第16章
TheAlpinelitterissometimeslikeacushionedboxmadefastbetweenthemiddlesoftwolongpoles，andsometimesitisachairwithabacktoitandasupportforthefeet。Itiscarriedbyrelaysofstrongporters。
Themotioniseasierthanthatofanyotherconveyance。
Wemetafewmenandagreatmanyladiesinlitters；
itseemedtomethatmostoftheladieslookedpaleandnauseated；theirgeneralaspectgavemetheideathattheywerepatientlyenduringahorriblesuffering。
Asarule，theylookedattheirlaps，andleftthescenerytotakecareofitself。
ButthemostfrightenedcreatureIsaw，wasaledhorsethatovertookus。Poorfellow，hehadbeenbornandrearedinthegrassylevelsoftheKanderstegvalleyandhadneverseenanythinglikethishideousplacebefore。
Everyfewstepshewouldstopshort，glancewildlyoutfromthedizzyheight，andthenspreadhisrednostrilswideandpantasviolentlyasifhehadbeenrunningarace；
andallthewhilehequakedfromheadtoheelaswithapalsy。Hewasahandsomefellow，andhemadeafinestatuesquepictureofterror，butitwaspitifultoseehimsufferso。
Thisdreadfulpathhashaditstragedy。Baedeker，withhiscustomaryoverterseness，beginsandendsthetalethus:
"Thedescentonhorsebackshouldbeavoided。
In1861aComtessed"Herlincourtfellfromhersaddleovertheprecipiceandwaskilledonthespot。"
Welookedovertheprecipicethere，andsawthemonumentwhichcommemoratestheevent。Itstandsinthebottomofthegorge，inaplacewhichhasbeenhollowedoutoftherocktoprotectitfromthetorrentandthestorms。
Ouroldguideneverspokebutwhenspokento，andthenlimitedhimselftoasyllableortwo，butwhenweaskedhimaboutthistragedyheshowedastronginterestinthematter。HesaidtheCountesswasverypretty，andveryyoung——hardlyoutofhergirlhood，infact。
Shewasnewlymarried，andwasonherbridaltour。
Theyounghusbandwasridingalittleinadvance；oneguidewasleadingthehusband"shorse，anotherwasleadingthebride"s。
Theoldmancontinued:
"Theguidethatwasleadingthehusband"shorsehappenedtoglanceback，andtherewasthatpooryoungthingsittingupstaringoutovertheprecipice；andherfacebegantobenddownwardalittle，andsheputuphertwohandsslowlyandmetit——so，——andputthemflatagainsthereyes——so——andthenshesankoutofthesaddle，withasharpshriek，andonecaughtonlytheflashofadress，anditwasallover。"
Thenafterapause:
"Ah，yes，thatguidesawthesethings——yes，hesawthemall。
Hesawthemall，justasIhavetoldyou。"
Afteranotherpause:
"Ah，yes，hesawthemall。MyGod，thatwasME。
Iwasthatguide!"
Thishadbeentheoneeventoftheoldman"slife；soonemaybesurehehadforgottennodetailconnectedwithit。
Welistenedtoallhehadtosayaboutwhatwasdoneandwhathappenedandwhatwassaidafterthesorrowfuloccurrence，andapainfulstoryitwas。
Whenwehadwounddowntowardthevalleyuntilwewereaboutonthelastspiralofthecorkscrew，Harris"shatblewoverthelastremainingbitofprecipice——asmallcliffahundredorhundredandfiftyfeethigh——andsaileddowntowardasteepslantcomposedofroughchipsandfragmentswhichtheweatherhadflakedawayfromtheprecipices。
Wewentleisurelydownthere，expectingtofinditwithoutanytrouble，butwehadmadeamistake，astothat。
Wehuntedduringacoupleofhours——notbecausetheoldstrawhatwasvaluable，butoutofcuriositytofindouthowsuchathingcouldmanagetoconcealitselfinopengroundwheretherewasnothingleftforittohidebehind。
Whenoneisreadinginbed，andlayshispaper-knifedown，hecannotfinditagainifitissmallerthanasaber；
thathatwasasstubbornasanypaper-knifecouldhavebeen，andwefinallyhadtogiveitup；butwefoundafragmentthathadoncebelongedtoanopera-glass，andbydiggingaroundandturningovertherockswegraduallycollectedallthelensesandthecylindersandthevariousoddsandendsthatgotomakingupacompleteopera-glass。
Weafterwardhadthethingreconstructed，andtheownercanhavehisadventurouslost-propertybysubmittingproofsandpayingcostsofrehabilitation。Wehadhopesoffindingtheownerthere，distributedaroundamongsttherocks，foritwouldhavemadeanelegantparagraph；
butweweredisappointed。Still，wewerefarfrombeingdisheartened，fortherewasaconsiderableareawhichwehadnotthoroughlysearched；weweresatisfiedhewasthere，somewhere，soweresolvedtowaitoveradayatLeukandcomebackandgethim。
Thenwesatdowntopolishofftheperspirationandarrangeaboutwhatwewoulddowithhimwhenwegothim。
HarriswasforcontributinghimtotheBritishMuseum；
butIwasformailinghimtohiswidow。ThatisthedifferencebetweenHarrisandme:Harrisisallfordisplay，Iamallforthesimpleright，eventhoughIlosemoneybyit。
Harrisarguedinfavorofhispropositionagainstmine，Iarguedinfavorofmineandagainsthis。Thediscussionwarmedintoadispute；thedisputewarmedintoaquarrel。
Ifinallysaid，verydecidedly:
"Mymindismadeup。Hegoestothewidow。"
Harrisansweredsharply:
"AndMYmindismadeup。HegoestotheMuseum。"
Isaid，calmly:
"Themuseummaywhistlewhenitgetshim。"
Harrisretorted:
"Thewidowmaysaveherselfthetroubleofwhistling，forIwillseethatshenevergetshim。"
Aftersomeangrybandyingofepithets，Isaid:
"Itseemstomethatyouaretakingonagoodmanyairsabouttheseremains。Idon"tquiteseewhatYOU"VEgottosayaboutthem?"
