第10章
Myfable，credibleenoughatfirst，andsolongasmyclotheswereingoodorder，musthaveseemedworsethandoubtfulaftermycoatbecamefrayedabouttheedges，andmybootsbegantosquelchandpipealongtherestaurantfloors。Theallowanceofonemealadaybesides，thoughsuitableenoughtothestateofmyfinances，agreedpoorlywithmystomach。TherestaurantwasaplaceIhadoftenvisitedexperimentally，totastethelifeofstudentsthenmoreunfortunatethanmyself；andIhadneverinthosedaysentereditwithoutdisgust，orleftitwithoutnausea。Itwasstrangetofindmyselfsittingdownwithavidity，risingupwithsatisfaction，andcountingthehoursthatdividedmefrommyreturntosuchatable。Buthungerisagreatmagician；andsosoonasIhadspentmyreadycash，andcouldnolongerfilluponbowlsofchocolateorhunksofbread，Imustdependentirelyonthatcabman’seating-house，anduponcertainrare，long-expected，long-rememberedwindfalls。Dijon(forinstance)mightgetpaidforsomeofhispot-boilingwork，orelseanoldfriendwouldpassthroughParis；andthenI
wouldbeentertainedtoamealaftermyownsoul，andcontractaLatinQuarterloan，whichwouldkeepmeintobaccoandmymorningcoffeeforafortnight。Itmightbethoughtthelatterwouldappearthemoreimportant。Itmightbesupposedthatalife，ledsoneartheconfinesofactualfamine，shouldhavedulledthenicetyofmypalate。Onthecontrary，thepooreraman’sdiet，themoresharplyishesetondainties。Thelastofmyreadycash，aboutthirtyfrancs，wasdeliberatelysquanderedonasingledinner；andagreatpartofmytimewhenIwasalonewaspasseduponthedetailsofimaginaryfeasts。
Onegleamofhopevisitedme——anorderforabustfromarichSoutherner。Hewasfree-handed，jollyofspeech，merryofcountenance；keptmeingoodhumourthroughthesittings，andwhentheywereover，carriedmeoffwithhimtodinnerandthesightsofParis。Iatewell；Ilaidonflesh；byallaccounts，I
madeafavourablelikenessofthebeing，andIconfessIthoughtmyfuturewasassured。Butwhenthebustwasdone，andIhaddespatcheditacrosstheAtlantic，Icouldneversomuchaslearnofitsarrival。Theblowfelledme；Ishouldhavelaindownandtriednostroketorightmyself，hadnotthehonourofmycountrybeeninvolved。ForDijonimprovedtheopportunityintheEuropeanstyle；informingme(forthefirsttime)ofthemannersofAmerica：howitwasadenofbandittiwithoutthesmallestrudimentoflawororder，anddebtscouldbethereonlycollectedwithashotgun。“Thewholeworldknowsit。”hewouldsay；“youarealone，monpetitLoudon，youarealonetobeinignoranceofthesefacts。ThejudgesoftheSupremeCourtfoughtbuttheotherdaywithstilettosonthebenchatCincinnati。Youshouldreadthelittlebookofoneofmyfriends：_LeTouristedansleFar-West_；youwillseeitallthereingoodFrench。”Atlast，incensedbydaysofsuchdiscussion，Iundertooktoprovetohimthecontrary，andputtheaffairinthehandsofmylatefather’slawyer。FromhimI
hadthegratificationofhearing，afteradueinterval，thatmydebtorwasdeadoftheyellowfeverinKeyWest，andhadlefthisaffairsinsomeconfusion。Isuppresshisname；forthoughhetreatedmewithcruelnonchalance，itisprobablehemeanttodealfairlyintheend。
Soonafterthisashadeofchangeinmyreceptionatthecabman’seating-housemarkedthebeginningofanewphaseinmydistress。Thefirstday，Itoldmyselfitwasbutfancy；thenext，Imadequitesureitwasafact；thethird，inmerepanicI
stayedaway，andwentforforty-eighthoursfasting。Thiswasanactofgreatunreason；forthedebtorwhostaysawayisbutthemoreremarked，andtheboarderwhomissesamealissuretobeaccusedofinfidelity。Onthefourthday，therefore，I
returned，inwardlyquaking。Theproprietorlookedaskanceuponmyentrance；thewaitresses(whowerehisdaughters)
neglectedmywantsandsniffedattheaffectedjovialityofmysalutations；lastandmostplain，whenIcalledforasuisse(suchaswasbeingservedtoalltheotherdiners)Iwasbluntlytoldtherewerenomore。ItwasobviousIwasneartheendofmytether；oneplankdividedmefromwant，andnowIfeltittremble。Ipassedasleeplessnight，andthefirstthinginthemorningtookmywaytoMyner’sstudio。ItwasastepIhadlongmeditatedandlongrefrainedfrom；forIwasscarceintimatewiththeEnglishman；andthoughIknewhimtopossessplentyofmoney，neitherhismannernorhisreputationweretheleastencouragingtobeggars。
