第16章

Thereceiverclicked，begantheinterminableburrofthedialtone。Justinesatonthefloorandletitslipintoherlap。Therewasamistake，itwouldallsortitselfout。Danedrowned，whenheswamlikeachampion？No，itwasn’ttrue。Butitis，Justine，youknowitis，youdidn’tgowithhimtoprotecthimandhedrowned。Youwerehisprotectorfromthetimehewasababyandyoushouldhavebeenthere。Ifyoucouldn’tsavehim，youshouldhavebeentheretodrownwithhim。Andtheonlyreasonyoudidn’tgowithhimwasbecauseyouwantedtobeinLondonsoyoucouldgetRaintomakelovetoyou。

Thinkingwassohard。Everythingwassohard。Nothingseemedtowork，notevenherlegs。Shecouldn’tgetup，shewouldnevergetupagain。TherewasnoroominhermindforanyonebutDane，andherthoughtswentinever-diminishingcirclesaroundDane。Untilshethoughtofhermother，theDroghedapeople。Oh，God。Thenewswouldcomethere，cometoher，cometothem。Mumdidn’tevenhavethelovelylastsightofhisfaceinRome。They’llsendthecabletotheGillypolice，Isuppose，andoldSergeantErnwillclimbintohiscaranddriveoutallthemilestoDrogheda，totellmymotherthatheronlysonisdead。Nottherightmanforthejob，andanalmost-stranger。Mrs。O’neill，mydeepest，mostheartfeltregrets，yoursonisdead。Perfunctory，courteous，emptywords……No！Ican’tletthemdothattoher，nottoher，sheismymother，too！Notthatway，notthewayIhadtohearit。

Shepulledtheotherpartofthephoneoffthetableontoherlap，putthereceivertoherearanddialedtheoperator。

"Switch？Trunks，please，international。Hello？IwanttoplaceanurgentcalltoAustralia，Gillanboneone-two-one-two。Andplease，pleasehurry。"

Meggieansweredthephoneherself。Itwaslate，Feehadgonetobed。Thesedayssheneverfeltlikeseekingherownbedearly，shepreferredtositlisteningtothecricketsandfrogs，dozeoverabook，remember。

"Hello？"

"Londoncalling，Mrs。O’neill，"saidHazelinGilly。"Hello，Justine，"Meggiesaid，notperturbed。Jussycalled，infrequently，toseehoweverythingwas。

"Mum？Isthatyou，Mum？"

"Yes，it’sMumhere，"saidMeggiegently，sensingJustine’sdistress。"Oh，Mum！Oh，Mum！"Therewaswhatsoundedlikeagasp，orasob。"Mum，Dane’sdead。Dane’sdead！"

Apitopenedatherfeet。Downanddownanddownitwent，andhadnobottom。Meggieslidintoit，feltitslipscloseoverherhead，andunderstoodthatshewouldnevercomeoutagainaslongasshelived。Whatmorecouldthegodsdo？Shehadn’tknownwhensheaskedit。Howcouldshehaveaskedit，howcouldshenothaveknown？Don’ttemptthegods，theyloveit。Innotgoingtoseehiminthismostbeautifulmomentofhislife，shareitwithhim，shehadfinallythoughttomakethepayment。Danewouldbefreeofit，andfreeofher。Innotseeingthefacewhichwasdearertoherthanallotherfaces，shewouldrepay。Thepitclosedin，suffocating。Meggiestoodthere，andrealizeditwastoolate。

"Justine，mydearest，becalm，"saidMeggiestrongly，notafalterinhervoice。"Calmyourselfandtellme。Areyousure？""AustraliaHousecalledme-theythoughtIwashisnextofkin。SomedreadfulmanwhoonlywantedtoknowwhatIwanteddonewiththebody。"Thebody，"hekeptcallingDane。Asifhewasn’tentitledtoitanymore，asifitwasanyone’s。"Meggieheardhersob。"God！Isupposethepoormanhatedwhathewasdoing。Oh，Mum，Dane’sdead！"

"How，Justine？Where？InRome？Whyhasn’tRalphcalledme？"

"No，notinRome。TheCardinalprobablydoesn’tknowanythingaboutit。InCrete。Themansaidhewasdrowned，asearescue。Hewasonholiday，Mum，heaskedmetogowithhimandIdidn’t，IwantedtoplayDesdemona，IwantedtobewithRain。IfI’donlybeenwithhim！IfIhad，itmightn’thavehappened。Oh，God，whatcanIdo？"

"Stopit，Justine，"saidMeggiesternly。"Nothinkinglikethat，doyouhearme？Danewouldhateit，youknowhewould。Thingshappen，whywedon’tknow。Theimportantthingnowisthatyou’reallright，Ihaven’tlostbothofyou。You’reallI’vegotleftnow。Oh，Jussy，Jussy，it’ssofaraway！Theworld’sbig，toobig。ComehometoDrogheda！Ihatetothinkofyouallalone。"

"No，I’vegottowork。Workistheonlyanswerforme。IfIdon’twork，I’llgomad。Idon’twantpeople，Idon’twantcomfort。Oh，Mum！"Shebegantosobbitterly。"Howarewegoingtolivewithouthim？"Howindeed？Wasthatliving？God’sthouwert，untoGodreturn。Dusttodust。Living’sforthoseofuswhofailed。GreedyGod，gatheringinthegoodones，leavingtheworldtotherestofus，torot。"Itisn’tforanyofustosayhowlongwe’lllive，"saidMeggie。"Jussy，thankyousomuchfortellingmeyourself，forphoning。"

"Icouldn’tbeartothinkofastrangerbreakingthenews，Mum。Notlikethat，fromastranger。Whatwillyoudo？Whatcanyoudo？"WithallherwillMeggietriedtopourwarmthandcomfortacrossthemilestoherdevastatedgirlinLondon。Hersonwasdead，herdaughterstilllived。Shemustbemadewhole。Ifitwaspossible。InallherlifeJustineseemedonlytohavelovedDane。Nooneelse，evenherself。"DearJustine，don’tcry。Trynottogrieve。Hewouldn’thavewantedthat，nowwouldhe？Comehome，andforget。We’llbringDanehometoDrogheda，too。

Atlawhe’smineagain，hedoesn’tbelongtotheChurchandtheycan’tstopme。I’llphoneAustraliaHouserightaway，andtheembassyinAthensifIcangetthrough。Hemustcomehome！I’dhatetothinkofhimlyingsomewherefarfromDrogheda。Hereiswherehebelongs，he’llhavetocomehome。Comewithhim，Justine。"

ButJustinesatinaheap，shakingherheadasifhermothercouldsee。Comehome？Shecouldnevercomehomeagain。IfshehadgonewithDanehewouldn’tbedead。Comehome，andhavetolookathermother’sfaceeverydayfortherestofherlife？No，itdidn’tbearthinkingof。"No，Mum，"shesaid，thetearsrollingdownherskin，hotlikemoltenmetal。Whooneartheversaidpeoplemostmoveddon’tweep？Theydon’tknowanythingaboutit。"Ishallstayhereandwork。I’llcomehomewithDane，butthenI’mgoingback。Ican’tliveonDrogheda。"

Forthreedaystheywaitedinapurposelessvacuum，JustineinLondon，MeggieandthefamilyonDrogheda，stretchingtheofficialsilenceintotenuoushope。Oh，surelyaftersolongitwouldturnouttobeamistake，surelyifitwastruetheywouldhaveheardbynow！Danewouldcome-inJustine’sfrontdoorsmiling，andsayitwasallasillymistake。Greecewasinrevolt，allsortsofsillymistakesmusthavebeenmade。Danewouldcomeinthedoorandlaughtheideaofhisdeathtoscorn，he’dstandtheretallandstrongandalive，andhe’dlaugh。Hopebegantogrow，andgrewwitheveryminutetheywaited。Treacherous，horriblehope。Hewasn’tdead，no！Notdrowned，notDanewhowasagoodenoughswimmertobraveanykindofseaandlive。Sotheywaited，notacknowledgingwhathadhappenedinthehopeitwouldprovetobeamistake。Timelatertonotifypeople，letRomeknow。OnthefourthmorningJustinegotthemessage。Likeanoldwomanshepickedupthereceiveroncemore，andaskedforAustralia。"Mum？"

"Justine？"

"Oh，Mum，they’veburiedhimalready；wecan’tbringhimhome！Whatarewegoingtodo？AlltheycansayisthatCreteisabigplace，thenameofthevillageisn’tknown，bythetimethecablearrivedhe’dalreadybeenspiritedawaysomewhereanddisposedof。He’slyinginanunmarkedgravesomewhere！Ican’tgetavisaforGreece，noonewantstohelp，it’schaos。Whatarewegoingtodo，Mum？"

"MeetmeinRome，Justine，"saidMeggie。

EveryonesaveAnneMuellerwastherearoundthephone，stillinshock。Themenseemedtohaveagedtwentyyearsinthreedays，andFee，shrunkenbirdlike，whiteandcrabbed，driftedaboutthehousesayingoverandover，"Whycouldn’tithavebeenme？Whydidtheyhavetotakehim？I’msoold，soold！Iwouldn’thavemindedgoing，whydidithavetobehim？Whycouldn’tithavebeenme？I’msoold！"Annehadcollapsed，andMrs。Smith，MinnieandCatwalked，slepttears。

Meggiestaredatthemsilentlyassheputthephonedown。ThiswasDrogheda，allthatwasleft。Alittleclusterofoldmenandoldwomen，sterileandbroken。

"Dane’slost，"shesaid。"Noonecanfindhim；he’sbeenburiedsomewhereonCrete。It’ssofaraway！HowcouldherestsofarfromDrogheda？I’mgoingtoRome，toRalphdeBricassart。Ifanyonecanhelpus，hecan。"

CardinaldeBricassart’ssecretaryenteredhisroom。"YourEminence，I’msorrytodisturbyou，butaladywishestoseeyou。Iexplainedthatthereisacongress，thatyouareverybusyandcannotseeanyone，butshesaysshewillsitinthevestibuleuntilyouhavetimeforher。"

"Issheintrouble，Father？"

"Greattrouble，YourEminence，thatmuchiseasytosee。ShesaidIwastotellyouhernameisMeggieO’neill。"Hegaveitaliltingforeignpronunciation，sothatitcameoutsoundinglikeMegheeOnill。"CardinalRalphcametohisfeet，thecolordrainingfromhisfacetoleaveitaswhiteashishair。

"YourEminence！Areyouill？"

"No，Father，I’mperfectlyallright，thankyou。CancelmyappointmentsuntilInotifyyouotherwise，andbringMrs。O’neilltomeatonce。WearenottobedisturbedunlessitistheHolyFather。"

Thepriestbowed，departed。O’neill。Ofcourse！ItwasyoungDane’sname，heshouldhaveremembered。SavethatintheCardinal’spalaceeveryonejustsaidDane。Ah，hehadmadeagravemistake，keepingherwaiting。IfDanewasHisEminence’sdearlylovednephewthenMrs。O’neillwashisdearlylovedsister。

WhenMeggiecameintotheroomCardinalRalphhardlyknewher。Itwasthirteenyearssincehehadlastseenher；shewasfifty-threeandhewasseventy-one。Bothofthemagednow，insteadofonlyhim。Herfacehadn’tchangedsomuchassettled，andintoamoldunliketheonehehadgivenherinhisimagination。Substituteatrenchantincisivenessforsweetness，atouchofironforsoftness；sheresembledavigorous，aging，willfulmartyrratherthantheresigned，contemplativesaintofhisdreams。Herbeautywasasstrikingasever，hereyesstillthatclearsilverygrey，butbothhadhardened，andtheoncevividhairhadfadedtoadrabbeige，likeDane’swithoutthelife。Mostdisconcertingofall，shewouldn’tlookathimforlongenoughtosatisfyhiseagerandlovingcuriosity。UnabletogreetthisMeggienaturally，hestifflyindicatedachair。"Pleasesitdown。"

"Thankyou，"shesaid，equallystilted。

Itwasonlywhenshewasseatedandhecouldgazedownuponherwholepersonthathenoticedhowvisiblyswollenherfeetandankleswere。

"Meggie！HaveyouflownallthewaythroughfromAustraliawithoutbreakingyourjourney？What’sthematter？"

"Yes，Ididflystraightthrough，"shesaid。"Forthepasttwenty-ninehoursI’vebeensittinginplanesbetweenGillyandRome，withnothingtodoexceptstareoutthewindowattheclouds，andthink。"Hervoicewasharsh，cold。