"I?I"vegotALLtosayaboutthem。They"dneverhavebeenthoughtofifIhadn"tfoundtheiropera-glass。Thecorpsebelongstome，andI"lldoasIpleasewithhim。"
IwasleaderoftheExpedition，andalldiscoveriesachievedbyitnaturallybelongedtome。Iwasentitledtotheseremains，andcouldhaveenforcedmyright；
butratherthanhavebadbloodaboutthematter，Isaidwewouldtossupforthem。Ithrewheadsandwon，butitwasabarrenvictory，foralthoughwespentallthenextdaysearching，weneverfoundabone。Icannotimaginewhatcouldeverhavebecomeofthatfellow。
ThetowninthevalleyiscalledLeukorLeukerbad。
Wepointedourcoursetowardit，downaverdantslopewhichwasadornedwithfringedgentiansandotherflowers，andpresentlyenteredthenarrowalleysoftheoutskirtsandwadedtowardthemiddleofthetownthroughliquid"fertilizer。"Theyoughttoeitherpavethatvillageororganizeaferry。
Harris"sbodywassimplyachamois-pasture；hispersonwaspopulouswiththelittlehungrypests；hisskin，whenhestripped，wassplotchedlikeascarlet-feverpatient"s；
so，whenwewereabouttoenteroneoftheLeukerbadinns，andhenoticeditssign，"ChamoisHotel，"herefusedtostopthere。Hesaidthechamoiswasplentifulenough，withouthuntinguphotelswheretheymadeaspecialtyofit。
Iwasindifferent，forthechamoisisacreaturethatwillneitherbitemenorabidewithme；buttocalmHarris，wewenttotheHo^teldesAlpes。
Atthetabled"ho^te，wehadthis，foranincident。
Averygraveman——infacthisgravityamountedtosolemnity，andalmosttoausterity——satoppositeusandhewas"tight，"butdoinghisbesttoappearsober。HetookupaCORKEDbottleofwine，tilteditoverhisglassawhile，thensetitoutoftheway，withacontentedlook，andwentonwithhisdinner。
Presentlyheputhisglasstohismouth，andofcoursefounditempty。Helookedpuzzled，andglancedfurtivelyandsuspiciouslyoutofthecornerofhiseyeatabenignantandunconsciousoldladywhosatathisright。
Shookhishead，asmuchastosay，"No，shecouldn"thavedoneit。"Hetiltedthecorkedbottleoverhisglassagain，meantimesearchingaroundwithhiswateryeyetoseeifanybodywaswatchinghim。Heateafewmouthfuls，raisedhisglasstohislips，andofcourseitwasstillempty。Hebentaninjuredandaccusingside-glanceuponthatunconsciousoldlady，whichwasastudytosee。
Shewentoneatingandgavenosign。Hetookuphisglassandhisbottle，withawiseprivatenodofhishead，andsetthemgravelyontheleft-handsideofhisplate——
pouredhimselfanotherimaginarydrink——wenttoworkwithhisknifeandforkoncemore——presentlyliftedhisglasswithgoodconfidence，andfounditempty，asusual。
Thiswasalmostapetrifyingsurprise。Hestraightenedhimselfupinhischairanddeliberatelyandsorrowfullyinspectedthebusyoldladiesathiselbows，firstoneandthentheother。Atlasthesoftlypushedhisplateaway，sethisglassdirectlyinfrontofhim，heldontoitwithhislefthand，andproceededtopourwithhisright。
Thistimeheobservedthatnothingcame。Heturnedthebottleclearupsidedown；stillnothingissuedfromit；
aplaintivelookcameintohisface，andhesaid，asiftohimself，""IC!THEY"VEGOTITALL!"Thenhesetthebottledown，resignedly，andtooktherestofhisdinnerdry。
Itwasatthattabled"ho^te，too，thatIhadunderinspectionthelargestladyIhaveeverseeninprivatelife。
Shewasoversevenfeethigh，andmagnificentlyproportioned。
Whathadfirstcalledmyattentiontoher，wasmysteppingonanoutlyingflangeofherfoot，andhearing，fromuptowardtheceiling，adeep"Pardon，m"sieu，butyouencroach!"
