第13章

Meggie’sdoorwaswideopen，morelightwellingthroughit；blockingtheraysforamoment，heshutherdoorbehindhimandlockedit。ShehaddonnedaloosewrapperandwassittinginachairbythewindowlookingoutacrosstheinvisibleHomePaddock，butherheadturnedtowatchhimwalktothebed，sitonitsedge。Slowlyshegotupandcametohim。

"Here，I’llhelpyougetyourbootsoff。That’sthereasonIneverwearkneeonesmyself。Ican’tgetthemoffwithoutajack，andajackruinsgoodboots。"

"Didyouwearthatcolordeliberately，Meggie？""Ashesofroses？"Shesmiled。"It’salwaysbeenmyfavoritecolor。Itdoesn’tclashwithmyhair。"

Heputonefootonherbacksidewhileshepulledabootoff，thenchangeditforthebarefoot。

"WereyousosureI’dcometoyou，Meggie？"

"Itoldyou。OnDroghedayou’remine。Hadyounotcometome，I’dhavegonetoyou，makenomistake。"Shedrewhisshirtoverhishead，andforamomentherhandrestedwithluxurioussensitivityonhisbareback，thenshewentacrosstothelampandturneditout，whilehedrapedhisclothesoverachairback。Hecouldhearhermovingabout，sheddingherwrapper。AndtomorrowmorningI’llsayMass。Butthat’stomorrowmorning，andthemagichaslonggone。Thereisstillthenight，andMeggie。Ihavewantedher。She，too，isasacrament。

Danewasdisappointed。"Ithoughtyou’dweararedsoutane！"hesaid。"SometimesIdo，Dane，butonlywithinthewallsofthepalace。Outsideit，Iwearablacksoutanewitharedsash，likethis。"

"Doyoureallyhaveapalace？"

"Yes。"

"Isitfullofchandeliers？"

"Yes，butsoisDrogheda。"

"Oh，Drogheda！"saidDaneindisgust。"I’llbetoursarelittleonescomparedtoyours。I’dlovetoseeyourpalace，andyouinaredsoutane。"CardinalRalphsmiled。"Whoknows，Dane？Perhapsonedayyouwill。"Theboyhadacuriousexpressionalwaysatthebackofhiseyes；adistantlook。WhenheturnedduringtheMass，CardinalRalphsawitreinforced，buthedidn’trecognizeit，onlyfeltitsfamiliarity。Nomanseeshimselfinamirrorashereallyis，noranywoman。

LuddieandAnneMuellerweredueinforChristmas，asindeedtheywereeveryyear。Thebighousewasfulloflight-heartedpeople，lookingforwardtothebestChristmasinyears；MinnieandCatsangtunelesslyastheyworked，Mrs。Smith’splumpfacewaswreathedinsmiles，MeggierelinquishedDanetoCardinalRalphwithoutcomment，andFeeseemedmuchhappier，lessgluedtoherdesk。Themenseizeduponanyexcusetomakeitbackineachnight，forafteralatedinnerthedrawingroombuzzedwithconversation，andMrs。Smithhadtakentopreparingabedtimesuppersnackofmeltedcheeseontoast，hotbutteredcrumpetsandraisinscones。CardinalRalphprotestedthatsomuchgoodfoodwouldmakehimfat，butafterthreedaysofDroghedaair，DroghedapeopleandDroghedafood，heseemedtobesheddingtherathergaunt，haggardlookhehadwornwhenhearrived。

Thefourthdaycameinveryhot。CardinalRalphhadgonewithDanetobringinamobofsheep，Justinesulkedaloneinthepeppertree，andMeggieloungedonacushionedcanesetteeontheveranda。Herbonesfeltlimp，glutted，andshewasveryhappy。Awomancanlivewithoutitquitewellforyearsatastretch，butitwasnice，whenitwastheoneman。WhenshewaswithRalpheverypartofhercamealiveexceptthatpartwhichbelongedtoDane；thetroublewas，whenshewaswithDaneeverypartofhercamealiveexceptthatwhichbelongedtoRalph。Onlywhenbothofthemwerepresentinherworldsimultaneously，asnow，didshefeelutterlycomplete。Well，itstoodtoreason。Danewasherson，butRalphwasherman。Yetonethingmarredherhappiness；Ralphhadn’tseen。Sohermouthremainedcloseduponhersecret。Ifhecouldn’tseeitforhimself，whyshouldshetellhim？Whathadheeverdone，toearnthetelling？ThathecouldthinkforamomentshehadgonebacktoLukewillinglywasthelaststraw。Hedidn’tdeservetobetold，ifhecouldthinkthatofher。SometimesshefeltFee’spale，ironiceyesuponher，andshewouldstareback，unperturbed。Feeunderstood，shereallydid。Understoodthehalf-hate，theresentment，thedesiretopaybackthelonelyyears。Offchasingrainbows，thatwasRalphdeBricassart；andwhyshouldshegifthimwiththemostexquisiterainbowofall，hisson？Lethimbedeprived。Lethimsuffer，neverknowinghesuffered。

ThephonerangitsDroghedacode；Meggielistenedidly，thenrealizinghermothermustbeelsewhere，shegotupreluctantlyandwenttoanswerit。"Mrs。FionaCleary，please，"saidaman’svoice。WhenMeggiecalledhername，Feereturnedtotakethereceiver。"FionaClearyspeaking，"shesaid，andasshestoodlisteningthecolorfadedgraduallyfromherface，makingitlookasithadlookedinthedaysafterPaddyandStudied；tinyandvulnerable。"Thankyou，"shesaid，andhungup。

"Whatisit，Mum？"

"Frank’sbeenreleased。He’scominguponthenightmailthisafternoon。"Shelookedatherwatch。"Imustleavesoon；it’saftertwo。"

"Letmecomewithyou，"Meggieoffered，sofilledwithherownhappinessshecouldn’tbeartoseehermotherdisappointed；shesensedthatthismeetingcouldn’tbepurejoyforFee。

"No，Meggie，I’llbeallright。Youtakecareofthingshere，andholddinneruntilIgetback。"

"Isn’titwonderful，Mum？Frank’scominghomeintimeforChristmas！""Yes，"saidFee，"itiswonderful。"

Noonetraveledonthenightmailthesedaysiftheycouldfly，sobythetimeithadhuffedthesixhundredmilesfromSydney，droppingitsmostlysecond-classpassengersatthissmalltownorthat，fewpeoplewerelefttobedisgorgedinGilly。

ThestationmasterhadanoddingacquaintancewithMrs。Clearybutwouldneverhavedreamedofengagingherinconversation，sohejustwatchedherdescendthewoodenstepsfromtheoverheadfootbridge，andleftheralonetostandstifflyonthehighplatform。Shewasastylisholdgirl，hethought；up-to-datedressandhat，high-heeledshoes，too。Goodfigure，notmanylinesonherfacereallyforanoldgirl；justwenttoshowwhattheeasylifeofagraziercoulddoforawoman。

SothatonthesurfaceFrankrecognizedhismothermorequicklythanshedidhim，thoughherheartknewhimatonce。Hewasfifty-twoyearsold，andtheyearsofhisabsencewerethosewhichhadcarriedhimfromyouthtomiddleage。ThemanwhostoodintheGillysunsetwastoothin，gauntalmost，verypale；hishairwascroppedhalfwayuphishead，heworeshapelessclotheswhichhungonaframestillhintingatpowerforallitssmallsize，andhiswell-shapedhandswereclampedonthebrimofagreyfelthat。Hewasn’tstoopedorill-looking，buthestoodhelplesslytwistingthathatbetweenhishandsandseemednottoexpectanyonetomeethim，nortoknowwhatnextheoughttodo。

Fee，controlled，walkedbrisklydowntheplatform。"Hello，Frank，"shesaid。

Heliftedtheeyeswhichusedtoflashandsparkleso，setnowinthefaceofanagingman。NotFrank’seyesatall。Exhausted，patient，intenselyweary。ButastheyabsorbedthesightofFeeanextraordinaryexpressioncameintothem，wounded，utterlydefenseless，filledwiththeappealofadyingman。

"Oh，Frank！"shesaid，andtookhiminherarms，rockinghisheadonhershoulder。"It’sallright，it’sallright，"shecrooned，andsofterstill，"It’sallright！"

Hesatslumpedandsilentinthecaratfirst，butastheRollspickedupspeedandheadedoutoftownhebegantotakeaninterestinhissurroundings，andglancedoutofthewindow。"Itlooksexactlythesame，"hewhispered。

"Iimagineitdoes。Timemovesslowlyouthere。"

Theycrossedtherumblingwooden-plankedbridgeoverthethin，muddyriverlinedwithweepingwillows，mostofitsbedexposedinatangleofrootsandgravel，poolslyinginstillbrownpatches，gumtreesgrowingeverywhereinthestonywastes。

"TheBarwon，"hesaid。"IneverthoughtI’dseeitagain。"

Behindthemroseanenormouscloudofdust，infrontofthemtheroadspedstraightasaperspectiveexerciseacrossagreatgrassyplaindevoidoftrees。

"Theroad’snew，Mum？"Heseemeddesperatetofindconversation，makethesituationappearnormal。

"Yes，theyputitthroughfromGillytoMilparinkajustafterthewarended。"

"Theymighthavesealeditwithabitoftarinsteadofleavingitthesameolddirt。"

"Whatfor？We’reusedtoeatingdustouthere，andthinkoftheexpenseofmakingabedstrongenoughtoresistthemud。Thenewroadisstraight，theykeepitwellgradedanditcutoutthirteenofourtwenty-sevengates。OnlyfourteenleftbetweenGillyandthehomestead，andjustyouwaitandseewhatwe’vedonetothem，Frank。Nomoreopeningandclosinggates。"TheRollsranuparamptowardasteelgatewhichliftedlazily；themomentthecarpassedunderitandgotafewyardsdownthetrack，thegatelowereditselfclosed。

