第10章

“Haveyoudonewhatyousaidyou’ddo？“sheasked。

“Asearchingquestion！Ianswer——YesandNo。IfontheonehandI

havenotaccomplishedwhatIsetouttoaccomplish——whichofusdoes！——

ontheotherIcanfairlysaythis:Ihavenotloweredmyideal。“

Helookedresolutelyatasea-gull，asthoughhisidealflewonthewingsofthebird。

“But，“saidRachel，“what_is_yourideal？“

“Thereyouasktoomuch，MissVinrace，“saidRichardplayfully。

Shecouldonlysaythatshewantedtoknow，andRichardwassufficientlyamusedtoanswer。

“Well，howshallIreply？Inoneword——Unity。Unityofaim，ofdominion，ofprogress。Thedispersionofthebestideasoverthegreatestarea。“

“TheEnglish？“

“IgrantthattheEnglishseem，onthewhole，whiterthanmostmen，theirrecordscleaner。But，goodLord，don’trunawaywiththeideathatIdon’tseethedrawbacks——horrors——unmentionablethingsdoneinourverymidst！I’mundernoillusions。Fewpeople，Isuppose，havefewerillusionsthanIhave。Haveyoueverbeeninafactory，MissVinrace！——No，Isupposenot——ImaysayIhopenot。

AsforRachel，shehadscarcelywalkedthroughapoorstreet，andalwaysundertheescortoffather，maid，oraunts。

“Iwasgoingtosaythatifyou’deverseenthekindofthingthat’sgoingonroundyou，you’dunderstandwhatitisthatmakesmeandmenlikemepoliticians。YouaskedmeamomentagowhetherI’ddonewhatIsetouttodo。Well，whenIconsidermylife，thereisonefactIadmitthatI’mproudof；owingtomesomethousandsofgirlsinLancashire——andmanythousandstocomeafterthem——

canspendanhoureverydayintheopenairwhichtheirmothershadtospendovertheirlooms。I’mprouderofthat，Iown，thanIshouldbeofwritingKeatsandShelleyintothebargain！“

ItbecamepainfultoRacheltobeoneofthosewhowriteKeatsandShelley。ShelikedRichardDalloway，andwarmedashewarmed。

Heseemedtomeanwhathesaid。

“Iknownothing！“sheexclaimed。

“It’sfarbetterthatyoushouldknownothing，“hesaidpaternally，“andyouwrongyourself，I’msure。Youplayverynicely，I’mtold，andI’venodoubtyou’vereadheapsoflearnedbooks。“

Elderlybanterwouldnolongercheckher。

“Youtalkofunity，“shesaid。“Yououghttomakemeunderstand。“

“Ineverallowmywifetotalkpolitics，“hesaidseriously。

“Forthisreason。Itisimpossibleforhumanbeings，constitutedastheyare，bothtofightandtohaveideals。IfIhavepreservedmine，asIamthankfultosaythatingreatmeasureIhave，itisduetothefactthatIhavebeenabletocomehometomywifeintheeveningandtofindthatshehasspentherdayincalling，music，playwiththechildren，domesticduties——whatyouwill；

herillusionshavenotbeendestroyed。Shegivesmecouragetogoon。

Thestrainofpubliclifeisverygreat，“headded。

Thismadehimappearabatteredmartyr，partingeverydaywithsomeofthefinestgold，intheserviceofmankind。

“Ican’tthink，“Rachelexclaimed，“howanyonedoesit！“

“Explain，MissVinrace，“saidRichard。“ThisisamatterIwanttoclearup。“

Hiskindnesswasgenuine，andshedeterminedtotakethechancehegaveher，althoughtotalktoamanofsuchworthandauthoritymadeherheartbeat。

“Itseemstomelikethis，“shebegan，doingherbestfirsttorecollectandthentoexposehershiveringprivatevisions。

“There’sanoldwidowinherroom，somewhere，letussupposeinthesuburbsofLeeds。“

Richardbenthisheadtoshowthatheacceptedthewidow。

“InLondonyou’respendingyourlife，talking，writingthings，gettingbillsthrough，missingwhatseemsnatural。Theresultofitallisthatshegoestohercupboardandfindsalittlemoretea，afewlumpsofsugar，oralittlelessteaandanewspaper。

