第13章

“SometimesIwouldleavethecompany(oftenspeakingtothefiddlertoceasefromplaying，asifIwastired)，andgooutandwalkaboutcryingandpraying，asifmyveryheartwouldbreak，andbeseechingGodthathewouldnotcutmeoff，norgivemeuptohardnessofheart。Oh，whatunhappyhoursandnightsIthusworeaway！WhenImetsometimeswithmerrycompanions，andmyheartwasreadytosink，Iwouldlabortoputonascheerfulacountenanceaspossible，thattheymightnotdistrustanything，andsometimeswouldbeginsomediscoursewithyoungmenoryoungwomenonpurpose，orproposeamerrysong，lestthedistressofmysoulwouldbediscovered，ormistrusted，whenatthesametimeIwouldthenratherhavebeeninawildernessinexile，thanwiththemoranyoftheirpleasuresorenjoyments。ThusformanymonthswhenIwasincompany？IwouldactthehypocriteandfeignamerryheartbutatthesametimewouldendeavorasmuchasIcouldtoshuntheircompany，ohwretchedandunhappymortalthatIwas！EverythingIdid，andwhereverIwent，IwasstillinastormandyetIcontinuedtobethechiefcontriverandringleaderofthefrolicsformanymonthsafter；thoughitwasatoilandtormenttoattendthem；butthedevilandmyownwickedheartdrovemeaboutlikeaslave，tellingmethatImustdothisanddothat，andbearthisandbearthat，andturnhereandturnthere，tokeepmycreditup，andretaintheesteemofmyassociates：andallthiswhileIcontinuedasstrictaspossibleinmyduties，andleftnostoneunturnedtopacifymyconscience，watchingevenagainstmythoughts，andprayingcontinuallywhereverIwent：forIdidnotthinktherewasanysininmyconduct，whenIwasamongcarnalcompany，becauseIdidnottakeanysatisfactionthere，butonlyfollowedit，Ithought，forsufficientreasons。

“Butstill，allthatIdidorcoulddo，consciencewouldroarnightandday。”

SaintAugustineandAllinebothemergedintothesmoothwatersofinnerunityandpeace，andIshallnextaskyoutoconsidermorecloselysomeofthepeculiaritiesoftheprocessofunification，whenitoccurs。Itmaycomegradually，oritmayoccurabruptly；

itmaycomethroughalteredfeelings，orthroughalteredpowersofaction；oritmaycomethroughnewintellectualinsights，orthroughexperienceswhichweshalllaterhavetodesignateas’mystical。’Howeveritcome，itbringsacharacteristicsortofrelief；andneversuchextremereliefaswhenitiscastintothereligiousmould。Happiness！happiness！religionisonlyoneofthewaysinwhichmengainthatgift。Easily，permanently，andsuccessfully，itoftentransformsthemostintolerablemiseryintotheprofoundestandmostenduringhappiness。

Buttofindreligionisonlyoneoutofmanywaysofreachingunity；andtheprocessofremedyinginnerincompletenessandreducinginnerdiscordisageneralpsychologicalprocess，whichmaytakeplacewithanysortofmentalmaterial，andneednotnecessarilyassumethereligiousform。Injudgingofthereligioustypesofregenerationwhichweareabouttostudy，itisimportanttorecognizethattheyareonlyonespeciesofagenusthatcontainsothertypesaswell。Forexample，thenewbirthmaybeawayfromreligionintoincredulity；oritmaybefrommoralscrupulosityintofreedomandlicense；oritmaybeproducedbytheirruptionintotheindividual’slifeofsomenewstimulusorpassion，suchaslove，ambition，cupidity，revenge，orpatrioticdevotion。Inalltheseinstanceswehavepreciselythesamepsychologicalformofevent，——afirmness，stability，andequilibrium<173>succeedingaperiodofstormandstressandinconsistency。Inthesenon-religiouscasesthenewmanmayalsobeborneithergraduallyorsuddenly。

TheFrenchphilosopherJouffroyhasleftaneloquentmemorialofhisown“counter-conversion。”asthetransitionfromorthodoxytoinfidelityhasbeenwellstyledbyMr。Starbuck。Jouffroy’sdoubtshadlongharassedhim；buthedateshisfinalcrisisfromacertainnightwhenhisdisbeliefgrewfixedandstable，andwheretheimmediateresultwassadnessattheillusionshehadlost。