"Wondersnevercease！"saidFrank。

"Wewerethefirststationaroundheretoinstalltheautomaticrampgates——onlybetweentheMilparinkaroadandthehomestead，ofcourse。Thepaddockgatesstillhavetobeopenedandclosedbyhand。"

"Well，Ireckontheblokethatinventedthesegatesmusthaveopenedandclosedalotinhistime，eh？"Frankgrinned；itwasthefirstsignofamusementhehadshown。

Butthenhefellsilent，sohismotherconcentratedonherdriving，unwillingtopushhimtooquickly。WhentheypassedunderthelastgateandenteredtheHomePaddock，hegasped。

"I’dforgottenhowlovelyitis，"hesaid。

"It’shome，"saidFee。"We’velookedafterit。"

ShedrovetheRollsdowntothegaragesandthenwalkedwithhimbacktothebighouse，onlythistimehecarriedhiscasehimself。"Wouldyouratherhavearoominthebighouse，Frank，oraguesthousealltoyourself？"hismotherasked。

"I’lltakeaguesthouse，thanks。"Theexhaustedeyesrestedonherface。"Itwillbenicetobeabletogetawayfrompeople，"heexplained。Thatwastheonlyreferenceheevermadetoconditionsinjail。"Ithinkitwillbebetterforyou，"shesaid，leadingthewayintoherdrawingroom。"Thebighouseisprettyfullatthemoment，whatwiththeCardinalhere，DaneandJustinehome，andLuddieandAnneMuellerarrivingthedayaftertomorrowforChristmas。"Shepulledthebellcordforteaandwentquicklyroundtheroomlightingthekerosenelamps。"LuddieandAnneMueller？"heasked。

Shestoppedintheactofturningupawick，lookedathim。"It’sbeenalongtime，Frank。TheMuellersarefriendsofMeggie’s。"Thelamptrimmedtohersatisfaction，shesatdowninherwingchair。"We’llhavedinnerinanhour，butfirstwe’llhaveacupoftea。Ihavetowashthedustoftheroadoutofmymouth。"

Frankseatedhimselfawkwardlyontheedgeofoneofthecreamsilkottomans，gazingattheroominawe。"ItlookssodifferentfromthedaysofAuntieMary。"

Feesmiled。"Well，Ithinkso，"shesaid。

ThenMeggiecamein，anditwashardertoassimilatethefactofMeggiegrownintoamaturewomanthantoseehismotherold。Ashissisterhuggedandkissedhimheturnedhisfaceaway，shrankinsidehisbaggycoatandsearchedbeyondhertohismother，whosatlookingathimasiftosay:Itdoesn’tmatter，itwillallseemnormalsoon，justgiveittime。Aminutelater，whilehewasstillsearchingforsomethingtosaytothisstranger，Meggie’sdaughtercamein；atall，skinnyyounggirlwhosatdownstiffly，herbighandspleatingfoldsinherdress，herlighteyesfixedfirstononeface，thenonanother。Meggie’ssonenteredwiththeCardinalandwenttositonthefloorbesidehissister，abeautiful，calmlyaloofboy。

"Frank，thisismarvelous，"saidCardinalRalph，shakinghimbythehand，thenturningtoFeewithhisleftbrowraised。"Acupoftea？Verygoodidea。"

TheClearymencameintotheroomtogether，andthatwasveryhard，fortheyhadn’tforgivenhimatall。Frankknewwhy；itwasthewayhehadhurttheirmother。Buthedidn’tknowofanythingtosaywhichwouldmakethemunderstandanyofit，norcouldhetellthemofthepain，theloneliness，orbegforgiveness。Theonlyone。whoreallymatteredwashismother，andshehadneverthoughttherewasanythingtoforgive。ItwastheCardinalwhotriedtoholdtheeveningtogether，wholedtheconversationroundthedinnertableandthenafterwardbackinthedrawingroom，chattingwithdiplomaticeaseandmakingaspecialpointofincludingFrankinthegathering。

"Bob，I’vemeanttoaskyoueversinceIarrivedwherearetherabbits？"theCardinalasked。"I’veseenmillionsofburrows，butnaryarabbit。""Therabbitsarealldead，"Bobanswered。

"Dead？"

"That’sright，fromsomethingcalledmyxomatosis。Betweentherabbitsandthedroughtyears，Australiawasjustaboutfinishedasaprimaryproducingnationbynineteenforty-seven。Weweredesperate，"saidBob，warmingtohisthemeandgratefultohavesomethingtodiscusswhichwouldexcludeFrank。

AtwhichpointFrankunwittinglyantagonizedhisnextbrotherbysaying，"Iknewitwasbad，butnotasbadasallthat。"Hesatback，hopinghehadpleasedtheCardinalbycontributinghismitetothediscussion。"Well，I’mnotexaggerating，believeme！"saidBobtartly；howwouldFrankknow？

"Whathappened？"theCardinalaskedquickly。

"TheyearbeforelasttheCommonwealthScientificandIndustrialResearchOrganizationstartedanexperimentalprograminVictoria，infectingrabbitswiththisvirusthingthey’dbred。I’mnotsurewhatavirusis，exceptIthinkit’sasortofgerm。Anyway，theycalledtheirsthemyxomatosisvirus。Atfirstitdidn’tseemtospreadtoowell，thoughwhatbunniescaughtitalldied。Butaboutayearaftertheexperimentalinfectionitbegantospreadlikewildfire，theythinkmosquito-borne，butsomethingtodowithsaffronthistleaswell。Andthebunnieshavediedinmillionsandmillionseversince，it’sjustwipedthemout。You’llsometimesseeafewsickiesaroundwithhugelumpsallovertheirfaces，veryugly-lookingthings。Butit’samarvelouspieceofwork，Ralph，itreallyis。Nothingelsecancatchmyxomatosis，evencloserelatives。SothankstotheblokesattheCSIRO，therabbitplagueisnomore。"

CardinalRalphstaredatFrank。"Doyourealizewhatitis，Frank？Doyou？"PoorFrankshookhishead，wishingeveryonewouldlethimretreatintoanonymity。

"Mass-scalebiologicalwarfare。IwonderdoestherestoftheworldknowthatrighthereinAustraliabetween1949and1952aviruswarwaswagedagainstapopulationoftrillionsupontrillions，andsucceededinobliteratingit？Well！It’sfeasible，isn’tit？Notsimplyyellowjournalismatall，butscientificfact。Theymayaswellburytheiratombombsandhydrogenbombs。Iknowithadtobedone，itwasabsolutelynecessary，

andit’sprobablytheworld’smostunsungmajorscientificachievement。Butit’sterrifying，too。"

Danehadbeenfollowingtheconversationclosely。"Biologicalwarfare？I’veneverheardofit。Whatisitexactly，Ralph？"

"Thewordsarenew，Dane，butI’mapapaldiplomatandthepityofitisthatImustkeepabreastofwordslike"biologicalwarfare。"Inanutshell，thetermmeansmyxomatosis。Breedingagermcapableofspecificallykillingandmaimingonlyonekindoflivingbeing。"

QuiteunselfconsciouslyDanemadetheSignoftheCross，andleanedbackagainstRalphdeBricassart’sknees。"Wehadbetterpray，hadn’twe？"TheCardinallookeddownonhisfairhead，smiling。

ThateventuallyFrankmanagedtofitintoDroghedalifeatallwasthankstoFee，whointhefaceofstiffmaleClearyoppositioncontinuedtoactasifheroldestsonhadbeengonebutashortwhile，andhadneverbroughtdisgraceonhisfamilyorbitterlyhurthismother。Quietlyandinconspicuouslysheslippedhimintothenicheheseemedtowanttooccupy，removedfromherothersons；nordidsheencouragehimtoregainsomeofthevitalityofotherdays。Forithadallgone；shehadknownitthemomenthelookedatherontheGillystationplatform。Swallowedupbyanexistencethenatureofwhichherefusedtodiscusswithher。Themostshecoulddoforhimwastomakehimashappyaspossible，andsurelythewaytodothatwastoacceptthenowFrankasthealwaysFrank。

Therewasnoquestionofhisworkingthepaddocks，forhisbrothersdidn’twanthim，nordidhewantakindoflifehehadalwayshated。Thesightofgrowingthingspleasedhim，soFeeputhimtopotterinthehomesteadgardens，lefthiminpeace。AndgraduallytheClearymengrewusedtohavingFrankbackinthefamilybosom，begantounderstandthatthethreatFrankusedtorepresenttotheirownwelfarewasquiteempty。

Nothingwouldeverchangewhattheirmotherfeltforhim，itdidn’tmatterwhetherhewasinjailoronDrogheda，shewouldstillfeelit。TheimportantthingwasthattohavehimonDroghedamadeherhappy。Hedidn’tintrudeupontheirlives，hewasnomoreornolessthanalways。YetforFeeitwasn’tajoytohaveFrankhomeagain；howcoulditbe？Seeinghimeverydaywassimplyadifferentkindofsorrowfromnotbeingabletoseehimatall。Theterriblegriefofhavingtowitnessaruinedlife，aruinedman。Whowashermostbelovedson，andmusthaveenduredagoniesbeyondherimagination。

OnedayafterFrankhadbeenhomeaboutsixmonths，MeggiecameintothedrawingroomtofindhermothersittinglookingthroughthebigwindowstowhereFrankwasclippingthegreatbankofrosesalongsidethedrive。Sheturnedaway，andsomethinginhercalmlyarrangedfacesentMeggie’shandsuptoherheart。

"Oh，Mum！"shesaidhelplessly。

Feelookedather，shookherheadandsmiled。"Itdoesn’tmatter，Meggie，"shesaid。

"IfonlytherewassomethingIcoulddo！"

"Thereis。Justcarryonthewayyouhavebeen。I’mverygrateful。You’vebecomeanally。"

six

1954-1965Dane

"Well，"saidJustinetohermother，"I’vedecidedwhatI’mgoingtodo。""Ithoughtitwasalreadydecided。ArtsatSydneyUniversity，isn’tthatright？"

