第13章

andhappyTheobaldinhisChristina。SomehoworotherChristinawasalwaysalittleshyofcardswhenhersisterswerestayingwithher，thoughatothertimessheenjoyedagameofcribbageorarubberofwhistheartilyenough，buthersistersknewtheywouldneverbeaskedtoBattersbyagainiftheyweretorefertothatlittlematter，andonthewholeitwasworththeirwhiletobeaskedtoBattersby。IfTheobald’stemperwasratherirritablehedidnotventituponthem。

Bynaturereserved，ifhecouldhavefoundsomeonetocookhisdinnerforhim，hewouldratherhavelivedinadesertislandthannot。InhisheartofheartsheheldwithPopethat“thegreatestnuisancetomankindisman“orwordstothateffect——onlythatwomen，withtheexceptionperhapsofChristina，wereworse。Yetforallthiswhenvisitorscalledheputabetterfaceonitthananyonewhowasbehindthesceneswouldhaveexpected。

Hewasquicktooatintroducingthenamesofanyliterarycelebritieswhomhehadmetathisfather’shouse，andsoonestablishedanall-roundreputationwhichsatisfiedevenChristinaherself。

Whosointegervitaescelerisquepurus，itwasasked，asMrPontifexofBattersby？Whosofittobeconsultedifanydifficultyaboutparishmanagementshouldarise？WhosuchahappymixtureofthesincereuninquiringChristianandofthemanoftheworld？Forsopeopleactuallycalledhim。Theysaidhewassuchanadmirablemanofbusiness。Certainlyifhehadsaidhewouldpayasumofmoneyatacertaintime，themoneywouldbeforthcomingontheappointedday，andthisissayingagooddealforanyman。Hisconstitutionaltimidityrenderedhimincapableofanattempttooverreachwhentherewastheremotestchanceofoppositionorpublicity，andhiscorrectbearingandsomewhatsternexpressionwereagreatprotectiontohimagainstbeingoverreached。Henevertalkedofmoney，andinvariablychangedthesubjectwhenevermoneywasintroduced。Hisexpressionofunutterablehorroratallkindsofmeannesswasasufficientguaranteethathewasnotmeanhimself。

Besideshehadnobusinesstransactionssaveofthemostordinarybutcher’sbookandbaker’sbookdescription。Histastes——ifhehadany——were，aswehaveseen，simple；hehad900poundsayearandahouse；theneighbourhoodwascheap，andforsometimehehadnochildrentobeadraguponhim。Whowasnottobeenvied，andifenviedwhythenrespected，ifTheobaldwasnotenviable？

YetIimaginethatChristinawasonthewholehappierthanherhusband。Shehadnottogoandvisitsickparishioners，andthemanagementofherhouseandthekeepingofheraccountsaffordedasmuchoccupationasshedesired。Herprincipaldutywas，asshewellsaid，toherhusband——tolovehim，honourhim，andkeephiminagoodtemper。Todoherjusticeshefulfilledthisdutytotheuttermostofherpower。Itwouldhavebeenbetterperhapsifshehadnotsofrequentlyassuredherhusbandthathewasthebestandwisestofmankind，fornooneinhislittleworldeverdreamedoftellinghimanythingelse，anditwasnotlongbeforeheceasedtohaveanydoubtuponthematter。Asforhistemper，whichhadbecomeveryviolentattimes，shetookcaretohumouritontheslightestsignofanapproachingoutbreak。Shehadearlyfoundthatthiswasmuchtheeasiestplan。Thethunderwasseldomforherself。Longbeforehermarriageevenshehadstudiedhislittleways，andknewhowtoaddfueltothefireaslongasthefireseemedtowantit，andthentodampitjudiciouslydown，makingaslittlesmokeaspossible。

