensherushedforsomereasontocollectthesilverspoonsfromthetable。Therewasagreatoutcryanduproar,thechildrenbegancrying。SoniarantorestrainKaterinaIvanovna,butwhenAmaliaIvanovnashoutedsomethingabout“theyellowticket,“KaterinaIvanovnapushedSoniaaway,andrushedatthelandladytocarryoutherthreat。
Atthatminutethedooropened,andPyotrPetrovitchLuzhinappearedonthethreshold。Hestoodscanningthepartywithsevereandvigilanteyes。KaterinaIvanovnarushedtohim。
ChapterThree“PYOTRPETROVITCH,“shecried,“protectme……youatleast!Makethisfoolishwomanunderstandthatshecan"tbehavelikethistoaladyinmisfortune……thatthereisalawforsuchthings……I"llgotothegovernor-generalhimself……Sheshallanswerforit……
Rememberingmyfather"shospitalityprotecttheseorphans。“
“Allowme,madam……Allowme。“PyotrPetrovitchwavedheroff。
“Yourpapa,asyouarewellaware,Ihadnotthehonourofknowing“
(someonelaughedaloud)“andIdonotintendtotakepartinyoureverlastingsquabbleswithAmaliaIvanovna……Ihavecomeheretospeakofmyownaffairs……andIwanttohaveawordwithyourstepdaughter,Sofya……Ivanovna,Ithinkitis?Allowmetopass。“
PyotrPetrovitch,edgingbyher,wenttotheoppositecornerwhereSoniawas。
KaterinaIvanovnaremainedstandingwhereshewas,asthoughthunderstruck。ShecouldnotunderstandhowPyotrPetrovitchcoulddenyhavingenjoyedherfather"shospitility。Thoughshehadinventeditherself,shebelievedinitfirmlybythistime。Shewasstrucktoobythebusinesslike,dryandevencontemptuouslymenacingtoneofPyotrPetrovitch。Alltheclamourgraduallydiedawayathisentrance。Notonlywasthis“seriousbusinessman“strikinglyincongruouswiththerestoftheparty,butitwasevident,too,thathehadcomeuponsomematterofconsequence,thatsomeexceptionalcausemusthavebroughthimandthatthereforesomethingwasgoingtohappen。Raskolnikov,standingbesideSonia,movedasidetolethimpass;PyotrPetrovitchdidnotseemtonoticehim。AminutelaterLebeziatnikov,too,appearedinthedoorway;hedidnotcomein,butstoodstill,listeningwithmarkedinterest,almostwonder,andseemedforatimeperplexed。
“Excusemeforpossiblyinterruptingyou,butit"samatterofsomeimportance,“PyotrPetrovitchobserved,addressingthecompanygenerally。“Iamgladindeedtofindotherpersonspresent。AmaliaIvanovna,IhumblybegyouasmistressofthehousetopaycarefulattentiontowhatIhavetosaytoSofyaIvanovna。SofyaIvanovna,“hewenton,addressingSonia,whowasverymuchsurprisedandalreadyalarmed,“immediatelyafteryourvisitIfoundthatahundred-roublenotewasmissingfrommytable,intheroomofmyfriendMr。
Lebeziatnikov。Ifinanywaywhateveryouknowandwilltelluswhereitisnow,Iassureyouonmywordofhonourandcallallpresenttowitnessthatthemattershallendthere。IntheoppositecaseIshallbecompelledtohaverecoursetoveryseriousmeasuresandthen……youmustblameyourself。“
Completesilencereignedintheroom。Eventhecryingchildrenwerestill。Soniastooddeadlypale,staringatLuzhinandunabletosayaword。Sheseemednottounderstand。Somesecondspassed。
“Well,howisittobethen？”askedLuzhin,lookingintentlyather。
“Idon"tknow……Iknownothingaboutit,“Soniaarticulatedfaintlyatlast。
“No,youknownothing？”Luzhinrepeatedandagainhepausedforsomeseconds。“Thinkamoment,mademoiselle,“hebeganseverely,butstill,asitwere,admonishingher。“Reflect,Iampreparedtogiveyoutimeforconsideration。Kindlyobservethis：ifIwerenotsoentirelyconvincedIshouldnot,youmaybesure,withmyexperienceventuretoaccuseyousodirectly。Seeingthatforsuchdirectaccusationbeforewitnesses,iffalseorevenmistaken,Ishouldmyselfinacertainsensebemaderesponsible,Iamawareofthat。ThismorningIchangedformyownpurposesseveralfivepercent。securitiesforthesumofapproximatelythreethousandroubles。Theaccountisnoteddowninmypocket-book。OnmyreturnhomeIproceededtocountthemoney,-asMr。Lebeziatnikovwillbearwitness-andaftercountingtwothousandthreehundredroublesIputtherestinmypocket-bookinmycoatpocket。Aboutfivehundredroublesremainedonthetableandamongthemthreenotesofahundredroubleseach。Atthatmomentyouentered(atmyinvitation)-andallthetimeyouwerepresentyouwereexceedinglyembarrassed;sothatthreetimesyoujumpedupinthemiddleoftheconversationandtriedtomakeoff。Mr。Lebeziatnikovcanbearwitnesstothis。Youyourself,mademoiselle,probablywillnotrefusetoconfirmmystatementthatIinvitedyouthroughMr。
Lebeziatnikov,solelyinordertodiscusswithyouthehopelessanddestitutepositionofyourrelative,KaterinaIvanovna(whosedinnerI
wasunabletoattend),andtheadvisabilityofgettingupsomethingofthenatureofasubscription,lotteryorthelike,forherbenefit。
Youthankedmeandevenshedtears。Idescribeallthisasittookplace,primarilytorecallittoyourmindandsecondlytoshowyouthatnottheslightestdetailhasescapedmyrecollection。ThenItookaten-roublenotefromthetableandhandedittoyoubywayoffirstinstalmentonmypartforthebenefitofyourrelative。Mr。
Lebeziatnikovsawallthis。ThenIaccompaniedyoutothedoor,-youbeingstillinthesamestateofembarrassment-afterwhich,beingleftalonewithMr。LebeziatnikovItalkedtohimfortenminutes,-
thenMr。LebeziatnikovwentoutandIreturnedtothetablewiththemoneylyingonit,intendingtocountitandtoputitaside,asI
proposeddoingbefore。Tomysurpriseonehundred-roublenotehaddisappeared。Kindlyconsidertheposition。Mr。LebeziatnikovI
cannotsuspect。Iamashamedtoalludetosuchasupposition。Icannothavemadeamistakeinmyreckoning,fortheminutebeforeyourentranceIhadfinishedmyaccountsandfoundthetotalcorrect。Youwilladmitthatrecollectingyourembarrassment,youreagernesstogetawayandthefactthatyoukeptyourhandsforsometimeonthetable,andtakingintoconsiderationyoursocialpositionandthehabitsassociatedwithit,Iwas,sotosay,withhorrorandpositivelyagainstmywill,compelledtoentertainasuspicion-acruel,butjustifiablesuspicion!Iwilladdfurtherandrepeatthatinspiteofmypositiveconviction,IrealisethatIrunacertainriskinmakingthisaccusation,butasyousee,Icouldnotletitpass。I
havetakenactionandIwilltellyouwhy：solely,madam,solely,owingtoyourblackingratitude!Why!Iinviteyouforthebenefitofyourdestituterelative,Ipresentyouwithmydonationoftenroublesandyou,onthespot,repaymeforallthatwithsuchanaction。Itistoobad!Youneedalesson。Reflect!Moreover,likeatruefriendIbegyou-andyoucouldhavenobetterfriendatthismoment-thinkwhatyouaredoing,otherwiseIshallbeimmovable!
