第17章

"Andto—dayisthefirstofMay；May—day。"Harsanyileanedforward，hiselbowsonhisknees，hishandslockedbetweenthem。"Yes，Imusttalktoyouaboutsomething。

IhaveaskedMadisonBowerstoletmebringyoutohimonThursday，atyourusuallesson—time。HeisthebestvocalteacherinChicago，anditistimeyoubegantoworkseriouslywithyourvoice。"

Thea’sbrowwrinkled。"YoumeantakelessonsofBowers？"

Harsanyinodded，withoutliftinghishead。

"ButIcan’t，Mr。Harsanyi。Ihaven’tgotthetime，and，besides——"sheblushedanddrewhershouldersupstiffly——"besides，Ican’taffordtopaytwoteachers。"

Theafeltthatshehadblurtedthisoutintheworstpossi—

bleway，andsheturnedbacktothekeyboardtohideherchagrin。

"Iknowthat。Idon’tmeanthatyoushallpaytwoteachers。AfteryougotoBowersyouwillnotneedme。I

needscarcelytellyouthatIshan’tbehappyatlosingyou。"

Theaturnedtohim，hurtandangry。"ButIdon’twant

togotoBowers。Idon’twanttoleaveyou。What’sthematter？Don’tIworkhardenough？I’msureyouteachpeoplethatdon’ttryhalfashard。"

Harsanyirosetohisfeet。"Don’tmisunderstandme，MissKronborg。YouinterestmemorethananypupilI

have。Ihavebeenthinkingformonthsaboutwhatyououghttodo，sincethatnightwhenyoufirstsangforme。"

Hewalkedovertothewindow，turned，andcametowardheragain。"Ibelievethatyourvoiceisworthallthatyoucanputintoit。Ihavenotcometothisdecisionrashly。I

havestudiedyou，andIhavebecomemoreandmorecon—

vinced，againstmyowndesires。Icannotmakeasingerofyou，soitwasmybusinesstofindamanwhocould。I

haveevenconsultedTheodoreThomasaboutit。"

"ButsupposeIdon’twanttobeasinger？Iwanttostudywithyou。What’sthematter？DoyoureallythinkI’venotalent？Can’tIbeapianist？"

Harsanyipacedupanddownthelongruginfrontofher。"Mygirl，youareverytalented。Youcouldbeapianist，agoodone。Buttheearlytrainingofapianist，suchapianistasyouwouldwanttobe，mustbesomethingtremendous。Hemusthavehadnootherlifethanmusic。

Atyouragehemustbethemasterofhisinstrument。

Nothingcanevertaketheplaceofthatfirsttraining。Youknowverywellthatyourtechniqueisgood，butitisnotremarkable。Itwillneverovertakeyourintelligence。Youhaveafinepowerofwork，butyouarenotbynatureastu—

dent。Youarenotbynature，Ithink，apianist。Youwouldneverfindyourself。Intheefforttodoso，I’mafraidyourplayingwouldbecomewarped，eccentric。"

Hethrewbackhisheadandlookedathispupilintentlywiththatoneeyewhichsometimesseemedtoseedeeperthananytwoeyes，asifitssinglenessgaveitprivileges。

"Oh，Ihavewatchedyouverycarefully，MissKronborg。

Becauseyouhadhadsolittleandhadyetdonesomuchforyourself，Ihadagreatwishtohelpyou。Ibelievethatthe

strongestneedofyournatureistofindyourself，toemergeASyourself。UntilIheardyousingIwonderedhowyouweretodothis，butithasgrownclearertomeeveryday。"

Thealookedawaytowardthewindowwithhard，nar—

roweyes。"YoumeanIcanbeasingerbecauseIhaven’tbrainsenoughtobeapianist。"

"Youhavebrainsenoughandtalentenough。Buttodowhatyouwillwanttodo，ittakesmorethanthese——ittakesvocation。Now，Ithinkyouhavevocation，butforthevoice，notforthepiano。Ifyouknew，"——hestoppedandsighed，——"ifyouknewhowfortunateIsometimesthinkyou。Withthevoicethewayissomuchshorter，therewardsaremoreeasilywon。InyourvoiceIthinkNa—

tureherselfdidforyouwhatitwouldtakeyoumanyyearstodoatthepiano。Perhapsyouwerenotborninthewrongplaceafterall。Letustalkfranklynow。Wehaveneverdonesobefore，andIhaverespectedyourreticence。