Inmoneymattersshewasscrupulousnessitself。Theobaldmadeheraquarterlyallowanceforherdress，pocketmoneyandlittlecharitiesandpresents。Intheselastitemsshewasliberalinproportiontoherincome；indeedshedressedwithgreateconomyandgaveawaywhateverwasoverinpresentsorcharity。Oh，whatacomfortitwastoTheobaldtoreflectthathehadawifeonwhomhecouldrelynevertocosthimasixpenceofunauthorisedexpenditure！Lettingaloneherabsolutesubmission，theperfectcoincidenceofheropinionwithhisownuponeverysubjectandherconstantassurancestohimthathewasrightineverythingwhichhetookitintohisheadtosayordo，whatatowerofstrengthtohimwasherexactnessinmoneymatters！Asyearswentbyhebecameasfondofhiswifeasitwasinhisnaturetobeofanylivingthing，andapplaudedhimselfforhavingstucktohisengagement——apieceofvirtueofwhichhewasnowreapingthereward。EvenwhenChristinadidoutrunherquarterlystipendbysomethirtyshillingsoracoupleofpounds，itwasalwaysmadeperfectlycleartoTheobaldhowthedeficiencyhadarisen——therehadbeenanunusuallycostlyeveningdressboughtwhichwastolastalongtime，orsomebody’sunexpectedweddinghadnecessitatedamorehandsomepresentthanthequarter’sbalancewouldquiteallow：theexcessofexpenditurewasalwaysrepaidinthefollowingquarterorquarterseventhoughitwereonlytenshillingsatatime。

Ibelieve，however，thataftertheyhadbeenmarriedsometwentyyears，Christinahadsomewhatfallenfromheroriginalperfectionasregardsmoney。Shehadgotgraduallyinarrearduringmanysuccessivequarters，tillshehadcontractedachronicloanasortofdomesticnationaldebt，amountingtobetweensevenandeightpounds。Theobaldatlengthfeltthataremonstrancehadbecomeimperative，andtookadvantageofhissilverweddingdaytoinformChristinathatherindebtednesswascancelled，andatthesametimetobegthatshewouldendeavourhenceforthtoequaliseherexpenditureandherincome。Sheburstintotearsofloveandgratitude，assuredhimthathewasthebestandmostgenerousofmen，andneverduringtheremainderofhermarriedlifewassheasingleshillingbehindhand。

Christinahatedchangeofallsortsnolesscordiallythanherhusband。SheandTheobaldhadnearlyeverythinginthisworldthattheycouldwishfor；why，then，shouldpeopledesiretointroduceallsortsofchangesofwhichnoonecouldforeseetheend？

Religion，shewasdeeplyconvinced，hadlongsinceattaineditsfinaldevelopment，norcoulditenterintotheheartofreasonablemantoconceiveanyfaithmoreperfectthanwasinculcatedbytheChurchofEngland。Shecouldimaginenopositionmorehonourablethanthatofaclergyman’swifeunlessindeeditwereabishop’s。

Consideringhisfather’sinfluenceitwasnotatallimpossiblethatTheobaldmightbeabishopsomeday——andthen——thenwouldoccurtoherthatonelittleflawinthepracticeoftheChurchofEngland——aflawnotindeedinitsdoctrine，butinitspolicy，whichshebelievedonthewholetobeamistakenoneinthisrespect。Imeanthefactthatabishop’swifedoesnottaketherankofherhusband。

ThishadbeenthedoingofElizabeth，whohadbeenabadwoman，ofexceedingdoubtfulmoralcharacter，andatheartaPapisttothelast。Perhapspeopleoughttohavebeenabovemereconsiderationsofworldlydignity，buttheworldwasasitwas，andsuchthingscarriedweightwiththem，whethertheyoughttodosoorno。HerinfluenceasplainMrsPontifex，wife，wewillsay，oftheBishopofWinchester，wouldnodoubtbeconsiderable。Suchacharacterasherscouldnotfailtocarryweightifshewereeverinasufficientlyconspicuoussphereforitsinfluencetobewidelyfelt；

butasLadyWinchester——ortheBishopess——whichwouldsoundquitenicely——whocoulddoubtthatherpowerforgoodwouldbeenhanced？

AnditwouldbeallthenicerbecauseifshehadadaughterthedaughterwouldnotbeaBishopessunlessindeedsheweretomarryaBishoptoo，whichwouldnotbelikely。

