第14章

Tê；te-à；-Tê；teandaDiscoveryInlittlemorethantwentyminutes，thejourneywasaccomplished。Ipausedatthegatetowipemystreamingforehead，andrecovermybreathandsomedegreeofcomposure。Alreadytherapidwalkinghadsomewhatmitigatedmyexcitement；andwithafirmandsteadytread，Ipacedthegardenwalk。

Inpassingtheinhabitedwingofthebuilding，IcaughtasightofMrsGrahamthroughtheopenwindow，slowlypacingupanddownherlonelyroom。

Sheseemedagitated，andevendismayed，atmyarrival，asifshethoughtItoowascomingtoaccuseher。Ihadenteredherpresenceintendingtocondolewithheruponthewickednessoftheworld，andhelphertoabusethevicarandhisvileinformants，butnowIfeltpositivelyashamedtomentionthesubject，anddeterminednottorefertoit，unlesssheledtheway。

`Iamcomeatanunseasonablehour，’saidI，assumingacheerfulnessIdidnotfeel，inordertoreassureher；`butIwon’tstaymanyminutes。’

Shesmileduponme，faintlyitistrue，butmostkindly——Ihadalmostsaidthankfully，asherapprehensionswereremoved。

`Howdismalyouare，Helen！Whyhaveyounofire？’Isaid，lookingroundonthegloomyapartment。

`Itissummeryet，’shereplied。

`Butwealwayshaveafireintheevenings——ifwecanbearit；——andyou，especially，requireoneinthiscoldhouseanddrearyroom。

`Youshouldhavecomealittlesooner，andIwouldhavehadonelightedforyou；butitisnotworthwhilenow——youwon’tstaymanyminutes，yousay，andArthurisgonetobed。’

`ButIhaveafancyforafire，nevertheless。Willyouorderone，ifIring？’

`WhyGilbert，youdon’tlookcold！’saidshe，smilinglyregardingmyface，whichnodoubtseemedwarmenough。

`No，’repliedI，`butIwanttoseeyoucomfortablebeforeIgo。’

`Mecomfortable！’repeatedshe，withabitterlaugh，asifthereweresomethingamusinglyabsurdintheidea。`Itsuitsmebetterasitis，’sheadded，inatoneofmournfulresignation。

Butdeterminedtohavemyownway，Ipulledthebell。

`Therenow，Helen！’Isaid，astheapproachingstepsofRachelwereheardinanswertothesummons。Therewasnothingforitbuttoturnroundanddesirethemaidtolightthefire。

IoweRachelagrudgetothisdayforthelookshecastuponmeereshedepartedonhermission——thesour，suspicious，inquisitoriallookthatplainlydemanded，`Whatareyouherefor，Iwonder？’Hermistressdidnotfailtonoticeit，andashadeofuneasinessdarkenedherbrow。

`Youmustnotstaylong，Gilbert，’saidshe，whenthedoorwascloseduponus。

`I’mnotgoingto，’saidI，somewhattestily，thoughwithoutagrainofangerinmyheartagainstanyonebutthemeddlingoldwoman。`ButHelen，I’vesomethingtosaytoyoubeforeIgo。’

`Whatisit？’

`No，notnow——Idon’tknowyetpreciselywhatitis——orhowtosayit，’repliedI，withmoretruththanwisdom；andthen，fearinglestsheshouldturnmeoutofthehouse，Ibegantalkingaboutindifferentmattersinordertogaintime。MeanwhileRachelcameintokindlethefire，whichwassooneffectedbythrustingared-hotpokerbetweenthebarsofthegrate，wherethefuelwasalreadydisposedforignition。Shehonouredmewithanotherofherhard，inhospitablelooksindeparting，but，littlemovedthereby，Iwentontalking；andsettingachairforMrsGrahamononesideofthehearthandoneformyselfontheother，Iventuredtositdown，thoughhalfsuspectingshewouldratherseemego。