"What’sthematter？"herepeatedimpatiently，anxiousandfearful。Sheliftedhergazefromherfeetandlookedathimsteadily。Therewassomethingawfulinhereyes；somethingsodarkandchillingthattheskinonthebackofhisneckcrawledandautomaticallyheputhishanduptostrokeit。

"Daneisdead，"saidMeggie。

Hishandslipped，floppedlikearagdoll’sintohisscarletlapashesankintoachair。"Dead？"heaskedslowly。"Danedead？""Yes。HewasdrownedsixdaysagoinCrete，rescuingsomewomenfromthesea。"

Heleanedforward，puthishandsoverhisface。"Dead？"sheheardhimsayindistinctly。"Danedead？Mybeautifulboy！Hecan’tbedead！Dane-hewastheperfectpriest-allthatIcouldn’tbe。WhatIlackedhehad。"Hisvoicebroke。"Healwayshadit-thatwaswhatweallrecognized-allofuswhoaren’tperfectpriests。Dead？Oh，dearLord！"

"Don’tbotheraboutyourdearLord，Ralph，"saidthestrangersittingoppositehim。"Youhavemoreimportantthingstodo。Icametoaskforyourhelp-nottowitnessyourgrief。I’vehadallthosehoursintheairtogooverthewayI’dtellyouthis，allthosehoursjuststaringoutthewindowatthecloudsknowingDaneisdead。Afterthat，yourgriefhasnopowertomoveme。"

Yetwhenheliftedhisfacefromhishandsherdeadcoldheartbounded，twisted，leaped。ItwasDane’sface，withasufferingwrittenuponitthatDanewouldneverlivetofeel。Oh，thankGod！ThankGodhe’sdead，cannevernowgothroughwhatthismanhas，whatIhave。Betterhe’sdeadthantosuffersomethinglikethis。

"HowcanIhelp，Meggie？"heaskedquietly，suppressinghisownemotionstodonthesoul-deepguiseofherspiritualcounselor。"Greeceisinchaos。They’veburiedDanesomewhereonCrete，andIcan’tfindoutwhere，when，why。ExceptIsupposethatmyinstructionsdirectingthathebeflownhomewereendlesslydelayedbythecivilwar，andCreteishotlikeAustralia。Whennooneclaimedhim，Isupposetheythoughthehadnoone，andburiedhim。"Sheleanedforwardinherchairtensely。"Iwantmyboyback，Ralph，Iwanthimfoundandbroughthometosleepwherehebelongs，onDrogheda。IpromisedJimsI’dkeephimonDroghedaandIwill，ifIhavetocrawlonmyhandsandkneesthrougheverygraveyardonCrete。NofancyRomanpriest’stombforhim，Ralph，notaslongasI’malivetoputupalegalbattle。He’stocomehome。"

"Nooneisgoingtodenyyouthat，Meggie，"hesaidgently。"It’sconsecratedCatholicground，whichisalltheChurchasks。ItoohaverequestedthatIbeburiedonDrogheda。"

"Ican’tgetthroughalltheredtape，"shewenton，asifhehadn’tspoken。"Ican’tspeakGreek，andIhavenopowerorinfluence。SoIcametoyou，touseyours。Getmebackmyson，Ralph！"

"Don’tworry，Meggie，we’llgethimback，thoughitmaynotbeveryquickly。The-Leftareinchargenow，andthey’reveryanti-Catholic。However，I’mnotwithoutfriendsinGreece，soitwillbedone。Letmestartthewheelsinmotionimmediately，anddon’tworry。HeisapriestoftheHolyCatholicChurch，we’llgethimback。"

Hishandhadgonetothebellcord，butMeggie’scoldlyfiercegazestilledit。

"Youdon’tunderstand，Ralph。Idon’twantwheelssetinmotion。Iwantmysonback-notnextweekornextmonth，butnow！YouspeakGreek，youcangetvisasforyourselfandme，you’llgetresults。IwantyoutocometoGreecewithmenow，andhelpmegetmysonback。"

Therewasmuchinhiseyes:tenderness，compassion，shock，grief。Buttheyhadbecomethepriest’seyestoo，sane，logical，reasonable。"Meggie，Iloveyoursonasifheweremyown，butIcan’tleaveRomeatthemoment。I’mnotafreeagent-youaboveallothersshouldknowthat。NomatterhowmuchImayfeelforyou，howmuchImayfeelonmyownaccount，Ican’tleaveRomeinthemidstofavitalcongress。IamtheHolyFather’saide。"

Sherearedback，stunnedandoutraged，thenshookherhead，half-smilingasifattheanticsofsomeinanimateobjectbeyondherpowertoinfluence；thenshetrembled，lickedherlips，seemedtocometoadecisionandsatupstraightandstiff。"Doyoureallylovemysonasifhewereyourown，Ralph？"sheasked。"Whatwouldyoudoforasonofyours？Couldyousitbackthenandsaytohismother，No，I’mverysorry，Ican’tpossiblytakethetimeoff？Couldyousaythattothemotherofyourson？"Dane’seyes，yetnotDane’seyes。Lookingather；bewildered，fullofpain，helpless。

"Ihavenoson，"hesaid，"butamongthemany，manythingsIlearnedfromyourswasthatnomatterhowharditis，myfirstandonlyallegianceistoAlmightyGod。"

"Danewasyoursontoo，"saidMeggie。

Hestaredatherblankly。"What？"

"Isaid，Danewasyoursontoo。WhenIleftMatlockIslandIwaspregnant。Danewasyours，notLukeO’neill’s。"

"It-isn’t-true！"

"Ineverintendedyoutoknow，evennow，"shesaid。"WouldIlietoyou？""TogetDaneback？Yes，"hesaidfaintly。

Shegotup，cametostandoverhimintheredbrocadechair，tookhisthin，parchment-likehandinhers，bentandkissedthering，thebreathofhervoicemistingitsrubytomilkydullness。"Byallthatyouholdholy，Ralph，IswearthatDanewasyourson。HewasnotandcouldnothavebeenLuke’s。ByhisdeathIswearit。"

Therewasawail，thesoundofasoulpassingbetweentheportalsofHell。RalphdeBricassartfellforwardoutofthechairandwept，huddledonthecrimsoncarpetinascarletpoollikenewblood，hisfacehiddeninhisfoldedarms，hishandsclutchingathishair。

"Yes，cry！"saidMeggie。"Cry，nowthatyouknow！It’srightthatoneofhisparentsbeabletoshedtearsforhim。Cry，Ralph！Fortwenty-sixyearsIhadyoursonandyoudidn’tevenknowit，youcouldn’tevenseeit。Couldn’tseethathewasyoualloveragain！Whenmymothertookhimfrommeatbirthsheknew，butyouneverdid。Yourhands，your。feet，yourface，youreyes，yourbody。Onlythecolorofhishairwashisown；alltherestwasyou。Doyouunderstandnow？WhenIsenthimheretoyou，Isaiditinmyletter。"WhatIstole，Igiveback。"Remember？Onlywebothstole，Ralph。WestolewhatyouhadvowedtoGod，andwe’vebothhadtopay。"

Shesatinherchair，implacableandunpitying，andwatchedthescarletforminitsagonyonthefloor。"Ilovedyou，Ralph，butyouwerenevermine。WhatIhadofyou，Iwasdriventosteal。Danewasmypart，allIcouldgetfromyou。Ivowedyou’dneverknow，Ivowedyou’dneverhavethechancetotakehimawayfromme。Andthenhegavehimselftoyou，ofhisownfreewill。Theimageoftheperfectpriest，hecalledyou。WhatalaughIhadoverthatone！ButnotforanythingwouldIhavegivenyouaweaponlikeknowinghewasyours。Exceptforthis。Exceptforthis！FornothinglesswouldIhavetoldyou。ThoughIdon’tsupposeitmattersnow。Hedoesn’tbelongtoeitherofusanymore。HebelongstoGod。"

CardinaldeBricassartcharteredaprivateplaneinAthens；he，MeggieandJustinebroughtDanehometoDrogheda，thelivingsittingsilently，thedeadlyingsilentlyonabier，requiringnothingofthisearthanymore。IhavetosaythisMass，thisRequiemformyson。Boneofmybone，myson。Yes，Meggie，Ibelieveyou。OnceIhadmybreathbackIwouldevenhavebelievedyouwithoutthatterribleoathyouswore。Vittorioknewtheminuteheseteyesontheboy，andinmyheartI，too，musthaveknown。Yourlaughbehindtherosesfromtheboy-butmyeyeslookingupatme，astheyusedtobeinmyinnocence。Feeknew。AnneMuellerknew。Butnotwemen。Weweren’tfittobetold。Forsoyouwomenthink，andhugyourmysteries，gettingyourbacksonusfortheslightGoddidyouinnotcreatingyouinHisImage。Vittorioknew，butitwasthewomaninhimstilledhistongue。Amasterlyrevenge。

Sayit，RalphdeBricassart，openyourmouth，moveyourhandsintheblessing，begintochanttheLatinforthesoulofthedeparted。Whowasyourson。Whomyoulovedmorethanyoulovedhismother。Yes，more！Forhewasyourselfalloveragain，inamoreperfectmold。"InNominePatris，etFilii，etSpiritusSancti……"

Thechapelwaspacked；theywerealltherewhocouldbethere。TheKings，theO’Rourkes，theDavieses，thePughs，theMacQueens，theGordons，theCar-michaels，theHopetons。AndtheClearys，theDroghedapeople。Hopeblighted，lightgone。Atthefrontinagreatlead-linedcasket，FatherDaneO’neill，coveredinroses。WhyweretherosesalwaysoutwhenhecamebacktoDrogheda？ItwasOctober，highspring。Ofcoursetheywereout。Thetimewasright。"Sanctus……Sanctus……Sanctus……"

BewarnedthattheHolyofHoliesisuponyou。MyDane，mybeautifulson。Itisbetterso。Iwouldn’thavewantedyoutocometothis，whatIalreadyam。WhyIsaythisforyou，Idon’tknow。Youdon’tneedit，youneverneededit。WhatIgropefor，youknewbyinstinct。Itisn’tyouwhoisunhappy，it’sthoseofushere，leftbehind。Pityus，andwhenourtimescome，helpus。"Missaest……Requiescatinpace……"

Outacrossthelawn，downpasttheghostgums，theroses，thepeppertrees，tothecemetery。Sleepon，Dane，becauseonlythegooddieyoung。Whydowemourn？You’relucky，tohaveescapedthiswearylifesosoon。Perhapsthat’swhatHellis，alongterminearth-boundbondage。Perhapswesufferourhellsinliving……

Thedaypassed，themournersdeparted，theDroghedapeoplecreptaboutthehouseandavoidedeachother；CardinalRalphlookedearlyatMeggie，andcouldnotbeartolookagain。JustineleftwithJeanandBoyKingtocatchtheafternoonplaneforSydney，thenightplaneforLondon。Heneverrememberedhearingherhuskybewitchingvoice，orseeingthoseoddpaleeyes。FromthetimewhenshehadmethimandMeggieinAthenstothetimewhenshewentwithJeanandBoyKingshehadbeenlikeaghost，hercamouflagepulledcloselyaroundher。Whyhadn’tshecalledRainerHartheim，askedhimtobewithher？Surelysheknewhowmuchhelovedher，howmuchhewouldwanttobewithhernow？ButthethoughtneverstayedlongenoughinCardinalRalph’stiredmindtocallRainerhimself，thoughhehadwonderedaboutitoffandonsincebeforeleavingRome。Theywerestrange，theDroghedapeople。Theydidn’tlikecompanyingrief；theypreferredtobealonewiththeirpain。

OnlyFeeandMeggiesatwithCardinalRalphinthedrawingroomafteradinnerleftuneaten。Noonesaidaword；theormoluclockonthemarblemanteltickedthunderously，andMaryCarson’spaintedeyesstaredamutechallengeacrosstheroomtoFee’sgrandmother。FeeandMeggiesattogetheronacreamsofa，shoulderslightlytouching；CardinalRalphneverrememberedtheirbeingsocloseintheolddays。Buttheysaidnothing，didnotlookateachotherorathim。

Hetriedtoseewhatitwashehaddonewrong。Toomuchwrong，thatwasthetrouble。Pride，ambition，acertainunscrupulousness。AndloveforMeggiefloweringamongthem。Butthecrowninggloryofthatlovehehadneverknown。Whatdifferencewouldithavemadetoknowhissonwashisson？Wasitpossibletolovetheboymorethanhehad？Wouldhehavepursuedadifferentpathifhehadknownabouthisson？Yes！criedhisheart。No，sneeredhisbrain。

