第12章

Heclaspedhisforeheadinhishands。

“Youtemptme，“hesaid。Thetoneofhisvoicewasterrifying。

Heseemedchokedinfright。Theywerebothtrembling。

Rachelstoodupandwent。Herheadwascold，herkneesshaking，andthephysicalpainoftheemotionwassogreatthatshecouldonlykeepherselfmovingabovethegreatleapsofherheart。

Sheleantupontherailoftheship，andgraduallyceasedtofeel，forachillofbodyandmindcreptoverher。Faroutbetweenthewaveslittleblackandwhitesea-birdswereriding。Risingandfallingwithsmoothandgracefulmovementsinthehollowsofthewavestheyseemedsingularlydetachedandunconcerned。

“You’repeaceful，“shesaid。Shebecamepeacefultoo，atthesametimepossessedwithastrangeexultation。Lifeseemedtoholdinfinitepossibilitiesshehadneverguessedat。Sheleantupontherailandlookedoverthetroubledgreywaters，wherethesunlightwasfitfullyscattereduponthecrestsofthewaves，untilshewascoldandabsolutelycalmagain。Neverthelesssomethingwonderfulhadhappened。

Atdinner，however，shedidnotfeelexalted，butmerelyuncomfortable，asifsheandRichardhadseensomethingtogetherwhichishiddeninordinarylife，sothattheydidnotliketolookateachother。

Richardslidhiseyesoverheruneasilyonce，andneverlookedatheragain。Formalplatitudesweremanufacturedwitheffort，butWilloughbywaskindled。

“BeefforMr。Dalloway！“heshouted。“Comenow——afterthatwalkyou’reatthebeefstage，Dalloway！“

WonderfulmasculinestoriesfollowedaboutBrightandDisraeliandcoalitiongovernments，wonderfulstorieswhichmadethepeopleatthedinner-tableseemfeaturelessandsmall。Afterdinner，sittingalonewithRachelunderthegreatswinginglamp，Helenwasstruckbyherpallor。Itoncemoreoccurredtoherthattherewassomethingstrangeinthegirl’sbehaviour。

“Youlooktired。Areyoutired？“sheasked。

“Nottired，“saidRachel。“Oh，yes，IsupposeIamtired。“

Helenadvisedbed，andshewent，notseeingRichardagain。

Shemusthavebeenverytiredforshefellasleepatonce，butafteranhourortwoofdreamlesssleep，shedreamt。Shedreamtthatshewaswalkingdownalongtunnel，whichgrewsonarrowbydegreesthatshecouldtouchthedampbricksoneitherside。

Atlengththetunnelopenedandbecameavault；shefoundherselftrappedinit，bricksmeetingherwhereversheturned，alonewithalittledeformedmanwhosquattedonthefloorgibbering，withlongnails。Hisfacewaspittedandlikethefaceofananimal。

Thewallbehindhimoozedwithdamp，whichcollectedintodropsandsliddown。Stillandcoldasdeathshelay，notdaringtomove，untilshebroketheagonybytossingherselfacrossthebed，andwokecrying“Oh！“

Lightshowedherthefamiliarthings:herclothes，fallenoffthechair；thewaterjuggleamingwhite；butthehorrordidnotgoatonce。Shefeltherselfpursued，sothatshegotupandactuallylockedherdoor。Avoicemoanedforher；eyesdesiredher。

Allnightlongbarbarianmenharassedtheship；theycamescufflingdownthepassages，andstoppedtosnuffleatherdoor。Shecouldnotsleepagain。

“That’sthetragedyoflife——asIalwayssay！“saidMrs。Dalloway。

“Beginningthingsandhavingtoendthem。Still，I’mnotgoingtolet_this_end，ifyou’rewilling。“Itwasthemorning，theseawascalm，andtheshiponceagainwasanchorednotfarfromanothershore。

Shewasdressedinherlongfurcloak，withtheveilswoundaroundherhead，andoncemoretherichboxesstoodontopofeachothersothatthesceneofafewdaysbackseemedtoberepeated。

“D’yousupposeweshallevermeetinLondon？“saidRidleyironically。

“You’llhaveforgottenallaboutmebythetimeyoustepoutthere。“

Hepointedtotheshoreofthelittlebay，wheretheycouldnowseetheseparatetreeswithmovingbranches。

