第12章

Youaregoingoffbyrailway，fromanyTerminus。Youhavetwentyminutesfordinner，beforeyougo。Youwantyourdinner，andlikeDr。Johnson，Sir，youliketodine。Youpresenttoyourmind，apictureoftherefreshment-tableatthatterminus。Theconventionalshabbyevening-partysupper-acceptedasthemodelforallterminiandallrefreshmentstations，becauseitisthelastrepastknowntothisstateofexistenceofwhichanyhumancreaturewouldpartake，butinthedirestextremity-sickensyourcontemplation，andyourwordsarethese:’Icannotdineonstalesponge-cakesthatturntosandinthemouth。Icannotdineonshiningbrownpatties，composedofunknownanimalswithin，andofferingtomyviewthedeviceofanindigestiblestar-fishinleadenpie-crustwithout。Icannotdineonasandwichthathaslongbeenpiningunderanexhaustedreceiver。Icannotdineonbarley-sugar。IcannotdineonToffee。’Yourepairtothenearesthotel，andarrive，agitated，inthecoffee-room。

Itisamostastonishingfactthatthewaiterisverycoldtoyou。

Accountforithowyoumay，smoothitoverhowyouwill，youcannotdenythatheiscoldtoyou。Heisnotgladtoseeyou，hedoesnotwantyou，hewouldmuchratheryouhadn’tcome。Heopposestoyourflushedcondition，animmovablecomposure。Asifthiswerenotenough，anotherwaiter，born，asitwouldseem，expresslytolookatyouinthispassageofyourlife，standsatalittledistance，withhisnapkinunderhisarmandhishandsfolded，lookingatyouwithallhismight。Youimpressonyourwaiterthatyouhavetenminutesfordinner，andheproposesthatyoushallbeginwithabitoffishwhichwillbereadyintwenty。Thatproposaldeclined，hesuggests-asaneatoriginality-’awealormuttoncutlet。’Youclosewitheithercutlet，anycutlet，anything。Hegoes，leisurely，behindadoorandcallsdownsomeunseenshaft。Aventriloquialdialogueensues，tendingfinallytotheeffectthatwealonly，isavailableonthespurofthemoment。

Youanxiouslycallout，’Veal，then！’Yourwaiterhavingsettledthatpoint，returnstoarrayyourtablecloth，withatablenapkinfoldedcocked-hat-wise(slowly，forsomethingoutofwindowengageshiseye)，awhitewine-glass，agreenwine-glass，abluefinger-

glass，atumbler，andapowerfulfieldbatteryoffourteencasterswithnothinginthem；oratallevents-whichisenoughforyourpurpose-withnothinginthemthatwillcomeout。Allthistime，theotherwaiterlooksatyou-withanairofmentalcomparisonandcuriosity，now，asifithadoccurredtohimthatyouareratherlikehisbrother。Halfyourtimegone，andnothingcomebutthejugofaleandthebread，youimploreyourwaiterto’seeafterthatcutlet，waiter；praydo！’Hecannotgoatonce，forheiscarryinginseventeenpoundsofAmericancheeseforyoutofinishwith，andasmallLandedEstateofceleryandwater-cresses。Theotherwaiterchangeshisleg，andtakesanewviewofyou，doubtfully，now，asifhehadrejectedtheresemblancetohisbrother，andhadbeguntothinkyoumorelikehisauntorhisgrandmother。Againyoubeseechyourwaiterwithpatheticindignation，to’seeafterthatcutlet！’Hestepsouttoseeafterit，andby-and-by，whenyouaregoingawaywithoutit，comesbackwithit。Eventhen，hewillnottaketheshamsilvercoveroff，withoutapauseforaflourish，andalookatthemustycutletasifheweresurprisedtoseeit-whichcannotpossiblybethecase，hemusthaveseenitsooftenbefore。Asortoffurhasbeenproduceduponitssurfacebythecook’sart，andinashamsilvervesselstaggeringontwofeetinsteadofthree，isacutaneouskindofsauceofbrownpimplesandpickledcucumber。Youorderthebill，butyourwaitercannotbringyourbillyet，becauseheisbringing，instead，threeflinty-heartedpotatoesandtwogrimheadofbroccoli，liketheoccasionalornamentsonarearailings，badlyboiled。Youknowthatyouwillnevercometothispass，anymorethantothecheeseandcelery，andyouimperativelydemandyourbill；but，ittakestimetoget，evenwhengonefor，becauseyourwaiterhastocommunicatewithaladywholivesbehindasash-