Well,whatdoyousay？”
“Ihavetakennothing,“Soniawhisperedinterror,“yougavemetenroubles,hereitis,takeit。“
Soniapulledherhandkerchiefoutofherpocket,untiedacornerofit,tookoutthetenroublenoteandgaveittoLuzhin。
“Andthehundredroublesyoudonotconfesstotaking？”heinsistedreproachfully,nottakingthenote。
Sonialookedabouther。Allwerelookingatherwithsuchawful,stern,ironical,hostileeyes。ShelookedatRaskolnikov……hestoodagainstthewall,withhisarmscrossed,lookingatherwithglowingeyes。
“GoodGod！”brokefromSonia。
“AmaliaIvanovna,weshallhavetosendwordtothepoliceandthereforeIhumblybegyoumeanwhiletosendforthehouseporter,“
Luzhinsaidsoftlyandevenkindly。
“Gottderbarmherzige!Iknewshewasthethief,“criedAmaliaIvanovna,throwingupherhands。
“Youknewit？”Luzhincaughtherup,“thenIsupposeyouhadsomereasonbeforethisforthinkingso。Ibegyou,worthyAmaliaIvanovna,torememberyourwordswhichhavebeenutteredbeforewitnesses。“
Therewasabuzzofloudconversationonallsides。Allwereinmovement。
“What！”criedKaterinaIvanovna,suddenlyrealisingtheposition,andsherushedatLuzhin。“What!Youaccuseherofstealing?Sonia?
Ah,thewretches,thewretches！”
AndrunningtoSoniasheflungherwastedarmsroundherandheldherasinavise。
“Sonia!howdaredyoutaketenroublesfromhim?Foolishgirl!
Giveittome!Givemethetenroublesatonce-here!
AndsnatchingthenotefromSonia,KaterinaIvanovnacrumpleditupandflungitstraightintoLuzhin"sface。Ithithimintheeyeandfellontheground。AmaliaIvanovnahastenedtopickitup。PyotrPetrovitchlosthistemper。
“Holdthatmadwoman！”heshouted。
Atthatmomentseveralotherpersons,besidesLebeziatnikov,appearedinthedoorway,amongthemthetwoladies。
“What!Mad?AmImad?Idiot！”shriekedKaterinaIvanovna。“Youareanidiotyourself,pettifogginglawyer,baseman!Sonia,Soniatakehismoney!Soniaathief!Why,she"dgiveawayherlastpenny！”andKaterinaIvanovnabrokeintohystericallaughter。“Didyoueverseesuchanidiot？”sheturnedfromsidetoside。“Andyoutoo？”shesuddenlysawthelandlady,“andyoutoo,sausageeater,youdeclarethatsheisathief,youtrashyPrussianhen"sleginacrinoline!Shehasn"tbeenoutofthisroom：shecamestraightfromyou,youwretch,andsatdownbesideme,everyonesawher。Shesathere,byRodionRomanovitch。Searchher!Sinceshe"snotlefttheroom,themoneywouldhavetobeonher!Searchher,searchher!Butifyoudon"tfindit,thenexcuseme,mydearfellow,you"llanswerforit!
I"llgotoourSovereign,toourSovereign,toourgraciousTsarhimself,andthrowmyselfathisfeet,to-day,thisminute!Iamaloneintheworld!Theywouldletmein!Doyouthinktheywouldn"t?You"rewrong,Iwillgetin!Iwillgetin!Youreckonedonhermeekness!Yourelieduponthat!ButIamnotsosubmissive,letmetellyou!
You"vegonetoofaryourself。Searchher,searchher！”
AndKaterinaIvanovnainafrenzyshookLuzhinanddraggedhimtowardsSonia。
“Iamready,I"llberesponsible……butcalmyourself,madam,calmyourself。Iseethatyouarenotsosubmissive!……Well,well,butastothat……“Luzhinmuttered,“thatoughttobebeforethepolice……
thoughindeedtherearewitnessesenoughasitis……Iamready……
Butinanycaseit"sdifficultforaman……onaccountofhersex……ButwiththehelpofAmaliaIvanovna……though,ofcourse,it"snotthewaytodothings……Howisittobedone？”
“Asyouwill!Letanyonewholikessearchher！”criedKaterinaIvanovna。“Sonia,turnoutyourpockets!See。Look,monster,thepocketisempty,herewasherhandkerchief!Hereistheotherpocket,look!D"yousee,d"yousee？”
AndKaterinaIvanovnaturned-orrathersnatched-bothpocketsinsideout。ButfromtherightpocketapieceofpaperflewoutanddescribingaparabolaintheairfellatLuzhin"sfeet。Everyonesawit,severalcriedout。PyotrPetrovitchstoopeddown,pickedupthepaperintwofingers,lifteditwhereallcouldseeitandopenedit。Itwasahundred-roublenotefoldedineight。PyotrPetrovitchheldupthenoteshowingittoeveryone。
“Thief!Outofmylodging。Police,police！”yelledAmaliaIvanovna。“TheymusttoSiberiabesent!Away！”
Exclamationsaroseonallsides。Raskolnikovwassilent,keepinghiseyesfixedonSonia,exceptforanoccasionalrapidglanceatLuzhin。Soniastoodstill,asthoughunconscious。Shewashardlyabletofeelsurprise。Suddenlythecolourrushedtohercheeks;sheutteredacryandhidherfaceinherhands。
“No,itwasn"tI!Ididn"ttakeit!Iknownothingaboutit,“shecriedwithaheartrendingwail,andsherantoKaterinaIvanovna,whoclaspedhertightlyinherarms,asthoughshewouldshelterherfromalltheworld。
“Sonia!Sonia!Idon"tbelieveit!Yousee,Idon"tbelieveit！”shecriedinthefaceoftheobviousfact,swayinghertoandfroinherarmslikeababy,kissingherfacecontinually,thensnatchingatherhandsandkissingthem,too。“Youtookit!Howstupidthesepeopleare!Ohdear!Youarefools,fools,“shecried,addressingthewholeroom,“youdon"tknow,youdon"tknowwhataheartshehas,whatagirlsheis!Shetakeit,she?She"dsellherlastrag,she"dgobarefoottohelpyouifyouneededit,that"swhatsheis!Shehastheyellowpassportbecausemychildrenwerestarving,shesoldherselfforus!Ah,husband,husband!Doyousee?Doyousee?Whatamemorialdinnerforyou!Mercifulheavens!Defendher,whyareyouallstandingstill?RodionRomanovitch,whydon"tyoustandupforher?Doyoubelieveit,too?Youarenotworthherlittlefinger,allofyoutogether!GoodGod!Defendhernow,atleast！”
Thewailofthepoor,consumptive,helplesswomanseemedtoproduceagreateffectonheraudience。Theagonised,wasted,consumptiveface,theparchedblood-stainedlips,thehoarsevoice,thetearsunrestrainedasachild"s,thetrustful,childishandyetdespairingprayerforhelpweresopiteousthateveryoneseemedtofeelforher。PyotrPetrovitchatanyratewasatoncemovedtocompassion。
“Madam,madam,thisincidentdoesnotreflectuponyou！”hecriedimpressively,“noonewouldtakeuponhimselftoaccuseyouofbeinganinstigatororevenanaccompliceinit,especiallyasyouhaveprovedherguiltbyturningoutherpockets,showingthatyouhadnopreviousideaofit。Iammostready,mostreadytoshowcompassion,ifpoverty,sotospeak,droveSofyaSemyonovnatoit,butwhydidyourefusetoconfess,mademoiselle?Wereyouafraidofthedisgrace?
Thefirststep?Youlostyourhead,perhaps?Onecanquiteunderstandit……Buthowcouldyouhaveloweredyourselftosuchanaction?Gentlemen,“headdressedthewholecompany,“gentlemen!