“Howhorridyouare！“shelaughed。“Rachel’scomingtoseemeanyhow——

theinstantyougetback，“shesaid，pressingRachel’sarm。

“Now——you’venoexcuse！“

Withasilverpencilshewrotehernameandaddressontheflyleafof_Persuasion_，andgavethebooktoRachel。Sailorswereshoulderingtheluggage，andpeoplewerebeginningtocongregate。

TherewereCaptainCobbold，Mr。Grice，Willoughby，Helen，andanobscuregratefulmaninabluejersey。

“Oh，it’stime，“saidClarissa。“Well，good-bye。I_do_likeyou，“

shemurmuredasshekissedRachel。PeopleinthewaymadeitunnecessaryforRichardtoshakeRachelbythehand；hemanagedtolookatherverystifflyforasecondbeforehefollowedhiswifedowntheship’sside。

Theboatseparatingfromthevesselmadeofftowardstheland，andforsomeminutesHelen，Ridley，andRachelleantovertherail，watching。OnceMrs。Dallowayturnedandwaved；

buttheboatsteadilygrewsmallerandsmalleruntilitceasedtoriseandfall，andnothingcouldbeseensavetworesolutebacks。

“Well，that’sover，“saidRidleyafteralongsilence。“Weshallneversee_them_again，“headded，turningtogotohisbooks。

Afeelingofemptinessandmelancholycameoverthem；theyknewintheirheartsthatitwasover，andthattheyhadpartedforever，andtheknowledgefilledthemwithfargreaterdepressionthanthelengthoftheiracquaintanceseemedtojustify。EvenastheboatpulledawaytheycouldfeelothersightsandsoundsbeginningtotaketheplaceoftheDalloways，andthefeelingwassounpleasantthattheytriedtoresistit。Forso，too，wouldtheybeforgotten。

InmuchthesamewayasMrs。Chaileydownstairswassweepingthewitheredrose-leavesoffthedressing-table，soHelenwasanxioustomakethingsstraightagainafterthevisitorshadgone。

Rachel’sobviouslanguorandlistlessnessmadeheraneasyprey，andindeedHelenhaddevisedakindoftrap。Thatsomethinghadhappenedshenowfeltprettycertain；moreover，shehadcometothinkthattheyhadbeenstrangerslongenough；shewishedtoknowwhatthegirlwaslike，partlyofcoursebecauseRachelshowednodispositiontobeknown。So，astheyturnedfromtherail，shesaid:

“Comeandtalktomeinsteadofpractising，“andledthewaytotheshelteredsidewherethedeck-chairswerestretchedinthesun。

Rachelfollowedherindifferently。HermindwasabsorbedbyRichard；

bytheextremestrangenessofwhathadhappened，andbyathousandfeelingsofwhichshehadnotbeenconsciousbefore。

ShemadescarcelyanyattempttolistentowhatHelenwassaying，asHelenindulgedincommonplacestobeginwith。WhileMrs。Ambrosearrangedherembroidery，suckedhersilk，andthreadedherneedle，shelaybackgazingatthehorizon。

“Didyoulikethosepeople？“Helenaskedhercasually。

“Yes，“sherepliedblankly。

“Youtalkedtohim，didn’tyou？“

Shesaidnothingforaminute。

“Hekissedme，“shesaidwithoutanychangeoftone。

Helenstarted，lookedather，butcouldnotmakeoutwhatshefelt。

“M-m-m’yes，“shesaid，afterapause。“Ithoughthewasthatkindofman。“

“Whatkindofman？“saidRachel。

“Pompousandsentimental。“

“Ilikehim，“saidRachel。

“Soyoureallydidn’tmind？“

ForthefirsttimesinceHelenhadknownherRachel’seyeslitupbrightly。

“Ididmind，“shesaidvehemently。“Idreamt。Icouldn’tsleep。“

“Tellmewhathappened，“saidHelen。ShehadtokeepherlipsfromtwitchingasshelistenedtoRachel’sstory。Itwaspouredoutabruptlywithgreatseriousnessandnosenseofhumour。