windowinacorner，andwhoappearstohavetorefertoseveralLedgersbeforeshecanmakeitout-asifyouhadbeenstayingthereayear。Youbecomedistractedtogetaway，andtheotherwaiter，oncemorechanginghisleg，stilllooksatyou-butsuspiciously，now，asifyouhadbeguntoremindhimofthepartywhotookthegreat-coatslastwinter。Yourbillatlastbroughtandpaid，attherateofsixpenceamouthful，yourwaiterreproachfullyremindsyouthat’attendanceisnotchargedforasinglemeal，’andyouhavetosearchinallyourpocketsforsixpencemore。Hehasaworseopinionofyouthanever，whenyouhavegivenittohim，andletsyououtintothestreetwiththeairofonesayingtohimself，asyoucannotagaindoubtheis，’IhopeweshallneverseeYOUhereagain！’

Or，takeanyotherofthenumeroustravellinginstancesinwhich，withmoretimeatyourdisposal，youare，havebeen，ormaybe，equallyillserved。Taketheold-establishedBull’sHeadwithitsold-establishedknife-boxesonitsold-establishedsideboards，itsold-establishedflueunderitsold-establishedfour-postbedsteadsinitsold-establishedairlessrooms，itsold-establishedfrouzinessup-stairsanddown-stairs，itsold-establishedcookery，anditsold-establishedprinciplesofplunder。Countupyourinjuries，initsside-dishesofailingsweetbreadsinwhitepoultices，ofapothecaries’powdersinriceforcurry，ofpalestewedbitsofcalfineffectuallyrelyingforanadventitiousinterestonforcemeatballs。Youhavehadexperienceoftheold-

establishedBull’sHeadstringyfowls，withlowerextremitieslikewoodenlegs，stickingupoutofthedish；ofitscannibalicboiledmutton，gushinghorriblyamongitscapers，whencarved；ofitslittledishesofpastry-roofsofspermacetiointment，erectedoverhalfanappleorfourgooseberries。Wellforyouifyouhaveyetforgottentheold-establishedBull’sHeadfruityport:whosereputationwasgainedsolelybytheold-establishedpricetheBull’sHeadputuponit，andbytheold-establishedairwithwhichtheBull’sHeadsettheglassesandD’Oyleyson，andheldthatLiquidGouttothethree-and-sixpennywax-candle，asifitsold-

establishedcolourhadn’tcomefromthedyer’s。

Orlastly，taketofinishwith，twocasesthatweallknow，everyday。

Weallknowthenewhotelnearthestation，whereitisalwaysgusty，goingupthelanewhichisalwaysmuddy，wherewearesuretoarriveatnight，andwherewemakethegasstartawfullywhenweopenthefrontdoor。Weallknowtheflooringofthepassagesandstaircasesthatistoonew，andthewallsthataretoonew，andthehousethatishauntedbytheghostofmortar。Weallknowthedoorsthathavecracked，andthecrackedshuttersthroughwhichwegetaglimpseofthedisconsolatemoon。Weallknowthenewpeople，whohavecometokeepthenewhotel，andwhowishtheyhadnevercome，andwho(inevitableresult)wishWEhadnevercome。Weallknowhowmuchtooscantandsmoothandbrightthenewfurnitureis，andhowithasneversettleddown，andcannotfititselfintorightplaces，andwillgetintowrongplaces。Weallknowhowthegas，beinglighted，showsmapsofDampuponthewalls。Weallknowhowtheghostofmortarpassesintooursandwich，stirsournegus，goesuptobedwithus，ascendsthepalebedroomchimney，andpreventsthesmokefromfollowing。Weallknowhowalegofourchaircomesoffatbreakfastinthemorning，andhowthedejectedwaiterattributestheaccidenttoageneralgreennesspervadingtheestablishment，andinformsus，inreplytoalocalinquiry，thatheisthankfultosayheisanentirestrangerinthatpartofthecountryandisgoingbacktohisownconnexiononSaturday。