"Oh，thatwasjustaredherringtolullyouintoafalsesenseofsecuritywhileImademyplans。Butnowit’sallset，soIcantellyou。"Meggie’sheadcameupfromhertask，cuttingfir-treeshapesincookiedough；Mrs。Smithwasillandtheywerehelpingoutinthecookhouse。Sheregardedherdaughterwearily，impatiently，helplessly。WhatcouldonedowithsomeonelikeJustine？IfsheannouncedshewasgoingofftotrainasawhoreinaSydneybordello，Meggieverymuchdoubtedwhethershecouldbeturnedaside。Dear，horribleJustine，queenamongjuggernauts。

"Goon，I’mallagog，"shesaid，andwentbacktoproducingcookies。"I’mgoingtobeanactress。"

"Awhat？"

"Anactress。"

"GoodLord！"Thefirtreeswereabandonedagain。"Look，Justine，IhatetobeaspoilsportandtrulyIdon’tmeantohurtyourfeelings，butdoyouthinkyou’re-well，quitephysicallyequippedtobeanactress？""Oh，Mum！"saidJustine，disgusted。"Notafilmstar；anactress！Idon’twanttowigglemyhipsandstickoutmybreastsandpoutmywetlips！Iwanttoact。"Shewaspushingchunksofdefattedbeefintothecorningbarrel。"IhaveenoughmoneytosupportmyselfduringwhateversortoftrainingIchoose，isn’tthatright？"

"Yes，thankstoCardinaldeBricassart。"

"Thenit’sallsettled。I’mgoingtostudyactingwithAlbertJonesattheCullodenTheater，andI’vewrittentotheRoyalAcademyofDramaticArtinLondon，askingthatIbeputontheirwaitinglist。"

"Areyouquitesure，Jussy？"

"Quitesure。I’veknownforalongtime。"Thelastpieceofbloodybeefwastuckeddownunderthesurfaceofthecorningsolution；Justineputthelidonthebarrelwithathump。"There！IhopeIneverseeanotherbitofcornedbeefaslongasIlive。"

Meggiehandedheracompletedtrayofcookies。"Puttheseintheoven，wouldyou？Fourhundreddegrees。Imustsaythiscomesassomethingofasurprise。Ithoughtlittlegirlswhowantedtobeactressesroleplayedconstantly，buttheonlypersonI’veeverseenyouplayhasbeenyourself。""Oh，Mum！Thereyougoagain，confusingfilmstarswithactresses。Honestly，you’rehopeless。"

"Well，aren’tfilmstarsactresses？"

"Ofaveryinferiorsort。Unlessthey’vebeenonthestagefirst，thatis。Imean，evenLaurenceOlivierdoesanoccasionalfilm。"

TherewasanautographedpictureofLaurenceOlivieronJustine’sdressingtable；Meggiehadsimplydeemeditjuvenilecrushstuff，thoughatthetimesherememberedthinkingatleastJustinehadtaste。ThefriendsshesometimesbroughthomewithhertostayafewdaysusuallytreasuredpicturesofTabHunterandRoryCalhoun。"Istilldon’tunderstand，"saidMeggie，shakingherhead。"Anactress！"Justineshrugged。"Well，whereelsecanIscreamandyellandhowlbutonastage？I’mnotallowedtodoanyofthosehere，oratschool，oranywhere！Ilikescreamingandyellingandhowling，dammit！""Butyou’resogoodatart，Jussy！Whynotbeanartist？"Meggiepersevered。

Justineturnedfromthehugegasstove，flickedherfingeragainstacylindergauge。"Imusttellthekitchenrouseabouttochangebottles；we’relow。It’lldofortoday，though。"ThelighteyessurveyedMeggiewithpity。"You’resoimpractical，Mum，really。Ithoughtitwassupposedtobethechildrenwhodidn’tstoptoconsideracareer’spracticalaspects。Letmetellyou，Idon’twanttostarvetodeathinagarretandbefamousafterI’mdead。IwanttoenjoyabitoffamewhileI’mstillalive，andbeverycomfortablefinancially。SoI’llpaintasahobbyandactforaliving。How’sthat？"

"You’vegotanincomefromDrogheda，Jussy，"Meggiesaiddesperately，breakinghervowtoremainsilentnomatterwhat。"Itwouldnevercometostarvinginagarret。Ifyou’dratherpaint，it’sallright。Youcan。"Justinelookedalert，interested。"HowmuchhaveIgot，Mum？""Enoughthatifyoupreferred，youneedneverworkatanything。""Whatabore！I’denduptalkingonthetelephoneandplayingbridge；atleastthat’swhatthemothersofmostofmyschoolfriendsdo。BecauseI’dbelivinginSydney，notonDrogheda。IlikeSydneymuchbetterthanDrogheda。"Agleamofhopeenteredhereye。"DoIhaveenoughtopaytohavemyfrecklesremovedwiththisnewelectricaltreatment？"

"Ishouldthinkso。Butwhy？"

"Becausethensomeonemightseemyface，that’swhy。"

Ithoughtlooksdidn’tmattertoanactress？"

"Enough’senough，Mum。Myfrecklesareapain。"

"Areyousureyouwouldn’tratherbeanartist？""Quitesure，thankyou。"Shedidalittledance。"I’mgoingtotreadtheboards，Mrs。Worthington！"

"HowdidyougetyourselfintotheCulloden？""Iauditioned。"

"Andtheytookyou？"

"Yourfaithinyourdaughteristouching，Mum。Ofcoursetheytookme！I’msuperb，youknow。OnedayIshallbeveryfamous。"

Meggiebeatgreenfoodcoloringintoabowlofrunnyicingandbegantodrizzleitoveralreadybakedfirtrees。"Isitimportanttoyou，Justine？Fame？"

"Ishouldsayso。"Shetippedsugarinontopofbuttersosoftithadmoldeditselftotheinnercontoursofthebowl；inspiteofthegasstoveinsteadofthewoodstove，thecookhousewasveryhot。"I’mabsolutelyiron-bounddeterminedtobefamous。"

"Don’tyouwanttogetmarried？"

Justinelookedscornful。"Notbloodylikely！Spendmylifewipingsnottynosesandcackybums？Salaamingtosomemannothalfmyequaleventhoughhethinkshe’sbetter？Hohoho，notme！"

"Honestly，you’rethedizzylimit！Wheredoyoupickupyourlanguage？"Justinebegancrackingeggsrapidlyanddeftlyintoabasin，usingonehand。"Atmyexclusiveladies"college，ofcourse。"ShedrubbedtheeggsunmercifullywithaFrenchwhisk。"Wewerequiteadecentbunchofgirls，actually。Verycultured。Itisn’teverygaggleofsillyadolescentfemalescanappreciatethedelicacyofaLatinlimerick:

TherewasaRomanfromVinidiumWhoseshirtwasmadeofiridium；

Whenaskedwhythevest，Hereplied，"IdestBonumsanguinempraesidium。"

Meggie’slipstwitched。"I’mgoingtohatemyselfforasking，butwhatdidtheRomansay？"was"It’sabloodygoodprotection。"his

"Isthatall？Ithoughtitwasgoingtobealotworse。Yousurpriseme。Butgettingbacktowhatweweresaying，deargirl，inspiteofyourneatefforttochangethesubject，what’swrongwithmarriage？"Justineimitatedhergrandmother’sraresnortofironiclaughter。"Mum！Really！You’reafineonetoaskthat，Imustsay。"

Meggiefeltthebloodwellupunderherskin，andlookeddownatthetrayofbright-greentrees。"Don’tbeimpertinent，evenifyouarearipeoldseventeen。"

"Isn’titodd？"Justineaskedthemixingbowl。"Theminuteoneventuresontostrictlyparentalterritory，onebecomesimpertinent。Ijustsaid:You’reafineonetoask。Perfectlytrue，dammit！I’mnotnecessarilyimplyingyou’reafailure，orasinner，orworse。ActuallyIthinkyou’veshownremarkablegoodsense，dispensingwithyourhusband。Whathaveyouneededonefor？There’sbeentonsofmaleinfluenceforyourchildrenwiththeUnksaround，you’vegotenoughmoneytoliveon。Iagreewithyou！Marriageisforthebirds。"

"You’rejustlikeyourfather！"

"Anotherevasion。WheneverIdispleaseyou，Ibecomejustlikemyfather。Well，I’llhavetotakeyourwordforthat，sinceI’veneverlaideyesonthegentleman。"

"Whenareyouleaving？"Meggieaskeddesperately。Justinegrinned。"Can’twaittogetridofme，eh？It’sallright，Mum，Idon’tblameyouintheleast。ButIcan’thelpit，Ijustloveshockingpeople，especiallyyou。Hewabouttakingmeintothe’drometomorrow？""Makeitthedayafter。TomorrowI’lltakeyoutothebank。You’dbetterknowhowmuchyou’vegot。And，Justine……"Justinewasaddingflourandfoldingexpertly，butshelookedupatthechangeinhermother’svoice。"Yes。

"Ifeveryou’reintrouble，comehome，please。We’vealwaysgotroomforyouonDrogheda，Iwantyoutorememberthat。Nothingyoucouldeverdowouldbesobadyoucouldn’tcomehome。"

Justine’sgazesoftened。"Thanks，Mum。You’renotabadoldstickunderneath，areyou？"

"Old？"gaspedMeggie。"Iamnotold！I’monlyforty-three！""GoodLord，asmuchasthat？"

MeggiehurledacookieandhitJustineonthenose。"Oh，youwretch！"shelaughed。"Whatamonsteryouare！NowIfeellikeahundred。"

Herdaughtergrinned。

AtwhichmomentFeewalkedintoseehowthingsinthecookhouseweregoing；Meggiehailedherarrivalwithrelief。

"Mum，doyouknowwhatJustinejusttoldme？"Fee’seyeswerenolongeruptoanythingbeyondtheuttermosteffortofkeepingthebooks，butthemindatbackofthosesmudgedpupilswasasacuteasever。

"HowcouldIpossiblyknowwhatJustinejusttoldyou？"sheinquiredmildly，regardingthegreencookieswithaslightshudder。"BecausesometimesitstrikesmethatyouandJussyhavelittlesecretsfromme，andnow，themomentmydaughterfinishestellingmehernews，inyouwalkwhenyouneverdo。"