“IshallneverforgetthatnightofDecember。”writesJouffroy，“inwhichtheveilthatconcealedfrommemyownincredulitywastorn。IhearagainmystepsinthatnarrownakedchamberwherelongafterthehourofsleephadcomeIhadthehabitofwalkingupanddown。Iseeagainthatmoon，half-veiledbyclouds，whichnowandagainilluminatedthefrigidwindow-panes。ThehoursofthenightflowedonandIdidnotnotetheirpassage。

AnxiouslyIfollowedmythoughts，asfromlayertolayertheydescendedtowardsthefoundationofmyconsciousness，and，scatteringonebyonealltheillusionswhichuntilthenhadscreeneditswindingsfrommyview，madethemeverymomentmoreclearlyvisible。

“VainlyIclungtotheselastbeliefsasashipwreckedsailorclingstothefragmentsofhisvessel；vainly，frightenedattheunknownvoidinwhichIwasabouttofloat，Iturnedwiththemtowardsmychildhood，myfamily，mycountry，allthatwasdearandsacredtome：theinflexiblecurrentofmythoughtwastoostrong——parents，family，memory，beliefs，itforcedmetoletgoofeverything。Theinvestigationwentonmoreobstinateandmoresevereasitdrewnearitsterm，anddidnotstopuntiltheendwasreached。Iknewthenthatinthedepthofmymindnothingwasleftthatstooderect。

“Thismomentwasafrightfulone；andwhentowardsmorningI

threwmyselfexhaustedonmybed，Iseemedtofeelmyearlierlife，sosmilingandsofull，gooutlikeafire，andbeforemeanotherlifeopened，sombreandunpeopled，whereinfutureImustlivealone，alonewithmyfatalthoughtwhichhadexiledmethither，andwhichIwastemptedtocurse。Thedayswhichfollowedthisdiscoverywerethesaddestofmylife。”[93]

[93]Th。Jouffroy：NouveauxMelangesphilosophiques，2meedition，p。83。Iaddtwoothercasesofcounter-conversiondatingfromacertainmoment。ThefirstisfromProfessorStarbuck’smanuscriptcollection，andthenarratorisawoman。

“Awaydowninthebottomofmyheart，IbelieveIwasalwaysmoreorlessskepticalabout’God；’skepticismgrewasanundercurrent，allthroughmyearlyyouth，butitwascontrolledandcoveredbytheemotionalelementsinmyreligiousgrowth。

WhenIwassixteenIjoinedthechurchandwasaskedifIlovedGod。Ireplied’Yes，’aswascustomaryandexpected。Butinstantlywithaflashsomethingspokewithinme，’No，youdonot。’IwashauntedforalongtimewithshameandremorseformyfalsehoodandformywickednessinnotlovingGod，mingledwithfearthattheremightbeanavengingGodwhowouldpunishmeinsometerribleway……Atnineteen，Ihadanattackoftonsilitis。BeforeIhadquiterecovered，Iheardtoldastoryofabrutewhohadkickedhiswifedown-stairs，andthencontinuedtheoperationuntilshebecameinsensible。Ifeltthehorrorofthethingkeenly。Instantlythisthoughtflashedthroughmymind：’IhavenouseforaGodwhopermitssuchthings。’ThisexperiencewasfollowedbymonthsofstoicalindifferencetotheGodofmypreviouslife，mingledwithfeelingsofpositivedislikeandasomewhatprouddefianceofhim。IstillthoughttheremightbeaGod。Ifsohewouldprobablydamnme，butIshouldhavetostandit。Ifeltverylittlefearandnodesiretopropitiatehim。Ihaveneverhadanypersonalrelationswithhimsincethispainfulexperience。”

Thesecondcaseexemplifieshowsmallanadditionalstimuluswilloverthrowthemindintoanewstateofequilibriumwhentheprocessofpreparationandincubationhasproceededfarenough。

Itisliketheproverbiallaststrawaddedtothecamel’sburden，orthattouchofaneedlewhichmakesthesaltinasupersaturatedfluidsuddenlybegintocrystallizeout。

Tolstoywrites：“S。，afrankandintelligentman，toldmeasfollowshowheceasedtobelieve：——

“Hewastwenty-sixyearsoldwhenonedayonahuntingexpedition，thetimeforsleephavingcome，hesethimselftoprayaccordingtothecustomhehadheldfromchildhood。

“Hisbrother，whowashuntingwithhim，layuponthehayandlookedathim。WhenS。hadfinishedhisprayerandwasturningtosleep，thebrothersaid，’Doyoustillkeepupthatthing？’

