第15章

AndIturnedroundtolookattheoldhall。Therewaslittlebesidesthechimneysvisibleabovemycontractedhorizon。Iwalkedbacktogetabetterviewofit。Whenitroseinsight，Istoodstillamomenttolook，andthencontinuedmovingtowardsthegloomyobjectofattraction。Somethingcalledmenearer——nearerstill——andwhynot，pray？MightInotfindmorebenefitinthecontemplationofthatvenerablepilewiththefullmooninthecloudlessheavenshiningsocalmlyaboveit——withthatwarmyellowlustrepeculiartoanAugustnight——andthemistressofmysoulwithin，thaninreturningtomyhomewhereallcomparativelywaslight，andlife，andcheerfulness，andthereforeinimicaltomeinmypresentframeofmind，——andthemoresothatitsinmatesallweremoreorlessimbuedwiththatdetestablebelieftheverythoughtofwhichmademybloodboilinmyveins——andhowcouldIenduretohearitopenlydeclared——orcautiouslyinsinuated——whichwasworse？——Ihadhadtroubleenoughalready，withsomebabblingfiendthatwouldkeepwhisperinginmyear，`Itmaybetrue，’tillIhadshoutedaloud，`Itisfalse！Idefyyoutomakemesupposeit！’

Icouldseetheredfirelightdimlygleamingfromherparlourwindow。Iwentuptothegardenwall，andstoodleaningoverit，withmyeyesfixeduponthelattice，wonderingwhatshewasdoing，thinking，orsufferingnow，andwishingIcouldspeaktoherbutoneword，orevencatchoneglimpseofher，beforeIwent。

Ihadnotthuslooked，andwished，andwonderedlong，beforeI

vaultedoverthebarrier，unabletoresistthetemptationoftakingoneglancethroughthewindow，justtoseeifsheweremorecomposedthanwhenweparted；——andifIfoundherstillindeepdistress，perhapsImightventuretoattemptawordofcomfort——toutteroneofthemanythingsI

shouldhavesaidbefore，insteadofaggravatinghersufferingsbymystupidimpetuosity。Ilooked。Herchairwasvacant：sowastheroom。Butatthatmomentsomeoneopenedtheouterdoor，andavoice——hervoice——said，——

`Comeout——Iwanttoseethemoon，andbreathetheeveningair：

theywilldomegood——ifanythingwill。’

Here，then，weresheandRachelcomingtotakeawalkinthegarden。

Iwishedmyselfsafebackoverthewall。Istood，however，intheshadowofthetallhollybush，which，standingbetweenthewindowandtheporch，atpresentscreenedmefromobservation，butdidnotpreventmefromseeingtwofigurescomeforthintothemoonlight；MrsGrahamfollowedbyanother——notRachel，butayoungman，slenderandrathertall。Ohheavens，howmytemplesthrobbed！Intenseanxietydarkenedmysight；butIthought——yes，andthevoiceconfirmedit——itwasMrLawrence。

`Youshouldnotletitworryyousomuch，Helen，’saidhe；`I

willbemorecautiousinfuture；andintime——`’

Ididnotheartherestofthesentence；forhewalkedclosebesideherandspokesogentlythatIcouldnotcatchthewords。Myheartwassplittingwithhatred；butIlistenedintentlyforherreply。Ihearditplainlyenough。

`ButImustleavethisplace，Frederick，’shesaid——`Inevercanbehappyhere，——noranywhereelse，indeed，’sheadded，withmirthlesslaugh，——`butIcannotresthere。’

`Butwherecouldyoufindabetterplace？’repliedhe，——`sosecluded——sonearme，ifyouthinkanythingofthat。’

`Yes，’interruptedshe，`itisallIcouldwish，iftheycouldonlyhaveleftmealone。’

`Butwhereveryougo，Helen，therewillbethesamesourcesofannoyance。Icannotconsenttoloseyou：Imustgowithyou，orcometoyou；andtherearemeddlingfoolselsewhere，aswillashere。’

