第6章

believetwoorthreeheadsoffamiliesintheneighbourhoodgavetheirsonsabsolutelibertyofchoiceinthematteroftheirprofessions——andamnotsurethattheyhadnotafterwardsconsiderablecausetoregrethavingdoneso。Thevisitors，seeingTheobaldlookshyandwhollyunmovedbytheexhibitionofsomuchconsiderationforhiswishes，wouldremarktothemselvesthattheboyseemedhardlylikelytobeequaltohisfatherandwouldsethimdownasanunenthusiasticyouth，whooughttohavemorelifeinhimandbemoresensibleofhisadvantagesthanheappearedtobe。

Noonebelievedintherighteousnessofthewholetransactionmorefirmlythantheboyhimself；asenseofbeingillateasekepthimsilent，butitwastooprofoundandtoomuchwithoutbreakforhimtobecomefullyalivetoit，andcometoanunderstandingwithhimself。Hefearedthedarkscowlwhichwouldcomeoverhisfather’sfaceupontheslightestopposition。Hisfather’sviolentthreats，orcoarsesneers，wouldnothavebeentakenauserieuxbyastrongerboy，butTheobaldwasnotastrongboy，andrightlyorwrongly，gavehisfathercreditforbeingquitereadytocarryhisthreatsintoexecution。Oppositionhadnevergothimanythinghewantedyet，norindeedhadyielding，forthematterofthat，unlesshehappenedtowantexactlywhathisfatherwantedforhim。Ifhehadeverentertainedthoughtsofresistance，hehadnonenow，andthepowertoopposewassocompletelylostforwantofexercisethathardlydidthewishremain；therewasnothingleftsavedullacquiescenceasofanasscrouchedbetweentwoburdens。Hemayhavehadanill-definedsenseofidealsthatwerenothisactuals；hemightoccasionallydreamofhimselfasasoldierorasailorfarawayinforeignlands，orevenasafarmer’sboyuponthewolds，buttherewasnotenoughinhimfortheretobeanychanceofhisturninghisdreamsintorealities，andhedriftedonwithhisstream，whichwasaslow，and，Iamafraid，amuddyone。

IthinktheChurchCatechismhasagooddealtodowiththeunhappyrelationswhichcommonlyevennowexistbetweenparentsandchildren。Thatworkwaswrittentooexclusivelyfromtheparentalpointofview；thepersonwhocomposeditdidnotgetafewchildrentocomeinandhelphim；hewasclearlynotyounghimself，norshouldIsayitwastheworkofonewholikedchildren——inspiteofthewords“mygoodchild“which，ifIrememberrightly，areonceputintothemouthofthecatechistand，afterall，carryaharshsoundwiththem。Thegeneralimpressionitleavesuponthemindoftheyoungisthattheirwickednessatbirthwasbutveryimperfectlywipedoutatbaptism，andthatthemerefactofbeingyoungatallhassomethingwithitthatsavoursmoreorlessdistinctlyofthenatureofsin。

IfaneweditionoftheworkiseverrequiredIshouldliketointroduceafewwordsinsistingonthedutyofseekingallreasonablepleasureandavoidingallpainthatcanbehonourablyavoided。Ishouldliketoseechildrentaughtthattheyshouldnotsaytheylikethingswhichtheydonotlike，merelybecausecertainotherpeoplesaytheylikethem，andhowfoolishitistosaytheybelievethisorthatwhentheyunderstandnothingaboutit。IfitbeurgedthattheseadditionswouldmaketheCatechismtoolongI

wouldcurtailtheremarksuponourdutytowardsourneighbouranduponthesacraments。Intheplaceoftheparagraphbeginning“I

desiremyLordGodourHeavenlyFather“Iwould——butperhapsIhadbetterreturntoTheobald，andleavetherecastingoftheCatechismtoablerhands。