"Mmmmmm，atleasttheytastebetterthantheylook，"commentedFee，nibbling。"Iassureyou，Meggie，Idon’tencourageyourdaughtertoconspirewithmebehindyourback。Whathaveyoudonetoupsettheapplecartnow，Justine？"sheasked，turningtowhereJustinewaspouringherspongemixtureintogreasedandflouredtins。"ItoldMumIwasgoingtobeanactress，Nanna，that’sall。""That’sall，eh？Isittrue，oronlyoneofyourdubiousjokes？""Oh，it’strue。I’mstartingattheCulloden。"

"Well，well，well！"saidFee，leaningagainstthetableandsurveyingherowndaughterironically。"Isn’titamazinghowchildrenhavemindsoftheirown，Meggie？"

Meggiedidn’tanswer。

"Doyoudisapprove，Nanna？"Justinegrowled，readytodobattle。"I？Disapprove？It’snoneofmybusinesswhatyoudowithyourlife，Justine。Besides，Ithinkyou’llmakeagoodactress。"

"Youdo？"gaspedMeggie。

"Ofcourseshewill，"saidFee。"Justine’snotthesorttochooseunwisely，areyou，mygirl？"

"No。"Justinegrinned，pushingadampcurloutofhereye。Meggiewatchedherregardinghergrandmotherwithanaffectionsheneverseemedtoextendtohermother。

"You’reagoodgirl，Justine，"Feepronounced，andfinishedthecookieshehadstartedsounenthusiastically。"Notbadatall，butIwishyou’dicedtheminwhite。"

"Youcan’ticetreesinwhite，"Meggiecontradicted。"Ofcourseyoucanwhenthey’refirs；itmightbesnow，"hermothersaid。"Toolatenow，they’revomitgreen，"laughedJustine。"Justine！"

"Ooops！Sorry，Mum，didn’tmeantooffendyou。Ialwaysforgetyou’vegotaweakstomach。"

"Ihaven’tgotaweakstomach，"saidMeggie，exasperated。"Icametoseeiftherewasanychanceofacuppa，"

Feebrokein，pullingoutachairandsittingdown。"Putonthekettle，Justine，likeagoodgirl。"

Meggiesatdown，too。"DoyoureallythinkthiswillworkoutforJustine，Mum？"sheaskedanxiously。

"Whyshouldn’tit？"Feeanswered，watchinghergranddaughterattendingtothetearitual。

"Itmightbeapassingphase。"

"Isitapassingphase，Justine？"Feeasked。

"No，"Justinesaidtersely，puttingcupsandsaucersontheoldgreenkitchentable。

"Useaplateforthebiscuits，Justine，don’tputthemoutintheirbarrel，"saidMeggieautomatically，"andforpity’ssakedon’tdumpthewholemilkcanonthetable，putsomeinaproperafternoonteajug。""Yes，Mum，sorry，Mum，"Justineresponded，equallymechanically。"Can’tseethepointoffrillsinthekitchen。AllI’vegottodoisputwhateverisn’teatenbackwhereitcamefrom，andwashupacoupleofextradishes。""Justdoasyou’retold；it’ssomuchnicer。"

"Gettingbacktothesubject，"Feepursued，"Idon’tthinkthere’sanythingtodiscuss。It’smyopinionthatJustineoughttobeallowedtotry，andwillprobablydoverywell。"

"IwishIcouldbesosure，"saidMeggieglumly。"Haveyoubeenonaboutfameandglory，Justine？"hergrandmotherdemanded。"Theyenterthepicture，"saidJustine，puttingtheoldbrownkitchenteapotonthetabledefiantlyandsittingdowninahurry。"Nowdon’tcomplain，Mum；I’mnotmakingteainasilverpotforthekitchenandthat’sfinal。"

"Theteapotisperfectlyappropriate。"Meggiesmiled。"Oh，that’sgood！There’snothinglikeanicecupoftea，"sighedFee，sipping。"Justine，whydoyoupersistinputtingthingstoyourmothersobadly？Youknowitisn’taquestionoffameandfortune。It’saquestionofself，isn’tit？"

"Self，Nanna？"

"Ofcourse。Self。Actingiswhatyoufeelyouweremeanttodo，isn’tthatright？"

"Yes。"

"Thenwhycouldn’tyouhaveexplaineditsotoyourmother？Whyupsetherwithalotofflippantnonsense？"

Justineshrugged，drankherteadownandpushedtheemptycuptowardhermotherformore。"Dunno，"shesaid。

"I-dont-know，"Feecorrected。"You’llarticulateproperlyonthestage，Itrust。Butselfiswhyyouwanttobeanactress，isn’tit？""Isupposeso，"answeredJustinereluctantly。"Oh，thatstubborn，pigheadedClearypride！Itwillbeyourdownfall，too，Justine，unlessyoulearntoruleit。Thatstupidfearofbeinglaughedat，orhelduptosomesortofridicule。ThoughwhyyouthinkyourmotherwouldbesocruelIdon’tknow。"ShetappedJustineonthebackofherhand。"Givealittle，Justine；cooperate。"

ButJustineshookherheadandsaid，"Ican’t。"

Feesighed。"Well，forwhatearthlygooditwilldoyou，child，youhavemyblessingonyourenterprise。"

"Ta，Nanna，Iappreciateit。"

"ThenkindlyshowyourappreciationinaconcretefashionbyfindingyouruncleFrankandtellinghimthere’steainthekitchen，please。"Justinewentoff，andMeggiestaredatFee。

"Mum，you’reamazing，youreallyare。"

Feesmiled。"Well，youhavetoadmitInevertriedtotellanyofmychildrenwhattodo。"

"No，youneverdid，"saidMeggietenderly。"Wedidappreciateit，too。"

ThefirstthingJustinedidwhenshearrivedbackinSydneywasbegintohaveherfrecklesremoved。Notaquickprocess，unfortunately；shehadsomanyitwouldtakeabouttwelvemonths，andthenshewouldhavetostayoutofthesunfortherestofherlife，ortheywouldcomeback。Thesecondthingshedidwastofindherselfanapartment，nomeanfeatinSydneyatthattime，whenpeoplebuiltprivatehomesandregardedlivingenmasseinbuildingsasanathema。Buteventuallyshefoundatwo-roomfiatinNeutralBay，inoneofthehugeoldwatersideVictorianmansionswhichhadfallenonhardtimesandbeenmadeoverintodingysemi-apartments。Therentwasfivepoundstenshillingsaweek，outrageousconsideringthatthebathroomandkitchenwerecommunal，sharedbyallthetenants:However，Justinewasquitesatisfied。Thoughshehadbeenwelltraineddomestically，shehadfewhomemakerinstincts。

LivinginBothwellGardenswasmorefascinatingthanheractingapprenticeshipattheCulloden，wherelifeseemedtoconsistinskulkingbehindsceneryandwatchingotherpeoplerehearse，gettinganoccasionalwalk-on，memorizingmassesofShakespeare，ShawandSheridan。IncludingJustine’s，BothwellGardenshadsixflats，plusMrs。Devinethelandlady。Mrs。Devinewasasixty-five-year-oldLondonerwithadolefulsniff，protrudingeyesandagreatcontemptforAustraliaandAustralians，thoughshewasn’taboverobbingthem。Herchiefconcerninlifeseemedtobehowmuchgasandelectricitycost，andherchiefweaknesswasJustine’snext-doorneighbor，ayoungEnglishmanwhoexploitedhisnationalitycheerfully。

"Idon’tmindgivingtheoldduckanoccasionalticklewhilewereminisce，"hetoldJustine。"Keepsheroffmyback，youknow。Yougirlsaren’tallowedtorunelectricradiatorseveninwinter，butIwasgivenoneandI’mallowedtorunitallsummeraswellifIfeellikeit。"

"Pig，"saidJustinedispassionately。

HisnamewasPeterWilkins，andhewasatravelingsalesman。"ComeinandI’llmakeyouanicecuppasometime，"hecalledafterher，rathertakenwiththosepale，intriguingeyes。Justinedid，carefulnottochooseatimewhenMrs。Devinewaslurkingjealouslyabout，andgotquiteusedtofightingPeteroff。TheyearsofridingandworkingonDroghedahadendowedherwithconsiderablestrength，andshewasuntroubledbyshibbolethslikehittingbelowthebelt。"Goddamnyou，Justine！"gaspedPeter，wipingthetearsofpainfromhiseyes。"Givein，girl！You’vegottoloseitsometime，youknow！Thisisn’tVictorianEngland，youaren’texpectedtosaveitformarriage。""Ihavenointentionofsavingitformarriage，"sheanswered，adjustingherdress。"I’mjustnotsurewho’sgoingtogetthehonor，that’sall。""You’renothingtowritehomeabout！"hesnappednastily；shehadreallyhurt。

"No，thatI’mnot。Sticksandstones，Pete。Youcan’thurtmewithwords。Andthereareplentyofmenwhowillshaganythingifit’savirgin。""Plentyofwomen，too！Watchthefrontflat。"

"Oh，Ido，Ido，"saidJustine。

Thetwogirlsinthefrontflatwerelesbians，andhadhailedJustine’sadventgleefullyuntiltheyrealizedshenotonlywasn’tinterested，shewasn’tevenintrigued。Atfirstshewasn’tquitesurewhattheywerehintingat，butaftertheyspelleditoutbaldlysheshruggedhershoulders，unimpressed。Thusafteraperiodofadjustmentshebecametheirsoundingboard，theirneutralconfidante，theirportinallstorms；shebailedBillieoutofjail，tookBobbietotheMaterhospitaltohaveherstomachpumpedoutafteraparticularlybadquarrelwithBillie，refusedtotakesideswitheitherofthemwhenPat，Also，GeorgieandRonniehoveinturnsonthehorizon。Itdidseemaveryinsecurekindofemotionallife，shethought。Menwerebadenough，butatleasttheyhadthespiceofintrinsicdifference。