Compassionateandsotosaycommiseratingthesepeople,Iamreadytooverlookitevennowinspiteofthepersonalinsultlavisheduponme!Andmaythisdisgracebealessontoyouforthefuture,“
hesaid,addressingSonia,“andIwillcarrythematternofurther。
Enough！”
PyotrPetrovitchstoleaglanceatRaskolnikov。Theireyesmet,andthefireinRaskolnikov"sseemedreadytoreducehimtoashes。
MeanwhileKaterinaIvanovnaapparentlyheardnothing。ShewaskissingandhuggingSonialikeamadwoman。Thechildren,too,wereembracingSoniaonallsides,andPolenka,-thoughshedidnotfullyunderstandwhatwaswrong,-wasdrownedintearsandshakingwithsobs,asshehidherprettylittleface,swollenwithweeping,onSonia"sshoulder。
“Howvile！”aloudvoicecriedsuddenlyinthedoorway。
PyotrPetrovitchlookedroundquickly。
“Whatvileness！”Lebeziatnikovrepeated,staringhimstraightintheface。
PyotrPetrovitchgaveapositivestart-allnoticeditandrecalleditafterwards。Lebeziatnikovstrodeintotheroom。
“Andyoudaredtocallmeaswitness？”hesaid,goinguptoPyotrPetrovitch。
“Whatdoyoumean?Whatareyoutalkingabout？”mutteredLuzhin。
“Imeanthatyou……areaslanderer,that"swhatmywordsmean！”
Lebeziatnikovsaidhotly,lookingsternlyathimwithhisshortsightedeyes。
Hewasextremelyangry。Raskolnikovgazedintentlyathim,asthoughseizingandweighingeachword。Againtherewasasilence。PyotrPetrovitchindeedseemedalmostdumbfoundedforthefirstmoment。
“Ifyoumeanthatforme,……“hebegan,stammering。“Butwhat"sthematterwithyou?Areyououtofyourmind？”
“I"minmymind,butyouareascoundrel!Ah,howvile!Ihaveheardeverything。Ikeptwaitingonpurposetounderstandit,forImustownevennowitisnotquitelogical……WhatyouhavedoneitallforI
can"tunderstand。“
“Why,whathaveIdonethen?Giveovertalkinginyournonsensicalriddles!Ormaybeyouaredrunk！”
“Youmaybeadrunkard,perhaps,vileman,butIamnot!Inevertouchvodka,forit"sagainstmyconvictions。Wouldyoubelieveit,he,hehimself,withhisownhandsgaveSofyaSemyonovnathathundred-roublenote-Isawit,Iwasawitness,I"lltakemyoath!
Hedidit,he！”repeatedLebeziatnikov,addressingall。
“Areyoucrazy,milksop？”squealedLuzhin。“Sheisherselfbeforeyou,-sheherselfheredeclaredjustnowbeforeeveryonethatI
gaveheronlytenroubles。HowcouldIhavegivenittoher？”
“Isawit,Isawit,“Lebeziatnikovrepeated,“andalthoughitisagainstmyprinciples,Iamreadythisveryminutetotakeanyoathyoulikebeforethecourt,forIsawhowyouslippeditinherpocket。
OnlylikeafoolIthoughtyoudiditoutofkindness!Whenyouweresayinggood-byetoheratthedoor,whileyouheldherhandinonehand,withtheother,theleft,youslippedthenoteintoherpocket。Isawit,Isawit！”
Luzhinturnedpale。
“Whatlies！”hecriedimpudently,“why,howcouldyou,standingbythewindow,seethenote!Youfancieditwithyourshortsightedeyes。Youareraving！”
“No,Ididn"tfancyit。AndthoughIwasstandingsomewayoff,I
sawitall。Andthoughitcertainlywouldbehardtodistinguishanotefromthewindow,-that"strue-Iknewforcertainthatitwasahundred-roublenote,because,whenyouweregoingtogiveSofyaSemyonovnatenroubles,youtookupfromthetableahundred-roublenote(IsawitbecauseIwasstandingnearthen,andanideastruckmeatonce,sothatIdidnotforgetyouhaditinyourhand)。Youfoldeditandkeptitinyourhandallthetime。Ididn"tthinkofitagainuntil,whenyouweregettingup,youchangeditfromyourrighthandtoyourleftandnearlydroppedit!Inoticeditbecausethesameideastruckmeagain,thatyoumeanttodoherakindnesswithoutmyseeing。YoucanfancyhowIwatchedyouandIsawhowyousucceededinslippingitintoherpocket。Isawit,Isawit,I"lltakemyoath。“
Lebeziatnikovwasalmostbreathless。Exclamationsaroseonallhandschieflyexpressiveofwonder,butsomeweremenacingintone。TheyallcrowdedroundPyotrPetrovitch。KaterinaIvanovnaflewtoLebeziatnikov。
“Iwasmistakeninyou!Protecther!Youaretheonlyonetotakeherpart!Sheisanorphan。Godhassentyou！”
KaterinaIvanovna,hardlyknowingwhatshewasdoing,sankonherkneesbeforehim。
“Apackofnonsense！”yelledLuzhin,rousedtofury,“it"sallnonsenseyou"vebeentalking!"Anideastruckyou,youdidn"tthink,younoticed"-whatdoesitamountto?SoIgaveittoherontheslyonpurpose?Whatfor?Withwhatobject?WhathaveItodowiththis……？”
“Whatfor?That"swhatIcan"tunderstand,butthatwhatIamtellingyouisthefact,that"scertain!Sofarfrommybeingmistaken,youinfamous,criminalman,Irememberhow,onaccountofit,aquestionoccurredtomeatonce,justwhenIwasthankingyouandpressingyourhand。Whatmadeyouputitsecretlyinherpocket?
Whyyoudiditsecretly,Imean?Coulditbesimplytoconcealitfromme,knowingthatmyconvictionsareopposedtoyoursandthatIdonotapproveofprivatebenevolence,whicheffectsnoradicalcure?Well,I
decidedthatyoureallywereashamedofgivingsuchalargesumbeforeme。Perhaps,too,Ithought,hewantstogiveherasurprise,whenshefindsawholehundred-roublenoteinherpocket。(ForIknowsomebenevolentpeopleareveryfondofdeckingouttheircharitableactionsinthatway。)Thentheideastruckme,too,thatyouwantedtotesther,toseewhether,whenshefoundit,shewouldcometothankyou。Then,too,thatyouwantedtoavoidthanksandthat,asthesayingis,yourrighthandshouldnotknow……somethingofthatsort,infact。IthoughtofsomanypossibilitiesthatIputoffconsideringit,butstillthoughtitindelicatetoshowyouIknewyoursecret。ButanotherideastruckmeagainthatSofyaSemyonovnamighteasilylosethemoneybeforeshenoticedit,thatwaswhyI
decidedtocomeinheretocallheroutoftheroomandtotellherthatyouputahundredroublesinherpocket。ButonmywayIwentfirsttoMadameKobilatnikov"stotakethemthe"GeneralTreatiseonthePositiveMethod"andespeciallytorecommendPiderit"sarticle(andalsoWagner"s);thenIcomeonhereandwhatastateofthingsIfind!NowcouldI,couldI,havealltheseideasandreflections,ifIhadnotseenyouputthehundred-roublenoteinherpocket？”
WhenLebeziatnikovfinishedhislong-windedharanguewiththelogicaldeductionattheend,hewasquitetired,andtheperspirationstreamedfromhisface。Hecouldnot,alas,evenexpresshimselfcorrectlyinRussian,thoughheknewnootherlanguage,sothathewasquiteexhausted,almostemaciatedafterthisheroicexploit。Buthisspeechproducedapowerfuleffect。Hehadspokenwithsuchvehemence,withsuchconvictionthateveryoneobviouslybelievedhim。
PyotrPetrovitchfeltthatthingsweregoingbadlywithhim。
“Whatisittodowithmeifsillyideasdidoccurtoyou？”heshouted,“that"snoevidence。Youmayhavedreamtit,that"sall!