Heturnedonhimselfbitterly。Fool！YououghttohaveknownMeggiewasincapableofgoingbacktoLuke。YououghttohaveknownatoncewhosechildDanewas。Shewassoproudofhim！Allshecouldgetfromyou，thatwaswhatshesaidtoyouinRome。Well，Meggie……Inhimyougotthebestofit。DearGod，Ralph，howcouldyounothaveknownhewasyours？Yououghttohaverealizeditwhenhecametoyouamangrown，ifnotbefore。Shewaswaitingforyoutoseeit，dyingforyoutoseeit；ifonlyyouhad，shewouldhavegoneonherkneestoyou。Butyouwereblind。Youdidn’twanttosee。RalphRaoul，CardinaldeBricassart，thatwaswhatyouwanted；morethanher，morethanyourson。Morethanyourson！

Theroomhadbecomefilledwithtinycries，rustles，whispers；theclockwastickingintimewithhisheart。Andthenitwasn’tintimeanymore。Hehadgotoutofstepwithit。MeggieandFeewereswimmingtotheirfeet，driftingwithfrightenedfacesinawateryinsubstantialmist，sayingthingstohimhecouldn’tseemtohear。"Aaaaaaah！"hecried，understanding。

Hewashardlyconsciousofthepain，intentonlyonMeggie’sarmsaroundhim，thewayhisheadsankagainsther。Buthemanagedtoturnuntilhecouldseehereyes，andlookedather。Hetriedtosay，Forgiveme，andsawshehadforgivenhimlongago。Sheknewshehadgotthebestofit。Thenhewantedtosaysomethingsoperfectshewouldbeeternallyconsoled，andrealizedthatwasn’tnecessary，either。Whatevershewas，shecouldbearanything。Anything！Soheclosedhiseyesandlethimselffeel，thatlasttime，forgetfulnessinMeggie。

SEVEN

1965-1969Justine

SittingathisBonndeskwithanearly-morningcupofcoffee，RainerlearnedofCardinaldeBricassart’sdeathfromhisnewspaper。Thepoliticalstormofthepastfewweekswasdiminishingatlast，sohehadsettledtoenjoyhisreadingwiththeprospectofsoonseeingJustinetocolorhismood，andunperturbedbyherrecentsilence。Thathedeemedtypical；shewasfarfromreadyyettoadmittheextentofhercommitmenttohim。ButthenewsoftheCardinal’sdeathdroveallthoughtofJustineaway。TenminuteslaterhewasbehindthewheelofaMercedes280SL，headingfortheautobahn。ThepooroldmanVittoriowouldbesoalone，andhisburdenwasheavyatthebestoftimes。Quickertodrive；bythetimehefiddledaroundwaitingforaflight，gottoandfromairports，hecouldbeattheVatican。Anditwassomethingpositivetodo，somethinghecouldcontrolhimself，alwaysanimportantconsiderationtoamanlikehim。FromCardinalVittoriohelearnedthewholestory，tooshockedatfirsttowonderwhyJustinehadn’tthoughttocontacthim。"Hecametomeandaskedme，didIknowDanewashisson？"thegentlevoicesaid，whilethegentlehandssmoothedtheblue-greybackofNatasha。

"Andyousaid？"

"IsaidIhadguessed。Icouldnottellhimmore。Butoh，hisface！Hisface！Iwept。"

"Itkilledhim，ofcourse。ThelasttimeIsawhimIthoughthewasn’twell，buthelaughedatmysuggestionthatheseeadoctor。"

"ItisasGodwills。IthinkRalphdeBricassartwasoneofthemosttormentedmenIhaveeverknown。Indeathhewillfindthepeacehecouldnotfindhereinthislife。"

"Theboy，Vittorio！Atragedy。"

"Doyouthinkso？Ilikerathertothinkofitasbeautiful。IcannotbelieveDanefounddeathanythingbutwelcome，anditisnotsurprisingthatOurDearLordcouldnotwaitamomentlongertogatherDaneuntoHimself。Imourn，yes，notfortheboy。Forhismother，whomustsuffersomuch！Andforhissister，hisuncles，hisgrandmother。No，Idonotmournforhim。FatherO’neilllivedinalmosttotalpurityofmindandspirit。Whatcoulddeathbeforhimbuttheentranceintoeverlastinglife？Fortherestofus，thepassageisnotsoeasy。"

FromhishotelRainerdispatchedacabletoLondonwhichhecouldn’tallowtoconveyhisanger，hurtordisappointment。Itmerelysaid:MUSTRETURNBONNBUTWILLBEINLONDONWEEKENDSTOPWHYDIDN’TYOUTELLMEQUERYALLMYLOVERAIN

OnhisdeskintheofficeatBonnwereanexpressdeliveryletterfromJustine，andaregisteredpacketwhichhissecretaryinformedhimhadcomefromCardinaldeBricassart’slawyersinRome。Heopenedthisfirst，tolearnthatunderthetermsofRalphdeBricassart’swillhewastoaddanothercompanytohisalreadyformidablelistofdirectorships。MicharLimited。AndDrogheda。Exasperatedyetcuriouslytouched，heunderstoodthatthiswastheCardinal’swayoftellinghimthatinthefinalweighinghehadnotbeenfoundwanting，thattheprayersduringthewaryearshadbornefruit。IntoRainer’shandshehaddeliveredthefuturewelfareofMeggieO’neillandherpeople。OrsoRainerinterpretedit，forthewordingoftheCardinal’swillwasquiteimpersonal。Itcouldnotdarebeotherwise。Hethrewthepacketintothebasketforgeneralnonsecretcorrespondence，immediatereply，andopenedtheletterfromJustine。Itbeganbadly，withoutanykindofsalutation。

Thankyouforthecable。You’venoideahowgladIamthatwehaven’tbeenintouchtheselastcoupleofweeks，becauseIwouldhavehatedtohaveyouaround。AtthetimeallIcouldthinkwhenIthoughtofyouwas，thankGodyoudidn’tknow。Youmayfindthishardtounderstand，butIdon’twantyouanywherenearme。Thereisnothingprettyaboutgrief，Rain，noranywayyourwitnessingminecouldalleviateit。Indeed，youmightsaythishasprovedtomehowlittleIloveyou。IfIdidtrulyloveyouI’dturntoyouinstinctively，wouldn’tI？ButIfindmyselfturningaway。ThereforeIwouldmuchratherthatwecallitquitsforgoodandall，Rain。Ihavenothingtogiveyou，andIwantnothingfromyou。Thishastaughtmehowmuchpeoplemeanifthey’rearoundfortwenty-sixyears。Icouldn’tbearevertogothroughthisagain，andyousaidityourself，remember？Marriageornothing。Well，Ielectnothing。

MymothertellsmetheoldCardinaldiedafewhoursafterIleftDrogheda。Funny。Mumwasquitecutupabouthisdying。Notthatshesaidanything，butIknowher。BeatsmewhysheandDaneandyoulikedhimsomuch。Inevercould，Ithoughthewastoosmarmyforwords。AnopinionI’mnotpreparedtochangejustbecausehe’sdead。

Andthat’sit。Allthereis。IdomeanwhatIsay，Rain。NothingiswhatIelecttohavefromyou。Lookafteryourself。

Shehadsigneditwiththeusualbold，black"Justine，"anditwaswrittenwiththenewfelt-tippedpenshehadhailedsogleefullywhenhegaveittoher，asaninstrumentthickanddarkandpositiveenoughtosatisfyher。Hedidn’tfoldthenoteandputitinhiswallet，orburnit；hedidwhathedidwithallmailnotrequiringananswer-ranitthroughtheelectricshredderfixedtohiswastebaskettheminutehehadfinishedreadingit。ThinkingtohimselfthatDane’sdeathhadeffectivelyputanendtoJustine’semotionalawakening，andbitterlyunhappy。Itwasn’tfair。Hehadwaitedsolong。

AttheweekendheflewtoLondonanywaybutnottoseeher，thoughhedidseeher。Onthestage，astheMoor’sbelovedwife，Desdemona。Formidable。Therewasnothinghecoulddoforherthestagecouldn’t，notforawhile。That’smygoodgirl！Pouritalloutonthestage。

Onlyshecouldn’tpouritalloutonthestage，forshewastooyoungtoplayHecuba。Thestagewassimplytheoneplaceofferingpeaceandforgetfulness。Shecouldonlytellherself:Timehealsallwoundswhilenotbelievingit。Askingherselfwhyitshouldgoonhurtingso。WhenDanewasaliveshehadn’treallythoughtverymuchabouthimexceptwhenshewaswithhim，andaftertheyweregrownuptheirtimetogetherhadbeenlimited，theirvocationsalmostopposed。Buthisgoinghadcreatedagapsohugeshedespairedofeverfillingit。

Theshockofhavingtopullherselfupinthemidstofaspontaneousreaction-ImustremembertotellDaneaboutthis，he’llgetsuchakickoutofit-thatwaswhathurtthemost。Andbecauseitkeptonoccurringsooften，itprolongedthegrief。Hadthecircumstancessurroundinghisdeathbeenlesshorrifyingshemighthaverecoveredmorequickly，butthenightmareeventsofthosefewdaysremainedvivid。Shemissedhimunbearably；hermindwouldreturnagainandagaintotheincrediblefactofDanedead，Danewhowouldnevercomeback。

Thentherewastheconvictionthatshehadn’thelpedhimenough。Everyonesaveherseemedtothinkhewasperfect，didn’texperiencethetroublesothermendid，butJustineknewhehadbeenplaguedbydoubts，hadtormentedhimselfwithhisownunworthiness，hadwonderedwhatpeoplecouldseeinhimbeyondthefaceandthebody。PoorDane，whoneverseemedtounderstandthatpeoplelovedhisgoodness。Terribletorememberitwastoolatetohelphimnow。

Shealsogrievedforhermother。Ifhisdyingcoulddothistoher，whatmustithavedonetoMum？Thethoughtmadeherwanttorunscreamingandcryingfrommemory，consciousness。ThepictureoftheUnksinRomeforhisordination，puffingouttheirproudchestslikepouterpigeons。Thatwastheworstofall，visualizingtheemptydesolationofhermotherandtheotherDroghedapeople。

Behonest，Justine。Wasthishonestlytheworst？Wasn’ttheresomethingfarmoredisturbing？Shecouldn’tpushthethoughtofRainaway，orwhatshefeltasherbetrayalofDane。TogratifyherowndesiresshehadsentDanetoGreecealone，whentohavegonewithhimmighthavemeantlifeforhim。Therewasnootherwaytoseeit。DanehaddiedbecauseofherselfishabsorptioninRain。Toolatenowtobringherbrotherback，butifinneverseeingRainagainshecouldsomehowatone，thehungerandthelonelinesswouldbewellworthit。

Sotheweekswentby，andthenthemonths。Ayear，twoyears。Desdemona，Ophelia，Portia，Cleopatra。Fromtheverybeginningsheflatteredherselfshebehavedoutwardlyasifnothinghadhappenedtoruinherworld；shetookexquisitecareinspeaking，laughing，relatingtopeoplequitenormally。Iftherewasachange，itwasinthatshewaskinderthanofyore，forpeople’sgriefstendedtoaffectherasiftheywereherown。But，alltold，shewasthesameoutwardJustineflippant，exuberant，brash，detached，acerbic。TwiceshetriedtogohometoDroghedaonavisit，thesecondtimeevengoingsofarastopayforherplaneticket。Eachtimeanenormouslyimportantlastminutereasonwhyshecouldn’tgocroppedup，butsheknewtherealreasontobeacombinationofguiltandcowardice。Shejustwasn’tabletonerveherselftoconfronthermother；todosomeantthewholesorrytalewouldcomeout，probablyinthemidstofanoisystormofgriefshehadsofarmanagedtoavoid。TheDroghedapeople，especiallyhermother，mustcontinuetogoaboutsecureintheirconvictionthatJustineatanyratewasallright，thatJustinehadsurviveditrelativelyunscathed。So，bettertostayawayfromDrogheda。Muchbetter。

Meggiecaughtherselfonasigh，suppressedit。Ifherbonesdidn’tachesomuchshemighthavesaddledahorseandridden，buttodaythemerethoughtofitwaspainful。Someothertime，whenherarthritisdidn’tmakeitspresencefeltsocruelly。

Sheheardacar，thethumpofthebrassram’sheadonthefrontdoor，heardvoicesmurmuring，hermother’stones，footsteps。NotJustine，sowhatdiditmatter？

"Meggie，"saidFeefromtheverandaentrance，"wehaveavisitor。Couldyoucomeinside，please？"