SobetweentheCullodenandBothwellGardensandgirlsshehadknownfromKincoppaldays，Justinehadquitealotoffriends，andwasagoodfriendherself。Shenevertoldthemallhertroublesastheydidher；shehadDaneforthat，thoughwhatfewtroublessheadmittedtohavingdidn’tappeartopreyuponher。Thethingwhichfascinatedherfriendsthemostaboutherwasherextraordinaryself-discipline；asifshehadtrainedherselffrominfancynottoletcircumstancesaffectherwell-being。Ofchiefinteresttoeveryonecalledafriendwashow，whenandwithwhomJustinewouldfinallydecidetobecomeafulfilledwoman，butshetookhertime。

ArthurLestrangewasAlbertJones’smostdurablejuvenilelead，thoughhehadwistfullywavedgoodbyetohisfortiethbirthdaytheyearbeforeJustinearrivedattheCulloden。Hehadagoodbody，wasasteady，reliableactorandhisclean-cut，manlyfacewithitssurroundofyellowcurlswasalwayssuretoevokeaudienceapplause。Forthefirstyearhedidn’tnoticeJustine，whowasveryquietanddidexactlyasshewastold。Butattheendoftheyearherfreckletreatmentswerefinished，andshebegantostandoutagainstthesceneryinsteadofblendingintoit。

Minusthefrecklesandplusmakeuptodarkenherbrowsandlashes，shewasagood-lookinggirlinanelfin，understatedway。ShehadnoneofLukeO’neill’sarrestingbeauty，orhermother’sexquisiteness。Herfigurewaspassablethoughnotspectacular，atrifleonthethinside。Onlythevividredhaireverstoodout。Butonastageshewasquitedifferent；shecouldmakepeoplethinkshewasasbeautifulasHelenofTroyorasuglyasawitch。

Arthurfirstnoticedherduringateachingperiod，whenshewasrequiredtoreciteapassagefromConrad’sLordJimusingvariousaccents。Shewasextraordinary，really；hecouldfeeltheexcitementinAlbertJones，andfinallyunderstoodwhyAlsodevotedsomuchtimetoher。Abornmimic，butfarmorethanthat；shegavecharactertoeverywordshesaid。Andtherewasthevoice，awonderfulnaturalendowmentforanyactress，deep，husky，penetrating。

Sowhenhesawherwithacupofteainherhand，sittingwithabookopenonherknees，hecametositbesideher。

"Whatareyoureading？"

Shelookedup，smiled。"Proust。"

"Don’tyoufindhimalittledull？"

"Proustdull？Notunlessonedoesn’tcareforgossip，surely。That’swhatheis，youknow。Aterribleoldgossip。"

Hehadanuncomfortableconvictionthatshewasintellectuallypatronizinghim，butheforgaveher。Nomorethanextremeyouth。"IheardyoudoingtheConrad。Splendid。"

"Thankyou。"

"Perhapswecouldhavecoffeetogethersometimeanddiscussyourplans""Ifyoulike，"shesaid，returningtoProust。Hewasgladhehadstipulatedcoffee，ratherthandinner；hiswifekepthimonshortcommons，anddinnerdemandedadegreeofgratitudehecouldn’tbesureJustinewasreadytomanifest。However，hefollowedhiscasualinvitation。up，andboreherofftoadarklittleplaceinlowerElizabethStreet，wherehewasreasonablysurehiswifewouldn’tthinkoflookingforhim。

Inself-defenseJustinehadlearnedtosmoke，tiredofalwaysappearinggoody-goodyinrefusingofferedcigarettes。Aftertheywereseatedshetookherowncigarettesoutofherbag，anewpack，andpeeledthetopcellophanefromtheflip-topboxcarefully，makingsurethelargerpieceofcellophanestillsheathedthebulkofthepacket。Arthurwatchedherdeliberateness，amusedandinterested。

"Whyonearthgotosomuchtrouble？Justripitalloff，Justine。""Howuntidy！"

Hepickeduptheboxandstrokeditsintactshroudreflectively。"Now，ifIwasadiscipleoftheeminentSigmundFreud……"

"IfyouwereFreud，what？"Sheglancedup，sawthewaitressstandingbesideher。"Cappuccino，please。"

Itannoyedhimthatshegaveherownorder，butheletitpass，moreintentonpursuingthethoughtinhismind。"Vienna，please。Now，gettingbacktowhatIwassayingaboutFreud。Iwonderwhathe’dthinkofthis？Hemightsay……"

Shetookthepacketoffhim，openedit，removedacigaretteandlititherselfwithoutgivinghimtimetofindhismatches。"Well？""He’dthinkyoulikedtokeepmembranoussubstancesintact，wouldn’the？"Herlaughtergurgledthroughthesmokyair，causedseveralmaleheadstoturncuriously。"Wouldhenow？IsthataroundaboutwayofaskingmeifI’mstillavirgin，Arthur？"

Heclickedhistongue，exasperated。"Justine！IcanseethatamongotherthingsI’llhavetoteachyouthefineartofprevarication。"

"Amongwhatotherthings，Arthur？"Sheleanedherelbowsonthetable，eyesgleaminginthedimness。

"Well，whatdoyouneedtolearn？"

"I’mprettywelleducated，actually。"

"Ineverything？"

"Heavens，youdoknowhowtoemphasizewords，don’tyou？Verygood，Imustrememberhowyousaidthat。"

"Therearethingswhichcanonlybelearnedfromfirsthandexperience，"hesaidsoftly，reachingoutahandtotuckacurlbehindherear。"Really？I’vealwaysfoundobservationadequate。"

"Ah，butwhataboutwhenitcomestolove？"Heputadelicatedeepnessintotheword。"HowcanyouplayJulietwithoutknowingwhatloveis？""Agoodpoint。Iagreewithyou。""Haveyoueverbeeninlove？"

No。

"Doyouknowanythingaboutlove？"Thistimeheputthevocalforceon"anything，"ratherthan"love。"

"Nothingatall。"

"Ah！ThenFreudwouldhavebeenright，eh？"

Shepickeduphercigarettesandlookedattheirsheathedbox，smiling。"Insomethings，perhaps。"

Quicklyhegraspedthebottomofthecellophane，pulleditoffandhelditinhishand，dramaticallycrusheditanddroppeditintheashtray，whereitsqueakedandwrithed，expanded。"I’dliketoteachyouwhatbeingawomanis，ifImay。"

Foramomentshesaidnothing，intentontheanticsofthecellophaneintheashtray，thenshestruckamatchandcarefullysetfiretoit。"Whynot？"sheaskedthebriefflare。"Yes，whynot？"

"Shallitbeadivinethingofmoonlightandroses，passionatewooing，orshallitbeshortandsharp，likeanarrow？"hedeclaimed，handonheart。Shelaughed。"Really，Arthur！Ihopeit’slongandsharp，myself。Butnomoonlightandroses，please。Mystomach’snotbuiltforpassionatewooing。"Hestaredatheralittlesadly，shookhishead。"Oh，Justine！Everyone’sstomachisbuiltforpassionatewooing-evenyours，youcold-bloodedyoungvestal。Oneday，youwaitandsee。You’lllongforit。"

"Pooh！"Shegotup。"Comeon，Arthur，let’sgetthedeedoveranddonewithbeforeIchangemymind。"

"Now？Tonight？"。

"Whyonearthnot？I’vegotplentyofmoneyforahotelroom，ifyou’reshort。"

TheHotelMetropolewasn’tfaraway；theywalkedthroughthedrowsingstreetswithherarmtuckedcozilyinhis，laughing。Itwastoolatefordinersandtooearlyforthetheaterstobeout，sotherewerefewpeoplearound，justknotsofAmericansailorsoffavisitingtaskforce，andgroupsofyounggirlswindow-shoppingwithaneyetosailors。Noonetookanynoticeofthem，whichsuitedArthurfine。HepoppedintoachemistshopwhileJustinewaitedoutside，emergedbeaminghappily。

"Nowwe’reallset，mylove。"

"Whatdidyoubuy？Frenchletters？"

Hegrimaced。"Ishouldhopenot。AFrenchletter，nesslikecomingwrappedinapageoftheReader’sDigest-condensedtackiness。No，Igotyousomejelly。HowdoyouknowaboutFrenchletters，anyway？"

"AftersevenyearsinaCatholicboardingschool？Whatdoyouthinkwedid？Prayed？"Shegrinned。"Iadmitwedidn’tdomuch，butwetalkedaboutevery-thing。"

Mr。andMrs。Smithsurveyedtheirkingdom，whichwasn’tbadforaSydneyhotelroomofthatera。ThedaysoftheHiltonwerestilltocome。Itwasverylarge，andhadsuperbviewsoftheSydneyHarborBridge。Therewasnobathroom，ofcourse，buttherewasabasinandeweronamarble-toppedstand，afittingaccompanimenttotheenormousVictorianrelicsoffurniture。"Well，whatdoIdonow？"sheasked，pullingthecurtainsback。"It’sabeautifulview，isn’tit？"

"Yes。Astowhatyoudonow，youtakeyourpantsoff，ofcourse。""Anythingelse？"sheaskedmischievously。

Hesighed。"Takeitalloff，Justine！Ifyoudon’tfeelskinwithskinitisn’tnearlysogood。"

Neatlyandbrisklyshegotoutofherclothes，notascrapcoyly，clambereduponthebedandspreadherlegsapart。"Isthisright，Arthur？""GoodLord！"hesaid，foldinghistrouserscarefully；hiswifealwayslookedtoseeiftheywerecrushed。

"What？What’sthematter？"

"Youreallyarearedhead，aren’tyou？"

"Whatdidyouexpect，purplefeathers？"

"Facetiousnessdoesn’tsettherightmood，darling，sostopitthisinstant。"Hesuckedinhisbelly，turned，struttedtothebedandclimbedontoit，begandroppingexpertlittlekissesdownthesideofherface，herneck，overherleftbreast。"Mmmmmm，you’renice。"Hisarmswentaroundher。"There！Isn’tthisnice？"

