第18章

`Well，Iamcometohearyourexplanation。’

`ItoldyouIwouldnotgiveit，’saidshe。`Isaidyouwereunworthyofmyconfidence。’

`Oh，verywell，’repliedI，movingtothedoor。

`Stayamoment，’saidshe。`ThisisthelasttimeIshallseeyou：don’tgojustyet。’

Iremained，awaitingherfurthercommands。

Tellme，’resumedshe，`onwhatgroundsyoubelievethesethingsagainstme；whotoldyou？andwhatdidtheysay？’

Ipausedamoment。Shemetmyeyeasunflinchinglyasifherbosomhadbeensteeledwithconsciousinnocence。Shewasresolvedtoknowtheworst，anddeterminedtodareittoo。`Icancrushthatboldspirit，’thoughtI。ButwhileIsecretlyexultedinmypower，Ifeltdisposedtodallywithmyvictimlikeacat。ShowingherthebookthatIstillheldinmyhand，andpointingtothenameontheflyleaf，butfixingmyeyeuponherface，Iasked，——

`Doyouknowthatgentleman？’

`OfcourseIdo，’repliedshe；andasuddenflushsuffusedherfeatures——whetherofshameorangerIcouldnottell：itratherresembledthelatter。`Whatnext，sir？’

`Howlongisitsinceyousawhim？’

`Whogaveyoutherighttocatechiseme，onthisoranyothersubject？’

`Oh，noone！——it’squiteatyouroptionwhethertoanswerornot——Andnow，letmeask——haveyouheardwhathaslatelybefallenthisfriendofyours？——because，ifyouhavenot——’

`Iwillnotbeinsulted，MrMarkham！’criedshe，almostinfuriatedatmymanner——`Soyouhadbetterleavethehouseatonce，ifyoucameonlyforthat。’

`Ididnotcometoinsultyou：Icametohearyourexplanation。’

`AndItellyouIwon’tgiveit！’retortedshe，pacingtheroominastateofstrongexcitement，withherhandsclaspedtightlytogether，breathingshort，andflashingfiresofindignationfromhereyes。`Iwillnotcondescendtoexplainmyselftoonethatcanmakeajestofsuchhorriblesuspicions，andbesoeasilyledtoentertainthem。’

`Idonotmakeajestofthem，MrsGraham，’returnedI，droppingatoncemytoneoftauntingsarcasm。’IheartilywishIcouldfindthemajestingmatter！Andastobeingeasilyledtosuspect，Godonlyknowswhatablind，incredulousfoolIhavehithertobeen，perseveringlyshuttingmyeyesandstoppingmyearsagainsteverythingthatthreatenedtoshakemyconfidenceinyou，tillproofitselfconfoundedmyinfatuation！’

`Whatproof，sir？’

`Well，I’lltellyou。YourememberthateveningwhenIwasherelast？’

`Ido。’

`Eventhen，youdroppedsomehintsthatmighthaveopenedtheeyesofawiserman；buttheyhadnosucheffectuponme：Iwentontrustingandbelieving，hopingagainsthope，andadoringwhereIcouldnotcomprehend——Itsohappened，however，thatafterIhadleftyou，Iturnedback——drawnbypuredepthofsympathy，andardourofaffection——notdaringtointrudemypresenceopenlyuponyou，butunabletoresistthetemptationofcatchingoneglimpsethroughthewindow，justtoseehowyouwere；forIhadleftyouapparentlyingreataffliction，andIpartlyblamedmyownwantofforbearanceanddiscretionasthecauseofit。IfIdidwrong，lovealonewasmyincentive，andthepunishmentwassevereenough；foritwasjustasIhadreachedthattree，thatyoucameoutintothegardenwithyourfriend。Notchoosingtoshowmyself，underthecircumstances，Istoodstill，intheshadow，tillyouhadbothpassedby。’

`Andhowmuchofourconversationdidyouhear？’

`Iheardquiteenough，Helen。AnditwaswellformethatIdidhearit；fornothinglesscouldhavecuredmyinfatuation。Ialwayssaidandthought，thatIwouldneverbelieveawordagainstyou，unlessIhearditfromyourownlips。AllthehintsandaffirmationsofothersItreatedasmalignant，baselessslanders；yourownself-accusationsIbelievedtobeoverstrained；andallthatseemedunaccountableinyourposition，I

trustedthatyoucouldaccountforifyouchose。’