Whatyouwantmorethananythingelseintheworldistobeanartist；isthattrue？"

Sheturnedherfaceawayfromhimandlookeddownatthekeyboard。Heranswercameinathickenedvoice。

"Yes，Isupposeso。"

"Whendidyoufirstfeelthatyouwantedtobeanartist？"

"Idon’tknow。Therewasalways——something。"

"Didyouneverthinkthatyouweregoingtosing？"

"Yes。"

"Howlongagowasthat？"

"Always，untilIcametoyou。Itwasyouwhomademewanttoplaypiano。"Hervoicetrembled。"Before，I

triedtothinkIdid，butIwaspretending。"

Harsanyireachedoutandcaughtthehandthatwashangingatherside。Hepresseditasiftogivehersome—

thing。"Can’tyousee，mydeargirl，thatwasonlybe—

causeIhappenedtobethefirstartistyouhaveeverknown？

IfIhadbeenatromboneplayer，itwouldhavebeenthesame；youwouldhavewantedtoplaytrombone。Butallthewhileyouhavebeenworkingwithsuchgood—will，somethinghasbeenstrugglingagainstme。See，herewewere，youandIandthisinstrument，"——hetappedthepiano，——"threegoodfriends，workingsohard。Butallthewhiletherewassomethingfightingus：yourgift，andthewomanyouweremeanttobe。Whenyoufindyourwaytothatgiftandtothatwoman，youwillbeatpeace。

Inthebeginningitwasanartistthatyouwantedtobe；

well，youmaybeanartist，always。"

Theadrewalongbreath。Herhandsfellinherlap。

"SoI’mjustwhereIbegan。Noteacher，nothingdone。

Nomoney。"

Harsanyiturnedaway。"Feelnoapprehensionaboutthemoney，MissKronborg。Comebackinthefallandweshallmanagethat。IshallevengotoMr。Thomasifneces—

sary。Thisyearwillnotbelost。Ifyoubutknewwhatanadvantagethiswinter’sstudy，allyourstudyofthepiano，willgiveyouovermostsingers。Perhapsthingshavecomeoutbetterforyouthanifwehadplannedthemknowingly。"

"YoumeantheyhaveIFIcansing。"

Theaspokewithaheavyirony，soheavy，indeed，thatitwascoarse。ItgrateduponHarsanyibecausehefeltthatitwasnotsincere，anawkwardaffectation。

Hewheeledtowardher。"MissKronborg，answermethis。YOUKNOWTHATYOUCANSING，doyounot？Youhavealwaysknownit。Whileweworkedheretogetheryousometimessaidtoyourself，`Ihavesomethingyouknownothingabout；Icouldsurpriseyou。’Isthatalsotrue？"

Theanoddedandhungherhead。

"Whywereyounotfrankwithme？DidInotdeserveit？"

Sheshuddered。Herbentshoulderstrembled。"Idon’tknow，"shemuttered。"Ididn’tmeantobelikethat。I

couldn’t。Ican’t。It’sdifferent。"

"Youmeanitisverypersonal？"heaskedkindly。

Shenodded。"Notatchurchorfunerals，orwithpeoplelikeMr。Larsen。Butwithyouitwas——personal。I’mnotlikeyouandMrs。Harsanyi。Icomeofroughpeople。

I’mrough。ButI’mindependent，too。Itwas——allIhad。

Thereisnousemytalking，Mr。Harsanyi。Ican’ttellyou。"

"Youneedn’ttellme。Iknow。Everyartistknows。"

Harsanyistoodlookingathispupil’sback，bentasifshewerepushingsomething，atherloweredhead。"Youcansingforthosepeoplebecausewiththemyoudonotcom—

mityourself。Butthereality，onecannotuncoverTHAT

untiloneissure。Onecanfailone’sself，butonemustnotlivetoseethatfail；betterneverrevealit。Letmehelpyoutomakeyourselfsureofit。ThatIcandobetterthanBowers。"