Thatwaswhenwewerecomingthroughthehall，andtheplacewasdim，andIcouldseeheronlyvaguely。Thethingwhichcalledmyattentiontoherthesecondtimewas，thatatatablebeyondoursweretwoveryprettygirls，andthisgreatladycameinandsatdownbetweenthemandmeandblottedoutmyview。Shehadahandsomeface，andshewasveryfinelyformed——perfectedformed，Ishouldsay。Butshemadeeverybodyaroundherlooktrivialandcommonplace。Ladiesnearherlookedlikechildren，andthemenaboutherlookedmean。Theylookedlikefailures；
andtheylookedasiftheyfeltso，too。Shesatwithherbacktous。Ineversawsuchabackinmylife。
Iwouldhavesolikedtoseethemoonriseoverit。
Thewholecongregationwaited，underonepretextoranother，tillshefinishedherdinnerandwentout；theywantedtoseeheratfullaltitude，andtheyfounditworthtarryingfor。
Shefilledone"sideaofwhatanempressoughttobe，whensheroseupinherunapproachablegrandeurandmovedsuperblyoutofthatplace。
WewerenotatLeukintimetoseeheratherheaviestweight。
Shehadsufferedfromcorpulenceandhadcometheretogetridofherextrafleshinthebaths。Fiveweeksofsoaking——
fiveuninterruptedhoursofiteveryday——hadaccomplishedherpurposeandreducedhertotherightproportions。
Thosebathsremovefat，andalsoskin-diseases。Thepatientsremaininthegreattanksforhoursatatime。
Adozengentlemenandladiesoccupyatanktogether，andamusethemselveswithrompingsandvariousgames。
Theyhavefloatingdesksandtables，andtheyreadorlunchorplaychessinwaterthatisbreast-deep。Thetouristcanstepinandviewthisnovelspectacleifhechooses。
There"sapoor-box，andhewillhavetocontribute。
Thereareseveralofthesebigbathing-houses，andyoucanalwaystellwhenyouarenearoneofthembytherompingnoisesandshoutsoflaughterthatproceedfromit。
Thewaterisrunningwater，andchangesallthetime，elseapatientwitharingwormmighttakethebathwithonlyapartialsuccess，since，whilehewasriddinghimselfoftheringworm，hemightcatchtheitch。
Thenextmorningwewanderedbackupthegreenvalley，leisurely，withthecurvingwallsofthosebareandstupendousprecipicesrisingintothecloudsbeforeus。
Ihadneverseenaclean，bareprecipicestretchingupfivethousandfeetabovemebefore，andInevershallexpecttoseeanotherone。Theyexist，perhaps，butnotinplaceswhereonecaneasilygetclosetothem。
Thispileofstoneispeculiar。Fromitsbasetothesoaringtopsofitsmightytowers，allitslinesandallitsdetailsvaguelysuggesthumanarchitecture。
Therearerudimentarybow-windows，cornices，chimneys，demarcationsofstories，etc。Onecouldsitandstareupthereandstudythefeaturesandexquisitegracesofthisgrandstructure，bitbybit，anddayafterday，andneverwearyhisinterest。Thetermination，towardthetown，observedinprofile，istheperfectionofshape。
Itcomesdownoutofthecloudsinasuccessionofrounded，colossal，terracelikeprojections——astairwayforthegods；
atitsheadspringseveralloftystorm-scarredtowers，oneafteranother，withfaintfilmsofvaporcurlingalwaysaboutthemlikespectralbanners。Iftherewereakingwhoserealmsincludedthewholeworld，herewouldbetheplacemeetandproperforsuchamonarch。Hewouldonlyneedtohollowitoutandputintheelectriclight。
Hecouldgiveaudiencetoanationatatimeunderitsroof。
Oursearchforthoseremainshavingfailed，weinspectedwithaglassthedimanddistanttrackofanold-timeavalanchethatoncesweptdownfromsomepine-grownsummitsbehindthetownandsweptawaythehousesandburiedthepeople；