MrsGrahamhaddiscountinuedherwalk。Sheleantagainstoneendofthechimney-piece，oppositethatnearwhichIwasstanding，withherchinrestingonherclosedhand，hereyes——nolongerburningwithanger，butgleamingwithrestlessexcitement——sometimesglancingatmewhileI

spoke，thencoursingtheoppositewall，orfixeduponthecarpet。

`Youshouldhavecometome，afterall，’saidshe，`andheardwhatIhadtosayinmyownjustification。Itwasungenerousandwrongtowithdrawyourselfsosecretlyandsuddenly，immediatelyaftersuchardentprotestationsofattachment，withouteverassigningareasonforthechange。

Youshouldhavetoldmeall——nomatterhowbitterly——Itwouldhavebeenbetterthanthissilence。’

`TowhatendshouldIhavedoneso？——Youcouldnothaveenlightenedmefarther，onthesubjectwhichaloneconcernedme；norcouldyouhavemademediscredittheevidenceofmysenses。Idesiredourintimacytobediscontinuedatonce，asyouyourselfhadacknowledgedwouldprobablybethecaseifIknewall；butIdidnotwishtoupbraidyou，——though(asyoualsoacknowledged)youhaddeeplywrongedme——Yes；youhavedonemeaninjuryyoucanneverrepair——oranyothereither——youhaveblightedthefreshnessandpromiseofyouth，andmademylifeawilderness！Imightliveahundredyears，butIcouldneverrecoverfromtheeffectsofthiswitheringblow——andneverforgetit！Hereafter——Yousmile，MrsGraham，’

saidI，suddenlystoppingshort，checkedinmypassionatedeclamationbyunutterablefeelingstobeholdheractuallysmilingatthepictureoftheruinshehadwrought。

`DidI？’repliedshe，lookingseriouslyup，`Iwasnotawareofit。IfIdid，itwasnotforpleasureatthethoughtofthehadIhaddoneyou——HeavenknowsIhavehadtormentenoughatthebarepossibilityofthat！——`itwasforjoytofindthatyouhadsomedepthofsoulandfeelingafterall，andtohopethatIhadnotbeenutterlymistakeninyourworth。

Butsmilesandtearsaresoalikewithme；theyareneitherofthemconfinedtoanyparticularfeelings：IoftencrywhenIamhappy，andsmilewhenIamsad。’

Shelookedatmeagain，andseemedtoexpectareply；butIcontinuedsilent。

`Wouldyoubeveryglad，’resumedshe，`tofindthatyouweremistakeninyourconclusions？’

`Howcanyouaskit，Helen？’

`Idon’tsayIcanclearmyselfaltogether，’saidshe，speakinglowandfast，whileherheartbeatvisiblyandherbosomheavedwithexcitement，——`butwouldyoubegladtodiscoverIwasbetterthanyouthinkme？’

`Anythingthatcould，intheleastdegree，tendtorestoremyformeropinionofyou，toexcusetheregardIstillfeelforyou，andalleviatethepangsofunutterableregretthataccompanyit，wouldbeonlytoogladly——tooeagerlyreceived！’

Hercheeksbadandherwholeframetrembled，now，withexcessofagitation。Shedidnotspeak，butflewtoherdesk，andmatchingthencewhatseemedathickalbumormanuscriptvolume，hastilytoreawayafewleavesfromtheend，andthrusttherestintomyhand，saying，`Youneedn’treaditall；buttakeithomewithyou，’——andhurriedfromtheroofButwhenIhadleftthehouse，andwasproceedingdownthewalk，sheopenedthewindowandcalledmeback。Itwasonlytosay，——

`Bringitbackwhenyouhavereadit；anddon’tbreatheawordofwhatittellsyoutoanylivingbeing——Itrusttoyourhonour。’

BeforeIcouldanswer，shehadclosedthecasementandturnedaway。Isawhercastherselfbackintheoldoakchair，andcoverherfacewithherhands。Herfeelingshadbeenwroughttoapitchthatrendereditnecessarytoseekreliefintears。

Pantingwitheagerness，andstrugglingtosuppressmyhopes，I

hurriedhome，andrushedupstairstomyroom，——havingfirstprovidedmyselfwithacandle，thoughitwasscarcelytwilightyet，——then，shutandboltedthedoor，determinedtotoleratenointerruption，andsittingdownbeforethetable，openedoutmyprizeanddeliveredmyselfuptoitsperusal——first，hastilyturningovertheleavesandsnatchingasentencehemandthere，andthen，settingmyselfsteadilytoreaditthrough。

Ihaveitnowbeforeme；andthoughyoucouldnot，ofcourse，peruseitwithhalftheinterestthatIdid，Iknowyouwouldnotbesatisfiedwithanabbreviationofitscontents，andyoushallhavethe`whole，save，perhaps，afewpassageshereandthereofmerelytemporalinteresttothewriter，orsuchaswouldservetoencumberthestoryratherthanelucidateit，Itbeginssomewhatabruptly，thus——butwewillreserveitscommencementforanotherchapter，andcallit，——