Whilethusconversing，theyhadsaunteredslowlypastmedownthewalk，andIheardnomoreoftheirdiscourse；butIsawhimputhisarmroundherwaist，whileshelovinglyrestedherhandonhisshoulder；——andthen，atremulousdarknessobscuredmysight，myheartsickenedandmyheadburnedlikefire，Ihalfrushed，halfstaggeredfromthespotwherehorrorhadkeptmerooted，andleapedortumbledoverthewall——Ihardlyknowwhich——butIknowthat，afterwards，likeapassionatechild，Idashedmyselfonthegroundandlaythereinaparoxysmofangeranddespair——howlong，Icannotundertaketosay；butitmusthavebeenaconsiderabletime；

forwhen，havingpartiallyrelievedmyselfbyatorrentoftears，andlookedupatthemoon，shiningsocalmlyandcarelesslyon，aslittleinfluencedbymymiseryasIwasbyitspeacefulradiance，andearnestlyprayedfordeathorforgetfulness，Ihadrisenandjourneyedhomewards——littleregardingtheway，butcarriedinstinctivelybymyfeettothedoor，Ifounditboltedagainstme，andeveryoneinbedexceptmymother，whohastenedtoanswermyimpatientknocking，andreceivedmewithashowerofquestionsandrebukes：——

`Oh，Gilbert，howcouldyoudoso？Wherehaveyoubeen？Docomeinandtakeyoursupper——I’vegotitallready，thoughyoudon’tdeserveitforkeepingmeinsuchafrightafterthestrangemanneryouleftthehousethisevening。MrMillwardwasquite——Blesstheboy！

howillhelooks！Oh，gracious！whatisthematter？’

`Nothing，nothing——givemeacandle。’

`Butwon’tyoutakesomesupper？’

`No，Iwanttogotobed，’saidI，takingacandleandlightingitattheonesheheldinherhand。

`Oh，Gilbert，howyoutremble！’exclaimedmyanxiousparent。

`Howwhiteyoulook！——Dotellmewhatitis？Hasanythinghappened？’

`It’snothing！’criedI，readytostampwithvexationbecausethecandlewouldnotlight。Then，suppressingmyirritation，Iadded，`I’vebeenwalkingtoofast，that’sall。Goodnight，’andmarchedofftobed，regardlessofthe`Walkingtoofast！wherehaveyoubeen？’thatwascalledaftermefrombelow。

Mymotherfollowedmetotheverydoorofmyroomwithherquestioningsandadviceconcerningmyhealthandmyconduct；butIimploredhertoletmealonetillmorning；andshewithdrew，andatlength，Ihadthesatisfactiontohearhercloseherowndoor。Therewasnosleepforme，however，thatnight，asIthought；andinsteadofattemptingtosolicitit，Iemployedmyselfinrapidlypacingthechamber——havingfirstremovedmybootslestmymothershouldhearme。Buttheboardscreaked，andshewaswatchful。

Ihadnotwalkedaboveaquarterofanhourbeforeshewasatthedooragain。

`Gilbert，whyareyounotinbed——yousaidyouwantedtogo？’

`Confoundit！I’mgoing，’saidI。

`Butwhyareyousolongaboutit？youmusthavesomethingonyourmind——`’

`ForHeaven’ssake，letmealone，andgettobedyourself！’

`CanitbethatMrsGrahamthatdistressesyouso？’

`No，no，Itellyou——It’snothing！’

`Iwishtogoodnessitmayn’t！’murmuredshe，withasigh，asshereturnedtoherownapartment，whileIthrewmyselfonthebed，feelingmostundutifullydisaffectedtowardsherforhavingdeprivedmeofwhatseemedtheonlyshadowofaconsolationthatremained，andchainedmetothatwretchedcouchofthorns。

