第19章

`Well，Ishallbeneithercarelessnorweak。’

`RememberPeter，Helen！Don’tboast，butwatch。Keepaguardoveryoureyesandearsastheinletsofyourheart，andoveryourlipsastheoutlet，lesttheybetrayyouinamomentofunwariness。Receive，coldlyanddispassionately，everyattention，tillyouhaveascertainedanddulyconsideredtheworthoftheaspirant；andletyouraffectionsbeconsequentuponapprobationalone。Firststudy；thenapprove；thenlove。

letyoureyesbeblindtoallexternalattractions，yourearsdeaftoallthefascinationsofBatteryandlightdiscourse——Thesearenothing——andworsethannothing——snaresandwilesofthetempter，tolurethethoughtlesstotheirowndestruction。Principleisthefirstthing，afterall；andnexttothat，goodsense，respectability，andmoderatewealth。Ifyoushouldmarrythehandsomest，andmostaccomplishedandsuperficiallyagreeablemanintheworld，youlittleknowthemiserythatwouldoverwhelmyou，if，afterall，youshouldfindhimtobeaworthlessreprobate，orevenanimpracticablefool。’

`Butwhatareallthepoorfoolsandreprobatestodo，aunt？Ifeverybodyfollowedyouradvicetheworldwouldsooncometoanend。’

`Neverfear，mydear！themalefoolsandreprobateswillneverwantforpartnerswhiletherearesomanyoftheothersextomatchthem；

butdoyoufollowmyadvice。Andthisisnosubjectforjesting，Helen；

Iamsorrytoseeyoutreatthematterinthatlightway。Believeme，matrimonyisaseriousthing。’Andshespokeitsoseriouslythatonemighthavefanciedshehadknownittohercost；butIaskednomoreimpertinentquestions，andmerelyanswered，——

`Iknowitis；andIknowthereistruthandsenseinwhatyousay；butyouneednotfearme，forInotonlyshouldthinkitwrongtomarryamanthatwasdeficientinsenseorinprinciple，butIshouldneverbetemptedtodoit；forIcouldnotlikehim，ifhewereeversohandsomeandeversocharminginotherrespects；Ishouldhatehim——despisehim——pityhim——anythingbutlovehim。Myaffectionsnotonlyoughttobefoundedonapprobation，buttheywillandmustbeso：forwithoutapprovingIcannotlove。ItisneedlesstosayIoughttobeabletorespectandhonourthemanImarryaswellaslovehim，forIcannotlovehimwithout。Sosetyourmindatrest。’

`Ihopeitmaybeso，’answeredshe。

`Iknowitisso，’persistedI。

`Youhavenotbeentriedyet，Helen：wecallbuthope，’saidshe，inhercold，cautiousway。

`Iwasvexedatherincredulity；butIamnotsureherdoubtswereentirelywithoutsagacity；IfearIhavefounditmucheasiertorememberheradvicethantoprofitbyit——Indeed，Ihavesometimesbeenledtoquestionthesoundnessofherdoctrinesonthosesubjects。Hercounselsmaybegood，asfarastheygo——inthemainpoints，atleast；——buttherearesomethingsshehasoverlookedinhercalculations。Iwonderifshewaseverinlove。

Icommencedmycareer——ormyfirstcampaign，asmyunclecallsit——kindlingwithbrighthopesandfancies——chieflyraisedbythisconversation——andfullofconfidenceinmyowndiscretion。Atfirst，IwasdelightedwiththenoveltyandexcitementofourLondonlife；butsoon，Ibegantowearyofitsmingledturbulenceandconstraint，andsighforthefreshnessandfreedomofhome。Mynewacquaintances，bothmaleandfemale，disappointedmyexpectations，andvexedanddepressedmebyturns；forIsoongrewtiredofstudyingtheirpeculiarities，andlaughingattheirfoibles——particularlyasIwasobligedtokeepmycriticismstomyself，formyauntwouldnothearthem——andthey——theladiesespecially——appearedsoprovokinglymindless，andheartless，andartificial。Thegentlemenseemedbetter，butperhapsitwasbecauseIknewthemless，perhapsbecausetheyflatteredme；butIdidnotfallinlovewithanyofthem，andiftheirattentionspleasedmeonemoment，theyprovokedmethenext，becausetheyputmeoutofhumourwithmyself，byrevealingmyvanityandmakingmefearIwasbecominglikesomeoftheladiesIsoheartilydespised。