Weallknow，ontheotherhand，thegreatstationhotelbelongingtothecompanyofproprietors，whichhassuddenlysprungupinthebackoutskirtsofanyplaceweliketoname，andwherewelookoutofourpalatialwindowsatlittlebackyardsandgardens，oldsummer-houses，fowl-houses，pigeon-traps，andpigsties。Weallknowthishotelinwhichwecangetanythingwewant，afteritskind，formoney；butwherenobodyisgladtoseeus，orsorrytoseeus，orminds(ourbillpaid)whetherwecomeorgo，orhow，orwhen，orwhy，orcaresaboutus。Weallknowthishotel，wherewehavenoindividuality，butputourselvesintothegeneralpost，asitwere，andaresortedanddisposedofaccordingtoourdivision。

Weallknowthatwecangetonverywellindeedatsuchaplace，butstillnotperfectlywell；andthismaybe，becausetheplaceislargelywholesale，andthereisalingeringpersonalretailinterestwithinusthataskstobesatisfied。

Tosumup。Myuncommercialtravellinghasnotyetbroughtmetotheconclusionthatweareclosetoperfectioninthesematters。

AndjustasIdonotbelievethattheendoftheworldwilleverbenearathand，solongasanyoftheverytiresomeandarrogantpeoplewhoconstantlypredictthatcatastropheareleftinit，so，IshallhavesmallfaithintheHotelMillennium，whileanyoftheuncomfortablesuperstitionsIhaveglancedatremaininexistence。

CHAPTERVII-TRAVELLINGABROAD

Igotintothetravellingchariot-itwasofGermanmake，roomy，heavy，andunvarnished-Igotintothetravellingchariot，pulledupthestepsafterme，shutmyselfinwithasmartbangofthedoor，andgavetheword，’Goon！’

Immediately，allthatW。andS。W。divisionofLondonbegantoslideawayatapacesolively，thatIwasovertheriver，andpasttheOldKentRoad，andoutonBlackheath，andevenascendingShooter’sHill，beforeIhadhadtimetolookaboutmeinthecarriage，likeacollectedtraveller。

IhadtwoampleImperialsontheroof，otherfittedstorageforluggageinfront，andotherupbehind；Ihadanetforbooksoverhead，greatpocketstoallthewindows，aleathernpouchortwohungupforoddsandends，andareadinglampfixedinthebackofthechariot，incaseIshouldbebenighted。Iwasamplyprovidedinallrespects，andhadnoideawhereIwasgoing(whichwasdelightful)，exceptthatIwasgoingabroad。

Sosmoothwastheoldhighroad，andsofreshwerethehorses，andsofastwentI，thatitwasmidwaybetweenGravesendandRochester，andthewideningriverwasbearingtheships，whitesailedorblack-smoked，outtosea，whenInoticedbythewaysideaveryqueersmallboy。

’Holloa！’saidI，totheveryqueersmallboy，’wheredoyoulive？’

’AtChatham，’sayshe。

’Whatdoyoudothere？’saysI。

’Igotoschool，’sayshe。

Itookhimupinamoment，andwewenton。Presently，theveryqueersmallboysays，’ThisisGads-hillwearecomingto，whereFalstaffwentouttorobthosetravellers，andranaway。’

’YouknowsomethingaboutFalstaff，eh？’saidI。

’Allabouthim，’saidtheveryqueersmallboy。’Iamold(Iamnine)，andIreadallsortsofbooks。ButDOletusstopatthetopofthehill，andlookatthehousethere，ifyouplease！’

’Youadmirethathouse？’saidI。

’Blessyou，sir，’saidtheveryqueersmallboy，’whenIwasnotmorethanhalfasoldasnine，itusedtobeatreatformetobebroughttolookatit。Andnow，Iamnine，Icomebymyselftolookatit。AndeversinceIcanrecollect，myfather，seeingmesofondofit，hasoftensaidtome，“Ifyouweretobeveryperseveringandweretoworkhard，youmightsomedaycometoliveinit。“Thoughthat’simpossible！’saidtheveryqueersmallboy，drawingalowbreath，andnowstaringatthehouseoutofwindowwithallhismight。

Iwasratheramazedtobetoldthisbytheveryqueersmallboy；