MrPontifexhadsethisheartonhisson’sbecomingafellowofacollegebeforehebecameaclergyman。Thiswouldprovideforhimatonceandwouldensurehisgettingalivingifnoneofhisfather’secclesiasticalfriendsgavehimone。Theboyhaddonejustwellenoughatschooltorenderthispossible，sohewassenttooneofthesmallercollegesatCambridgeandwasatoncesettoreadwiththebestprivatetutorsthatcouldbefound。AsystemofexaminationhadbeenadoptedayearorsobeforeTheobaldtookhisdegreewhichhadimprovedhischancesofafellowship，forwhateverabilityhehadwasclassicalratherthanmathematical，andthissystemgavemoreencouragementtoclassicalstudiesthanhadbeengivenhitherto。

Theobaldhadthesensetoseethathehadachanceofindependenceifheworkedhard，andhelikedthenotionofbecomingafellow。Hethereforeappliedhimself，andintheendtookadegreewhichmadehisgettingafellowshipinallprobabilityamerequestionoftime。

ForawhileMrPontifexseniorwasreallypleased，andtoldhissonhewouldpresenthimwiththeworksofanystandardwriterwhomhemightselect。TheyoungmanchosetheworksofBacon，andBaconaccordinglymadehisappearanceintennicelyboundvolumes。A

littleinspection，however，showedthatthecopywasasecondhandone。

Nowthathehadtakenhisdegreethenextthingtolookforwardtowasordination——aboutwhichTheobaldhadthoughtlittlehithertobeyondacquiescinginitassomethingthatwouldcomeasamatterofcoursesomeday。Now，however，ithadactuallycomeandwasassertingitselfasathingwhichshouldbeonlyafewmonthsoff，andthisratherfrightenedhiminasmuchastherewouldbenowayoutofitwhenhewasonceinit。Hedidnotlikethenearviewofordinationaswellasthedistantone，andevenmadesomefeebleeffortstoescape，asmaybeperceivedbythefollowingcorrespondencewhichhissonErnestfoundamonghisfather’spaperswrittenongilt-edgedpaper，infadedinkandtiedneatlyroundwithapieceoftape，butwithoutanynoteorcomment。Ihavealterednothing。Thelettersareasfollows：-

“MydearFather，——Idonotlikeopeningupaquestionwhichhasbeenconsideredsettled，butasthetimeapproachesIbegintobeverydoubtfulhowfarIamfittedtobeaclergyman。Not，Iamthankfultosay，thatIhavethefaintestdoubtsabouttheChurchofEngland，andIcouldsubscribecordiallytoeveryoneofthethirty-ninearticleswhichdoindeedappeartometobetheneplusultraofhumanwisdom，andPaley，too，leavesnoloop-holeforanopponent；

butIamsureIshouldberunningcountertoyourwishesifIweretoconcealfromyouthatIdonotfeeltheinwardcalltobeaministerofthegospelthatIshallhavetosayIhavefeltwhentheBishopordainsme。Itrytogetthisfeeling，Iprayforitearnestly，andsometimeshalfthinkthatIhavegotit，butinalittletimeitwearsoff，andthoughIhavenoabsoluterepugnancetobeingaclergymanandtrustthatifIamoneIshallendeavourtolivetotheGloryofGodandtoadvanceHisinterestsuponearth，yetIfeelthatsomethingmorethanthisiswantedbeforeIamfullyjustifiedingoingintotheChurch。IamawarethatIhavebeenagreatexpensetoyouinspiteofmyscholarships，butyouhaveevertaughtmethatIshouldobeymyconscience，andmyconsciencetellsmeIshoulddowrongifIbecameaclergyman。GodmayyetgivemethespiritforwhichIassureyouIhavebeenandamcontinuallypraying，butHemaynot，andinthatcasewoulditnotbebetterformetotryandlookoutforsomethingelse？IknowthatneitheryounorJohnwishmetogointoyourbusiness，nordoIunderstandanythingaboutmoneymatters，butistherenothingelsethatIcando？IdonotliketoaskyoutomaintainmewhileIgoinformedicineorthebar；butwhenIgetmyfellowship，whichshouldnotbelongfirst，Iwillendeavourtocostyounothingfurther，andI

mightmakealittlemoneybywritingortakingpupils。Itrustyouwillnotthinkthisletterimproper；nothingisfurtherfrommywishthantocauseyouanyuneasiness。Ihopeyouwillmakeallowanceformypresentfeelingswhich，indeed，springfromnothingbutfromthatrespectformyconsciencewhichnoonehassoofteninstilledintomeasyourself。Prayletmehaveafewlinesshortly。Ihopeyourcoldisbetter。WithlovetoElizaandMaria，Iam，youraffectionateson，“THEOBALDPONTIFEX。”