“Wetalkedaboutpolitics。Hetoldmewhathehaddoneforthepoorsomewhere。Iaskedhimallsortsofquestions。Hetoldmeabouthisownlife。Thedaybeforeyesterday，afterthestorm，hecameintoseeme。Ithappenedthen，quitesuddenly。

Hekissedme。Idon’tknowwhy。“Asshespokeshegrewflushed。

“Iwasagooddealexcited，“shecontinued。“ButIdidn’tmindtillafterwards；when——“shepaused，andsawthefigureofthebloatedlittlemanagain——“Ibecameterrified。“

Fromthelookinhereyesitwasevidentshewasagainterrified。

Helenwasreallyatalosswhattosay。FromthelittlesheknewofRachel’supbringingshesupposedthatshehadbeenkeptentirelyignorantastotherelationsofmenwithwomen。Withashynesswhichshefeltwithwomenandnotwithmenshedidnotliketoexplainsimplywhattheseare。Thereforeshetooktheothercourseandbelittledthewholeaffair。

“Oh，well，“shesaid，“Hewasasillycreature，andifIwereyou，I’dthinknomoreaboutit。“

“No，“saidRachel，sittingboltupright，“Ishan’tdothat。

IshallthinkaboutitalldayandallnightuntilIfindoutexactlywhatitdoesmean。“

“Don’tyoueverread？“Helenaskedtentatively。

“_Cowper’s__Letters_——thatkindofthing。FathergetsthemformeormyAunts。“

Helencouldhardlyrestrainherselffromsayingoutloudwhatshethoughtofamanwhobroughtuphisdaughtersothatattheageoftwenty-fourshescarcelyknewthatmendesiredwomenandwasterrifiedbyakiss。ShehadgoodreasontofearthatRachelhadmadeherselfincrediblyridiculous。

“Youdon’tknowmanymen？“sheasked。

“Mr。Pepper，“saidRachelironically。

“Sonoone’severwantedtomarryyou？“

“No，“sheansweredingenuously。

Helenreflectedthatas，fromwhatshehadsaid，Rachelcertainlywouldthinkthesethingsout，itmightbeaswelltohelpher。

“Yououghtn’ttobefrightened，“shesaid。“It’sthemostnaturalthingintheworld。Menwillwanttokissyou，justasthey’llwanttomarryyou。Thepityistogetthingsoutofproportion。

It’slikenoticingthenoisespeoplemakewhentheyeat，ormenspitting；or，inshort，anysmallthingthatgetsonone’snerves。“

Rachelseemedtobeinattentivetotheseremarks。

“Tellme，“shesaidsuddenly，“whatarethosewomeninPiccadilly？“

“InPicadilly？Theyareprostituted，“saidHelen。

“It_is_terrifying——it_is_disgusting，“Rachelasserted，asifsheincludedHeleninthehatred。

“Itis，“saidHelen。“But——“

“Ididlikehim，“Rachelmused，asifspeakingtoherself。

“Iwantedtotalktohim；Iwantedtoknowwhathe’ddone。

ThewomeninLancashire——“

ItseemedtoherassherecalledtheirtalkthattherewassomethinglovableaboutRichard，goodintheirattemptedfriendship，andstrangelypiteousinthewaytheyhadparted。

ThesofteningofhermoodwasapparenttoHelen。

“Yousee，“shesaid，“youmusttakethingsastheyare；andifyouwantfriendshipwithmenyoumustrunrisks。Personally，“shecontinued，breakingintoasmile，“Ithinkit’sworthit；Idon’tmindbeingkissed；I’mratherjealous，Ibelieve，thatMr。Dallowaykissedyouanddidn’tkissme。Though，“sheadded，“heboredmeconsiderably。“

ButRacheldidnotreturnthesmileordismissthewholeaffair，asHelenmeantherto。Hermindwasworkingveryquickly，inconsistentlyandpainfully。Helen’swordsheweddowngreatblockswhichhadstoodtherealways，andthelightwhichcameinwascold。

Aftersittingforatimewithfixedeyes，sheburstout:

“Sothat’swhyIcan’twalkalone！“

Bythisnewlightshesawherlifeforthefirsttimeacreepinghedged-inthing，drivencautiouslybetweenhighwalls，hereturnedaside，thereplungedindarkness，madedullandcrippledforever——herlifethatwastheonlychanceshehad