AndItellyou,youarelying,sir。Youarelyingandslanderingfromsomespiteagainstme,simplyfrompique,becauseIdidnotagreewithyourfreethinking,godless,socialpropositions！”
ButthisretortdidnotbenefitPyotrPetrovitch。Murmursofdisapprovalwereheardonallsides。
“Ah,that"syourlinenow,isit！”criedLebeziatnikov,“that"snonsense!CallthepoliceandI"lltakemyoath!There"sonlyonethingIcan"tunderstand：whatmadehimrisksuchacontemptibleaction。Oh,pitiful,despicableman！”
“Icanexplainwhyheriskedsuchanaction,andifnecessary,I,too,willsweartoit,“Raskolnikovsaidatlastinafirmvoice,andhesteppedforward。
Heappearedtobefirmandcomposed。Everyonefeltclearly,fromtheverylookofhimthathereallyknewaboutitandthatthemysterywouldbesolved。
“NowIcanexplainitalltomyself,“saidRaskolnikov,addressingLebeziatnikov。“Fromtheverybeginningofthebusiness,Isuspectedthattherewassomescoundrellyintrigueatthebottomofit。I
begantosuspectitfromsomespecialcircumstancesknowntomeonly,whichIwillexplainatoncetoeveryone：theyaccountforeverything。Yourvaluableevidencehasfinallymadeeverythingcleartome。Ibegall,alltolisten。Thisgentleman(hepointedtoLuzhin)
wasrecentlyengagedtobemarriedtoayounglady-mysister,AvdotyaRomanovnaRaskolnikov。ButcomingtoPetersburghequarrelledwithme,thedaybeforeyesterday,atourfirstmeetingandIdrovehimoutofmyroom-Ihavetwowitnessestoproveit。Heisaveryspitefulman……ThedaybeforeyesterdayIdidnotknowthathewasstayinghere,inyourroom,andthatconsequentlyontheverydaywequarrelled-thedaybeforeyesterday-hesawmegiveKaterinaIvanovnasomemoneyforthefuneral,asafriendofthelateMr。Marmeladov。HeatoncewroteanotetomymotherandinformedherthatIhadgivenawayallmymoney,nottoKaterinaIvanovna,buttoSofyaSemyonovna,andreferredinamostcontemptiblewaytothe……
characterofSofyaSemyonovna,thatis,hintedatthecharacterofmyattitudetoSofyaSemyonovna。Allthisyouunderstandwaswiththeobjectofdividingmefrommymotherandsister,byinsinuatingthatIwassquanderingonunworthyobjectsthemoneywhichtheyhadsentmeandwhichwasalltheyhad。Yesterdayevening,beforemymotherandsisterandinhispresence,IdeclaredthatIhadgiventhemoneytoKaterinaIvanovnaforthefuneralandnottoSofyaSemyonovnaandthatIhadnoacquaintancewithSofyaSemyonovnaandhadneverseenherbefore,indeed。AtthesametimeIaddedthathe,PyotrPetrovitchLuzhin,withallhisvirtueswasnotworthSofyaSemyonovna"slittlefinger,thoughhespokesoillofher。Tohisquestion-wouldIletSofyaSemyonovnasitdownbesidemysister,I
answeredthatIhadalreadydonesothatday。Irritatedthatmymotherandsisterwereunwillingtoquarrelwithmeathisinsinuations,hegraduallybeganbeingunpardonablyrudetothem。Afinalrupturetookplaceandhewasturnedoutofthehouse。Allthishappenedyesterdayevening。NowIbegyourspecialattention：consider：ifhehadnowsucceededinprovingthatSofyaSemyonovnawasathief,hewouldhaveshowntomymotherandsisterthathewasalmostrightinhissuspicions,thathehadreasontobeangryatmyputtingmysisteronalevelwithSofyaSemyonovna,that,inattackingme,hewasprotectingandpreservingthehonourofmysister,hisbetrothed。Infacthemighteven,throughallthis,havebeenabletoestrangemefrommyfamily,andnodoubthehopedtoberestoredtofavourwiththem;tosaynothingofrevenginghimselfonmepersonally,forhehasgroundsforsupposingthatthehonourandhappinessofSofyaSemyonovnaareveryprecioustome。Thatwaswhathewasworkingfor!That"showIunderstandit。That"sthewholereasonforitandtherecanbenoother！”
Itwaslikethis,orsomewhatlikethis,thatRaskolnikovwounduphisspeechwhichwasfollowedveryattentively,thoughofteninterruptedbyexclamationsfromhisaudience。Butinspiteofinterruptionshespokeclearly,calmly,exactly,firmly。Hisdecisivevoice,histoneofconvictionandhissternfacemadeagreatimpressiononeveryone。
“Yes,yes,that"sit,“Lebeziatnikovassentedgleefully,“thatmustbeit,forheaskedme,assoonasSofyaSemyonovnacameintoourroom,whetheryouwerehere,whetherIhadseenyouamongKaterinaIvanovna"sguests。Hecalledmeasidetothewindowandaskedmeinsecret。Itwasessentialforhimthatyoushouldbehere!That"sit,that"sit！”
Luzhinsmiledcontemptuouslyanddidnotspeak。Buthewasverypale。Heseemedtobedeliberatingonsomemeansofescape。Perhapshewouldhavebeengladtogiveupeverythingandgetaway,butatthemomentthiswasscarcelypossible。Itwouldhaveimpliedadmittingthetruthoftheaccusationsbroughtagainsthim。Moreover,thecompany,whichhadalreadybeenexcitedbydrink,wasnowtoomuchstirredtoallowit。Thecommissariatclerk,thoughindeedhehadnotgraspedthewholeposition,wasshoutinglouderthananyoneandwasmakingsomesuggestionsveryunpleasanttoLuzhin。Butnotallthosepresentweredrunk;lodgerscameinfromalltherooms。ThethreePolesweretremendouslyexcitedandwerecontinuallyshoutingathim：“ThePanisalajdak！”andmutteringthreatsinPolish。Soniahadbeenlisteningwithstrainedattention,thoughshetooseemedunabletograspitall;
sheseemedasthoughshehadjustreturnedtoconsciousness。ShedidnottakehereyesoffRaskolnikov,feelingthatallhersafetylayinhim。KaterinaIvanovnabreathedhardandpainfullyandseemedfearfullyexhausted。AmaliaIvanovnastoodlookingmorestupidthananyone,withhermouthwideopen,unabletomakeoutwhathadhappened。SheonlysawthatPyotrPetrovitchhadsomehowcometogrief。
Raskolnikovwasattemptingtospeakagain,buttheydidnotlethim。
EveryonewascrowdingroundLuzhinwiththreatsandshoutsofabuse。ButPyotrPetrovitchwasnotintimidated。SeeingthathisaccusationofSoniahadcompletelyfailed,hehadrecoursetoinsolence：
“Allowme,gentlemen,allowme!Don"tsqueeze,letmepass！”hesaid,makinghiswaythroughthecrowd。“Andnothreatsifyouplease!