Thesewereherthoughtsuponhergooddays；atothertimesshewould，todoherjustice，havedoubtswhethershewasinallrespectsasspirituallymindedassheoughttobe。Shemustpresson，presson，tilleveryenemytohersalvationwassurmountedandSatanhimselflaybruisedunderherfeet。Itoccurredtoherononeoftheseoccasionsthatshemightstealamarchoversomeofhercontemporariesifsheweretoleaveoffeatingblackpuddings，ofwhichwhenevertheyhadkilledapigshehadhithertopartakenfreely；andifshewerealsocarefulthatnofowlswereservedathertablewhichhadhadtheirneckswrung，butonlysuchashadhadtheirthroatscutandbeenallowedtobleed。StPaulandtheChurchofJerusalemhadinsisteduponitasnecessarythatevenGentileconvertsshouldabstainfromthingsstrangledandfromblood，andtheyhadjoinedthisprohibitionwiththatofaviceabouttheabominablenatureofwhichtherecouldbenoquestion；itwouldbewellthereforetoabstaininfutureandseewhetheranynoteworthyspiritualresultensued。Shedidabstain，andwascertainthatfromthedayofherresolveshehadfeltstronger，purerinheart，andinallrespectsmorespirituallymindedthanshehadeverfelthitherto。Theobalddidnotlaysomuchstressonthisasshedid，butasshesettledwhatheshouldhaveatdinnershecouldtakecarethathegotnostrangledfowls；asforblackpuddings，happily，hehadseenthemmadewhenhewasaboy，andhadnevergotoverhisaversionforthem。Shewishedthematterwereoneofmoregeneralobservancethanitwas；thiswasjustacaseinwhichasLadyWinchestershemighthavebeenabletodowhatasplainMrsPontifexitwashopelesseventoattempt。

Andthusthisworthycouplejoggedonfrommonthtomonthandfromyeartoyear。Thereader，ifhehaspassedmiddlelifeandhasaclericalconnection，willprobablyrememberscoresandscoresofrectorsandrectors’wiveswhodifferedinnomaterialrespectfromTheobaldandChristina。SpeakingfromarecollectionandexperienceextendingovernearlyeightyyearsfromthetimewhenIwasmyselfachildinthenurseryofavicarage，IshouldsayIhaddrawnthebetterratherthantheworsesideofthelifeofanEnglishcountryparsonofsomefiftyyearsago。Iadmit，however，thattherearenosuchpeopletobefoundnowadays。Amoreunitedor，onthewhole，happier，couplecouldnothavebeenfoundinEngland。Onegriefonlyovershadowedtheearlyyearsoftheirmarriedlife：Imeanthefactthatnolivingchildrenwereborntothem。

Inthecourseoftimethissorrowwasremoved。AtthebeginningofthefifthyearofhermarriedlifeChristinawassafelydeliveredofaboy。ThiswasonthesixthofSeptember1835。

WordwasimmediatelysenttooldMrPontifex，whoreceivedthenewswithrealpleasure。HissonJohn’swifehadbornedaughtersonly，andhewasseriouslyuneasylestthereshouldbeafailureinthemalelineofhisdescendants。Thegoodnews，therefore，wasdoublywelcome，andcausedasmuchdelightatElmhurstasdismayinWoburnSquare，wheretheJohnPontifexeswerethenliving。

Here，indeed，thisfreakoffortunewasfelttobeallthemorecruelonaccountoftheimpossibilityofresentingitopenly；butthedelightedgrandfathercarednothingforwhattheJohnPontifexesmightfeelornotfeel；hehadwantedagrandsonandhehadgotagrandson，andthisshouldbeenoughforeverybody；and，nowthatMrsTheobaldhadtakentogoodways，shemightbringhimmoregrandsons，whichwouldbedesirable，forheshouldnotfeelsafewithfewerthanthree。

Herangthebellforthebutler。

“Gelstrap。”hesaidsolemnly，“Iwanttogodownintothecellar。”

ThenGelstrapprecededhimwithacandle，andhewentintotheinnervaultwherehekepthischoicestwines。

Hepassedmanybins：therewas1803Port，1792ImperialTokay，1800

Claret，1812Sherry，theseandmanyotherswerepassed，butitwasnotforthemthattheheadofthePontifexfamilyhadgonedownintohisinnercellar。Abin，whichhadappearedemptyuntilthefulllightofthecandlehadbeenbroughttobearuponit，wasnowfoundtocontainasinglepintbottle。ThiswastheobjectofMrPontifex’ssearch。