Thevisitorwasadistinguished-lookingfellowinearlymiddleage，thoughhemighthavebeenyoungerthanheappeared。Verydifferentfromanymanshehadeverseen，exceptthathepossessedthesamesortofpowerandself-confidenceRalphusedtohave。Usedtohave。Thatmostfinaloftenses，nowtrulyfinal。

"Meggie，thisisMr。RainerHartheim，"saidFee，standingbesideherchair。"Oh！"exclaimedMeggieinvoluntarily，verysurprisedatthelookoftheRainwhohadfiguredsolargelyinJustine’slettersfromtheolddays。Then，rememberinghermanners，"Dositdown，Mr。Hartheim。"

Hetoowasstaring，startled。"You’renotabitlikeJustine！"hesaidratherblankly。

"No，I’mnot。"Shesatdownfacinghim。

"I’llleaveyoualonewithMr。Hartheim，Meggie，ashesayshewantstoseeyouprivately。Whenyou’rereadyforteayoumightring，"Feecommanded，anddeparted。

"You’reJustine’sGermanfriend，ofcourse，"saidMeggie，ataloss。Hepulledouthiscigarettecase。"MayI？"

"Pleasedo。"

"Wouldyoucareforone，Mrs。O’neill？"

"Thankyou，no。Idon’tsmoke。"Shesmoothedherdress。"You’realongwayfromhome，Mr。Hartheim。HaveyoubusinessinAustralia？"Hesmiled，wonderingwhatshewouldsayifsheknewthathewas，ineffect，themasterofDrogheda。Buthehadnointentionoftellingher，forhepreferredalltheDroghedapeopletothinktheirwelfarelayinthecompletelyimpersonalhandsofthegentlemanheemployedtoactashisgo-between。

"Please，Mrs。O’neill，mynameisRainer，"hesaid，givingitthesamepronunciationJustinedid，whilethinkingwrylythatthiswomanwouldn’tuseitspontaneouslyforsometimetocome；shewasnotonetorelaxwithstrangers。"No，Idon’thaveanyofficialbusinessinAustralia，butIdohaveagoodreasonforcoming。Iwantedtoseeyou。"

"Toseeme？"sheaskedinsurprise。Asiftocoversuddenconfusion，shewentimmediatelytoasafersubject:"Mybrothersspeakofyouoften。YouwereverykindtothemwhiletheywereinRomeforDane’sordination。"ShesaidDane’snamewithoutdistress，asifsheuseditfrequently。"Ihopeyoucanstayafewdays，andseethem。"

"1can，Mrs。O’neill；"heansweredeasily。

ForMeggietheinterviewwasprovingunexpectedlyawkward；hewasastranger，hehadannouncedthathehadcometwelvethousandmilessimplytoseeher，andapparentlyhewasinnohurrytoenlightenherastowhy。Shethoughtshewouldendinlikinghim，butshefoundhimslightlyintimidating。Perhapshiskindofmanhadnevercomewithinherkenbefore，andthiswaswhyhethrewheroff-balance。AverynovelconceptionofJustineenteredhermindatthatmoment:herdaughtercouldactuallyrelateeasilytomenlikeRainerMoerlingHartheim！ShethoughtofJustineasafellowwomanatlast。Thoughagingandwhite-hairedshewasstillverybeautiful，hewasthinkingwhileshesatgazingathimpolitely；hewasstillsurprisedthatshelookednotatalllikeJustine，asDanehadsostronglyresembledtheCardinal。Howterriblylonelyshemustbe！Yethecouldn’tfeelsorryforherinthewayhedidforJustine；clearly，shehadcometotermswithherself。"HowisJustine？"sheasked。

Heshrugged。"I’mafraidIdon’tknow。Ihaven’tseenhersincebeforeDanedied。"

Shedidn’tdisplayastonishment。"Ihaven’tseenhermyselfsinceDane’sfuneral，"shesaid，andsighed。"I’dhopedshewouldcomehome，butitbeginstolookasifsheneverwill。"

Hemadeasoothingnoisewhichshedidn’tseemtohear，forshewentonspeaking，butinadifferentvoice，moretoherselfthantohim。"Droghedaislikeahomefortheagedthesedays，"shesaid。"Weneedyoungblood，andJustine’sistheonlyyoungbloodleft。"

Pitydesertedhim；heleanedforwardquickly，eyesglittering。"Youspeakofherasifsheisachattelof

Drogheda，"hesaid，hisvoicenowharsh。"Iserveyounotice，Mrs。O’neill，sheisnot！"

"WhatrighthaveyoutojudgewhatJustineisorisn’t？"sheaskedangrily。"Afterall，yousaidyourselfthatyouhaven’tseenhersincebeforeDanedied，andthat’stwoyearsago！"

"Yes，you’reright。It’salloftwoyearsago。"Hespokemoregently，realizingafreshwhatherlifemustbelike。"Youbearitverywell，Mrs。O’neill。"

"DoI？"sheasked，tightlytryingtosmile，hereyesneverleavinghis。SuddenlyhebegantounderstandwhattheCardinalmusthaveseeninhertohavelovedhersomuch。Itwasn’tinJustine，butthenhehimselfwasnoCardinalRalph；helookedfordifferentthings。"Yes，youbearitverywell，"herepeated。

Shecaughttheundertoneatonce，andflinched。"HowdoyouknowaboutDaneandRalph？"sheaskedunsteadily。

"Iguessed。Don’tworry，Mrs。O’neill，nobodyelsedid。IguessedbecauseIknewtheCardinallongbeforeImetDane。InRomeeveryonethoughttheCardinalwasyourbrother，Dane’suncle，butJustinedisillusionedmeaboutthatthefirsttimeIevermether。"

"Justine？NotJustine！"Meggiecried。

Hereachedouttotakeherhand，beatingfranticallyagainstherknee。"No，no，no，Mrs。O’neill！Justinehasabsolutelynoideaofit，andIpraysheneverwill！Herslipwasquiteunintentional，believeme。"

"You’resure？"

"Yes，Iswearit。"

"TheninGod’sNamewhydoesn’tshecomehome？Whywon’tshecometoseeme？Whycan’tshebringherselftolookatmyface？"NotonlyherwordsbuttheagonyinhervoicetoldhimwhathadtormentedJustine’smotheraboutherabsencetheselasttwoyears。Hisownmission’simportancedwindled；nowhehadanewone，toallayMeggie’sfears。"Forthat1amtoblame，"hesaidfirmly。

"You？"askedMeggie，bewildered。

"JustinehadplannedtogotoGreecewithDane，andshe’sconvincedthathadshe，he’dstillbealive。"

"Nonsense！"saidMeggie。

"Q。Butthoughweknowit’snonsense，Justinedoesn’t。It’suptoyoutomakeherseeit。"

"Uptome？Youdon’tunderstand，Mr。Hartheim。Justinehasneverlistenedtomeinallherlife，andatthisstageanyinfluenceImightoncehavehadiscompletelygone。Shedoesn’tevenwanttoseemyface。"

Hertonewasdefeatedbutnotabject。"Ifellintothesametrapmymotherdid，"shewentonmatter-of-factly。"Droghedaismylife……thehouse，thebooks……HereI’mneeded，there’sstillsomepurposeinliving。Herearepeoplewhorelyonme。Mychildrenneverdid，youknow。Neverdid。""That’snottrue，Mrs。O’neill。Ifitwas，Justinecouldcomehometoyouwithoutaqualm。Youunderestimatethequalityoftheloveshebearsyou。WhenIsayIamtoblameforwhatJustineisgoingthrough，ImeanthatsheremainedinLondonbecauseofme，tobewithme。Butitisforyoushesuffers，notforme。"

Meggiestiffened。"Shehasnorighttosufferforme！Lethersufferforherselfifshemust，butnotforme。Neverforme！""ThenyoubelievemewhenIsayshehasnoideaofDaneandtheCardinal？"Hermannerchanged，asifhehadremindedhertherewereotherthingsatstake，andshewaslosingsightofthem。"Yes，"shesaid，"Ibelieveyou。""IcametoseeyoubecauseJustineneedsyourhelpandcannotaskforit，"heannounced。"Youmustconvincehersheneedstotakeupthethreadsofherlifeagain-notaDroghedalife，butherownlife，whichhasnothingtodowithDrogheda。"

Heleanedbackinhischair，crossedhislegsandlitanothercigarette。"Justinehasdonnedsomekindofhairshirt，butforallthewrongreasons。Ifanyonecanmakeherseeit，youcan。YetIwarnyouthatifyouchoosetodososhewillnevercomehome，whereasifshegoesonthewaysheis，shemaywellendupreturningherepermanently。

"Thestageisn’tenoughforsomeonelikeJustine，"hewenton，"andthedayiscomingwhenshe’sgoingtorealizethat。Thenshe’sgoingtooptforpeopleeitherherfamilyandDrogheda，orme。"Hesmiledatherwithdeepunderstanding。"ButpeoplearenotenoughforJustineeither，Mrs。O’neill。IfJustinechoosesme，shecanhavethestageaswell，andthatbonusDroghedacannotofferher。"Nowhewasgazingathersternly，asifatanadversary。"Icametoaskyoutomakesureshechoosesme。Itmayseemcrueltosaythis，butIneedhermorethanyoupossiblycould。"

ThestarchwasbackinMeggie。"Droghedaisn’tsuchabadchoice，"shecountered。"Youspeakasifitwouldbetheendofherlife，butitdoesn’tmeanthatatall，youknow。Shecouldhavethestage。Thisisatruecommunity。EvenifshemarriedBoyKing，ashisgrandfatherandIhavehopedforyears，herchildrenwouldbeaswellcaredforinherabsencesastheywouldbewereshemarriedtoyou。Thisisherhome！Sheknowsandunderstandsthiskindoflife。Ifshechoseit，she’dcertainlybeverywellawarewhatwasinvolved。Canyousaythesameforthesortoflifeyou’dofferher？""No，"hesaidstolidly。"ButJustinethrivesonsurprises。OnDroghedashe’dstagnate。"

"Whatyoumeanis，she’dbeunhappyhere。"

"No，notexactly。Ihavenodoubtthatifsheelectedtoreturnhere，marriedthisBoyKing-whoisthisBoyKing，bytheway？""Theheirtoaneighboringproperty，Bugela，andanoldchildhoodfriendwhowouldliketobemorethanafriend。Hisgrandfatherwantsthemarriagefordynasticreasons；IwantitbecauseIthinkit’swhatJustineneeds。"。"Isee。Well，ifshereturnedhereandmarriedBoyKing，she’dlearntobehappy。Buthappinessisarelativestate。Idon’tthinkshewouldeverknowthekindofsatisfactionshewouldfindwithme。Because，Mrs。O’neill，Justinelovesme，notBoyKing。"

"Thenshe’sgotaverystrangewayofshowingit，"saidMeggie，pullingthebellropefortea。"Besides，Mr。Hartheim，asIsaidearlier，Ithinkyouoverestimatemyinfluencewithher。JustinehasnevertakenascrapofnoticeofanythingIsay，letalonewant。"

"You’renobody’sfool，"heanswered。"Youknowyoucandoitifyouwantto。IcanasknomorethanthatyouthinkaboutwhatI’vesaid。Takeyourtime，there’snohurry。I’mapatientman。"

Meggiesmiled。"Thenyou’reararity，"shesaid。Hedidn’tbroachthesubjectagain，nordidshe。Duringtheweekofhisstayhebehavedlikeanyotherguest，thoughMeggiehadafeelinghewastryingtoshowherwhatkindofmanhewas。Howmuchherbrotherslikedhimwasclear；fromthemomentwordreachedthepaddocksofhisarrival，theyallcameinandstayedinuntilheleftforGermany。Feelikedhim，too；hereyeshaddeterioratedtothepointwhereshecouldnolongerkeepthebooks，butshewasfarfromsenile。Mrs。Smithhaddiedinhersleepthepreviouswinter，notbeforeherduetime，andratherthaninflictanewhousekeeperonMinnieandCat，botholdbutstillhale，FeehadpassedthebookscompletelytoMeggieandmoreorlessfilledMrs。Smith’splaceherself。ItwasFeewhofirstrealizedRainerwasadirectlinkwiththatpartofDane’slifenooneonDroghedahadeverhadopportunitytoshare，sosheaskedhimtospeakofit。Heobligedgladly，havingquicklynoticedthatnoneoftheDroghedapeoplewereatallreluctanttotalkofDane，andderivedgreatpleasurefromlisteningtonewtalesabouthim。

BehindhermaskofpolitenessMeggiecouldn’tgetawayfromwhatRainhadtoldher，couldn’tstopdwellingonthechoicehehadofferedher。ShehadlongsincegivenuphopeofJustine’sreturn，onlytohavehimalmostguaranteeit，admittoothatJustinewouldbehappyifshedidreturn。Also，foroneotherthingshehadtobeintenselygratefultohim:hehadlaidtheghostofherfearthatsomehowJustinehaddiscoveredthelinkbetweenDaneandRalph。