Thealiftedherfaceandthrewoutherhands。

Harsanyishookhisheadandsmiled。"Oh，promisenothing！Youwillhavemuchtodo。Therewillnotbevoiceonly，butFrench，German，Italian。Youwillhaveworkenough。Butsometimesyouwillneedtobeunder—

stood；whatyounevershowtoanyonewillneedcom—

panionship。Andthenyoumustcometome。"Hepeeredintoherfacewiththatsearching，intimateglance。"YouknowwhatImean，thethinginyouthathasnobusinesswithwhatislittle，thatwillhavetodoonlywithbeautyandpower。"

Theathrewoutherhandsfiercely，asiftopushhimaway。Shemadeasoundinherthroat，butitwasnotarticulate。Harsanyitookoneofherhandsandkisseditlightlyupontheback。Hissalutewasoneofgreeting，notoffarewell，anditwasforsomeonehehadneverseen。

WhenMrs。Harsanyicameinatsixo’clock，shefoundherhusbandsittinglistlesslybythewindow。"Tired？"

sheasked。

"Alittle。I’vejustgotthroughadifficulty。I’vesentMissKronborgaway；turnedherovertoBowers，forvoice。"

"SentMissKronborgaway？Andor，whatisthematterwithyou？"

"It’snothingrash。I’veknownforalongwhileIoughttodoit。Sheismadeforasinger，notapianist。"

Mrs。Harsanyisatdownonthepianochair。Shespokealittlebitterly："Howcanyoubesureofthat？Shewas，atleast，thebestyouhad。Ithoughtyoumeanttohaveherplayatyourstudents’recitalnextfall。Iamsureshewouldhavemadeanimpression。Icouldhavedressedhersothatshewouldhavebeenverystriking。Shehadsomuchindividuality。"

Harsanyibentforward，lookingatthefloor。"Yes，I

know。Ishallmissher，ofcourse。"

Mrs。Harsanyilookedatherhusband’sfineheadagainstthegraywindow。Shehadneverfeltdeepertendernessforhimthanshedidatthatmoment。Herheartachedforhim。"Youwillnevergeton，Andor，"shesaidmourn—

fully。

Harsanyisatmotionless。"No，Ishallnevergeton，"

herepeatedquietly。Suddenlyhesprangupwiththatlightmovementsheknewsowell，andstoodinthewindow，withfoldedarms。"ButsomedayIshallbeabletolookherinthefaceandlaughbecauseIdidwhatIcouldforher。Ibelieveinher。Shewilldonothingcommon。Sheisuncommon，inacommon，commonworld。ThatiswhatIgetoutofit。Itmeansmoretomethanifsheplayedatmyconcertandbroughtmeadozenpupils。AllthisdrudgerywillkillmeifonceinawhileIcannothopesome—

thing，forsomebody！IfIcannotsometimesseeabirdflyandwavemyhandtoit。"

Histonewasangryandinjured。Mrs。Harsanyiunder—

stoodthatthiswasoneofthetimeswhenhiswifewasapartofthedrudgery，ofthe"common，commonworld。"

Hehadletsomethinghecaredforgo，andhefeltbitterlyaboutwhateverwasleft。Themoodwouldpass，andhewouldbesorry。Sheknewhim。Itwoundedher，ofcourse，butthathurtwasnotnew。Itwasasoldasherloveforhim。Shewentoutandlefthimalone。

VIII

ONEwarmdampJunenighttheDenverExpresswasspeedingwestwardacrosstheearthy—smellingplainsofIowa。Thelightsintheday—coachwereturnedlowandtheventilatorswereopen，admittingshowersofsootanddustupontheoccupantsofthenarrowgreenplushchairswhichweretiltedatvariousanglesofdiscomfort。Ineachofthesechairssomeuncomfortablehumanbeinglaydrawnup，orstretchedout，orwrithingfromonepositiontoan—

other。Thereweretiredmeninrumpledshirts，theirnecksbareandtheirsuspendersdown；oldwomenwiththeirheadstiedupinblackhandkerchiefs；bedraggledyoungwomenwhowenttosleepwhiletheywerenursingtheirbabiesandforgottobuttonuptheirdresses；dirtyboyswhoaddedtothegeneraldiscomfortbytakingofftheirboots。Thebrakeman，whenhecamethroughatmidnight，sniffedtheheavyairdisdainfullyandlookedupattheventilators。Asheglanceddownthedoublerowsofcon—

tortedfigures，hesawonepairofeyesthatwerewideopenandbright，ayellowheadthatwasnotovercomebythestupefyingheatandsmellinthecar。"There’sagirlforyou，"hethoughtashestoppedbyThea’schair。