WidowsalloverthecountryIadmitdothis。Still，there’sthemindofthewidow——theaffections；thoseyouleaveuntouched。Butyouwasteyouown。“

“Ifthewidowgoestohercupboardandfindsitbare，“Richardanswered，“herspiritualoutlookwemayadmitwillbeaffected。IfImaypickholesinyourphilosophy，MissVinrace，whichhasitsmerits，Iwouldpointoutthatahumanbeingisnotasetofcompartments，butanorganism。Imagination，MissVinrace；useyourimagination；

that’swhereyouyoungLiberalsfail。Conceivetheworldasawhole。

Nowforyoursecondpoint；whenyouassertthatintryingtosetthehouseinorderforthebenefitoftheyounggenerationIamwastingmyhighercapabilities，Itotallydisagreewithyou。

Icanconceivenomoreexaltedaim——tobethecitizenoftheEmpire。

Lookatitinthisway，MissVinrace；conceivethestateasacomplicatedmachine；wecitizensarepartsofthatmachine；

somefulfilmoreimportantduties；others(perhapsIamoneofthem)

serveonlytoconnectsomeobscurepartsofthemechanism，concealedfromthepubliceye。Yetifthemeanestscrewfailsinitstask，theproperworkingofthewholeisimperilled。“

Itwasimpossibletocombinetheimageofaleanblackwidow，gazingoutofherwindow，andlongingforsomeonetotalkto，withtheimageofavastmachine，suchasoneseesatSouthKensington，thumping，thumping，thumping。Theattemptatcommunicationhadbeenafailure。

“Wedon’tseemtounderstandeachother，“shesaid。

“ShallIsaysomethingthatwillmakeyouveryangry？“hereplied。

“Itwon’t，“saidRachel。

“Well，then；nowomanhaswhatImaycallthepoliticalinstinct。

Youhaveverygreatvirtues；Iamthefirst，Ihope，toadmitthat；

butIhavenevermetawomanwhoevensawwhatismeantbystatesmanship。Iamgoingtomakeyoustillmoreangry。

IhopethatInevershallmeetsuchawoman。Now，MissVinrace，areweenemiesforlife？“

Vanity，irritation，andathrustingdesiretobeunderstood，urgedhertomakeanotherattempt。

“Underthestreets，inthesewers，inthewires，inthetelephones，thereissomethingalive；isthatwhatyoumean？Inthingslikedust-carts，andmenmendingroads？YoufeelthatallthetimewhenyouwalkaboutLondon，andwhenyouturnonatapandthewatercomes？“

“Certainly，“saidRichard。“Iunderstandyoutomeanthatthewholeofmodernsocietyisbaseduponcooperativeeffort。

Ifonlymorepeoplewouldrealisethat，MissVinrace，therewouldbefewerofyouroldwidowsinsolitarylodgings！“

Rachelconsidered。

“AreyouaLiberalorareyouaConservative？“sheasked。

“IcallmyselfaConservativeforconveniencesake，“saidRichard，smiling。“Butthereismoreincommonbetweenthetwopartiesthanpeoplegenerallyallow。“

Therewasapause，whichdidnotcomeonRachel’ssidefromanylackofthingstosay；asusualshecouldnotsaythem，andwasfurtherconfusedbythefactthatthetimefortalkingprobablyranshort。

Shewashauntedbyabsurdjumbledideas——how，ifonewentbackfarenough，everythingperhapswasintelligible；everythingwasincommon；forthemammothswhopasturedinthefieldsofRichmondHighStreethadturnedintopavingstonesandboxesfullofribbon，andheraunts。

“Didyousayyoulivedinthecountrywhenyouwereachild？“

sheasked。

Crudeashermannersseemedtohim，Richardwasflattered。

Therecouldbenodoubtthatherinterestwasgenuine。

“Idid，“hesmiled。

“Andwhathappened？“sheasked。“OrdoIasktoomanyquestions？“

“I’mflattered，Iassureyou。But——letmesee——whathappened？

Well，riding，lessons，sisters。Therewasanenchantedrubbishheap，Iremember，whereallkindsofqueerthingshappened。Odd，whatthingsimpresschildren！Icanrememberthelookoftheplacetothisday。