AsformarriagetoRain，Meggiedidn’tseewhatshecoulddotopushJustinewhereapparentlyshehadnodesiretogo。Orwasitthatshedidn’twanttosee？ShehadendedinlikingRainverymuch，buthishappinesscouldn’tpossiblymatterasmuchtoherasthewelfareofherdaughter，oftheDroghedapeople，andofDroghedaitself。Thecrucialquestionwas，howvitaltoJustine’sfuturehappinesswasRain？InspiteofhiscontentionthatJustinelovedhim，Meggiecouldn’trememberherdaughtereversayinganythingwhichmightindicatethatRainheldthesamesortofimportanceforherasRalphhaddoneforMeggie。

"IpresumeyouwillseeJustinesoonerorlater，"MeggiesaidtoRainwhenshedrovehimtotheairport。"Whenyoudo，I’dratheryoudidn’tmentionthisvisittoDrogheda。"

"Ifyouprefer，"hesaid。"IwouldonlyaskyoutothinkaboutwhatI’vesaid，andtakeyourtime。"Butevenashemadehisrequest，hecouldn’thelpfeelingthatMeggiehadreapedfarmorebenefitfromhisvisitthanhehad。

Whenthemid-AprilcamethatwastwoandahalfyearsafterDane’sdeath，Justineexperiencedanoverwhelmingdesiretoseesomethingthatwasn’trowsofhouses。Suddenlyonthisbeautifuldayofsoftspringairandchillysun，urbanLondonwasintolerable。SoshetookaDistrictLinetraintoKewGardens，pleasedthatitwasaTuesdayandshewouldhavetheplacealmosttoherself。Norwassheworkingthatnight，soitdidn’tmatterifsheexhaustedherselftrampingthebyways。

Sheknewtheparkwell，ofcourse。LondonwasajoytoanyDroghedaperson，withitsmassesofformalflowerbeds，butKewwasinaclassallitsown。IntheolddayssheusedtohauntitfromApriltotheendofOctober，foreverymonthhadadifferentfloraldisplaytooffer。

Mid-Aprilwasherfavoritetime，theperiodofdaffodilsandazaleasandfloweringtrees。Therewasonespotshethoughtcouldlaysomeclaimtobeingoneoftheworld’sloveliestsightsonasmall，intimatescale，soshesatdownonthedampground，anaudienceofone，todrinkitin。Asfarastheeyecouldseestretchedasheetofdaffodils；inmid-distancethenoddingyellowhordeofbellsflowedaroundagreatfloweringalmond，itsbranchessoheavywithwhitebloomstheydippeddownwardinarchingfallsasperfectandstillasaJapanesepainting。Peace。Itwassohardtocomeby。Andthen，herheadfarbacktomemorizetheabsolutebeautyoftheladenalmondamiditsripplinggoldensea，somethingfarlessbeautifulintruded。RainerMoerlingHartheim，ofallpeople，threadinghiscarefulwaythroughclumpsofdaffodils，hisbulkshieldedfromthechillybreezebytheinevitableGermanleathercoat，thesunglitteringinhissilveryhair。

"You’llgetacoldinyourkidneys，"hesaid，takingoffhiscoatandspreadingitliningsideuponthegroundsotheycouldsitonit。"Howdidyoufindmehere？"sheasked，wrigglingontoabrownsatincorner。"Mrs。KellytoldmeyouhadgonetoKew。Therestwaseasy。IjustwalkeduntilIfoundyou。"

"IsupposeyouthinkIoughttobefallingalloveryouingladness，tra-la？"

"Areyou？"

"SameoldRain，answeringaquestionwithaquestion。No，I’mnotgladtoseeyou。IthoughtI’dmanagedtomakeyoucrawlupahollowlogpermanently。"

"It’shardtokeepagoodmanupahollowlogpermanently。Howareyou？""I’mallright。"

"Haveyoulickedyourwoundsenough？"

No。

"Well，that’stobeexpected，Isuppose。ButIbegantorealizethatonceyouhaddismissedmeyou’dneveragainhumbleyourpridetomakethefirstmovetowardreconciliation。WhereasI，Herzchen，amwiseenoughtoknowthatpridemakesaverylonelybedfellow。"

"Don’tgogettinganyideasaboutkickingitouttomakeroomforyourself，Rain，becauseI’mwarningyou，Iamnottakingyouoninthatcapacity。""Idon’twantyouinthatcapacityanymore。"

Thepromptnessofhisanswerirritatedher，butsheadoptedarelievedairandsaid，"Honestly？"

"IfIdid，doyouthinkIcouldhavebornetokeepawayfromyousolong？Youwereapassingfancyinthatway，butIstillthinkofyouasadearfriend，andmissyouasadearfriend。"

"Oh，Rain，sodoI！"

"That’sgood。AmIadmittedasafriend，then？""Ofcourse。"

Helaybackonthecoatandputhisarmsbehindhishead，smilingatherlazily。"Howoldareyou，thirty？Inthosedisgracefulclothesyoulookmorelikeascrubbyschoolgirl。Ifyoudon’tneedmeinyourlifeforanyotherreason，Justine，youcertainlydoasyourpersonalarbiterofelegance。"Shelaughed。"IadmitwhenIthoughtyoumightpopupoutofthewoodworkIdidtakemoreinterestinmyappearance。IfI’mthirty，though，you’renospringchookyourself。Youmustbefortyatleast。Doesn’tseemlikesuchahugedifferenceanymore，doesit？You’velostweight。Areyouallright，Rain？"

"Iwasneverfat，onlybig，sosittingatadeskallthetimehasshrunkme，notmademeexpand。"

Slidingdownandturningontoherstomach，sheputherfaceclosetohis，smiling。"Oh，Rain，it’ssogoodtoseeyou！Nooneelsegivesmearunformymoney。"

"PoorJustine！Andyouhavesomuchofitthesedays，don’tyou？""Money？"Shenodded。"Odd，thattheCardinalshouldhaveleftallofhistome。Well，halftomeandhalftoDane，butofcourseIwasDane’ssolelegatee。"Herfacetwistedinspiteofherself。Sheduckedherheadawayandpretendedtolookatonedaffodilinaseaofthemuntilshecouldcontrolhervoiceenoughtosay，"Youknow，Rain，I’dgivemyeyeteethtolearnjustwhattheCardinalwastomyfamily。Afriend，onlythat？Morethanthat，insomemysteriousway。Butjustwhat，Idon’tknow。IwishIdid。""No，youdon’t。"Hegottohisfeetandextendedhishand。"Come，Herzchen，I’llbuyyoudinneranywhereyouthinktherewillbeeyestoseethatthebreachbetweenthecarrot-toppedAustralianactressandthecertainmemberoftheGermancabinetishealed。Myreputationasaplayboyhasdeterioratedsinceyouthrewmeout。"

"You’llhavetowatchit，myfriend。Theydon’tcallmeacarrot-toppedAustralianactressanymore-thesedaysI’mthatlush，gorgeous，titian-hairedBritishactress，thankstomyimmortalinterpretationofCleopatra。Don’ttellmeyoudidn’tknowthecriticsarecallingmethemostexoticCleoinyears？"ShecockedherarmsandhandsintotheposeofanEgyptianhieroglyph。

Hiseyestwinkled。"Exotic？"heaskeddoubtfully。"Yes，exotic，"shesaidfirmly。

CardinalVittoriowasdead，soRaindidn’tgotoRomeverymuchanymore。HecametoLondoninstead。AtfirstJustinewassodelightedshedidn’tlookanyfurtherthanthefriendshipheoffered，butasthemonthspassedandhefailedbywordorlooktomentiontheirpreviousrelationship，hermildindignationbecamesomethingmoredisturbing。Notthatshewantedaresumptionofthatotherrelationship，shetoldherselfconstantly；shehadfinishedcompletelywiththatsortofthing，didn’tneedordesireitanymore。NordidshepermithermindtodwellonanimageofRainsosuccessfullyburiedsheremembereditonlyintraitorousdreams。ThosefirstfewmonthsafterDanediedhadbeendreadful，resistingthelongingtogotoRain，feelhimwithherinbodyandspirit，knowingfullwellhewouldbeifshelethim。ButshecouldnotallowthiswithhisfaceovershadowedbyDane’s。Itwasrighttodismisshim，righttobattletoobliterateeverylastflickerofdesireforhim。Andastimewentonanditseemedhewasgoingtostayoutofherlifepermanently，herbodysettledintounarousedtorpor，andherminddisciplineditselftoforget。ButnowRainwasbackitwasgrowingmuchharder。Sheitchedtoaskhimwhetherherememberedthatotherrelationship-howcouldhehaveforgottenit？Certainlyforherselfshehadquitefinishedwithsuchthings，butitwouldhavebeengratifyingtolearnhehadn’t；thatis，providedofcoursesuchthingsforhimspelledJustine，，andonlyJustine。Pipedreams。Raindidn’thavethemienofamanwhowaswastingawayofunrequitedlove，mentalorphysical，andheneverdisplayedtheslightestwishtoreopenthatphaseoftheirlives。Hewantedherforafriend，enjoyedherasafriend。Excellent！Itwaswhatshewanted，too。Only……couldhehaveforgotten？No，itwasn’tpossible-butGoddamnhimifhehad！ThenightJustine’sthoughtprocessesreachedsofar，herseason’sroleofLadyMacbethhadaninterestingsavageryquitealientoherusualinterpretation。Shedidn’tsleepverywellafterward，andthefollowingmorningbroughtaletterfromhermotherwhichfilledherwithvagueunease。Mumdidn’twriteoftenanymore，asymptomofthelongseparationwhichaffectedthemboth，andwhatletterstherewerewerestilted，anemic。Thiswasdifferent，itcontainedadistantmutterofoldage，anunderlyingwearinesswhichpokedupawordortwoabovethesurfaceinanitieslikeaniceberg。Justinedidn’tlikeit。Old。Mum，old！WhatwashappeningonDrogheda？WasMumtryingtoconcealsomeserioustrouble？WasNannaill？OneoftheUnks？Godforbid，Mumherself？Itwasthreeyearssinceshehadseenanyofthem，andalotcouldhappeninthreeyears，evenifitwasn’thappeningtoJustineO’neill。Becauseherownlifewasstagnantanddull，sheoughtnottoassumeeveryoneelse’swas，too。ThatnightwasJustine’s"off"night，withonlyonemoreperformanceofMacbethtogo。Thedaylighthourshaddraggedunbearably，andeventhethoughtofdinnerwithRaindidn’tcarryitsusualanticipatorypleasure。Theirfriendshipwasuseless，futile，static，shetoldherselfasshescrambledintoadressexactlytheorangehehatedmost。Conservativeoldfuddy-duddy！IfRaindidn’tlikeherthewayshewas，hecouldlumpher。Then，fluffingupthelowbodice’sfrillsaroundhermeagerchest，shecaughtherowneyesinthemirrorandlaughedruefully。Oh，whatatempestinateacup！Shewasactingexactlylikethekindoffemaleshemostdespised。Itwasprobablyverysimple。Shewasstale，sheneededarest。ThankGodfortheendofLadyM！ButwhatwasthematterwithMum？LatelyRainwasspendingmoreandmoretimeinLondon，andJustinemarveledattheeasewithwhichhecommuted-betweenBonnandEngland。Nodoubthavingaprivateplanehelped，butithadtobeexhausting。"Whydoyoucometoseemesooften？"sheaskedoutoftheblue。"EverygossipcolumnistinEuropethinksit’sgreat，butIconfessIsometimeswonderifyoudon’tsimplyusemeasanexcusetovisitLondon。"

"It’struethatIuseyouasablindfromtimetotime，"headmittedcalmly。"Asamatteroffact，you’vebeendustincertaineyesquitealot。Butit’snohardshipbeingwithyou，becauseIlikebeingwithyou。"Hisdarkeyesdwelledonherfacethoughtfully。"You’reveryquiettonight，Herzchen。Isanythingworryingyou？"

"No，notreally。"Shetoyedwithherdessertandpusheditasideuneaten。"Atleast，onlyasillylittlething。MumandIdon’twriteeveryweekanymoreit’ssolongsincewe’veseeneachotherthere’snothingmuchtosay-buttodayIhadsuchastrangeletterfromher。Nottypicalatall。"，Hisheartsank；Meggiehadindeedtakenhertimethinkingaboutit，butinstincttoldhimthiswasthecommencementofhermove，andthatitwasnotinhisfavor。ShewasbeginningherplaytogetherdaughterbackforDrogheda，perpetuatethedynasty。