"Isupposeso。Yes，itisquitenice。"

Silencefell，brokenonlybythesoundofkisses，occasionalmurmurs。Therewasahugeolddressingtableatthefarendofthebed，itsmirrorstilltiltedtoreflectlove’sarenabysomeeroticallymindedprevioustenant。"Putoutthelight，Arthur。"

"Darling，no！Lessonnumberone。There’snoaspectoflovewhichwon’tbearthelight。"

Havingdonethepreparatoryworkwithhisfingersanddepositedthejellywhereitwassupposedtobe，ArthurmanagedtogethimselfbetweenJustine’slegs。Abitsorebutquitecomfortable，ifnotliftedintoecstasyatleastfeelingrathermotherly，JustinelookedoverArthur’sshoulderandstraightdownthebedintothemirror。

Foreshortened，theirlegslookedweirdwithhisdarklymattedonessandwichedbetweenhersmoothdefreckledones；however，thebulkoftheimageinthemirrorconsistedofArthur’sbuttocks，andashemaneuveredtheyspreadandcontracted，hoppedupanddown，withtwoquiffsofyellowhairlikeDagwood’sjustpokingabovethetwinglobesandwavingathercheerfully。

Justinelooked；lookedagain。Shestuffedherfistagainsthermouthwildly，gurglingandmoaning。

"There，there，mydarling，it’sallright！I’vebrokenyoualready，soitcan’thurttoomuch，"hewhispered。

Herchestbegantoheave；hewrappedhisarmscloseraboutherandmurmuredinarticulateendearments。

Suddenlyherheadwentback，hermouthopenedinalong，agonizedwail，andbecamepealafterpealofuproariouslaughter。Andthemorelimplyfurioushegot，thehardershelaughed，pointingherfingerhelplesslytowardthefootofthebed，tearsstreamingdownherface。Herwholebodywasconvulsed，butnotquiteinthemannerpoorArthurhadenvisioned。

InmanywaysJustinewasalotclosertoDanethantheirmotherwas，andwhattheyfeltforMumbelongedtoMum。Itdidn’timpingeuponorclashwithwhattheyfeltforeachother。Thathadbeenforgedveryearly，andhadgrownratherthandiminished。BythetimeMumwasfreedfromherDroghedabondagetheywereoldenoughtobeatMrs。Smith’skitchentable，doingtheircorrespondencelessons；thehabitoffindingsolaceineachotherhadbeenestablishedforalltime。

Thoughtheywereverydissimilarincharacter，theyalsosharedmanytastesandappetites，andthosetheydidn’tsharetheytoleratedineachotherwithinstinctiverespect，asanecessaryspiceofdifference。Theykneweachotherverywellindeed。Hernaturaltendencywastodeplorehumanfailingsinothersandignoretheminherself；hisnaturaltendencywastounderstandandforgivehumanfailingsinothers，andbemercilessupontheminhimself。Shefeltherselfinvinciblystrong；heknewhimselfperilouslyweak。Andsomehowitallcametogetherasanearlyperfectfriendship，inthenameofwhichnothingwasimpossible。However，sinceJustinewasbyfarthemoretalkative，Danealwaysgottohearalotmoreaboutherandwhatshewasfeelingthantheotherwayaround。Insomerespectsshewasalittlebitofamoralimbecile，inthatnothingwassacred，andheunderstoodthathisfunctionwastoprovideherwiththescruplesshelackedwithinherself。ThusheacceptedhisroleofpassivelistenerwithatendernessandcompassionwhichwouldhaveirkedJustineenormouslyhadshesuspectedthem。

Notthatsheeverdid；shehadbeenbendinghisearaboutabsolutelyanythingandeverythingsincehewasoldenoughtopayattention。"GuesswhatIdidlastnight？"sheasked，carefullyadjustingherbigstrawhatsoherfaceandneckwerewellshaded。

"Actedinyourfirststarringrole，"Danesaid。"Prawn！AsifIwouldn’ttellyousoyoucouldbetheretoseeme。Guessagain。"

"FinallycoppedapunchBobbiemeantforBillie。"

"Coldasastepmother’sbreast。"

Heshruggedhisshoulders，bored。"Haven’taclue。"

TheyweresittingintheDomainonthegrass，justbelowtheGothicbulkofSaintMary’sCathedral。DanehadphonedtoletJustineknowhewascominginforaspecialceremonyinthecathedral，andcouldshemeethimforawhilefirstintheDom？Ofcourseshecould；shewasdyingtotellhimthelatestepisode。

AlmostfinishedhislastyearatRiverview，Danewascaptainoftheschool，captainofthecricketteam，theRugby，handballandtennisteams。Andduxofhisclassintothebargain。Atseventeenhewastwoinchesoversixfeet，hisvoicehadsettledintoitsfinalbaritone，andhehadmiraculouslyescapedsuchafflictionsaspimples，clumsinessandabobbingAdam’sapple。Becausehewassofairhewasn’treallyshavingyet，butineveryotherwayhelookedmorelikeayoungmanthanaschoolboy。OnlytheRiverviewuniformcategorizedhim。

Itwasawarm，sunnyday。Daneremovedhisstrawboaterschoolhatandstretchedoutonthegrass，Justinesittinghunchedbesidehim，herarmsaboutherkneestomakesureallexposedskinwasshaded。Heopenedonelazyblueeyeinherdirection。

"Whatdidyoudolastnight，Jus？"

"Ilostmyvirginity。AtleastIthinkIdid。"

Bothhiseyesopened。"You’reaprawn。"

"Pooh！Hightime，Isay。HowcanIhopetobeagoodactressifIdon’thaveacluewhatgoesonbetweenmenandwomen？""Yououghttosaveyourselfforthemanyoumarry。"

Herfacetwistedinexasperation。"Honestly，Dane，sometimesyou’resoarchaicI’membarrassed！SupposeIdon’tmeetthemanImarryuntilI’mforty？Whatdoyouexpectmetodo？Sitonitallthoseyears？Isthatwhatyou’regoingtodo，saveitformarriage？"

"Idon’tthinkI’mgoingtogetmarried。"

"Well，noram1。Inwhichcase，whytieablueribbonarounditandstickitinmynonexistenthopechest？Idon’twanttodiewondering。"Hegrinned。"Youcan’t，now。"Rollingoverontohisstomach，heproppedhischinonhishandandlookedathersteadily，hisfacesoft，concerned。"Wasitallright？Imean，wasitawful？Didyouhateit？"Herlipstwitched，remembering。"Ididn’thateit，atanyrate。Itwasn’tawful，either。Ontheotherhand，I’mafraidIdon’tseewhateveryoneravesabout。PleasantisasfarasI’mpreparedtogo。Anditisn’tasifIchosejustanyone；Iselectedsomeoneveryattractiveandoldenoughtoknowwhathewasdoing。"

Hesighed。"Youareaprawn，Justine。I’dhavebeenalothappiertohearyousay，"He’snotmuchtolookat，butwemetandIcouldn’thelpmyself。"Icanacceptthatyoudon’twanttowaituntilyou’remarried，butit’sstillsomethingyou’vegottowantbecauseoftheperson。Neverbecauseoftheact，Jus。I’mnotsurprisedyouweren’tecstatic。"

Allthegleefultriumphfadedfromherface。"Oh，damnyou，nowyou’vemademefeelawful！IfIdidn’tknowyoubetter，I’dsayyouweretryingtoputmedown-ormymotives，atanyrate。"

"Butyoudoknowmebetter，don’tyou？I’dneverputyoudown，butsometimesyourmotivesareplainthoughtlesslysilly。"Headoptedatolling，monotonousvoice。"Iamthevoiceofyourconscience，JustineO’neill。"

"Youare，too，youprawn。"Shadeforgotten，shefloppedbackonthegrassbesidehimsohecouldn’tseeherface。"Look，youknowwhy。Don’tyou？""Oh，Jussy，"hesaidsadly，butwhateverhewasgoingtoaddwaslost，forshespokeagain，alittlesavagely。

"I’mnever，never，nevergoingtoloveanyone！Ifyoulovepeople，theykillyou。Ifyouneedpeople，theykillyou。Theydo，Itellyou！"Italwayshurthim，thatshefeltleftoutoflove，andhurtmorethatheknewhimselfthecause。Iftherewasoneoverridingreasonwhyshewassoimportanttohim，itwasbecauseshelovedhimenoughtobearnogrudges，hadnevermadehimfeelamoment’slesseningofher’lovethroughjealousyorresentment。Tohim，itwasacruelfactthatshemovedonanoutercirclewhilehewastheveryhub。Hehadprayedandprayedthingswouldchange，buttheyneverdid。Whichhadn’tlessenedhisfaith，onlypointedouttohimwithfreshemphasisthatsomewhere，sometime，hewouldhavetopayfortheemotionsquanderedonhimatherexpense。Sheputagoodfaceonit，hadmanagedtoconvinceevenherselfthatshedidverywellonthatouterorbit，buthefeltherpain。Heknew。Therewassomuchworthlovinginher，solittleworthlovinginhimself。Withoutahopeofunderstandingdifferently，heassumedhehadthelion’sshareoflovebecauseofhisbeauty，hismoretractablenature，hisabilitytocommunicatewithhismotherandtheotherDroghedapeople。Andbecausehewasmale。Verylittleescapedhimbeyondwhathesimplycouldn’tknow，andhehadhadJustine’sconfidenceandcompanionshipinwaysnooneelseeverhad。MummatteredtoJustinefarmorethanshewouldadmit。

ButIwillatone，hethought。I’vehadeverything。SomehowI’vegottopayitback，makeituptoher。

Suddenlyhechancedtoseehiswatch，cametohisfeetbonelessly；hugethoughheadmittedhisdebttohissisterwas，toSomeoneelseheowedevenmore。

"I’vegottogo，Jus。"

"YouandyourbloodyChurch！Whenareyougoingtogrowoutofit？""Never，Ihope。"

"WhenwillIseeyou？"