"Liketohavethewindowupalittle？"heasked。

Theasmiledupathim，notmisunderstandinghisfriend—

liness。"Thegirlbehindmeissick；shecan’tstandadraft。

Whattimeisit，please？"

Hetookouthisopen—facedwatchandhelditbeforehereyeswithaknowinglook。"Inahurry？"heasked。"I’llleavetheenddooropenandairyouout。Catchawink；

thetime’llgofaster。"

Theanoddedgood—nighttohimandsettledherheadbackonherpillow，lookingupattheoillamps。Shewas

goingbacktoMoonstoneforhersummervacation，andshewassittingupallnightinaday—coachbecausethatseemedsuchaneasywaytosavemoney。Atheragedis—

comfortwasasmallmatter，whenonemadefivedollarsadaybyit。Shehadconfidentlyexpectedtosleepafterthecargotquiet，butinthetwochairsbehindherwereasickgirlandhermother，andthegirlhadbeencoughingsteadilysinceteno’clock。TheyhadcomefromsomewhereinPennsylvania，andthiswastheirsecondnightontheroad。

ThemothersaidtheyweregoingtoColorado"forherdaughter’slungs。"ThedaughterwasalittleolderthanThea，perhapsnineteen，withpatientdarkeyesandcurlybrownhair。Shewasprettyinspiteofbeingsosootyandtravel—stained。Shehadputonanuglyfiguredsatinekimonooverherloosenedclothes。Thea，whensheboardedthetraininChicago，happenedtostopandplantherheavytelescopeonthisseat。Shehadnotintendedtoremainthere，butthesickgirlhadlookedupatherwithaneagersmileandsaid，"Dositthere，miss。I’dsomuchrathernothaveagentlemaninfrontofme。"

Afterthegirlbegantocoughtherewerenoemptyseatsleft，andiftherehadbeenTheacouldscarcelyhavechangedwithouthurtingherfeelings。Themotherturnedonhersideandwenttosleep；shewasusedtothecough。Butthegirllaywideawake，hereyesfixedontheroofofthecar，asThea’swere。Thetwogirlsmusthaveseenverydifferentthingsthere。

TheafelltogoingoverherwinterinChicago。Itwasonlyunderunusualoruncomfortableconditionslikethesethatshecouldkeephermindfixeduponherselforherownaffairsforanylengthoftime。Therapidmotionandthevibrationofthewheelsunderherseemedtogiveherthoughtsrapidityandclearness。ShehadtakentwentyveryexpensivelessonsfromMadisonBowers，butshedidnotyetknowwhathethoughtofherorofherability。Hewasdifferentfromanymanwithwhomshehadeverhad

todo。Withherotherteachersshehadfeltapersonalrelation；butwithhimshedidnot。Bowerswasacold，bitter，avariciousman，butheknewagreatdealaboutvoices。Heworkedwithavoiceasifhewereinalabora—

tory，conductingaseriesofexperiments。Hewasconscien—

tiousandindustrious，evencapableofacertaincoldfurywhenhewasworkingwithaninterestingvoice，butHar—

sanyideclaredthathehadthesoulofashrimp，andcouldnomoremakeanartistthanathroatspecialistcould。

Thearealizedthathehadtaughtheragreatdealintwentylessons。

AlthoughshecaredsomuchlessforBowersthanforHarsanyi，Theawas，onthewhole，happiersinceshehadbeenstudyingwithhimthanshehadbeenbefore。Shehadalwaystoldherselfthatshestudiedpianotofither—

selftobeamusicteacher。Butsheneveraskedherselfwhyshewasstudyingvoice。Hervoice，morethananyotherpartofher，hadtodowiththatconfidence，thatsenseofwholenessandinnerwell—beingthatshehadfeltatmo—

mentseversinceshecouldremember。

OfthisfeelingTheahadneverspokentoanyhumanbeinguntilthatdaywhenshetoldHarsanyithat"therehadalwaysbeen——something。"Hithertoshehadfeltbutoneobligationtowardit——secrecy；toprotectitevenfromherself。Shehadalwaysbelievedthatbydoingallthatwasrequiredofherbyherfamily，herteachers，herpupils，shekeptthatpartofherselffrombeingcaughtupinthemeshesofcommonthings。Shetookitforgrantedthatsomeday，whenshewasolder，shewouldknowagreatdealmoreaboutit。Itwasasifshehadanappoint—

menttomeettherestofherselfsometime，somewhere。

Itwasmovingtomeetherandshewasmovingtomeetit。Thatmeetingawaitedher，justassurelyas，forthepoorgirlintheseatbehindher，thereawaitedaholeintheearth，alreadydug。

