第15章

gaveupthelifeoftheconventionalworld，recognizingittobenolife，butaparodyonlife，whichitssuperfluitiessimplykeepusfromcomprehending。”——andTolstoythereuponembracedthelifeofthepeasants，andhasfeltrightandhappy，oratleastrelativelyso，eversince。[96]

[96]IhaveconsiderablyabridgedTolstoy’swordsinmytranslation。

AsIinterprethismelancholy，then，itwasnotmerelyanaccidentalvitiationofhishumors，thoughitwasdoubtlessalsothat。Itwaslogicallycalledforbytheclashbetweenhisinnercharacterandhisouteractivitiesandaims。Althoughaliteraryartist，Tolstoywasoneofthoseprimitiveoaksofmentowhomthesuperfluitiesandinsincerities，thecupidities，complications，andcrueltiesofourpolitecivilizationareprofoundlyunsatisfying，andforwhomtheeternalveracitiesliewithmorenaturalandanimalthings。Hiscrisiswasthegettingofhissoulinorder，thediscoveryofitsgenuinehabitatandvocation，theescapefromfalsehoodsintowhatforhimwerewaysoftruth。Itwasacaseofheterogeneouspersonalitytardilyandslowlyfindingitsunityandlevel。AndthoughnotmanyofuscanimitateTolstoy，nothavingenough，perhaps，oftheaboriginalhumanmarrowinourbones，mostofusmayatleastfeelasifitmightbebetterforusifwecould。

Bunyan’srecoveryseemstohavebeenevenslower。ForyearstogetherhewasalternatelyhauntedwithtextsofScripture，nowupandnowdown，butatlastwithanevergrowingreliefinhissalvationthroughthebloodofChrist。

“Mypeacewouldbeinandouttwentytimesaday；comfortnowandtroublepresently；peacenowandbeforeIcouldgoafurlongasfullofguiltandfearaseverheartcouldhold。”Whenagoodtextcomeshometohim，“This。”hewrites，“gavemegoodencouragementforthespaceoftwoorthreehours“；or“Thiswasagooddaytome，IhopeIshallnotforgetit“，or“ThegloryofthesewordswasthensoweightyonmethatIwasreadytoswoonasIsat；yet，notwithgriefandtrouble，butwithsolidjoyandpeace“；or“Thismadeastrangeseizureonmyspirit；itbroughtlightwithit，andcommandedasilenceinmyheartofallthosetumultuousthoughtsthatbeforediduse，likemasterlesshell-hounds，toroarandbellowandmakeahideousnoisewithinme。ItshowedmethatJesusChristhadnotquiteforsakenandcastoffmySoul。”

Suchperiodsaccumulateuntilhecanwrite：“Andnowremainedonlythehinderpartofthetempest，forthethunderwasgonebeyondme，onlysomedropswouldstillremain，thatnowandthenwouldfalluponme“；——andatlast：“Nowdidmychainsfalloffmylegsindeed；Iwasloosedfrommyafflictionsandirons；mytemptationsalsofledaway；sothatfromthattime，thosedreadfulScripturesofGodleftofftotroubleme；nowwentI

alsohomerejoicing，forthegraceandloveofGod……NowcouldIseemyselfinHeavenandEarthatonce；inHeavenbymyChrist，bymyHead，bymyRighteousnessandLife，thoughonEarthbymybodyorperson……ChristwasapreciousChristtomysoulthatnight；IcouldscarcelieinmybedforjoyandpeaceandtriumphthroughChrist。”

Bunyanbecameaministerofthegospel，andinspiteofhisneuroticconstitution，andofthetwelveyearshelayinprisonforhisnon-conformity，hislifewasturnedtoactiveuse。Hewasapeacemakeranddoerofgood，andtheimmortalAllegorywhichhewrotehasbroughttheveryspiritofreligiouspatiencehometoEnglishhearts。

ButneitherBunyannorTolstoycouldbecomewhatwehavecalledhealthy-minded。Theyhaddrunktoodeeplyofthecupofbitternessevertoforgetitstaste，andtheirredemptionisintoauniversetwostoriesdeep。Eachofthemrealizedagoodwhichbroketheeffectiveedgeofhissadness；yetthesadnesswaspreservedasaminoringredientintheheartofthefaithbywhichitwasovercome。ThefactofinterestforusisthatasamatteroffacttheycouldanddidfindSOMETHINGwellingupintheinnerreachesoftheirconsciousness，bywhichsuchextremesadnesscouldbeovercome。TolstoydoeswelltotalkofitasTHATBYWHICHMENLIVE；forthatisexactlywhatitis，astimulus，anexcitement，afaith，aforcethatre-infusesthepositivewillingnesstolive，eveninfullpresenceoftheevilperceptionsthaterewhilemadelifeseemunbearable。ForTolstoy’sperceptionsofevilappearwithintheirspheretohaveremainedunmodified。Hislaterworksshowhimimplacabletothewholesystemofofficialvalues：theignobilityoffashionablelife；theinfamiesofempire；thespuriousnessofthechurch，thevainconceitoftheprofessions；themeannessesandcrueltiesthatgowithgreatsuccess；andeveryotherpompouscrimeandlyinginstitutionofthisworld。Toallpatiencewithsuchthingshisexperiencehasbeenforhimaperroanentministryofdeath。