thenwestruckdowntheroadthatleadstowardtheRhone，toseethefamousLadders。Theseperilousthingsarebuiltagainsttheperpendicularfaceofaclifftwoorthreehundredfeethigh。Thepeasants，ofbothsexes，wereclimbingupanddownthem，withheavyloadsontheirbacks。IorderedHarristomaketheascent，soI
couldputthethrillandhorrorofitinmybook，andheaccomplishedthefeatsuccessfully，thoughasubagent，forthreefrancs，whichIpaid。ItmakesmeshudderyetwhenIthinkofwhatIfeltwhenIwasclingingtherebetweenheavenandearthinthepersonofthatproxy。
Attimestheworldswamaroundme，andIcouldhardlykeepfromlettinggo，sodizzyingwastheappallingdanger。
Manyapersonwouldhavegivenupanddescended，butIstucktomytask，andwouldnotyielduntilIhadaccomplishedit。
Ifeltajustprideinmyexploit，butIwouldnothaverepeateditforthewealthoftheworld。Ishallbreakmyneckyetwithsomesuchfoolhardyperformance，forwarningsneverseemtohaveanylastingeffectonme。
WhenthepeopleofthehotelfoundthatIhadbeenclimbingthosecrazyLadders，itmademeanobjectofconsiderableattention。
Nextmorning，early，wedrovetotheRhonevalleyandtookthetrainforVisp。Thereweshoulderedourknapsacksandthings，andsetoutonfoot，inatremendousrain，upthewindinggorge，towardZermatt。Hourafterhourwesloppedalong，bytheroaringtorrent，andundernobleLesserAlpswhichwereclothedinrichvelvetygreenallthewayupandhadlittleatomySwisshomesperchedupongrassybenchesalongtheirmist-dimmedheights。
Theraincontinuedtopourandthetorrenttoboom，andwecontinuedtoenjoyboth。Attheonespotwherethistorrenttosseditswhitemanehighest，andthunderedloudest，andlashedthebigbouldersfiercest，thecantonhaddoneitselfthehonortobuildtheflimsiestwoodenbridgethatexistsintheworld。Whilewewerewalkingoverit，alongwithapartyofhorsemen，Inoticedthateventhelargerraindropsmadeitshake。IcalledHarris"sattentiontoit，andhenoticedit，too。ItseemedtomethatifIownedanelephantthatwasakeepsake，andIthoughtagooddealofhim，IwouldthinktwicebeforeIwouldridehimoverthatbridge。
WeclimbeduptothevillageofSt。Nicholas，abouthalfpastfourintheafternoon，wadedankle-deepthroughthefertilizer-juice，andstoppedatanewandnicehotelclosebythelittlechurch。Westrippedandwenttobed，andsentourclothesdowntobebaked。Andthehordeofsoakedtouristsdidthesame。Thatchaosofclothinggotmixedinthekitchen，andtherewereconsequences。
IdidnotgetbackthesamedrawersIsentdown，whenourthingscameupatsix-fifteen；Igotapaironanewplan。
Theyweremerelyapairofwhiteruffle-cuffedabsurdities，hitchedtogetheratthetopwithanarrowband，andtheydidnotcomequitedowntomyknees。Theywereprettyenough，buttheymademefeelliketwopeople，anddisconnectedatthat。Themanmusthavebeenanidiotthatgothimselfuplikethat，toroughitintheSwissmountains。
Theshirttheybroughtmewasshorterthanthedrawers，andhadn"tanysleevestoit——atleastithadn"tanythingmorethanwhatMr。Darwinwouldcall"rudimentary"sleeves；
thesehad"edging"aroundthem，butthebosomwasridiculouslyplain。Theknitsilkundershirttheybroughtmewasonanewplan，andwasreallyasensiblething；
itopenedbehind，andhadpocketsinittoputyourshoulder-bladesin；buttheydidnotseemtofitmine，andsoIfounditasortofuncomfortablegarment。
Theygavemybobtailcoattosomebodyelse，andsentmeanulstersuitableforagiraffe。Ihadtotiemycollaron，becausetherewasnobuttonbehindonthatfoolishlittleshirtwhichIdescribedawhileago。
WhenIwasdressedfordinneratsix-thirty，Iwastoolooseinsomeplacesandtootightinothers，andaltogetherI
feltslovenlyandill-conditioned。However，thepeopleatthetabled"ho^tewerenobetteroffthanIwas；