Therewasoneelderlygentlemanthatannoyedmeverymuch；aricholdfriendofmyuncle’s，who，Ibelieve，thoughtIcouldnotdobetterthanmarryhim；but，besidesbeingold，hewasuglyanddisagreeable，——andwicked，Iamsure，thoughmyauntscoldedmeforsayingso；butsheallowedhewasnosaint。Andtherewasanother，lesshateful，butstillmoretiresome，becauseshefavouredhim，andwasalwaysthrustinghimuponme，andsonghispraisesinmyears，MrBoarham，byname，Bore’emasIpreferspellingit，foraterribleborehewas：Ishudderstill，attheremembranceofhisvoice，drone，drone，drone，inmyear，whilehesatbesideme，prosingawaybythehalf-hourtogether，andbeguilinghimselfwiththenotionthathewasimprovingmymindbyusefulinformation，orimpressinghisdogmasuponme，andreformingmyerrorsofjudgment，or，perhaps，thathewastalkingdowntomylevel，andamusingmewithentertainingdiscourse。Yethewasadecentmanenough，inthemain，Idaresay；andifhehadkepthisdistance，Ineverwouldhavehatedhim。Asitwas，itwasalmostimpossibletohelpit；forhenotonlybotheredmewiththeinflictionofhisownpresence，buthekeptmefromtheenjoymentofmoreagreeablesociety。

Onenight，however，ataball，hehadbeenmorethanusuallytormenting，andmypatiencewasquiteexhausted——Itappearedasifthewholeeveningwasfatedtobeinsupportable：Ihadjusthadonedancewithanempty-headedcoxcomb，andthenMrBoarhamhadcomeuponme，andseemeddeterminedtoclingtomefortherestofthenight。Heneverdancedhimself，andtherehesat，pokinghisheadinmyface，andimpressingallbeholderswiththeideathathewasaconfirmed，acknowledgedlover；myauntlookingcomplacentlyon，allthetime，andwishinghimGod-speed。InvainIattemptedtodrivehimawaybygivingaloosetomyexasperatedfeelings，eventopositiverudeness：nothingcouldconvincehimthathispresencewasdisagreeable。

Sullensilencewastakenforraptattention，andgavehimgreaterroomtotalk；sharpanswerswerereceivedassmartsalliesofgirlishvivacity，thatonlyrequiredanindulgentrebuke；andflatcontradictionswerebutasoiltotheflames，callingforthnewstrainsofargumenttosupporthisdogmas，andbringingdownuponmeendlessfloodsofreasoningtooverwhelmmewithconviction。

Buttherewasonepresentwhoseemedtohaveabetterappreciationofmyframeofmind。Agentlemanstoodby，whohadbeenwatchingourconferenceforsometime，evidentlymuchamusedatmycompanion’sremorselesspertinacityandmymanifestannoyance，andlaughingtohimselfattheasperityanduncompromisingspiritofmyreplies。Atlength，however，hewithdrew，andwenttotheladyofthehouse，apparentlyforthepurposeofaskinganintroductiontome，for，shortlyafter，theybothcameup，andsheintroducedhimasMrHuntingdon，thesonofalatefriendofmyuncle’s。Heaskedmetodance。Igladlyconsented，ofcourse；andhewasmycompanionduringtheremainderofmystay，whichwasnotlong，formyaunt，asusual，insisteduponanearlydeparture。

Iwassorrytogo，forIhadfoundmynewacquaintanceaverylivelyandentertainingcompanion。Therewasacertaingracefuleaseandfreedomaboutallhesaidanddid，thatgaveasenseofreposeandexpansiontothemind，aftersomuchconstraintandformalityasIhadbeendoomedtosuffer。Theremightbe，itistrue，alittletoomuchcarelessboldnessinhismannerandaddress，butIwasinsogoodahumour，andsogratefulformylatedeliverancefromMrBoarham，thatitdidnotangerme。

`Well，Helen，howdoyoulikeMrBoarhamnow？’saidmyaunt，aswetookourseatsinthecarriageanddroveaway。

`Worsethanever，’Ireplied。

Shelookeddispleasedbutsaidnomoreonthatsubject。

`Whowasthegentlemanyoudancedwithlast，’resumedshe，afterapause——`thatwassoofficiousinhelpingyouonwithyourshawl？’

`Hewasnotofficiousatall，aunt：heneverattemptedtohelpme，tillhesawMrBoarhamcomingtodoso；andthenhesteppedlaughinglyforwardandsaid，“Come，I’llpreserveyoufromthatinfliction。”’

`Whowasit，Iask？’saidshe，withfrigidgravity。

`ItwasMrHuntingdon，thesonofuncle’soldfriend。’

`IhaveheardyourunclespeakofyoungMrHuntingdon。I’veheardhimsay，“He’safinelad，thatyoungHuntingdon，butabitwildishIfancy。”

SoI’dhaveyoubeware。’

`Whatdoes“abitwildish“mean？’Ienquired。

`Itmeansdestituteofprinciple，andpronetoeveryvicethatiscommontoyouth。’