"Well，sincetoday’sFriday，tomorrowofcourse，eleveno’clock，here。""Okay。Beagoodboy。"

Hewasalreadyseveralyardsaway，Riverviewboaterbackonhishead，butheturnedtosmileather。"AmIeveranythingelse？"Shegrinned。"Blessyou，no。You’retoogoodtobetrue；I’mtheonealwaysintrouble。Seeyoutomorrow。"

TherewerehugepaddedredleatherdoorsinsidethevestibuleofSaintMary’s；Danepokedoneopenandslippedinside。HehadleftJustinealittleearlierthanwasstrictlynecessary，buthealwayslikedtogetintoachurchbeforeitfilled，becameashiftingfocusofsighs，coughs，rustles，whispers。Whenhewasaloneitwassomuchbetter。Therewasasacristankindlingbranchesofcandlesonthehighaltar；adeacon，hejudgedunerringly。Headbowed，hegenuflectedandmadetheSignoftheCrossashepassedinfrontofthetabernacle，thenquietlyslidintoapew。Onhisknees，heputhisheadonhisfoldedhandsandlethismindfloatfreely。Hedidn’tconsciouslypray，butratherbecameanintrinsicpartoftheatmosphere，whichhefeltasdenseyetethereal，unspeakablyholy，brooding。Itwasasifhehadturnedintoaflameinoneofthelittleredglasssanctuarylamps，alwaysjustflutteringonthebrinkofextinction，sustainedbyasmallpuddleofsomevitalessence，radiatingaminutebutenduringglowoutintothefardarknesses。Stillness，formlessness，forgetfulnessofhishumanidentity；thesewerewhatDanegotfrombeinginachurch。Nowhereelsedidhefeelsoright，somuchatpeacewithhimself，soremovedfrompain。Hislasheslowered，hiseyesclosed。

Fromtheorgangallerycametheshufflingoffeet，apreparatorywheeze，abreathyexpulsionofairfrompipes。TheSaintMary’sCathedralBoys’Schoolchoirwascominginearlytosandwichalittlepracticebetweennowandthecomingritual。ItwasonlyaFridaymiddayBenediction，butoneofDane’sfriendsandteachersfromRiverviewwascelebratingit，andhehadwantedtocome。

Theorgangaveoffafewchords，quietenedintoaripplingaccompaniment，andintothedimstone-lacearchesoneunearthlyboy’svoicesoared，thinandhighandsweet，sofilledwithinnocentpuritythefewpeopleinthegreatemptychurchclosedtheireyes，mournedforthatwhichcouldnevercometothemagain。

Panisangelicus

Fitpanishominum，

Datpaniscoelicus

Figuristerminum，

Oresmirabilis，

ManducatDominus，

Pauper，pauper，

Servusethumilis……

Breadofangels，heavenlybread，Othingofwonder。OutofthedepthshaveIcrieduntoThee，OLord；Lord，hearmyvoice！LetThineearbeattunedtothesoundsofmysupplication。Turnnotaway，OLord，turnnotaway。ForThouartmySovereign，myMaster，myGod，andIamThyhumbleservant。InThineeyesonlyonethingcounts，goodness。ThoucarestnotifThyservantsbebeautifulorugly。ToTheeonlytheheartmatters；inTheeallishealed，inTheeIknowpeace。

Lord，itislonely。Iprayitbeoversoon，thepainoflife。TheydonotunderstandthatI，sogifted，findsomuchpaininliving。ButThoudost，andThycomfortisallwhichsustainsme。NomatterwhatThourequirestofme，OLord，shallbegiven，forIlove

Thee。AndifImightpresumetoaskanythingofThee，itisthatinTheeallelseshallbeforeverforgotten……

"You’reveryquiet，Mum，"saidDane。"Thinkingofwhat？OfDrogheda？""No，"saidMeggiedrowsily。"I’mthinkingthatI’mgettingold。Ifoundhalfadozengreyhairsthismorning，andmybonesache。"

"You’llneverbeold，Mum，"hesaidcomfortably。"Iwishthatweretrue，love，butunfortunatelyitisn’t。I’mbeginningtoneedtheborehead，whichisasuresignofoldage。"

TheywerelyinginthewarmwintersunontowelsspreadovertheDroghedagrass，bytheborehead。Atthefarendofthegreatpoolboilingwaterthunderedandsplashed，thereekofsulphurdriftedandfloatedintonothing。Itwasoneofthegreatwinterpleasures，toswimintheborehead。Alltheachesandpainsofencroachingageweresoothedaway，Meggiethought，andturnedtolieonherback，herheadintheshadeofthelogonwhichsheandFatherRalphhadsatsolongago。Averylongtimeago；shewasunabletoconjureupevenafaintechoofwhatshemusthavefeltwhenRalphhadkissedher。

ThensheheardDanegetup，andopenedhereyes。Hehadalwaysbeenherbaby，herlovelylittleboy；thoughshehadwatchedhimchangeandgrowwithproprietarypride，shehaddonesowithanimageofthelaughingbabysuperimposedonhismaturingface。Ithadnotyetoccurredtoherthatactuallyhewasnolongerinanywayachild。

However，themomentofrealizationcametoMeggieatthatinstant，watchinghimstandoutlinedagainstthecrispskyinhisbriefcottonswimsuit。MyGod，it’sallover！Thebabyhood，theboyhood。He’saman。Pride，resentment，afemalemeltingatthequick，aterrificconsciousnessofsomeimpendingtragedy，anger，adoration，sadness；alltheseandmoreMeggiefelt，lookingupatherson。Itisaterriblethingtocreateaman，andmoreterribletocreateamanlikethis。Soamazinglymale，soamazinglybeautiful。

RalphdeBricassart，plusalittleofherself。Howcouldshenotbemovedatseeinginitsextremeyouththebodyofthemanwhohadjoinedinlovewithher？Sheclosedhereyes，embarrassed，hatinghavingtothinkofhersonasaman。Didhelookatherandseeawomanthesedays，orwasshestillthatwonderfulcipher，Mum？Goddamnhim，Goddamnhim！Howdaredhegrowup？"Doyouknowanythingaboutwomen，Dane？"sheaskedsuddenly，openinghereyesagain。

Hesmiled。"Thebirdsandthebees，youmean？""Thatyouknow，withJustineforasister。Whenshediscoveredwhatlaybetweenthecoversofphysiologytextbookssheblurteditallouttoeveryone。No，ImeanhaveyoueverputanyofJustine’sclinicaltreatisesintopractice？"

Hisheadmovedinaquicknegativeshake，hesliddownontothegrassbesideherandlookedintoherface。"Funnyyoushouldaskthat，Mum。I’vebeenwantingtotalktoyouaboutitforalongtime，butIdidn’tknowhowtostart。"

"You’reonlyeighteen，love。Isn’titabitsoontobethinkingofputtingtheoryintopractice？"Onlyeightequalsteen。Only。Hewasaman，wasn’the？"That’sit，whatIwantedtotalktoyouabout。Notputtingitintopracticeatall。"

Howcoldthewindwas，blowingdownfromtheGreatDivide。Peculiar，shehadn’tnoticeduntilnow。Wherewasherrobe？"Notputtingitintopracticeatall，"shesaiddully，anditwasnotaquestion。"That’sright。Idon’twantto，ever。NotthatIhaven’tthoughtaboutit，orwantedawifeandchildren。Ihave。ButIcan’t。Becausethereisn’tenoughroomtolovethemandGodaswell，notthewayIwanttoloveGod。I’veknownthatforalongtime。Idon’tseemtorememberatimewhenIdidn’t，andtheolderIbecomethegreatermyloveforGodgrows。It’sagreatmystery，lovingGod。"

Meggielaylookingintothosecalm，distantblueeyes。Ralph’seyes，astheyusedtobe。ButablazewithsomethingquitealientoRalph’s。Hadhehadit，ateighteen？Hadhe？Wasitperhapssomethingonecouldonlyexperienceateighteen？BythetimesheenteredRalph’slife，hewastenyearsbeyondthat。Yethersonwasamystic，shehadalwaysknownit。Andshedidn’tthinkthatatanystageofhislifeRalphhadbeenmysticallyinclined。Sheswallowed，wrappedtherobecloseraboutherlonelybones。"SoIaskedmyself，"Danewenton，"whatIcoulddotoshowHimhowmuchIlovedHim。Ifoughttheanswerforalongtime，Ididn’twanttoseeit。BecauseIwantedalifeasaman，too，verymuch。YetIknewwhattheofferinghadtobe，Iknew……There’sonlyonethingIcanofferHim，toshowHimnothingelsewilleverexistinmyheartbeforeHim。ImustofferupHisonlyrival；that’sthesacrificeHedemandsofme。IamHisservant，andHewillhavenorivals。Ihavehadtochoose。AllthingsHe’llletmehaveandenjoy，savethat。"Hesighed，pluckedatabladeofDroghedagrass。"ImustshowHimthatIunderstandwhyHegavemesomuchatmybirth。ImustshowHimthatIrealizehowunimportantmylifeasamanis。"

"Youcan’tdoit，Iwon’tletyou！"Meggiecried，herhandreachingforhisarm，clutchingit。Howsmoothitfelt，thehintofgreatpowerundertheskin，justlikeRalph’s。JustlikeRalph’s！Nottohavesomeglossygirlputherhandthere，asaright？

"I’mgoingtobeapriest，"saidDane。"I’mgoingtoenterHisservicecompletely，offereverythingIhaveandamtoHim，asHispriest。Poverty，charityandobedience。HedemandsnolessthanallfromHischosenservants。Itwon’tbeeasy，butI’mgoingtodoit。

Thelookinhereyes！Asifhehadkilledher，groundherintothedustbeneathhisfoot。Thatheshouldhavetosufferthishehadn’tknown，dreamingonlyofherprideinhim；herpleasureatgivinghersontoGod。Theysaidshe’dbethrilled，uplifted，completelyinaccord。Insteadshewasstaringathimasiftheprospectofhispriesthoodwasherdeathsentence。"It’sallI’veeverwantedtobe，"hesaidindespair，meetingthosedyingeyes。"Oh，Mum，can’tyouunderstand？I’venever，neverwantedtobeanythingbutapriest！Ican’tbeanythingbutapriest！"Herhandfellfromhisarm；heglanceddownandsawthewhitemarksofherfingers，thelittlearcsinhisskinwherehernailshadbittendeeply。Herheadwentup，shelaughedonandonandon，hugehystericalpealsofbitter，derisivelaughter。