Iassureyouitwillbeuseless,youwillgainnothingbyit。Onthecontrary,you"llhavetoanswer,gentlemen,forviolentlyobstructingthecourseofjustice。Thethiefhasbeenmorethanunmasked,andIshallprosecute。Ourjudgesarenotsoblindand……
notsodrunk,andwillnotbelievethetestimonyoftwonotoriousinfidels,agitators,andatheists,whoaccusemefrommotivesofpersonalrevengewhichtheyarefoolishenoughtoadmit……Yes,allowmetopass！”
“Don"tletmefindatraceofyouinmyroom!Kindlyleaveatonce,andeverythingisatanendbetweenus!WhenIthinkofthetroubleI"vebeentaking,thewayI"vebeenexpounding……allthisfortnight！”
“Itoldyoumyselfto-daythatIwasgoing,whenyoutriedtokeepme;nowIwillsimplyaddthatyouareafool。Iadviseyoutoseeadoctorforyourbrainsandyourshortsight。Letmepass,gentlemen！”
Heforcedhiswaythrough。Butthecommissariatclerkwasunwillingtolethimoffsoeasily：hepickedupaglassfromthetable,brandisheditintheairandflungitatPyotrPetrovitch;
buttheglassflewstraightatAmaliaIvanovna。Shescreamed,andtheclerk,overbalancing,fellheavilyunderthetable。PyotrPetrovitchmadehiswaytohisroomandhalfanhourlaterhadleftthehouse。Sonia,timidbynature,hadfeltbeforethatdaythatshecouldbeill-treatedmoreeasilythananyone,andthatshecouldbewrongedwithimpunity。Yettillthatmomentshehadfanciedthatshemightescapemisfortunebycare,gentlenessandsubmissivenessbeforeeveryone。Herdisappointmentwastoogreat。Shecould,ofcourse,bearwithpatienceandalmostwithoutmurmuranything,eventhis。Butforthefirstminuteshefeltittoobitter。Inspiteofhertriumphandherjustification-whenherfirstterrorandstupefactionhadpassedandshecouldunderstanditallclearly-thefeelingofherhelplessnessandofthewrongdonetohermadeherheartthrobwithanguishandshewasovercomewithhystericalweeping。
Atlast,unabletobearanymore,sherushedoutoftheroomandranhome,almostimmediatelyafterLuzhin"sdeparture。WhenamidstloudlaughtertheglassflewatAmaliaIvanovna,itwasmorethanthelandladycouldendure。WithashrieksherushedlikeafuryatKaterinaIvanovna,consideringhertoblameforeverything。
“Outofmylodgings!Atonce!Quickmarch！”
AndwiththesewordsshebegansnatchingupeverythingshecouldlayherhandsonthatbelongedtoKaterinaIvanovna,andthrowingitonthefloor,KaterinaIvanovna,pale,almostfainting,andgaspingforbreath,jumpedupfromthebedwhereshehadsunkinexhaustionanddartedatAmaliaIvanovna。Butthebattlewastoounequal：thelandladywavedherawaylikeafeather。
“What!Asthoughthatgodlesscalumnywasnotenough-thisvilecreatureattacksme!What!Onthedayofmyhusband"sfuneralIamturnedoutofmylodgings!Aftereatingmybreadandsaltsheturnsmeintothestreet,withmyorphans!WhereamItogo？”wailedthepoorwoman,sobbingandgasping。“GoodGod！”shecriedwithflashingeyes,“istherenojusticeuponearth?Whomshouldyouprotectifnotusorphans?Weshallsee!Thereislawandjusticeonearth,thereis,Iwillfindit!Waitabit,godlesscreature!Polenka,staywiththechildren,I"llcomeback。Waitforme,ifyouhavetowaitinthestreet。Wewillseewhetherthereisjusticeonearth！”
AndthrowingoverherheadthatgreenshawlwhichMarmeladovhadmentionedtoRaskolnikov,KaterinaIvanovnasqueezedherwaythroughthedisorderlyanddrunkencrowdoflodgerswhostillfilledtheroom,and,wailingandtearful,sheranintothestreet-withavagueintentionofgoingatoncesomewheretofindjustice。Polenkawiththetwolittleonesinherarmscrouched,terrified,onthetrunkinthecorneroftheroom,whereshewaitedtremblingforhermothertocomeback。AmaliaIvanovnaragedabouttheroom,shrieking,lamentingandthrowingeverythingshecameacrossonthefloor。Thelodgerstalkedincoherently,somecommentedtothebestoftheirabilityonwhathadhappened,othersquarreledandsworeatoneanother,whileothersstruckupasong……
“Nowit"stimeformetogo,“thoughtRaskolnikov。“Well,SofyaSemyonovna,weshallseewhatyou"llsaynow！”
AndhesetoffinthedirectionofSonia"slodgings。
ChapterFourRASKOLNIKOVhadbeenavigorousandactivechampionofSoniaagainstLuzhin,althoughhehadsuchaloadofhorrorandanguishinhisownheart。Buthavinggonethroughsomuchinthemorning,hefoundasortofreliefinachangeofsensations,apartfromthestrongpersonalfeelingwhichimpelledhimtodefendSonia。Hewasagitatedtoo,especiallyatsomemoments,bythethoughtofhisapproachinginterviewwithSonia：hehadtotellherwhohadkilledLizaveta。Heknewtheterriblesufferingitwouldbetohimand,asitwere,brushedawaythethoughtofit。SowhenhecriedasheleftKaterinaIvanovna"s,“Well,SofyaSemyonovna,weshallseewhatyou"llsaynow！”hewasstillsuperficiallyexcited,stillvigorousanddefiantfromhistriumphoverLuzhin。But,strangetosay,bythetimehereachedSonia"slodging,hefeltasuddenimpotenceandfear。Hestoodstillinhesitationatthedoor,askinghimselfthestrangequestion：“MustItellherwhokilledLizaveta？”Itwasastrangequestionbecausehefeltattheverytimenotonlythathecouldnothelptellingher,butalsothathecouldnotputoffthetelling。Hedidnotyetknowwhyitmustbeso,heonlyfeltit,andtheagonisingsenseofhisimpotencebeforetheinevitablealmostcrushedhim。Tocutshorthishesitationandsuffering,hequicklyopenedthedoorandlookedatSoniafromthedoorway。Shewassittingwithherelbowsonthetableandherfaceinherhands,butseeingRaskolnikovshegotupatonceandcametomeethimasthoughshewereexpectinghim。
“Whatwouldhavebecomeofmebutforyou！”shesaidquickly,meetinghiminthemiddleoftheroom。
Evidentlyshewasinhastetosaythistohim。Itwaswhatshehadbeenwaitingfor。
Raskolnikovwenttothetableandsatdownonthechairfromwhichshehadonlyjustrisen。Shestoodfacinghim,twostepsaway,justasshehaddonethedaybefore。
“Well,Sonia？”hesaid,andfeltthathisvoicewastrembling,“itwasalldueto"yoursocialpositionandthehabitsassociatedwithit。"Didyouunderstandthatjustnow？”
Herfaceshowedherdistress。
“Onlydon"ttalktomeasyoudidyesterday,“sheinterruptedhim。
“Pleasedon"tbeginit。Thereismiseryenoughwithoutthat。“
Shemadehastetosmile,afraidthathemightnotlikethereproach。
“Iwassillytocomeawayfromthere。Whatishappeningtherenow?I
wantedtogobackdirectly,butIkeptthinkingthat……youwouldcome。“
HetoldherthatAmaliaIvanovnawasturningthemoutoftheirlodgingandthatKaterinaIvanovnahadrunoffsomewhere“toseekjustice。“
“MyGod！”criedSonia,“let"sgoatonce……“
Andshesnatcheduphercape。
“It"severlastinglythesamething！”saidRaskolnikov,irritably。
“You"venothoughtexceptforthem!Stayalittlewithme。“
“But……KaterinaIvanovna？”
“Youwon"tloseKaterinaIvanovna,youmaybesure,she"llcometoyouherselfsinceshehasrunout,“headdedpeevishly。“Ifshedoesn"tfindyouhere,you"llbeblamedforit……“
Soniasatdowninpainfulsuspense。Raskolnikovwassilent,gazingattheflooranddeliberating。
“ThistimeLuzhindidnotwanttoprosecuteyou,“hebegan,notlookingatSonia,“butifhehadwantedto,ifithadsuitedhisplans,hewouldhavesentyoutoprisonifithadnotbeenforLebeziatnikovandme。Ah？”
“Yes,“sheassentedinafaintvoice。“Yes,“sherepeated,preoccupiedanddistressed。
“ButImighteasilynothavebeenthere。AnditwasquiteanaccidentLebeziatnikov"sturningup。“
Soniawassilent。
“Andifyou"dgonetoprison,whatthen?DoyourememberwhatIsaidyesterday？”
Againshedidnotanswer。Hewaited。
“Ithoughtyouwouldcryoutagain"don"tspeakofit,leaveoff。"“Raskolnikovgavealaugh,butratheraforcedone。“What,silenceagain？”heaskedaminutelater。“Wemusttalkaboutsomething,youknow。Itwouldbeinterestingformetoknowhowyouwoulddecideacertain"problem"asLebeziatnikovwouldsay。“(Hewasbeginningtolosethethread。)“No,really,Iamserious。Imagine,Sonia,thatyouhadknownallLuzhin"sintentionsbeforehand。Known,thatis,forafact,thattheywouldbetheruinofKaterinaIvanovnaandthechildrenandyourselfthrownin-sinceyoudon"tcountyourselfforanything-Polenkatoo……forshe"llgothesameway。Well,ifsuddenlyitalldependedonyourdecisionwhetherheortheyshouldgoonliving,thatiswhetherLuzhinshouldgoonlivinganddoingwickedthings,orKaterinaIvanovnashoulddie?Howwouldyoudecidewhichofthemwastodie?Iaskyou？”
Sonialookeduneasilyathim。Therewassomethingpeculiarinthishesitatingquestion,whichseemedapproachingsomethinginaroundaboutway。
“Ifeltthatyouweregoingtoasksomequestionlikethat,“shesaid,lookinginquisitivelyathim。
“Idaresayyoudid。Buthowisittobeanswered？”
“Whydoyouaskaboutwhatcouldnothappen？”saidSoniareluctantly。
“ThenitwouldbebetterforLuzhintogoonlivinganddoingwickedthings?Youhaven"tdaredtodecideeventhat！”
“ButIcan"tknowtheDivineProvidence……Andwhydoyouaskwhatcan"tbeanswered?What"stheuseofsuchfoolishquestions?