NeverdidIenduresolong，somiserableanightasthat。Andyetitwasnotwhollysleepless：towardsmorningmydistractingthoughtsbegantoloseallpretensionstocoherency，andshapethemselvesintoconfusedandfeverishdreams，and，atlength，therefollowedanintervalofunconsciousslumber。Butthenthedawnofbitterrecollectionthatsucceeded——thewakingtofindlifeablank，andworsethanablank——teemingwithtormentandmisery——notamerebarrenwilderness，butfullofthornsandbriars——tofindmyselfdeceived，duped，hopeless，affectionstrampledupon，myangelnotanangel，andmyfriendafiendincarnate——itwasworsethanifIhadnotsleptatall。

Itwasadull，gloomymorning，theweatherhadchangedlikemyprospects，andtherainwaspatteringagainstthewindow。Irose，nevertheless，andwentout；nottolookafterthefarm，thoughthatwouldserveasmyexcuse，buttocoolmybrain，andregain，ifpossible，asufficientdegreeofcomposuretomeetthefamilyatthemorningmealwithoutexcitinginconvenientremarks。IfIgotawetting，that，inconjunctionwithapretendedover-exertionbeforebreakfast，mightexcusemysuddenlossofappetite；andifacoldensued，thesevererthebetter，itwouldhelptoaccountforthesullenmoodsandmopingmelancholylikelytocloudmybrowforlongenough。

TheTenantofWildfellHall：Chapter13CHAPTER13ReturntoDuty“MydearGilbert！Iwishyouwouldtrytobealittlemoreamiable。”

saidmymother，onemorningaftersomedisplayofunjustifiableillhumouronmypart。“Yousaythereisnothingthematterwithyou，andnothinghashappenedtogrieveyou，andyetIneversawanyonesoalteredasyouwithintheselastfewdays：youhaven’tagoodwordforanybody——friendsandstrangers，equalsandinferiors——it’sallthesame。Idowishyou’dtrytocheckit。”

“Checkwhat？”

“Why，yourstrangetemper。Youdon’tknowhowitspoilsyou。I’msureafinerdispositionthanyours，bynature，couldnotbe，ifyou’dletithavefairplay；soyou’venoexcusethatway。”

Whileshethusremonstrated，Itookupabook，andlayingitopenonthetablebeforeme，pretendedtobedeeplyabsorbedinitsperusal；

forIwasequallyunabletojustifymyself，andunwillingtoacknowledgemyerrors；andIwishedtohavenothingtosayonthematter。Butmyexcellentparentwentonlecturing，andthencametocoaxing，andbegantostrokemyhair；andIwasgettingtofeelquiteagoodboy，butmymischievousbrother，whowasidlingabouttheroom，revivedmycorruptionbysuddenlycallingout：——

“Don’ttouchhim，mother！he’llbite！He’saverytigerinhumanform。I’vegivenhimup，formypart——fairlydisownedhim——casthimoff，rootandbranch。It’sasmuchasmylifeisworthtocomewithinsixyardsofhim。Theotherdayhenearlyfracturedmyskullforsingingapretty，inoffensivelovesong，onpurposetoamusehim。”

“Oh，Gilbert！howcouldyou？”exclaimedmymother。

“Itoldyoutoholdyournoisefirst，youknow，Fergus。”saidI。

“Yes，butwhenIassuredyouitwasnotrouble，andwentonwithtilenextverse，thinkingyoumightlikeitbetter，youclutchedmebytheshoulderanddashedmeaway，rightagainstthewallthere，withsuchforce，thatIthoughtIhadbittenmytongueintwo，andexpectedtoseetheplaceplasteredwithmybrains；andwhenIputmyhandtomyheadandfoundmyskullnotbroken，Ithoughtitwasamiracleandnomistake。Butpoorfellow！”addedhe，withasentimentalsigh——“hisheart’sbroken——that’sthetruthofit——andhishead’s——`’