Inalittlewhilewebothrelapsedintosilence，andcontinuedforseveralminutesgazingabstractedlyintothefire——sheintentuponherownsadthoughts，andIreflectinghowdelightfulitwouldbetobeseatedthusbesideherwithnootherpresencetorestrainourintercourse——noteventhatofArthur，ourmutualfriend，withoutwhomwehadnevermetbefore——ifonlyIcouldventuretospeakmymind，anddisburdenmyfullheartofthefeelingsthathadsolongoppressedit，andwitchitnowstruggledtoretain，withaneffortthatitseemedimpossibletocontinuemuchlonger，——andrevolvingtheprosandconsforopeningmyhearttoherthereandthen，andimploringareturnofaffection，thepermissiontoregardherthenceforthasmyown，andtherightandthepowertodefendherfromthecalumniesofmalicioustongues。Ontheonehand，Ifeltanew-bornconfidenceinmypowersofpersuasion——astrongconvictionthatmyownfervourofspiritwouldgrantmeeloquence——thatmyverydetermination——theabsolutenecessityforsucceedingthatIfelt——mustwinmewhatIsought；whileontheother，IfearedtolosethegroundIhadalreadygainedwithsomuchtoilandskill，anddestroyallfuturehopebyonerasheffort，whentimeandpatiencemighthavewonsuccess。Itwaslikesettingmylifeuponthecastofadie；andyetIwasreadytoresolveupontheattempt。AtanyrateIwouldentreattheexplanationshehadhalfpromisedtogivemebefore：Iwoulddemandthereasonofthishatefulbarrier，thismysteriousimpedimenttomyhappinessand，asItrusted，toherown。

ButwhileIconsideredinwhatmannerIcouldbestframemyrequest，mycompanionwakenedfromherreveriewithascarcelyaudiblesigh，andlookingtowardsthewindowwheretheblood-redharvestmoon，justrisingoveroneofthegrim，fantasticever-greens，wasshininginuponus，said，——

`Gilbert，itisgettinglate。’

`Isee，’saidI。`Youwantmetogo，Isuppose。’

`Ithinkyouought。Ifmykindneighboursgettoknowofthisvisit——asnodoubttheywill——theywillnotturnitmuchtomyadvantage’

Itwaswithwhatthevicarwoulddoubtlesshavecalledasavagesortofasmilethatshesaidthis。

`Letthemturnitastheywill，’saidI。`Whataretheirthoughtstoyouorme，solongaswearesatisfiedwithourselves——andeachother。

Letthemgotothedeucewiththeirvileconstructionsandtheirlyinginventions！’

Thisoutburstbroughtaflushofcolourtoherface。

`Youhaveheard，then，whattheysayofme？’

`Iheardsomedetestablefalsehoods；butnonebutfoolswouldcreditthemforamoment，Helen，sodon’tletthemtroubleyou。’

`IdidnotthinkMrMillwardafool，andhebelievesitall；buthoweverlittleyoumayvaluetheopinionsofthoseaboutyou——howeverlittleyoumayesteemthemasindividuals，itisnotpleasanttobelookeduponasaliarandahypocrite，tobethoughttopracticewhatyouabhor，andtoencouragethevicesyouwoulddiscountenance，tofindyourgoodintentionsfrustrated，andyourhandscrippledbyyoursupposedunworthiness，andtobringdisgraceontheprinciplesyouprofess。’

`True；andifI，bymythoughtlessnessandselfishdisregardtoappearances，haveatallassistedtoexposeyoutotheseevils，letmeentreatyounotonlytopardonme，buttoenablemetomakereparation；

authorizemetoclearyournamefromeveryimputation：givemetherighttoidentifyyourhonourwithmyown，andtodefendyourreputationasmorepreciousthanmylife！’

`Areyouheroenoughtouniteyourselftoonewhomyouknowtobesuspectedanddespisedbyallaroundyou，andidentifyyourinterestsandyourhonourwithhers？Think！itisaseriousthing。’

`Ishouldbeproudtodoit，Helen！——mosthappy——delightedbeyondexpression！——andifthatbealltheobstacletoourunion，itisdemolished，andyoumust——youshallbemine！’

Andstartingfrommyseatinafrenzyofardour，Iseizedherhandandwouldhavepressedittomylips，butsheassuddenlycaughtitaway，exclaiminginthebitternessofintenseaffliction：——

`No，no，itisnotall！’

`Whatisitthen？YoupromisedIshouldknowsometime，and——

`Youshallknowsometime——butnotnow——myheadachesterribly，’

shesaid，pressingherhandtoherforehead，`andImusthavesomerepose——andsurely，Ihavehadmiseryenoughtoday！’sheadded，almostwildly。