Howcouldithappenthatitshoulddependonmydecision-whohasmademeajudgetodecidewhoistoliveandwhoisnottolive？”
“Oh,iftheDivineProvidenceistobemixedupinit,thereisnodoinganything,“Raskolnikovgrumbledmorosely。
“You"dbettersaystraightoutwhatyouwant！”Soniacriedindistress。“Youareleadinguptosomethingagain……Canyouhavecomesimplytotortureme？”
Shecouldnotcontrolherselfandbegancryingbitterly。Helookedatheringloomymisery。Fiveminutespassed。
“Ofcourseyou"reright,Sonia,“hesaidsoftlyatlast。Hewassuddenlychanged。Histoneofassumedarroganceandhelplessdefiancewasgone。Evenhisvoicewassuddenlyweak。“ItoldyouyesterdaythatIwasnotcomingtoaskforgivenessandalmostthefirstthingI"vesaidistoaskforgiveness……IsaidthataboutLuzhinandProvidenceformyownsake。Iwasaskingforgiveness,Sonia……“
Hetriedtosmile,buttherewassomethinghelplessandincompleteinhispalesmile。Hebowedhisheadandhidhisfaceinhishands。
Andsuddenlyastrange,surprisingsensationofasortofbitterhatredforSoniapassedthroughhisheart。Asitwerewonderingandfrightenedofthissensation,heraisedhisheadandlookedintentlyather;buthemetheruneasyandpainfullyanxiouseyesfixedonhim;
therewasloveinthem;hishatredvanishedlikeaphantom。Itwasnottherealfeeling;hehadtakentheonefeelingfortheother。Itonlymeantthatthatminutehadcome。
Hehidhisfaceinhishandsagainandbowedhishead。Suddenlyheturnedpale,gotupfromhischair,lookedatSonia,andwithoututteringawordsatdownmechanicallyonherbed。
Hissensationsthatmomentwereterriblylikethemomentwhenhehadstoodovertheoldwomanwiththeaxeinhishandandfeltthat“hemustnotloseanotherminute。“
“What"sthematter？”askedSonia,dreadfullyfrightened。
Hecouldnotutteraword。Thiswasnotatall,notatallthewayhehadintendedto“tell“andhedidnotunderstandwhatwashappeningtohimnow。Shewentuptohim,softly,satdownonthebedbesidehimandwaited,nottakinghereyesoffhim。Herheartthrobbedandsank。Itwasunendurable;heturnedhisdeadlypalefacetoher。Hislipsworked,helplesslystrugglingtouttersomething。ApangofterrorpassedthroughSonia"sheart。
“What"sthematter？”sherepeated,drawingalittleawayfromhim。
“Nothing,Sonia,don"tbefrightened……It"snonsense。Itreallyisnonsense,ifyouthinkofit,“hemuttered,likeamanindelirium。
“WhyhaveIcometotortureyou？”headdedsuddenly,lookingather。
“Why,really?Ikeepaskingmyselfthatquestion,Sonia……“
Hehadperhapsbeenaskinghimselfthatquestionaquarterofanhourbefore,butnowhespokehelplessly,hardlyknowingwhathesaidandfeelingacontinualtremorallover。
“Oh,howyouaresuffering！”shemutteredindistress,lookingintentlyathim。
“It"sallnonsense……Listen,Sonia。“Hesuddenlysmiled,apalehelplesssmilefortwoseconds。“YourememberwhatImeanttotellyouyesterday？”
Soniawaiteduneasily。
“IsaidasIwentawaythatperhapsIwassayinggood-byeforever,butthatifIcameto-dayIwouldtellyouwho……whokilledLizaveta。“
Shebegantremblingallover。
“Well,hereI"vecometotellyou。“
“Thenyoureallymeantityesterday？”shewhisperedwithdifficulty。
“Howdoyouknow？”sheaskedquickly,asthoughsuddenlyregainingherreason。
Sonia"sfacegrewpalerandpaler,andshebreathedpainfully。
“Iknow。“
Shepausedaminute。
“Havetheyfoundhim？”sheaskedtimidly。
“No。“
“Thenhowdoyouknowaboutit？”sheaskedagain,hardlyaudiblyandagainafteraminute"spause。
Heturnedtoherandlookedveryintentlyather。
“Guess,“hesaid,withthesamedistortedhelplesssmile。
Ashudderpassedoverher。
“Butyou……whydoyoufrightenmelikethis？”shesaid,smilinglikeachild。
“Imustbeagreatfriendofhis……sinceIknow,“Raskolnikovwenton,stillgazingintoherface,asthoughhecouldnotturnhiseyesaway。“He……didnotmeantokillthatLizaveta……he……killedheraccidentally……Hemeanttokilltheoldwomanwhenshewasaloneandhewentthere……andthenLizavetacamein……hekilledhertoo。“
Anotherawfulmomentpassed。Bothstillgazedatoneanother。
“Youcan"tguess,then？”heaskedsuddenly,feelingasthoughhewereflinginghimselfdownfromasteeple。
“N-no……“whisperedSonia。
“Takeagoodlook。“
Assoonashehadsaidthisagain,thesamefamiliarsensationfrozehisheart。HelookedatherandallatonceseemedtoseeinherfacethefaceofLizaveta。HerememberedclearlytheexpressioninLizaveta"sface,whenheapproachedherwiththeaxeandshesteppedbacktothewall,puttingoutherhand,withchildishterrorinherface,lookingaslittlechildrendowhentheybegintobefrightenedofsomething,lookingintentlyanduneasilyatwhatfrightensthem,shrinkingbackandholdingouttheirlittlehandsonthepointofcrying。AlmostthesamethinghappenednowtoSonia。Withthesamehelplessnessandthesameterror,shelookedathimforawhileand,suddenlyputtingoutherlefthand,pressedherfingersfaintlyagainsthisbreastandslowlybegantogetupfromthebed,movingfurtherfromhimandkeepinghereyesfixedevenmoreimmovablyonhim。Herterrorinfectedhim。Thesamefearshoweditselfonhisface。
Inthesamewayhestaredatherandalmostwiththesamechildishsmile。
“Haveyouguessed？”hewhisperedatlast。
“GoodGod！”brokeinanawfulwailfromherbosom。
Shesankhelplesslyonthebedwithherfaceinthepillows,butamomentlatershegotup,movedquicklytohim,seizedbothhishandsand,grippingthemtightinherthinfingers,beganlookingintohisfaceagainwiththesameintentstare。Inthislastdesperatelookshetriedtolookintohimandcatchsomelasthope。Buttherewasnohope;therewasnodoubtremaining;itwasalltrue!Lateron,indeed,whensherecalledthatmoment,shethoughtitstrangeandwonderedwhyshehadseenatoncethattherewasnodoubt。Shecouldnothavesaid,forinstance,thatshehadforeseensomethingofthesort-andyetnow,assoonashetoldher,shesuddenlyfanciedthatshehadreallyforeseenthisverything。
“Stop,Sonia,enough!don"ttortureme,“hebeggedhermiserably。
Itwasnotatall,notatalllikethishehadthoughtoftellingher,butthisishowithappened。