Bunyanalsoleavesthisworldtotheenemy。

“Imustfirstpassasentenceofdeath。”hesays，“uponeverythingthatcanproperlybecalledathingofthislife，eventoreckonmyself，mywife，mychildren，myhealth，myenjoyments，andall，asdeadtome，andmyselfasdeadtothem；totrustinGodthroughChrist，astouchingtheworldtocome，andastouchingthisworld，tocountthegravemyhouse，tomakemybedindarkness，andtosaytocorruption，Thouartmyfatherandtotheworm，Thouartmymotherandsister……Thepartingwithmywifeandmypoorchildrenhathoftenbeentomeasthepullingofmyfleshfrommybones，especiallymypoorblindchildwholaynearermyheartthanallIhadbesides。Poorchild，thoughtI，whatsorrowartthouliketohaveforthyportioninthisworld！

Thoumustbebeaten，mustbeg，sufferhunger，cold，nakedness，andathousandcalamities，thoughIcannotnowendurethatthewindshouldblowuponthee。ButyetImustventureyouallwithGod，thoughitgoethtothequicktoleaveyou。”[97]

[97]InmyquotationsfromBunyanIhaveomittedcertaininterveningportionsofthetext。

The“hueofresolution“isthere，butthefullfloodofecstaticliberationseemsnevertohavepouredoverpoorJohnBunyan’ssoul。

Theseexamplesmaysufficetoacquaintusinageneralwaywiththephenomenontechnicallycalled“Conversion。”InthenextlectureIshallinviteyoutostudyitspeculiaritiesandconcomitantsinsomedetail。

Tobeconverted，toberegenerated，toreceivegrace，toexperiencereligion，togainanassurance，aresomanyphraseswhichdenotetheprocess，gradualorsudden，bywhichaselfhithertodivided，andconsciouslywronginferiorandunhappy，becomesunifiedandconsciouslyrightsuperiorandhappy，inconsequenceofitsfirmerholduponreligiousrealities。Thisatleastiswhatconversionsignifiesingeneralterms，whetherornotwebelievethatadirectdivineoperationisneededtobringsuchamoralchangeabout。

Beforeenteringuponaminuterstudyoftheprocess，letmeenlivenourunderstandingofthedefinitionbyaconcreteexample。Ichoosethequaintcaseofanunletteredman，StephenH。Bradley，whoseexperienceisrelatedinascarceAmericanpamphlet。[98]

[98]AsketchofthelifeofStephenH。Bradley，fromtheageoffivetotwentyfouryears，includinghisremarkableexperienceofthepoweroftheHolySpiritonthesecondeveningofNovember，1829。Madison，Connecticut，1830。

Iselectthiscasebecauseitshowshowintheseinneralterationsonemayfindoneunsuspecteddepthbelowanother，asifthepossibilitiesofcharacterlaydisposedinaseriesoflayersorshells，ofwhoseexistencewehavenopremonitoryknowledge。

Bradleythoughtthathehadbeenalreadyfullyconvertedattheageoffourteen。

“IthoughtIsawtheSaviour，byfaith，inhumanshape，foraboutonesecondintheroom，witharmsextended，appearingtosaytome，Come。ThenextdayIrejoicedwithtrembling；soonafter，myhappinesswassogreatthatIsaidthatIwantedtodie；thisworldhadnoplaceinmyaffections，asIknewof，andeverydayappearedassolemntomeastheSabbath。IhadanardentdesirethatallmankindmightfeelasIdid；IwantedtohavethemallloveGodsupremely。PrevioustothistimeIwasveryselfishandself-righteous；butnowIdesiredthewelfareofallmankind，andcouldwithafeelingheartforgivemyworstenemies，andIfeltasifIshouldbewillingtobearthescoffsandsneersofanyperson，andsufferanythingforHissake，ifIcouldbethemeansinthehandsofGod，oftheconversionofonesoul。”

Nineyearslater，in1829，Mr。Bradleyheardofarevivalofreligionthathadbeguninhisneighborhood。“Manyoftheyoungconverts。”hesays，“wouldcometomewheninmeetingandaskmeifIhadreligion，andmyreplygenerallywas，IhopeIhave。

Thisdidnotappeartosatisfythem；theysaidtheyKNEWTHEYhadit。Irequestedthemtoprayforme，thinkingwithmyself，thatifIhadnotgotreligionnow，aftersolongatimeprofessingtobeaChristian，thatitwastimeIhad，andhopedtheirprayerswouldbeansweredinmybehalf。