“WillyoubesilentNOW？”criedI，startingup，andeyeingthefellowsofiercelythatmymother，thinkingImeanttoinflictsomegrievousbodilyinjury，laidherhandonmyarm，andbesoughtmetolethimalone，andhewalkedleisurelyout，withhishandsinhispockets，singingprovokingly——“ShallIbecauseawoman’sfair。”etc。

“I’mnotgoingtodefilemyfingerswithhim。”saidI，inanswertothematernalintercession。“Iwouldn’ttouchhimwiththetongs。”

InowrecollectedthatIhadbusinesswithRobertWilson，concerningthepurchaseofacertainfieldadjoiningmyfarm——abusinessIhadbeenputtingofffromdaytoday；forIhadnointerestinanythingnow；andbesides，IWasmisanthropicallyinclined，and，moreover，hadaparticularobjectiontomeetingJaneWilsonorhermother；forthoughIhadtoogoodreason，now，tocredittheirreportsconcerningMrsGraham，Ididnotlikethemabitthebetterforit——orElizaMillwardeither——andthethoughtofmeetingthemwasthemorerepugnanttome，thatIcouldnot，now，defytheirseemingcalumniesandtriumphinmyownconvictionsasbefore。Butto-day，Ideterminedtomakeanefforttoreturntomyduty。

ThoughIfoundnopleasureinit，itwouldbelessirksomethanidleness——atalleventsitwouldbemoreprofitable。Iflifepromisednoenjoymentwithinmyvocation，atleastitofferednoallurementsoutofit；andhenceforth，Iwouldputmyshouldertothewheelandtoilaway，likeanypoordrudgeofacart-horsethatwasfairlybrokenintoitslabour，andplodthroughlife，notwhollyuselessifnotagreeable，anduncomplainingifnotcontentedwithmylot。

Thusresolving，withakindofsullenresignation，ifsuchatermmaybeallowed，IwendedmywaytoRyecoteFarm，scarcelyexpectingtofinditsownerwithinatthistimeofday，buthopingtolearninwhatpartofthepremiseshewasmostlikelytobefound。

Absenthewas，butexpectedhomeinafewminutes；andIwasdesiredtostepintotheparlourandwait。MrsWilsonwasbusyinthekitchen，buttheroomwasnotempty；andIscarcelycheckedaninvoluntaryrecoilasIenteredit；fortheresatMissWilsonchatteringwithElizaMillward。

However，Ideterminedtobecoolandcivil。Elizaseemedtohavemadethesameresolutiononherpart。Wehadnotmetsincetheeveningofthetea-party；

buttherewasnovisibleemotioneitherofpleasureorpain，noattemptatpathos，nodisplayofinjuredpride：shewascoolintemper，civilindemeanour。TherewasevenaneaseandcheerfulnessaboutherairandmannerthatImadenopretensionto；buttherewasadepthofmaliceinhertooexpressiveeye，thatplainlytoldmeIwasnotforgiven；for，thoughshenolongerhopedtowinmetoherself，shestillhatedherrival，andevidentlydelightedtowreakherspiteonme。Ontheotherhand，MissWilsonwasasaffableandcourteousasheartcouldwishandthoughIwasinnoveryconversablehumourmyself，thetwoladiesbetweenthemmanagedtokeepupaprettycontinuousfireofsmalltalk。ButElizatookadvantageofthefirstconvenientpausetoaskifIhadlatelyseenMrsGraham，inatoneofmerelycasualinquiry，butwithasidelongglance——intendedtobeplayfullymischievous——really，brimfulandrunningoverwithmalice。

“Notlately。”Ireplied，inacarelesstone，butsternlyrepellingherodiousglanceswithmyeyes；forIwasvexedtofeelthecolourmountingtomyforehead，despitemystrenuouseffortstoappearunmoved。

“What！areyoubeginningtotirealready？Ithoughtsonobleacreaturewouldhavepowertoattachyouforayearatleast！”