Shejumpedup,seemingnottoknowwhatshewasdoing,and,wringingherhands,walkedintothemiddleoftheroom;but,quicklywentbackandsatdownagainbesidehim,hershoulderalmosttouchinghis。Allofasuddenshestartedasthoughshehadbeenstabbed,utteredacryandfellonherkneesbeforehim,shedidnotknowwhy。
“Whathaveyoudone-whathaveyoudonetoyourself！”shesaidindespair,and,jumpingup,sheflungherselfonhisneck,threwherarmsroundhim,andheldhimtight。
Raskolnikovdrewbackandlookedatherwithamournfulsmile。
“Youareastrangegirl,Sonia-youkissmeandhugmewhenItellyouaboutthat……Youdon"tthinkwhatyouaredoing。“
“Thereisnoone-nooneinthewholeworldnowsounhappyasyou！”shecriedinafrenzy,nothearingwhathesaid,andshesuddenlybrokeintoviolenthystericalweeping。
Afeelinglongunfamiliartohimfloodedhisheartandsofteneditatonce。Hedidnotstruggleagainstit。Twotearsstartedintohiseyesandhungonhiseyelashes。
“Thenyouwon"tleaveme,Sonia？”hesaid,lookingatheralmostwithhope。
“No,no,never,nowhere！”criedSonia。“Iwillfollowyou,Iwillfollowyoueverywhere。Oh,myGod!Oh,howmiserableIam!……Why,whydidn"tIknowyoubefore!Whydidn"tyoucomebefore?Oh,dear！”
“HereIhavecome。“
“Yes,now!What"stobedonenow!……Together,together！”sherepeatedasitwereunconsciously,andshehuggedhimagain。“I"llfollowyoutoSiberia！”
Herecoiledatthis,andthesamehostile,almosthaughtysmilecametohislips。
“PerhapsIdon"twanttogotoSiberiayet,Sonia,“hesaid。
Sonialookedathimquickly。
Againafterherfirstpassionate,agonisingsympathyfortheunhappymantheterribleideaofthemurderoverwhelmedher。Inhischangedtonesheseemedtohearthemurdererspeaking。Shelookedathimbewildered。Sheknewnothingasyet,why,how,withwhatobjectithadbeen。Nowallthesequestionsrushedatonceintohermind。Andagainshecouldnotbelieveit：“He,heisamurderer!Coulditbetrue？”
“What"sthemeaningofit?WhereamI？”shesaidincompletebewilderment,asthoughstillunabletorecoverherself。“Howcouldyou,you,amanlikeyou……Howcouldyoubringyourselftoit?……
Whatdoesitmean？”
“Oh,well-toplunder。Leaveoff,Sonia,“heansweredwearily,almostwithvexation。
Soniastoodasthoughstruckdumb,butsuddenlyshecried：
“Youwerehungry!Itwas……tohelpyourmother?Yes？”
“No,Sonia,no,“hemuttered,turningawayandhanginghishead。
“Iwasnotsohungry……Icertainlydidwanttohelpmymother,but……that"snottherealthingeither……Don"ttortureme,Sonia。“
Soniaclaspedherhands。
“Couldit,coulditallbetrue?GoodGod,whatatruth!Whocouldbelieveit?Andhowcouldyougiveawayyourlastfarthingandyetrobandmurder!Ah,“shecriedsuddenly,“thatmoneyyougaveKaterinaIvanovna……thatmoney……Canthatmoney……“
“No,Sonia,“hebrokeinhurriedly,“thatmoneywasnotit。Don"tworryyourself!ThatmoneymymothersentmeanditcamewhenIwasill,thedayIgaveittoyou……Razumihinsawit……hereceiveditforme……Thatmoneywasmine-myown。“
Sonialistenedtohiminbewildermentanddidherutmosttocomprehend。
“Andthatmoney……Idon"tevenknowreallywhethertherewasanymoney,“headdedsoftly,asthoughreflecting。“Itookapurseoffherneck,madeofchamoisleather……apursestuffedfullofsomething……butIdidn"tlookinit;IsupposeIhadn"ttime……
Andthethings-chainsandtrinkets-IburiedunderastonewiththepursenextmorninginayardofftheV__Prospect。Theyarealltherenow……“
Soniastrainedeverynervetolisten。
“Thenwhy……why,yousaidyoudidittorob,butyoutooknothing？”
sheaskedquickly,catchingatastraw。
“Idon"tknow……Ihaven"tyetdecidedwhethertotakethatmoneyornot,“hesaid,musingagain;and,seemingtowakeupwithastart,hegaveabriefironicalsmile。“Ach,whatsillystuffIamtalking,eh？”
ThethoughtflashedthroughSonia"smind,wasn"themad?Butshedismisseditatonce。“No,itwassomethingelse。“Shecouldmakenothingofit,nothing。
“Doyouknow,Sonia,“hesaidsuddenlywithconviction,“letmetellyou：ifI"dsimplykilledbecauseIwashungry,“layingstressoneverywordandlookingenigmaticallybutsincerelyather,“Ishouldbehappynow。Youmustbelievethat!Whatwoulditmattertoyou,“
hecriedamomentlaterwithasortofdespair,“whatwoulditmattertoyouifIweretoconfessthatIdidwrong!Whatdoyougainbysuchastupidtriumphoverme?Ah,Sonia,wasitforthatI"vecometoyouto-day？”
AgainSoniatriedtosaysomething,butdidnotspeak。
“IaskedyoutogowithmeyesterdaybecauseyouareallIhaveleft。“
“Gowhere？”askedSoniatimidly。
“Nottostealandnottomurder,don"tbeanxious,“hesmiledbitterly。“Wearesodifferent……Andyouknow,Sonia,it"sonlynow,onlythismomentthatIunderstandwhereIaskedyoutogowithmeyesterday!YesterdaywhenIsaiditIdidnotknowwhere。Iaskedyouforonething,Icametoyouforonething-nottoleaveme。Youwon"tleaveme,Sonia？”
Shesqueezedhishand。
“Andwhy,whydidItellher?WhydidIletherknow？”hecriedaminutelaterindespair,lookingwithinfiniteanguishather。“Hereyouexpectanexplanationfromme,Sonia;youaresittingandwaitingforit,Iseethat。ButwhatcanItellyou?Youwon"tunderstandandwillonlysuffermisery……onmyaccount!Well,youarecryingandembracingmeagain。Whydoyoudoit?BecauseIcouldn"tbearmyburdenandhavecometothrowitonanother：yousuffertoo,andIshallfeelbetter!Andcanyoulovesuchameanwretch？”
“Butaren"tyousuffering,too？”criedSonia。
Againawaveofthesamefeelingsurgedintohisheart,andagainforaninstantsoftenedit。
“Sonia,Ihaveabadheart,takenoteofthat。Itmayexplainagreatdeal。IhavecomebecauseIambad。Therearemenwhowouldn"thavecome。ButIamacowardand……ameanwretch。But……nevermind!That"snotthepoint。Imustspeaknow,butIdon"tknowhowtobegin。“
Hepausedandsankintothought。
“Ach,wearesodifferent,“hecriedagain,“wearenotalike。Andwhy,whydidIcome?Ishallneverforgivemyselfthat。“
“No,no,itwasagoodthingyoucame,“criedSonia。“It"sbetterIshouldknow,farbetter！”
Helookedatherwithanguish。
“Whatifitwerereallythat？”hesaid,asthoughreachingaconclusion。“Yes,that"swhatitwas!IwantedtobecomeaNapoleon,thatiswhyIkilledher……Doyouunderstandnow？”
“N-no,“Soniawhisperednaivelyandtimidly。“Onlyspeak,speak,I
shallunderstand,Ishallunderstandinmyself！”shekeptbegginghim。