"Oh，it’stoogoodtobetrue！"shegaspedwhenshecouldspeakagain，wipingthetearsfromthecornersofhereyeswithatremblinghand。"Theincredibleirony！Ashesofroses，hesaidthatnightridingtotheborehead。AndIdidn’tunderstandwhathemeant。Ashesthouwert，untoashesreturn。TotheChurchthoubelongest，totheChurchthoushaltbegiven。Oh，it’sbeautiful，beautiful！GodrotGod，Isay！Godthesod！TheutmostEnemyofwomen，that’swhatGodis！Everythingweseektodo，Heseekstoundo！""Oh，don’t！Oh，don’t！Mum，don’t！"Heweptforher，forherpain，notunderstandingherpainorthewordsshewassaying。Histearsfell，twistedinhisheart；alreadythesacrificehadbegun，andinawayhehadn’tdreamed。Butthoughheweptforher，notevenforhercouldheputitaside，thesacrifice。Theofferingmustbemade，andtheharderitwastomake，themorevaluableitmustbeinHiseyes。

Shehadmadehimweep，andneverinallhislifeuntilnowhadshemadehimweep。Herownrageandgriefwereputawayresolutely。No，itwasn’tfairtovisitherselfuponhim。Whathewashisgeneshadmadehim。OrhisGod。OrRalph’sGod。Hewasthelightofherlife，herson。Heshouldnotbemadetosufferbecauseofher，ever。"Dane，don’tcry，"shewhispered，strokingtheangrymarksonhisarm。"I’msorry，Ididn’tmeanit。Yougavemeashock，that’sall。OfcourseI’mgladforyou，trulyIam！Howcould1notbe？Iwasshocked；Ijustdidn’texpectit，that’sall。"Shechuckled，alittleshakily。"Youdidratherdropitonmelikearock。"

Hiseyescleared，regardedherdoubtfully。Whyhadheimaginedhekilledher？ThosewereMum’seyesashehadalwaysknownthem；fulloflove，verymuchalive。Thestrongyoungarmsgatheredherclose，huggedher。"You’resureyoudon’tmind？"

"Mind？AgoodCatholicmothermindhersonbecomingapriest？Impossible！"Shejumpedtoherfeet。"Brr！Howcoldit’sgot！Let’sbegettingback。"Theyhadn’ttakenthehorses，butajeeplikeLandRover；Daneclimbedbehindthewheel，hismothersatbesidehim。

"Doyouknowwhereyou’regoing？"askedMeggie，drawinginasobbingbreath，pushingthetumbledhairoutofhereyes。"SaintPatrick’sCollege，Isuppose。AtleastuntilIfindmyfeet。PerhapsthenI’llespouseanorder。I’dratherliketobeaJesuit，butI’mnotquitesureenoughofthattogostraightintotheSocietyofJesus。"Meggiestaredatthetawnygrassbouncingupanddownthroughtheinsect-spatteredwindscreen。"Ihaveamuchbetteridea，Dane。""Oh？"Hehadtoconcentrateondriving；thetrackdwindledabitandtherewerealwaysnewlogsacrossit。

"IshallsendyoutoRome，toCardinaldeBricassart。Yourememberhim，don’tyou？"

"DoIrememberhim？Whataquestion，Mum！Idon’tthinkIcouldforgethiminamillionyears。He’smyexampleoftheperfectpriest。IfIcouldbethepriestheis，I’dbeveryhappy。"

"Perfectionisasperfectiondoes！"saidMeggietartly。"ButIshallgiveyouintohischarge，becauseIknowhe’lllookafteryouformysake。YoucanenteraseminaryinRome。"

"Doyoureallymeanit，Mum？Really？"Anxietypushedthejoyoutofhisface。"Isthereenoughmoney？ItwouldbemuchcheaperifIstayedinAustralia。"

"ThankstotheselfsameCardinaldeBricassart，mydear，you’llneverlackmoney。"

Atthecookhousedoorshepushedhiminside。"GoandtellthegirlsandMrs。Smith，"shesaid。"They’llbeabsolutelythrilled。"

Oneaftertheothersheputherfeetdown，madethemploduptheramptothebighouse，tothedrawingroomwhereFeesat，miraculouslynotworkingbuttalkingtoAnneMuellerinstead，overanafternoonteatray。AsMeggiecameintheylookedup，sawfromherfacethatsomethingserioushadhappened。

ForeighteenyearstheMuellershadbeenvisitingDrogheda，expectingthatwashowitalwayswouldbe。ButLuddieMuellerhaddiedsuddenlytheprecedingautumn，andMeggiehadwrittenimmediatelytoAnnetoaskherifshewouldliketolivepermanentlyonDrogheda。Therewasplentyofroom，aguestcottageforprivacy；shecouldpayboardifshewastooproudnotto，thoughheavenknewtherewasenoughmoneytokeepathousandpermanenthouseguests。MeggiesawitasachancetoreciprocateforthoselonelyQueenslandyears，andAnnesawitassalvation。HimmelhochwithoutLuddiewashorriblylonely。Thoughshehadputonamanager，notsoldtheplace；whenshedieditwouldgotoJustine。

"Whatisit，Men！"Anneasked。

Meggiesatdown。"IthinkI’vebeenstruckbyaretributoryboltoflightning。"

"What？"

"Youwereright，bothofyou。YousaidI’dlosehim。Ididn’tbelieveyou，IactuallythoughtIcouldbeatGod。ButtherewasneverawomanbornwhocouldbeatGod。He’saMan。"

FeepouredMeggieacupoftea。"Here，drinkthis，"shesaid，asifteahadtherestorativepowersofbrandy。"Howhaveyoulosthim？""He’sgoingtobecomeapriest。"Shebegantolaugh，weepingatthesametime。

Annepickeduphersticks，hobbledtoMeggie’schairandsatawkwardlyonitsarm，strokingthelovelyredgoldhair。"Oh，mydear！Butitisn’tasbadasallthat。"

"DoyouknowaboutDane？"FeeaskedAnne。

"I’vealwaysknown，"saidAnne。

Meggiesobered。"Itisn’tasbadasallthat？It’sthebeginningoftheend，don’tyousee？Retribution。IstoleRalphfromGod，andI’mpayingwithmyson。Youtoldmeitwasstealing，Mum，don’tyouremember？Ididn’twanttobelieveyou，butyouwereright，asalways。"

IshegoingtoSaintPat’s？"Feeaskedpractically。Meggielaughedmorenormally。"That’snosortofreparation，Mum。I’mgoingtosendhimtoRalph，ofcourse。HalfofhimisRalph；letRalphfinallyenjoyhim。"Sheshrugged。"He’smoreimportantthanRalph，and1knewhe’dwanttogotoRome。""DidyouevertellRalphaboutDane？"askedAnne；itwasn’tasubjecteverdiscussed。

"No，andIneverwill。Never！"

"They’resoalikehemightguess。"

"Who，Ralph？He’llneverguess！ThatmuchI’mgoingtokeep。I’msendinghimmyson，butnomorethanthat。I’mnotsendinghimhisson。""Bewareofthejealousyofthegods，Meggie，"saidAnnesoftly。"Theymightnothavedone，withyouyet。"

"Whatmorecantheydotome？"mournedMeggie。WhenJustineheardthenewsshewasfurious，thoughforthelastthreeorfouryearsshehadhadasneakingsuspicionitwascoming。Firstofall，becauseJustinehadbeenatschoolinSydneywithhim，andashisconfidantehadlistenedtohimtalkofthethingshedidn’tmentiontohismother。JustineknewhowvitallyimportanthisreligionwastoDancaret。；notonlyGod，butthemysticalsignificanceofCatholicrituals。HadhebeenbornandbroughtupaProtestant，shethought，hewasthetypetohaveeventuallyturnedtoCatholicismtosatisfysomethinginhissoul。NotforDaneanaustere，CalvinisticGod。HisGodwaslimnedinstainedglass，wreathedinincense，wrappedinlaceandgoldembroidery，hymnedinmusicalcomplexity，andworshippedinlovelyLatincadences。

Too，itwasakindofironicperversitythatsomeonesowonderfullyendowedwithbeautyshoulddeemitacripplinghandicap，anddeploreitsexistence。ForDanedid。Heshrankfromanyreferencetohislooks；Justinefanciedhewouldfarratherhavebeenbornugly，totallyunprepossessing。Sheunderstoodinpartwhyhefeltso，andperhapsbecauseherowncareerlayinanotoriouslynarcissisticprofession，sheratherapprovedofhisattitudetowardhisappearance。Whatshecouldn’tbegintounderstandwaswhyhepositivelyloathedhislooks，insteadofsimplyignoringthem。Norwashehighlysexed，forwhatreasonshewasn’tsure:whetherhehadtaughthimselftosublimatehispassionsalmostperfectly，orwhetherinspiteofhisbodilyendowmentssomenecessarycerebralessencewasinshortsupply。Probably-theformer，sinceheplayedsomesortofvigoroussporteverydayofhislifetomakesurehewenttobedexhausted。Sheknewverywellthathisinclinationswere"normal，"thatis，heterosexual，andsheknewwhattypeofgirlappealedtohimtall，darkandvoluptuous。Buthejustwasn’tsensuallyaware；hedidn’tnoticethefeelofthingswhenheheldthem，ortheodorsintheairaroundhim，orunderstandthespecialsatisfactionofshapeandcolor。Beforeheexperiencedasexualpulltheprovocativeobject’simpacthadtobeirresistible，andonlyatsuchraremomentsdidheseemtorealizetherewasanearthlyplanemostmentrod，ofchoice，foraslongastheypossiblycould。