“OneSabbath，IwenttoheartheMethodistattheAcademy。Hespokeoftheusheringinofthedayofgeneraljudgment；andhesetitforthinsuchasolemnandterriblemannerasIneverheardbefore。Thesceneofthatdayappearedtobetakingplace，andsoawakenedwereallthepowersofmymindthat，likeFelix，ItrembledinvoluntarilyonthebenchwhereIwassitting，thoughIfeltnothingatheart。ThenextdayeveningIwenttohearhimagain。HetookhistextfromRevelation：’AndIsawthedead，smallandgreat，standbeforeGod。’Andherepresentedtheterrorsofthatdayinsuchamannerthatitappearedasifitwouldmelttheheartofstone。Whenhefinishedhisdiscourse，anoldgentlemanturnedtomeandsaid’ThisiswhatIcallpreaching。’Ithoughtthesame，butmyfeelingswerestillunmovedbywhathesaid，andIdidnotenjoyreligion，butI

believehedid。

“IwillnowrelatemyexperienceofthepoweroftheHolySpiritwhichtookplaceonthesamenight。HadanypersontoldmeprevioustothisthatIcouldhaveexperiencedthepoweroftheHolySpiritinthemannerwhichIdid，Icouldnothavebelievedit，andshouldhavethoughtthepersondeludedthattoldmeso。Iwentdirectlyhomeafterthemeeting，andwhenIgothomeIwonderedwhatmademefeelsostupid。IretiredtorestsoonafterIgothome，andfeltindifferenttothethingsofreligionuntilIbegantobeexercisedbytheHolySpirit，whichbeganinaboutfiveminutesafter，inthefollowingmanner：——

“Atfirst，Ibegantofeelmyheartbeatveryquickallonasudden，whichmademeatfirstthinkthatperhapssomethingisgoingtoailme，thoughIwasnotalarmed，forIfeltnopain。

Myheartincreasedinitsbeating，whichsoonconvincedmethatitwastheHolySpiritfromtheeffectithadonme。Ibegantofeelexceedinglyhappyandhumble，andsuchasenseofunworthinessasIneverfeltbefore。Icouldnotverywellhelpspeakingout，whichIdid，andsaid，Lord，Idonotdeservethishappiness，orwordstothateffect，whiletherewasastream(resemblingairinfeeling)cameintomymouthandheartinamoresensiblemannerthanthatofdrinkinganything，whichcontinued，asnearasIcouldjudge，fiveminutesormore，whichappearedtobethecauseofsuchapalpitationofmyheart。Ittookcompletepossessionofmysoul，andIamcertainthatI

desiredtheLord，whileinthemidstofit，nottogivemeanymorehappiness，foritseemedasifIcouldnotcontainwhatI

hadgot。Myheartseemedasifitwouldburst，butitdidnotstopuntilIfeltasifIwasunutterablyfulloftheloveandgraceofGod。Inthemeantimewhilethusexercised，athoughtaroseinmymind，whatcanitmean？andallatonce，asiftoanswerit，mymemorybecameexceedinglyclear，anditappearedtomejustasiftheNewTestamentwasplacedopenbeforeme，eighthchapterofRomans，andaslightasifsomecandlelightedwasheldformetoreadthe26thand27thversesofthatchapter，andIreadthesewords：’TheSpirithelpethourinfirmitieswithgroaningswhichcannotbeuttered。’Andallthetimethatmyheartwasa-beating，itmademegroanlikeapersonindistress，whichwasnotveryeasytostop，thoughIwasinnopainatall，andmybrotherbeinginbedinanotherroomcameandopenedthedoor，andaskedmeifIhadgotthetoothache。Itoldhimno，andthathemightgettosleep。Itriedtostop。Ifeltunwillingtogotosleepmyself，Iwassohappy，fearingIshouldloseit——thinkingwithinmyself’MywillingsoulwouldstayInsuchaframeasthis。’

AndwhileIlayreflecting，aftermyheartstoppedbeating，feelingasifmysoulwasfulloftheHolySpirit，Ithoughtthatperhapstheremightbeangelshoveringroundmybed。IfeltjustasifIwantedtoconversewiththem，andfinallyIspoke，saying’Oyeaffectionateangels！howisitthatyecantakesomuchinterestinourwelfare，andwetakesolittleinterestinourown。’Afterthis，withdifficultyIgottosleep；andwhenI

awokeinthemorningmyfirstthoughtswere：Whathasbecomeofmyhappiness？and，feelingadegreeofitinmyheart，Iaskedformore，whichwasgiventomeasquickasthought。Ithengotuptodressmyself，andfoundtomysurprisethatIcouldbutjuststand。Itappearedtomeasifitwasalittleheavenuponearth。Mysoulfeltascompletelyraisedabovethefearsofdeathasofgoingtosleep；andlikeabirdinacage，Ihadadesire，ifitwasthewillofGod，togetreleasedfrommybodyandtodwellwithChrist，thoughwillingtolivetodogoodtoothers，andtowarnsinnerstorepent。IwentdownstairsfeelingassolemnasifIhadlostallmyfriends，andthinkingwithmyself，thatIwouldnotletmyparentsknowituntilIhadfirstlookedintotheTestament。Iwentdirectlytotheshelfandlookedintoit，attheeighthofRomans，andeveryverseseemedtoalmostspeakandtoconfirmittobetrulytheWordofGod，andasifmyfeelingscorrespondedwiththemeaningoftheword。