“You"llunderstand?Verywell,weshallsee！”Hepausedandwasforsometimelostinmeditation。
“Itwaslikethis：Iaskedmyselfonedaythisquestion-whatifNapoleon,forinstance,hadhappenedtobeinmyplace,andifhehadnothadToulonnorEgyptnorthepassageofMontBlanctobeginhiscareerwith,butinsteadofallthosepicturesqueandmonumentalthings,therehadsimplybeensomeridiculousoldhag,apawnbroker,whohadtobemurderedtootogetmoneyfromhertrunk(forhiscareer,youunderstand)。Well,wouldhehavebroughthimselftothat,iftherehadbeennoothermeans?Wouldn"thehavefeltapangatitsbeingsofarfrommonumentaland……andsinful,too?Well,I
musttellyouthatIworriedmyselffearfullyoverthat"question"
sothatIwasawfullyashamedwhenIguessedatlast(allofasudden,somehow)thatitwouldnothavegivenhimtheleastpang,thatitwouldnotevenhavestruckhimthatitwasnotmonumental……thathewouldnothaveseenthattherewasanythinginittopauseover,andthat,ifhehadhadnootherway,hewouldhavestrangledherinaminutewithoutthinkingaboutit!Well,Itoo……leftoffthinkingaboutit……murderedher,followinghisexample。Andthat"sexactlyhowitwas!Doyouthinkitfunny?Yes,Sonia,thefunniestthingofallisthatperhapsthat"sjusthowitwas。“
Soniadidnotthinkitatallfunny。
“Youhadbettertellmestraightout……withoutexamples,“shebegged,stillmoretimidlyandscarcelyaudibly。
Heturnedtoher,lookedsadlyatherandtookherhands。
“Youarerightagain,Sonia。Ofcoursethat"sallnonsense,it"salmostalltalk!Yousee,youknowofcoursethatmymotherhasscarcelyanything,mysisterhappenedtohaveagoodeducationandwascondemnedtodrudgeasagoverness。Alltheirhopeswerecenteredonme。Iwasastudent,butIcouldn"tkeepmyselfattheuniversityandwasforcedforatimetoleaveit。EvenifIhadlingeredonlikethat,intenortwelveyearsImight(withluck)hopetobesomesortofteacherorclerkwithasalaryofathousandroubles“(herepeateditasthoughitwerealesson)“andbythattimemymotherwouldbewornoutwithgriefandanxietyandIcouldnotsucceedinkeepingherincomfortwhilemysister……well,mysistermightwellhavefaredworse!Andit"sahardthingtopasseverythingbyallone"slife,toturnone"sbackuponeverything,toforgetone"smotheranddecorouslyaccepttheinsultsinflictedonone"ssister。Whyshouldone?Whenonehasburiedthemtoburdenoneselfwithothers-
wifeandchildren-andtoleavethemagainwithoutafarthing?SoI
resolvedtogainpossessionoftheoldwoman"smoneyandtouseitformyfirstyearswithoutworryingmymother,tokeepmyselfattheuniversityandforalittlewhileafterleavingit-andtodothisallonabroad,thoroughscale,soastobuildupacompletelynewcareerandenteruponanewlifeofindependence……Well……that"sall……Well,ofcourseinkillingtheoldwomanIdidwrong……Well,that"senough。“
Hestruggledtotheendofhisspeechinexhaustionandlethisheadsink。
“Oh,that"snotit,that"snotit,“Soniacriedindistress。“Howcouldone……no,that"snotright,notright。“
“Youseeyourselfthatit"snotright。ButI"vespokentruly,it"sthetruth。“
“Asthoughthatcouldbethetruth!GoodGod！”
“I"veonlykilledalouse,Sonia,auseless,loathsome,harmfulcreature。“
“Ahumanbeing-alouse！”
“Itooknowitwasn"talouse,“heanswered,lookingstrangelyather。“ButIamtalkingnonsense,Sonia,“headded。“I"vebeentalkingnonsensealongtime……That"snotit,youarerightthere。
Therewerequite,quiteothercausesforit!Ihaven"ttalkedtoanyoneforsolong,Sonia……Myheadachesdreadfullynow。“
Hiseyesshonewithfeverishbrilliance。Hewasalmostdelirious;anuneasysmilestrayedonhislips。Histerribleexhaustioncouldbeseenthroughhisexcitement。Soniasawhowhewassuffering。Shetoowasgrowingdizzy。Andhetalkedsostrangely;itseemedsomehowcomprehensible,butyet……“Buthow,how!GoodGod！”Andshewrungherhandsindespair。
“No,Sonia,that"snotit,“hebeganagainsuddenly,raisinghishead,asthoughanewandsuddentrainofthoughthadstruckandasitwererousedhim-“that"snotit!Better……imagine-yes,it"scertainlybetter-imaginethatIamvain,envious,malicious,base,vindictiveand……well,perhapswithatendencytoinsanity。(Let"shaveitalloutatonce!They"vetalkedofmadnessalready,I
noticed。)ItoldyoujustnowIcouldnotkeepmyselfattheuniversity。ButdoyouknowthatperhapsImighthavedone?MymotherwouldhavesentmewhatIneededforthefeesandIcouldhaveearnedenoughforclothes,bootsandfood,nodoubt。Lessonshadturnedupathalfarouble。Razumihinworks!ButIturnedsulkyandwouldn"t。(Yes,sulkiness,that"stherightwordforit!)Isatinmyroomlikeaspider。You"vebeeninmyden,you"veseenit……Anddoyouknow,Sonia,thatlowceilingsandtinyroomscrampthesoulandthemind?Ah,howIhatedthatgarret!AndyetIwouldn"tgooutofit!Iwouldn"tonpurpose!Ididn"tgooutfordaystogether,andI
wouldn"twork,Iwouldn"teveneat,Ijustlaytheredoingnothing。IfNastasyabroughtmeanything,Iateit,ifshedidn"t,Iwentalldaywithout;Iwouldn"task,onpurpose,fromsulkiness!AtnightI
hadnolight,IlayinthedarkandIwouldn"tearnmoneyforcandles。
Ioughttohavestudied,butIsoldmybooks;andthedustliesaninchthickonthenotebooksonmytable。Ipreferredlyingstillandthinking。AndIkeptthinking……AndIhaddreamsallthetime,strangedreamsofallsorts,noneedtodescribe!OnlythenIbegantofancythat……No,that"snotit!AgainIamtellingyouwrong!YouseeIkeptaskingmyselfthen：whyamIsostupidthatifothersarestupid-andIknowtheyare-yetIwon"tbewiser?ThenIsaw,Sonia,thatifonewaitsforeveryonetogetwiseritwilltaketoolong……AfterwardsIunderstoodthatthatwouldnevercometopass,thatmenwon"tchangeandthatnobodycanalteritandthatit"snotworthwastingeffortoverit。Yes,that"sso。That"sthelawoftheirnature,Sonia,……that"sso!……AndIknownow,Sonia,thatwhoeverisstronginmindandspiritwillhavepoweroverthem。Anyonewhoisgreatlydaringisrightintheireyes。Hewhodespisesmostthingswillbealawgiveramongthemandhewhodaresmostofallwillbemostintheright!Soithasbeentillnowandsoitwillalwaysbe。Amanmustbeblindnottoseeit！”