theyhadeverybody"sclothesbuttheirownon。Alongstrangerrecognizedhisulsterassoonashesawthetailofitfollowingmein，butnobodyclaimedmyshirtormydrawers，thoughIdescribedthemaswellasIwasable。
IgavethemtothechambermaidthatnightwhenIwenttobed，andsheprobablyfoundtheowner，formyownthingswereonachairoutsidemydoorinthemorning。
TherewasalovableEnglishclergymanwhodidnotgettothetabled"ho^teatall。Hisbreecheshadturnedupmissing，andwithoutanyequivalent。
Hesaidhewasnotmoreparticularthanotherpeople，buthehadnoticedthataclergymanatdinnerwithoutanybreecheswasalmostsuretoexciteremark。
[TheFiendishFunofAlp-climbing]
WedidnotoversleepatSt。Nicholas。Thechurch-bellbegantoringatfour-thirtyinthemorning，andfromthelengthoftimeitcontinuedtoringIjudgedthatittakestheSwisssinneragoodwhiletogettheinvitationthroughhishead。Mostchurch-bellsintheworldareofpoorquality，andhaveaharshandraspingsoundwhichupsetsthetemperandproducesmuchsin，buttheSt。Nicholasbellisagooddealtheworstonethathasbeencontrivedyet，andispeculiarlymaddeninginitsoperation。Still，itmayhaveitsrightanditsexcusetoexist，forthecommunityispoorandnoteverycitizencanaffordaclock，perhaps；buttherecannotbeanyexcuseforourchurch-bellsathome，fortheirisnofamilyinAmericawithoutaclock，andconsequentlythereisnofairpretextfortheusualSundaymedleyofdreadfulsoundsthatissuesfromoursteeples。ThereismuchmoreprofanityinAmericaonSundaythanisallintheothersixdaysoftheweekputtogether，anditisofamorebitterandmalignantcharacterthantheweek-dayprofanity，too。
Itisproducedbythecracked-potclangorofthecheapchurch-bells。
Webuildourchurchesalmostwithoutregardtocost；
werearanedificewhichisanadornmenttothetown，andwegildit，andfrescoit，andmortgageit，anddoeverythingwecanthinkoftoperfectit，andthenspoilitallbyputtingabellonitwhichafflictseverybodywhohearsit，givingsometheheadache，othersSt。Vitus"sdance，andtheresttheblindstaggers。
AnAmericanvillageatteno"clockonasummerSundayisthequietestandpeacefulestandholiestthinginnature；
butitisaprettydifferentthinghalfanhourlater。
Mr。Poe"spoemofthe"Bells"standsincompletetothisday；
butitiswellenoughthatitisso，forthepublicreciteror"reader"whogoesaroundtryingtoimitatethesoundsofthevarioussortsofbellswithhisvoicewouldfindhimself"upastump"whenhegottothechurch-bell——
asJosephAddisonwouldsay。Thechurchisalwaystryingtogetotherpeopletoreform；itmightnotbeabadideatoreformitselfalittle，bywayofexample。Itisstillclingingtooneortwothingswhichwereusefulonce，butwhicharenotusefulnow，neitheraretheyornamental。
Oneisthebell-ringingtoremindaclock-cakedtownthatitischurch-time，andanotheristhereadingfromthepulpitofatediouslistof"notices"whicheverybodywhoisinterestedhasalreadyreadinthenewspaper。
Theclergymanevenreadsthehymnthrough——arelicofanancienttimewhenhymn-booksarescarceandcostly；
buteverybodyhasahymn-book，now，andsothepublicreadingisnolongernecessary。Itisnotmerelyunnecessary，itisgenerallypainful；fortheaverageclergymancouldnotfireintohiscongregationwithashotgunandhitaworsereaderthanhimself，unlesstheweaponscatteredshamefully。
Iamnotmeaningtobeflippantandirreverent，Iamonlymeaningtobetruthful。Theaverageclergyman，inallcountriesandofalldenominations，isaverybadreader。
OnewouldthinkhewouldatleastlearnhowtoreadtheLord"sPrayer，byandby，butitisnotso。Heracesthroughitasifhethoughtthequickerhegotitin，thesooneritwouldbeanswered。Apersonwhodoesnotappreciatetheexceedingvalueofpauses，anddoesnotknowhowtomeasuretheirdurationjudiciously，cannotrenderthegrandsimplicityanddignityofacompositionlikethateffectively。
