第15章

IcalledadayortwoafterwardsandfoundMrPontifexstillatBattersby，laidupwithoneofthoseattacksofliveranddepressiontowhichhewasbecomingmoreandmoresubject。Istayedtoluncheon。Theoldgentlemanwascrossandverydifficult；hecouldeatnothing——hadnoappetiteatall。Christinatriedtocoaxhimwithalittlebitofthefleshypartofamuttonchop。“HowinthenameofreasoncanIbeaskedtoeatamuttonchop？”heexclaimedangrily；“youforget，mydearChristina，thatyouhavetodealwithastomachthatistotallydisorganised。”andhepushedtheplatefromhim，poutingandfrowninglikeanaughtyoldchild。WritingasIdobythelightofalaterknowledge，IsupposeIshouldhaveseennothinginthisbuttheworld’sgrowingpains，thedisturbanceinseparablefromtransitioninhumanthings。Isupposeinrealitynotaleafgoesyellowinautumnwithoutceasingtocareaboutitssapandmakingtheparenttreeveryuncomfortablebylonggrowlingandgrumbling——butsurelynaturemightfindsomelessirritatingwayofcarryingonbusinessifshewouldgivehermindtoit。Whyshouldthegenerationsoverlaponeanotheratall？WhycannotwebeburiedaseggsinneatlittlecellswithtenortwentythousandpoundseachwrappedroundusinBankofEnglandnotes，andwakeup，asthesphexwaspdoes，tofindthatitspapaandmammahavenotonlyleftampleprovisionatitselbow，buthavebeeneatenbysparrowssomeweeksbeforeitbegantoliveconsciouslyonitsownaccount？

AboutayearandahalfafterwardsthetableswereturnedonBattersby——forMrsJohnPontifexwassafelydeliveredofaboy。A

yearorsolaterstill，GeorgePontifexwashimselfstruckdownsuddenlybyafitofparalysis，muchashismotherhadbeen，buthedidnotseetheyearsofhismother。Whenhiswillwasopened，itwasfoundthatanoriginalbequestof20，000poundstoTheobaldhimself(overandabovethesumthathadbeensettleduponhimandChristinaatthetimeofhismarriage)hadbeencutdownto17，500

poundswhenMrPontifexleft“something“toErnest。The“something“

provedtobe2500pounds，whichwastoaccumulateinthehandsoftrustees。TherestofthepropertywenttoJohnPontifex，exceptthateachofthedaughterswasleftwithabout15，000poundsoverandabove5000poundsapiecewhichtheyinheritedfromtheirmother。

Theobald’sfatherthenhadtoldhimthetruthbutnotthewholetruth。Nevertheless，whatrighthadTheobaldtocomplain？

Certainlyitwasratherhardtomakehimthinkthatheandhisweretobegainers，andgetthehonourandgloryofthebequest，whenallthetimethemoneywasvirtuallybeingtakenoutofTheobald’sownpocket。OntheotherhandthefatherdoubtlessarguedthathehadnevertoldTheobaldhewastohaveanythingatall；hehadafullrighttodowhathelikedwithhisownmoney；ifTheobaldchosetoindulgeinunwarrantableexpectationsthatwasnoaffairofhis；asitwashewasprovidingforhimliberally；andifhedidtake2500

poundsofTheobald’ssharehewasstillleavingittoTheobald’sson，which，ofcourse，wasmuchthesamethingintheend。

Noonecandenythatthetestatorhadstrictrightuponhisside；

neverthelessthereaderwillagreewithmethatTheobaldandChristinamightnothaveconsideredthechristeningdinnersogreatasuccessifallthefactshadbeenbeforethem。MrPontifexhadduringhisownlife-timesetupamonumentinElmhurstChurchtothememoryofhiswife(aslabwithurnsandcherubslikeillegitimatechildrenofKingGeorgetheFourth，andalltherestofit)，andhadleftspaceforhisownepitaphunderneaththatofhiswife。Idonotknowwhetheritwaswrittenbyoneofhischildren，orwhethertheygotsomefriendtowriteitforthem。Idonotbelievethatanysatirewasintended。IbelievethatitwastheintentiontoconveythatnothingshortoftheDayofJudgementcouldgiveanyoneanideahowgoodamanMrPontifexhadbeen，butatfirstIfoundithardtothinkthatitwasfreefromguile。