HereachedacrossthetabletotakeJustine’shand；shewaslooking，hethought，morebeautifulwithmaturity，inspiteofthatghastlydress。Tinylineswerebeginningtogiveherragamuffinfacedignity，whichitbadlyneeded，andcharacter，whichthepersonbehindhadalwaysownedinhugequantities。Buthowdeepdidhersurfacematuritygo？ThatwasthewholetroublewithJustine；shedidn’tevenwanttolook。"Herzchen，yourmotherislonely，"hesaid，burninghisboats。IfthiswaswhatMeggiewanted，howcouldhecontinuetothinkhimselfrightandherwrong？Justinewasherdaughter；shemustknowherfarbetterthanhe。"Yes，perhaps，"saidJustinewithafrown，"butIcan’thelpfeelingthere’ssomethingmoreatbaseofit。Imean，shemusthavebeenlonelyforyears，sowhythissuddenwhateveritis？Ican’tputmyfingeronit，Rain，andmaybethat’swhatworriesmethemost。"

"She’sgrowingolder，whichIthinkyoutendtoforget。It’sverypossiblethingsarebeginningtopreyuponherwhichshefoundeasiertocontendwithinthepast。"Hiseyeslookedsuddenlyremote，asifthebrainbehindwasconcentratingveryhardonsomethingatvariancewithwhathewassaying。"Justine，threeyearsagoshelostheronlyson。Doyouthinkthatpaingrowslessastimepasses？Ithinkitmustgrowworse。Heisgone，andshemustsurelyfeelbynowthatyouaregone，too。Afterall，youhaven’tevenbeenhometovisither。"

Sheshuthereyes。"Iwill，Rain，Iwill！IpromiseIwill，andsoon！You’reright，ofcourse，butthenyoualwaysare。IneverthoughtI’dcometomissDrogheda，butlatelyIseemtobedevelopingquiteanaffectionforit。AsifIamapartofitafterall。"

Helookedsuddenlyathiswatch，smiledruefully。"I’mverymuchafraidtonightisoneofthoseoccasionswhenI’veusedyou，Herzchen。Ihatetoaskyoutofindyourownwayhome，butinlessthananhourIhavetomeetsomeveryimportantgentlemeninatop-secretplace，towhichImustgoinmyowncar，drivenbythetriple-A-security-clearancedFritz。"

"Cloakanddagger！"shesaidgaily，concealingherhurt。"NowIknowwhythosesuddentaxis！1amtobeentrustedtoacabby，butnotthefutureoftheCommonMarket，eh？Well，justtoshowyouhowlittleIneedataxioryoursecurity-clearancedFritz，I’mgoingtocatchthetubehome。It’squiteearly。"Hisfingerslayratherlimplyaroundhers；sheliftedhishandandhelditagainsthercheek，thenkissedit。"Oh，Rain，Idon’tknowwhatI’ddowithoutyou！"

Heputthehandinhispocket，gottohisfeet，cameroundandpulledoutherchairwithhisotherhand。"I’myourfriend，"hesaid。"That’swhatfriendsarefor，nottobedonewithout。"

Butonceshepartedfromhim，Justinewenthomeina，vthoughtfulmood，whichturnedrapidlyintoadepressedone。Tonightwastheclosesthehadcometoanykindofpersonaldiscussion，andthegistofithadbeenthathefelthermotherwasterriblylonely，growingold，andthatsheoughttogohome。Visit，hehadsaid；butshecouldn’thelpwonderingifhehadactuallymeantstay。Whichratherindicatedthatwhateverhefeltforherinthepastwaswellandtrulyofthepast，andhehadnowishtoresurrectit。Ithadneveroccurredtoherbeforetowonderifhemightregardherasanuisance，apartofhispasthewouldliketoseeburiedindecentobscurityonsomeplacelikeDrogheda；butmaybehedid。Inwhichcase，whyhadhere-enteredherlifeninemonthsago？Becausehefeltsorryforher？Becausehefeltheowedhersomekindofdebt？Becausehefeltsheneededsomesortofpushtowardhermother，forDane’ssake？HehadbeenveryfondofDane，andwhoknewwhattheyhadtalkedaboutduringthoselongvisitstoRomewhenshehadn’tbeenpresent？MaybeDanehadaskedhimtokeepaneyeonher，andhewasdoingjustthat。Waitedadecentintervaltomakesureshewouldn’tshowhimthedoor，thenmarchedbackintoherlifetofulfillsomepromisemadetoDane。Yes，thatwasverylikelytheanswer。Certainlyhewasnolongerinlovewithher。Whateverattractionshehadoncepossessedforhimmusthavediedlongsince；afterall，shehadtreatedhimabominably。Shehadonlyherselftoblame。

Upontheheelsofwhichthoughtsheweptmiserably，succeededingettingenoughholduponherselftotellherselfnottobesostupid，twistedaboutandthumpedherpillowinafruitlessquestaftersleep，thenlaydefeatedtryingtoreadascript。Afterafewpagesthewordsbegantraitorouslytoblurandswimtogether，andtryasshewouldtouseheroldtrickofbulldozingdespairintosomebackcornerofhermind，itendedinoverwhelmingher。FinallyastheslovenlylightofalateLondondawnseepedthroughthewindowsshesatdownatherdesk，feelingthecold，hearingthedistantgrowloftraffic，smellingthedamp，tastingthesourness。SuddenlytheideaofDroghedaseemedwonderful。Sweetpureair，anaturallybrokensilence。Peace。Shepickeduponeofherblackfelt-tippedpensandbeganalettertohermother，hertearsdryingasshewrote。

IjusthopeyouunderstandwhyIhaven’tbeenhomesinceDanedied[shesaid]，butnomatterwhatyouthinkaboutthat，Iknowyou’llbepleasedtohearthatI’mgoingtorectifymyomissionpermanently。Yes，that’sright。I’mcominghomeforgood，Mum。Youwereright-thetimehascomewhenIlongforDrogheda。I’vehadmyflutter，andI’vediscovereditdoesn’tmeananythingtomeatall。What’sinitforme，trailingaroundastagefortherestofmylife？Andwhatelseistherehereformeasidefromthestage？Iwantsomethingsafe，permanent，enduring，soI’mcominghometoDrogheda，whichisallthosethings。Nomoreemptydreams。Whoknows？MaybeI’llmarryBoyKingifhestillwantsme，finallydosomethingworthwhilewithmylife，likehavingatribeoflittleNorthwestplainsmen。I’mtired，Mum，sotiredIdon’tknowwhatI’msaying，andIwishIhadthepowertowritewhatI’mfeeling。

Well，I’llstrugglewithitanothertime。LadyMacbethisoverandIhadn’tdecidedwhattodowiththecomingseasonyet，soIwon’tinconvenienceanyonebydecidingtobowoutofacting。Londonisteemingwithactresses。Clydecanreplacemeadequatelyintwoseconds，butyoucan’t，canyou？I’msorryit’stakenmethirty-oneyearstorealizethat。HadRainnothelpedmeitmighthavetakenevenlonger，buthe’samostperceptivebloke。He’snevermetyou，yetheseemstounderstandyoubetterthanIdo。Still，theysaytheonlookerseesthegamebest。That’scertainlytrueofhim。I’mfedupwithhim，alwayssupervisingmylifefromhisOlympianheights。HeseemstothinkheowesDanesomesortofdebtorpromise，andhe’sforevermakinganuisanceofhimselfpoppingovertoseeme；onlyI’vefinallyrealizedthatI’mthenuisance。IfI’msafelyonDroghedathedebtorpromiseorwhateveritwasiscanceled，isn’tit？HeoughttobegratefulfortheplanetripsI’llsavehim，anyway。AssoonasI’vegotmyselforganizedI’llwriteagain，tellyouwhentoexpectme。Inthemeantime，rememberthatinmystrangewayIdoloveyou。

Shesignedhernamewithoutitsusualflourish，morelikethe"Justine"whichusedtoappearonthebottomofdutifulletterswrittenfromboardingschoolundertheeagleeyeofacensoringnun。Thenshefoldedthesheets，puttheminanairmailenvelopeandaddressedit。OnthewaytothetheaterforthefinalperformanceofMacbethshepostedit。ShewentstraightaheadwithherplanstoquitEngland。Clydewasupsettotheextentofascreamingtempertantrumwhichlefthershaking，thenovernightheturnedcompletelyaboutandgaveinwithhuffygoodgrace。Therewasnodifficultyatallindisposingoftheleasetothemewsflatforitwasinahigh-demandcategory；infact，oncethewordleakedoutpeoplerangeveryfiveminutesuntilshetookthephoneoffthehook。Mrs。Kelly，whohad"done"forhersincethosefar-offdayswhenshehadfirstcometoLondon，ploddeddolefullyaroundamidajungleofwoodshavingsandcrates，bemoaningherfateandsurreptitiouslyputtingthephonebackonitscradleinthehopesomeonewouldringwiththepowertopersuadeJustinetochangehermind。

Inthemidstoftheturmoil，someonewiththatpowerdidring，onlynottopersuadehertochangehermind；Raindidn’tevenknowshewasgoing。HemerelyaskedhertoactashishostessforadinnerpartyhewasgivingathishouseonParkLane。

"Whatdoyoumean，houseonParkLane？"Justinesqueaked，astonished。"Well，withgrowingBritishparticipationintheEuropeanEconomicCommunity，I’mspendingsomuchtimeinEnglandthatit’sbecomemorepracticalformetohavesomesortoflocalpied-a-terre，soI’veleasedahouseonParkLane，"heexplained。

"Yegods，Rain，youflamingsecretivebastard！Howlonghaveyouhadit？""Aboutamonth。"

"Andyouletmegothroughthatidioticcharadetheothernightandsaidnothing？Goddamnyou！"Shewassoangryshecouldn’tspeakproperly。"Iwasgoingtotellyou，butIgotsuchakickoutofyourthinkingIwasflyingoverallthetimethatIcouldn’tresistpretendingabitlonger，"hesaidwithalaughinhisvoice。

"Icouldkillyou！"shegroundfrombetweenherteeth，blinkingawaytears。"No，Herzchen，please！Don’tbeangry！Comeandbemyhostess，thenyoucaninspectthepremisestoyourheart’scontent。"

"Suitablychaperonedbyfivemillionotherguests，ofcourse！What’sthematter，Rain，don’tyoutrustyourselfalonewithme？Orisitmeyoudon’ttrust？"

"Youwon’tbeaguest，"hesaid，answeringthefirstpartofhertirade。"You’llbemyhostess，whichisquitedifferent。Willyoudoit？"Shewipedthetearsawaywiththebackofherhandandsaidgruffly，"Yes。"Itturnedouttobemoreenjoyablethanshehaddaredhope，forRain’shousewastrulybeautifulandhehimselfinsuchagoodmoodJustinecouldn’thelpbutbecomeinfectedbyit。Shearrivedproperlythoughalittletooflamboyantlygownedforhistaste，butafteraninvoluntarygrimaceatfirstsightofhershockingpinkslippersatin，hetuckedherarmthroughhisandconductedheraroundthepremisesbeforetheguestsarrived。Thenduringtheeveninghebehavedperfectly，treatingherinfrontoftheotherswithanoffhandintimacywhichmadeherfeelbothusefulandwanted。Hisguestsweresopoliticallyimportantherbraindidn’twanttothinkaboutthesortofdecisionstheymusthavetomake。Suchordinarypeople，too。Thatmadeitworse。

"Iwouldn’thavemindedsomuchifevenoneofthemhaddisplayedsymptomsoftheChosenFew，"shesaidtohimaftertheyhadgone，gladofthechancetobealonewithhimandwonderinghowquicklyhewasgoingtosendherhome。"Youknow，likeNapoleonorChurchill。There’salottobesaidforbeingconvincedoneisamanofdestiny，ifoneisastatesman。Doyouregardyourselfasamanofdestiny？"

Hewinced。"Youmightchooseyourquestionsbetterwhenyou’requizzingaGerman，Justine。No，Idon’t，anditisn’tgoodforpoliticianstodeemthemselvesmenofdestiny。Itmightworkforaveryfew，thoughIdoubtit，butthevastbulkofsuchmencausethemselvesandtheircountriesendlesstrouble。"