Wetookatolerablyearlybreakfast，andtrampedofftowardZermattthroughthereekinglanesofthevillage，gladtogetawayfromthatbell。Byandbywehadafinespectacleonourright。Itwasthewall-likebuttendofahugeglacier，whichlookeddownonusfromanAlpineheightwhichwaswellupinthebluesky。Itwasanastonishingamountoficetobecompactedtogetherinonemass。
Weciphereduponitanddecidedthatitwasnotlessthanseveralhundredfeetfromthebaseofthewallofsolidicetothetopofit——Harrisbelieveditwasreallytwicethat。WejudgedthatifSt。Paul"s，St。Peter"s，theGreatPyramid，theStrasburgCathedralandtheCapitolinWashingtonwereclusteredagainstthatwall，amansittingonitsupperedgecouldnothanghishatonthetopofanyoneofthemwithoutreachingdownthreeorfourhundredfeet——athingwhich，ofcourse，nomancoulddo。
Tome，thatmightyglacierwasverybeautiful。Ididnotimaginethatanybodycouldfindfaultwithit；butI
wasmistaken。Harrishadbeensnarlingforseveraldays。
HewasarabidProtestant，andhewasalwayssaying:
"IntheProtestantcantonsyouneverseesuchpovertyanddirtandsqualorasyoudointhisCatholicone；
youneverseethelanesandalleysflowingwithfoulness；
youneverseesuchwretchedlittlestiesofhouses；
youneverseeaninvertedtinturnipontopofachurchforadome；andasforachurch-bell，why，youneverhearachurch-bellatall。"
Allthismorninghehadbeenfindingfault，straightalong。
Firstitwaswiththemud。Hesaid，"Itain"tmuddyinaProtestantcantonwhenitrains。"Thenitwaswiththedogs:
"Theydon"thavethoselop-eareddogsinaProtestantcanton。"
Thenitwaswiththeroads:"Theydon"tleavetheroadstomakethemselvesinaProtestantcanton，thepeoplemakethem——andtheymakearoadthatISaroad，too。"Nextitwasthegoats:"YouneverseeagoatsheddingtearsinaProtestantcanton——agoat，there，isoneofthecheerfulestobjectsinnature。"Nextitwasthechamois:
"YouneverseeaProtestantchamoisactlikeoneofthese——
theytakeabiteortwoandgo；butthesefellowscampwithyouandstay。"Thenitwastheguide-boards:"InaProtestantcantonyoucouldn"tgetlostifyouwantedto，butyouneverseeaguide-boardinaCatholiccanton。"
Next，"Youneverseeanyflower-boxesinthewindows，here——neveranythingbutnowandthenacat——atorpidone；
butyoutakeaProtestantcanton:windowsperfectlylovelywithflowers——andasforcats，there"sjustacresofthem。
Thesefolksinthiscantonleavearoadtomakeitself，andthenfineyouthreefrancsifyou"trot"overit——
asifahorsecouldtrotoversuchasarcasmofaroad。"
Nextaboutthegoiter:"THEYtalkaboutgoiter!——Ihaven"tseenagoiterinthiswholecantonthatIcouldn"tputinahat。"
Hehadgrowledateverything，butIjudgeditwouldpuzzlehimtofindanythingthematterwiththismajesticglacier。
Iintimatedasmuch；buthewasready，andsaidwithsurlydiscontent:"YououghttoseethemintheProtestantcantons。"
Thisirritatedme。ButIconcealedthefeeling，andasked:
"Whatisthematterwiththisone?"
"Matter?Why，itain"tinanykindofcondition。
Theynevertakeanycareofaglacierhere。Themorainehasbeenspillinggravelaroundit，andgotitalldirty。"
"Why，man，THEYcan"thelpthat。"
"THEY?You"reright。Thatis，theyWON"T。Theycouldiftheywantedto。YouneverseeaspeckofdirtonaProtestantglacier。LookattheRhoneglacier。
Itisfifteenmileslong，andsevenhundredfeetthink。
IfthiswasaProtestantglacieryouwouldn"tseeitlookinglikethis，Icantellyou。"
"Thatisnonsense。Whatwouldtheydowithit?"