Ifoundhimatworkonapicture，whichIwasableconscientiouslytopraise，dressedinhisusualtweeds，plain，butprettyfresh，andstandingoutindisagreeablecontrasttomyownwitheredanddegradedoutfit。Aswetalked，hecontinuedtoshifthiseyeswatchfullybetweenhishandiworkandthefatmodel，whosatatthefarendofthestudioinastateofnature，withonearmgallantlyarchedaboveherhead。Myerrandwouldhavebeendifficultenoughunderthebestofcircumstances：placedbetweenMyner，immersedinhisart，andthewhite，fat，nakedfemaleinaridiculousattitude，Ifounditquiteimpossible。AgainandagainIattemptedtoapproachthepoint，againandagainfellbackoncommendationsofthepicture；anditwasnotuntilthemodelhadenjoyedanintervalofrepose，duringwhichshetooktheconversationinherownhandsandregaledus(inasoft，weakvoice)withdetailsastoherhusband’sprosperity，hersister’slamenteddeclinefromthepathsofvirtue，andtheconsequentwrathofherfather，apeasantofsternprinciples，inthevicinityofChalonsontheMarne；——itwasnot，Isay，untilafterthiswasover，andIhadoncemoreclearedmythroatfortheattack，andoncemoredroppedasideintosomecommonplaceaboutthepicture，thatMynerhimselfbroughtmesuddenlyandvigorouslytothepoint。
“Youdidn’tcomeheretotalkthisrot。”saidhe。
“No。”Irepliedsullenly；“Icametoborrowmoney。”
Hepaintedawhileinsilence。
“Idon’tthinkwewereeververyintimate？”heasked。
“Thankyou。”saidI。“Icantakemyanswer。”andImadeasiftogo，rageboilinginmyheart。
“Ofcourseyoucangoifyoulike。”saidMyner；“butIadviseyoutostayandhaveitout。”
“Whatmoreistheretosay？”Icried。“Youdon’twanttokeepmehereforaneedlesshumiliation？”
“Lookhere，Dodd，youmusttryandcommandyourtemper。”
saidhe。“Thisinterviewisofyourownseeking，andnotmine；
ifyousupposeit’snotdisagreeabletome，you’rewrong；andifyouthinkIwillgiveyoumoneywithoutknowingthoroughlyaboutyourprospects，youtakemeforafool。Besides。”headded，“ifyoucometolookatit，you’vegotovertheworstofitbynow：youhavedonetheasking，andyouhaveeveryreasontoknowImeantorefuse。Iholdoutnofalsehopes，butitmaybeworthyourwhiletoletmejudge。”
Thus——Iwasgoingtosay——encouraged，Istumbledthroughmystory；toldhimIhadcreditatthecabman’seating-house，butbegantothinkitwasdrawingtoaclose；howDijonlentmeacornerofhisstudio，whereItriedtomodelornaments，figuresforclocks，Timewiththescythe，Ledaandtheswan，musketeersforcandlesticks，andotherkickshaws，whichhadnever(uptothatday)beenhonouredwiththeleastapproval。
“Andyourroom？”askedMyner。
“O，myroomisallright，Ithink。”saidI。“Sheisaverygoodoldlady，andhasneverevenmentionedherbill。”
“Becausesheisaverygoodoldlady，Idon’tseewhysheshouldbefined。”observedMyner。
“Whatdoyoumeanbythat？”Icried。
“Imeanthis。”saidhe。“TheFrenchgiveagreatdealofcreditamongstthemselves；theyfinditpaysonthewhole，orthesystemwouldhardlybecontinued；butIcan’tseewhereWE
comein；Ican’tseethatit’shonestofusAnglo-Saxonstoprofitbytheireasyways，andthenskipovertheChannelor(asyouYankeesdo)acrosstheAtlantic。”
“ButI’mnotproposingtoskip。”Iobjected。
“Exactly。”hereplied。“Andshouldn’tyou？There’stheproblem。
Youseemtometohavealackofsympathyfortheproprietorsofcabmen’seating-houses。Byyourownaccountyou’renotgettingon：thelongeryoustay，it’llonlybethemoreoutofthepocketofthedearoldladyatyourlodgings。Now，I’lltellyouwhatI’lldo：ifyouconsenttogo，I’llpayyourpassagetoNewYork，andyourrailwayfareandexpensestoMuskegon(ifI
havethenameright)whereyourfatherlived，wherehemusthaveleftfriends，andwhere，nodoubt，you’llfindanopening。I
don’tseekanygratitude，forofcourseyou’llthinkmeabeast；