`Butitcouldnotharmyoutotellit，’Ipersisted：`itwouldeaseyourmind；andIshouldthenknowhowtocomfortyou。’

Sheshookherheaddespondingly。`Ifyouknewall，you，too，wouldblameme——perhapsevenmorethanIdeserve——thoughIhavecruellywrongedyou，’sheaddedinalowmurmur，asifshemusedaloud。

`You，Helen？Impossible！’

`Yes，notwillingly；forIdidnotknowthestrengthanddepthofyourattachment——Ithought——atleastIendeavouredtothinkyourregardformewasascoldandfraternalasyouprofessedittobe。’

`Orasyours？’

`Orasmine——oughttohavebeen——ofsuchalightandselfish，superficialnaturethat——`’

`There，indeed，youwrongedme。’

`IknowIdid；andsometimes，Isuspecteditthen；butIthought，uponthewhole，therecouldbenogreatharminleavingyourfanciesandyourhopestodreamthemselvestonothing——orflutterawaytosomemorefittingobject，whileyourfriendlysympathiesremainedwithme；butifIhadknownthedepthofyourregard，thegenerousdisinterestedaffectionyouseemtofeel——`’

`Seem，Helen？’

`Thatyoudofeel，then，Iwouldhaveacteddifferently。’

`How？Youcouldnothavegivenmelessencouragement，ortreatedmewithgreaterseveritythanyoudid！Andifyouthinkyouhavewrongedmebygivingmeyourfriendship，andoccasionallyadmittingmetotheenjoymentofyourcompanyandconversation，whenallhopesofcloserintimacywerevain——asindeedyoualwaysgavemetounderstand——ifyouthinkyouhavewrongedmebythis，youaremistaken；forsuchfavours，inthemselvesalone，arenotonlydelightfultomyheart，butpurifying，exalting，ennoblingtomysoul；andIwouldratherhaveyourfriendshipthantheloveofanyotherwomanintheworld！’

Littlecomfortedbythis，sheclaspedherhandsuponherknee，andglancingupward，seemed，insilentanguish，toimploredivineassistance；

thenturningtome，shecalmlysaid——

`To-morrow，ifyoumeetmeonthemooraboutmidday，Iwilltellyouallyouseektoknow；andperhapsyouwillthenseethenecessityofdiscontinuingourintimacy——if，indeed，youdonotwillinglyresignmeasonenolongerworthyofregard。’

`Icansafelyanswerno，tothat：youcannothavesuchgraveconfessionstomake——youmustbetryingmyfaith，Helen。’

`No，no，no，’sheearnestlyrepeated——`Iwishitwereso！ThankHeaven，’sheadded，`Ihavenogreatcrimetoconfess；butIhavemorethanyouwillliketohear，or，perhaps，canreadilyexcuse，——andmorethanIcantellyounow；soletmeentreatyou，toleaveme！’

`Iwill；butanswermethisonequestionfirst；——doyouloveme？’

`Iwillnotanswerit’

`ThenIwillconcludeyoudo；andsogoodnight。’

Sheturnedfrommetohidetheemotionshecouldnotquitecontrol；

butItookherhandandferventlykissedit。

`Gilbert，doleaveme！’shecried，inatoneofsuchthrillinganguishthatIfeltitwouldbecrueltodisobey。ButIgaveonelookbackbeforeIclosedthedoor，andsawherleaningforwardonthetable，withherhandspressedagainsthereyes，sobbingconvulsively；yetIwithdrewinsilence。Ifeltthattoobtrudemyconsolationsonherthenwouldonlyservetoaggravatehersufferings。

Totellyouallthequestioningsandconjectures——thefears，andhopes，andwildemotionsthatjostledandchasedeachotherthroughmymindasIdescendedthehill，wouldalmostfillavolumeinitself。ButbeforeIwashalf-waydownasentimentofstrongsympathyforherIhadleftbehindmehaddisplacedallotherfeelings，andseemedimperativelytodrawmeback：Ibegantothink，`WhyamIhurryingsofastinthisdirection？

CanIfindcomfortorconsolation——peace，certainty，contentment，all——oranythingthatIwantathome？andcanIleaveallperturbation，sorrowandanxietybehindmethere？’