Theepitaphbeginsbygivingdatesofbirthanddeath；thensetsoutthatthedeceasedwasformanyyearsheadofthefirmofFairlieandPontifex，andalsoresidentintheparishofElmhurst。Thereisnotasyllableofeitherpraiseordispraise。Thelastlinesrunasfollows：-

Thismuch，however，wemaysayinthemeantime，thathavinglivedtobenearlyseventy-threeyearsoldanddiedrichhemusthavebeeninveryfairharmonywithhissurroundings。Ihavehearditsaidsometimesthatsuchandsuchaperson’slifewasalie：butnoman’slifecanbeaverybadlie；aslongasitcontinuesatallitisatworstnine-tenthsofittrue。

MrPontifex’slifenotonlycontinuedalongtime，butwasprosperousrightuptotheend。Isnotthisenough？Beinginthisworldisitnotourmostobviousbusinesstomakethemostofit——toobservewhatthingsdobonafidetendtolonglifeandcomfort，andtoactaccordingly？Allanimals，exceptman，knowthattheprincipalbusinessoflifeistoenjoyit——andtheydoenjoyitasmuchasmanandothercircumstanceswillallow。Hehasspenthislifebestwhohasenjoyeditmost；Godwilltakecarethatwedonotenjoyitanymorethanisgoodforus。IfMrPontifexistobeblameditisfornothavingeatenanddrunklessandthussufferedlessfromhisliver，andlivedperhapsayearortwolonger。

Goodnessisnaughtunlessittendstowardsoldageandsufficiencyofmeans。Ispeakbroadlyandexceptisexcipiendis。Sothepsalmistsays，“Therighteousshallnotlackanythingthatisgood。”

Eitherthisismerepoeticallicense，oritfollowsthathewholacksanythingthatisgoodisnotrighteous；thereisapresumptionalsothathewhohaspassedalonglifewithoutlackinganythingthatisgoodhashimselfalsobeengoodenoughforpracticalpurposes。

MrPontifexneverlackedanythinghemuchcaredabout。True，hemighthavebeenhappierthanhewasifhehadcaredaboutthingswhichhedidnotcarefor，butthegistofthisliesinthe“ifhehadcared。”Wehaveallsinnedandcomeshortofthegloryofmakingourselvesascomfortableasweeasilymighthavedone，butinthisparticularcaseMrPontifexdidnotcare，andwouldnothavegainedmuchbygettingwhathedidnotwant。

Thereisnocastingofswine’smeatbeforemenworsethanthatwhichwouldflattervirtueasthoughhertrueoriginwerenotgoodenoughforher，butshemusthavealineage，deducedasitwerebyspiritualheralds，fromsomestockwithwhichshehasnothingtodo。

Virtue’struelineageisolderandmorerespectablethananythatcanbeinventedforher。Shespringsfromman’sexperienceconcerninghisownwell-being——andthis，thoughnotinfallible，isstilltheleastfalliblethingwehave。Asystemwhichcannotstandwithoutabetterfoundationthanthismusthavesomethingsounstablewithinitselfthatitwilltoppleoveronwhateverpedestalweplaceit。

Theworldhaslongagosettledthatmoralityandvirtuearewhatbringmenpeaceatthelast。“Bevirtuous。”saysthecopy-book，“andyouwillbehappy。”Surelyifareputedvirtuefailsofteninthisrespectitisonlyaninsidiousformofvice，andifareputedvicebringsnoveryseriousmischiefonaman’slateryearsitisnotsobadaviceasitissaidtobe。Unfortunatelythoughweareallofamindaboutthemainopinionthatvirtueiswhattendstohappiness，andvicewhatendsinsorrow，wearenotsounanimousaboutdetails——thatistosayastowhetheranygivencourse，such，wewillsay，assmoking，hasatendencytohappinessorthereverse。

Isubmititastheresultofmyownpoorobservation，thatagooddealofunkindnessandselfishnessonthepartofparentstowardschildrenisnotgenerallyfollowedbyillconsequencestotheparentsthemselves。Theymaycastagloomovertheirchildren’slivesformanyyearswithouthavingtosufferanythingthatwillhurtthem。Ishouldsay，then，thatitshowsnogreatmoralobliquityonthepartofparentsifwithincertainlimitstheymaketheirchildren’slivesaburdentothem。