butIdoaskyoutopayitbackwhenyouareable。Atanyrate，that’sallIcando。ItmightbedifferentifIthoughtyouagenius，Dodd；butIdon’t，andIadviseyounotto。”
“Ithinkthatwasuncalledfor，atleast。”saidI。
“Idaresayitwas。”hereturned，withthesamesteadiness。“Itseemedtomepertinent；and，besides，whenyouaskmeformoneyuponnosecurity，youtreatmewiththelibertyofafriend，andit’stobepresumedthatIcandothelike。Butthepointis，doyouaccept？”
“No，thankyou。”saidI；“Ihaveanotherstringtomybow。”
“Allright。”saysMyner。“Besureit’shonest。”
“Honest？honest？”Icried。“Whatdoyoumeanbycallingmyhonestyinquestion？”
“Iwon’t，ifyoudon’tlikeit。”hereplied。“YouseemtothinkhonestyaseasyasBlindMan’sBuff：Idon’t。It’ssomedifferenceofdefinition。”
Iwentstraightfromthisirritatinginterview，duringwhichMynerhadneverdiscontinuedpainting，tothestudioofmyoldmaster。Onlyonecardremainedformetoplay，andIwasnowresolvedtoplayit：Imustdropthegentlemanandthefrock-coat，andapproachartintheworkman’stunic。
“Tiens，thislittleDodd！”criedthemaster；andthen，ashiseyefellonmydilapidatedclothing，IthoughtIcouldperceivehiscountenancetodarken。
ImademypleainEnglish；forIknew，ifhewerevainofanything，itwasofhisachievementoftheislandtongue。
“Master。”saidI，“willyoutakemeinyourstudioagain？butthistimeasaworkman。”
“Isoughtyourfazerwasimmenselyreech。”saidhe。
IexplainedtohimthatIwasnowanorphanandpenniless。
Heshookhishead。“Ihavebetterrworkmenwaitingatmydoor。”saidhe，“farbetterrworkmen。
“Youusedtothinksomethingofmywork，sir。”Ipleaded。
“Somesing，somesing——yes！”hecried；“enoughforasonofareechman——notenoughforanorphan。Besides，Isoughtyoumightlearntobeanartist；Ididnotsinkyoumightlearntobeaworkman。”
Onacertainbenchontheouterboulevard，notfarfromthetombofNapoleon，abenchshadedatthatdatebyashabbytree，andcommandingaviewofmuddyroadwayandblankwall，Isatdowntowrestlewithmymisery。Theweatherwascheerlessanddark；inthreedaysIhadeatenbutonce；Ihadnotobacco；myshoesweresoaked，mytrousershorridwithmire；
myhumourandallthecircumstancesofthetimeandplacelugubriouslyattuned。HereweretwomenwhohadbothspokenfairlyofmyworkwhileIwasrichandwantednothing；
nowthatIwaspoorandlackedall：“nogenius。”saidtheone；
“notenoughforanorphan。”theother；andthefirstofferedmemypassagelikeapauperimmigrant，andthesecondrefusedmeaday’swageasahewerofstone——plaindealingforanemptybelly。Theyhadnotbeeninsincereinthepast；theywerenotinsincereto-day：changeofcircumstancehadintroducedanewcriterion：thatwasall。
ButifIacquittedmytwoJob’scomfortersofinsincerity，Iwasyetfarfromadmittingtheminfallible。Artistshadbeencontemnedbefore，andhadlivedtoturnthelaughontheircontemners。HowoldwasCorotbeforehestrucktheveinofhisownpreciousmetal？Whenhadayoungmanbeenmorederided(ormorejustlyso)thanthegodofmyadmiration，Balzac？OrifIrequiredabolderinspiration，whathadItodobutturnmyheadtowherethegolddomeoftheInvalidesglitteredagainstinkysqualls，andrecallthetaleofhimsleepingthere：fromthedaywhenayoungartillery-subcouldbegiggledatandnicknamedPuss-in-Bootsbyfriskymisses；
ontothedaysofsomanycrownsandsomanyvictories，andsomanyhundredmouthsofcannon，andsomanythousandwar-
hoofstramplingtheroadwaysofastonishedEuropeeightymilesinfrontofthegrandarmy？Togoback，togiveup，toproclaimmyselfafailure，anambitiousfailure，firstarocket，thenastick！I，LoudonDodd，whohadrefusedallotherlivelihoodswithscorn，andbeenadvertisedintheSaintJoseph_SundayHerald_asapatriotandanartist，tobereturneduponmynativeMuskegonlikedamagedgoods，andgothecircuitofmyfather’sacquaintance，capinhand，andbeggingtosweepoffices！No，byNapoleon！Iwoulddieatmychosentrade；andthetwowhohadthatdayfloutedmeshouldlivetoenvymysuccess，ortoweeptearsofunavailingpenitencebehindmypaupercoffin。
Meantime，ifmycouragewasstillundiminished，Iwasnonethenearertoameal。Atnogreatdistancemycabman’seating-