`ButI’veheardunclesayhewasasadwildfellowhimself，whenhewasyoung。’

Shesternlyshookherhead。

`Hewasjestingthen，Isuppose，’saidI，`andherehewasspeakingatrandom——atleast，Icannotbelievethereisanyharminthoselaughingblueeyes。’

`Falsereasoning，Helen！’saidshe，withasigh。

`Well，weoughttobecharitable，youknow，aunt——besides，Idon’tthinkitisfalse：Iamanexcellentphysiognomist，andIalwaysjudgeofpeople’scharactersbytheirlooks——notbywhethertheyarehandsomeorugly，butbythegeneralcastofthecountenance。Forinstance，Ishouldknowbyyourcountenancethatyouwerenotofacheerful，sanguinedisposition；

andIshouldknowbyMrWilmot’sthathewasaworthlessoldreprobate，andbyMrBoarham’sthathewasnotanagreeablecompanion，andbyMrHuntingdon’sthathewasneitherafoolnoraknave，though，possibly，neitherasagenorasaint——butthatisnomattertome，asIamnotlikelytomeethimagain——unlessasanoccasionalpartnerintheballroom。

Itwasnotso，however，forImethimagainnextmorning。Hecametocalluponmyuncle，apologizingfornothavingdonesobefore，bysayinghewasonlylatelyreturnedfromthecontinent，andhadnotheard，tillthepreviousnight，ofmyuncle’sarrivalintown；andafterthat，Ioftenmethim；sometimesinpublic，sometimesathome；forhewasveryassiduousinpayinghisrespectstohisoldfriend，whodidnot，however，considerhimselfgreatlyobligedbytheattention。

`Iwonderwhatthedeucetheladmeansbycomingsooften，’hewouldsay，——`canyoutell，Helen？——Hey？Hewantsnoneo’mycompany，norIhis——that’scertain。’

`Iwishyou’dtellhimso，then，’saidmyaunt。

Why，whatfor？IfIdon’twanthim，somebodydoesmayhap(winkingatme)。Besides，he’saprettytidyfortune，Peggy，youknow——notsuchacatchasWilmot，butthenHelenwon’thearofthatmatch；for，somehow，theseoldchapsdon’tgodownwiththegirls——withalltheirmoney——andtheirexperiencetoboot。I’llbetanythingshe’dratherhavethisyoungfellowwithoutapenny，thanWilmotwithhishousefullofgold——Wouldn’tyou，Nell？’

`Yes，uncle；butthat’snotsayingmuchforMrHuntingdon，forI’dratherbeanoldmaidandapauper，thanMrsWilmot。’

`AndMrsHuntingdon？batwouldyouratherbethanMrsHuntingdon？

eh？’

`I’lltellyouwhenI’veconsideredthematter。’

`Ah！itneedsconsiderationthen——Butcomenow——wouldyouratherbeanoldmaid——letalonethepauper？’

`Ican’ttelltillI’masked。’

AndIlefttheroomimmediately，toescapefurtherexamination。

Butfiveminutesafter，inlookingfrommywindow，IbeheldMrBoarhamcominguptothedoor。Iwaitednearlyhalfanhourinuncomfortablesuspense，expectingeveryminutetobecalled，andvainlylongingtohearhimgo。

Then，footstepswereheardonthestairs，andmyauntenteredtheroomwithasolemncountenance，andclosedthedoorbehindher。

`HereisMrBoarham，Helen，’saidshe。`Hewishestoseeyou。’

`Oh，aunt！Can’tyoutellhimI’mindisposed？——I’msureIam——toseehim。’

`Nonsense，mydear！thisisnotriflingmatter。Heiscomeonaveryimportanterrand——toaskyourhandinmarriage，ofyouruncleandme。’

`Ihopemyuncleandyoutoldhimitwasnotinyourpowertogiveit。Whatrighthadhetoaskanyonebeforeme？’

`Helen！’

`Whatdidmyunclesay？’

`Hesaidhewouldnotinterfereinthematter；ifyoulikedtoacceptMrBoarham’sobligingoffer，you——’

`Didhesayobligingoffer？’

`No；hesaidifyoulikedtotakehimyoumight；andifnot，youmightpleaseyourself。’

`Hesaidright；andwhatdidyousay？’

`ItisnomatterwhatIsaid。Whatwillyousay？——thatisthequestion。Heisnowwaitingtoaskyouhimself；butconsiderwellbeforeyougo；andifyouintendtorefusehim，givemeyourreasons。’

`Ishallrefusehim，ofcourse，butyoumusttellmehow，forIwanttobecivilandyetdecided——andwhenI’vegotridofhim，I’llgiveyoumyreasonsafterwards。’