Nothingmorewassaid。Butsincethatday，nowmorethanthirtyyearsago，S。hasneverprayedagain；henevertakescommunion，anddoesnotgotochurch。Allthis，notbecausehebecameacquaintedwithconvictionsofhisbrotherwhichhethenandthereadopted；notbecausehemadeanynewresolutioninhissoul，butmerelybecausethewordsspokenbyhisbrotherwerelikethelightpushofafingeragainstaleaningwallalreadyabouttotumblebyitsownweight。Thesewordsbutshowedhimthattheplacewhereinhesupposedreligiondweltinhimhadlongbeenempty，andthatthesentencesheuttered，thecrossesandbowswhichhemadeduringhisprayer，wereactionswithnoinnersense。Havingonceseizedtheirabsurdity，hecouldnolongerkeepthemup。”MaConfession，p。8。

Isubjoinanadditionaldocumentwhichhascomeintomypossession，andwhichrepresentsinavividwaywhatisprobablyaveryfrequentsortofconversion，iftheoppositeof’fallinginlove，’fallingoutoflove，maybesotermed。Fallinginlovealsoconformsfrequentlytothistype，alatentprocessofunconsciouspreparationoftenprecedingasuddenawakeningtothefactthatthemischiefisirretrievablydone。Thefreeandeasytoneinthisnarrativegivesitasinceritythatspeaksforitself。

“FortwoyearsofthistimeIwentthroughaverybadexperience，whichalmostdrovememad。Ihadfallenviolentlyinlovewithagirlwho，youngasshewas，hadaspiritofcoquetrylikeacat。

AsIlookbackonhernow，Ihateher，andwonderhowIcouldeverhavefallensolowastobeworkedupontosuchanextentbyherattractions。Nevertheless，Ifellintoaregularfever，couldthinkofnothingelse；wheneverIwasalone，Ipicturedherattractions，andspentmostofthetimewhenIshouldhavebeenworking，inrecallingourpreviousinterviews，andimaginingfutureconversations。Shewasverypretty，goodhumored，andjollytothelastdegree，andintenselypleasedwithmyadmiration。Wouldgivemenodecidedansweryesornoandthequeerthingaboutitwasthatwhilstpursuingherforherhand，I

secretlyknewallalongthatshewasunfittobeawifeforme，andthatsheneverwouldsayyes。Althoughforayearwetookourmealsatthesameboarding-house，sothatIsawhercontinuallyandfamiliarly，ourcloserrelationshadtobelargelyonthesly，andthisfact，togetherwithmyjealousyofanotheroneofhermaleadmirersandmyownconsciencedespisingmeformyuncontrollableweakness，mademesonervousandsleeplessthatIreallythoughtIshouldbecomeinsane。I

understandwellthoseyoungmenmurderingtheirsweethearts，whichappearsoofteninthepapers。NeverthelessIdidloveherpassionately，andinsomewaysshediddeserveit。

“Thequeerthingwasthesuddenandunexpectedwayinwhichitallstopped。Iwasgoingtomyworkafterbreakfastonemorning，thinkingasusualofherandofmymisery，when，justasifsomeoutsidepowerlaidholdofme，Ifoundmyselfturningroundandalmostrunningtomyroom，whereIimmediatelygotoutalltherelicsofherwhichIpossessed，includingsomehair，allhernotesandlettersandambrotypesonglass。TheformerImadeafireof，thelatterIactuallycrushedbeneathmyheel，inasortoffiercejoyofrevengeandpunishment。Inowloathedanddespisedheraltogether，andasformyselfIfeltasifaloadofdiseasehadsuddenlybeenremovedfromme。Thatwastheend。I

neverspoketoherorwrotetoheragaininallthesubsequentyears，andIhaveneverhadasinglemomentoflovingthoughttowardsoneforsomanymonthsentirelyfilledmyheart。Infact，Ihavealwaysratherhatedhermemory，thoughnowIcanseethatIhadgoneunnecessarilyfarinthatdirection。Atanyrate，fromthathappymorningonwardIregainedpossessionofmyownpropersoul，andhaveneversincefallenintoanysimilartrap。”

Thisseemstomeanunusuallyclearexampleoftwodifferentlevelsofpersonality，inconsistentintheirdictates，yetsowellbalancedagainsteachotherasforalongtimetofillthelifewithdiscordanddissatisfaction。Atlast，notgradually，butinasuddencrisis，theunstableequilibriumisresolved，andthishappenssounexpectedlythatitisasif，tousethewriter’swords，“someoutsidepowerlaidhold。”