GrantedthatMrPontifex’swasnotaveryexaltedcharacter，ordinarymenarenotrequiredtohaveveryexaltedcharacters。Itisenoughifweareofthesamemoralandmentalstatureasthe“main“or“mean“partofmen——thatistosayastheaverage。

Itisinvolvedintheveryessenceofthingsthatrichmenwhodieoldshallhavebeenmean。Thegreatestandwisestofmankindwillbealmostalwaysfoundtobethemeanest——theoneswhohavekeptthe“mean“bestbetweenexcesseitherofvirtueorvice。Theyhardlyeverhavebeenprosperousiftheyhavenotdonethis，and，consideringhowmanymiscarryaltogether，itisnosmallfeatherinaman’scapifhehasbeennoworsethanhisneighbours。Homertellsusaboutsomeonewhomadeithisbusiness[Greektext]——

alwaystoexcelandtostandhigherthanotherpeople。Whatanuncompanionabledisagreeablepersonhemusthavebeen！Homer’sheroesgenerallycametoabadend，andIdoubtnotthatthisgentleman，whoeverhewas，didsosoonerorlater。

Averyhighstandard，again，involvesthepossessionofrarevirtues，andrarevirtuesarelikerareplantsoranimals，thingsthathavenotbeenabletoholdtheirownintheworld。Avirtuetobeserviceablemust，likegold，bealloyedwithsomecommonerbutmoredurablemetal。

Peopledivideoffviceandvirtueasthoughtheyweretwothings，neitherofwhichhadwithitanythingoftheother。Thisisnotso。

Thereisnousefulvirtuewhichhasnotsomealloyofvice，andhardlyanyvice，ifany，whichcarriesnotwithitalittledashofvirtue；virtueandvicearelikelifeanddeath，ormindandmatter——

thingswhichcannotexistwithoutbeingqualifiedbytheiropposite。Themostabsolutelifecontainsdeath，andthecorpseisstillinmanyrespectsliving；soalsoithasbeensaid，“Ifthou，Lord，wiltbeextremetomarkwhatisdoneamiss。”whichshowsthateventhehighestidealwecanconceivewillyetadmitsomuchcompromisewithviceasshallcountenancethepoorabusesofthetime，iftheyarenottoooutrageous。Thatvicepayshomagetovirtueisnotorious；wecallthishypocrisy；thereshouldbeawordfoundforthehomagewhichvirtuenotunfrequentlypays，oratanyratewouldbewiseinpaying，tovice。

Igrantthatsomemenwillfindhappinessinhavingwhatweallfeeltobeahighermoralstandardthanothers。Iftheygoinforthis，however，theymustbecontentwithvirtueasherownreward，andnotgrumbleiftheyfindloftyQuixotismanexpensiveluxury，whoserewardsbelongtoakingdomthatisnotofthisworld。Theymustnotwonderiftheycutapoorfigureintryingtomakethemostofbothworlds。DisbelieveaswemaythedetailsoftheaccountswhichrecordthegrowthoftheChristianreligion，yetagreatpartofChristianteachingwillremainastrueasthoughweacceptedthedetails。WecannotserveGodandMammon；straitisthewayandnarrowisthegatewhichleadstowhatthosewholivebyfaithholdtobebestworthhaving，andthereisnowayofsayingthisbetterthantheBiblehasdone。Itiswellthereshouldbesomewhothinkthus，asitiswellthereshouldbespeculatorsincommerce，whowilloftenburntheirfingers——butitisnotwellthatthemajorityshouldleavethe“mean“andbeatenpath。

Formostmen，andmostcircumstances，pleasure——tangiblematerialprosperityinthisworld——isthesafesttestofvirtue。Progresshaseverbeenthroughthepleasuresratherthanthroughtheextremesharpvirtues，andthemostvirtuoushaveleanedtoexcessratherthantoasceticism。Touseacommercialmetaphor，competitionissokeen，andthemarginofprofitshasbeencutdownsocloselythatvirtuecannotaffordtothrowanybonafidechanceaway，andmustbaseheractionratherontheactualmoneyingoutofconductthanonaflatteringprospectus。Shewillnotthereforeneglect——assomedowhoareprudentandeconomicalenoughinothermatters——theimportantfactorofourchanceofescapingdetection，oratanyrateofourdyingfirst。Areasonablevirtuewillgivethischanceitsduevalue，neithermorenorless。