Shehadnodesiretoarguethepoint。Ithadserveditspurposeingettingacertainlineofconversationstarted；shecouldchangethesubjectwithoutlookingtooobvious。"Thewiveswereaprettymixedbunch，weren’tthey？"sheaskedartlessly。"MostofthemwerefarlesspresentablethanIwas，evenifyoudon’tapproveofhotpink。Mrs。Whatsitwasn’ttoobad，andMrs。Hoojarsimplydisappearedintothematchingwallpaper，butMrs。Gumfoozlerwasabominable。Howdoesherhusbandmanagetoputupwithher？Oh，menaresuchfoolsaboutchoosingtheirwives！"

"Justine！Whenwillyoulearntoremembernames？It’saswellyouturnedmedown，afinepolitician’swifeyouwouldhavemade。Iheardyouhummingwhenyoucouldn’trememberwhotheywere。Manymenwithabominablewiveshavesucceededverywell，andjustasmanywithquiteperfectwiveshaven’tsucceededatall。Inthelongrunitdoesn’tmatter，becauseit’sthecaliberofthemanwhichisputtothetest。Therearefewmenwhomarryforreasonspurelypolitic。"

Thatoldabilitytoputherinherplacecouldstillshock；shemadehimamocksalaamtohideherface，thensatdownontherug。"Oh，dogetup，Justine！"

Insteadshedefiantlycurledherfeetunderherandleanedagainstthewalltoonesideofthefireplace，strokingNatasha。ShehaddiscoveredonherarrivalthatafterCardinalVittorio’sdeathRainhadtakenhiscat；heseemedveryfondofit，thoughitwasoldandrathercrotchety。"DidItellyouIwasgoinghometoDroghedaforgood？"sheaskedsuddenly。Hewastakingacigaretteoutofhiscase；thebighandsdidn’tfalterortremble，butproceeded，smoothlywiththeirtask。"Youknowverywellyoudidn’ttellme，"hesaid。

"ThenI’mtellingyounow。"

"Whendidyoucometothisdecision？"

"Fivedaysago。I’mleavingattheendofthisweek，Ihope。Itcan’tcomesoonenough。"

"Isee。"

"Isthatallyou’vegottosayaboutit？"

"Whatelseistheretosay，exceptthatIwishyouhappinessinwhateveryoudo？"Hespokewithsuchcompletecomposureshewinced。"Why，thankyou！"shesaidairily。"Aren’tyougladIwon’tbeinyourhairmuchlonger？"

"You’renotinmyhair，Justine，"heanswered。SheabandonedNatasha，pickedupthepokerandbeganrathersavagelynudgingthecrumblinglogs，whichhadburnedawaytohollowshells；theycollapsedinwardinabriefflurryofsparks，andtheheatofthefireabruptlydecreased。"Itmustbethedemonofdestructivenessinus，theimpulsetopokethegutsoutofafire。Itonlyhastenstheend。Butwhatabeautifulend，isn’tit，Rain？"

Apparentlyhewasn’tinterestedinwhathappenedtofireswhentheywerepoked，forhemerelyasked，"Bytheendoftheweek，eh？You’renotwastingmuchtime。"

"What’sthepointindelaying？"

"Andyourcareer？"

"I’msickofmycareer。Anyway，afterLadyMacbethwhatistherelefttodo？"

"Oh，growup，Justine！Icouldshakeyouwhenyoucomeoutwithsuchsophomoricrot！Whynotsimplysayyou’renotsurethetheaterhasanychallengeforyouanymore，andthatyou’rehomesick？""Allright，allright，allright！Haveitanywayyoubloodywellwant！Iwasbeingmyusualflippantself。SorryIoffended！"Shejumpedtoherfeet。"Dammit，wherearemyshoes？What’shappenedtomycoat？"Fritzappearedwithbotharticlesofclothing，anddroveherhome。Rainexcusedhimselffromaccompanyingher，sayinghehadthingstodo，butasshelefthewassittingbythefreshlybuiltupfire，Natashaonhislap，lookinganythingbutbusy。

"Well，"saidMeggietohermother，"Ihopewe’vedonetherightthing。"Feepeeredather，nodded。"Oh，yes，I’msureofit。ThetroublewithJustineisthatsheisn’tcapableofmakingadecisionlikethis，sowedon’thaveanychoice。Wemustmakeitforher。"

"I’mnotsureIlikeplayingGod。IthinkIknowwhatshereallywantstodo，butevenifIcouldtaxherwithitfacetoface，she’dprevaricate。""TheClearypride，"saidFee，smilingfaintly。"Itdoescropupinthemostunexpectedpeople。"

"Goon，it’snotallClearypride！I’vealwaysfanciedtherewasalittledashofArmstronginitaswell。"

ButFeeshookherhead。"No。WhyeverIdidwhatIdid，pridehardlyenteredintoit。That’sthepurposeofoldage，Meggie。Togiveusabreathingspacebeforewedie，inwhichtoseewhywedidwhatwedid。"

"Providedsenilitydoesn’trenderusincapablefirst，"saidMeggiedryly。"Notthatthere’sanydangerofthatinyou。Norinme，Isuppose。""Maybesenility’samercyshowntothosewhocouldn’tfaceretrospection。Anyway，you’renotoldenoughyettosayyou’veavoidedsenility。Giveitan-othertwentyyears。"

"Anothertwentyyears！"Meggieechoed，dismayed。"Oh，itsoundssolong！""Well，youcouldhavemadethosetwentyyearslesslonely，couldn’tyou？"Feeasked，knittingindustriously。

"Yes，Icould。Butitwouldn’thavebeenworthit，Mum。Wouldit？"ShetappedJustine’sletterwiththeknobofoneancientknittingneedle，theslightesttraceofdoubtinhertone。"I’veditheredlongenough。SittinghereeversinceRainercame，hopingIwouldn’tneedtodoanythingatall，hopingthedecisionwouldn’trestwithme。Yethewasright。Intheend，it’sbeenformetodo。"

"Well，youmightconcedeIdidabittoo，"Feeprotested，injured。"Thatis，onceyousurrenderedenoughofyourpridetotellmeallaboutit。""Yes，youhelped，"saidMeggiegently。

Theoldclockticked；bothpairsofhandscontinuedtoflashaboutthetortoise-shellstemsoftheirneedles。

"Tellmesomething，Mum，"saidMeggiesuddenly。"WhydidyoubreakoverDanewhenyoudidn’toverDaddyorFrankorStu？""Break？"Fee’shandspaused，laiddowntheneedles:shecouldstillknitaswellasinthedayswhenshecouldseeperfectly。"Howdoyoumean，break？""Asthoughitkilledyou。"

"Theyallkilledme，Meggie。ButIwasyoungerforthefirstthree，soIhadtheenergytoconcealitbetter。Morereason，too。Justlikeyounow。ButRalphknewhowIfeltwhenDaddyandStudied。Youweretooyoungtohaveseenit。"Shesmiled。"IadoredRalph，youknow。Hewas……someonespecial。AwfullylikeDane。"

"Yes，hewas。Ineverrealizedyou’dseenthat，Mum-Imeantheirnatures。Funny。You’reaDarkestAfricatome。TherearesomanythingsaboutyouIdon’tknow。"

"Ishouldhopeso！"saidFeewithasnortoflaughter。Herhandsremainedquiet。"Gettingbacktotheoriginalsubject-ifyoucandothisnowforJustine，Meggie，I’dsayyou’vegainedmorefromyourtroublesthanIdidfrommine。Iwasn’twillingtodoasRalphaskedandlookoutforyou。Iwantedmymemories……nothingbutmymemories。Whereasyou’venochoice。Memoriesareallyou’vegot。"

"Well，they’reacomfort，oncethepaindiesdown。Don’tyouthinkso？Ihadtwenty-sixwholeyearsofDane，andI’velearnedtotellmyselfthatwhathappenedmustbeforthebest，thathemusthavebeensparedsomeawfulordealhemightnothavebeenstrongenoughtoendure。LikeFrank，perhaps，onlynotthesame。Thereareworsethingsthandying，webothknowthat。""Aren’tyoubitteratall？"askedFee。

"Oh，atfirstIwas，butfortheirsakesI’vetaughtmyselfnottobe。"Feeresumedherknitting。"Sowhenwego，therewillbenoone，"shesaidsoftly。"Droghedawillbenomore。Oh，they’llgiveitalineinthehistorybooks，andsomeearnestyoungmanwillcometoGillytointerviewanyonehecanfindwhoremembers，forthebookhe’sgoingtowriteaboutDrogheda。LastofthemightyNewSouthWalesstations。Butnoneofhisreaderswilleverknowwhatitwasreallylike，becausetheycouldn’t。They’dhavetohavebeenapartofit。"

"Yes，"saidMeggie，whohadn’tstoppedknitting。"They’dhavetohavebeenapartofit。"

SayinggoodbyetoRaininaletter，devastatedbygriefandshock，hadbeeneasy；infactenjoyableinacruelway，forshehadlashedbackthen-I’minagony，sooughtyoutobe。ButthistimeRainhadn’tputhimselfinapositionwhereaDearJohnletterwaspossible。Ithadtobedinnerattheirfavoriterestaurant。Hehadn’tsuggestedhisParkLanehouse，whichdisappointedbutdidn’tsurpriseher。NodoubtheintendedsayingevenhisfinalgoodbyesunderthebenigngazeofFritz。Certainlyhewasn’ttakinganychances。

Foronceinherlifeshetookcarethatherappearanceshouldpleasehim；theimpwhichusuallyproddedherintoorangefrillsseemedtohaveretiredcursing。SinceRainlikedunadornedstyles，sheputonafloorlengthsilkjerseydressofdullburgundyred，hightotheneck，longtightsleeves。Sheaddedabigfiatcollaroftortuousgoldstuddedwithgarnetsandpearls，andmatchingbraceletsoneachwrist。Whathorrible，horriblehair。Itwasneverdisciplinedenoughtosuithim。Moremakeupthannormal，toconcealtheevidenceofherdepression。There。Shewoulddoifhedidn’tlooktooclosely。

Hedidn’tseemto；atleasthedidn’tcommentuponwearinessorpossibleillness，evenmadenoreferencetotheexigenciesofpacking。Whichwasn’tabitlikehim。Andafterawhileshebegantoexperienceasensationthattheworldmustbeending，sodifferentwashefromhisusualself。Hewouldn’thelphermakethedinnerasuccess，thesortofaffairtheycouldrefertoinletterswithreminiscentpleasureandamusement。Ifshecouldonlyhavepersuadedherselfthathewassimplyupsetathergoing，itmighthavebeenallright。Butshecouldn’t。Hismoodjustwasn’tthatsort。Rather，hewassodistantshefeltasifsheweresittingwithapapereffigy，one-dimensionalandanxioustobeofffloatinginthebreeze，farfromherken。Asifhehadsaidgoodbyetoheralready，andthismeetingwasasuperfluity。

"Haveyouhadaletterfromyourmotheryet？"heaskedpolitely。"No，butIdon’thonestlyexpectone。She’sprobablybereftofwords。""WouldyoulikeFritztotakeyoutotheairporttomorrow？""Thanks，Icancatchacab，"sheansweredungraciously。"Iwouldn’twantyoutobedeprivedofhisservices。"

"Ihavemeetingsallday，soIassureyouitwon’tinconveniencemeintheslightest。"

"IsaidI’dtakeacab！"

Heraisedhiseyebrows。"There’snoneedtoshout，Justine。Whateveryouwantisallrightwithme。"

Hewasn’tcallingherHerzchenanymore；oflateshehadnoticeditsfrequencydeclining，andtonighthehadnotusedtheoldendearmentonce。Oh，whatadismal，depressingdinnerthiswas！Letitbeoversoon！Shefoundshewaslookingathishandsandtryingtorememberwhattheyfeltlike，butshecouldn’t。Whywasn’tlifeneatandwellorganized，whydidthingslikeDanehavetohappen？PerhapsbecauseshethoughtofDane，hermoodsuddenlyplummetedtoapointwhereshecouldn’tbeartositstillamomentlonger，andputherhandsonthearmsofherchair。

"Doyoumindifwego？"sheasked。"I’mdevelopingasplittingheadache。"AtthejunctionoftheHighRoadandJustine’slittlemewsRainhelpedherfromthecar，toldFritztodrivearoundtheblock，andputhishandbeneathherelbowcourteouslytoguideher，histouchquiteimpersonal。InthefreezingdampofaLondondrizzletheywalkedslowlyacrossthecobbles，drippingechoesoftheirfootstepsallaroundthem。Mournful，lonelyfootsteps。

"So，Justine，wesaygoodbye，"hesaid。

"Well，forthetimebeing，atanyrate，"sheansweredbrightly，"butit’snotforever，youknow。I’llbeacrossfromtimetotime，andIhopeyou’llfindthetimetocomedowntoDrogheda。"