TheTenantofWildfellHall：Chapter16CHAPTER16TheWarningsofExperienceJune1st，1821——WehavejustreturnedtoStaningley——thatis，wereturnedsomedaysago，andIamnotyetsettled，andfeelasifInevershouldbe。Welefttownsoonerthanwasintended，inconsequenceofmyuncle’sindisposition——Iwonderwhatwouldhavebeentheresultifwehadstayedthefulltime。Iamquiteashamedofmynew-sprungdistasteforcountrylife。Allmyformeroccupationsseemsotediousanddull，myformeramusementssoinsipidandunprofitable。Icannotenjoymymusic，becausethereisnoonetohearit。Icannotenjoymywalks，becausethereisnoonetomeet。Icannotenjoymybooks，becausetheyhavenotpowertoarrestmyattention：myheadissohauntedwiththerecollectionsofthelastfewweeksthatIcannotattendtothem。Mydrawingsuitsmebest，forIcandrawandthinkatthesametime；andifmyproductionscannotnowbeseenbyanyonebutmyselfandthosewhodonotcareaboutthem，theypossiblymaybe，hereafter。Butthen，thereisonefaceIamalwaystryingtopaintortosketch，andalwayswithoutsuccess；andthatvexesme。Asfortheownerofthatface，Icannotgethimoutofmymind——and，indeed，Inevertry。Iwonderwhetherheeverthinksofme；andIwonderwhetherIshalleverseehimagain。Andthenmightfollowatrainofotherwonderments——questionsfortimeandfatetoanswer，concludingwith：——supposingalltherestbeansweredintheaffirmative，IwonderwhetherIshalleverrepentit——asmyauntwouldtellmeIshould，ifsheknewwhatIwasthinkingabout。

HowdistinctlyIrememberourconversationthateveningbeforeourdeparturefortown，whenweweresittingtogetheroverthefire，myunclehavinggonetobedwithaslightattackofthegout。

`Helen，’saidshe，afterathoughtfulsilence，`doyoueverthinkaboutmarriage？’

`Yes，aunt，often。’

`Anddoyouevercontemplatethepossibilityofbeingmarriedyourself，orengaged，beforetheseasonisover？’

`Sometimes；butIdon’tthinkitatalllikelythatIevershall。’`Whyso？’

`BecauseIimaginetheremustbeonlyavery，veryfewmenintheworld，thatIshouldliketomarry；andofthosefew，itistentooneImayneverbeacquaintedwithone；orifIshould，itistwentytoonehemaynothappentobesingle，ortotakeafancytome。’

`Thatisnoargumentatall。Itmaybeverytrue——andIhopeistrue，thatthereareveryfewmenwhomyouwouldchoosetomarry，ofyourself——Itisnot，indeed，tobesupposedthatyouwouldwishtomarryanyone，tillyouwereasked：agirl’saffectionsshouldneverbewonunsought。

Butwhentheyaresought——whenthecitadeloftheheartisfairlybesieged，itisapttosurrendersoonerthantheownerisawareof，andoftenagainstherbetterjudgment，andinoppositiontoallherpreconceivedideasofwhatshecouldhaveloved，unlessshebeextremelycarefulanddiscreet。

NowIwanttowarnyou，Helen，ofthesethings，andtoexhortyoutobewatchfulandcircumspectfromtheverycommencementofyourcareer，andnottosufferyourhearttobestolenfromyoubythefirstfoolishorunprincipledpersonthatcovetsthepossessionofit——Youknow，mydear，youareonlyjusteighteen；thereisplentyoftimebeforeyou，andneitheryourunclenorIareinanyhurrytogetyouoffourhands；and，Imayventuretosay，therewillbenolackofsuitors；foryoucanboastagoodfamily，aprettyconsiderablefortuneandexpectations，and，Imayaswelltellyoulikewise——forifIdon’totherswill——thatyouhaveafairshareofbeauty，besides——andIhopeyoumayneverhavecausetoregretit！——’

`Ihopenot，aunt；butwhyshould，youfearit？’

`Because，mydear，beautyisthatqualitywhich，nexttomoney，isgenerallythemostattractivetotheworstkindsofmen；and，therefore，itislikelytoentailagreatdealoftroubleonthepossessor。’

`Haveyoubeentroubledinthatway，aunt？’

`No，Helen，’saidshe，withreproachfulgravity，`butIknowmanythathave；andsome，throughcarelessness，havebeenthewretchedvictimsofdeceit；andsome，throughweakness，havefallenintosnaresandtemptationsterribletorelate’