It’safallacytothinkthatchildrenarehappy。They’renot；

they’reunhappy。I’veneversufferedsomuchasIdidwhenIwasachild。“

“Why？“sheasked。

“Ididn’tgetonwellwithmyfather，“saidRichardshortly。

“Hewasaveryableman，buthard。Well——itmakesonedeterminednottosininthatwayoneself。Childrenneverforgetinjustice。

Theyforgiveheapsofthingsgrown-uppeoplemind；butthatsinistheunpardonablesin。Mindyou——IdaresayIwasadifficultchildtomanage；butwhenIthinkwhatIwasreadytogive！No，Iwasmoresinnedagainstthansinning。AndthenIwenttoschool，whereIdidveryfairlywell；andandthen，asIsay，myfathersentmetobothuniversities……D’youknow，MissVinrace，you’vemademethink？Howlittle，afterall，onecantellanybodyaboutone’slife！HereIsit；thereyousit；both，Idoubtnot，chock-fullofthemostinterestingexperiences，ideas，emotions；

yethowcommunicate？I’vetoldyouwhateverysecondpersonyoumeetmighttellyou。“

“Idon’tthinkso，“shesaid。“It’sthewayofsayingthings，isn’tit，notthethings？“

“True，“saidRichard。“Perfectlytrue。“Hepaused。“WhenI

lookbackovermylife——I’mforty-two——whatarethegreatfactsthatstandout？Whatweretherevelations，ifImaycallthemso？

Themiseryofthepoorand——“(hehesitatedandpitchedover)“love！“

Uponthatwordheloweredhisvoice；itwasawordthatseemedtounveiltheskiesforRachel。

“It’sanoddthingtosaytoayounglady，“hecontinued。

“Buthaveyouanyideawhat——whatImeanbythat？No，ofcoursenot。

Idon’tusethewordinaconventionalsense。Iuseitasyoungmenuseit。Girlsarekeptveryignorant，aren’tthey？

Perhapsit’swise——perhaps——You_don’t_know？“

Hespokeasifhehadlostconsciousnessofwhathewassaying。

“No；Idon’t，“shesaid，scarcelyspeakingaboveherbreath。

“Warships，Dick！Overthere！Look！“Clarissa，releasedfromMr。Grice，appreciativeofallhisseaweeds，skimmedtowardsthem，gesticulating。

Shehadsightedtwosinistergreyvessels，lowinthewater，andbaldasbone，onecloselyfollowingtheotherwiththelookofeyelessbeastsseekingtheirprey。ConsciousnessreturnedtoRichardinstantly。

“ByGeorge！“heexclaimed，andstoodshieldinghiseyes。

“Ours，Dick？“saidClarissa。

“TheMediterraneanFleet，“heanswered。

“The_Euphrosyne_wasslowlydippingherflag。Richardraisedhishat。

ConvulsivelyClarissasqueezedRachel’shand。

“Aren’tyougladtobeEnglish！“shesaid。

Thewarshipsdrewpast，castingacuriouseffectofdisciplineandsadnessuponthewaters，anditwasnotuntiltheywereagaininvisiblethatpeoplespoketoeachothernaturally。Atlunchthetalkwasallofvalouranddeath，andthemagnificentqualitiesofBritishadmirals。Clarissaquotedonepoet，Willoughbyquotedanother。

Lifeonboardaman-of-warwassplendid，sotheyagreed，andsailors，wheneveronemetthem，werequiteespeciallyniceandsimple。

Thisbeingso，noonelikeditwhenHelenremarkedthatitseemedtoheraswrongtokeepsailorsastokeepaZoo，andthatasfordyingonabattle-field，surelyitwastimeweceasedtopraisecourage——“ortowritebadpoetryaboutit，“snarledPepper。

ButHelenwasreallywonderingwhyRachel，sittingsilent，lookedsoqueerandflushed。