"Theywouldwhitewashit。Theyalwaysdo。"
Ididnotbelieveawordofthis，butratherthanhavetroubleIletitgo；foritisawasteofbreathtoarguewithabigot。IevendoubtediftheRhoneglacierWAS
inaProtestantcanton；butIdidnotknow，soIcouldnotmakeanythingbycontradictingamanwhowouldprobablyputmedownatoncewithmanufacturedevidence。
AboutninemilesfromSt。NicholaswecrossedabridgeovertheragingtorrentoftheVisp，andcametoalogstripofflimsyfencingwhichwaspretendingtosecurepeoplefromtumblingoveraperpendicularwallfortyfeethighandintotheriver。Threechildrenwereapproaching；
oneofthem，alittlegirl，abouteightyearsold，wasrunning；whenprettyclosetousshestumbledandfell，andherfeetshotundertherailofthefenceandforamomentprojectedoverthestream。Itgaveusasharpshock，forwethoughtshewasgone，sure，forthegroundslantedsteeply，andtosaveherselfseemedasheerimpossibility；
butshemanagedtoscrambleup，andranbyuslaughing。
Wewentforwardandexaminedtheplaceandsawthelongtrackswhichherfeethadmadeinthedirtwhentheydartedovertheverge。Ifshehadfinishedhertripshewouldhavestrucksomebigrocksintheedgeofthewater，andthenthetorrentwouldhavesnatchedherdownstreamamongthehalf-coveredbouldersandshewouldhavebeenpoundedtopulpintwominutes。Wehadcomeexceedinglynearwitnessingherdeath。
AndnowHarris"scontrarynatureandinbornselfishnesswerestrikingmanifested。Hehasnospiritofself-denial。
Hebeganstraightoff，andcontinuedforanhour，toexpresshisgratitudethatthechildwasnotdestroyed。
Ineversawsuchaman。Thatwasthekindofpersonhewas；
justsoHEwasgratified，henevercaredanythingaboutanybodyelse。Ihadnoticedthattraitinhim，overandoveragain。Often，ofcourse，itwasmereheedlessness，merewantofreflection。Doubtlessthismayhavebeenthecaseinmostinstances，butitwasnotthelesshardtobaronthataccount——andafterall，itsbottom，itsgroundwork，wasselfishness。Thereisnoavoidingthatconclusion。Intheinstanceunderconsideration，Ididthinktheindecencyofrunningoninthatwaymightoccurtohim；butno，thechildwassavedandhewasglad，thatwassufficient——hecarednotastrawforMYfeelings，ormylossofsuchaliteraryplum，snatchedfrommyverymouthattheinstantitwasreadytodropintoit。
Hisselfishnesswassufficienttoplacehisowngratificationinbeingsparedsufferingclearbeforeallconcernforme，hisfriend。Apparently，hedidnotoncereflectuponthevaluabledetailswhichwouldhavefallenlikeawindfalltome:fishingthechildout——witnessingthesurpriseofthefamilyandthestirthethingwouldhavemadeamongthepeasants——thenaSwissfuneral——thentheroadsidemonument，tobepaidforbyusandhaveournamesmentionedinit。
AndweshouldhavegoneintoBaedekerandbeenimmortal。
Iwassilent。Iwastoomuchhurttocomplain。Ifhecouldactso，andbesoheedlessandsofrivolousatsuchatime，andactuallyseemtogloryinit，afterallIhaddoneforhim，IwouldhavecutmyhandoffbeforeIwouldlethimseethatIwaswounded。
WewereapproachingZermatt；consequently，wewereapproachingtherenownedMatterhorn。Amonthbefore，thismountainhadbeenonlyanametous，butlatterlywehadbeenmovingthroughasteadilythickeningdoublerowofpicturesofit，doneinoil，water，chromo，wood，steel，copper，crayon，andphotography，andsoithadatlengthbecomeashapetous——andaverydistinct，decided，andfamiliarone，too。Wewereexpectingtorecognizethatmountainwheneverorwhereverweshouldrunacrossit。
Wewerenotdeceived。Themonarchwasfarawaywhenwefirstsawhim，buttherewasnosuchthingasmistakinghim。
Hehastherarepeculiarityofstandingbyhimself；
heispeculiarlysteep，too，andisalsomostoddlyshaped。
Hetowersintotheskylikeacolossalwedge，withtheupperthirdofitsbladebentalittletotheleft。
Thebroadbaseofthismonsterwedgeisplanteduponagrandglacier-pavedAlpineplatformwhoseelevationistenthousandfeetabovesea-level；asthewedgeitselfissomefivethousandfeethigh，itfollowsthatitsapexisaboutfifteenthousandfeetabovesea-level。
Sothewholebulkofthisstatelypieceofrock，thissky-cleavingmonolith，isabovethelineofeternalsnow。
Yetwhileallitsgiantneighborshavethelookofbeingbuiltofsolidsnow，fromtheirwaistsup，theMatterhornstandsblackandnakedandforbidding，theyearround，ormerelypowderedorstreakedwithwhiteinplaces，foritssidesaresosteepthatthesnowcannotstaythere。
Itsstrangeform，itsaugustisolation，anditsmajesticunkinshipwithitsownkind，makeit——sotospeak——theNapoleonofthemountainworld。"Grand，gloomy，andpeculiar，"
isaphrasewhichfitsitasaptlyasitfittedthegreatcaptain。
Thinkofamonumentamilehigh，standingonapedestaltwomileshigh!ThisiswhattheMatterhornis——amonument。