ForThea，somuchhadbegunwithaholeintheearth。

Yes，shereflected，thisnewpartofherlifehadallbegunthatmorningwhenshesatontheclaybankbesideRayKen—

nedy，undertheflickeringshadeofthecottonwoodtree。

SherememberedthewayRayhadlookedatherthatmorning。Whyhadhecaredsomuch？AndWunsch，andDr。Archie，andSpanishJohnny，whyhadthey？Itwassomethingthathadtodowithherthatmadethemcare，butitwasnotshe。Itwassomethingtheybelievedin，butitwasnotshe。Perhapseachofthemconcealedanotherpersoninhimself，justasshedid。Whywasitthattheyseemedtofeelandtohuntforasecondpersoninherandnotineachother？Theafrownedupatthedulllampintheroofofthecar。Whatifone’ssecondselfcouldsome—

howspeaktoallthesesecondselves？Whatifonecouldbringthemout，aswhiskeydidSpanishJohnny’s？Howdeeptheylay，thesesecondpersons，andhowlittleoneknewaboutthem，excepttoguardthemfiercely。Itwastomusic，morethantoanythingelse，thatthesehiddenthingsinpeopleresponded。Hermother——evenhermo—

therhadsomethingofthatsortwhichrepliedtomusic。

Theafoundherselflisteningforthecoughingbehindherandnothearingit。Sheturnedcautiouslyandlookedbackoverthehead—restofherchair。Thepoorgirlhadfallenasleep。Thealookedatherintently。Whywasshesoafraidofmen？Whydidsheshrinkintoherselfandavertherfacewheneveramanpassedherchair？Theathoughtsheknew；ofcourse，sheknew。Howhorribletowasteawaylikethat，inthetimewhenoneoughttobegrowingfullerandstrongerandroundereveryday。Supposethereweresuchadarkholeopenforher，betweento—nightandthatplacewhereshewastomeetherself？Hereyesnar—

rowed。Sheputherhandonherbreastandfelthowwarmitwas；andwithinittherewasafull，powerfulpulsation。Shesmiled——thoughshewasashamedofit——withthenaturalcontemptofstrengthforweakness，withthesenseofphysicalsecuritywhichmakesthesavage

merciless。Nobodycoulddiewhiletheyfeltlikethatin—

side。Thespringstherewerewoundsotightthatitwouldbealongwhilebeforetherewasanyslackinthem。Thelifeintherewasrooteddeep。Shewasgoingtohaveafewthingsbeforeshedied。Sherealizedthattherewereagreatmanytrainsdashingeastandwestonthefaceofthecon—

tinentthatnight，andthattheyallcarriedyoungpeoplewhomeanttohavethings。ButthedifferencewasthatSHEWASGOINGTOGETTHEM！Thatwasall。Letpeopletrytostopher！Shegloweredattherowsoffecklessbodiesthatlaysprawledinthechairs。Letthemtryitonce！Alongwiththeyearningthatcamefromsomedeeppartofher，thatwasselflessandexalted，Theahadahardkindofcockiness，adeterminationtogetahead。Well，therearepassagesinlifewhenthatfierce，stubbornself—assertionwillstanditsgroundafterthenoblerfeelingisover—

whelmedandbeatenunder。

Havingtoldherselfoncemorethatshemeanttograbafewthings，Theawenttosleep。

Shewaswakenedinthemorningbythesunlight，whichbeatfiercelythroughtheglassofthecarwindowuponherface。Shemadeherselfascleanasshecould，andwhilethepeopleallaboutherweregettingcoldfoodoutoftheirlunch—basketssheescapedintothedining—car。Herthriftdidnotgotothepointofenablinghertocarryalunch—