Heshookhishead。"No。Thisisgoodbye，Justine。Idon’tthinkwehaveanyfurtheruseforeachother。"

"Youmeanyouhaven’tanyfurtheruseforme，"shesaid，andmanagedafairlycreditablelaugh。"It’sallright，Rain！Don’tspareme，Icantakeit！"

Hetookherhand，benttokissit，straightened，smiledintohereyesandwalkedaway。

Therewasaletterfromhermotheronthemat。Justinestoopedtopickitup，droppedherbagandwrapwhereithadlain，hershoesnearby，andwentintothelivingroom。Shesatdownheavilyonapackingcrate，chewingatherlip，hereyesrestingforamomentinwondering，bewilderedpityonamagnificenthead-andshouldersstudyofDanetakentocommemoratehisordination。Thenshecaughtherbaretoesintheactofcaressingtherolled-upkangaroo-furrug，grimacedindistasteandgotupquickly。Ashortwalktothekitchen，thatwaswhatsheneeded。Soshetookashortwalktothekitchen，wheresheopenedtherefrigerator，reachedforthecreamjug，openedthefreezerdoorandwithdrewacanoffiltercoffee。Withonehandonthecold-watertaptorunwaterforhercoffee，shelookedaroundwide-eyed，asifshehadneverseentheroombefore。Lookedattheflawsinthewallpaper，atthesmugphilodendroninitsbaskethungfromtheceiling，atthe，blackpussy-catclockwaggingitstailandrollingitseyesatthespectacleoftimebeingsofrivolouslyfritteredaway。PACK

HAIRBRUSH，saidtheblackboardinlargecapitals。OnthetablelayapencilsketchofRainshehaddonesomeweeksago。Andapacketofcigarettes。Shetookoneandlitit，putthekettleonthestoveandrememberedhermother’sletter，whichwasstillscrewedupinonehand。Mayaswellreaditwhilethewaterheated。Shesatdownatthekitchentable，flippedthedrawingofRainontothefloorandplantedherfeetontopofit。Upyours，too，RainerMoerlingHartheim！SeeifIcare，yougreatdogmaticleather-coatedKrauttwit。Gotnofurtheruseforme，eh？Well，norhaveIforyou！

MydearJustine[saidMeggie]

Nodoubtyou’reproceedingwithyourusualimpulsivespeed，soIhopethisreachesyouintime。IfanythingI’vesaidlatelyinmylettershascausedthissuddendecisionofyours，pleaseforgiveme。Ididn’tmeantoprovokesuchadrasticreaction。IsupposeIwassimplylookingforabitofsympathy，butIalwaysforgetthatunderthattoughskinofyours，you’reprettysoft。

Yes，I’mlonely，terriblyso。Yetitisn’tanythingyourcominghomecouldpossiblyrectify。Ifyoustoptothinkforamoment，you’llseehowtruethatis。Whatdoyouhopetoaccomplishbycominghome？Itisn’twithinyourpowertorestoretomewhatI’velost，andyoucan’tmakereparationeither。Norisitpurelymyloss。It’syourlosstoo，andNanna’s，andalltherest。Youseemtohaveanidea，andit’squiteamistakenidea，thatinsomewayyouwereresponsible。Thispresentimpulselookstomesuspiciouslylikeanactofcontrition。That’sprideandpresumption，Justine。Danewasagrownman，notahelplessbaby。1lethimgo，didn’tI？IfIhadletmyselffeelthewayyoudo，I’dbesittinghereblamingmyselfintoamentalasylumbecauseIhadpermittedhimtolivehisownlife。ButI’mnotsittinghereblamingmyself。We’renoneofusGod，thoughIthinkI’vehadmorechancetolearnthatthanyou。

Incominghome，you’rehandingmeyourlifelikeasacrifice。1don’twantit。Ineverhavewantedit。AndIrefuseitnow。Youdon’tbelongonDrogheda，youneverdid。Ifyoustillhaven’tworkedoutwhereyoudobelong，Isuggestyousitdownrightthisminuteandstartsomeseriousthinking。Sometimesyoureallyareawfullydense。Rainerisaveryniceman，butI’veneveryetmetamanwhocouldpossiblybeasaltruisticasyouseemtothinkheis。ForDane’ssakeindeed！Dogrowup，Justine！Mydearestone，alighthasgoneout。Forallofus，alighthasgoneout。Andthere’sabsolutelynothingyoucandoaboutit，don’tyouunderstand？I’mnotinsultingyoubytryingtopretendI’mperfectlyhappy。Suchisn’tthehumancondition。ButifyouthinkwehereonDroghedaspendourdaysweepingandwailing，you’requitewrong。Weenjoyourdays，andoneofthemainreasonswhyisthatourlightsforyoustillburn。Dane’slightisgoneforever。Please，dearJustine，tryto。acceptthat。ComehometoDroghedabyallmeans，we’dlovetoseeyou。Butnotforgood。You’dneverbehappysettledherepermanently。Itisnotonlyaneedlesssacrificeforyoutomake，butauselessone。Inyoursortofcareer，evenayearspentawayfromitwouldcostyoudearly。Sostaywhereyoubelong，beagoodcitizenofyourworld。

Thepain。ItwaslikethosefirstfewdaysafterDanedied。Thesamesortoffutile，wasted，unavoidablepain。Thesameanguishedimpotence。No，ofcoursetherewasnothingshecoulddo。Nowayofmakingup，noway。Scream！Thekettlewaswhistlingalready。Hush，kettle，hush！HushforMummy！HowdoesitfeeltobeMummy’sonlychild，kettle？AskJustine，sheknows。Yes，Justineknowsallaboutbeingtheonlychild。ButI’mnotthechildshewants，thatpoorfadingoldwomanbackontheranch。Oh，Mum！Oh，Mum……DoyouthinkifIhumanlycould，Iwouldn’t？Newlampsforold，mylifeforhis！Itisn’tfair，thatDanewastheonetodie……She’sright。MygoingbacktoDroghedacan’talterthefactthathenevercan。Thoughheliesthereforever，henevercan。Alighthasgoneout，andIcan’trekindleit。ButIseewhatshemeans。Mylightstillburnsinher。OnlynotonDrogheda。

Fritzansweredthedoor，notcladinhissmartnavychauffeur’suniform，cladinhissmartbutler’smorningsuitinstead。Butashesmiled，bowedstifflyandclickedhisheelsingoodold-fashionedGermanmanner，athoughtoccurredtoJustine；didhedodoubledutyinBonn，too？"AreyousimplyHerrHartheim’shumbleservant，Fritz，orareyoureallyhiswatchdog？"sheasked，handinghimhercoat。Fritzremainedimpassive。"HerrHartheimisinhisstudy，MissO’neill。"Hewassittinglookingatthefire，leaningalittleforward，Natashacurledsleepingonthehearth。Whenthedooropenedhelookedup，butdidn’tspeak，didn’tseemgladtoseeher。

SoJustinecrossedtheroom，knelt，andlaidherforeheadonhislap。"Rain，I’msosorryforalltheyears，andIcan’tatone，"shewhispered。Hedidn’trisetohisfeet，drawherupwithhim；hekneltbesideheronthefloor。

"Amiracle，"hesaid。

Shesmiledathim。"Youneverdidstoplovingme，didyou？""No，Herzchen，never。""Imusthavehurtyouverymuch。""Notinthewayyouthink。Iknewyoulovedme，andIcouldwait。I’vealwaysbelievedapatientmanmustwinintheend。"

"Soyoudecidedtoletmeworkitoutformyself。Youweren’tabitworriedwhenIannouncedIwasgoinghometoDrogheda，wereyou？""Oh，yes。HaditbeenanothermanIwouldnothavebeenperturbed，butDrogheda？Aformidableopponent。Yes，Iworried。""YouknewIwasgoingbeforeItoldyou，didn’tyou？""Clydeletthecatoutofthebag。HerangBonntoaskmeiftherewasanywayIcouldstopyou，soItoldhimtoplayalongwithyouforaweekortwoatanyrate，andI’dseewhatIcoulddo。Notforhissake，Herzchen。Formyown。I’mnoaltruist。""That’swhatMumsaid。Butthishouse！Didyouhaveitamonthago？""No，norisitmine。However，sincewewillneedaLondonhouseifyou’retocontinuewithyourcareer，I’dbetterseewhatIcandotoacquireit。Thatis，providedyoulikeit。I’llevenletyouhavetheredecoratingofit，ifyoupromisefaithfullynottodeckitoutinpinkandorange。""I’veneverrealizedquitehowdeviousyouare。Whydidn’tyoujustsayyoustilllovedme？Iwantedyouto！""No。Theevidencewasthereforyoutoseeitforyourself，andyouhadtoseeifforyourself。""I’mafraidI’mchronicallyblind。Ididn’treallyseeformyself，Ihadtohavesomehelp。Mymotherfinallyforcedmetoopenmyeyes。Ihadaletterfromhertonight，tellingmenottocomehome。""She’samarvelousperson，yourmother。""Iknowyou’vemether，Rain-when？""Iwenttoseeheraboutayearago。Droghedaismagnificent，butitisn’tyou，Herzchen。AtthetimeIwenttotrytomakeyourmotherseethat。You’venoideahowgladIamshehas，thoughIdon’tthinkanythingIsaidwasveryenlightening。"Sheputherfingersuptotouchhismouth。"Idoubtedmyself，Rain。Ialwayshave。MaybeIalwayswill。"

"Oh，Herzchen，Ihopenot！Formetherecanneverbeanyoneelse。Onlyyou。Thewholeworldhasknownitforyears。Butwordsoflovemeannothing。Icouldhavescreamedthematyouathousandtimesadaywithoutaffectingyourdoubtsintheslightest。SoIhaven’tspokenmylove，Justine，I’velivedit。Howcouldyoudoubtthefeelingsofyourmostfaithfulgallant？"Hesighed。"Well，atleastithasn’tcomefromme。Perhapsyou’llcontinuetofindyourmother’swordgoodenough。""Pleasedon’tsayitlikethat！PoorRain，IthinkI’vewornevenyourpatiencetoathread。Don’tbehurtthatitcamefromMum。Itdoesn’tmatter！I’vekneltinabasementatyourfeet！""ThankGodtheabasementwillonlylastfortonight，"hesaidmorecheerfully。"You’llbouncebacktomorrow。"Thetensionbegantoleaveher；theworstofitwasover。"WhatIlike-no，love-aboutyouthemostisthatyougivemesuchagoodrunformymoneyIneverdoquitecatchup。"Hisshouldersshook。"Thenlookatthefuturethisway，Herzchen。Livinginthesamehousewithmemightaffordyoutheopportunitytoseehowitcanbedone。"Hekissedherbrows，hercheeks，hereyelids。"Iwouldhaveyounootherwaythanthewayyouare，Justine，Notafreckleofyourfaceoracellofyourbrain。"Sheslidherarmsaroundhisneck，sankherfingersintothatsatisfyinghair。"Oh，ifyouknewhowI’velongedtodothis！"shesaid。"I’veneverbeenabletoforget。"

Thecablesaid:HAVEJUSTBECOMEMRSRAWERMOERLINGHARTHEIMSTOPPRIVATECEREMONYTHEVATICANSTOPPAPALBLESSINGSALLOVERTHEPLACESTOPTHATISDEFINITELYBEINGMARRIEDEXCLAMATIONWEWILLBEDOWNONADELAYEDHONEYMOONASSOONASPOSSIBLEBUTEUROPEISGOINGTOBE

HOMESTOPLOVETOALLANDFROMRAINTOOSTOPJUSTINEMeggieputtheformdownonthetableandstaredwide-eyedthroughthewindowatthewealthofautumnrosesinthegarden。Perfumeofroses，beesofroses。Andthehibiscus，thebottlebrush，theghostgums，thebougainvilleaupabovetheworldsohigh，thepeppertrees。Howbeautifulthegardenwas，howalive。Toseeitssmallthingsgrowbig，change，andwither；andnewlittlethingscomeagaininthesameendless，unceasingcycle。TimeforDroghedatostop。Yes，morethantime。Letthecyclerenewitselfwithunknownpeople。Ididitalltomyself，Ihavenooneelsetoblame。AndIcannotregretonesinglemomentofit。Thebirdwiththethorninitsbreast，itfollowsanimmutablelaw；itisdrivenbyitknowsnotwhattoimpaleitself，anddiesinging。Attheveryinstantthethornentersthereisnoawarenessinitofthedyingtocome；itsimplysingsandsingsuntilthereisnotthelifelefttoutteranothernote。Butwe，whenweputthethornsinourbreasts，weknow。Weunderstand。Andstillwedoit。Stillwedoit。