Itsoffice，henceforth，foralltime，willbetokeepwatchandwardoverthesecretresting-placeoftheyoungLordDouglas，who，in1865，wasprecipitatedfromthesummitoveraprecipicefourthousandfeethigh，andneverseenagain。Nomaneverhadsuchamonumentasthisbefore；
themostimposingoftheworld"sothermonumentsarebutatomscomparedtoit；andtheywillperish，andtheirplaceswillpassfrommemory，butthiswillremain。[1]
1。TheaccidentwhichcostLordDouglashislife(seeChapterxii)alsocostthelivesofthreeothermen。
Thesethreefellfour-fifthsofamile，andtheirbodieswereafterwardfound，lyingsidebyside，uponaglacier，whencetheywerebornetoZermattandburiedinthechurchyard。
TheremainsofLordDouglashaveneverbeenfound。
Thesecretofhissepulture，likethatofMoses，mustremainamysteryalways。
AwalkfromSt。NicholastoZermattisawonderfulexperience。
Natureisbuiltonastupendousplaninthatregion。
Onemarchescontinuallybetweenwallsthatarepiledintotheskies，withtheirupperheightsbrokenintoaconfusionofsublimeshapesthatgleamwhiteandcoldagainstthebackgroundofblue；andhereandthereoneseesabigglacierdisplayingitsgrandeursonthetopofaprecipice，oragracefulcascadeleapingandflashingdownthegreendeclivities。Thereisnothingtame，orcheap，ortrivial——itisallmagnificent。Thatshortvalleyisapicture-galleryofanotablekind，foritcontainsnomediocrities；fromendtoendtheCreatorhashungitwithHismasterpieces。
WemadeZermattatthreeintheafternoon，ninehoursoutfromSt。Nicholas。Distance，byguide-book，twelvemiles；
bypedometerseventy-two。Wewereintheheartandhomeofthemountain-climbers，now，asallvisiblethingstestified。Thesnow-peaksdidnotholdthemselvesaloof，inaristocraticreserve；theynestledclosearound，inafriendly，sociableway；guides，withtheropesandaxesandotherimplementsoftheirfearfulcallingslungabouttheirpersons，roostedinalonglineuponastonewallinfrontofthehotel，andwaitedforcustomers；
sun-burntclimbers，inmountaineeringcostume，andfollowedbytheirguidesandporters，arrivedfromtimetotime，frombreakneckexpeditionsamongthepeaksandglaciersoftheHighAlps；maleandfemaletourists，onmules，filedby，inacontinuousprocession，hotelward-boundfromwildadventureswhichwouldgrowingrandeurverytimetheyweredescribedattheEnglishorAmericanfireside，andatlastoutgrowthepossibleitself。
Wewerenotdreaming；thiswasnotamake-believehomeoftheAlp-climber，createdbyourheatedimaginations；
no，forherewasMr。Girdlestonehimself，thefamousEnglishmanwhohuntshiswaytothemostformidableAlpinesummitswithoutaguide。IwasnotequaltoimaginingaGirdlestone；itwasallIcoulddotoevenrealizehim，whilelookingstraightathimatshortrange。IwouldratherfacewholeHydeParksofartillerythantheghastlyformsofdeathwhichhehasfacedamongthepeaksandprecipicesofthemountains。ThereisprobablynopleasureequaltothepleasureofclimbingadangerousAlp；butitisapleasurewhichisconfinedstrictlytopeoplewhocanfindpleasureinit。Ihavenotjumpedtothisconclusion；
Ihavetraveledtoitpergravel-train，sotospeak。
Ihavethoughtthethingallout，andamquitesureI
amright。Abornclimber"sappetiteforclimbingishardtosatisfy；whenitcomesuponhimheislikeastarvingmanwithafeastbeforehim；hemayhaveotherbusinessonhand，butitmustwait。Mr。GirdlestonehadhadhisusualsummerholidayintheAlps，andhadspentitinhisusualway，huntingforuniquechancestobreakhisneck；hisvacationwasover，andhisluggagepackedforEngland，butallofasuddenahungerhadcomeuponhimtoclimbthetremendousWeisshornoncemore，forhehadheardofanewandutterlyimpossiblerouteupit。
Hisbaggagewasunpackedatonce，andnowheandafriend，ladenwithknapsacks，ice-axes，coilsofrope，andcanteensofmilk，werejustsettingout。Theywouldspendthenighthighupamongthesnows，somewhere，andgetupattwointhemorningandfinishtheenterprise。
Ihadastrongdesiretogowiththem，butforceditdown——
afeatwhichMr。Girdlestone，withallhisfortitude，couldnotdo。
Evenladiescatchtheclimbingmania，andareunabletothrowitoff。Afamousclimber，ofthatsex，hadattemptedtheWeisshornafewdaysbeforeourarrival，andsheandherguideshadlosttheirwayinasnow-stormhighupamongthepeaksandglaciersandbeenforcedtowanderaroundagoodwhilebeforetheycouldfindawaydown。
Whenthisladyreachedthebottom，shehadbeenonherfeettwenty-threehours!
Ourguides，hiredontheGemmi，werealreadyatZermattwhenwereachedthere。Sotherewasnothingtointerferewithourgettingupanadventurewheneverweshouldchoosethetimeandtheobject。IresolvedtodevotemyfirsteveninginZermatttostudyingupthesubjectofAlpineclimbing，bywayofpreparation。