basket。Atthatearlyhourtherewerefewpeopleinthedining—car。Thelinenwaswhiteandfresh，thedarkiesweretrimandsmiling，andthesunlightgleamedpleasantlyuponthesilverandtheglasswater—bottles。Oneachtabletherewasaslendervasewithasinglepinkroseinit。WhenTheasatdownshelookedintoherroseandthoughtitthemostbeautifulthingintheworld；itwaswideopen，recklesslyofferingitsyellowheart，andthereweredropsofwateronthepetals。Allthefuturewasinthatrose，allthatonewouldliketobe。Theflowerputherinanabsolutelyregalmood。Shehadawholepotofcoffee，andscrambledeggs

withchoppedham，utterlydisregardingtheastonishingpricetheycost。Shehadfaithenoughinwhatshecoulddo，shetoldherself，tohaveeggsifshewantedthem。Atthetableoppositehersatamanandhiswifeandlittleboy——Theaclassifiedthemasbeing"fromtheEast。"Theyspokeinthatquick，surestaccato，whichThea，likeRayKennedy，pretendedtoscornandsecretlyadmired。Peo—

plewhocouldusewordsinthatconfidentway，andwhospokethemelegantly，hadagreatadvantageinlife，shereflected。Thereweresomanywordswhichshecouldnotpronounceinspeechasshehadtodoinsinging。Lan—

guagewaslikeclothes；itcouldbeahelptoone，oritcouldgiveoneaway。Butthemostimportantthingwasthatoneshouldnotpretendtobewhatonewasnot。

Whenshepaidherchecksheconsultedthewaiter。

"Waiter，doyousupposeIcouldbuyoneofthoseroses？

I’moutoftheday—coach，andthereisasickgirlinthere。

I’dliketotakeheracupofcoffeeandoneofthoseflowers。"

Thewaiterlikednothingbetterthanadvisingtravelerslesssophisticatedthanhimself。HetoldTheatherewereafewrosesleftintheiceboxandhewouldgetone。Hetooktheflowerandthecoffeeintotheday—coach。Theapointedoutthegirl，butshedidnotaccompanyhim。Shehatedthanksandneverreceivedthemgracefully。Shestoodoutsideontheplatformtogetsomefreshairintoherlungs。ThetrainwascrossingthePlatteRivernow，andthesunlightwassointensethatitseemedtoquiverinlittleflamesontheglitteringsandbars，thescrubwil—

lows，andthecurling，frettedshallows。

Theafeltthatshewascomingbacktoherownland。

ShehadoftenheardMrs。Kronborgsaythatshe"believedinimmigration，"andsodidTheabelieveinit。Thisearthseemedtoheryoungandfreshandkindly，aplacewhererefugeesfromold，sadcountriesweregivenanotherchance。

Themereabsenceofrocksgavethesoilakindofamia—

bilityandgenerosity，andtheabsenceofnaturalbound—

ariesgavethespiritawiderrange。Wirefencesmightmarktheendofaman’spasture，buttheycouldnotshutinhisthoughtsasmountainsandforestscan。Itwasoverflatlandslikethis，stretchingouttodrinkthesun，thatthelarkssang——andone’sheartsangthere，too。Theawasgladthatthiswashercountry，evenifonedidnotlearntospeakelegantlythere。Itwas，somehow，anhonestcoun—

try，andtherewasanewsonginthatblueairwhichhadneverbeensungintheworldbefore。Itwashardtotellaboutit，forithadnothingtodowithwords；itwaslikethelightofthedesertatnoon，orthesmellofthesagebrushafterrain；intangiblebutpowerful。Shehadthesenseofgoingbacktoafriendlysoil，whosefriendshipwassome—

howgoingtostrengthenher；anaive，generouscountrythatgaveoneitsjoyousforce，itslarge—hearted，childlikepowertolove，justasitgaveoneitscoarse，brilliantflowers。

AsshedrewinthatgloriousairThea’smindwentbacktoRayKennedy。He，too，hadthatfeelingofempire；asifalltheSouthwestreallybelongedtohimbecausehehadknockedaboutoveritsomuch，andknewit，ashesaid，"liketheblistersonhisownhands。"Thatfeeling，shereflected，wastherealelementofcompanionshipbetweenherandRay。NowthatshewasgoingbacktoColorado，sherealizedthisasshehadnotdonebefore。