“DearTheobald，——Icanenterintoyourfeelingsandhavenowishtoquarrelwithyourexpressionofthem。Itisquiterightandnaturalthatyoushouldfeelasyoudoexceptasregardsonepassage，theimproprietyofwhichyouwillyourselfdoubtlessfeeluponreflection，andtowhichIwillnotfurtheralludethantosaythatithaswoundedme。Youshouldnothavesaid’inspiteofmyscholarships。’Itwasonlyproperthatifyoucoulddoanythingtoassistmeinbearingtheheavyburdenofyoureducation，themoneyshouldbe，asitwas，madeovertomyself。Everylineinyourletterconvincesmethatyouareundertheinfluenceofamorbidsensitivenesswhichisoneofthedevil’sfavouritedevicesforluringpeopletotheirdestruction。Ihave，asyousay，beenatgreatexpensewithyoureducation。Nothinghasbeensparedbymetogiveyoutheadvantages，which，asanEnglishgentleman，Iwasanxioustoaffordmyson，butIamnotpreparedtoseethatexpensethrownawayandtohavetobeginagainfromthebeginning，merelybecauseyouhavetakensomefoolishscruplesintoyourhead，whichyoushouldresistasnolessunjusttoyourselfthantome。

“Don’tgivewaytothatrestlessdesireforchangewhichisthebaneofsomanypersonsofbothsexesatthepresentday。

“Ofcourseyouneedn’tbeordained：nobodywillcompelyou；youareperfectlyfree；youaretwenty-threeyearsofage，andshouldknowyourownmind；butwhynothaveknownitsooner，insteadofneversomuchasbreathingahintofoppositionuntilIhavehadalltheexpenseofsendingyoutotheUniversity，whichIshouldneverhavedoneunlessIhadbelievedyoutohavemadeupyourmindabouttakingorders？Ihavelettersfromyouinwhichyouexpressthemostperfectwillingnesstobeordained，andyourbrotherandsisterswillbearmeoutinsayingthatnopressureofanysorthasbeenputuponyou。Youmistakeyourownmind，andaresufferingfromanervoustimiditywhichmaybeverynaturalbutmaynotthelessbepregnantwithseriousconsequencestoyourself。Iamnotatallwell，andtheanxietyoccasionedbyyourletterisnaturallypreyinguponme。MayGodguideyoutoabetterjudgement——Youraffectionatefather，G。PONTIFEX。”

OnthereceiptofthisletterTheobaldpluckeduphisspirits。“Myfather。”hesaidtohimself，“tellsmeIneednotbeordainedifI

donotlike。Idonotlike，andthereforeIwillnotbeordained。

Butwhatwasthemeaningofthewords’pregnantwithseriousconsequencestoyourself’？Didtherelurkathreatunderthesewords——thoughitwasimpossibletolayholdofitorofthem？Weretheynotintendedtoproducealltheeffectofathreatwithoutbeingactuallythreatening？”

Theobaldknewhisfatherwellenoughtobelittlelikelytomisapprehendhismeaning，buthavingventuredsofaronthepathofopposition，andbeingreallyanxioustogetoutofbeingordainedifhecould，hedeterminedtoventurefarther。Heaccordinglywrotethefollowing：

“Mydearfather，——Youtellme——andIheartilythankyou——thatnoonewillcompelmetobeordained。Iknewyouwouldnotpressordinationuponmeifmyconsciencewasseriouslyopposedtoit；I

havethereforeresolvedongivinguptheidea，andbelievethatifyouwillcontinuetoallowmewhatyoudoatpresent，untilIgetmyfellowship，whichshouldnotbelong，Iwillthenceaseputtingyoutofurtherexpense。IwillmakeupmymindassoonaspossiblewhatprofessionIwilladopt，andwillletyouknowatonce——Youraffectionateson，THEOBALDPONTIFEX。”